The Bugle - How is Mugabe losing a rigged election?

Episode Date: April 6, 2008

The 23rd ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, our viewers, welcome to Issue 23 of the World's Leading Audio newspaper. This is a special edition for the week beginning Monday 7 April, the first April edition in the history of the view with me and his old man in London and back where he belongs in New York City, John Oliver. Ain't that the truth? I'm back. I'm in a New York frame of mind Andy, one that has enjoyed his last seven meals a lot more. But I've got some big news Andy and that is that I touched George Clooney yesterday. Did you show? Yeah, he was a guest on the show. We shook hands and I think my hand has been significantly handsomer ever since. This is as handsomers my hand has ever been.

And I was standing there talking to him. I couldn't help thinking that we were like the bookends of my attractiveness. I felt absolutely repulsive. I looked in the mirror afterwards and none of my facial features seemed to be in the right place. Everything was a little bit skimmed. Has your hands started doing in front to shadow puppet performances of Clooney's non-hit film, Siriana? It hasn't gotten there. Oh that's cool, but if you're ever you're struggling to get to sleep just ask your hand

to do that and that should do the deal. As always some sections of the Bugle go straight in the bin. This week the special Bugle genealogy section spiced up your family tree with a free bonus relative. This week, great great uncle Morris, who once headbutted the Kaiser during a Kroge tournament out of the German monarch cheekily kicked his ball into a better position when he thought no one was looking. Morris, who came within a single complement of seducing Lloyd George's wife at the Liberal

Party conference cribbage in 1908, was the first man to use a novelty car horn and taught your grandfather how to tell the difference between a tantrum and a heart attack. Also, in the being of the conspiracy section, to be mysteriously cancelled, we think we know why but we can't tell you just in case we're right. Lead story this week and Rhodesia! Oh, sorry,imbabwe. Sorry, old habits. Zimbabwe's elections have been thrown into chaos this week, although to be fair, that is the default state for elections in Zimbabwe. It's just that usually that chaos involves voter intimidation, violated ballot papers, independent observers from the UN being thrown out of the country, and Robert McGarby winning by a mathematically impossible margin. All this has happened this time except for the result

part. Tensions are highest, the results of the election have been delayed and the opposition party, M.D.C. under leader Morgan's Fangeroy, are claiming that they have defeated McGarby and you know that you are unpopular when an election you are rigging is still going against you. That's a bad result for Bob. Well, it's just unlucky isn't it? You win all of them usually and you lose none of them. But it doesn't feel this is a bit of a turn up for the books. There have been certainly regularities, for example, 8,000 residents apparently living in an area with no buildings and 75 voters living in a single shack, which has raised certain alarm bells, and apparently the authorities in Florida are taking notes and learning from the masters.

Well that's right, I mean, McGarby does have some signature techniques for rigging elections Andy. And if you're planning on rigging an election in the near future, here are some of his tips for you. One, print surplus ballot papers. You are going to need these, you'll be filling them in in bulk later. And two, as you say, use ghost voters. Macarby likes to use dead voters names and have suspiciously large numbers of registered voters in rural areas. For instance, 8,000 people have registered a vote in a small area

north of Harari where there are only 36 houses. Now, if we're going to give Macarby the benefit of the doubt, that is just over 222 people per house. And we don't know how big those houses are. Maybe they are 36 massive houses. We don't know all the details. With these ghost photos, they could just be really haunted houses as well. So it's entirely possible. Well, I shouldn't ghosts have as much rights of vote as us ordinary, non ghost people. That is a part of the worst kind. One of these for sure, and that is that Morgan's fangirai is in a significant amount of danger.

Police have been raiding his offices and there are claims that many of his parties have gone into hiding. However, the Secretary General of his party denied this saying, Zimbabwe is a small country, so we are not going into hiding. We're just going to have to be extra cautious. That is a man not saying we are not going into hiding. We're just going to have to be extra cautious. That is a man not saying we refuse to go into hiding. Look, who are we kidding? Let's just cut out the hide part and let the seeking begin.

There's been a tough road to the top for Big Morgan. Just a year ago, he suffered a fractured skull at the hands of police apparently. It shows how easy it is to be an opposition politician in countries like Britain and America, John, which account our lucky stars, although there was, of course, that one time that John Major smashed Neil Kenex head repeatedly

in the door of his Ford Fiesta just before the 1992 general election. In fact, Svanger, I later appeared in court on charges of aggravated democracy and inflicting illegal blood stains on Robert McGarby's favorite baseball bat. And what's not to like about Robert McGarby? Well, it turns out quite a lot.

He is tyrannical, corrupt, and has absolutely mystifying views on homosexuality. He once argued, if dogs and pigs do not do it, why must human beings? It's a great advice. But also dogs and pigs don't work for a living vote or right poetry. We must immediately stop doing all of these things. That's why Robert McGarvey so strongly opposed to snooker in all this forms. Well, dogs do do that though Andy, have you not seen the painting? Well, that's propaganda John, but I put out by the MDC to discredit McGarvey.

This involvement ambassador has said, don't write McGarvey off. Well, no one is doing that. The smart money is, well for a start, the smart money is nowhere near as involved with it, but who let's remember have a hundred thousand percent inflation per year. But the smart money, if it is, there is also still on McGarby. You've got to have him down as favourites. He's like a horse who has a gun pointed at the horse he's racing against, nying, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Broom!

I just hope, though, John that the Zimbabwean election doesn't spiral into the kind of violence and recrimination that we saw recently at Terminal 5 at Heathrow. Let's just hope that it doesn't get that bad. I don't know if you remember, but it last weeks, Google, I was laughing about how I was going to have to fly out of Heathrow and how I'd probably be delayed.

And I turned up to Heathrow on Sunday to have my flight cancelled. And 11 hours later I took off. So that joke very much boomeranged back on me. Partially informed opinion news now, and a poll conducted by the program for International Policy Attitudes, some behalf of BBC World Service, has shown that fewer people think America are baddies than a year ago, but more still think they're baddies than think they're goodies. The US State Department official Kurt Volcker has acknowledged that perceptions of America have been negative over recent years, but he claimed that 2003 and 2004 had been quotes

anonymally because of the Iraq War. In fact, the strength of world-opelishing to America is clearly well-intentioned constructive destruction of Iraq. It's a classic case of the exception really busting its nuts to prove the rule. History is, of course, littered with similar anomalies, John. The survey at least proved that the world has got over its temporary little glitch in its perception of Germany, dating back to the quote peculiar set of circumstances in the 1930s and 40s. And British officials have argued that the fact that so many countries aggressively turfed us out was caused by a mutant strain of friendliness

brought on by excessive gratitude for having the untidy extremities of their culture and population lopped off and neatened out, and their more exciting wildlife transformed into home furnishings for safekeeping. We live in a world of anomalies, John. The world is starting to view the US more positively. What isn't, currently clear, is whether this is a genuine upturn, or if this is just what happens when you hit rock bottom. The Titanic must have slightly bounced when it hit the seabed.

Even Pop Pop's popularity must have gotten to the point where it couldn't get any lower. The average percentage of people saying that the US has a positive influence on the world has risen from a shocking 31% to a massive 35%. I don't think I've ever been that popular Andy. That's like having 10 people in a room with you and knowing that only six of them hate you. And one of them is feeling 50-50 on it. That sounds like my average gig. Mr Volker, tearfully admitted, everybody wants to be loved, he said, but then pulled himself

together and added, but we're a superpower. We have large diplomatic reach and military reach, so naturally the world looks at the US with much greater attention than any other country in the world and then stormed off to Mop his mascara off his face. And this is true to an extension, although I would argue that if this large diplomatic and military reach was not utilized quite so often for the purposes of reaching for stuff, then America might get away with it a bit more. Perceptions of the US worsened over the last 12 months in only three countries on Earth,

Canada, Lebanon and Egypt. Now, Lebanon and Egypt, I can understand, Andy, that has a political rationale over the things that the US has done to the recently. But Canada, grow up moosefaces. LAUGHTER A recent poll by The New York Times and CBS discovered that 81% of Americans believe

that the country is going in the wrong direction. And, of course, initially, that seems like a lot of people until it hits you that that means 19% of people think that this is exactly what America should be doing at the moment. What does this administration have to do to worry them? Kill the first born. What are you going to take to shake that confidence? In pending E. Kageddon news now, and the Antarctic ice cap is quite literally falling to pieces.

A 160 square mile piece has broken off Antarctica from the Wilkins ice shelf, sources close to the 160 square miles of ice as said that the split was caused by a mixture of artistic differences, wanting a new challenge after several thousand years with Antarctica and global warming. The Wilkins ice chef, the Wilkins ice shelf, named after the polar explorer captain Robert Scott, is one of Antarctica's best loved ice shelves. But of course, Antarctica is a long way away, John, so it's not really our problem. In fact, I think here in London, the only way we're going to take it seriously is if the

last remaining chunk of the rogue separatist ice turns up at the Thames barrier saying, I am melting. It's not the old Buddhist saying goes Andy, if an Ise shelf breaks off and the industrialized world is actively ignoring it, does it make a sound? Absolutely not. The Wilkins Ise shelf has been retreating since the 1990s. It's like a teenager. Our relationship has become dysfunctional.

It's become distant and is now considering running away from us for good. Just to put this thing in perspective, 160 square miles is the equivalent of 1000 Vatican cities. Now, if you can imagine a thousand popes floating loose around the southern ocean, you get a picture of quite a house serious. This is, there's a lot of very guilty feeling penguins out there. It's also the equivalent of 60,000 football pitches. But what is FIFA doing about it, John? Nothing. Typically, it can't even sort out how to use proper timekeeping to stop players wasting time.

I can't expect them to fix Antarctica. But it doesn't excuse it. I would say, John, that massive bits of ice falling off Antarctica are like buses. You wait thousands of years for one, and then they happen increasingly regularly over the course of 20th century as global industrialization accelerates.

But I'm not going to bang the global warming drum on its head. But our politicians have inspired me, John, and if bits of ice this size keep falling off Antarctica, I'm going to start tutting loudly to myself about how more needs to be done to stop global warming, wondering whether people will still vote for me if they're living underwater and invading somewhere to take my mind off things.

Now, perhaps the most evocative prediction for the world came from Ted Turner this week on Charlie Rose's program. The former media mogul said that global warming would have us all dead or eating each other by mid-century. It's exactly what Andy was. If steps aren't taken to stem global warming, we'll be eight degrees hotter in 30 or 40 years, and basically none of the crops will grow.

Most of the people will have died, and the rest of us will be cannibals. Well, thank you, Nostradamus. I thought I couldn't hear a more negative prediction for the world and then Ted Turner really got into his rhythm. And this begs the question, if it's down to the two of us, which of us do you think is more likely to eat the other one? Well, I know you're a bit of a picky eater, John, so I'm guessing it's likely to be me. Because you're quite scrawny, so I'd probably have to marinate you for quite some time. I'd probably hang you for a good couple of weeks, just a loosen the meat out of it. And I'd probably cut you with quite a strongly favored, kind of spicy sauce, because I think

you might be a bit stringy. I will not be stringy, Andy. That's not so many ways of compliment, John. I'm just saying you're a better shape than me. Just see me either side. Let the meat speak for itself. I'm free range. You're not, you're living in a tiny flat in New York.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're basically being battery-farmed by the Daily Show. Ha, ha, ha. A-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. A special bugle birthday card now and happy 90th birthday to the Royal Air Force. The RAF was founded on 1st April 1918. Doesn't time fly John.

It seems like only yesterday that the tiny little RAF was just a beautiful collection of biplanes learning how to fly and cutely crashing into trees. They grow up so fast. They really do. The RAF celebrated its birthday in traditional style with a red arrows display, before going to the pub getting pissed, having a confidence crisis about its age, trying to get off with the Spanish Air Force, and then he got slumped against the side of a hangar at a disused airfield in Norfolk, crying its eyes out, wondering

where the last 90 years have gone, before singing the theme tune to damn busters, and falling asleep dreaming about fighting off an alien invasion. So, here is the audio birthday cast for the RAF. Dear RAF, happy birthday! Here's to plenty more years, defying gravity and sticking it to the Luftwaffe, love from everyone at the bugle. And we've made the RAF a special 90th birthday audio badge of a fighter jet flying past a dog. Nineteen to ten!

And now, he's back to answer all your questions American based. Please give a warm round of applause wherever you are in the world. Be upstanding for the American! Thank you. Great to have you back, my friend. It's so it's a pleasure to be back. I gotta tell you I'm having a blast already. How American are you feeling today? I'm pretty good.

I'm bleeding red white and blue today. I gotta tell you. I'm pretty French. I'm pretty American. Yeah, that's true. But don't ever say that again, because it will annoy me. I'll give you one shrek on that one, buddy.

It's been a while since we've bugged you. I guess there's one thing that we wanted to know, right off the bat and kick. By the way, baseball season has begun, huh? You feel that? You smell that boys? Can you smell that in the air? Naga hide.

I think it's a... I thought it was a mixture of mustard and human growth hormone. So the first question we wanted to ask you is, you know, obviously your election, which is turning into one of the longest and most exciting elections in history, has thrown up some interesting quirks recently. What is a super delegate? Well, first thing the most important thing to understand is that the American democratic system is the best democratic system in the world and therefore the most complex democratic system.

Oh, right. And what we like to do is like we like to make it as you know kind of confusing as possible for the layman so that the average man can vote because that's the trick to a good democracy. You know, you want to disenfranchise as many poor people and confused people as possible so that's sort of the upper echelon of society is the only one who's kind of involved. I see. That's the trick. That's the, that is very best. That is best. That's sort of the upper echelon of society is the only one who's kind of involved. I see. That's the trick. That's the trick. That is very best.

At its best. That's kind of like the ancient Greeks did it by not letting women vote. Come on, that's how the founding fathers set it up. Let's be honest. That's how they dreamed it would be. But you know, things change. The super delegate is basically like,

if you go to vote, and then you finish voting, and then you get back online and you vote again if you do that 25 times you're kind of like a super deli like you just matter more in the system which makes sense for certain people should matter more in fact there was a period of time they wanted me to be a super deli could but I turned it down yeah why we're just kiss you know I don't you know I got other things going on what what have you got going on American fuck much in the bicycle yeah I don't want to get in that right now you'll probably read about it soon but i don't know i got things on the table

for the that's what i think that's the uh... other things of the table other than exercising your democratic rights well i'm referring back to the uh... the poll that we referred to earlier in the show saying that so that the world's opinion of a more of america has got slightly better over the last year uh... what you why do you think that is American? The thing that strikes me out about that question

is that you're kind of applying that the world's opinion of America hasn't always been fantastic. Uh-oh. And I'm not quite sure why that would be. Uh-oh. You know what it is? I'll tell you about the world.

You know what the world is right now? They're like in their teenage years, they're like the teenage daughter. They don't, they're mad at daddy because we won't learn to the keys to the station wagon. Okay. But there's a reason, there's a reason for everything okay so as a world my chores a little bit and starts to understand what it's like to be a superpower and what it's like to be in charge of things I think the world will eventually come and thank us

and say you know what thank you dad even though you were tough on me when I was young and I was a kid I learned I learned the hard way, okay? That's what I did, I learned. It's like making sure your kid is a job after school. That's what we're doing right now, the rest of the world. You know, you teach him a little bit of responsibility. You keep saying the world, but you are part of that world. Well, no.

I would say we're like the district manager of the world. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying we own it, but like we definitely like run it. Do you think you could use the analogy of of a battered wife and an abusive husband? This has gone on for so long. You've managed to convince us that you're looking after us, and we're actually driving you to act this way.

It's all our fault. Yeah, things I would never condone hitting violence. You're not only condoning that, you're actively not, but not against a woman. I mean, you're bomb a country, bomb a country. It's kind of a different thing. Okay, so you pretty messed up to hit your wife on the face, but you dropped a woman. I mean, you bomb a country, bomb a country. You have a kind of a different thing. So you pretty messed up to hit your wife on the face, but you drop a couple of bunker buses on a middle-eastern country.

I think there's a little bit of a difference there. But could you do that to your wife? Could you attack your wife as long as you're airborne? Well, I mean, I guess it's like a mile high rule or something. I don't know. I personally wouldn't do it, but I'm sure you can justify it. People are sick.

There's sick people out there. Let's not lie. What if you were married to a rogue state? Oh yeah. How will that work out? Well, I'm from, I won't work out at all. I'm not going to do this. You just won't do it.

Now, we actually have an email from one of our listeners here. This is from Dan Manning from Great Rapids, Michigan. He says, here's my question for the American. Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a map. Why do you think this is? Which map, a world map? You know, I don't understand.

America is the biggest, best looking country on the map. I mean, seriously, it's beautiful. I mean, if you look at it, but it's this way, if all the continents were chicks and you had to take one out for a date, you'd ever see pick America every time. As you probably would, I mean.

It's got all the attributes. It's got the hardest look. and you have to take one out for a date. You ever see Pick America every time. As you probably would, I mean. It's got all the attributes. It's got the hardest look. Africa's quite a top top. Yeah, basically one of the inverse pair shape, where I was so like, it's got curves in all the right places. To me, Africa's got a little bit of like a man thing going on.

I don't wanna get involved there, you know. America's nice and curvy, she's beautiful. Although, to be honest, I don't know how you'd explain a white Florida. Dan Manning and Michigan, if people really can't find America on a map, I gotta tell you, stay in school, kid. Okay, because you, yeah, I don't know how you'd explain a wife Florida. Dan Manning and Michigan, if people really can't find America on a map, I gotta tell you, stay in school, kid. Okay? Because you, yeah, I mean, that's less than one,

know where you live, be able to get home. You get lost, you gotta be able to get home. Of course, the beauty of being British years and years ago, during the days of the British Empire, is that you could just point to any globe and go, with that, us. Yeah. We've basically had all of it. It made things a lot simpler. Yeah, well, that's kind of like us right now in the world a little bit, you know.

Like I always feel very comfortable on a traveling on overseas and I stumble on it and make dance. It's like a little piece of American soil, you know what I'm saying? It's like an embassy, isn't it? Yeah, it's an embassy. If I was a highlander, they couldn't to capitate me when I met that. Kind of holy ground. This comes from Warren Black in Belfast in Northern Ireland.

He sent it a couple of weeks ago. He wrote, I've just seen the ex-Gudder of New York, Elliott Spitzer giving his statement on Channel 4 news. And he sounds awfully like the American of Ask an American fame. Are they one on the same? Can you confirm or deny that you are Elliott Spitzer? Wow, that is some question. First of all, Mr. Black, thank you.

Obviously, Elliott Spitzer is a brilliant man, brilliant mind. And just because, you know, he's got a little bit of a thing with the ladies. Obviously, Elliot Spitz is a brilliant man, brilliant mind. And just because you know He's got a little bit of a thing with the ladies. By the way, this is one thing and you know I love America more than anybody. No, no, this is one area where I think Europe's got us beat because in Europe Really? I mean if you get a little action on the side which all powerful men should yeah keeps your mind clean We make such a big deal out of this nonsense. Okay. What's the big deal, you know? And it's like all right, so the guys yeah, so what he's spending state funds on, you know hookers big deal Big deal. All right. The guy needs a clear head. He's got to do it. He's got a big job to New York

It's quite a state to manage, okay? It is this is not a this is not a kid state Okay, he's not this is not the governor of Delaware. That guy, I'm like, yeah, keep it in your pants, but this is New York, you know? And I'm normally not through complimentary of anything that happens. We appreciate that. We appreciate that. In fact, so that was an Italian prime minister

had to resign when it was revealed in the press that he wasn't having enough air. But no, I'm not Elliot's, Pizzu, but I do approve his message. Now, Hillary Clinton, who is still hanging in there to be candidates she compared herself to Rocky recently whilst campaigning in Philadelphia. What did you think of that? See here's the thing Hillary doesn't realize is when you compare yourself to Rocky you have to pick which Rocky you compare yourself.

Good point. Because there's a lot of Rocky's. There's six Rocky movies. Okay now if you're comparing yourself to Rocky and Rocky one you know the, the guy, tough guy bouncing a ball on the street, he's showing his girlfriend works at a pet store. I respect that Rocky, okay? He's punching, meat, and a butcher shop. He's working hard, he's trying to do what he can do to get his girlfriend from selling turtles, okay? So I respect that Rocky.

If she's that Rocky, okay, man, man, I'm interested in Hillary Clinton. But then all of a sudden, there's Rocky from Rocky four. This guy, he's a dick. He's got a robot. He's got dogs and a pool. He's swimming. There's a robot bringing him lunch.

I mean, this Rocky is not my Rocky. Now, Hillary could be that Rocky. She might be the one who's gonna fight Ivan Drago and let's Paul Cree die in the ring. She could be that Rocky. Do I know? Probably that Rocky. Or there's the most recent Rocky, Rocky VI. six yeah who's just a fat guy who owns an Italian

what do I want that guy running the country for so I think Hillary if she's gonna take the rocky comparison needs to be very specific about which rocky she is I mean she really wasn't clear about that's on there are six different kinds of president there and then you know then you could start making other comparisons I mean who's thunder lips whose club a bang? I don't know the answer to this, you know Then it's Bill Clinton Adrian. I mean what's going on over here? I don't know I guess so I guess so I guess I guess if she wins that candidacy she'll be holster on to people's shoulders screaming I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that so you know clarify where this is going and a final question for you

American comes from a man known only as Jamie who writes Canada America's hat discuss. It goes back to what we're talking about earlier. If you're looking at the map, then you're saying where's America on the map? America's a hot chick, and she's wearing a hat. And that hat is Canada. Let's just be straight.

It's more of a bearer, are you really, isn't it? Yeah, a little bit, but you know, that's what, sometimes a girl looks hot in a barrel, let's be honest. I totally understand what you're saying. And here's the thing, the only thing with Canada, is you can't ever hang your hat in a hook, it's always on your head, and that's the only problem I have with Canada.

Every now and then I wanna take my hat off, my head's getting hot, nothing I could do about you, Canada. American, thank you very much for joining us. Of course, we'll have more questions for you in future weeks. And congratulations on your increased popularity. I did not.

So if you've got further questions for the Americans, next visits, do email them to the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Your emails now and this one comes from Sean Owen in London, who writes, I listened to this week's podcast, as always, well done, only to be disappointed when you fail to arrest one particular story from the lead up to the US presidential elections. I am of course referring to Hillary Clinton's recollection last week of how on landing at Tuzla Airbase in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was forced to make a desperate dash from the plane to the

waiting motorcade under heavy sniper fire. It subsequently had no such incident took place. On the contrary, the first lady was met by a flower-bearing eight-year-old girl and Grammy award winner, Miss Cheryl Crow. Sean continues, I have come up with several possible scenarios to explain how Mrs. Clinton could manage to confuse a terrifying near-death experience with meeting Cheryl Crow. One, Hilary has suffering from acid flashbacks brought on by heavy experimentation with psyched Alex in the mid to late 60s.

2. Hilary has had false memories implanted into her brain by a cabal of pro-abarmance CIA agents in attempt to discredit her. 3. Hilary comes under heavy gunfire when landing at most international airports, and consequently these incidents have all blurred into one. I can also offer a fourth possibility to explain this bizarre anomaly, but I would feel too much like a man who finds himself standing in front of a large barrel overflowing with fish, who has just been handed an M16 assault rifle, and been instructed to blow the shit out of it. Well done Sean, less well done for concluding your email with the phrase, word to your mothers, and not sure either John or I fully understand what that means, but we'll pass on a word. We'll pass those words on.

Mrs. Antman and Mrs Oliver. Now we've also had possibly the finest piece of spam on the bugle so far. Usually a Tom R. Produce was saying the spam is largely of the French porn and offers of posters of Spain variety. Who'd have thought those two would be close to each other? That sounds like a euphemism, though. Don't you like some posters of Spain? This is from Mr. Andy.

And the subject is Bulletproof Vest Armored Vehicle. To whom may be concerned, it begins. We are the leading manufacturer of Bulletproof products in China. And that's a competitive field, especially with the Olympics getting closer. We have been exported Bulletproof products from many years. At present, we are interested in extending our range. And with our pleasure to giving the catalogs and quotations to you for reference as follows. Bulletproof vest, Kevlar material, that's going to cost us $335 a piece, Andy.

Armored cash transport car with petrol engine, $34,500. A Nissan Armored Cash Transport car. $3,380 there, and I mean, that is a bargain. I look forward to hear from your reply soon, sincerely yours, Mr. Andy. That does sound from where it's written that Mr. Andy might be the prominent British non-sensicalist comedian Stanley Unwin in disguise. From American listeners who can be heard, of course, on the classic small faces, how them Ogden's Nutgun Flake. This John, you might be interested in,

it comes from a woman known only as Bernadette, who writes, dear John, brackets, hello to Andy. I don't think you really mean that Bernadette, if you've fallen in brackets. I love that thought, to an evil. I knew you're a man of high intellect, but I had no idea that you already had a school named after you

What a tremendous achievement? Congratulations. That's right John. You have had a school in Vancouver named after you and this snippet is from the wiki Pager entry for John Oliver secondary school motto and code of conduct. John Oliver schools motto is Virtus. Vincate, meaning Virtue Conkers. The School's Code of Conduct is the Joker's Code or J-Code, as I believe you used to be known on the hard streets of South London. Each letter of the word Joker's is the first letter of a Virtue encompassed by the J-Code, thus justice, justice, ownership, knowledge, effort,

respect, and success, are the Virtues encouraged by John Oliver's J-code? Yeah, I'd like to wish all attendees of my school. I don't call them student-handy, I call them attendees, because I think formality needs to be returned to education. I would like to say hello to all attendees of John Oliver's secondary school. Good luck with your endeavors,

and that's what you're learning there. You will either forget or will prove irre prove irrelevant over the next 10 years. Do keep your emails coming into the google at timesonline.co.uk and also keep flooding in your nominations for Hotties from History. We can now proudly announce the winners of Mr and Miss March from History. Mr. March is the physics megastar and self-styled Pete Sampras of electromagnetism. Michael Faraday and Miss March, could it have been anyone else?

Eleanor Roosevelt, no Roosevelt. Oh yeah, six foot tall, three foot wide. And now sports and breaking news cycling is the best sport in the world. If sports are measured by how many gold medals Britain wins at World Championships, which they are. So what you're like about Britain, we've got some people who can go really fast on two wheeled, engineless vehicles. We were aided in the Madison events by the fact that no other nation has yet deciphered the rules. World Champion Chris Hoy managed to figure them out using the machine that cracked the Enigma code in the war and so rumped to a gold medal.

And I think the success of our cyclist John really throws into sharp relief the failure of our pampered overpaid footballers. Why can't Stephen Gerard ride a bicycle at 40 miles an hour? He does it for his club, week in, week out. We are the ViCount of the Velodromandy. Come take that title from us, world. And now, a possibly unique moment in the history of broadcasting, an audio cryptic crossword clue that has the same number as the issue of the bugle it is appearing in. This may or may not have happened before, I'm not sure, but it's certainly happening now. It's 23 across. Five letters long split into two words of three and two, and this clue really shows what an unoriginal society we now live in, and the dangers of excessive technology.

Sheep follows manufacturer of computer sports games which turn into Wolf 32. Everyone calm down and think about it rationally. I was doodling all the time. Well John, perhaps you'd enjoy this section of the bugle if you'd ever had a dictionary in your entire life. And now we conclude the bugle with the bugle forecast as always. This week it's a retrospective forecast of what will have happened in the grand national last Saturday. John, what's your prediction? Definitely going to say a horse is going to win it this year. Right. And I think that horse is going to be horsey

muck hoof hoof. Oh, I think you've done your research. I'm going to predict slightly more specifically that Saturday's race will have been won by a jockey whose surname contains a vowel or by a horse with at least two hips. And I just hope there's no repeat of last years of pauling scenes when in a loophole in the British Euthanasia laws, the elderly couple, Maureg and Dennis Fitch, entered the Grand Nationals of Pantamime Horse, took a dive at the first, and then just waited for the toppulland of mercy.

Isn't the toppulland of mercy going to be the top of your autobiography, aren't they? No, it's a bando was in when I was 50. Oh, that's correct. I always get the two mixed up. Yeah, we were loud. Anyway, that's all from the Bugle this week. To keep your emails flooding in, the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk And look at all the goodies on our spec. All websites. Timesonline.co.uk slash the Bugle.

And when I say slash, I mean it in the musketeer sense. Bye! Cheerio!