The Bugle - Independents Day – Bugle 4098

Episode Date: February 23, 2019

Andy, Alice and Anuvab talk us through moon news, more disgusting animal news, Brexit breakups and Indian crocodile news. Plus - The Bugle is changing and needs you to survive. Contribute and keep us going here. With @HelloBuglers Alice Fraser Desiree Burch @ProducerChris More episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, butlers and welcome to issue 4,098 of the bugle it is the 22nd of emery 2019 and I in London I'm and the salt man and I'm a sure of that as I can be of anything in this age of doubt and dissembling I do know for sure that what I am not is either of my two co-hosts this week

I'm neither first of all, joined again by the voice of Philharthan Riesan herself, Alice Fraser. Thank you, Andy, I'm putting that on my next poster. Nora Boy and I'm equally confident of this, coming to you live from Mumbai as is Anivab Pal. Hello, Andy, I'm happy to report that you are indeed currently not me. Okay, that we've cleared that out, that's not a reason. How's India? Well Andy, Alice, hello, things are well. We have a massive election coming up. A billion people are going to vote in the amount you make. So election campaigning has started and a lot of politicians to get people's votes just give away stuff for free, Andy. They give away air conditioners, refrigerators, microwaves.

And I was going to suggest if that could be useful to get Brexit people to vote. And influence the vote in any way. Is that just, you know, again, just like Eastern medicine, these are just these sympathics that are hoping catches on in the West. Well, I guess that, is it as preferable to, you know, to offer people something physical and concrete

rather than offering them a fantastical pipe cream? But why would they ever offer you a real fridge when they can offer you the hope of a fridge in the future that will never arrive? Oh, democracy, you old tease. It is the 22nd of February 2019, meaning it is the 220 second anniversary of the last invasion of Britain the last time I hostile foreign force landed on British soil of that's disagreed with by some right wing tabloids who seem to think there is an invasion on an almost daily basis. But the last official invasion of Britain, 1797, resulted in the battle of fishguard. There was a planned three-prong attack by the French that turned into a one-prong, not so much attack as brief outbreak of

looting, a two-day low-level scrimmage and then surrender and the end. In terms of violence, it was on a level with three drunken uncles at a wedding arguing over who gets the last profiterol. The French invasion force quickly surrendered and wandered off with a least competent invasion award, a certificate for advanced half-assury brackets military, and the sense that Britain would never truly ever trust anything coming from a continent ever again. The MVP of the Battle of Fiskard, Jemima Nicholas, 47 years old, who armed only with a pitchfork rounded up 12 French soldiers who then swiftly surrendered super-peace of admissions biking from Jemmaima.

To give some context, these French soldiers were apparently paralysically drunk and surrendered in the pub. LAUGHTER Welcome all wars be like that. In the Royal Oak. Are you sure it was an invasion and they didn't just get turned around in the channel and think they were coming on in? It's possible.

The terms of surrender included giving up in Vading Britain. No next dibs on the turned around in the channel and think they were coming on. It's possible. The terms of surrender included giving up and invading Britain, no next dibs on the pool table in the Royal Oak, don't clean out the quiz machine, and a two drink minimum for all invading French soldiers for the next 100 years. Also, today's the anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. Which Miracle on Ice? Ah well, well, I'll give you a multiple choice

quiz since you ask, Alex, and Anavab, you can chip in on this as well. What was the miracle on ice and on the 22nd of February of which year did it take place? Was it A in 1931 when Jay Bramett forklings, the Canadian Emeritus Professor of Massinology at the University of Labrador, demonstrated how Jesus could at least have walked on frozen water by walking across a frozen lake on Baffin Island in February. Not all the locals believed it, of course. They were having none of it. They were having none of it. Yeah, we got it.

We just told if we ignored it, you'd stop. Well, I did kind of suspect we'll get that reaction in New York. No, no. Oh no! And what's the miracle on ice speed? 1994, a book of academic writings by the Hungarian Nobel Prize winning philosopher Miracul, concerning the deeper meanings of the early works of the rapper ICT. Was the miracle on ice in 2002 a really awesome cocktail made by 18-year-old Percival crimper, a house party, in which he raided his parents' booze cupboard and blended some cheap lap-vian whiskey, a can of cider, eight years past its best before date,

that had fallen over behind a bottle of bacon flavored tequila at the back of that booze cabinet. With some cornflakes and whipped cream, a gherkin, and some deep-heat muscle rub. With a resulting concoction, her cost crimp to ask Kimberly Scroffins out on a date, and she said yes to everyone surprised the cocktail was given its miracle on ice name,

although Kimberly and Percival never went on that date and later transpired that she had not to everyone surprised the cocktail was given its miracle on ice name although Kimberley and a person will never went on that date and later transpired that she had not even been at the party. In fact, proposition a portrait painting of his great-time Meredith to prefer was a bit of a look back at the 1930s or was the miracle on ice D in 1980 when the USA beat the mighty Soviet Union in ice hockey at the Winter Olympics. The amateur American team made up of young college students, a couple of competition prize winners who'd sent in pictures of polar bears, playing ice hockey.

Also, in the squad are cleaner from the venue, who just wandered into the team room at the wrong time, and ended up playing 22 minutes of the match for the American team. And President Jimmy Carter, of course, it's a little known fact that American presidents can not only give partners to criminals, but can also select themselves for national teams in any Olympics. And as well as, as I said, Marlon Brando was in the squad researching for a forthcoming role in the film, Puck Invaders 2, Alien, Hockey, Mayhem.

The Soviet team, of course, made up of the leading ice hockey players from the communist world in 1984, time reigning Olympic champions, the Red Machine, included not only some great hockey players, but also a crack division of the Red Army, including four PT-76 amphibious tanks, and the former Communist Revolution star Lenin as addressing a motivational corpse. But just by this, America 143,

thanks to two third period goals, and also by being supported by the combined forces of democratic justice against the skewed, broken, hypocritical pseudomarchist autocracy of the USSR. Causing wild scenes of celebration reminiscent when the Stretten Redhall came from three down with 12 minutes to go against the London Raiders back in November of 2018. So take it to over time and we're not gonna shoot out. Surely one of the greatest upsets in sports history.

The Stretten one or the American one I forget. Today is also world thinking day. Wait, was it a quiz? It was definitely a question. Definitely a quiz. No, I've forgotten the quiz. All right, it was which of those was the miracle on ice. 20 seconds in February.

There you go. Alances are imposed. It was all of them. All of them, all of them are true. It's a special year, the last one. Today. Did you forget halfway through writing that as I forgot halfway through listening to that,

that it was a quiz. Well, what is a quiz? Even though it was, you know, D, the game between the Russians and the Americans, the world would have been a much better place if it was B, and also called Miracle, writing a book on the rapper ICT. And its subsequent sequel, I wonder if it'd be called just frozen It's sad that it's not that oh yeah, but then again, you know is is life just not you know a quiz and which you never really find the answer Who we blaming here me Reality is who we're blaming here the first question

me or reality. It's who we're blaming here, the first question. I mean, again, that is a very, that is basically the fundamental question driving all of global politics right now. That's what happens in the show. We just accidentally satirized the nature of existence through our incompetent writing. Today is also World Thinking Day. We would encourage you to boycott this evil institution. Thinking could undermine Brexit,

could lead to an irreparable breakdown in a trust in democracy. Could cause markets plattering doubts about whether unfettered capitalism is really the most sensible way to run the planet. So please do not succumb to the temptation to think about what the f*** we've done to this planet over the last 5,000 years. The whole edifice could come crashing down. BEEP BEEP BEEP bugle is going straight in the bin. This week we look at social media as more and more people and indeed some celebrities who are like people but different, although they do share over 85% of the same DNA. People and celebrities are ditching

social media platforms such as Instagram, Twitter, Femero, which is the one second thought platform. Transients, which is the hit Forgetable Entertainment platform, which creators can post songs, films, poems and various other influenceorials, requiring a maximum of two discernible thought processes to compute, which naturally fade from the audience's mind within six seconds. Also, people have been boycotting in significant facts in which celebs post uninteresting observations, contactless aphorisms, and post endorsement photographs, the in significant facts page stroke app, then sends a fax to the celebs followers telling them that their hero has posted something, but not what it is that they've posted. The followers then

wonder what it was for a couple of seconds and then get on with their lives. So it has been a tough time for platforms such as this, according to a new report by the social media app, Exaggerate, which translates things that are at least partially true and to wildly overstated claims masquerading as fact, which has claimed that platforms like Instagram and Twitter are being abandoned by people in their trillions. And we also ask, should you give up listening to podcasts? No, no, please, please, please, do not do that, particularly. Not now, at this time, where the bugle is going independent.

Now, we will have a full relaunch episode in March and a new season, I think it'll be season five, Chris, for the bugle, or is it season six? I mean I don't even know like what number you want to call this this new season, right? I mean we're currently on season four, right? I think it's season four. Yeah but what about all the episodes in between, like all the episodes that from about 300 onwards? Where are they? Season one was the first four years at the time. Season two was the voluntary subscription years. Season three was one episode long season four was the current season since October 2017 so this is going to back to independent

donations which means season two part two yeah I agree with that. So season 2B was followed season 4. Yeah. I mean, that means as much sense as your item that went in the bin today. 2B or not? 2B, we will see. Season 2 returns. We need to workshop this. We do need to workshop this, and it's many other things.

But you can already contribute to the future of the bugle by going to the buglepodcast.com and clicking the Donate button. Yes, we are essentially relaunching a new improved voluntary subscription scheme. There are various options for you there So if you can and want to support this podcast, please do so and hopefully it'll catapult the bugle into a glorious new Independent future. So go to the buglepodcast.com and click donate. Top Story Private Moon Mission in MoonJews News Now. A team of Israeli scientists will launch the first privately funded moon mission sending a spacecraft to collect data from the lunar surface. The robotic lander is called bearish eat.

Is it a Hebrew word meaning Genesis? Andy does a bearish eat in the woods. Of course it is a Hebrew word meaning Genesis. Prepared by one. You didn't mean it. Tell me that obviously. Prepared by one of Elon Musk's SpaceX Falcon 9 rockets. It will measure the magnetic field of the moon.

And we'll also... I always thought I was wondering what that was actually. Yeah. Glad that something's going to be able to clear that up. I mean a number of times I've just been up in the middle of the night thinking I wonder what the magnetic force of the moon is. Just desperately holding up a fridge magnet and trying to feel it in your fingertips. Never quite sticks.

Yeah. The space thing bearish it will also deposit a time capsule of digital files, the size of coins containing the Bible, children's drawing, Israel's national anthem and flag, as well as memories of a Holocaust survivor, making it a full round of bullshit bingo for both anti-semitz Holocaust Don Ayers, moon learning skeptics and flat earthers. It's very exciting because they are hoping to find out a number of, I mean just quickly the logistic of it quite interestingly, the route is going to take the land of module is going to be put in the freight hold of an Airbus 380 from Tel Aviv Airport, direct to Dallas and then transported on a pickup to the studio where they film these things with

their special flurry flags. So hopefully the the adopted film should be up online by the middle of next week. So the hoping to find out from this expedition is the moon actually a fully farmable arable paradise covered in a temporary shell casing making it look like a useless rock of no particular relevance to humanity. And also is the moon kosher? Not if they take meat up there. This doesn't necessarily mean it's dairy, does it? Isn't the moon made of cheese? Wasn't that a... Well, I guess that was a thing,

but whether it's a true thing or not, I think there's probably a loophole on that. We won't know until it's on a bagel, Andy. Never a true word said. Andy, Alice, I have a good question about this. It's sent us around just rich people doing things in space. Now I know this is a private mission. And I know that Jeff Bezos is a thing called Blue Origin,

where he sends stuff up in space. And I have a side-emission where I'm kind of obsessed with rich people's hobbies. And I looked up a particular Middle Eastern prints who was obsessed with making exotic pets make love to each other to see what would happen. And he made an emulane giraffe mate just to see what would happen. And I feel...

And I have no record of what happened because I didn't speak to the email with the draft. But I do know that rich people down in America, and I assume in Israel, are obsessed with just sending things out to space. Now, if I was an alien, and I just started seeing stuff, just go up there. I would think that was just another red spoiled brat

who invented TikTok or something. I don't know why, I just want to know how you guys feel about the rich, private people being obsessed with space. Well, I mean, it's just all part of humanity's escape strategy, isn't it? Because clearly we're busy in this planet out. So if we can, we can stick a rocket on the moon. Yeah, and of a, from a particular perspective, this is just rich people seeing what you can get to another thing and it's gone from a fucking poor people to seeing if you can

f*** the stars. Also, they will be looking for any further proof that God might have promised the move to my team as well. Hoping to find some kind of God in the moon dust that he marked out the renowned orb for his chosen people. We'll be very excited. Whole new promised satellite. In other, tangentially related, I guess, waiting for the Messiah news, a fish could be Jesus.

Scientists found that a Scottish stickleback fish had a virgin birth. They named the fish Mary after the mother of Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, for those you haven't heard of him, prominent turn of the first millennium, Middle East Basin, Magician and Rackon, of course. Apparently this fish fertilized its own eggs internally, in an absolute first for stickleback reproduction. Jesus, of course, was, in his time, one of the top rank massages, although the rankings, I think, was, it is time on the top rank of the size. Although the rankings, I think, were done like tennis rankings, so that they only counted

your miracles and your parables in the last 12 months, all weighted equally, which is kind of ridiculous. I know why I went down and do it more like golf, where it decays over two years, so it's more weighted to the recent miracles and the parables. So probably you're feeding of the 5,000, you're wetting it, kay, no turning water into one, that kind of stuff.

Great for a year, then suddenly worth nothing. To me, it skews the whole notion of how messianic you can judge someone to be. But I digress. Anyway, if it's got this, they would collect that the way they just go with it. They're collecting fish, these scientists, during a scheme to do the genome sequencing of sticklebacks because, well, you have to, don't you? I mean you've got another genome sequence of a stickleback otherwise otherwise what's the point? And hopefully they'll be able to then pinpoint why it is that us and sticklebacks are so different

from each other. Why is it that we can't breathe underwater and they can't play cribbage or build functioning medieval castles? So hopefully the genome sequencing will reveal all that. So this fish, Mary, Mary the Stickle Pack delivered her Stickle Nippers by Caesarian section. It's the problem with fish, they two pots to push. And 54 bouncing whilst blushing baby Stickle Bucks. Miracle baby fishes, Alice. Miracle baby fishes, it does cast some light on how Jesus did do the multiplying of the fisher situation himself. If internal fertilization was part of that I don't think anyone would have wanted to eat however many fish there were.

Oh no no I've had plenty. At 20 of these 54 fish are still alive. It's not clear where the any where the remaining 34 have been betrayed by the bodies, crucified. Very hard to tell with fish. You're so hesitant to say we couldn't believe it when we found she had completely developed embryos inside her ovaries. Pretty much unheard of. Say the scientist, I mean there's a lot of questions that have been raised by this story I think. First of all, how would you have heard of it if it happened before because fish don't talk?

That's very famously their thing. That's why you send people to sleep with them. Yep. Because they're very discreet. Fish don't talk, hips don't lie to them, the tales of life. Alexander, my question is very simple. What this effect the deeting scene in the high seas? I don't know much about the dating scene in the high seas.

It's been a while. It's relatively fruitful Andy. There's always more fish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I went a real kind of gender war and then what I mean, what a male fish can I do? I just be, you know, a foot loose, fancy, furry. Can you be foot loose without a foot? Other questions, but when was this really the coming of the Piscite Jesus? If so, could a fish Messiah actually be more effective than a human Messiah? And also, how disappointed should I be as an English Jew,

who isn't very good at swimming, that it seems that the messiah is a f***ing stickleback fish from Scotland. Fair point, but think about this, how many messiahs can go in and out of the jet stream? Well, again, it's one of the eternal questions of life. People are asking a lot of questions in this episode, and I'm not sure you really want answers to this. How many pharaohs does it take to change a light bulb? How many? I don't like your answer.

No, I don't. That's what I want to know. I imagine they delegate. I don't seem averse to a prolonged period in a darkened room. One to do it, the other to claim the monument and carve their name over the other one's face. In other natural world news, more f***ing disgusting insect news. I've followed on from last week's f***ing disgusting news. That following on from last week's f***ing disgusting in-techno news section. The world's largest B has been discovered, rediscovered in fact. People thought it had gone extinct. There hasn't been seen for

almost four decades. The B is called the Megachyle Pluto, also known as Wallace's giant B, also known as Big Stingy Buzz Buzz. That's absolutely unique. Keep it simple. Also known as Wallace's giant bee also known as big stingy buzz buzz Also known as the honey Hercules the six-legged shipbag and the pollen pounding bastard bug and the B-rex It's been rediscovered this. It's absolutely vast. It clocks in that almost four centimeters long which is way too big for a bee in my book. So as big as a human thumb also like a human thumb it's not what you want poking out of your sausage sandwich it a picnic. Oh, crucially it's got six more legs and one less.

Oh up your butt. More than interesting places. I mean you didn't need to say that Alice. But I did anyway. Have you seen the picture of this big bee? Yeah. It's pretty big, but it's not as big as I thought it would be when people were telling me that the biggest bee had been found. I think it's big for a bee, but it's not as big as that big cow.

Remember the big cow? Yep, yep. I mean, it's obviously smaller than that cow, but technically it's probably a bigger bee for a bee than that cow was big for a cow compared to other cows. I expect to be more impressed, that's what I'm saying. Right, I mean, I think I'd be pretty impressive, I saw it in person. Crucially, to return to the comparison with the human thumb,

I have six more legs and one more sting than the average thumb, and is less likely to get you a free ride in someone's car if you hitchhike by waggling it at passing drivers. Much more effective, sorry, much less effective than the human thumb, unless that thumb is severed, which is in many ways the worst way to hitchhike, compared with a regular beat. It's almost three times as long, and the Lady Megachal Pluto, or I think the Megachal deed of the Daxson technically for Disney fans or the mega-child Persephone for classical mythology fans. She's the big one for almost four centimeters in B-length

a male version to much shorter the PC brigade have finally got their way. It has jaws according to the 19th century naturalist Alfred Wallace, like quotes, an industrial level f***er robot mega-shock, chomp you up like a Frank Fertron gobb you into a bucket. And normal B weighs only 1.1 grams, whereas the mega-child Pluto can weigh none of your business. You've already length shamed the lady mega-child B, don't start banging on about its weight,

let it be the B it wants to be. And in terms of wingspan, more than a housefly, less than a lackey's to bomber, they're still f***ing big for a B. In more discovering of all creatures big and tiny, the fossilized remains of a proto-T wrecks has been found in Utah. It's about the size of a donkey.

It's a tiny dinosaur or a dinosaur, as I should have known. It stood around three to four feet tall at the hip and lived 15 million years before the big T-rexes, and has been named Moros Intrepidus, meaning Harbinger of Doom, which reminds me of my niece-in-law, who is extremely big for her one and a half years of age, but very small for an actual human. But she keeps getting in trouble for going into the infant area during daycare and nap time and trying to hug the babies like a miniature goodzilla. But imagine being a tiny T-Rex, it'd be like being one of those small dogs that you see in the city, you think they're the same amount of dog as a big dog, but clearly

aren't. Dr. Lindsay Zanno, who's a paleontologist at the North Carolina State University, has said, when and how quickly Tyrannosaurs went from wallflower to prom king, has been vexing paleontologists for a long time, which says a lot about how unpopular most paleontologists were during their high school years without shedding any light on the answers at all. Imagining high school prom full of dinosaurs, it would be even more carnage than an actual high school prom, which from American movies looks like a really stressful nexus of narrative driven coming of age character arcs and date rape. You know, Ellis, I think that this is the kind of T-Rex that will definitely display

fascist tendencies. Are you going to explain, you know, give a little more flesh on those long fossilised bones? They can't do the Hitler'sw, they've got tiny arms. In other giant versions of animals that are not actually extinct news, now more exciting news, a living member of a species of tortoise not seen over a hundred years and thought to be extinct has been found. In the Galapagos Islands, the species is known as the Chelanoidus Fantasticus, which is also a medical condition,

suffered by 30% of all popes, which are a rash, caused by chafing of an unwashed chazubal. So giant tortoises are back, giant bees are back. If this does not convince you that the apocalypse is coming, wait until you see the size of the pussycat they found in the lining closure of Windsor for Safari Park last week. There's a lot of talk in the papers about insects dying off and if insects die off all of humanity apparently dies off. So maybe they're revolving into one big insect and then

Chris is the question is one big thing of something better than many small things of the same thing. Oh well that's run and run through history. Yes, when it comes to Toblerones. LAUGHTER Well, we've clearly deliberately avoided this for the show so far. I'm banging on about moon landing and massive bees, but it's time now to turn our attention

reluctantly to Brexit once again, the inescapable shit on our national dinner plate here in Britain and time the insufferable little bastard that it is as inflexibly rumbling on and on despite the fact that we in Britain we could seriously do with time slowing down at the very least ideally stopping for a while to let us get our national shit together or even more ideally going backwards so that we can have another girl at stuff. Not that far backwards, for any of our ardent Jacob Rees-Mog supporting hard Brexit rebuild the Empire-type buglers. Maybe just four years or so so we can inject David Cameron with a special serum that makes him immune to the temptation to hold ill-defined high-risk referendum in an effort to shore up his personal political power base in a traditionally sclerotically divided Tory party. If you want to know what's

been going on this week in the Brexit legislative negotiatory dead linniac situation, just listen to the Brexit bit from any bugle from the last two years and imagine that with a heightened sense of panic, disillusionment, stroppiness and embathelment. More votes in Parliament are imminent, the days are ticking down until the government officially launches its new cliff edges of fun slogan. And the ghost of King Arthur is due to emerge at some point next week from his fictional grave and ram Excalibur back into a stone while saying, I'm done with this f***ing place. And this week we've seen the party system is starting to crumble seven Labour MPs splat from the Labour Party in protest that Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit stance which in case you've not been following it is yeah, I think look

Definitely let's give another couple of weeks And also due to anti-Semitism within the Labour, including Chukka Ramona, my local MP, he's a splat from Labour. Then three Conservative MPs, splat from the Conservative Party, one more Labour MP, splat from Labour, and another Labour MP, he's splat but not to join the new Alliance of Independent MPs made up of the other ones who already split Stokesplat off. V, La Revollution, Britannic, this is an indecisive revolt in response to an era of indecision precipitated by an indecisive decision in the referendum. They are literally trembling in Downing Street. Well, I mean, they're doing that anyway all the time. This might have added a slight

extra tremble. What essentially is, is a slow, pathetic fragmentation of a party system that is not so much ripe for change, as ripened fallen off the tree, mulched down rotten and decayed for change. Where will it all end? Ah, I don't f***ing know. Frankly, our system is clearly as not as it can possibly get without being America or indeed many other countries. Is it possible that enough people will rebel against their own party so that the number of independence is actually larger than the number of people in board the parties right now? It's possible but at the current rate I think I will take about eight years. Yeah I mean as revolution's go it's pretty low key isn't it? It's not, you know, I'm not exactly chained themselves to the houses of parliament, dressed as giant courgettes like in the old days.

Well, you know, in all this depressing news and the others, I can report for my corner of the world, there is one place I know that still loves Britain. It's a restaurant in South Mumbai and it's a restaurant that you've probably been to and it's called Britannia. Oh yes. Very Indian name Britannia. And its owner has for the last 70 years refused to be part of the Indian Union. He ties the British flag, has a photograph of your queen and most of the time often refuses to speak to any customer in the local language. Really carrying on the British traditions there. He really is, he really is. And I think in all the spread news I just thought you

know I throw out from a far flunk corner of the end of the former empire. There are people that miss the old days. And in India news, Andy, we've all been here, so I just wanted to report it. NDTV, one of our main news channels reported about three weeks ago, that a man accidentally drove his car onto a cricket field. Plenty was lost that you've taken a round turn. Now, I just want to know what you guys think of this. I mean, we've all been handy.

I know, you know, suddenly you may have taken a left in London and suddenly you're on the lawns page in the middle of the ashes. Apparently, this was the news item here, I do not know why leading creatures complained that a small Hyundai Wagon R draws straight under the bitch asking for directions. And this is not just an ordinary club game where I mean, in fact, that can happen all the time given that the demarcation between road and cricket field and hinder is much more blurred than it tends to be here. This was a ranger trophy game, the kind of professional level of Indian domestic cricket, featuring a number of stars from the Indian national team.

And I was like, no, no, that's driven onto the playing surface, which was driven right into the middle, onto the pitch, where the game is played, which needs to be protected, the all-cross. They get stroppy about human beings running on the pitch because it could damage the surface, it's a huge part of cricket. This guy has driven his car onto the actual pitch of this cricket ground.

And presumably, it's one thing to draw accidentally drive into a cricket ground. I mean, mistakes are made. But to then think, oh, look at all those guys in the middle. I'll just drive up to that and I'll ask them if they don't want to. There's only one place here that looks like a parking spot. Yeah. Exactly.

I mean, guys, look, when your Google Maps is not working, they're asked someone for directions why not the Wicked Keeper. The BCCI Acting President, CK. Kanna told PTI, this is a breach of security measures that the services sports control board ground. Imagine if any, if the man had had any sinister motive, then lives of international cricketers could have been in danger. Imagine though, instead of sinister motives, he had a carful of balloons. Then lots of international cricketers could have had a fun balloon party, but what if we imagine instead that he was mood-covered in chocolate spread and sprinkles with disapproving

pictures of his own frowning face pasted over his nips and dongles. Then the lives of international cricketers could have been full of confusion. This kind of speculation helps nobody. Alice, I think you've just revived the Ranjitrofi cricket tournament just that one. Nips and dongles, the most harrowing kids cartoon I've ever seen. Very quickly, the other Indian news, and again, Alice and I've been here. An Indian man, a man in Mumbai, and this is on the BBC, so disparate for giving birthday. Look, both his parents are very harsh on the tab.

I guess they were both involved in the whole process. And it raises a valuable philosophical question that man has been trying to answer for millennia. Who are we and what are we doing here? Right? And he's answered it by saying, we are forced into a habitat non-concentrally and then we interlitigate. I mean, I get his outrage, Anavab.

None of us want to contemplate the uncomfortable reality that for most of us we are the residual byproduct of our time our parents literally had naked sex with each other. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror when all you can see is that we are in ourselves a constant, inescapable reminder of the erotic vignette of sweaty, procreative parental coitus. That's why women wear makeup. Alice, I'm worried have you been talking to this guy? But his parents were both lawyers. So this is going to be a tough case for him to win, albeit it does maybe justify why soon.

I think he should sue them for making him into such an asshole. He raised a lot of interesting points in his affidavit. He said, why should I suffer? Why must I be stuck in traffic? Why must I work? Why must I face wars? Why must I feel pain? Why should I do anything when I don't want to? Many questions, one answer, someone had me for their pleasure. That's really drilling down into the very heart of the human condition, is he said? I have a feeling, whatever rule the judge passes on this.

He's going to go back and maybe sue his own parents and that I'm not going to say. This is a record hold, which is the same? I mean, that could set an extremely dangerous legal precedent. I mean, it's the nanny state going mad, hasn't it? The going to the courts to complain about choices your parents have made instead of doing what people who hate their parents used to do which is marry someone they disapprove of and then wait for them to get old and ship them off to an old folks home with deliberately ugly carpets.

Dear look at problems yourself mate. I think you may just have described India Alice. Describe the lives of a billion people. In my last India story, Alessandhi, it's a question, it's a question. Again, I'm the BBC, Indian Rail Minister, our minister of Railways has just launched a train, he claims it's India's fastest train, it's called the Fande Bharat Express. And to show the world that he's launched this fast train, he put up a two-minute clip of it on Twitter and immediately Twitter trolls pointed out that the train was not fast but the footage was a 2x speed

which raises again an important philosophical question for you guys is being fast as important as looking fast He's not in today's world. It's all about appearances, about perception. Yeah, you can't really hold him accountable for using technology to make something look a little more impressive than it actually is in this era of social media filters. Show me someone who would willingly select and send the accurate, if depressing, dick-pick instead of the one where it looks as much as possible like alooming monument to the might of the ages of man and I will show you a liar.

Well it's got that you know government ministers in India are taking the philosophy of the dick pic into top level politics. And Alice this is probably the first time that a dick pic has been compared to Hellenic Greece. Now, this is probably the first time that a dick has been compared to Hellenic grease. So, it shouldn't roam. Well, they were not afraid of a dick, but ancient grease, they put it on their vases. And it's not the first time this has happened. If you look at any black and white footage

from the early 20th century, obviously, people speed it up to make it up, like, were they were busier than they actually were. This is the thing, guys. This is the thing. Perhaps Indian Railway Minister Piushkoel is a huge buster-keton fan. We don't know.

I'm happy to report that subsequently in the Asfastas train has had a few roadblocks. It broke down on two of its first two runs. The first time people threw stones at it, I don't know why, and the second time it hit cattle. And the third time there was a person crossing with a motorbike and he saw this really fast train coming. This was somewhere in the state of Wotepradesh that the train covers. He saw the train, he abandoned his motorbike and ran. And perhaps it raises important questions in our democracy, which is there is a reason our trains go slowly.

I have an India story as well, Anavab. Fantastic. Which you sent through. So it's your story. But the officials have caused an environmentalism cuffuffel in India by beginning to remove hundreds of crocodiles from the side of the world's largest statue. Which I love, they're being relocated to allow for a sea plane service to carry tourists to the statue of Unity, which is impressive because it's a 597-foot tall, twice the size of the statue of Liberty and was also apparently built smack-banging in the middle of a massive live crocodile, which makes it quite the feat.

The authorities are worried that hundreds of crocodiles will interfere with the new tourist see-play in that hopes to ferry people in to see the statue, and I think this is a situation where they need to take note of the obvious signs. Bow to the inevitable and install an evil super villain in the giant statue that's surrounded by it's a giant statue surrounded by f***ing crocodiles that is not just the natural environment of crocodiles it's also the natural environment of someone with plans to shoot the moon. Do you know though that they built this statue in the middle of a crocodile's womb or did they build a statue and then the crocodiles came to see what all the fuss was about.

Now I'm glad you guys brought this up because one of my paternal statues this is was a noted Indian freedom fighter India's first defence minister. He was many things but he was not a bond villain. Was he a crocodile fan? I think he made like reptiles. He made like reptiles. And there is a big revival of fellow Bipotel in India because he was a big patriot. He started in years first independent army, people love him. So a lot of associations with patriotism. But again in India, we ask questions that have

never been asked in the world which is patriotism or reptiles. What a game show, that would be. What a game show, that would be. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Don't forget the Bugle Live tour of the USA begins on Tuesday in Brooklyn, then Wednesday in Washington, DC, and Extra Show has been added in Washington. So please do come along to that. Then 10 other cities over the following two weeks by which time I will be even more tired than I am now. I'm bearing

my now, I've just had six consecutive mornings in which I've had to get up at 5.30 am to take my son to a half term, half term camp, and my entire adult and working life has been dedicated to not having to get up at 5.30 in the morning. Something has gone horribly wrong. So the American Tour will feature Alice Fraser on screen. On screen via Skype. We have a couple of other live guests, new bugle guests during the tour. So do come along to all of those shows, details on the bugle website and elsewhere on the internet. And don't forget if you want to contribute financially to the future of the bugle we are going independent, relaunching the voluntary

subscription scheme, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button and your support will be enormously, gratefully. oh that's sentenced as hailed off because you're trying to be sincere and no it doesn't it doesn't come easily to me and all your contributions will be gratefully received and spent on sports memorabilia sorry the future health and continuing existence of the show until next week M Beoglars, goodbye.

Bye bye. Bye bye. you