The Bugle - Iran tries to buy time, Trump outbids them

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

Andy is with Mark Steel and Ria Lina to ask the big questions...Are we still paying attention to the Iran war?Would Andrew Mountbatten Windsor make a good mechanic?Has anyone read the latest Peter Mandelson files? And the World Cup - a political own goal?🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,381 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm Andy Zaltzman here in London, in the shed where dreams come to die. Sorry, where I go and I wake up in the morning. Potato, potato. It's the 2nd of June 26 as we record. But insert the date on which you are actually listening to this here, by the time you yourself are listening,

proving once again that either time remains unchangeable, and the one constant in our otherwise fluid world or that time travel has finally been invented. Delete according to whether you were listening to this after or before the 2nd of June 2026. Anyway, joining me, resolutely sticking to the present where we all belong, frankly. Delighted to welcome back to the bugle,

Ria Lina and Mark Steele. Hello, hello both of you. How are you? Good morning, afternoon, night. Insert here, what time you're listening to this. I'm fine, Andy. I've been to Germany to watch my football team win a contrived cup. Yes. Oh.

I mean, it's an odd sponsorship tie up, contrived as a concept. But, you know, I guess you've got to sell it. So this was the Mighty Crystal Palace. Their first European, the conference league. The conference league, but it doesn't really matter. You know, it could be called the Ram three Fruit Bastel Conference, and it would be fine with that. In what form did the conference element of this come about?

Was there a special selection of speakers with PowerPoint presentations before the game? The players all have to get voted and then there's a big row on the floor and, of course, some of the trade unions had a block vote. So that's how we won. Is the other team, their conference elected a sideboard as their left back.

That surprises me. The Germans lost. They're usually very good at. team sports. No, the game was in Germany, but we were playing against the Spanish team. A Spanish team, I'd say, that is magnificent, Rayo Velichano. And they are the poorer part of Madrid. And they're very proud that they're not at Lettico Madrid or Real Madrid. And so they, what about this? They gave out leaflets to all their fans as they were going in, explaining the history of Crystal Palace. And then waited, 40, they had a big,

banner they brought out at the end saying to be with you in our defeat is our victory. And then they waited for 40 minutes to cheer Palace, who had just beaten them as we got the trophy. And then spent the rest of the night in the centre of Leipzig, just getting drunk and dancing about. So in the end, I sort of thought, oh, no, you've ruined it now. Oh, folks, you'd win. You're brilliant. That's the problem with sport. You need people to be absolutely. devastated by defeat. I remember thinking the same

in the Cricket World Cup Final 2019 when New Zealand lost on in questionable circumstances we'd probably talk about on the bugle at the time that the initial game was tied they had the super aim over

sort of cricket's equivalent of a penalty shootout that was tied as well and then someone found a rule saying that whichever team hit more fours and sixes in the game was the winner which was a something that no one had considered

at any point during the game and be a completely ridiculous way to judge a cricket match. It was one of the great, in many ways, one of the great sporting injustices and New Zealand took it irritatingly well. They should have been on the floor,

bawling their eyes out at the cosmic injustice of this, and they ruined the moment by being good sports about it. There's no place for that in modern sport. We're recording on the 2nd of June, 26, as I said earlier. On the 4th of June is apparently National Cheese Day. It wasn't entirely clear, from my not particularly in-depth research

in what specific nation it is National Cheese Day but when all is said and done and we're not all just part of the single great nation of humanity. No, absolutely not, as proved by, for example, the past and the present and almost certainly the future. Also, when all is said and done, never actually happens. People just keep fucking gnaturing on and doing stuff

at one often leading into the other. Anyway, it is National Cheese Day. To commemorate which, here is the sound of milk being poured into a big bucket. then some bacteria being chucked in, and a squage of Renner. Sorry, Renet, Redd it, remove Jeremy Renner from the cheese. Anyway, if you all come back and listen to this bit in a few days,

it will sound like a piece of cheese. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, well, Tony Blair, the former British Prime Minister in 2003 British mass protest prompting champion, bleated his way back into politics last week, with, of all things, an essay. Five and a half thousand words long, loosely entitled Why the Labour Party is shit these days

compared to when I was the Labour Party. Basically, in summary, this country ain't big enough for two Labour leaders who won a sizable majority at a general election, despite a low vote share of a dismal turnout, leaving the party vulnerable to its shallow support, dissipating over the course of the enduring Parliament. So we are having a special

commemorative essays section in the bin in which we set you essays about the world. your choice of essays, buglers, answer two in over five and a half thousand words each. Explain why military action works better when no discernible advance planning has been done. Essay number two, the time for judging politicians by their actions and the results of those actions is rightly over. Discuss with reference to one or both of the 45th and 47th presidents of the USA. Essay number three, the vast majority of species deserve to go.

extinct, it's what Charles Darwin would have wanted, discuss. SA4, explain exactly what the term endangered species means, with reference to the fact that there are fewer billionaires in the world than there are tigers in the wild. SA5, outline how the third millennium is on course to become the most annoying millennium in history, and essay 6, compare and contrast the relative merits and demerits of dysentery and the Republican Party in the 2020s. So those are your essays do send in your responses. this week, the Iran War. Remember that? It was all the rage a few months ago, with

emphasis very much on the rage. And fans of completely pointless ego-driven conflicts could be about to see that entertainment curtailed if a peace deal can be hacked out. But that remains a big if, as it has for quite some time. We're in a strange situation at the moment, don't you think? There's all this talk about a peace deal and then sort of attacks happen and then it's no one knows. Is it even worth trying to work out what is going on anymore, Mark? No. I heard Jeremy Bowen, the BBC's Foreign Affairs correspondent,

who seems like a decent chat and seems very knowledgeable. And I heard him on the radio one morning a few weeks ago in this conflict and lit, pretty much exactly this is what he said. This morning the president said that he got a present from Iran. It was a huge present. He couldn't say who the present had come from or what it was, but it was a big present, the biggest of all the presents. And he said he was looking forward to playing with the present and enjoying the present.

And you could tell in Jeremy Bowen's voice, he was so close to going, I can't do this anymore. It's just what am I supposed to say? Tomorrow am I going to go this morning, the president said that he'd learn to fly, that he could fly like an eagle, and that he could fly better than all the other eagles have said he could fly better than the eagles. The other eagles have said he's got more feathers than all the other eagles, and he's going to fly to Iran and in the Straits of Hormuz, going to command all the other eagles to pet the Iranian ships and make them sink, and that certainly

would transform the conflict. How can you begin to make sense of it? It's just, it bollets. And the commentators are on there going, well, the negotiations at the moment are, it's just mad. What's he going to do, announce that he's a cat, and that's his bull Iran, and he's now going to turn it into a golden tower and put it on top of his head. I just, so you can't, don't bother with it. That's good advice, Mark. I mean, Ria, how, I mean, it's, in terms of, you know, sort of clearing up the mess, Donald Trump hasn't always come across as someone who scrupulously clears up after himself as a matter of ingrained lifelong habit.

And do forgive me. Well, hang on. To be fair, we've never seen those tapes from Russia, so we don't know who did the cleaning up. That's true. And look, do forgive me if I'm judging a book by its cover contents, title, author, publisher, and what sort of paper it's printed on and who the quotes on the cover are from and about how great the book is. Never good when they're all from the author himself.

and the price of the book, which is ruinously expensive, but has to be paid for in the future. So look, it's hard to know what's going on. What's your take on the situation, Rio? Oh, I think it's one of those things you have to ignore. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think we need to remove all oxygen from the situation, metaphorically and possibly literally,

and just leave that fire to die out by itself. It's a weird thing to talk about having a peace deal. A peace deal suggests that both sides entered into this equally. You know, not that one of them jumped the other one in the middle of the night. Like, it is so strange. Like, it's like if your neighbor went to the neighborhood across the other side of town and started beaten up on someone else's house and then went, well, I'll stop if you, you know, if you do all these things that I want you to do, you go, why are you all the way over there?

Like, like, he's never, he's never once put anything in your bins. Why do you have an issue with that guy? I'm the one who keeps putting shit in your bins. But it just, I think we just have to leave it. Like this Hormuz hokey pokey that we keep playing, like all these boats have got, have got, you know, they need massages. They metaphorical neck massages for the number of times they're going,

oh, no, we can go. Oh, no, wait, we can't? They've got like whiplash from going, can we go? Can we go? Can we go? Can we not go? Can we not go? You know, and the one good thing that's coming out of it, though, apparently, is that Trump is using up all of their own gas and oil reserves in the U.S. And I'm like, that's not a bad thing. Because if he uses it all up in this conflict,

he's going to have to endorse renewable energy for the next one, which, you know, might make Greenland feel better. I think they've got minerals, but I don't think they got squatt else. So I think they're off the table. Trump did, say, sit back and relax just overnight, I think. Wait, was that in relation to Iran or E. Jean Carroll? Like, what are we talking here? I think Iran is so...

Whatever happens, he's going to have to sell it as a victory, isn't he? Even if the final deal is that Texas is now part of Iran. Yeah. Because so far his victory is to replace Khomeini with his son. That's at the moment all that's happened and the place has become much stronger and it probably will be. and they're even more appalling and vicious at shooting at all the dissidents, which is most people in the country.

So, but it'll sell it as a victory, won't it? He'll go, this is the greatest victory. They wanted New York, but they only had, they only got Connecticut. But yeah, really, absolutely right. It's, as you negotiate with, you wouldn't do that with them. That's what Israel does, and they'll bomb someone else next, because they're on a role, aren't they? And they'll bomb Finland and say that Helsinki is hiding Hamas and Hezbollah underneath the ice.

And they'll just wherever they fancy. Wherever Israel's going to bomb next, it's a bit like the World Cup draw, isn't it? Hot one, Guatemala. But that would at least bring a bit of fairness to war, I think. We've said this for many, many years, that war needs to learn from something. sport and they'll probably end up if it's like the World Cup

they'll end up with a ludicrously convoluted format that no one's particularly interested in but oh yeah the first yeah yeah yeah you've the four countries get bombed and first the two with the least amount of destroyed buildings go through to the next ground

or the third ones going to a playoff with go into a playoff with mortar Iran according to Reuters is trying to buy time, and as soon as that was announced, the price of time on the global market shot up uncontrollably. So, yeah, everything's up in the air, frankly.

I think the thing with, that I'm saying, it's impossible to know what's going on. I've come to the conclusion as a news consumer that I'm now only going to read the news 10 years after it happened and then be able to see it with some sort of context. And I think, yeah, I think the world, actually going back to 2016 is probably not a good idea. But I think there needs to be like a delay. I think there needs to be a delay on various things. So in America, there should be a delay between pulling the trigger on a gun and the gun actually firing of 24 hours.

I think a delay on news of, like I say, 10 years, let stuff happen and then we can work out what we think of it 10 years later with a bit of objectivity. We all just rush into the moment these days and I think we've got to change. Well, I mean, by that logic, I mean, let's look back. 2016, we voted to leave the EU. We thought we were wrong then. We're definitely still wrong to not be back in it. What about 112 years?

So we just now be going, should we have the First World War? Yeah. I mean, I don't think. Blair, we're the only one, wouldn't he? Belgium has clearly you know they've been and the Kaiser with his weapons of mass destruction

and there's no evidence for it he's not someone who learns from his mistakes is he Blair? Well no you can't that's the last thing you can do these days Mark you can't learn learning is a sign of weakness that should be clear now

as a species as individuals I thought Blair had retired You know, and that's why he doesn't wear his masks anymore, and he just is his true, like, demon self. I haven't seen a single picture of him in the last year that I haven't gone, oh, oh, that's his face. Oh, that's for real. Oh, my God, it's frightening, isn't it? And then the one way we have the long hair where he looked like, he looked like, this is the picture of, like, you imagine someone who had a couple of hits in 1985. Yeah, but like, assassin hits.

he looks like now in his cell. I was for when he, because after he retired as prime minister, he immediately announced that he'd become a Catholic. And I just thought, oh, imagine the poor priest that has to take that confection. Four fucking days,

he's always been here and he's not even got as far as Iraq. Um, uh, yes. So in terms of most pointless wars ever, ever thought, if this war does end relatively soon with basically nothing having changed. We talked quite a while ago on the bugle, of that episode 78 of the bugle, about the pig war. As if they've ever come across as 1859, Britain and America went to war about a pig. There was one casualty in the war

Which was the pig But it became known as the pig war Although it was More of just a preparation for a barbecue But I think this could be Almost Almost up there Corrupt Britain news now

It turns out that the palace Not Crystal Palace But the Buckingham Palace As a building Was given emails And buildings So often not so good At picking up on these things

About ex-Prince-Prince-A-Rour activities as a trade envoy in 2020. It was given these emails containing information about the erstwhile prince's dealings with Jeffrey Epstein. He's facing criminal proceedings over allegations that while he was trade envoy for the UK, he'd pass sensitive government information to Epstein. I mean, in his defence, there's nothing in the job spec as trade envoy that said that trading didn't involve trading state secrets in exchange for access to trafficked women. So look, you can understand why he maybe didn't pick up on that.

A new report has suggested that the palace knew, like I said, knew about this as long ago as 2020. The palace hasn't yet responded under an ancient tradition under which the royal family has 20 years to produce its version of events. And it can do so in the form of a tapestry that goes back quite a while. But it seems, I mean, he keeps cropping up in the news, now known as Andrew Mountbatten, Mountbatten, Windsor. there was a 30,000 document strong archive, or was it a cache, or was it a trove? We don't know. Previously, and also previously unseen communication revealing that in 1999, Buckingham Palace attempted to sell Andrew on eBay.

There was a listing from the day eBay launched its UK site from an account named Lizzie Big Palaces, offering a, quote, genuine prints in need of repair with a starting bit of 10 pounds. The auction expired without anyone making a bid, but there were another listing for spare Corgi, fetched 23 pounds 76 and a broken sceptor rumoured to have been snapped into in frustration when the then Queen Elizabeth the second Mr. Blewoff its spot when she was on for a maximum one four seven break on the royal snooker table that went for eight pounds plus postage but um what are we to make of this um I mean it'd be quite nice if this whole sordid um story was was concluded quite soon through the proper judicial channels it seems that there's there's no way of completely getting

getting rid of this troublesome prince from our news cycle. No. Well, the trouble is he's not, it would be dealt with, like if it was normal criminal proceedings, but because he was once a royal, then his punishment seems to be that every time a new thing comes out, his title just becomes a bit more common. And then within about two years, his official title will be,

and are you wanker? That's very much his honourable. official title. Yeah, he gets away with it, isn't he? He doesn't seem to show a great deal of remorse, does he? No. I think that's been congenitally bred out of out of the gene pool.

The remorse gene has long gone, I think. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fan of the guy. But I have to say with this story, I thought to myself that if I have been completely untrained my entire life for the job and then handed the job of training, of trade envoy for the UK.

I, too, would struggle to know where the line is between what I can and can't say to people with money who are going to do trades. Because imagine what his life is. He was walking around doing nothing. They went, this guy needs employment. They give him trade envoy. Now he's walking around with the same people.

Every time he walks into an event, it's just everyone that he went to school with. And some of them are politicians and some of them are not in politics, but some of them are lobbyists. I'd also get very confused as to who I can say what to and when. You're quite right. He's been found out to be useless as a member of the royal family.

So they have to give him another job, but he can't do anything. So because he's been a member of the royal family. So it's a bit like if King Charles was suddenly told you can't be king anymore, but we have got you a job in quick fit. Can you just fix this bloke's clutch? His clutch has gone. and he'd be there's a clutch no you've got to just

you must know how to do that your mechanic and then my guess would be there'd be a disappointed customer I guess he'd probably just try and stick a couple of horses on the front because that's

you know all he's ever known there's particular niss and maker who brought in his covered wall and I think he has to you have some stuff

this is going wrong. Gold plate it, stick a couple of horses on the front. Can't go wrong. I mean, is this the same story kind of as the Mandelson story where we cannot hold the guy to blest,

like Andrew, we knew who Andrew was by the time we made him trade envoy. Like, it was clear who he was. It was clear who Mandelson was. It was clear who his friends were. It was clear that the man couldn't be trusted.

Do we hold them to account for their own actions at this point or the people who gave them the job? That's absolutely it. No, that's absolutely it. It'd be like if 20 years ago they'd gone, we've appointed as trade envoy, Reggie Cray. And then he's like, oh, no, he's gone and bloody shot the minister for trade in Poland.

He's shot him. Well, who could possibly have known? I was manager, right, of the warehouse up at Morrison's like to appoint the security guard. And so this bear cutting, and I've given him the job, you know. And I asked the bear if he was all right being left alone with food overnight. And I thought, all right, that f*** her to me. You know what I mean? I put all the f***es here.

I'll come in the next morning. He's eating all the fissionages, the prawns, the f***ing lot, you know. I mean, how was I supposed to know that, you know? And then same thing. Turns out his previous job, he was asked, he was putting charge of the woods, keep it clean. He's gone and had a shit in them. They've just released 1,500 more pages of stuff relating to Peter Mandelton.

Some poor sod has to troll through that for the newspapers. I had my internal pity for that role. Some of the revelations were described by a government minister as embarrassing for the government, although not, as you suggested, quite as embarrassing as the fact that they appointed Peter Mandelton to a significant public position in the year 2024. And this is AD we're talking about, not being. before people could have, you know, might not have known. AD, AD.

There's a brilliant one that I've been trying to find it again, because I've found it and then I've lost it. I saw the initial quote, one part of it, in which Mandelson, it says something like, I feel that Kear isn't leading from the front, and Ed is absolutely no use. And I did speak to Angela, but she isn't going to be able to.

to correct this and the problem with Wes is that he won't listen and Andy is just going to cause more trouble and it's like it's like a sort of seven year old literally like a seven year old

coming home and going it's not fair right because like I was at school right and then I got in trouble and it wasn't me what was talking because it was Angela and she's got talking but she's a woman then she gets away with it and then Andy coming on and he's not even meant to be in the class and he wants to be in the class

and Wes and he's like, and I asked him and he never done it and it's not for, it's just you you're, you f*** useless, horrible human being. And Tony Blair, who's now making his big

intervention about to save the Labour Party, is the bloke who gave us this prick and told us that his job wasn't done until the Labour Party learnt to love this f*** psychopath. Right, that's, well, that job still isn't done by the sounds of it. And finally, this week on the bugle, football news now, and, well, it wasn't just Crystal Palace that won a European trophy last week.

Katari Giants Paris Saint-German beat America's Arsenal FC. I like to judge football clubs by their ownership, not that geographical location. Doing the European Champions League, the renowned football competition that isn't really a league. and for which you don't have to be champions to qualify. I'm miss living in a world where words meant something. Anyway, I'll be honest, I didn't watch the game. I was watching the tennis, which has been sensational. But after a 1-1 draw and a penalty shootout,

there was a victory for Paris Saint-Germain, and celebrations in Paris that resulted in 780 arrests, 280 people being injured, including 60 police officers, looting, people throwing chairs around, cars being set on fire. I mean, that's quite a weird form of celebration. I would say. Look, I mean, whether you can call it a full riot or not,

I mean, also French history suggests that big riots in Paris generally do calm down within decades. So, not much to worry about. But, I mean, Mark, it sounds like the celebrations at the Palace final were rather good-natured by comparison. There were a few scuffles before the game, but that's, you know, it's football. That's what the sport is all about.

as a vehicle for the repressed fury of society. But, I mean, that seemed celebrating, winning by having 780 people arrested, it seems that maybe that celebration went a little too far. What do you think? Yeah, well, as you say, it's France, isn't it? I mean, it's, if you're, if you're become a citizen in France, then part of the citizenship is that you are, you're shown, I know because I've seen this, you've shown a sort of film in which you're,

you're told that you're now, you're now at liberty. to take part in protests and demonstrations and that's sort of as part of the thing of being French and that's what that's what they've gone and done and everyone lives in a village and they're told it only goes out of the village once every two years to the town when there is a new development

new law is passed and so he burns down the town hall in protest against the new potato regulations and that's what you do so they win a Paris and Germain win. They're not very, they're not entirely popular within Paris, I think Paris and Germain, because they're such a symbol of opulence and stuff.

But, yeah, I'm sort of, yeah, I don't know. Are you glad they won, really, from a sporting point of view? They're a weird, I've almost completely lost interest in football. But they're a beautiful team, but with a fairly kind of, they also exemplify everything that's bad about the sort of, and financing of football. So it's, yeah,

I don't, I don't really feel much. When they had all the top stars, they couldn't win because all the top stars were just playing for themselves. You know, I don't watch football,

don't follow it, don't like it, think it's just a substitution for war evidenced by what their fans do afterwards. However, I did watch the penalty shootout and I think football

needs to have two different categories of win. I wouldn't call that a win. I wouldn't say, I don't think, think PSG should be able to say, we won that game. I think that Arsenal should say, shit, we lost that game because they didn't win. They just, they just kept shooting goals until somebody missed. That's not a win. That is not honorable. That's probably why they, you know,

went running through the streets. They just went, ah, they had cake and we didn't want them to have cake or whatever it is that the French do when they, you know, I, genuinely, because, you know, that, that stupid little, that stupid little stutter that the guy did that made him miss that last No, no, that's the other rule. I think you should bring it. Only Ronaldo and Fernandez can stutter and score. So stop trying to do it. You can't, just accept you can't do it.

I'm with you there. I'm with you there. I think that should be. So I think there are certain things that Kirstehm was clearly incapable of changing anything very much for the better. There's certain things he could do. And I think one of the things he could do is make that stuttering thing when you take illegal, no trial, straight to jail, 10 years.

Yeah, because it just works. Like, if I'm a poker player, that does, that, that's not good GTO. That is not good game theory optimization. The stutter does not work most of the time. So stop trying to do it. Like, what would be the equivalent in poker of the stuttering sort of as you're better end over the car? Playing a 7-2 off suit when someone else is clearly representing ACEs. You know what I mean?

Like, don't know what you mean. Because 7-2-off suit, statistically the worst hand that you can play. But if you win with it, it's the most glorious fake-out. You know, it's the most glorious bluff that you could do, especially if you win against aces, which is statistically in the starting round, the best hand that you can play. I'll very much take your words for that.

A 7-2-off suit. Is that the same as a 7-2 off-side field in cricket? Or am I getting in it? Anyway, look, it's... It's very similar in that if you're playing, either one, you don't know what you're doing. Okay. I don't know what you just said.

What you just said. You need duolingo to go and cricket. So, yeah, well, the World Cup starts in, well, just about a week or so's time, as I mentioned, earlier on. Like I said, I'm not as interested in football

as I used to be. And this particular World Cup, I'm really struggling to find any enthusiasm for. It feels to me, Mark, that basically this World Cup is going to be a combination of exhausted players, stifling heat,

tactical caution, rubbish format, joy sapping, officiating, aggressively overpriced everything, organised by a travesty of an organisation in a country headed by a complete charlatan. Is this the beautiful game anymore, Mark? Well, all of those things, plus one of history's great psychopaths

making sure that he's in the centre of all of it. And then are they actually going to do this like a half hour, half time for the final so that they can have one of their stupid shows like the Super Bowl? Like they're embarrassed that it's a game of football and they've got to get cold play to come

and do some shite in the middle of it. And then just as if there was any lingering, lingering hope in it for me that it would be worth watching. Adam Walton from Crystal Palace wasn't picked Thomas, too. So f*** the old thing. I'm going to be watching Badminton on Sky Sports 7.

I think that half hour show is going to really backfire on all of the cities that implement it. Because if we've learned anything from this week, it's what football fans can do with a city in half an hour. Look at parents. Like, if you give them half an hour, they will go out, they will ransack your town, and then they'll come back for the second half, but they're not going to stay. I guess in America also, if there is sort of football-related violence like we've seen this week, it would be quite hard to tell who are the football fans and who are the ICE agents. And it could be very, very complicated.

That's a game I would watch. Football fans versus ice. That I would totally show up for, all right? But we need to be very clear what we mean by a penalty shootout. at the end of that match because that could be deadly. What a deportation from the plucky little agent from Minneapolis. The format, 48 teams,

32 of which get through the group stays. It used to be simpler. There was in early World Cups. There was one team, England, and we simply knew we were the best, so there was no need for an actual tournament. And it's got more and more complicated progressively over the years. one thing FIFA have done belatedly

is announce a clampdown on goalkeepers pretending to be injured to allow their managers to sneak up an extra tactical briefing onto it. There will still be loads of other time wasting. Don't worry about. FIFA's not ready to completely abandon that noble part of the sports heritage.

But what do you make of this, Mark? Because, I mean, it's been one of the real areas of progress in football, the different ways people have found to waste time. Obviously, it could easily be solved, but just having a stopping clock like you do in ice hockey and other sensible sports, but football can't be seen to learn from any other sport.

So, I mean, where do you see the next frontier in time wasting coming after this? Well, I think there should be a simple rule that I think people like Ria who don't like football, I think would be encouraged to watch it if they just change one rule that whenever a player pretends to be injured and they're not injured, if a doctor says, no, they weren't actually. injured, the other team should be allowed to inflict the amount of pain they were pretending to the whole.

Oh, I think the doctor would just go, I think a spanner in the bollocks would be about a and now that would be even. Yeah, right. You're right. I would watch that. I would watch that. But if that meant that all football players matured overnight into adults that don't keep feigning injury and you know then it would again become a very boring game to watch you'd have to

come up with some other way to keep me entertained well the way they roll I think that they could because they sort of sometimes roll over they they've been tapped on the ankle it might not even be a fail they fall they fall over and some of them roll eight or nine times and I think there should be a special prize in this world cup for whoever rolls the most they roll actually out of the ground out into the streets of Baltimore or wherever they are two or three miles. He's still going. He's now out of the city,

the city environs, and he's gone on to a subway, he's gone onto a train, and he's rolling all the way. It's really, really disappointed. And I think Donald Trump has done a lot of bad things with Iran and ICE agents and generally sort of,

the total destruction of democracy and hope around the world. But the thing I ate in foremost is he's ruined this World Cup. Yeah, that will be his lasting, his lasting legacy. Thank you for listening. Buglers, Ria, anything to plug? Go on my Patreon. I'll put everything on there. I'll link to this on there as well, this episode.

But I also do my weekly paper jam, live stream, which is usually just a deep dive in one or two topics, on the news and you can come join that, join the chat and just basically hang out. We have a really good time. Mark, anything to plug? Oh, what am I doing? Oh, I'm in Edinburgh, you know, all the usual things. Obviously, I'll get something more interested today.

I'm, oh, I've formed a, I don't know, I'm doing a group on thing to go into space and live on the... I don't know, no. I'm doing Edinburgh and what is going on is my podcast. And Mark stills in town as ever is on BBC Sounds and you can go and listen to all 8,000. 421. We're only a couple behind you of towns. Probably soon I'll start going to towns, do a show

about them and then realise I've already did it 24 years ago. There you go, buglers. Consider yourselves plugged. We will be back next week with Chris Addison and Sarah Barron. Until then, well, you can listen to me on the test match special from Thursday, England, New Zealand,

and a real sport. And we'll be back with a bugle next week. Goodbye. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, as you may know. The bugle, as well as being the world's only ever, longest-running and arguably best audio newspaper for a visual world is one of the very few fully independent media empires remaining in this thus far very silly millennium.

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