The Bugle - Iran, Trump, and Kerala goes through a name change

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

On this week of The Bugle, Andy is joined by Ria Lina and Anuvab Pal as they unpack the turbulent week just gone, with attacks across the Middle East and the death of the Ayatollah, the supreme leader of Iran. The trio discuss Trump's next moves as well as it's clear to see he hasn't taken the Nobel Peace snub very well! And there's news from India that Kerala will now on go by a new name, but don't worry it's not too hard to remember. That's Bugle issue number 4370! 🇮🇷 Iran: Andy, Ria and Anuvab unpack the turbulent week, with attacks across the Middle East 🇺🇸 Trump: The trio discuss Trump's reaction and next moves, as he remains bitter over his Nobel Peace snub 🇮🇳 Kerala Name Change: Kerala, the most popular tourist spot in the country changes it's name Andy's Links: andyzaltzman.co.ukRia Lina's Links: https://www.instagram.com/rialina_/ Anuvab Pal's Links: https://anuvabpal.com/ 🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That's right. The gargle is back. The glossy magazine. Pull-out section to the Bugle's Audio Newspaper for Visual World is back and better than ever. Check out our first episode, which is already live with the fantastic Alison Spiddle and John Luke Roberts, as we bring you all of the latest from the world of science and technology. All of the news now with some of the politics. Watch us on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcast. A newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,300 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andy Zaltzman in the shed of immutable truth.

And, well, let's be honest. This is another one of those weeks in which if you happen to have a friend or relative who chose to be cry genetically frozen in the year 1999 due to fears about the millennium bug, I'll remember when that was the big worry facing humanity. Happier, simpler times. And asked me woken up on March 26,

but you misheard them. as saying in March 26 instead of on March 26. Anyway, they should have said 26th of March, if I meant 26th of March 2000. The point is, if you've got a deeply frozen relative, who you are just waking up now, 26 years into this millennium, good luck explaining the state of the world

to your still de-frosting buddy or family member. They might need at least two cups of tea. But that is what the bugle is for. In fact, that's why we were originally commissioned by Times Online. Andy, John, they said, we need something to play in case, and this is a purely hypothetical system. scenario, the boss man ever waits up from the freezer. There's obviously no truth in the

rumour that there's been a body double playing him since the millennium. So, anyway, that's what we're here for. We're here to help explain the world to A, you, B, ourselves, see anyone on the same train carriage as you whilst you play the bugle out loud on your phone speakers look ultra-cool? D, your pupils, in case you're one of those bugle-listening teachers who just waxed the show in the classroom when you want to properly educate your students and or can't be asked to tell them how stick in sense to reproduce or why the war of Spanish succession has started. X is actually a number, if you say it's a number, or where the swimming pool is in French,

or E, your aforementioned unfreezing friend. Where did this sentence begin? Oh, yeah, here to explain everything. I'm joined in this age of hyper and exaggeration by two of the wisest people in the history of the known universe, Ria Lina and Anuvab Powell. Hello, both of you. That is a lot of pressure that we're going to be here to explain everything. Yeah.

I feel a lot of pressure. Like, okay, all right. I mean, can I explain it the way Trump explains stuff, i, i just, make stuff up and decide it on a whim? That's sort of how the show works. In many ways, we set a very dangerous blueprint for the world through that. All right, then I'm in. I'm in. Anavab, how are you?

You know, I hate to report this. You guys are ensconced in warm, what appears to be sunny London. I'm in Mumbai in a war zone, and it's obviously clear what I mean by that. we're in the middle of a massive battle. I am of course referring to the India versus England semi-final match in the World T20 cricket, which is about to happen in my city tomorrow. And even though there is an actual war going on,

the Indian press is reporting this as the main war that is taking place, even though 14 people in the world play cricket. And three of them are on this podcast. I would, but I didn't get a visa. My visa wasn't granted to come. So sorry to miss it. Well, that is obviously a huge story,

and we will have exclusive coverage of the outcome of that conflict on next week's bugle. We are recording on the 3rd of March, 2026, which is zero years exactly. since the world was a complete f*** mess, which we'll talk about later. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, we are commemorating Team GB's three goals at the Winter Olympics

that finished recently. We were off last week, so we couldn't properly commemorate it this week. And we've just received the official list of what three national crises Britain is now entitled to completely ignore for each gold medal. That's what medals at Olympics do. Each gold enables you to totally offset a national failing stroke catastrophe. So for our British-based listeners, we can ignore the state of our national water system, the skyrocketing youth unemployment and the disastrous inheritance that has been passed down to our young people by older generations.

and ex-Prince Andrew. If only Dave, the rocket riding, could have sneaked in with a fourth gold in the men's slalom. We could have flatly ignored. Well, basically Britain getting dragged into a chaotic war, not of its choosing. So that section is in the bin. Give Kirstarmer some time.

He'll dig in that bin for, you know, who gets something out. He loves to throw stuff away and then dig it out of the bin again. Well, it's a national hobby, really. That's what all those ancient burial mounds were for from sort of Stonehenge times. But on a sort of longer term basis, little time capsule. They don't build hinges like they used to. It's certainly one of the many things. But this country's got worse at.

I mean, you know, they didn't particularly work that well. I mean, Stonehenge only works twice a year. the rest of the time it's inaccurate and drafting. It's just there for the benefits, isn't it? I've been saying this for years on the bugle. Please bring the druids back. Sometimes you need druids to run a country. To be honest, I think if you offered a referendum to the world

on whether the planet should be run by druids on a medium-term interim basis, let's say just the next 100 years, not that long in the grand scheme of things. I think we'd probably have a significant global majority in favour. You think it's been enough

time past since the last time we were run by men in hooded cloaks? You think we're good? Top story this week. Iran Look, look, it's a fluid situation. We are recording this on late Tuesday morning UK time

By the time you hear this, even by the time I finish this sentence, the situation may have changed in various significant ways. Suffice it to say, the planet I grew up in, and most of you no doubt, is having a bit of a tricky time at the moment. I've got to say at the moment, it was going okay until humans evolved, and since then it's been pretty up and down. Iran is now not just what Donald Trump did from the Vietnam War, but also the latest recipient of his fast action regime change. Let me just check online. you know it's still the latest Cuba, Greenland, New Zealand, Lichtenstein still all just about intact. They're on currently the latest, unless you're listening to this.

I don't know, next Monday. Who knows? Look, on the news quiz on Radio 4, the end of January, a very wise man said, President Trump has warned the Iranian government that he will launch military strikes against them the minute his approval rating in polls in America drops below minus 20%.

Now, I will slightly correct that prediction and replace the word minute with second. But here we are. I mean, what have you guys made of it? I mean, I don't want to label it as World War III just yet. I mean, many people have said we're already in World War III. It's certainly the world feels a little, well, fruitier than it was, even two weeks. ago. Fruitier?

Like hasn't showered? You can interpret the word fruitier in so many ways. Yeah. It's so true. I just want to say in order to stay up today, I don't have a joke on this, but they have literally just hit the U.S. embassy in Riyadh. Oh, right. Yeah.

So thank goodness we, the UK, have allowed the Americans to use our bases for defensive purposes because who saw that? coming. Who saw that there would be a retaliation? I think it was, you know, it shocked us all. I think before the original, the attacks were launched that killed Ayatollah Khamenei last week, Donald Trump did say no returns. So Iran is not really allowed to retaliate because the no returns words were spoken just before the attack was launched. So they are contravening law there. But I think the problem was is that some rather

unfortunate language was used and as you know when you call somebody a name then I am rubber you are glue whatever bad has said bounces off of me and sticks to you so I feel like the no returns thing was actually undermined

by that because I believe that the Ayatollah said that right before he was killed so it didn't validate that but the the US embassy in Riyadh issued a statement that they will not be processing any visas for the rest of the day. So that's a good measure. But I think there have been outbursts at various U.S. embassies because it seems like Iran's reaction is, let me throw

anything I have at any neighbor I have, which is a reasonable, I suppose, a response to warfare. What happened in Pakistan was quite interesting, because yesterday at Karachi, a bunch of protest showed up at the American embassy in Karachi, and they were fired at because suddenly a group of Marines showed up with machine guns. So I suppose one has to be careful because your visa officer may also have a machine gun now in a series of embassies. So it's good that the Americans have set of embassies that are fully equipped with tanks, machine guns, and visas, because they're not sure which way it may go, which may have a blueprint for a number of embassies around the world. I just have one quick thing to say on Iran.

You know, Chad GPT has not been helpful because when you have a 4,000-year-old civilization, as Iran has been all the way from Darius I of the great Persian Empire, from Persepolis, you know, the birth of civilization. Interestingly, most of India was under Iran for a very long time and for about six or seven hundred years, the court language in India was Persian because it was considered more sophisticated. So most Indians didn't understand they were being sentenced to death of being given a present because the Firmans were read in another language. So if you type in, tell me more about the attack on Iran.

Chad GPT says, which one do you want to know? Do you want to know about Alexander burning down Persepolis? Do you want to know about Xerces the first or do you want to know about the current one? I think a civilization shouldn't be this old and sophisticated. It's really unfair. Because how can you be a 2,000-year-old history of culture and poets and stuff and then have all these invasions and still make it through? Because it makes the – look, what are we trying to do in 2026?

We want a quick 10-point gist. I just want the gist of the history of Iran. You can't be such a long, complicated civilization with all this learning, all this architecture, calligraphy, rungs, poetry. Science. Exactly. Football teams and then expect me to sort of quickly learn about it before the Mughal podcast.

It's really not fair. Well, I mean, look, what a contest we've got now as a watching world. On the one side of the Islamic Republic of Iran, to give it its full name, now looking for an interim manager to try to see it through to the end of the season. On the other side, Benjamin Netanyahu's Israel,

to give it its full name, and the Democratic People's Republic of the USA. It's the Rogue State Classico. The world has been waiting for. The lead characters in the drama, Donald Trump, for any listeners who haven't heard of him, the 79-year-old Florida-based sex offender, 2021 anti-American insurrection supporter of the year, reigning world freestyle chaos mongering champion, author of the hit business self-welt book, How to Lose Money and Influence People, Nobel Prize loaning, strife addict, aka Mickey Misogynist, Korky the Constitution Cleaver, Agent Orange, as he's known in Moscow. He is to international relations.

what's the circus act Merkin, the uncontrollably vomiting alligator, is to children's parties in that a lot of clearing up is going to be needed when he's finished. The people have experienced it will never truly be able to put it out of their minds, and everyone will be baffled as to why he was booked for the gig in the first place.

So that's his background. Alongside him, Benny Nets, Benjamin Net and Yahoo, to give him his full name, the Bible-bending, revengeful corruption, court case, diversionist with serious lifelong allergies to consensus and humanitarianism. And on the other side, Ayatollah Khamene, brutal suppression superfan, terrorism hype man, undisputed, regular top tenor in both people you would least like to see turn up uninvited to do show and telly or kids school. And in the top ten people you would most like to see take a custard pie in the face from a professional clown, A, just to see how he reacted and B, just because.

Chaminet is a now former man who was until very recently a living and breathing alarm honking. human exemplar of the dangers of the unintended and unforeseen long-term consequences of short-termist interventions in other countries. Anyway, the episode one of this contest is entitled, Ask Not for Whom the Iyer Tollers, it tollers for thee. They've bumped off, one of the lead characters straight away, the top of episode one. Great for the viewing figures, but narrativeity is a bit of a vacuum. We're going to go with, I think they're going to do flashbacks.

Do you know what I mean? They're definitely just going to go with flashbacks. So even though it looks like, the character died, I think there's more work for the actor himself. In fact, I'm looking for, I think it's going to be a great episode when he does come to the show and tell at the school, because I think he's going to actually finally reveal whether or not they do have enriched uranium and whether or not they do actually have the nuclear program. And I think that's going to be a massive cliffhanger at the end of the season. And I'm quite excited by that because they did have it.

Then they, well, we know that they did because I don't know if anyone remembers this, but like, we gave them. Well, we, America gave them enriched uranium back in 1957. They just went, hey, do you want some of this? We're just going to make a great flashback when we remind everyone that you started this in the first place, America, by giving them some weapons grade enriched uranium. And then for the rest of the century going, oh, I don't think they should have nuclear weapons. Why do they have nuclear? Why are they developing nuclear weapons? And then, of course, then in 2025 back in June, of course, we obliterated all of their nuclear program. if you remember that in the last season and said no it's done it's gone they don't have any and then suddenly last month it's like oh but they do da da da da it's kind of like that scooby-do reveal at the end it was the janitor they had it all along so i'm so excited for that show and tell reveal it's actually why i'm still

watching this particular show i do think though that i'm a bit annoyed about all i'm a bit miffed by all of the shutting down of the embassies with the bombings because i feel like someone's trying to cheat at the World Cup. Do you know what I'm saying? Like if all of these embassies can't give out visas, there's going to be two teams left in the World Cup, and it's going to be America and Venezuela. And are they really even different teams at this point?

I can't, I don't know. I can't tell. Barney Rone, the fantastic sports writer and The Guardian, wrote a piece on the implications for the World Cup. He said the co-host of the FIFA World Cup has murdered the head of state of the third-ranked team in group G. And that puts everything in perspective, as Barney-Rone often does.

You know, the thing about flashbacks in this particular story is very helpful because I've spent many months thinking who was more menacing. The current Ayatollah Khomeini or the one I grew up with, Ayatollah Khomeini. So the Khomeini-Khamini thing has really, because that guy was leaner. So you think this is the bad guy.

And then they go to Flashback and you're like, the Game of Thrones, they should have a proper bad guy who was even worse, who took on Ronald Reagan, taller, more menacing, ate less. I think was born in India. So you got, you know, so that that, the Battle of the Ayatollahs is one that I think would be quite interesting in a flashback scenario.

I actually think that's going to be a Disney spin-off for an entire series, the battles of the Ayatollahs. As long as the flashbacks don't go as far back as 1953. When the British and the Americans decided that the democratically elected leader of Iran at the time was not being sufficiently helpful when it came to petroleum exports and set in train a sequence of events that, well, we can certainly still see the echoes of today. Well, just to be fair, to explain that for those listening that maybe missed the 1953 episode of the where you cover this.

To be fair, Iran had a democratically elected prime minister who had the audacity to nationalize Iran's oil for the benefit of the Iranian people. And as we know nowadays, that is not the role of a democratically elected national prime minister, as we can witness in the last five or six p.m. that we've had here in the UK, do something for the best of the British people. Crazy talk. So I just want to put that into perspective. On that subject, I've got, I received via a prominent online auction site a newspaper this week.

From August 19, 1953, evening standard, Shah's men seize power, radio reports Q Mossadegh flees. The Shah of Persia's supporters today overthrew Dr Mossadegh's government, the Royalist Control Tehran radio announced this afternoon. But the lead story on the front page of the evening standard, far more important, we've won. Ashes are ours after 20 years. Bigger story.

What a piece of history this is. An advert for Vera Swami's restaurant, the oldest continuously running curry house in London, which is currently under threat of Kruiswami. closure. It's in the news. The king is going to take the land. Can we just also spend one second?

I just have a question for you guys about the role of Paris. Everybody that wants to run Iran is based in Paris. The Ayatollah, when he came to run it, came in air France with a whole contingent. Now Reza Pallavi Jr., His Highness, I suppose I should get used to calling him his highness, is just giving speeches from basically an apartment in the left bank asking people to rise up. My question to you guys is, can you just sit in a flat in Paris and start anything? I think so.

I mean, we are also just hearing that the French singer and actress Vanessa Parody, who apparently lives in Paris, she has put herself forward as an interim leader of Iran. to bridge the gap. So, I mean, that's the thing with Paris. You know, I mean, you spend enough time, you just end up sitting eating lovely food, probably slightly too much, drinking a bit too much wine, and you think you can run anything. So, yeah, that does, it does sort of stack up, frankly.

There was a headline on the UN website that said, Nuclear Watchdog Urges Restraint. Two things on this. One, nuclear watchdog sounds like a really exciting, slightly terrifying kids cartoon series. Nuclear watchdog heard something rustling in the woods outside, Ruff, said nuclear watchdog, and the woods became uninhabitable for the next 250 years. And point two, nuclear watchdog urges restraint and not the words you ever want to hear.

You never hear calls for restraint unless no one is showing any restraint. It's like now is not the time for panic, which is only ever said when it is definitely an appropriate time to panic, even if panic is not necessarily the best option, it is certainly an understandable option. And point two B, urging A, the current Iranian regime and B, Trump and Netanyahu to show restraint, is as touchingly optimistic as urging a snowman in a sauna to stop melting.

Don't you feel like the nuclear watchdog is just some pathetic human with a hangover going, stop, everybody, stop. Just stop it. Orge this restraint. Like, where do they even? Where are they even based? Did we even know that there was a nuclear watchdog?

We talk all the time about nuclear rearmament and, you know, and, oh, we've lost a nuke in Greenland once upon a time. Like, why isn't the nuclear watchdog finding that missing nuke? Instead, where have they been hiding all this time? I suddenly crawl out now and go, can everybody calm down a little bit, please? This is getting a little bit scary. Like, where are they? Where have they been?

Who are they? Well, I think, I mean, I think they're, uh, This was an official UN story. So I think, yes, they've probably got a slightly more official title. I mean, there are a subset, I think, of the Atomic Energy Commission, which the UN funds. And then basically these guys are supposed to go around the world checking radiation levels. And they spoke to one of the guys this morning, and he said, I've been very close to a lot of radiation my whole life.

And there's nothing I see currently in Iran. that alarms me personally. So I suppose that's, he was trying to say he's not dead. That's what he was trying to say. But also he's so radioactive that when he goes to Iran, he probably is a higher reading than Iran itself

going, I'm not worried. We're like, well, we are. You've just contaminated Iran just by being there. I've just seen that it is. So I looked it up. So the EU nuclear watchdog is officially, like you said, the International Atomic Energy Agency, which is the IAEA,

which is screaming out for an old McDonald's parody, isn't it? It's also the noise you make when you tread on a really pointy nuclear weapon. I know that a lot of countries don't give them access. North Korea, for example, I think the Atomic Energy Commission were taken in fancy cars kept in hotels, and then they were not shown. The whole point of these guys is to be shown nuclear facilities so they can make checks and say that you don't have any nuclear. weapons. In North Korea, I think they got a meeting with Kimmel Jong and he said, I promise you,

I've got no weapons. And then that was the trip. Then they went back. Which is a good... If you can't even trust the despotic dictator of a secretive pseudo-communist country, who can you trust in this world? Maybe it's because I'm autistic. Maybe it's because I'm a woman. But the idea that somebody somewhere said, okay, we're going to let some people have. have nuclear weapons. We're going to let people have nuclear weapons. But you have to let the watchdog come in and double check what you got. Really? Like, do you not hear how stupid that is? As a mother, I'm going, oh yeah, I let all of my children play with blades and weapons as long as I get to inspect under their mattresses once a month. Like, what? It makes no sense to have a nuclear watchdog. Either we have weapons,

in which case, we're all as dumb as each other, or we don't. Well, I think it needs to be use it or lose it. I think we should just get the best way to get rid of all the nuclear weapons is just to fire them all and then start again from scratch. Are you listening, Putin? You heard it here first. When India did its first nuclear test, in 2001, Prime Minister Vajpa was our prime minister, and they did it as a deterrent because Pakistan had done one, which drives a lot of our defense policy.

And a lot of them didn't go off, but it didn't matter. A couple did, and they did it in the middle of the. this giant desert. And nobody cared because some stuff went off, some stuff didn't. But he could just announce that he's got weapons. And I think if the whole world did that,

went to some empty space and just blew stuff up and said, you know, we've got some really menacing things which we can't talk about. Here's an Instagram photo. I think the world would be a better place, you know, rather than actually dropping it on people. Oh, but the fish are fine.

I mean, can we please remember that some of the earlier nuclear tests were actually done in people's homes? Like Bikini Island? Does anyone remember Bikini Island? And nowadays, they're like, bikini, beautiful two-piece. Don't I look sexy? No, it was an island full of people that we destroyed for the sake of a nuclear test. I mean, there's a... I just despair. I just feel like there should be some basic tests to being in charge. Test number one, do you think violence is the answer?

words don't work. Yes, then you're not fit for purpose. You shouldn't be in charge of countries. I think, I mean, the simplest way to achieve that, Ria, and I've been thinking this increasingly, even possibly on the bugle, is to ban all men from ever being in charge of anything. And I think that simple, you know, that simple solution, I think would solve around about 99.94% of the world's problems. Can, yeah, and can I just say, as a woman who's been saying that in the board meeting for decades to have a man finally say it and be listened to, I feel so heard. Thank you so much.

Good. Well, I'm just saying we just need a couple of weeks off and then we'll come back refreshed. Can I just also say, it's been one reasonably good, I don't know what you think, whether it's a reasonably good outcome. But I just want to know what you guys think of this. All the influencers that were in Dubai have fled. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.

I mean, there are lots of Russian influences in Dubai. Lots of American British influences talking about, you know, just tanning and sparr things and skin treatments and weight loss. Yeah. And they've been trying. I bet because they're going to have to pay tax now wherever they go. That's terrible. There's always unexpected losers in any war, Rio.

I know. I know. Trump has taken that Nobel snub really, really badly. Very, very badly indeed. No judgment. I pretty much gave up on physics when the Nobel Committee did not give me the physics prize. But my research into whether dropping it like it's hot statistically results in a faster or cleaner drop than, for example, dropping it like it's urgent, dropping it like it's slippery, or dropping it like it's a tiger, not a tearder drop. than, for example, dropping it like it's urgent,

dropping it like it's slippery, or dropping it like it's a tiger, not a toy tiger in the shop on the way out of the zoo. Another point, regime change, and they all lived happily ever after. Those are two phrases that seldom get together on the dance floor and are even more seldom still together by the end of the song. Point three, improv, and I've said this before on the bugle,

I'm just about can accept improv in comedy, but I do not want it spreading to, for example, global politics or war. I've warned people about this shortly before Trump became president just after the bugle had relaunched back in late 2016. So, yeah, look, it simply has to stop. And also the old phrase, truth is the first casualty of war.

Not this time. Truth was bumped off by both sides years ago, and its body has never been found. Andy, just one very quick thing. You know, there many years, I've heard many, many things on podcasts. I've never heard Newtonian physics and Snoop Dogg in one sentence. First time in the history of the world. I mean, that's dropped the price. That's worth a Nobel in my book.

Andy, that if you're not nominated for any of them, peace, any of them. You know, I don't know, I'm going to join the atomic energy. Literature. Definitely at minimum literature. Yeah. Before we move on from this, as we mentioned, Ayatollah Khamenei has died. In a previous American operation that we reported on the bugle, Osama bin Laden was, in the words of wrestler John Cena, compromised to a permanent end.

after which John Oliver erstwhile Bughal co-host created the term fuck eulogy and few have been honoured with the or dishonoured with the fuck eulogy I think Colonel Gaddafi got one

but it feels appropriate for the departing Iranian boss Ayatollah Khamenei to have his fuck eulogy so here is the official bugle phyulogy for Khamenei Hamonet was born in 1939, just five weeks after the end of the famous 12-day drawn test match between South Africa and England in Durban. Ali Hosseini Hamonet, to give him his full name, Ali is also my mother's name, but there the similarities completely end.

Ali took his time to become a supreme leader. His near-contemporary Diana Ross was just five years younger, but became official leader of the Supremes, aged just 23 in 1966. when the band were rebranded with her as the undisputed frontwoman. And Michael Atherton became England cricket captain at 25, younger, more inexperienced than Cameret, but never launched brutally murderous attacks on his own teammates, enough said. It took Hamonay until his early 50s to get promoted to be a full-time professional Ayatollah and the Grand Frommage of the Islamic Republic, by which time Diana Ross had had a flourishing solo career as well and missed a penalty at the World Cup opening ceremony in 1994.

Read into that, whatever you want. Khamanei took over from his predecessor Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989, as Anifab mentioned earlier on, with Iran struggling financially after nearly a decade of war with Iraq. It was decided to pick someone with an almost identical name, so they didn't have to spend a load of money on new stationery, and could just turn the O into an A on the nameplate on the special Supreme Leader desk in Tehran. Critics, however, have highlighted Chaminet's disappointing tendency to assassinate opponents, as well as a regrettable lack of unwillingness not to kill protesters,

a support for proxy terrorist groups that frankly bordered on the embarrassingly over-keen, and an unfortunately unabashed enthusiasm for his long-term hobby of suppressing media dissent, all of which made Ali a bit of a tricky sell to the outside world, and he remained much less popular around the world than, for example, Taylor Swift, Usain Bolt, or Brunch. Personally, I was not a fan. I never have been. As an atheist, I've always found hard-lined theocrats a bit hard to warm. to, and as a fan of human rights and freedom of expression, I generally don't go for state-sponsored murder. As a Jew, however lapsed I may be, he certainly wasn't someone I would have invited

around for dinner of a Friday evening with my late and very observant grandmother, because she really did not like awkward conversations. So I would not say that I'm exactly glad that he's dead because wishing death on people or celebrating people dying is not the vibe I'm going for right now, and I would rather he'd handed himself into the international criminal court and said, Guys, I'm worried I might have done some really bad things since I became Supreme Meder in 1989. Could you possibly investigate them objectively for me, then put me on trial so we can really get to the bottom of this.

And without wishing to prejudice the case, give me my just dessert. Realistically, that was a bit of a long shot. Or I'd prefer that he'd been picked up in the beak of an eagle and flown off into the mountains to work as a nest repairer for the rest of his days. It's slightly less of a long shot. So whilst not being glad that he's dead, I'm also not sad that he's dead either. And emphatically, I definitely do not want him resurrected. because that would cause serious

difficulties. Politically, certainly, diplomatically, undoubtedly, theological, massive, massive difficulties if this was the resurrection. Anyway, suffice it to say that Chaminé died as he lived,

making the world an angrier, more violent and more scared place. In summary, fuck you. And he did leave the word supreme leader, which we can use in many, many things. I mean, for example, you are the supreme leader.

of the bugle podcast, which, you know, I mean, but then again, it's all language. If you called yourself the Ayatollah of the bugle podcast, that'd be concerning. Yeah, there's a few listeners, I think. Well, screw those woke assholes. Let them go. That's the new title of my spin-off podcast. Screw those woke assholes with Andy's ultimate. We will have full updates on Operation Epic Fury, which, I mean, that's a very Trumpian name.

Catch your a guest than Operation Fingers crossed, Here Goes Nothing, or Operation Nebulous Objective and At-Best Questionable Strategy, or Operation Domestic Smok Screen, or Operation America is now officially a hired goon for Israel and Saudi Arabia, or Operation Long-Term Strategy for a Free and Prosperous Iran, ironic winky face emoji. Other news going under the radar section now, and well, the world has been understandably distracted

by going on and around Iran. And, well, a number of stories are kind of slipping under the radar. We were off last week on the bugle, the State of the Union speech the Donald Trump gave. So we didn't cover. Now, it seems almost like ancient history that 108 minutes of ramblage, which was an all-time record for the State of the Union speech, 108 minutes. That's a long time. That gives you time to list all the reasons you prefer Jed Bartlett out of the West Wing as president, number one. He was actually fictional, and all the rest of subtext of that,

enough time to slightly underboiled 27 eggs consecutively, and enough time for VAR to adjudicate on up to seven marginal offside decisions and two questionable handballs in the Premier League football match. It was a trademark Trumpian verbal Molotov cocktail of outright lies, wild exaggerations, divisive provocation, out of context, demi-fax hogwashed to the point of meaninglessness. He did say, when God needs a nation to work his miracles, he knows exactly who to ask.

Well, A, I'd rather God did not outsource important stuff like miracles, and B, he clearly hasn't asked. So I don't know quite why you can draw that conclusion. Anyway, scientists have calculated that if Trump had been hooked up to a lie detector machine that gave him an electric shock for every forfeited in the State of the Union speech, he would have ended up looking, and I quote, like a forgotten sausage on an abandoned barbecue in Pompeii the day after Vesuvius got its boom on.

So that's slightly sit down under the radar. As has his suggestion that the USA might perform a friendly takeover of Cuba. This, Ria, friendly takeover, the millennium has chundered up some impressive euphemisms, but that's a good one, isn't it? Friendly takeover. I feel like he workshops some of this language with Greenland, just to learn what did and didn't work. And now he's kind of rolling it out.

Like, you know, so we're seeing the update of it now with Cuba, where he's suggesting a friendly takeover. I find it strange that isn't just doing it like he did with Venezuela. Why don't you, it's right there. Like, it's right there. But I think it's literally right there. You know, and I feel like Puerto Rico would welcome it because they'd just be like, yeah, come into the hell

that is being a territory of the U.S., but not ever fully being recognized or respected for who we are, what we are, or our culture. Because, of course, you can't make Puerto Rico the 51st state because, A, that's a different movie.

And B, then suddenly there is a legitimate reason for the Super Bowl halftime show to be in Spanish. And we can't have that. We can't have that. So it's a strange one, isn't it? So he's like,

let's do a friendly takeover, which he could totally do anyway. I think honestly what's stopping the whole thing from happening, what's stopping Trump from just literally kind of subsuming Cuba into the metaphorical adipose tissue that is the U.S. as it spills over its borders having eaten far too many, you know, processed foods, is the fact that there's so many Hispanic-esque people in the U.S. that they don't want there, that they're currently trying to scoop up and send back to where they

came from. And of course, that's either Mexico or Cuba, according to ICE, because they can't tell the difference. And if we take it over, then where do we send them to? It's a tricky one. It's a real tricky balance, isn't it? In fact, he's got a thing for uninhabited islands, Shagos Islands. He gave a scolding to Prime Minister Stama saying there's a bad deal. He likes, maybe he wants to land planes. My Cuba thing is like... Not inhabited right now. Not inhabited at all. I think the Cuban thing,

he's got a lot of advisors. I want to know what you think of this, Rhea, a lot of his advisors smoke very expensive cigars. A lot of the people fund his campaigns smoke expensive cigars. And I think that the trade embargo with Cuba is really affecting

cigar smoking among rich, fat, old men who have a lot of money in the United States. And do you think the takeover could have something to do with proper cigar smoking? Yes, I do. I think that it is entirely to do with cigars and nothing else. I don't think it has to do with being butt hurt about communism.

I don't think it has to do with the fact that Cuba was kind of like having Russia slash Venezuela slash Iran right in our backyard in the Gulf of Mexico slash America or whatever he thinks it to be. I do think it is entirely to do with, excuse me, but we're not getting mouth. cancer as quickly as we used to be able to. And this is against our freedoms as Americans. We have the right to poison not just our entire bodies with the kind of shit that is fake boxed macaroni and cheese. But we also have the right to start that poison right in the mouth with cigars. And Cuba's getting in the way of that. So what we're going to do, because of course this logically

make sense is we're going to stop all oil from reaching Cuba, whose entire infrastructure pretty much runs on fossil fuels in order to teach them a lesson about producing enough cigars for us. So by interrupting that supply chain, I think, yeah, I think it's really working. I think it's solving everything. I do think limited knowledge of geography does affect things when you're going to bomb countries. I really didn't think that he realized when he was going to go to Venezuela, and capture the leader, that it would have a humanitarian crisis in Cuba. Just like I don't think he's really thought through that killing the Ayatollah would result in Kuwait and Muscat and Bahrain coming under attack.

I don't think he thinks the world is connected. I think maybe that has something to do with living in Florida. I don't know. In summary, what could go wrong with any of that? One piece of Indian news, Anuvab, huge upheaval in the state of Kerala. I mean, nothing will ever be the same again, really. It's to be officially renamed. And I don't know how people are going to get used to this.

Instead of being called Kerala, it's going to be called Keralam, with an M on the end, to reflect traditional local pronunciation. How much difference do you think this will make both to Kerala and to, indeed, India and the world in general? I mean, this is everything. This is pretty much everything. You know, it's called Kerala now. Prime Minister Modi has a big election year there. He has to do something.

The state GDP is doing very well. As most of you know in the UK, it's India's number one tourism site because everybody comes for yoga, for wellness retreats. It's beaten. the Taj Mahal. It's doing really, really well. And the Modi government is not in power there. There's a communist government in power. 100% literacy. They did really well during COVID. So now what can the Modi government come in and do that's better than that? And the only thing really is to make it a different state with a different name. You know, that's really. And once you make Kerala Kela Keler Lum, you know, everything changes, improve.

there's nothing the state is doing now with its high GDP and literacy rates and tourism that Keralam can't do. You know, that Keralam is real. And in fact, there are so many places I'd recommend this. For example, the city of London, you know, if we really think about it,

go back in history when it was Londonium. Yes. You know, was it better, you know? Yes, there was no penicillin. There were no official Victorian laws. There was no rational science. But we had underfloor heating Everybody had it. It was great.

Thank you. I'm not sure everybody had it, but definitely some people had it. Massages, you know, there were many, many, many things around, you know, Roman Barth's, you know, very different laws about, you know, property ownership and romance. So Londonium versus London, you know, just a few letters here. I recommend doing it to all our names. In fact, I'm thinking of becoming Anuvabam, which I think opens up a whole Roman and Latin market that I hadn't really gotten into with my comedy. And each of you think about this,

because I think the Indian government is on to something. Why invest in infrastructure, education, healthcare, when you can just do a simple name change? That's such a good idea. I'm thinking of renaming myself, Catherine Ryan. Yes. Yes. A lot of positives.

Well, that brings us towards the end of this week's bugle. We will maybe turn to UK politics next week. There was a huge upset in the Gorton and Denton by-election, the Green Party winning convincingly over Nigel Farage's Reform UK, which is sort of flatlining. stroke early stages of hopefully a terminal slump. That might be wildly optimistic. Labor seemed to be in a terminal slump and the Tories and the Liberal Democrats narrowly exceeded zero votes leading to furious recriminations across the political spectrum. My tour show,

the Zolt guys, a second quack, is in Lincoln on Thursday, if you hear this in time. Then following that, Chesterfield on Friday, Hull on Saturday, Salford-Laure. on Sunday at Brighton next Wednesday. Swansea Friday the 13th Warwick Art Centre on the 14th, Reading Concert Hall on the 15th. Further dates thereafter. Details at my website. Ria, do you have anything to plug? I also have two dates left on my Rebellion tour. This Friday I will be in Cardiff and then the week after I will be in Nottingham or maybe the week after that. But I've got Cardiff and Nottingham left. But every Sunday I do paper jam, which you can find on my Patreon. which is kind of like this, but it's live.

So you can chat with me as I go out there and we'll see what the news brings. Let's see where Iran is at by this Sunday, if it even still exists. Any plugs? I'll be announcing some shows in the UK in June. It'll be on my social media very soon. We will have full updates on whatever is left of this planet next week. Until then, if you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep our shows free, flourishing and independent, until whenever Armageddon comes, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.