The Bugle - Is Fidel Castro Roadrunner?

Episode Date: February 25, 2008

The 18th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver.This is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello and welcome to edition 18 of The Bugle, the world's only audio newspaper for the week beginning Monday the 25th of February 2008. With me and his ultimate still in a very cold New York city.

There's too much snow in this place, you know. I don't know what you people get off on here. Don't worry, this is the second and last time we'll be in a same room we can now go back to putting a huge ocean between us and the bugle could once more become like the love letters between Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, only with less declarations of love and more infantile summations of current affairs. For the bugle does turn 18 today meaning that it can now vote, but statistically it probably won't bother.

And all you Bugleists who are the secretless serious fancies about the Bugle, they are now Hick-Tiley Legal. As always some sections of your new newspaper go straight in the bin. This week a special obituary of the former British Olympic 400-meter hurdle bronze medalist Chris Acabousi, who it happily turns out, is very much alive and well. And also in the bin a special offer. slam your head against a brick wall 20 times and you will win a free, bugle-authorised headache. Top story this week, Castro.

Finale Castro has finally stepped down as supreme leader of Cuba after being in power for 49 years, which is pretty impressive especially when you remember that he did that without dirty hands by winning a single recognisable election. That is natural leadership talent and the anyone can win an election. It takes a special individual to wage a guerrilla campaign from a mountain and overthrow a government. And there's a lesson for the Democrats here. They seem to be having trouble deciding upon a candidate, so just get Barack and Hillary to each form an armed militia and I'm sure we'll have someone by the conventions. America claimed to hate dictatorships, but I say this, don't knock it till you've tried it.

So Castro hasn't even resigned after serving only the first 49 years of his scheduled 150 year term as King of Cuba, and the courts have been popping in Washington. The US general in charge of ensuring Fidel Castro doesn't get any younger announced excitedly, ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Well, technically, he got himself. Old age got him, really. The inevitable passage of time, but still something got him. How's technically, he got himself. Old age got him, really. The inevitable passage of time, but still something got him. How's my accent there, John? Well, I kind of blend it. I kind of, I mean, it's, it's better than it was a week ago, but it's still basically racist.

Well, that's just, Bush did say that one day the good lord will take Fidel Castro away. And that also seems to be his only plan regarding bin Laden at the moment. It seems that Bush is claiming God as an unofficial CIA assassin, bumping off every single enemy that America has ever had. But on the other hand, also killing millions and millions of Americans over the years, God it seems is also a terrorist. But there's... Inevitably, a lot of relief in the White House, John at the departure of a leader who stands

for so much that is opposed to American values, communism, good public health care and adequate social welfare provisions. So no one to hurt those belts of being elucent a little. What are you going back to Britain? How dare you speak all that in the land of the free? Over the years Castro, also known as Roadrunner by his friends, for his uncanny ability to avoid convoluted assassination attempts, certainly split opinion like a banana. He has overseen some truly appalling human rights abuses on the island of Cuba. For example, he has turned a blind eye to the internment without trial of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay. A fiddle Castro led a revolution and took control of Cuba by the time he was 32,

which is not bad going, but Andy, I'm still only 30, so that still leaves me two years to do that to match him. So look out, Cuba, I'm about to stage a one-man Bay of Pigs Invasion. You sadly are already two-old, Andy. I am two-old, John, and I simply don't have the beard growth either. Whereas you, I mean, you're clean-shaving today, but you could look like Castro by 5 p.m. All I'm saying is you've already failed to annex Cuba by the time you're 32, I've still got time. Right. Well, I just chose not to. I had plans in place from when I was 14. I just decided that people of Cuba, they're not ready for any of these old men. Cuba's parliament will meet on Sunday to elect a brand new leader, but a brand new leader who still has the surname Castro. President George W Bush said that US was ready to help

the people of Cuba realize the blessings of liberty, and the US have been attempting to help them realize that by trying to repeatedly assassinate their leader for the last half century. But now that Castro has stepped down to spend more time with imminent death, the question must be asked, where now, for Fidel Castro, it must be really tempting to enthron from to just knock on the door at CIA headquarters and Langley and say come on guys Have another crack promise I'll stand still Castro said actually that he would continue to fight like a soldier of ideas

That's very good because the pen is mighty than the sword, but the idea is mightier than the pen It's like scissors paper stone pen beats sword Idea beats pen, which I suppose means sword beats idea. It does. That sounds about right. Now he's going to continue writing his essays and also stated that I will be one more weapon in the arsenal that you can count on.

But he really means this Andy. He can be loaded into a cannon and pointed at my amy. He's a man of action as well as words. And what a way to go, that would be. I find the idea of Castro dying in a hospital bed a sad anti-climax through a dramatic life. But I find the idea of him dying was being fired through the air at Miami to be movingly appropriate. Castro himself survived 638 assassination attempts by the CIA, according to an ex bodyguard

of his, who of course might just be trying to talk himself into a better Christmas bonus. But it does mean that statistically with 638 assassination attempts, it is likely that at least one regular bugle listener has at some point attempted to kill fiddle Castro. Is it you? Have a think bugle listener's? Perhaps you're one of our American listeners

and one day you would drive in movie drinking a root beer and eating some grits. When you saw a guy kissing a girl in the car next to you and you thought, I've got to assassinate Fidel Castro. You jumped in a helicopter to have Anna fired yourself out of a cannon into Fidel's presidential bedroom and tried to hack him to pieces with a chainsaw. Think hard? Did it happen if so? Please let us know. Email us with your confession, thebugalatimesonline.co.uk.

Well, I guess he will also be remembered as the focus of some of the most slapstick-based assassination attempts in human history. Those the exploding cigar, the fungal-infected scuba diving suit. In fact, Castro once even said that if surviving assassination attempts for an Olympic event would win the gold medal. Now, perhaps one of his last acts as leader has been to provide the world with a great idea for an Olympic event. You could close the Olympics with that event, the 4x400 metre assassination avoidance relay. And I really think Beijing might go for that. It's basically an unofficial sport there anyway.

More news now and Kosovo has jumped on the change bandwagon and is hugging Ha ha ha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and cost of independence is go, go, go! And yet in doing this, it has become Europe's newest country. Or has it? Has it, I mean, has a new nation been born? Or has it been a phantom pregnancy? The US have supported this move for independence, but it would have been pretty hypocritical if they hadn't, after their own little tantrum in 1776. A tantrum which has been going on now for nearly 250 years and as soon as you've grown up America We will take you back you'll come round

And American football parlance Serbia has very much thrown a flag on the play Not at all happy you've changed you've changed unless you got it root beer grits and flags on the play I'm trying to play an engine. Oh keep getting teased for being British. I'll just love your accent, you sound ridiculous. Opponents of Cossabonian independence, such as the Serbian foreign minister, have suggested that it is a toolkit for separatists. In Cossabose case, that toolkit has involved a hammer, which Serbia has been whacking it repeatedly on the head with,

a wrench which Serbia has been crunching around its knackers, and some rusty nails, which Serbia has been jabbing in its eyes, plus a speaking spirit level foist by Johnny Cash. Up on the left a bit, mafruined, wall tiger, a notebook's gonna stay on that shelf. What has happened to you? What, what has this country done to you Andy? I've just jet lagged. You can't afford to come back here. It's jet lagged.

You're a shadow of the man who landed here or where you could go. We said, that is true though. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. If it is a toolkit for separatist, it really is a pretty bad toolkit, because, of course, I've always been a model for separatism. The key tools in your kit clearly are having ethnic, cleansing committed upon you to such an extent that NATO have to intervene, being placed under UN control while suffering almost constant persecution and having

e-communities completely torn apart, with someone to give you that toolkit for Christmas, you pretend you liked it while politely asking for the receipt. Protestants have attacked the US Embassy and a McDonald's. It does seem that McDonald's tends to get damaged a lot whenever anyone is angry with anything nowadays. It seems to have come to conveniently represent everything that people hate in life. If in doubt, smash up a McDonald's, no protest is now complete without it. In fact, the ironic tragedy is that the only way you could successfully protest the amount of McDonald's that are being smashed

up is to smash up a McDonald's and that just doesn't sound right. There are fears that Cotter Vos step into into the unknown could spark a wave of secessionist movements in countries that currently don't even know they exist. Other countries who might declare an independence on the back of Kosovo include Morbitz of Kosovo. The old Yugoslavia is essentially a hydra and as soon as a new country chops itself off the original Yugoslavia it just sprouts more new countries. If it keeps going at this rate by the year 2400, there will be more countries than people in what was the former Yugoslavia.

They won't but the point stands. Also potentially declaring independence Scotland, after 300 years of tirelessly running England, it seems Scotland now increasingly is ready to retire to practice bagpipes and wonder where its oil went. Australia, they may well be independent already, but no one can remember, and someone left the paperwork in a bar somewhere. And also potentially declaring independence, the New York Mets, boyed by the signing of staff pitcher Johann Santana, Mets owner Fred Willpon and manager Willie Randolph said in a press conference yesterday

that the Mets will declare independence from America at the end of spring training, and hope to be accepted by the UN by May 10th. If the New York Mets do succeed from the United States, they will be the first major league baseball team to become an independent nation since Kazakhstan in 1991, formally known as the Portland Herniers. I've never seen anyone lose their cultural identity as quickly as you, Andy. Your wife isn't going to recognise you I'll feel guilty about bringing you ugly. Now, Russia are concerned that much of you're at my splinter now and the trouble that this would cause.

Do we, Andy, in Europe have another massive war left in us? Do you mean we in Europe, John? You say we in Europe. We're European, Andy. I'd be proud of your heritage. You've forgotten where you come from. Oh, I haven't. I'm going back to where I came from. You've abandoned Europe when it needed you most.

Europe made it perfectly clear how much it needed me and that was not at all. That is true. But does Europe have another massive war in it? Andy, it feels like Europe has retired after the last century from colossal wars but maybe like an aging heavyweight boxer with a tax problem. It could stage one more brutal fight. Yeah, but those are the ones that really caused the lasting

damage. Extraordinary rendition flight news and the British Foreign Secretary David Miliband has admitted that two so-called extraordinary rendition flights landed on British soil in 2002. The two flights in question apparently landed on Diego Garcia, a British-owned Mexican who floats around the Pacific and earns some extra money as an Air Force base. He did say previously that US rendition flights had not landed on UK soil when what he should have said was that they had. So, to be fair to him, he was close.

I mean, he had all the correct words. If he just added one to many. And that's not terrible. I'm doing it myself now. We all make that mistake. This did take place on the British territory of Diego Garcia, prompting great scenes of protest from the British public saying, why haven't we been told about this territory before? We've never heard of it.

Did you mean protest, John? If you've written heard about this, we'll be dancing in the streets saying, yes, we've still gone on Empire. We've got a Garcia. We've not lost it. First you tell us the empires did. Now you're telling us he's back on again. I don't know how to feel. It's not finding out about a child I never knew I had.

But this is another chapter in the happy history of DA GO Garcia, Andy. back on again. I don't know how to feel. It's not finding out about a child I never knew I had. But this is another chapter in the happy history of Diego Garcia Rande. There was a force depopulation in the early 70s. Now usually when you apply that kind of terms as a British, it's a euphemism for complete slaughter. This time we were a lot more compassionate and we just drove 2,000 people from their homes. In fact, in a memo dating from this period, the colonial office head, Dennis Greenhill, later Lord Greenhill of Harrow, wrote to the British delegation, this, he said, the object of the exercise is to get some rocks which will remain ours.

There will be no indigenous population except seagulls who have not yet got a committee. Unfortunately, along with the seagulls, go some few tarzans and Man Fridays that are hopefully being wished on Mauritius. What a charming, charming man. But in March 1971, civil servant travelled from Mauritius to tell the native people that they were to leave, and the memorandum stated that, I told the inhabitants that we intended to close the island in July, a few of them asked whether they could receive some compensation for leaving their own country.

I kicked this into touch by saying that our intention was to cause us little disruption to their lives as possible. That's the problem, man. There's literally nothing more we could have done, John. Who is to say if Britain had been irresponsible enough to leave the people of Diego Garcia, on Diego Garcia, the Diego Lottie wouldn't have been completely destroyed by an earthquake. We saved those people, we saved those people by stealing their lives. Also, you look at all the lottery winners whose lives are ruined by sudden influxes of money, and I guess if we'd given them compensation, that could have happened to the Diego Garciaans.

Yeah. Also, it proves that just when you think a relationship with a deserted island couldn't get any more shameful, it proves you're wrong. We've added insult to insult to injury. And now an update on the gay aims. What do the guys really mean to do to the world? Well, apparently they want to bring earthquakes to the Middle East? This doesn't come from me. This comes from no lesser source than an Israeli MP who has pinned the blame for recent earthquakes

That have rumbled the Holy Land onto his Parliament's tolerance of Gays If there is a god Andy that would have been a great time to send down a lightning bolt Not to kill him maybe just a warning shot to let this idiot know that he needed to shut up. Israel in fact decriminalized homosexuality in 1988. That's right, yeah. 88, meaning that in 1987 homosexuality was illegal. Yeah, what a tolerant land. The amount responsible is a gentleman called Shlomo Benisri from the ultra-orthodox Jewish Shas party. You do know that when the word ultra is tagged onto the front of an adjective, the sparks are about to fly. He said that the quakes have been caused by governmental lawmaking that, quote, gave legitimacy to Sodomy. Five point one on the Richtska, one of these quakes measured, and there's a lot of Sodomy. The earth clearly did

move for those involved, and a porcelain area of Shiron probably fell off a mantle piece. Now liberal bugleys might think that drawing a causal link between gentlemen really enjoying each other's company, and the movement of tectonic plates in the Earth's crust, is the kind of thing that went out with burning witches. But if you ask any self-respecting geologically qualified homosexualogist, they could probably make up something that proves it's perfectly normal. Just a couple of weeks ago we were talking about the claim that one of the gay aims was to abolish marriage, and now it does seem that there is another gay aim more earthquakes.

And the gay's love earthquakes, and the... I'll tell you what, because it makes them want to dance. It's like high-energy disco music to them. That's a fact. The other news, and the underfire Archbishop of Canterbury has found himself subject to yet more criticism this week after a worseer complained about his behaviour at a funeral. Halfway through what had been an unremarkable Anglican farewell, the Archbishop pointed at the coffin and shouted, You're dead! He followed this up by dancing in his pulpit singing, You're dead and you know you are, then standing in front of the deceased's grieving relatives and chanting, Where's your grandad gone? Where's your grandad gone?

After a parentary arm-end, Dr Williams then flipped a v-sign at the congregation and held himself through a stained glass window before spending the rest of the afternoon in the pub spoiling for fights with Catholics. The dead man's son, Lapton Strayve commented, I paid big bucks to get the best priest available, and I thought that's what I'd get with the art spaceship of Canterbury. I did not expect this kind of behaviour from the head of the Anglican Church. I'm very disappointed. Dr Williams was last seen demolishing a bus stop in Canterbury city centre, shouting cock blaster at the top of his foot. Could you honestly say, Andy, that that was time well spent?

Yes, I can. You're a father. What kind of role model are you? You're a father. What kind of role model are you? MUSIC Entertainment news now, and Nazi singer makes come back. Oh, I think we have your full undivided attention. Yes, the 104-year-old Dutch singer, Hannah Hasters, who sang for the Nazis, has performed in his native Holland for the first time. In 45 years, apparently Adolf Hitler was a massive fan of Haistler's and once through his nick as atom, as he sang,

de-list to give it the... Haistler's had moved to Germany in 1935 and became extremely successful. That is a bad date to be moving there, ugly. Because as you walk into that country, you're walking past a long line of people leaving. And you should really be asking yourself why that might be. He is actually the oldest singer still performing in the world at the moment, which is a great achievement. But that's not the whole story of how he's going to be remembered.

He's the oldest singer who's performing in the world, who is also a nut. You know journalists, they love a hook. It's like when Justin Timberlake still gets asked questions about Britney Spears. It's just like that, only with Nazis. His Dutch agent has complained that Haistler's not the associations have made him a tough sell. I don't know if his publicist is having to be strict with journalists. Okay, Mr Haistler's will answer your questions about his upcoming tour, but please, no questions about his

relationships, that's a private matter, something likes to keep to himself. And, uh, oh, I know they forgot. No questions about that whole being a Nazi thing. In other entertainment news, the Oscar for the most realistic desk eating scene has been won by Vin Diesel for the opening scene of the man who eats desks. And after Hacker was jailed for online stalking of Lincoln, Parking, a Chester Bennington, Kevin Thornton, a former member of the 1990s R&B Legends Colony Bad, has offered his services to anyone who would like to send him abusive and threatening emails.

I don't mind, as Thornton said, I don't follow it up with action said Thornton. I just like having a full inbox. Ha-ha-ha. And now a quick bugle audio guide, how not to chop a carrot? Mind your fingers. That was part one of the How Not to Make Cold Slaw series. Africa section now. And Bush visited the continent of Africa last week.

Were there excruciating attempts at joining in with tribal dancing? Of course there were. He wouldn't let you down there. And you can't just stand and watch whilst they perform traditional dance as via benefit, that would be rude, far better to join in whilst laughing about how funny it is. That is Southern style manners. Bush defended himself over the US's inaction over Darfur by saying that he hadn't wanted to send troops into a Muslim country. And apparently the interviewer speaking to him simply stared at him after that response, unable to form words in his mouth,

dropped his pen to the floor as his hand could no longer grip things, and after a few minutes was whirled into an ambulance muttering incoherently. Because it certainly seems that didn't seem to bother Bush too much recently as he was chomping at the bit to carpet Bomberan. Bob Geldoff actually had previously said, you'll think I'm off my trolley, but Bush has the most positive approach to

Africa since Kennedy. And what's your instinct is, well Bob, you're not only obvious trolley, you fall and flying off it and smash your head into a tree. It's not actually true, because here's the strange thing. Bush has actually done a great deal of good in Africa. USA doubled during Bush's first term and is set to double again by 2010. This is this strange thing. Things have got so bad with this administration that it's hard to believe that this wasn't an accident somewhere. You feel there must have been an administrative blunder. It's just, it's very confusing. I can't get used to it. I'm quite unnerved by it. To be fair to Bush, he has been fascinated

by Africa ever since he heard about its existence in mid-2001. Emails now, and we had an email from Brett Sonnageyein, apologising for something, remember we asked you a few weeks ago, if you had anything you wanted to apologise for, and Brett says, I'd like to apologise to Spain for blaming her for the sinking of the USS Maine in 1898. I think we all know it was my younger brother Ted, but since our mother tends to overreact whenever anything goes wrong, I pointed the finger at the first decaying European colonial power I could think of. Spaniards. I know this led to a war, national trauma, loss of empire and indirectly a civil war, but you

don't know my mother. If I could give you back the Philippines or at least Guam, I would do so immediately, sincerely, Brett. Well, Brett, on behalf of Spain, Gracias, apology accepted. This email comes from Victoria in the picture escored county of Suffolk. In shit shit picture. It is not a great picture. Victoria writes, Hello, your description on the blog of Pakistan as politically jaunty led me to wonder which country you would describe as the most jaunty on the politics front.

For the least politically lively, a natural choice would be the Antarctic. Although I hear those penguins can get pretty hot under the beak. Following on from this, I thought perhaps the bugle ought to release a geopolitical top trumps. My suggestions for categories would be presidential IQ, number of bungs in brown envelopes, and silliness of dictatorial moustache. I will only remember that email for Hot Under the Beak, which is a phrase I plan to use

somehow this week. And I advise all bugleers to do the same. Introduce the phrase hot onto the beak, somehow. So do keep your emails coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. The best of those, not including the show, will of course be included in the bugle blog available on the website timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle, which is an ever-expanding award-winning web page which we're hoping in future to include photos

of bugle listeners holding up the print edition of the bugle still downloadable on the bugle website. In front of the least interesting places they've ever been, or perhaps next to someone they can pretend is a minus celebrity. So do send those photos in for bugle at timesonline.co.uk. There's no need to sound it barast Andy, when you tell people to download it. It's not, you're not really, you're not getting any money for it.

It shouldn't be ashamed. That is for it. You're giving that away. And now it's time for the Hotties from History Updates, the global phenomenon that threatens to redefine our relationship with the past. Christmas and Toss from the wonderful city of Detroit and Michigan. Right, I believe one sensational hotty seems to be neglected. The Snow White Bull which Poseidon gave to King Minos to sacrifice. Must go down as one of history's greatest hotties. Not only did this magnificent bull convince King Minos not to sacrifice it with its tour-rind

wiles, but it also seduced Minos' wife pacify and made her dress up as a cow in order to suit its glorious animal's sexual desires. Wow, that is outstanding. This impressive act of seduction also created one of Geryse's best creatures, the Minotaur, to deny this baller-hotty from history nomination. Surely in this enlightened time, we can realise the hotness of all species. They said, you couldn't take hoties from history to the next level, but that's just gone up three levels.

And this comes from Ken Roberts in Houston, Texas. Let's assume for one glorious minute that that is Kenny Roberts, the motorcycle champion. Dear Sirs, history's hottest Hottie of the Mall is Carlos II of Spain. No, no, El Heck is at O, they were bewitched due to his myriad physical and mental curiosities, he is descended from fellow Hottie Joana the Mad, a total of 14 times, twice as great, great, great grandson. Wasn't it great being a royal in the Middle Ages? See, uncannily different from now. Suffering from a ginormous tongue and extreme underbite, also known as the Habsburg jaw, he was unable to chew his own food and was a frequent drooler.

Mmm, sexy. Bald, deaf and lame. Near the end of his tragically short life, he took the sleeping with the exume body of St. Francis of Assisi in the hope that it might cure him. Oh, unless the 500-year-old saint proved to be just as impotent as Carlos. Oh, without a near Carlos's death in. End of the Spanish Habsburg line. We might have gone up three levels, but I feel we may have just descended five. Do keep your hottest from history nominations coming in. We're approaching the end of February.

So next week we will be announcing Mr and Miss February from history. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. You've got to go home. Sport now and this week's Sport section has been cancelled due to snow only time for a quick result. Political campaigning talk to Action Nill talk will play lies in the final. And now it's time for the most important section of the bugle. It's the audio cryptic crossword, beloved of men, women and children. You've still touched the globe about this. Sorry, John.

This week's clue is 15 down and it's a clue that shows how Britain and America culturally really can learn to live in harmony if they only make more effort. I'm going to check my emails. It's nine letters long and the clue is this. In favour of a five-day international cricket match, initially Otis Redding is the guy waving a black card. The world's a better place without that clue in it. I'm just saying cricket and soul music can go hand in hand.

music can go hand in hand. Bugle Forecast and two forecasts this week. One, will the snow stop in time for Andy's plane to take off tomorrow? Look out the window Andy, what do you say? I'm saying that, you know, I'm like, I have to take out citizenship. Hell yeah! Testifier! And also an update on last week's forecast, how many bagels Andy would eat. Andy's not really been that many bagels, has it? It's been a few bagels, John. But what it has been is a medically unadvisable amount of hamburgers. It has been that, John. What's that?

1.7 hamburgers a day, Andy. I feel like I took a culinary step deep into the heartlands of America by having at La Guadilla Airport a pretzel dog Which for those who don't know it is a bit of something that might have been a pretzel surrounding a hot dog We also took a bulk of our first visit to a dairy queen Just what the queen would have wanted from a fast food restaurant. Everything in a dairy queen, all the ice creams in fact come from milk from the royal herd of cattle

which live out the back of Buckingham Palace in London. I thought you were going to say came from the queen herself. Well, since he went through the change, that's no longer impossible. Stop it. We'll be back next week. We'll be. I think it's probably better for everyone if John and I are in separate rooms again. So do keep your emails coming in the google at timesonline.co.uk, photos of you with the print edition of the bugle and anything else you want to tell us about. The bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Bye!

Have a pleasant week. It's very kind of you, John. I didn't mean you. you