The Bugle - It's Seriously F**king Hot

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

It's the last episode of The Bugle before the summer hiatus and it is getting hot in here as the world melts in searing heat. Will there be a world left by the time we plan to return?Away from climate collapse, the EU are dishing out hazardous chemicals, India are escaping the planet by sending a rocket to the moon, and Novak Djokovic is still bouncing his tennis ball.Listen to the latest Bugle Ashes Zaltzcast and buy our new book: https://thebuglepodcast.comThe Bugle was presented and written by...Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarChris AddisonAnd produced by...Chris Skinner and Ped Hunter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,271 of the bugle officially one of the universe's top billion topical comedicos of theoretistic audio newspapers for one of its billion most

visual worlds. I am Andy Zoltzmann, the gatekeeper of all truth. Just stepping in as a temporary locom for the next two seconds. Oh, I did not enjoy that level of responsibility. That is not my thing. I'm coming to you not live and in the zero dimension from the shed, we're in lies, the true secret to life. Sorry, we're in lies, a lot of old books about cricket, potato, potato. And joining me today for this last full-bule, before hiatus We have two of the leading eight billion swimwear models on the planet today Chris Addison and Nish Kumar have both looking a must say

resplendent Andy I've oiled myself up for every single bugle and this is the first time it's coming use And yeah, and sorry as a bit later the zoom call. I've just been bidding for the Commonwealth Games. Alright, okay, yeah. We're pretty well set up here. We've got a pawn for the swimming events. So, so long as the Games rules allow athletes to compete alongside goal fish and carp, we've got an athlete's village by which I mean to fold out so for, but so long as there aren't more than two athletes who need to sleep at any one time, should be fine. And we're very happy to not mention the Empire too much.

So worth a call. That is key. I mean, this is a fresh breaking story today, the Australian Australian straight of Victoria, pulled out of hosting the 2026 common won games. I mean, quite absolutely and without any apologies. The press release was headed, f*** that mate.

Yes. Well, I mean, the reason officially given was that they've realised the whole event is a bit of f***ing weird when you think about it, Franklin. Just a load of mostly former British Imperial colony is being thrashed at sport by the UK, Australia, due to their vastly superior funding and resources, whilst everyone tries not to think about what it truly

signifies. They made some gaff up about it being too expensive, but we all know, we all know Victoria. Oh, sorry guys, I'm just getting used that Saudi Arabia has actually got the Commonwealth. Oh, and the Commonwealth. Saudi Arabia has bought the Commonwealth Games and the entire Commonwealth. That's a real turn out for the books. Well, it's the way of all flesh and by flesh I've been sport. Sport is flesh, Andrew. How are your summers going? How would you rate this summer so far on a personal or global level? I think on a global level, it's going quite badly, isn't it?

Right. It's a bit too summary if anything. Yeah. They've really turned the dials up on the whole summer aspect of summer, and it's not gone that well. Call someone's dad, the globe's thermostat is broke. Yeah. And we will touch on that later in the show.

We are recording on the 18th of July 2023. On this day, in the year 1290, King Edd the First of England issued the Edict of Expulsion banishing all Jews from England. The six-foot, two-inch monarch needed to fob off his barons after whacking up their taxes. And what more sugary deal, sweetener could there have been for a bunch of 13th century anti-semit's Then chucking all the not that many Jews out of the country. Well

That went well, didn't it Teddy long legs. I'm right here. I'm riding your House. Sorry, I'm in my shed, which is on what used to be your land Shall arm your tall dead Laura forming Scotland invading admin obsessed war mongering weiner. And the fact that I am here despite King Edward I's efforts on this day in 1290 shows what a great nation this is because whatever mistakes we may make in this country we're never too proud to front up admit we've done something wrong and put it right just a few hundred years later because that idiot has overturned in what seemed like a blink of an eye but was in fact 367 years. In 1657 by Oliver Cromwell, aka on social meter at the time, not your King Oli Crom. And also, we're never in this country, we're

never too stubborn to apologise for mistakes we've made. And in this case, the apology came just 732 years later, as the Archbishop of Canterbury, last year, issued an apology for the laws passed at the 1222 Synod of Oxford that restricted the rights of Jews in England and paved the way for the 1290 expulsion. So, I think it just shows this country in a great light how we've moved on from that. It does just remind you that blaming a minority for a country's financial woes is its English, its crumpets and large-scale sexual repression. Yes, and in fact, I think Edward I didn't have a plan to put all the Jews on a boat to Rwanda but I have just dispersed around Europe. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Well two sections this week,

we have what the bugle is going on some of vacation a little early due to the overwhelming deluge of cricket. A due tune into the Bugle Ash's Zoltz cast. That was your wrestling name, wasn't it, Zoltz? Overwhelmed, deluge of cricket. Well, that's also my secret service code name. So to see you through the next, achingly bugle three weeks, here is the Bugle Guide to Summer and or Winter, deleted according to preferred hemisphere, and whether you're listening to this now or in the future.

Or in the past, because you never know with time travel these days. And indeed, time travel is where we start because, well, some new summer holiday options have opened up with a new tech startup, HistoRelax, set up by Elon Musk's long-term rival, Peel Our Snork, offering package breaks back in time. Now, the options are currently a little limited

as the company gets off the ground and works on improving its technology. The options currently include going back in time to one of three weeks ago, one million years BC and last Thursday. Customers complain that the one million BC option just involved putting them in a special 3D cinema room and playing the Rack L Welsh film, one million years BC, whilst the last Thursday option was, quote, little more than showing a repeater some golf tournament or other.

But anyway, it's something, isn't it? It's getting what is the future of travel started. day option was, quote, little more than showing a repeat of some golf tournament or other. But anyway, something isn't it? It's getting what is the future of travel started. Also in the Bugle Summer Holiday section, we review all the latest beachwear for you to take on your summer holiday to be right up with the latest beach fashions, including the Pinstripe business suit, just as slacker shakers taken over corporate offices around the world. The Pinstripe business suit is now the hip new look for people who like to look like they're at work

where in fact they're on the beach. Also we review the Sporkel, parts snorkel, part multi-use cutlery, enabling you to admire the wonders of the sea beneath you before putting your head above water to spread a sandwich, cut a peach into slices, and eat a fruity mousse while you fend off aquatic predators with your free hand. And also we review flilts, part flipper, part stilt, swim faster in water, look taller on the beach, what more could you possibly want from your summer footwear? And we look at the joys of camping. There is one

joiv camping, it makes you appreciate actual buildings. That section in the bin, along with our summer football transfer speculation section and with more and more players and managers spurning the traditional European power leagues in favour of an easy life where no one really gives Along with our summer football transfer speculation section, and with more and more players and managers spurning the traditional European power leagues in favor of an easy life where no one really gives a shit and you get paid even more money than the almost infinite wages you're already on, stroke, you heroically help develop new marketplaces

and pioneering it, expand the horizons of your sport. We look at the latest exciting summer transfer rumors, and well, we touched on the Saudi influence in sport already. News just reaching us that the promising Portuguese attacking midfield as wow, Francesina has just turned down a move to Italian club Juventus in favor of a £150 million transfer to Saudi oil giant Aramco. Exactly what role the former Benfica number 10 will play for the $7.8 trillion energy behemoth remains unclear. Rumors suggest he might be deployed in a free

role just milling around the entrance lobby at the corporate headquarters in Dharan. Well possibly floating behind the CEO, Armin H. Nasser and Chairman Yasuh al-Rumayan in a false CFO position. In other transfer news, Saudi big hitters Al-Itahad have added to their trophy cabinet by buying the 1970-71 La Liga title from cash-strapped Spanish club Valencia. Thus the Jada based team becomes just the 10th team to win the Spanish League. Rumors are that the Saudi champions could also be in for Everton's 1984, 85 English League in European Cup winners cup double with the cash-strapped Merzy side as seeking funds to build their new stadium. Former Premier League referee Norbert Skrivenshaw has been signed up by the Saudi government to become a high court judge. That's on a £1.2 million per case basis with extras for any convictions

resulting in a public execution. And the former Bayern Munchows and midfield sensation Roth Botnitz has signed to be the personal sex skimp for the Serbian novelty picnic blanket millionaire Dragon's Splatkiewicz. That's on a £120 a week five-year deal, plus some extremely dubious performance-related bonuses. That football transfer section in the bin. I know nothing about football, Andy, although I hear it's terribly popular. But it always seems to me that if you want a demonstration of the all-conquering nature of capitalism, it's the fact that men who are multimillionaires, many times over can still be bought and sold like indentured servants And so halfway around the world to start a new life every couple of years

Given the working class backgrounds of most of those players the whole thing is like a massive From the class system made your way out did you made your way out with talent dedication hard work? Yeah, well, we're still gonna check your teeth Feel your calves and pack you off to Spain, you oik, you work for us. It's an inspiration to us all. I'm just marveling at it faced with a summer off, Andy is splurging bullshit all over the show. It's kind of then he lets it out when he's in Greece

or wherever. It's like a teenage boy before an internet blackout. He is just Wanking his BS all over area holes family show mission Yeah, but like a really weird family Top story this week it's hot, but not just hot Top story this week, it's hot, but not just hot, it's fucking hot. And it's not just fucking hot, it's seriously fucking hot, it's not just seriously fucking hot, it's seriously so fucking hot, and also so fucking hot, yet again that it starts to make you think that maybe, just maybe, those climate scientists weren't all making it up all along

to get an extra couple of thousand dollars on their research funding. The Mercury has slammed dunked itself into the 50 degrees Celsius basketball hoop in the USA and China, so much for the new cold war between these two rivals. Lethal heat has been scurging numerous parts of Europe, fires are raging all over the place, and weather maps, and now so many different shades of red that they look like a daily telegraph columnist face

when writing about pronouns. Oh, Reuters had an air quality map of North America on its website. They look like a rhinoceros had sneezed violently while halfway through eating a bacon sandwich. And there are now millions of people living in heat wave zones around the world who've been declared officially medium rare. In parts of the Mediterranean, you can now boil an egg just by putting it in a pan

of boiling water for five minutes, which you could do anyway, but anyway, illustrates the situation. And as the song goes, it's getting hot in here, so take off all your last vestiges of resistance to genuine global commitment to making a genuine global commitment to get people to commit to some more commitments. It's, while I mean it's, I love a stat, but but stats on quite how f***ing hot the world is. Not my favourite ones. Have you both enjoying the latest signal of our planetary impending doom?

I mean, listen, it's not ideal. It's also incredibly hot in Europe. The Vatican 15,000 people bought parasols and fans along to hear Pope Francis leave prayer. Now listen, we've all done stand up. That's a tough gig. It's a tough, it's a tough tough gig to do open air work anyway, very difficult to get any crowd work going, very, very hard, but when people are boiling to death, it's even harder. And one of the priests, Francois and Bemba, said that people were sweating like hell.

Now that is a priest saying conditions are hell adjacent. And that means that there are Catholic priests who woke up that morning and thought, oh god, we're in hell. And given that there were Catholic priests, at least a couple of them thought, yeah, this checks out. I've done some stuff. I think it was a huge, huge week, Andy, for players of climate change denial, the biggest and most successful global warming game franchise, even bigger than coal minecraft and lemmings,

as somewhat unexpectedly, but much more expectedly, we invented a boss level. They thought the levels were hard so far. It was tricky to keep denying in the face of the Antarctic ice retreating, but they said it was all part of us long-term weather cycle, and besides the fault most allies with greedy sea lions who secretly snack on the ice at night time. There was that even trickier hole in the ozone layer level. Do you remember the hole in the ozone layer? Oh, those are the days. It was like the John the Baptist to this shit shows Jesus.

That was the level where everyone nearly got skin cancer, but the climate changed in oil players, beat it by saying that the entire thing was made up and the scientists were all in the pocket of big hat. They either managed to deny their way through that level where they found a bewildered-looking polar bear floating on an ice cube down the Thames by suggesting it was an excellent sign that post-COVID London is a popular destination for tourists from all over the world again. So far they've

been able to deny the effects of global warming, but it's much harder to deny global warming itself when the globe is actually and demonstrably warmer. It's interesting to see how they beat the boss level. My guess is cheek codes. So I guess the question as you hinted that, Nishis, are we already burning in the fires of hell? And if so, the question has to be asked, is this due to a, countries legalising same-sex marriage, or B, two centuries of breakneck industrial progress and burning stuff allowed to a destructive strain of economic short-termism and self-interest? I guess history will have to be the judge.

Why do you think it will be both Andy? Yeah, I guess it will be both. This is very black and white, you look very close. I guess until Gladden himself clarifies the situation, we might not know for sure. You know, I think as you look at temperatures in Italy reaching 48 degrees and you look at just large sections of Spain on fire, large sections of California on fire this week, it's hard not to think, man, I really thought, and this is no offense, you people would start giving a shit when it happened to white people. We all knew that everyone would just be fine with Tuvalu essentially being underwater.

We all knew that that was, but this is happening to white people. The people people care about. Where you have to understand is that for quite a lot of white people, Italians and Spanish, they're just white people adjacent to the North. They're quite counts for a lot of sort of Anglo white people. It's gonna have to come a bit closer. It's gonna have to hit the Norwegians. It's gonna have to hit the Norwegians before anyone cares about it. Listen, as with any situation, there are winners and there are losers. In this case, the losers are humanity in general. And the winners are manufacturers of breathable clothing. So my top tips for investment right now are linen mills, Havayana's concessions in

airports. And this is slightly of a feel, but I'm gonna say the manufacturers of Tenor Incontinence Pads, because I think they could really be onto something if they introduce a new range of super absorbent products to deal with the oncoming global epidemic of ball sweat. Nasnappies, plum wipes, Naka Packers, Lads Pads, call them what you will, there's money in them, they're spuds. The other big losers in the situation are the writers and operators of metaphors. Metaphors cease to be metaphors when they become actual reality.

For a long time, climate campaigners have used the metaphor, the world's on fire. But the world is literally on fire now, so they're gonna have to find some new ways of expressing the severity of the situation. Maybe the earth is on life support and someone just unplugged it so they could charge the ice dispenser on their super yacht or something snappier like

Mother Nature's tits are exploding or even something that's just very direct such as holy f**king shit We've f**king this thing so far. I'm just f**king f**ker that we're f**king and just to say you can get all of those on a t-shirt over at my red bubble paper All of this record-breaking climate catastrophe made it more surprising when two days ago I was sat in this very room that we recorded the big lid and watching on the Justop Oil Twitter feed video footage of people smashing up placards at a Justop Oil protest and it has been a nauseated server on two fronts, one front the entire planet is on fire, and on the other front we've had to listen

to k*****'s winch about people protesting so that we don't all burn to death. We have to listen to a whole server of, oh, they interrupted the tennis. And sacred tennis, again, between a man ranked 478th in the world, and another man ranked 527th in the world. They interrupted it, and they were playing on a court so far from Centricort in Wimbledon, they were technically in Croydon. They interrupted it, they interrupted the cricket for one minute of five days. How could they do this? They interrupted it,

they interrupted it. And Johnny Bestow, I mean to me fair to you, it's the only thing he hasn't dropped or something, I was like, I'm in protest, I'm beginning to think that if England watch Johnny Besto, I have to hold on to a f*** catch, they need to write just a stop oil on a ball, but that's obviously the idea of that. The protesters, they've done all just a stop oil, I've been asking for, which I think is worth restating, is that we don't have new oil fields which in light of what's happening this week seems evidently sensible they're also trying to stop the British government from opening a coal mine because the British

government are considering opening a coal mine the only good reason in 2023 to open a coal mine in Britain is if you're going to plan to immediately close it to stimulate boys interest in ballet. That's the only food reason is a full billy-eally at policy. I think it's just probably just part of their desire to return to the 1950s in general as a government, isn't it? Things fits. We'd take that. We don't. We won three Ashes series in a row in the 1950s. I'm right on board with that. That's the most audacious sports washing yet. Take the country back to the 1950s. Bring back the 50s, so we can have a more successful Ashes record. I mean, you mentioned that coal mine,

but I mean, really in Britain, what are our alternatives? I mean, if only we had some sort of coastline, we might be able to harness the power of the tides, or we had a massive, great, reliable wind coming across an ocean pretty much all the time, that we might be able to, I don't know, but that's just aren't any options. Yeah. Harness the power of the tides, what are you at, sorcerer? Well, my main reactions as the earth moves steadily towards its post-human phase is who

knew Armageddon would be this slow. It is someone who grew up in the 80s. I was very much expecting that when the end of the world came, we would all be evaporated with only three minutes warning. I didn't think the whole thing would be eaked out over years and involved quite so much in the way of celebrities raising awareness. That is one of the main advantages of a nuclear strike. Even the age of smartphones, it leaves Gary Barlow and Galgado

very little time to organise a video of people who are dull when they go on Jimmy Kimmel singing Ebony and Ivory and then Malibu Kitchens. There's something very absolute about a three-minute warning. Three minutes gives you time for a sandwich, a speedwank, or to say goodbye to your loved ones, depending on your personal situation and preference. But the Armageddon Duno-Jure leaves far too much time for contemplation and guilt.

And that is the other good thing about an all-out nuclear war. You can absolutely frame that as entirely the fault of other people. But climate disaster, climate disaster is something we're all being held responsible for. I'll be honest with you, Andy.

I can do without that. I've got enough guilt and shame as it is. My guilt and shame dance card is extremely full. I've already got to fit in ruminating on my failings as a husband and father, the broad and deep consequences of Empire, forgetting to put a wash on, my inherent advantages as a straight white man, accidentally treading on the cat, Western hegemony, the fact that I've chosen this job instead of something that actually helps humans and leaving the milk out so it went off. That's enough to deal with. And maybe I can fit feeling guilty about global warming in between not being a dutiful enough son and my part in

Channel 4's early internet show.comedy, but honestly I can't promise anything. I'm not, you've triggered some horrible memories with that last... No, I had to dig very deep to be able to say that out loud. You're very brave to share that. Those three-minute options you listed. Are they mutually exclusive or not? I can't quite remember the... Oh, no, you can have a sandwich, a speed rank,

and say goodbye to your loved ones at the same time. In many ways, that is the dream. Well, that's the thing. You'll get it all done because you've got a deadline. Yep. What type of a time they found that bloke in Pompeii who would clearly seen the lava and decided to just go to town on himself as he was so good as the lava was coming towards him. Although with this version of the apocalypse, it is taking longer, you're really going

to have to tease that one, Kale. You've got to go full stingwank. You've got to go full tantric on this. Tantric on your own business. I love the idea that people generally don't want to be caught masturbating. And in fact, he probably thought he'd got away with it. No way did he imagine that 2,000 years later, someone will be, because he'd be equivalent of someone bursting into his room going, what are you doing? He looked, he looked, he looked pretty ashen faced. Oh there it is. Brexit was right news now and the European Union is going to force poisonous chemicals on all children across Europe. Brussels bureaucrats

are set to poison children in their sleep after making it compulsory for the continent's kids to drink industrial chemicals with their lunch if they want ice cream afterwards. That is not entirely the story, but it's a story that involves the EU. We're allowed to take a bit of creative license in this country. That's what we voted for. And this is essentially what's happened. The European Commission is poised a backtrack on its plans to ban most hazardous chemicals and consumer products after a backlash from the hazardous chemicals industry, this is according to leaked documents. The ban was set to cover thousands upon quite literally thousands of dangerous substances in everyday products, ranging from toys to food packaging, and from phallate-flavored blomons to arsenic coated

underpants. I mean, this surely proves that we were right to take control of how we poison our children rather than relying on Brussels to do it for us. Yeah, I mean, listen, given the possibility of the treatment of Brexit appears to be you can now just put human shit in all rivers and beaches. This is the EU trying to tempt us back. Lift and not be a skirt to show us a bit of leg. Not gonna work, you're a crats. Not gonna work. Yeah, it's, say what you will about the EU, but they don't sometimes half make it hard

to like the European Commission. It's going to break this promise to outlaw all the most essential of the hazardous chemicals. It's basically, as a result of an industry-led backlash, and they've come under pressure from the chemical industry and right-wing political parties. So the European Union has very much taken the professional footballer rule of following the money. And unfortunately, in this case, the money leads to a bunch of heavily poisoned children. It's pretty disgraceful. I mean it feels like being against poison should be the bare minimum for people. But clearly the pro poison lobby, clearly I'm a naive buffoon and the pro poison lobby has wafted a few de bloons under the European Commission. They've decided to go, you know what? The kids are going to die of climate change in the log run, we're both poisoned of ourselves.

Yeah, just saving them other forms of fate. For the sake of editorial balance, say that these poisons will also be effective on adults and then of children. So we're only going to really one side of the story after this point. The numbers are extraordinary. According to a study into the side of the story after this point. The numbers are extraordinary. According to a study into the prevalence of the chemicals,

34 million tons of them were consumed last year in Europe. It's the kind of figure that's sort of impossible to get your head around, particularly if your brain function has been affected by the sheer number of forever chemicals that you're ingesting. So I've done some maths to put this in context. Bear with me. You might need a pen and a pad.

The population of the EU is 407,209,306 people at the last count which I'm assuming was registered this morning. If the 34 million tons of chemicals consumed last year were distributed evenly among the population, that would mean that each person consumed 84, sorry, 83.5 kilograms of NNCs or not nice chemicals. Given that the mean weight of a big Mac is somewhere around 220 grams, that means that each citizen of the European Union last year consumed the equivalent

of 380 big Macs worth of NNCs and RFBCs, really ****ing bad chemicals. That is 154 billion, 739 million, 536,280 big max. And that is without even taking into account the environmental impact of that many plastic toys accompanying the happy meals. So what I think that proves is that if we can just stop eating big max, this will all go away. You could prove anything with numbers. Exactly. The Belgian Prime Minister, Alexander De Cruz, said that said back in May, if we're overburdening people with rules and regulations, we risk losing support for the green agenda.

And the German Chemicals Giant BS, BASF, has permanently downsized in Europe because of what it called overregulation. I have to say, overburdening and overregulation, I really feel like not having poison is not overregulating. And I have to say that they are gonna now say, well, the thing is, we would absolutely love to create more jobs in continental Europe. But unfortunately, the overregulation of laws against murdering people is weighing us down.

We cannot move for red tape. Yeah. Listen, God, does it need to be 10 commandments? I mean, it's just very restricting. Moses was the original red tape wheeler. Yeah, there were like 15 of them originally, but he talked them down. And I'm not a family, you. I've had a look at the 12,000 suggested toxic substances on this list. I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. There are huge emissions. I'm wondering if there's an opportunity here for a bit of negotiation. So clearly, there are a number of toxic chemicals that business in industry won't take off the list. So perhaps we could operate a one-in-one out policy

and I could get a few of my suggestions on there. How about, right? They get to put lead back in petrol, but sell a res. Or they can pick any car synergy they like to take off the list, but the EU moves to outlawed Dizarono. Some kind of indestructible poison-based fertiliser gets a reprieve, but pale, blue sports-oriented aftershaves are illegal within the borders of the European Union. My list of demands, suggestions, includes, but is not limited to hard celtzer, which is just a way of setting alcopops to grownups, you're not fooling us, non-absorbent cat litter, southern comfort, fruit in salads, whatever that is that comes out of my old ear piercing when I squeeze it, and agnog if indeed those are two different things. India going to the moon news now and well exciting times for Indian space rockets.

One of their number has been fired upwards, a best thing to do with a space rocket, I am H.O. On a mission to discover what's on the other side of the moon. They're firing it to the dark side of the moon and showing once again the influence of Pink Floyd on the Indian geopolitics. To try to discover whether the moon is really a large disc in the sky, like a pancake, or is it more like a golf ball, but further away? This is obviously very exciting as a man of Indian descent.

You must be thinking, you know, this is an opportunity maybe for you to become an astronaut within the next hundred to hundred and fifty years. One hundred percent hundred, this is absolutely huge news. Side note, Indian Space Rocket was my secret service security name. The moon, or as we have Indian extraction, call it the fat man, is the latest frontier of India's exploration. And you're thinking, why is India really blasted off a rocket to the moon? Why have they sent Chandran III, the word for moon craft in Sanskrit, off of a island in southern India to the moon?

Is it to a India's dominance as a new world superpower? Is it to show off the science and technology, this thriving in the country? The answer is, it's neither of those things. It's to send someone to the moon to make sure no one is saying anything bad about Norendra Modi. We will travel to the end of the galaxy to make sure that those space aliens are not saying anything weird like BJP stands for Blowjob Piss Party or that Norendra Modi with his white

hair and white beard looks like a mean Indian Santa. We are desperate to make sure that there is no one up there and I'll tell you how they're fueling the rocket, they're fueling it with Nurendra Modi's own spit because he spits jet fuel and I read about that and a whatsapp forwarded to me by my uncle. I think the most significant aspect of India landing a craft on the moon is that life will be much simpler now for NASA and the UK Space Agency, countless similar organisations across the globe who can now simply outsource all of their space exploration to India. No longer will there be the risk and expense and years of training associated with putting people called Brandon or Chip or Yevgeni into space. Instead rockets will be sent up with nothing in the cockpit, but a connection to a call

centre in Bengaluru where a man called Arjun is going to be your astronaut today. Press one, if you're having trouble landing the craft. Press two, if you're unable to cope with the desolate beauty of the arid moon scape. Press three, if you broke wind in your suit and require medical assistance. For all other enquiries, press the hash key. Calls way we recorded for training and posterity. So, I mean, the fact India has the money to launch this completely pointless expedition to see what's on the other side of the moon. I guess the guess that sort it out, all the

other problems affecting the country, in the same way that other country America doesn't have any problems anymore. And the Soviet Union had pretty much sorted everything out before it fired that dog into space and then you're a gagar in a dog outfit as well to back it up. So I mean this is this is quite exciting news generally isn't in terms of terms of social progress. Yeah it's a it's a it's a sign of a society with its priorities in order. Sure, there's huge economic problems in it, but how will we know that this stuff on the moon, if we haven't, how can we trust white people's opinion of what's on the moon?

And that is the one element of which I support this. I just, I think you've got a sender did in there just to have a look at what's going on, just to see what's happening up there on the moon. Otherwise, the whites, you may have been lying to us about the moon the entire time. There might be gold up there for all we know. That's probably what a, what a Camilla's cat's some moon dog that got colonized by some British art all. And there also rumours that advertising deal has been signed so that the face of Indian cricket at Virat Kohli will be projected

onto the moon for all time as the one visible thing left in the world that isn't already sponsoring Virat Kohli. So this is again exciting news for everyone. I know that's a joke, Addy, but I think you would make a couple of billion people extremely happy. My self-included, if you project it, and if you project it, tend to occur onto the moon, then that would be over it. We'd be quite literally over the moon. I think that, as you mentioned, Andy, they're going to somewhere quite new.

The chose landing site is very significant. The craft is to touch down at the Moon's very rarely visited South Pole, where it will try to answer once and for all the age-old question, barren and dry, though it may appear, does the Moon really have space penguins? If so, are they regular penguins who've evolved to fit the oxygenless environment of the Moon? We know that regular Earth penguins can hold their breath for an inordinate length of time. Have the space penguins evolved so far that they can hold their breath for their entire lives?

Or have they developed cute little penguin spacesuits? There's going to be a hugely significant find because if there's one way of convincing and increasingly skeptical and poverty-stricken human race that it's worth, the trillions of dollars that space exploration costs, it's going to be cute space penguins a lot right on this And also I guess you know it going going to the south pole of the moon I mean we've been burned by this before just hope for India's sake They don't find the f***ing Norwegians have got their shit

Well, but they're not the first people there are they because there's now there've been, Russia, China, and India that have all reached the moon. And I think what we've got here, Lads, is the beginning of a really promising chalk and cheese type sitcom called Mr. von Brown's Boys, in which the inhabitants of four national lunar bases live next door to each other with hilarious consequences and classic moments we all love. Who can forget? Dimitri falling through the airlock. Or Captain Leamne explaining co-pilot bow that dehydrated food tube is very small, but the horse head nebula is far away. And so, part of the two, don't tell him buzz, what you're talking about first officer Malhotra, how you do in full recyclable oxygen cells. This shit writes itself, which coincidentally is the motto of Chuck G.P.2.

And also why there's such an ampuss in the US writer's truck, how this one, when the shit starts writing itself, where does that leave the humans? India are actually planning on the next space, which is planning to be the plan to send some astronauts to the International Space Station as part of a agreement that was struck when Nrenthra Modi last month visited Joe Biden in

America. And interestingly, while that discussion was mainly focused around providing a counterweight to Vladimir Putin's aggression in Ukraine, they did actually find time to discuss democratic values. Biden said the Prime Minister and I had a good discussion about democratic values. That's the nature of our relationship we're straightforward with each other and Narendra Modi said that he was surprised by any criticism of the Indian government which is he would be surprised by it because he doesn't see it very often because anyone who does gets beaten up he said that in India the benefits provided by the government is accessible to all that has the mother of all citation needed next to it.

That comment from Modi would barely pass Wikipedia's editing policy. LAUGHTER MUSIC Sports news now, and while it's been a huge week in sports, Chris mentioned the Commonwealth Games shim-muzzle. Also, there was an incident at the Tour de France on a spectator caused a huge crash by Trinoteca Selfie whilst 150 professional cyclists whizzed past about 45 miles an hour.

In a strong entry for the sporting moment that best expresses 21st century human life award. But let's look at Wimbledon, which after Wimbling on for two weeks has now wimbled off for another year. And with two new singles champions crowned Marquette of Andruziver is the ladies champion, has predicted on the bugle three weeks ago. Well, looking ahead to the women's singles, my money has to be on the unseated check and 250 to one shot while Kedra von Druzev former French open finalist, of course, to spring a big surprise and make it all the way

foiling the dreams of Ukraine's hero, Galena Svitalina in the semi-finals But before prevailing and a disappointingly one-sided final against Britain's reanimated 1909 champion Dora Boothby Backing contention after being ruled out of recent tournaments due to having died in 1970 at the age of 88. Well, I was pretty close. I mean, you can't get everything right. Yeah, I did say Von Drew's would win. And in a men's drawer, Carlos Alcaraz,

the 20-year-old Spaniard beats the unbeatable. He beats Novak Jokovic, which is pretty much like beating the dinosaurs in a being wiped out by an asteroid competition. Incredible, achievement. Did you guys watch it? I was actually playing cricket at the time. So you're saying you're not responsible is that? So I didn't, I thought, I caught up on it later. I sort of thought because Jokovic, regardless of how good Alcaraz is, I just assume Jockovitch would win because that's what he does.

I don't think he has the imagination to lose, generally. So, but it wasn't extraordinary sporting moment. I was very sorry that Jockovitch didn't win, not because I liked the anti-vaxxer thing best, but because I had an escape from Alka's tweet already to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go

and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go

and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go and have to go have to go generation. It is very depressing. But, but, Nish, Jokovic is your generation. So, I'm gonna ask you, are you okay? How does it feel to have your men's single final dreams finally dashed? Jokovic is, it is an extremely close game. There was a moment when Alkaraz, I think, sort of, speed a shot down the line and Jokockovich in his attempts to quickly change direction fell flat on his face. And for most of the game, the kind of writing around it and in the lead up to the game was the idea of this kind of David vs Goliath. This sort of plucky 20-year-old

upstart taking on less a tennis player and more a kind of force of nature. And then for one second, it looked like what it was, which was a 20-year-old embarrassing someone a decade and a half old. That'd be like, when Jocomitch was phased down on the turf, I don't think I've ever felt closer to it. But for a long period, Jocomitch did dominate. And I felt a little bit like George Orwell in the 1930s, watching the Spanish crumble to fascism.

But Alcras rallied and rallied hard and yeah it was an extraordinary game that sort of reminds you that really only sport could do this and I would like to apologise to my parents neighbours who went Alcras smeared a cross-court forehand at head height from the baseline, heard me make a noise, like someone stamping on a BG SNARTS sack. LAUGHTER Because there's a list of things that you should not do if you want to be no vac jock of itch.

One is playhammington. Two is playham at tennis in a country that lets people in who haven't had a COVID vaccination. Three is play him on Sendagore at Wimbledon. Four is play him in a decade, beginning with the numbers two, zero, and two. Because since January 2020, one 74 out of 48 matches in Grand Slam tournaments.

Before that one, two of his losses were to Nadal in Paris, where it's basically impossible to beat Nadal without one or more of a harpoon, a nuclear warhead, or a particularly angry crocodile. And in one of the other two losses, he was disqualified for whacking a ball at a lineage, because why not? A thing five you're not supposed to do is lose the first set quickly. Thing six, let a set go to a tie break. Jokovic never loses tie breaks. Things seven, go ahead in the match, then let Jokovic come back to level things up. Don't get taken to a fifth set. Don't get taken to a fifth set, specifically in the Grand Slam final, and don't give him a break point in that fifth set, because he's so good on the big points. And above

all, don't get distracted by him bouncing the f***ing ball twenty f***ing times before every f***ing serve. Alchra has made all these mistakes apart, perhaps from the last one and still one. It was it was truly extraordinary. It's also, you know, it's how we watch sport, isn't it? You know, we watch sport with it in a, it's a surprisingly emotional thing and people really like or don't like players based on numerous things and not just how good they are but also how they play and in my case watching tennis how many f**king times they bounce a f**king normal frowning f**king surf. And Jockovic's ball bouncing is insane. There was a junior tournament when he played when I think it was about 15

or 16. The story goes that the young Jockovic bounced the ball for 74 hours continuously before serving at set point down. It's always worse on the big points. It's a opponent fell asleep and was taken home by his mum and Jacović was awarded a match by default now that didn't happen But the fact that neither of you interrupt me to None of you listening wherever you whenever you are interrupt me that tells you everything you need to know Jacović was fine. He smashed his racket during the final set after being being having his serve broken he was fined he smashed his racket during the final set after being having his serve broken. He was fined $8,000, just over £6,000. He was essentially paid $575,000 for playing and losing the final. That's the difference in prize money machine, losing the final and losing the semi-final.

There were 334 points in the final, so it works out that for smashing his racket pieces and densing the net post, he was deducted his his racket pieces and dinting the netpost, he was deducted his pay for 3.5 of those 334 points. Now Alchair has served 7 double faults, so let's just say Jockovich, for smashing his racket to pieces like a stroppy professional tennis player was penalised brutally by not being paid for watching the first serves of Alcras' 7 double faults failed to land in play. And that is a lesson he will never forget. Sport like life is complicated. Obviously a lot of tennis fans haven't really forgiven Jockevich for not being a Raffanardal who did pretty spectacular things with the Teddest ball and took the

go to New Heights of athleticism or indeed and they haven't forgiven Novak John Cavitch for not being Roger Federer who is and I don't think this is an overstatement the ultimate pinnacle of human beauty was found in Roger Federer's backhand. Do you know whenever I'm watching Wimbledon, I always think they really lean into the color green, don't they? To really lean into it, which seems odd because it clashes terribly badly with the strawberries, but in fact, it's camouflage. Until the late 19th century, Wimbledon was painted scarlet, but that made it a much easier target

when it wore with other grand slam tournaments. It only changed a green after the humiliating defeat to Roland Garros in the 1884 Battle of Slasanger. That battle went to four sets, but Wimbledon eventually succumbed to a powerful volley of cannons, forcing it back to the baseline before the superior agility of Roland Garros made itself clear with an easy drop shot to put the battle beyond reach. Camouflage, of course, isn't Wimbledon's only defence against invasion by foreign Grand Slams.

There are also the anti-air raid roofs that have been put on centre court and court number one. The enormous defensive earthworks that have been constructed, otherwise known as Hemman Hill, and of course ticket prices. Well that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle, and indeed this summer's Bugles will be back in late August, early September, which might still be summer. But you get my point. We're going to be off for a few.

I think this will still be on fire. I'm probably what are you looking forward to over the summer of citizens of planet world? I'm looking forward to getting to know the various air conditioning spots in Italy, where I will be for two weeks, just standing near fridges in supermarkets. I'm looking forward to the conclusion of the ashes, massive gaming ultra-effort, which you're off to imminently Andrew. Yes, as soon as we finish this recording, I'll be packing up my stats machine and my 75 coloured pens and heading up to cocoon myself in the comforting safety blanket of sport and stats. As James Brown said, stay on the scene like a stats machine

before immediately being corrected. We will talk about this. In fact, Chris and I will talk about this in the Bugle Ashes Zoltz cast available via the Bugle website or elsewhere. On the internet, we'll be back with full Bugles in a few weeks' time, unless there's nothing left to quip about. Maybe everyone will have learnt to get along in peace and harmony. The environment will have stopped being such a temperamental shitbag, and the world will be sitting around the campfire holding hands and singing songs to each other and not lighting the campfire because they've learnt their lesson.

But if not, we'll be back. We will be back to, as I said, hold up the mirror to the world and smash it to pieces so you don't have to. In the meantime, there will be a couple of sub-bugles over the next few weeks to keep you going. There is the Bugle Ash's Zoltzcast. There's Top Stories giving you the top stories from old episodes. And also we're adding full old episodes,

gradually to the bugle feed. You can listen to the gargle. The fastest other shows from the bugle podcast stable. You can see plenty of bugle co-hosts at the Edden Re Festival. An issue, are you a few got to show at the festival? I'm there for four days but Oh you got to that stage of the career now, have you niche out? Just going to go in, suck up some tickets for four days and get out of it. I'm going to be completely frank with you. It's a work in progress show that I'm not touring and it may as well be called Nish

is trying to expense his hotels and trains against tax. Those shows are regrettably and slightly surprisingly already sold out. There might be some returns if you go on the Monkey Barrel website. I'm also, I'll be doing my news podcast, PODSEVLUK, which is also available wherever you get podcasts. Alice, Tiff, Annuvaab, James and Akisei and Tom Ballard are all doing shows at the Edmund Festival going to see all those. Alice is also doing a couple of live gargled shows, tickets available were just ask, just ask nicely.

And Edfring.com. Oh, that's it, that's the one. So if I knew it was somewhere. Just get Edfring.com up on your computer or your phone or your tablet and ask that nicely. When I posted about my Ed and Risha originally I put all of the dates up wrong and they had to be corrected by my agent, by her posting underneath my Instagram post and the number of people who were immediately responded by saying you were spending too much time with Andy Soltzman was truly good. You've been spending too much time with Andy Saltsman. It was truly good.

There's a bugle live show in London in September. I can't remember the date of the week. Middish, middish, September. We will post details as soon as tickets are available. And well, I think subscribers to the bugle volunteer subscription team get priority booking, but I'm sure they'll be plenty left after that. Well, happy summer everyone. We will be back in a few weeks. Do listen to me talking in numbers on the cricket if you like that kind of stuff, if you don't, don't, you'll hate it. And you'll be wrong, you'll be wrong about everything in your life.

Until August, September, goodbye.