The Bugle - It's the end of the world and I'm slightly bothered, but not enough really. - Bugle 4108

Episode Date: May 12, 2019

Andy is joined by Alice and Nish this week. Emu's and the world in general is in peril, tombs are uncovered, sport is good and David Cameron's got a hot tub. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 4100Nate of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 4100Nate

of the Bughal Audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andy Zoltzmann here in London in the Cochlearne studio. There's nothing to laugh at, and there's nothing here many times before. It's all late, buddy. I'm sorry. It's always late. I mean, I'm doing my best to make this podcast grow up a bit. Then you just stop us, but go on, you got co-clade. Fair point. Yeah. Next week we record a gig, Vag Alley. LAUGHTER

Erm... I call it teeth. Joining me, as you've already heard, the extremely grown-up Nish Kumar. The extremely grown-up Nish Kumar, who has had four strong coffees this morning I'm absolutely buzzing off my nut. Right. Okay, Rich, you might need to slow this This issue of a bugle that Rich stepping in for Chris this week Hello Rich. Hello Andy good. Johnny is also from the other side of the universe

Depending on which way you go. It's and from Australia. It is Alice Fraser. Hello, Nish, hello, Andy, hello, Bughlers. As you are in Perth, I think this is a first for the Bughler to have a Perth correspondent. Tell us everything about Western Australia. It is hot. That will do. Not a great advert for the Perth Tourism Board. It's not bad. It's better than it's Colden Wet. I spent three hours in US immigration yesterday. So I'm a change man. I mean, I don't know what it is, but last time I had to get a visa, I think it was about five years.

Maybe it's different age, but I mean, I'm becomes a computer error. I think just the me a fact that someone with my face was applying for a visa has caused a systemic breakdown in American immigration. This why would you even try, Nish? Well, Alice, I'm glad you asked. I have live shows at the Soho Playhouse in New York next week on the hold on a second, hold on a second, 16th and 17th of May, which I forgot to plug last time I was on the bugle. It's quite the fact that this is really the only thing I do

that has any sort of transatlantic audience. Um, do go to both of those shows, New York people, and then fly over the Atlantic to come to my show at the underbelly on the 18th of May. Can we get none of plugs as opposed to the end? It's just, I've forgotten last time. I've got to show London on new mine. We are recording on Friday, the 10th of May 2019, on this day in 1497, coincidentally since you mentioned America, a merry-go-vesse buchi, the Italian exploration celeb, and the man who gave his name to such renowned continents you mentioned America, America vestibucci, the Italian exploration celeb,

and the man who gave his name to such renowned continents as North America and South America amongst many others. Allegedly, left cadith in Spain for his first voyage to the new world. And have you think fake news to do with America as a modern phenomenon? Well, check out this, the middle of the second millennium trend setter.

This entire 18 month voyage was a fake, according to some historians that has, have cast down whether Vespucci's first and or fourth voyages actually happened. Oh, wow. Yeah, experts, by which I mean, a one and a half minute internet search, just that two of his four alleged voyages to America's may have been fake. And that on the first, he actually pissed off the Thailand to find himself a year without telling his parents.

And on the second, he was actually doing a two-year stretch in the slammer for getting his plunker out at Convent Barbecue in Lisbon, and she had to barbecue this sausage. On this, the words Convent and Plunker should not be applied back like together. Well, yes, certainly. I mean, times of vote on.

In 1773, on the 10th of May, the British Parliament passed the T-Act designed to give the British East India Company a monopoly on the North American T-Trade. That went well. And on, well, this is the bugle for the week beginning being in 13th May, and on the 13th May 1940, Winston Churchill gave his famous Blood Toil, Tears and Sweats Beach, cheeky reference, of course, to the nickname to the members of Churchill's favourite late 30s girl band, The Spicy Ladies. By that time, by that time, of course, founder member Grind had left the band and married

England football star Eddie Habgood. Blood Toil, tears and sweat, coincidentally, also the main ingredients for over 90% of all British recipes in the 1940s. He said I have nothing to offer, but blood, toil, tears and sweat turned out he was wrong. He also had a keen strategic sense and a winning way with words in a very confident manner with a cigar. And of course, the 13th of May this year, Monday, the third is of course the last day on which you can get your application in

to be the longer-weighted official Messiah for the people of Oh, Hang on, that's supposed to be still in bargo. Sorry. One, one, one mistake. One mistake. Let me just sit on that. Perhaps just chop that bit out.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, we're looking at tech floatations. The definitely not a taxi, but still quite taxis taxi service Uber is to float on what is it, Nish? Is it, what's it floating on? The back, so the peasant workers. That is one of the stock exchange things. Yeah, it's on one.

One of the stock exchange things. I think it's one of the stock exchange things. I think that's the technical. I'm a published economist, mate. Don't look at me like that. It has been valued at a disappointingly piddling some of $82 billion. That is the poultry equivalent of a mere 1.1 times the GDP of Kenya. They were announced large African nation with 50 million people in it isn't global capitalism fun. But Uber, of

course, is not the only tech supernova about a float. Other companies about floats include ARC. That is a Bay Area startup offering a guaranteed place on an ARC in the event of a biblical level deluge and or rising sea levels. That's been

valued at $59 billion. The business currently consists of a hand-drawn logo of a boat on a wave and the ownership of the web domain Oh no, a not again.com. Unfortunately, they're only going to let two of each internet subculture on board. That's still a big arc. Two theories, two bugles. That's going to be an awkward conversation in the dining room. But a great stage show. Come to the end of the festival. And Bach, another Bay Area, starts up that pairs up non-dog owners with personal grudges to settle with people who own dogs,

who can provide a doggy to go around to someone else's house and Bach aggressively at them, the infrastructure for that one, currently Mike from Down the Road, who owns an unusually aggressive Staffordshire bull terrier and a roll of plastic bags for the inevitable cleanups That's been valued at 120 billion dollars. So do keep going those tech flotations that section in the bin Top story this week life on earth is doomed again and or still Another new report has emerged from the United Nations, which seems to little more these days than just warn us that the planet is about to die, which may be its job, fair to it. Has a reporter's come out saying that

nature is having a tough time, if it niche. It's in a tight spot. Yeah. It's up against it. It's really up against it to misquote REM. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Well, actually not fine. I feel uneasy about the whole thing, but not enough to do anything about it,

because meat is delicious and I like to drive my car real fast. The UN and scientists have conducted the most thorough health check of planet Earth of all time. If it was an actual health tech, we'd actually be looking for the biggest priest in the world to read an entire planet its last rights. Yes, for too long we have been gorging ourselves on the spicy or you can eat buffet of nature's resources and soon the bloated shits down of regret will descend on the quivering butthole of humanity.

I mean, one sentence in Alice, one sentence. Quivering butthole was my wrestling name. Yeah, I mean, it's, I mean, the report said that nature is being destroyed at a rate tens to hundreds of times higher than the average nature destruction rate of the past 10 million years. But on the flip side, there are way more zoos than 10 million years ago, or a free animal hotel, as I don't think of. And there are also way, way more urban retail parks

than at any point in the last 10 million years too. So it's not all one way traffic in the retail parks. And you do have to have an efficient one-way system, otherwise it's total chaos in a weekend. The biomass of wild mammals has fallen by any guesses, correct? 82%. Oh, So this report is not controlled with telling us that we're doing it. It's also body shaming all mammals collectively. I blame the Bible.

It's always the fatted calf that gets sacrificed. No wonder these animals have evolved to lose 82% of the biomass. It's basically the only in self-preservation. Natural ecosystems have lost about half of their area. of the biomass that's basically the Indian self-preservation. Natural ecosystems have lost about half of their area. I mean, downsizing is all the rage in property. And about a million species are at the risk of extinction. And that seems like a lot to me.

A million is a lot. I mean, we can't need them all. Can we? I mean, I guess we're going to find out over the next few years, give it a million species. Yeah, but things are all right at that moment. And loads of things have gone extinct in the past. I mean, who really misses, you know,

the extinct beasts that once roamed the earth like the Sabretooth ferret, or the Madagascan Dung Eagle, or the McConaugles Eye Hornet, or the Patagonian penis beetle, or even the stinking fire donkey. No one misses those. So would we seriously miss the hyena, the guppy fish,

or the dog that shits on the pavement outside your children's school on an almost daily basis? That may be a particularly personal one. Well, it's hard to say, Adam, because we don't know what the impact would have been of all of those. It's personally possible that the dodo would have eaten carbon monoxide and shattering out as cricket statistics.

And so where would you have been with the dodo? You don't love to. Out of... I mean, I've had a dodo in my office. Andy Purvis, who's a professor at the National History Museum in London, one of the main authors of the report, described it as the most extensive planetary health trek of all time. And he said this, the take home message is that we should have gone to the doctor sooner. We are in a bad way. Unfortunately, if we'd gone to the doctor in this country due to structural underfunding, we wouldn't have seen the doctor for six years.

And if we'd gone to the doctor in America, we'd have gotten to a level of debt that would have meant we'd have had to sell all of the animals anyway before they went extinct. And it's not a question just the fact that we should have gone to the doctor sooner. The doctor has been banging on our window for at least the last 40 years saying,

you are genuinely ill. The doctors here. We can't be sure that this is a direct causation thing. I mean, more than 450 of the world's leading scientists and diplomats have said that all of this is caused by humans. But how do we know that this is not caused by, for example, animals not listening to the bugle enough? Do we know if the animals

are going extinct, our podcast listeners? Well, we don't. And as long as there is that scintilla of doubt, it's not worth, you know, overhauling our economies and our lifestyles to an absolutely 120 percent sure. I mean, they do say we're going to need to take drastic action on a large scale to clean up our planet. Otherwise, we'll end up with a planet that can't support us. I think we need to look to marry Condo. The guidance here does that coal-fired power plant spark joy folded up in three neat squares, thank it, and then throw it out. Andy Pervis also said, if we leave it to later generations to clean up the mess, I don't think they will forgive us. Or, per this, that'll be dead. A possible solution to this is, we may as well just drive the whole thing into the ground,

then we can't have judgment if none of them are around to judge us in future. If you're going to sing the curtains, you may as well burn the whole house down. LAUGHTER Justify. LAUGHTER Well, also, I mean, you say,

if we leave it until the future generations, they won't figure this, but I mean, you say, if they're dead, but we will be dead by then. So they're going to be shouting at some coffin. That is no skin off my nose. Yes, the reports apparently have said that the knock on impacts for humanity Apparently, it said that the knock on impacts for humanity are including freshwater shortages. That's all right, there's loads of bottled water these days. Already, ominous and will worsen without, quote, drastic remedial action. And that is the big problem because no one ever won an election with a slogan, drastic remedial action. No one, you're looking at less than 1% of the vote. Well, this is sort of a problem because, I mean, this is a

very serious thought. I mean, it's hard to get more serious than everyone is going to die soon. And yet somehow, this has been pushed off the front pages. Certainly in this country this week, by the newspapers being wrapped up in the royal baby. A coverage of whom has been 50-50 with half the people saying the existence of a mixed race prince proves that racism is dead and the other half being racist about the baby. I mean, I mean, the great news about the baby is that the queen now has eight great grandchildren, so she can decide her favourite one with a simple knockout, knockout competition, quarter final, semi-final final.

I'm a great news, it's for Prince Philip, who can now say, how can I be a racist? My great-grandkid is one. I mean, politically, it's hard to make people care about the end of the world, because I'm going to just seem seemed a little bit vague. It's far easier to make people worry, for example, about a few thousand people caravan in their way through Central America to try to work their way into the world. 146 most densely populated country, which is, of course, full.

146th America. What is the real threat? Poison in the air or 12 Mexicans? The report has said we are eroding the very foundations of economies, livelihoods, food security, health and quality of life worldwide. I mean, that is not the job of climate change. That is the job of Brexit. What about the 17.4 million? Let them have their say. Also very telling that in that list,

economies was first. It's all about the Benjamin's, baby. It's a complete f**king disaster. That we are so f*****. And we could sort of vaguely unf**k ourselves, but unfortunately, we really like f***ing ourselves. And so we're going to f*** ourselves until we're f***ed. And there's no way of unf***ing ourselves.

Well, what I had was, it's important news that our threats to other species has now been conceptualized as a threat to ourselves. Because as we all know, people don't give a f*** about what they're f***ing unless they're literally f***ing their own mouths, even then some people are into that. Great minds, great minds. This year appears to have diverged somewhat from the initial purpose of a rigorous academic analysis of the global climate issue. Cambridge University is not taking this line down. It's setting up a research centre to find

ways to fix the world's climate. Now, you might say better late than never, but also you might say better quite a long time ago than late. But at least, well done science for moving on from such crucial recent pieces of absolutely critical, crucial, crucial, crucial research, such as finding that wasps have the power of deductive reasoning, which was a report recently published. I mean, I don't like that idea at all. I mean, from the wasps point of view, just don't think about things too closely. You're stripy picnic ruining state. It'll destroy you from the inside. To be absolutely fair, that does put wasps one step above the current president of the

United States. Oh, Christ, bangos, Lavisa. Yeah. So this new research centre in Cambridge is looking at ways to fix the climate, including re-freezing the ice caps, encouraging everyone to just leave their fridge doors open for 20 minutes every day. And just praying, praying harder. LAUGHTER Luckily, the world's richest are not taking this like down, Adi. Have you seen what Jeff Bezos is going to devote all of his money to in the week

that the U.S. published a report suggesting that we need to do something about the climate crisis? I have not. He's trying to go to the moon. LAUGHTER At this point, between Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos, it is quite clear that rich people have given up on this planet and are planning to f*** off to the moon. Well, yeah, be sure to say that, but maybe we can learn a lot from the moon because if it looks like a million species facing extinction on Earth,

when was the last time a species went extinct on the moon? LAUGHTER Maybe we can learn from that. That is a very good record of not sending species extinct. And we appear to be setting the moon as our target and role model in the way they're treating Earth. And I think that's probably on the right track. In Australian news now, or bad breakup news,

an Australian man has been sentenced to 42 days in jail for mowing down a mob of imuse near Uyan during a post-breakup rampage in September. Look, we've all done stupid things in moments of heartbreak, but I think murdering wildlife is probably a few steps below 3am boom box in the rain in my personal roller decks of post-relationship regrets. Jacob Scott McDonald, 21 years of age, he pleaded guilty in meal juror to three charges relating to animal cruelty and two driving charges after filming himself running over 12 emus

and killing them near the South Australian border. If you don't know when emu is, it's like a giant chicken with a snake for a neck and dinosaur legs that'll kick your guts out. They're adorable, Andy, and no one should hit him with a cut I mean the only way this defense works is if it turns out his ex was f***ing an E-Mew That's I mean, I'm still saying it's not an excuse you know an ex of mine ended up going out with a dentist Yeah, I mean if I killed all dentists

He wouldn't let me off charges, but you'd at least go, well, there's some context for it. What have the emus done to deserve being run over by this asshole? OK, well, first of all, niche emus are ****, but secondly, the judge said that he believed that Mr. Pintanral to regretted his actions, but that he had done this agreed just in and was caught because he'd posted the footage on social media. There is no no sure way to display your regret and sharing something on social media. If the internet has given us nothing more beautiful, it is the rampages of people going through emotional breakdowns now being made incredibly public for everyone to view. Yeah, and I'm not going to judge anyone.

People grieve for relationships in different ways. You know, a lot of us just eat a tub of ice cream and listen to Bob Dylan's blood on the tracks. For this man, it seems to be filming himself driving over emus whilst laughing and shouting, this is f***ing great. But you didn't have blood on the tracks on the car story. That's obvious. LAUGHTER

Um, I saw Zoltz-Benzai's light off at that moment. Um, I mean, it is, as you say, a curious, a curious act of vengeance on the end of a human relationship to, to slay some flightless birds. But I mean, look, we live in Brex, Britannia far better than us to criticize someone for taking out their frustrations on something that nothing to do with it, because he can just visit upon them. But also, can I just say this, I get accused quite a lot of bringing Brexit into stories where Brexit is not relevant. But Australian man driving over rebumes has inspired one of those with

finest out-of-borrowing on Brexit. And I think he deserves, I should receive, a huge amount of credit and blame. Also, I think the emus have to take some responsibility. If you are a bird and you are faced with a car, you've only got yourself to blame for your own evolutionary laziness if you cannot fly out of the way. Mr. Donald claimed that he had diminished responsibility for the crime because of his emotional state,

but emu what he was doing. There is so many technological innovations because of his emotional state, but he knew what he was doing. There is so many technological innovations that have required for Alice to be sighted Australia and deliver that to us, I think, good. It was, I mean, I'm not going to criticize you. People say it would be a bit ostrich. Look over me. Yeah. F*** you, Buf. Nish flips the bird.

That's perfect. Oh! Shut up, it. BELL A MONEY NEWS now. And, well, more exciting news from Australia, Alice, in that Australia's bank notes producers have committed one of the greatest spelling mistakes in the history of humanity. A spelling mistake on the Australian $50 bill that has been now printed 46 million times. which is a lot of money and the typo, the relevant typo is in the microtext, misspelling the word responsibility, which is delicious irony.

That is $2.3 billion worth of spelling stake. And they couldn't afford a spell checker. I mean, you see it's got a lot of news coverage this story. And you said understandable lack of familiarity in the rarefied confines of the money world with the word responsibility. What is that? A sport? Is it French? And also, it's Australia. I mean, wait until Australia realised it, realised it not only is it spelling word wrong, but it's been pronouncing everything wrong all the time as well. Imagine the looks on their faces. In other money news, David Cameron has been spending his money.

For those of you who don't know, David Cameron, former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, freelance reaker of social and political devastation, and a professional crumbler of other people's hopes and dreams. He has spent 8,000 pounds on a luxury hot tub. Now, I mean, David Cameron clearly, he's not been that busy since firing this country into an orbit of endless self-devastation.

But I would say it shows the endless well of empathy that lies within David Cameron. The deep, bottomless well of MP that enables him to be literally in hot water whilst his successor and the UK's a whole is metaphorically in hot water in the aftermath of his lettuce brain scheme to quell the right wing of the Conservative Party by giving them control over the entire future of the country. Synex might also suggest that this is good practice for Cameron, the 52-year-old living exemplar of the dangers of a slowly-molding democratic system, and the man who icceres to Britain into the oceans before ejecting,

floating gently back towards ground level, lost muttering that is going to make one f*** of a splash. It's good practice for him as an acclimatisation program for the full or partial eternity in the far-y bales of hell that he surely has earned himself. Yes, indeed, Annie, ex-prime minister and permanent David Cameron, David Cameron, is in the news again, having bought what is apparently a red cedar and stainless steel wood fire, six-person luxury hot tub at his cornish retreat.

Now look, an 8,000-pound luxury hot tub is not the worst thing I've been forced by the news to imagine David Cameron putting his naked penis into. But I nonetheless regret that a non negligible part of my professional duties as a satirical news comedian is imagining David Cameron's naked penis anywhere. It was a weird experience reading this because David Cameron has f***** this whole country up. And now he's off building a hot tub and building his very fancy writing shed, which was in the news about a year ago.

And he really pops up in public life to give the occasional interview saying that he doesn't really regret the referendum and that he's proud of the austerity policies that created the economic inequality that drive at least a chunk of the referendum vote. And it was a weird experience for me reading this article because it's the first time in my 33, nearly 34 years on this earth that I've read a new story and my immediate first thought has been, I'm gonna shit in that hot tub.

Me. I'm gonna, I'm gonna track it down. I'm gonna shit in that hot tub. Me. I'm gonna, I'm gonna track it down. I'm gonna shit in that c***** stupid f**king hot tub for c***** and then I'm gonna make him have a hot tub bath in my shit water. And then afterwards, if he has any problems with it, I'm gonna say, well, look, at the time, shitting in the hot tub seemed like the right decision today. And ultimately, I'm proud of everything

that the legacy of me shitting in your hot tub was achieved. You talentless f***. TUM News Now and, well, a hugely exciting discovery of an ancient Saxon tomb in Essex. Known for its enthusiastic approach to fake tan and lip injections Essex is famous for the skimmy scripted reality television show the only way is Essex and its groundbreaking archaeological finds.

So that's straight from the Essex tourist board. A royal burial site has been found wedged between a pub at a supermarket. So how much more in touch the role is used to be with ordinary people about 15 or 100 years ago. It's an ancient Saxon tomb. And I'm too bad I'm not entirely sure this quite lives up to its billing as Britain's answer to Tutankham. I mean, this is essentially a piddling collection of trinkets

that a pharaoh wouldn't get out of their pyramid for. Experts have said it could be the tomb of siaksa, the brother of Sabert, a Saxon king of Essex, and well, that would be a relief. It would be good to finally have some closure on siaksa because without a burial chamber, you just never know, do you? I keep finding myself at Saxon's back, battery enactment, staring at people saying, are you him? Are you look too young? It's taken 15 years of expert analysis to get the results of this dig. And it showed that it was a timber structure, which measured about 13 feet by 13 feet and was about 1.5 meters deep, meaning that if it were a found in Central London, it would be worth 4.95 million pounds and be described as a characterful period space

with contemporary touches. And it housed 40 rare and precious artifacts. Now, let's just look at the facts here. This is the size of a small garage, and it had 40 things in it, and it's taken them 15 years to publish the f***ing of you being doing. You pottery bothering slow coaches.

I'd risk Slim and Hacked his way through the whole of f***ing Troy in a year back in the 1870s. Raise the f***ing bar. Well, the Prince has thought to have been buried around the time of the introduction of Christianity into the culture of England. And this comparison with the finding of Tutankham's tune with this finding of the Prince next to an Aldi, is botheringly, because famously, when the Egyptian Prince Tutankhamam was excavated,

rumors and stories circulated about the Egyptian curses of death and ill fortune that seemed to haunt the desecration of the grave, presumably, in this case, the curse already leaked out somewhere in Essex so that Aldi is frighteningly haunted. I mean, all Aldi's are haunted, but this one is especially haunted. It's the way the central Isles are laid out according to an arcane and deeply illogical formula. You might call it a feature of budget, supermarkets, I call it a message.

A real-turn extra solar-powered merecat, lawn light, followed by 16 kilogram kettlebells. Of course, Dark Lord, everything makes sense. Now, I will go kidnaps some children and give them all the same hair cut and teach them to sing nursery rhymes very slowly in decrepit houses. A vision for post Brexit. It just feel like the comparison to Tutankham and has really only been made by people directly involved with the thing. It's a bit like when my agent describes me as the British John Oliver. It's really a comparison that's not accurate in any way and it's only really being made by people with a vested interest in it being true. There's certainly talking up the fines, including an exceptionally large Ashwood coffin with an elaborate lid, which alone would have weighed

160 kilograms. Why are we focusing on the coffin size? Coffins should only be as big as they need to be, I think. LAUGHTER It's enough to just fit the body and then the other body that you're using the first body to hide. LAUGHTER They also found drinking vessels. Oh, yeah! Of course, of course.

Some things will never share. They are in Britain. Down in one! Down in one! Do not ever chant that at a funeral. Apparently the size of the coffin and the placement of the items within the coffin suggested that the prince was about five foot six inches, which means, among other things, he would never get a date on Tinder. In other ancient archaeology news, a piece of stone hench has been missing for 60 years,

has been returned. It was a 108 centimetre long and about an inch in diameter. And it's been returned by a 90-year-old man. It was owned since it was... He was working on the excavations in the late 1950s and they took some samples out of the... Some of the sauce and stones. They sort of drilled holes and took some some. And he ended up in his office. And when he moved to America, he just took it.

He took it with him and has... Well, clearing out his stuff, I should probably give this... This bit of henge back. So if you have visited Stonehenge recently and been slightly underwhelmed by it, it's because it wasn't all there essentially, with missing a small cylinder of stone. Now, archaeologists are very excited because they can now study this stone and work out where the sars and stones came from because they're not quite sure. And sars and stones came from, because they're not quite sure. The blue stones came from Wales, but the larger sars and stones,

they're not sure. I just seriously, seriously hope it doesn't turn out that they're from the Acropolis again. That is going to start getting very, very awkward. And apparently, initial results from analysis suggest that the sars and may have come from several different locations, which suggests that Stonehenge could have been the start of the great British tradition of shopping

around for a bargain. Possibly even just sending off for a free sample massive standing stone from a load of different supplies and just kind of playing the system network getting a whole hinge out of it. Maybe they picked it up on a hen drum to call it. Up on the ferry grab a bit of hench back you come. We've all done terrible things on a hinge night. Sport now and well it's been an

absolutely sensational week in football. The renowned sport for English clubs have made it into the finals of the two main European football competitions. I want to say for English clubs to be more accurate for England located clubs. Anyway, but it just incredible

performance by the England clubs. Liverpool came from three goals down to beat Barcelona Spurs, needy three goals to overcome Iax in the last 35 minutes and managing. It just shows what you can achieve when you really believe and are backed by a stupidity plattering morality melting amount of money. It just shows what we can achieve in this country as an independent nation if we rely heavily on high quality people from overseas and the inequities of the financial world. Get in the back of the net! profit. Andy, it's a fine British tradition taking good things from other countries and claiming

them as your own. Yeah, let's pop Vincent Company in the British Museum where he belongs. Yeah, I mean, it was a very exciting week to very late comebacks from Liverpool and Tottenham. And, you know, of course, when anything like this happens, I think we all was a very exciting week to very late comebacks from Liverpool and Tottenham. And, you know, of course, when anything like this happens, I think we all know what's going to happen is a politician is going to make a toe curling and embarrassing public attempt to connect their policies with what's happened in the football. And Theresa May was straight in there. She claimed it was possible based on the Liverpool result to make a Liverpool style comeback

in Europe, referring to the Brexit withdrawal process and completely overlooking the point that the ultimate sum title of everything is that Liverpool have remained in Europe this week. You f***ing moron. Sweet Jesus. You cannot play football in kitten heels Theresa May.

I'm not judging anyone else, but kitten heels have both the inconvenience of wearing high heels with none of the sexiness. You need to remember where. Liverpool beat Barcelona, who slightly faded force. They still have the wonderful alarm on this, but it did look rather like, you know, playing a Roman Empire selector level in around about 350 AD. They still had some skills, but they're really not what they were. Little bit slow in midfield. And you know Louis Suarez as a s*** to horse.

But he called it a Senator while he was doing it. And a lot of people said of it. I mean, it was incredibly dramatic. It's a great game. A phenomenal thing for them. Two, two phenomenal pieces of sporting drama. And a lot of people said, only football can do that, which roughly translate as sport is great,

but I only watch football. And I was a bit of inconsistency because we don't hear those same comments. You know, only football can do that. After, for example, a grindingly tedious, nearly a drill between two mid-table teams, having to sit back and take the point only football can do that only no other sport can give you that you don't get those only football comments after 10,000 people chant races of beef

only football can do that or after an entire collection of new major buildings and associated infrastructures built in a desert by slave labor. Only for a while. Only for a while. And maybe Pharaohs and possibly a stretch of the Olympics. But only for a while. One story to emerge after the incredible sporting drama was a competition blooper by the online retailer, Zavi, who told they ran a competition offering a pair of tickets and an all expenses paid trip

to Madrid for two the Champions League final to one lucky winner. And they scored what I believe is considered a public relations own goal by crushing people's hopes and dreams, by accidentally emailing everyone who'd enter the competition telling them that they had won. Now, crushing people's hopes and dreams doesn't always work commercially, although it's of course the basic philosophy of the insurance industry, with the key difference that that involves threatening to crush people's hopes and dreams unless they give you money. But so they accidentally emailed, I mean, this typical modern society, maybe everyone's

got to be a winner, but instead of tickets to the Champions League final, one of the biggest games in the history of English football, Liverpool versus Pers, in Madrid, we kind of a lifetime. Instead, those people have won a 15% discount voucher to use on the Zavi website. Now, bear in mind the cost of tickets, flights and accommodation would be conservative estimate about £4,000 to get the value of that back to the financial value of the prize you thought you got. You would have to spend £27,000 on the Zavi website. And the emotional value, of course, doesn't come into its heart to replica. I'm not sure you'd get quite the same adrenaline rush from opening a thousand copies of Detective Pikachu on

not Blu-ray that you'd get from watching your team compete in the biggest match in its history and or one of the biggest matches in its history, which is a little delayed, according to the club supported. And if this is the worst miscarriage of ticket pricing since I saw mine on a scalping website for $260. LAUGHTER Even I wouldn't pay that. Zavi, of course, this online retailer, named I assume, after the Hebrew word Zav, which means, and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know this,

a state of ritual impurity arising from abnormal discharge from the male sexual organ. LAUGHTER Is that true? That is a fact. Look it up. F*** me, your internet search is between internet search and like that. Just my two heritage niche.

And the Hebrew, it never leaves you, does it? Never leaves you. And like your foreskin. And unlike Zav, which anyway, Zav, so Zavi comes from the Hebrew words, and Vi, which is the abbreviation for viscosity index. That really, those two really, really good ones. But so in many ways, you can say the one that is Zavi heroically, just, just illustrate what sport is supposed to be about.

You know, these, these moments of soaring ecstasy followed by crushing sensibility of failure. And 15% of Batman returns on DVD. Anyway, in the spirit of prize giving, we can tell you, Buegler, that you are all winners of this week's Buegler Star Prize, which is free episodes of the Buegler for the last 11 and a half years. Free episodes of the Buegler for the next 500 years, the right to go online to buy tickets to my fourth coming underbelly show on the 18th of May, and the Beagle Live on the 22nd of June, featuring Nish. And Alice, a comment from I asked you to do that one as well. Oh God, I absolutely love your booking policy.

Awesome, isn't it? Yeah, I'm up for it. What's the day to get? Yeah, bingo, there we go. That's considered yourself booked. And Ed and Refestival shows featuring me and the many Bugle co-hosts, including political animal and Bugle live, initially shows in America, the rest of Alice's Australian talk.

You won that, the right to buy tickets to all of those shows. You've also won Bugle's, not very exclusive opportunity to voluntarily subscribe to the Bugle by clicking the donate button on the Bugle website and choosing either one of our feature recurring contributions or make up your own regular chip on the Bugle website and choosing either one of our feature recurring contributions or make up your own regular chip into the Bugle or a one of virtual banknotes shoved into our metaphorical trouser pocket to help this keep the show alive free, independent and devoid of adverts.

Plus, you win a free seven-meter high solid marble statue of Nishkumar, subject to availability, elegantly sculpted in the style of Michelangelo's date. So, I'm just hearing those have now sold out. LAUGHTER But I even got the right angle in the penis. Plus you in three tickets to the European Cup Final in Madrid. The 1957 European one to rail Madrid and Fiorentina,

but you've got to pay for your own travel and accommodation. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's view. We, I think, have run out of time to do lies about subscribers this week, so we'll do a bump a lot of a double lot of lies about our premium subscribers next week. Also, we will have a look at America, which we've scurried around this week. What is going on with America? Plus trade wars, lots of fun, or digging around with the future of the planet, or both. So more of those next week, in a meantime, Nish, delight to have you on as always. Enjoy America. Fingers crossed, these are pending. They wouldn't let me call the show's reason. I did not recall the minutes. Alice, enjoy the

rest of your time down in the the wrong half of the of the planet. Thank you. I will. I like that you said it was a pleasure to have an instrument and all the pleasure to have me eat a dick. We all know you've been running down Amy's phaser. I know what you like. I

think it's fun to entertain entertainment where you can in person. Until next time, it's been a pleasure having you all listened to us. Take that, Alice. The way down the list is weak. Rich, do you like to have you appreciate you? I always appreciate you giving me little for that. Yeah, and it's lovely. Lovely to have had Chris not here this week as well.

He's broken his other hip, celebrating the spurs, Wade. Thank you for listening, Beugles. Until next time, goodbye. Bye. Bye. you