The Bugle - John loves the Pope

Episode Date: April 20, 2008

The 25th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBugle podcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Audio newspaper for a visual world. Music Of the works and welcome to issue 25 of the Beagle, the world's leading only and unquestionably best audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 21st of April, 2,000 rights with me and resultsman in London and in the beautiful city of New York Good day, butlers good day The Pope is landing in New York in about about what it should be about five minutes now So do expect this bugle to get a lot holier as it goes on He's landing a JFK that he's getting to a helicopter or a pulp chopper and is flying hovering his way into Manhattan

So by the end of the bugle this week, I'm gonna be only a few blocks away from the Pope I'll look you'll be able to feel the holiness Which means it is now 82 years to the day since Queen Elizabeth II or actually was known then Princess Elizabeth II was swapped out into the world by the Queen Mother that is inferred for two-fifth years. So it is 82. Today congratulations Mrs Queen, here is to 82 more years. Congratulations Mrs Queen, is there on Mr Queen? Oh there is. I'm so sorry. As always with the bugle some sections go straight in the bin this week a special bugle etiquette section including a guide to dueling the respectable traditional ways to satisfy your

bloodlust. It's making a comeback on the streets of the inner city London to veto you the best way to leave with your dignity and life intact. Also, what to do if a poisonous snake is crawling up a queen's leg, what take precedence, patriotism or protocol? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know, do you listen to your heart or your head? Or a different part of your investment? Oh, happy birthday, ma'am! Best birthday ever! 82! Surely not!

8.2. No, not that, not that, no. Have you finished? In a very real sense. Top story this week and to nearly quote Bruce Springsteen, Pope in the USA. Pope Ratzonsberger, Ratzonsberger! It's in the land of the free. The first visit by a Pope in 30 years. President Bush indeed picked him up from the airport. That's right, the leader of the free world picked someone up from the airport. That's right, the leader of the free world picked someone up from the airport.

And yes, it is the Pope, but yes, it's an airport. And he could have gone extra morning of work on that Middle East piece that he's been promising everyone by January. That plan must be going well because let me reiterate, he picked up the Pope from the airport. There's no easy way to hear that for the first time, but I think we all feel that the office of the president has been slightly soiled. Although, again, it's been soiled so much over the last seven years that it's currently starting to look like it's just been hit by a mudslide. One thing's for sure, this president isn't getting his face carved into the side of a mountain any time soon. Did you know John did the president overcharge the Pope before the journey back to Washington?

He certainly added on a few tolls and I'm not sure he took the toll roads or bridges. So, that's technical, isn't it? No, I don't know. I don't know. He's going to hell, but not for that, mainly. In a break from papal tradition, the Pope was wearing a very fetching on the shoulder ankle length white dress, elegance and leaving plenty to the imagination. He did not kiss the airport runway when he landed, which is a shame, instead he moonwalks and the aeroplane steps, span his mighter on his finger, and then body popped whilst chanting something about Jesus. But I guess you know traditions do evolve over time.

Different kind of charm, isn't intellectual? He's the 265th known Pope and the 16th one to be called Benedict, which means that when he dies they'll be able to have two rowing eights of Benedict's in heaven, coxed by the two John Paul's, and they'll then be able to reenact the 1987 boat race to their hearts content. That's what they want. They can do it. I don't know, I'm not a Pope. And I probably never will be, I guess, though. Well, probably. Yeah, that is probably true, Andy. There's a few things about you, I think, that the Catholic Church would object to killing their Messiah being chief amongst them Well, it was you really though

That's right you you support in the execution that's the point you part of the problem The Pope was here for his 81st birthday and and did you remember the Pope's birthday, Andy? Did you get him anything? Er, I didn't. Er, there you go. Well, go to hell. I've got him some biscuits. Well, I got him a Pope soap on a rope.

Er, they're selling them here. He can wash himself with an effigy of his own face. It's a bit of fun, come bath time, bit of harmless fun. I'm sure he likes a laugh, even though I have absolutely no evidence to back that claim up with. I have faith, Andy. I have faith that he likes a laugh, and surely he understands that kind of blind confidence in something with no facts to support it. The Pope's celebration opened MS at the National Space Ball Stadium in Washington, DC, where National's picture Chad Codera

gave out the ceremonial first wafer. But a poll showed that when he arrived, many Americans naturally know who he was. Is this true, John? I doubt it, Andy, because a quarter of the American population is Catholic. So I'm guessing that that is not a true survey. Are you sure that wasn't a survey of one guy conducted by a pollster out of the window of a taxi? Do you know these guys? What? Oh he doesn't know. Where are you getting this information from? The internet, John. But President Bush apparently told the Pope these words, in a world where some evoked a name of God to justify acts of terror and murder and hate, we need your message that God is love, to which the Pope responded by staring at him blankly, shaking his head,

staring at him again, shaking his head again, scratching his cheek, coughing, looking out of the window, scratching his other cheek, forcing a half-smile and asking him how the Texas Rangers are doing this season. Later, the Pope urged Americans to use their faith to inspire quotes, Later, the Pope urged Americans to use their faith to inspire quotes, reasons responsible and respectful dialogue, of which there's been a lot coming out of the White House. Recently, and President Bush was seen at this moment, desperately trying to suppress a giggle.

The corners of his mouth turned up, his cheeks started to quiver. There was a slight watering in the eye, a forced seriousness in the face, quickly replaced by the bottom lip tweaking a bit, the eyes scrunching up. Then the shoulder started to rise, the tightened the forefoot's way out and the president then bolted for the bathroom where he locked the door and laughed like a farmer who just convinced his favourite cab of the abattoirers a sports hall and they're going to play badminton. But the White House did throw quite a bash for the Pope and he the biggest event at the White House since we nearly burnt it to the floor

in 1814. One of our hilarious practical jokes. There weren't really taking it to the spirit in which they were issued. Just high jinks. Bit of harmful fun. But the speech at the White House was also notable for a number of other things. I mean, one, the Pope ended by saying God bless America. So, congratulations America. That slogan is now official. That is straight from the pontiff's mouth. A bush was caught on the microphone as he led the pope away from the podium, saying, awesome speech, awesome speech.

The kind of thing that you'd say to Barry and middle management after he finished his PowerPoint presentation on team building exercises. You really have to feel for Americans at the moment, Andy, because just when it seems bush can't humiliiliation them anymore, he discovers whole new ways. The Pope has been pulping it up for the cameras ever since he first got here giving it the big on the Pope wherever he goes. And he's been doing a few stadium gigs, whilst he sold out the Washington National Space Ball stadiums he said. And he's also holding mass for 50,000 people at Yankee Stadium, which is one of

the singular most godless places you will ever visit, and yet people will pretend to be pious while he's there. I think what they should do is take him to a Yankee's Red Sox game there, an actual game, because it will be great, so see all the fans, forced to watch politely and serenely, whilst pretending this was how they always viewed it. But what did Bush and Mr Pope talk about in their private meeting? I guess we'll never know because it's secrets and it won't come out until the official records come out some years in the future by which time will have forgotten and probably won't bother to look it up. So we will actually never know, which means that we therefore must speculate.

And I think the conversation would have run roughly on these lines. So what's it like being the most powerful man in the world? No, you tell me what it's like being the most powerful man in the world, Teeheehee, what a wrestle. That's how I think it went, John. The media have gone crazy for, in me, Randy, issuing the biggest compliments for someone with reaction reviews on birth control, whose decisions assist the spread of AIDS in Africa that I've ever heard. I guess that's what happens if the media believes that if criticizing you they risk burning in the fires of eternal hell. It makes you immune to bad reviews. You might want to remember that for the Edinburgh Festival this year, Andy. More visiting American news now and Gordon Brown, the current British

Prime Minister, but possibly not the future British Prime Minister, has also been visiting America. John, what has America made of him? They have not really been paying any attention and the due to this whole the Pope being here, business. This was a very bad piece of booking by the Prime Minister's people. Very bad. He was completely overshadowed. I mean completely, I'm still not entirely convinced he was here. If you see the Pope on a country's guest list, you should know that you're going to be completely ignored. If a tree falls in the forest and everyone is watching and cheering the Pope, does it make a sound? Well, only if it falls on the Pope. Otherwise, no. I think he's become obsessed with the Pope show.

It's because he's here. I can feel him. Really? He's here, he's landed now, he's landed. He's getting closer. I think I heard, I think I heard a Eucharist in the background there. Is that possible? Yeah, just try to... It might have been a cab, hooting. It's a little bit of a cab hooting.

Because while in Britain, John, we are beginning to think that Gordon Brown might be a bit miserable, Lord Desire, lifelong labour supporter, described Gordon Brown as being like, porridge and haggis compared to Tony Blair's champagne and caviar. He said that Brown was solid, nourishing, but not exciting. Which, I guess, is a fair point. But then if you live on nothing but champagne and caviar, the chances are you'll start acting like a prick and get into debt and wonder why people think you've lost a plot. And it's okay for you, not an American, John, having champagne or caviar Blair every now and again on special occasions like when you want to celebrate the opening of a new war or something. But we in Britain spent 10 years having nuggets of heavily processed champagne

and caviar force ram down our gallots and it made us heartily sick of the whole concept of food, if I may stress that analogy too for. The Pope says he regrets the various Catholic pedophilia scandals in the states were badly handled. Badly handled. That's not exactly the apology I was looking for. I think the handling is at best people's second concern with this matter. It's the whole, it happening thing which really irked people. Yeah, it was there. Well, it was really the children being badly handled. There was a problem. Oh, God, he's here. I can't, I can't have these here. I can feel him. I can feel, I don't want to talk about it anymore. He's here. The US

Catholic Church actually pays, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Right, the mind all that happened at all. I don't know, so it's probably not that good of a race. I don't know. I don't know. Well, I don't know about that, Andy. Sorry, I could hear you. I was reciting our father who art in heaven. In Latin. If that's better, then yes.

Were you drinking human blood and eating human flesh? Oh, oh, oh, I beg your pardon. I just wanted to find that fine line between Catholic and Cannibal. It's just a wishing to grey area for me, John. It's a lot easier to say when you are 3000 miles away from the Pope, Andy, than when you are about one. Other news now and a wounded Iraqi boy has been given two million pounds

compensation by the UK Ministry of Defence. The boy was given the pout because the shooting was accidental. Raising fears that similar compensation claims could be made on the grounds that well the entire war has kind of been a bit of an accident. We don't really mean to happen the way it has. It just kind of did. We're very sorry. Police don't ask us for money. In fact, he probably would have got less John if it had actually been a deliberate shooting. That is the curious nature of war. But I think it is a hugely positive development and history of warfare, John, because it basically gives war a new and exciting lottery element. And human history proved that people love lotteries that's why for example lotteries are so popular and elections as well yes my vote was the

winning ticket now let's find out what it was I voted for and also religion one of the great lotteries of life and death goodbye world come on come on please be a winner. Ah yes. I'll bring you guys. Bringing, I think bringing lottery into warfare just takes a whole political edge of it John, it's makes it more of a game and we just have the promotional cajones to promote it right. We'd never have to worry about overcoming determined guerrilla resistance again, they just all be lining up to take a bullet who cares who's invading if you could win two million dollars or a brand new tumble dryer. It's so hard to put a

price on alleviating your own shame although the I know I had a joke about the Catholic church here and then I don't know it's just different it's different with him here than when I wrote it when he wasn't here. Right. Um, I'm gonna pass on this joke, Andy. I'm gonna pass on this joke due to geographical circumstances. You've really lost your satirical essence to Popeye, glad that he's here. That's right. I'll be fine, come Monday when he leaves again. When he's f*** off.

I mean, leaves, when he leaves, when he leaves, when he is spirited away by the holy ghost. More news from the war on terror when details came out this week of some administrative glimpses into al-Qaeda paperwork. This was a recently declassified memo from Muhammad Attef in 2001 to a fellow terrorist and it's basically a letter of complaint. He said, I was very upset by what you did. I obtained 75,000 rupees for you and your family's trip to Egypt. I learned that you did not submit the voucher to the accountant and that you made reservations for 40,000 rupees and kept the remainder claiming that you have a right to do so. Also, with respect to the air conditioning unit, furniture used by brothers and al-Qaeda is not considered private property. It goes on to a key sum of stealing al-Qaeda stationery

and having too many bathroom breaks on company time. This West Point study of the documents paints a picture of, and I quote, bureaucracy and internal bickering. You so rarely hear the word bickering and alchide in the same sentence. Because you just don't assume that they're capable of degrees of anger. I think I just presume that they would be violently angry about everything and didn't have the capacity to be peeved, knocked, or a bit annoyed. But I suppose they must be, if someone spills coffee on your laptop, you can't just start wailing death to the west, you devalue the currency of your anger. Similarly, if you stub your toe on the corner of a table leg, you can't send a suicide bomber to blow

that table up. People will think that you're crazy than you clearly already are. It's wonderful to hear that they can get angry at little things as well as big things like the West in general. Just clink so as they're human, and I guess also like all of the big global brand names Al Qaeda does have to run a tight logistical ship. And I think it would be kind of ironic, wouldn't it? If after all these years of trying and failing to find Ben Laden in his hideaway in Iraq, he was in fact finally brought down by something like a rogue expensage claim or an internal Al Qaeda disciplinary procedure over stealing some black and red moat books from the station

there. Hi, pathetically speaking. Hi, pathetically speaking. I've never done that kind of thing myself. A British anti-terrorism official also said this week that they may have imposed the blindingly obduro nature of Egyptian bureaucracy. The official went on to say, you see that in the retirement packages they offered. The list of members in Iraq, the insecure attitude towards their membership, the rifts amongst leaders and factions. Hold on, hold on. A retirement package. It's a clichly retirement package. That is another detail that I did not see coming. Al-Qaeda

is not a business synonymous with caring for the welfare of its employees. It's like Walmart in that sense, although for legal reasons let me make perfectly clear that the comparison ends there. It nearly ends there. Who'd have thought that they had a pension plan? Here's the thing Andy, I don't have a pension plan. I'm less prepared for my old days than members of Al Qaeda. That does not sound good. That would actually be a great commercial for a pension scheme.

The average Al Qaeda member is better prepared for their retirement than you are. Call now. Is there any Al Qaedamber who maybe isn't really a fanatic, but if they're honest, is just in it for the benefit. Someone's being interrogated the Guantanamo now, so seriously I just looked at the benefits they had and I said to myself, Mahamid, how can you afford not to declare G-Had? With these benefits? Is there offering pensions to Al Qaeda members not slightly false inducements though, John, given that for many Al Qaeda workers' retirement consists of the time between pressing a button and hearing the word kaboom?

Hugo Feature Section Now and Leadership. It's all the rage these days, particularly in Italy, where they have taken the quite starting decision to re-elect Silvio Berlusconi, like a dog sticking its mouth into the same whops list for the second time in a day. They just got to help it. Well done Italians, get this and well, a fraud trial of Berlusconi colonies was suspended in February to allow him to focus on campaigning only in Italy. Only in Italy is it. No, you can't try for fraud now. He's running for office. There's a time and a place for that.

I've been in my job. This is the same country that voted collicular in only a couple of thousand years ago. So it shouldn't surprise us. Burlus colony has been accused of embezzlement, tax fraud, and false accounting, and attempting to bribe a judge. I'll tell you what you're getting with Burlescoanie, Andy. Another genuinely entertaining world leader, huge crook, Burlescoanie, massive crook. But he has to be put right up there with Chavez for some of his rantings. Here's something he said at a rally to win the 2006 election campaign.

Read the black book of communism and you will discover that in the China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilize the fields. Well done, Silvio. That sounds diplomatic. On left-wing voters at a conference during the 2006 campaign,

I trust the intelligence that the Italian people too much to think that there are so many pricks around who would vote against their own best interest. Calling the electorate pricks well done, and then finally, during the same campaign, I'm the Jesus Christ of politics. I'm a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrificed myself for everyone. Oh Silvio, it's great to have you back. The only difference with him and Jesus is that I'm not sure he's ever been found guilty in a trial.

Hahaha. I don't know if that's a fact or not. But it says good as a fact. Magal be update now and it's a tense waiting game into in Barbouille, a long delay after results, courts being asked to rule on the election. This kind of thing would never happen here in the US and E, apart from the time it recently did. But apart from that, it would never happen here.

But I just can't bear the waiting, John. It's just so... I just want to know who really won. And Magal be also, he's a showman, he's dragging every ounce of excitement out of this, you know, like a TV quiz master refusing to tell you whether you've got a question right or not. And I mean, it is fantastic TV. Yeah, so it's like, it's the equivalent of saying we'll be back right after this break. This time I'll give you the results right after this period of systematic intimidation. They're still waiting to hear confirmation from the court since in Barbay as to whether votes

against Magarby Count or not. It's a bit of a legal grey area. Oh right, okay, well, I mean that could be crucial. It could be crucial. US leadership update now and there has been an elitism rout erupting in the Democrat party. Barack Obama said that poor people in rural areas clink to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them out of frustration with their place in a changing American economy. And if you thought it couldn't get any worse, he said it in San Francisco, which most people in the heartland think is one of the circles of hell, if not all of the circles of hell. I think most people are overreacting and how offended rural people in America are by this

Andy. Rural people are very hard to offend here. They are hardy people. They are kicked in the balls by horses on average four times a day. And they just find it funny. But elitism is electoral cyanide for the Democrats. It's Sauroth, Al Gore and John Kerry as an issue. And much of the time, to be the...

...very saw off John Kerry as an issue. Well, that was after elitism was the appetizer. Much of the time, people in America complain about being talked down to by candidates and not being given enough respect. Then something like this happens and they claim they're given too much respect. He's not talking down to us. Who does he think we are? Hey, Lord Snooty, we don't all have butlers, you know. If America had to choose between being given too much respect or too little, it seems that they would actually choose too little.

Better than devil, you know. Unfortunately, this means the candidates are now involved in a competition for who can dumb it down the most. Democracy has essentially been reduced to how many cheese balls can you fit into your mouth contest. Look on the bright side, that is cheaper and quicker, and if it's still tied we can settle it by mechanical bull. Your emails now and this one comes from Evan Rosenberg. Please remember the name when you listen to the content of the email. Rosenberg. Who writes? Gentlemen, recently you asked us listeners to email you with who in history have been worse imperialist than either the US and all Britain. I have that answer for you.

It's the Jews. Rosenberg. Rosenberg. The Jewish people have been around longer than most other people and still haven't managed to conquer the world. Despite thousands of years of accusations that they are trying. At the time when they were slaves and Egypt and the Pharaoh was certain they would outpocket the Egyptians until the present day when they also clearly control the banks, the media and the weather, Jews have been poised to seize power all over the world and yet they still haven't done anything about it. Seriously, it almost looks like they have no interest in conquering the world at all. Regards, Evan Rosenberg, Rosenberg, PS. Rosenberg, have a Hag Sammiak Andy. Did you understand that John?

No, just been in. Happy holiday. I know that because I'm very, very good Jew. Okay, you got asked that. You're about as bad a I'm very very good to you. You're a bad of bad a Jew as it's possible to be. I can afford a pass over John. It's gonna be great this year. Really? Just your standard pass over is it? It's gonna be a good one. Did you know John? Did you know that my ex-dog Tash sadly departed now was also the prophet Elijah? I didn't know that. Yeah this is true because during part of one year when I was a kid there's this part of a

Passover dinner service where you open the door to let the Prophet Elijah come in. So you open the door and in walks Tash. So you know coincidence I don't think so. I don't know if I'm statistically. What are the chances of the dog that lives in our house walking through a door when it was opened? Having not been in the room and all of us having been in the room. 100 to 1, 200 to 1. And food being in that room.

It's just, I mean, just statistically she must be a larger. We have another email that's really just based, may remember a few weeks ago we did a story about Tibet monks. We have this from Patrick Delaney who says, I'm a monk in an Irish monastery. And first off, I say that's your podcast. It's very much helpful in the way that it gives me the moral support to keep on munking. Do you hear that Pope? He's munking because of us.

However, I was in raids to hear your statement that we munks were lazy, so I gathered up some of my buddies and we all smashed our heads through breeze blocks. I felt victorious as my fellow munks broke their breeze blocks, all of course, but a few are oily, so I don't really know what I mean. A few minutes afterwards, we were knocked out for a few few weeks so we could not respond to you. We gave the money to brother Patrick to mail all of our breeze blocks because we can't use technology. What? But he spent the money on backpipes and kilts.

It's getting weird. So sadly we cannot show you our accomplishment. Still, I want you to apologise to the whole monkish community. Does he mean monkfish community? Maybe. I do apologise to them but that's for eating one of them. I've quite a lot of apologize to do some monkfish community. But wrapping them in part of my hand, is that a crime?

It is a Passover. It is a Passover. Not just a Passover Andy, you can't eat it. I want you to apologize to a whole monkish community for calling us lazy and I want another from Andy for starting the horrible audio cryptic crossword. You can have it, you can't have it. My God be with you, your Patrick Delaney, who I would say Andy, and I'm not sure about this, but I'm quite sure about this, is not a monk. I think Patrick is a fake monk.

If anyone has a picture of Patrick Delaney dressed as a monk, send it to the view at times online.co.uk. We need proof. Cuttings from history now and another nomination has come in, this one from Brian O'Coller, who writes, My choice for hockey from history simply must be St Paul of the Bearded. Well, you've already got me interested. In the Middle Ages, continued Brian, St. Paul was apparently running away from an unwanted suitor intent on taking her feminine virtue. That still did exist, apparently, in those days. She ran into a church and prayed to God to save her. God promptly caused a thick, bristling beard to sprout on her face. The suitor ran off disgusted. Well, it's good to know they're gonna cross-fertilization of ideas goes on Between God. Because that sounds like a pretty ancient Greek thing for a God to do there. Not work God

While no pictures of St Paul survive continued Brian. We can only imagine how hot she must have been to require such emergency measures Well, Brian she sounds pretty damn hot. St Paul of the beard. It's Is there anyone hotter than her in history? That's up to you, Bugal listeners. Keep your nominations coming in, the Bugal at www.tonsonline.co.uk And as T.S. Eliot said, April is the hottest month. And thank you all so to all of you, those who've emailed in your support and appreciation for the hate mail we received from Will Indy last week.

Truly is becoming one of the great pieces of modern literature and we will publish the text in full on the bugle website at timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle. And now, loosen your nooses. It is audio crossword time to light. The world's finest audio cryptic crossword is heading towards the final few clues. Format amongst them this week's clue 12 across the first time such a clue has ever featured in the history of Broadcasting. It's five letters long and it's a clue that really warns us about the dangers of excessive expectation in childhood. And it is this. King of computing heads off each to themselves to find things with dragons' faces on that inevitably

crash to the ground and disappoint children. Five letters. Oh yeah, your weekend is taken care of. You will forecast now and there is only one possible place to have a forecast this week and that is Sheffield in the Crucible Theatre, the home of the world Snooker Championships. John, I imagine America is getting very excited about the Wilson. Oh, hugely excited. And of course, I believe it's the next stop for the Pope on his journey.

I think he's going to go and bless the Crucible. He's doing more than that, John. He is unpowering the McManus Ebtan match. Which could be a long one. Well, he could tell Ebtan to get a f***ing move on. I'd appreciate it. Well, my thought for them to get a move on. I appreciate it. Well, my thought for the world's new chemistry, John, is that the key ball is going to be the blue. I can just watch it. It's going to be a big year for the blue ball. And you see, key factor is going to be physics. I think that is really going to be what dominates how a snooker goes this year. I just want to see what O'Sullivan's new control policy is going to be what dominates how a snooker goes this year.

I just want to see what O'Sullivan's new controversy is going to be. We've seen him do everything, we've seen him swear at the ball, which I really appreciated. Flip in the ball the bird. That is one of the greatest sights in sport. Oh, you didn't go in? Well, it was nothing. I can't have been my fault. I'm brilliant at snooker. So good luck, Ronnie. Good luck, snook nothing. I can't have been my fault. I'm brilliant at snooker. So good luck, Ronnie. Good luck snooker. Go run! That's all for this week. Keep your emails coming into the view all at tomzonline.co.uk. Also a quick thanks to Ben. You sound engineer at the London Ender of the people who's leaving his job today. Thanks for your buck and twiddling over the last few months. Ben is going to head up a paramilitary resistance group in his breakfast. Good luck, Ben! Good luck!

I'm sorry, he's not coming back. Oh. I'm working on that, I'm sorry. Come on. Oh, that was not good outside. And these rumors just won't go away, Ben. They just keep coming up. We can last a little bit down and press stop on the photo.

Thanks for listening. We'll be back again. Next week, bye! Good bye and bless you all! Bless you he's still here, bless you all! He's still here! What are you gonna do for a birthday party? Why not? I'll take it if he's offering it!

He's still there! You can always go, well you know, he's got to start being on your gun! Or be it Andy that my career is heading in a direction which will send me towards eternal damnation as many people would think.