The Bugle - Kashmir versus Brexit - Bugle 4117

Episode Date: August 17, 2019

Andy, Aditi Mittal and Nish Kumar explore a series of light news topics with a whiff of British involvement - from Kashmir and the all powerful Modi, to Brexit and the paper weak British parliament. Features Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Please welcome Andy's ultimate Hello, viewers Thank you how I all You are hooray good that is Probably not the average response of people in the world right now, but I'll take it for this gig. Welcome to the Pugel, I am Andy Zoltzman and a very warm welcome and an aggressively Masonic handshake to the new town theatre here in Edinburgh, also known as Free Masons Hall, also technically known as the Grand Lodge of Ancient Free and Accepted Masons of Scotland. Freemasons traditionally, of course, insist that all members profess

belief in a supreme being. So come on people, bow down and f**king worship! Me or Chris, you're cool. Probably go for him, he's better organised than I am. I think I'll be caught about supreme being, to be honest. No, you're perfect. No one really knows what's going on. It's fine. Yeah, I guess when you come to think of it,

I keep forgetting to respond to communications, I tend not to get things done on time, no real tangible creations. It's not too dissimilar to some prominent Judeo-Christian deities, I could mention. I'm not a God-fearing man. And that feeling is entirely mutual. So here we are. Welcome to the Pugel Live on the 16th of August 2019. Yes, the 200th anniversary of the Peterloo massacre, which this audience evidently enthusiastically supported.

There's a protest against unfair parliamentary representation that took place in Manchester, led to the deaths of several innocent people brutally put down by the military and then an ensuing crackdown on dissent and freedom, or as it is known by Jacob Riesmogg, the high point in British political history led to the founding of the Guardian newspaper in accordance with the protesters' demands for naval gazing below the line comments

on opinion pieces on news websites. On this day in 1858, US President James Buchanan inaugurated the first transatlantic telegraph cable. But yeah, let's hear it for transatlantic telegraph cables. Are you American or just a fan? You are. Front row. Welcome. I mean Donald Trump for me has been an inverse Russian doll of f***ing

worry. Every time you think he's reached his limit, out pops and even bigger f***ing ... 50 years ago, as we speak, the Woodstock Festival was up and running. The line up on this day, the second day of the Woodstock Festival, 16th August 1969, included the speak, the Woodstock Festival was up and running. The line up on this day, the second day of the Woodstock Festival, 16th August 1969, included the Who, the Great Full Dead, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Rod Jane and Freddie. Someone for our older listeners. Snivelling Derek and the Winger's Leonid Brezhnev,

curious booking, anti-Mildred and the buckets of sick, and Jacob and the f*** harvest, which is Jacob Reece Mox College Band, would you believe? um, Auntie Mildred and the Buckets of Sick and Jacob and the f*** harvest, which was um, which was Jacob Reese Mog's college band, would you believe? Described by our viewers at the time as provocative, pro-yapick, and like, no other chamber music troop we've ever seen. He's a sadly disbanded after the harpsichordists died after overdosing on a croquet. Um, as always, uh, section of the bugle is going, where?

It's going, where Edinburgh? It's entirely corrected, it's going in the bin. In the bin this week today is Men's Gruming Day. I mean, every day is Men's Gruming Day for me. Do you know how long it took me to get my hair looking like this? I mean, every day has meant an ex grooming day for me. Do you know how long it took me to get my hair looking like this? 44 years, 10 months and 8 days. Now, we review... I'm not a piece of meat.

We review the latest male grooming accessories, including the ear pointer. The goblin look is increasingly popular after the success of the Hollywood blockbuster, Eric the Randy goblin. And the OOT tech ear pointer can almost painlessly scrape off up to 1.5 millimetres of ear flesh each day, sculpting your ears to an elegantly elfin point within just a fortnight, warning makers unquenchable bleeding and or tinnitus. The Invisibird, if you'd like to start with the latest facial trends and enjoy stroking your whiskers, but hate the way that birds look, the Invisibird could be for you.

It gives you the best of both worlds using Russian KGB developed technology to make your bristles invisible from most viewing angles, but enable you to stay hip and stroke your chin like a beat poet. The new, the neck news info scarf, part neckwear, part news ticker, that's got to be the future of facts, and the conscientious ET adact a simple eye accessory, a pouch of liquid, shaped like a cute mallard that you pop under your eyelids, and Bluetooth connected app will provoke tears when it detects a moving conversation to show how much you care about your world. Now it's time to meet our two guests for today's live bugle. You're ready to meet our two guests.

Good, because I want to be very awkward if that had been a no. It's well firstly, a great place to welcome, welcoming back to the viewers, done many, many, many live shows, a man whose body speaks, well, it launched several thousand ships. Please give it up for Nish Kumar! Alright, what the f*** is that? But I mean, what... Sorry.

We just got it out of the BBC archive. I'll be honest with you, it's not as inaccurate as I would hope. What I will say is that that body... So for people who's listening at home, Chris is photoshopped a picture of my face on the naked body of a gentleman who shares a skin tone with me and whose hands are tastefully covering his penis and testicles. However, what I will say is that man is hairless and if I was sat in that exact pose for a photo, it would look like I was wearing a sweater all over my body.

That's noted for next time. Chris made that on the train and he said, you know, it's weird, you get a lot of strange things when you Google naked Indian man. All I will say to that Chris is, I really feel like you should have seen that coming. Also, are you now banned from the train from London to Edinburgh? Yeah, if anyone can offer a lift home, that would be mac and free. Nice to see you both. It's nearly within the same room and it's nearly the one year anniversary of the date last

year when we did one of these live bugles that Andy's children attended and his son learned the word. F**k. Happy anniversary to one of the great fathers of our generation. You've got to introduce them to all the various beauties of the English language and the world as it is, I mean that's probably the word that he's going to use more than any other. LAUGHTER I've been around, I've been, since I last bugled,

I've been in two of the world's smuggiest countries. Ireland and Canada, who, by the way, can buzz Godf**k themselves. CHEERING Ooh, where Ireland? Our referendums go the cool way. Woo! Goddamn. Canada. Oh, just because our Prime Minister approved an oil pipeline in the explicit face of opposition from Indigenous rights groups and environmental activists, but still, he's not a rapist, so I guess...

...can smug. of his, but still he's not a rapist, so I guess... I guess... ...can smug. By which I mean, thanks to all the bugles who attended shows I didn't kill Kenny and Montreal. Also, I'm bugling drunk. I mean, I say drunk. I've had two sips of white wine. Oh, man. This is what...

This is what I had to get rid of, John. LAUGHTER Oh well. Well, in that case, I'm going to send this down, and HBO, here I come. Just reach the stage when there were three of us in every podcast. Right, let's meet our second guest, whom I'm assuming the graphic will not be quite the same as that one. Chris. I'm a tremendous pleasure to welcome her to for our first live bugle in this hemisphere.

She did one of the Melbourne shows last year. Please give a huge bugle welcome to wonderful Aditi Mittal. Thank you so much for having me, Andy. I'm so excited. I think they also Google naked Indian man for my picture. But that was the best they could come up with. Thank you. That's what I always Google, and I can't remember Gandhi's name. Sorry, I'm a privately educated Brit. That's just the way we roll.

I told my mum the line up tonight and my mum went, oh, a couple of Indians, well, one real one. She was talking about Andy. Yeah, she was talking about that. Yeah. Well, Andy drinks so much mango lussi, he is technically, his DNA is technically Indian. Our special secret, Nish. Right, we have a bugle first today. The world has been scarred by democratic squabbles,

and we thought we'd introduce a new one here. We're going to let you choose the top story this week, because the world is so unbelievably unremittingly miserable. We thought we'd give you the choice of two unremittingly miserable stories to choose from. So... Well, exactly. Thank you, sir, for clarifying the joke. I like a comedic heckle that is essentially yelling the subtext.

I think this Alan Partridge is a walley. is a Wally. You can choose between the latest from Brexit Britain or the Kashmir crisis. Fucking hell mate. That is an what an unappealing dinner that is. Two issues with,, let's be fair, British fingerprints all over the place. Some slightly more faded than others, but if you dust them both, they will be there. So give us a cheer if you want to hear Brexit first! And put us a cheer if you'd rather catch me a crisis first! Let's hear about something fun like Kashmir. Aditi, it's an awkward subject for a British person to talk just because yesterday was the anniversary of India gaining independence. Yeah, 73 years of independence from you guys.

And you're welcomed. So grateful. No, all children have to fly the nest at some point. I would like to say that from my perspective, this is like when England plays India at cricket. When when? that from my perspective this is like when England plays Indira cricket when when chill chill chill now room now her room there's your safe words and I told you to keep that sacred so when the British left India they treated India kind of like a Sunday roast they were just like cut it in any way possible. And then what's the juices leak out?

And now the gravy has come home, right? Now the gravy has come home. And when Kashmir joined India, it was given special status, which was article 317 in the Constitution, which made it have its own constitution and its own flag and everything. And then last week we sneaky bastards, we are now living in what is a fascist democratic... Yeah, we know, that's like dictatorship. So he is sort of a prime minister in the Reendra Modi, who is kind of known as the strong man of India.

He has been sort of building himself in the most puttinesque image, not the sauce, but puttine. And so he used Article 370 to abrogate Article 370, which was kind of like just paying your mom money to like put you in jail. And so that's what happened. And there's been a complete communications blackout for the past 10 days. But they're still trending Modi with Kashmir for some reason. I don't know how. If nobody in Kashmir is on the internet, I don't know what they're tweeting trending Modi with Kashmir for some reason. I don't know how.

If nobody in Kashmir is on the internet, I don't know what they're tweeting in support of. And I mean, I think the communications blackout to sort of prevent any kind of unrest. But I think they discounted taking away Twitter from the average millennial. And so, there have been protests across the state. And over 1000 people have sort of been taken police action against in the past 10 days. So in summary, exactly how close are we to a massive catastrophic global conflagration? So you know isn't it wonderful that it is also one of the most sort of fragile geopolitical

boundaries in the world right now? But India has a no-first use policy when it comes to nuclear power, which is also how most Indian men function in the better. And I can say. Family show. family show for the purposes of that joke. Chill, chill, chill. So yeah, unless Imran Khan has come out, the Prime Minister of Pakistan has come out and said he will give an appropriate response which I don't want to imagine what is.

But this is happening. This is happening, we're 10 days into it. Well, based on what Emron Khan has done in the past, his appropriate response will be unplayable in swinging Yorkers. Who's being in from way outside of Stump? So it's so frustrating to me that he is heading up Pakistan's government at the moment, because this is exactly the sort of situation where I'll be like, Andy, can you not

bring cricket into this? but it's literally impossible Modi is I mean For the diaspora Speaking as a representative of the Asian diaspora Modi is a complicated and divisive figure Yeah, he's been accused of like genocide. Yeah, yeah Complicated and this is I am actually my mother has banned me from my family what's happening because Ys gwybod yn fwyfnod. Mae'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyfnod o'r mwyf particularly some of the younger members have swung so hard in favor of Modi because in terms of like our Hinduism, we are a very specific type of Hindu and that type is shit

Right We're shit Hindus, we're shit Hindus, right? How shit are we Hinduism? I'll tell you how shit we are we all eat beef Ah! Hang on Nish Hang on This could get very competitive

Yeah Listen Andy, it's not a scope to my attention Hang on, Nish. Hang on. You know what? This could get very competitive. Yeah. Listen, Andy. It has not escaped my attention that my family is to Hinduism, what you are to do, Dism. LAUGHTER And what form a bit of your body have you had shown back on? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Andy, I never thought I would say this. Where did you have your foreskin sewn back onto? Which incidentally is also a game show format, I'm trying to sell... At the television festival next year. Yes, my family's embrace, or certain members of my family's embrace of Norendra Modi is essentially the equivalent

of if it turned out you removed your shirt and you had a full torso length tattoo of Benjamin Net in your hoax. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Well, Modi as well, he's been involved in perhaps the greatest TV show of the millennium so far. That's right, Manwit Man meets Wild, which is the Begrill show, which is on Discovery Channel. And...

This is not a fake, by the way. This is genuinely the democratically elected leader of the world's biggest democracy with bad grills. This is the fight. His real name is not bare though, it's Michael Edward, but he was called bare after his sister named him that when he was a weak old because I think he was like rummaging through trash and Brett Sm terrible. So that wasn't cuz he disbated off to the woods with a newspaper You know again in the sort of Modi myth making Industry this was right up there while Kashmir was burning

Modi was with Begrills. And, you know, this was supposed to be like an area that's teaming with tigers that they got into and then Begrill called them the Ninjas of concealment, which was great because not a single tiger was seen. And then they even sniffed elephant poop. At some point they picked up elephant poop and then they sniffed it, which was the elephant leaving a review of the episode before it saw the episode. And also there's like Modi told this amazing story. He told this amazing story about how when he was very young, he picked up a baby crocodile

from a pond because he thought it was a lizard. I need to get home. And the last time I heard of somebody picking up stuff from a pond and taking it home was when that lady kissed a frog. So I'm assuming he kissed the crocodile and that's how we got our home minister Amit Shah. The Guardian review of that programme is absolutely extraordinary. Chintra Ramaswami described it as the most tasteless TV ever, a monstrous propaganda stunt,

and the final words of the review are, genuinely, God help us all. LAUGHTER It's the worst review of a TV programme, since the last time I was on a TV program. It's absolutely, but I don't understand why should we be surprised by this. Why should we be surprised that Bear Grills, a sort of eaten, educated celebrity, Dung Smeller, is doing a puff piece with India's quasi-dictator leader, when two weeks ago,

like the concept of shame is dead, a fortnight ago, all of us refused to believe that a billionaire pedophile had committed suicide in jail in order to protect, potentially, members of the royal family and the president of America. The concept of shame is, remember when we were angry about duck ponds? LAUGHTER

Also, by the way, I think I speak for all of us when I say, after the hosting story, I'm very excited about season 7 of the crown. That shit is going to be dark. But you know what they say, teach a man to fish and he will start a 14 season survival series about it. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What happened when there's another version of that, which underpins the whole of global economics, which is give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day,

but lease him a fishing rod and he will feed you, cut-priced fish for a lifetime. You can always threaten to take his fishing rod away, so there's a very great incentive from to fish and fish hard otherwise. Now fish and therefore no income and then he and his family wouldn't be able to afford the imported process fish, which is all they can currently afford to eat. So, somewhere along the line, we've made some little mistakes. Let's, shall we move on to the very amusing story of Brexit Britain. Just quick breaking news.

The picture currently on the screen for listeners is of Boris Johnson and it has got a worse reaction than a naked photo of me. Now that is his reaction to a naked photo of you. As Churchill famously said, democracy is a rotting chicken nugget in a buffet of festering turds. But I'm pound paraphrasing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think by the time he finished with it he tried some shit about fighting him on the beaches, but that was absolutely the essence That's what that was the first draft It's I mean nish, I mean have you how are you enjoying our new supreme overlord?

Well, you know Boris Johnson is an absolutely extraordinary individual given that he's lost most of his jobs for a combination of incompetence and mendacity and yet now has ended up Prime Minister. We have to acknowledge at this point that Boris Johnson is less a man and more a performance art prank entitled, but if White privilege was a guy... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And, you know, he's cracking on with Brexit, which at this point is essentially like the James Bond film franchise and that no one can quite believe it's still going on. No one has any idea how to improve it

and it really seems to only exist for the benefit of four old white men in Kent. The latest rainfall in the ceaseless shitstorm is that in an attempt to reinforce the message that we are absolutely committed to leaving on the 31st of October, the UK is going to stop attending the day-to-day meetings that inform all of the bloc's decision-making, and the Guardian obtained a quote that an official had said that this policy was an attempt to show the EU that this is due or die. And I guess my question is, why is die an option? Why is that the only two? It's like somebody offering you a coin toss and saying heads or tails and you responding knife. Why is that option on the table? You've put that option on the table. on the table. I mean, listen, it's an absolute shit storm.

Boris Johnson has also accused high-level pro-remain ministers of being in collaboration with the European Union. Collaboration is a very specific term, very loaded term, and it either means one of two things. It either means working with the Nazis, I think, or it means two R&B artists working on a song. LAUGHTER And I'm pretty sure that Boris Johnson has very little problem with R&B music. Like, I'm not even sure he's aware of it due to its high content of what we call black people.

LAUGHTER Yeah, you say that, Nish, but I mean, in terms of collaboration, just makes a word for two people coming together to work constructively towards a mutually beneficial Ysgwch, mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r some where in his studies of the Second World War. I seem to remember reading some of the reviews of that Churchill book. And from what I can glean, it was basically one sentence about Winston Churchill and then Boris Johnson going, and now here are 10 chapters on how I'm basically the new Winston Churchill. It do or dies such a... why would you... like, I can't... other than how... what does that look like knife That's what it looks like to work because I like people I meet were broader like genuinely I just like what the fuck is going on? You know it feels like you're not been pregnant with a baby for three years

I'm your... I'm yours. I'm your still-don't-know-what-you-don't-know-it. Yes. All you know is that when that baby comes out, it's going to be angry and your family are going to be disgusted. Andy, I don't think you should make those kind of comments with your children in the room.

They were only in the room for, in the room for about 18 months. LAUGHTER My son did genuinely have to delay his arrival slightly due to a tense test match, but... LAUGHTER It's, er... It's, um, I mean, tough. I mean, I mean, at least he didn't say, you know,

we have ways of making you talk, which, I'm guessing, the next step in John Sonian, John Sonian rhetoric. Ie, ymdyn ni'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n gweithio'r ysgwyr i'n and pensions being a huge economic strain. Dual die could just be an option given to everyone over the age of 75. You either have to get a job or I'm afraid. I'll take a talk. Yeah, well, why not go all in? I thought you for a second you were going to suggest that that was going to be the options on a second referendum. and you were going to suggest that that was going to be the options on a second referendum. inexplicably, 52% of the British electorate voted to die.

Well, at least some of them have gone through with it already. You're not sure to see that in democracy. You know, I'm just delighted. This is the first time I'm seeing UK like England wanting to leave someplace willingly Just showed we've learned from our mistakes You cricket what more do you people want? We gave you cricket. What more do you people want? In Rankan, keep out of that. Oh yeah, he did, yes.

There's also been some research this week that suggests that Britain has spent 4 billion pounds stockpiling goods in preparation for a no-deal Brexit. The surveys found that 800,000... Now, Chris has brought up on the screen a picture of an amount of alcohol that can only be described as patriotic. Lots of people have stockpiling on food, stockpiling on drinks, and he has taken the unorthodox measure of stockpiling on cricket statistics. In the event of a no-deal Brexit, his children own eat,

but he will be able to tell them Rahul Dravid's batting average in the 2003-04 India Australia series. 123.8. Just in case anyone gets one. Then also, let's start... Why have you only gone to one decimal place? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER Sorry, I did it. I forgot that for a second there I just challenged Roger Federer to tennis. There also stockpiling luxury cars which is I don't know how much that's a stockpileable item who's like I need my emergency BMW. I don't know how much that's a stockpileable item, who's like, I need my emergency BMW. Bring it in, and so is that sort of what everyone was worried about in Brexit? What the luxury car? Yeah, they were like, I'm not going to have my Jaguars. Well, yeah, I mean, that was always the concern of the disenfranchised silent majority.

Yeah, that's right. That's why the will of the people was for night of forage to have another job. That's what it was all about. But it's lost my mind that you're actually willing to put yourself through this like semi-zombie apocalypse situation. It's only semi.

It's not 28 days later. It's just 14 days later. Also, I think if this comes out of the zombie apocalypse, then I think we've got zombie films wrong to be honest, because what it is going to be, it's going to be people who laid down their lives in various world wars coming back to life saying, for f**k sake you must be able to do better than this. That's all right, raise the f**king bar. I will say in defence of Hinduism as a religion, we do cremate our dead and what that means is no zombies. Or just a bunch of burnt zombies.

That's even worse. Oh my god, you're right, I hadn't thought it through. It's worse than we could have imagined flaming zombies Now that is a Bollywood script I will be co-writing with you What what I mean to stop piling is potential future prime ministers Because we're looks up we're gonna start getting through them a for rocious rates fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n fwyfnwyr i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i'n gweithio, o'r i and not worry about being a re-elected next time because they will have been chosen by the Reaper instead. LAUGHTER In fact, I will go one step further, even,

and say that anyone who is Prime Minister has a duty on the final day of their fifth year in office to commit ritual suicide off the white cliffs of Dover. LAUGHTER Let... Hmm... You cannot... Very positive reception to the Prime Minister from England killing themselves

from the largely Scottish audience. It's... there's great examples through history of honorable political suicide. Oh, sorry, Andy. I didn't realise you were running with this, really. I'm... I'm running with it. I'm jumping with it and I'm plummeting into the sea with it. So... ...incidentally, um, white cliff of Dover is the average Brexit voter. Did you know that? I'm sorry. Ah!

That was a hot... Now, the dismal. I'll tell you what, I'm sick of. I'm sick of comedians saying that we can't keep coming up with Brexit jokes. It is three years in and Sultzman has just absolutely dropped a huge joke on you people. That was an enormous joke. That was an absolutely extraordinary. That was the eighth wonder of the world. Other options, the Dream Weager Coalition of Atlean Churchill, Owen Morgan, the victorious World Cup. How many so many can get a job done over the line, or be it only with huge good fortune, which is really what we need.

The all-female cabinet suggested by Caroline Lucas, who's in favour of an all-female emergency cabinet? I am as well, because I'm a man and I admit that things have... we have fallen below our high standards that we accept for ourselves as a gender politically and socially, and I think maybe the time has got even I can accept that you know Things haven't going too well, you know whether you look at politics you look at you look at society and the time has come for us to step back and allow women to take over for a while and Go away regroup reassess just examine what we're doing learn from our mistakes and come back in 18 months time refreshed for another 10,000 years of Patreon

10,000 more years 10,000 years of Patreon. 10,000 more years! 10,000 more years! There's actually, in terms of what happens next with Brexit, there has been no way of telling what's going to happen next. Until now, using a series of complicated mathematical formulae, I have determined what is going to happen over the next five years. In an attempt to avoid doing the admin around Brexit, the United Kingdom will simply continue to vote to leave things. First, the continent of Europe, then the United Nations and finally the world. At which point, we, as a country, will attempt to strap rockets underneath ourselves and blast off into space. However, the process of strapping rockets to a country and shooting it into space will prove a little bit more complicated. At which point some experts will say it's a bit more difficult than

we were initially led to believe. But a lot of people will then just say, look, people voted to blast off into space. Let's get on with blasting ourselves into space. And when you say, how do you blast a country into space, they'll say, you're talking the country down when you should be talking it up into space. And that is a direct quote from Ian Duncan Smith, the delusionists. Because he's essentially been saying that this week, he's now saying that people who are working against no deal are betraying the British people. But most of those working against no deal want the deal to go through. They're working to get Brexit through on the Theresa May deal or something close to it.

So now in Nuggetsmith is accusing the people who are trying to get Brexit done of betraying Brexit. So it does seem that the Brexit hardliners have now disappeared so far up their own arses that they have now blasted straight out of their own faces again and are now staring suspiciously at their own face saying it too brutal. Because it's true like men have shit the bed on this one. Like they genuinely have at this point at this point she's just like you know this is like now men are the drunk guy at the party. And she's like, you're really wasted, give me the keys. I am not letting you drive anymore.

And so it's totally understandable. Having said that, you know, the people that she wrote to were all like white middle class, upper middle class women. And I don't personally, I mean, like I've got to stay in it. I personally, I'm a little very of white upper class women in general. Because there's this, there's a sort of like large

guess of heart. It's always like, you know, they're always like, oh my god, a GT. Like, I can't leave the country without some white woman telling me, like, oh my god, a GT. I contribute to charity all the time. I contribute for the price of one cup of coffee a month. I fund the education of 99 million Indian children.

And I always wonder about that, it blows my mind, because I'm like, first of all, drink your coffee. Because it doesn't make any sense for you to act like you're saving the world when you go to vote. You're still voting for racist assholes. That's what it was. So I am a bit very, I am a bit very, but I think this is a great call. I can't wait for you to start your new charity campaign. White women, please drink your coffee.

LAUGHTER Drink your coffee, use some of the caffeine you're obtaining it to make less self-destructive decisions in the ballot box. LAUGHTER BELL We haven't done enough in this show about multi-millionaires wishing death upon 16-year-old girls, you are our millionaires wishing death on 16-year-old girls correspondent.

It's a specific brief and it's one that I take very seriously. Aaron Banks has, he's shout the better game. Aaron Banks was a key financier of Brexit and one of the members behind the leave.eu movement. This week he sort of jumped on the bandwagon, which is one of the stranger latest trends in the right-wing commentary act, which is criticising a child for trying to save the world. So Greta Tunberg is going on a two-week zero carbon trip to sail across the North Atlantic to go and address the UN and she's 16-year-old and you know people are always saying young people really need to take an interest and it turns out when they do people go oh no not that

interest you should die. In response to the Tweet Aaron Banks quote tweeted it a'r ddoddau, a'r ddoddau ar ymdyn, a'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddoddau'r ddodd oeddwn yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn fydd yn would approve of, I hope he enjoys them. Knock, knock. A dead child. A dead child who was trying to fight against years of corporate self-interest, being prioritized over scientific fact, culminating in a situation where mankind is on the verge of climate-based annihilation. OK, it's not my strongest. OK, it's not my strongest.

OK, let's give this one a go. Doctor, doctor, I think this child died. Oh no. Okay. Okay. Again, it's not my strongest. I, in the reality of that joke, the doctor was just trying to observe his part

in the hypocritical. Okay, this is my last one. Let's give this a go. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottishman walk into a bar. The Englishman says, Ha, ha, ha, a child is dead. And also, Brexit means Brexit. The Irishman and the Scottishman agree to go to a different bar

and stop hanging out with the Englishman because he's a f*****. LAUGHTER Got it! That's for you, Aaron Banks! Oh, my God! We got a sense of humor after all! Listen, it feels like Brexit was John just to trigger you lefties.

That's what this whole thing was about, wasn't it? Aaron Banks was also one of the people named in the Panama Papers. So he would know a couple of things about offshore accidents. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Right, so just one final story before we leave. There's been a major find of dinosaur relics, apparently. And a couple of my friends. Jesus Christ,, and a couple of my friends really enter dinosaurs,

Denzel and Betulon, they were going to launch a new dinosaur exhibition and she couldn't decide what to wear, but she likes to look like a Republican tiger mum, but she couldn't find the right to close the wear for her top half, and Denzel has been said to model herself on the form of vice presidential candidate, yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn y fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac yn fwyfnwch, ac well literature as well they used to collect relics from some of the great writers of the 19th century including the iron boating implements of British sisters who collectively wrote loads of novels but those those implements had sadly due to time oxidized but they were still very proud of their Bronte's all-rust. That was so... That was so torturous that I honestly think I can have you up in the hay. That pun violated the Geneva Convention.

Sorry, it's fostling out of it. Fizzling out of it. Sorry. At another friend who was a global warming scientist, Sorry, it's fostilling out of it, fizzling out of it, sorry. LAUGHTER At another friend who was a global warming scientist, professor of university, and he came up with this way of measuring the advance of the melting of the ice caps based on how quickly the ice houses of the local population melted. He became known as an igloo-warned-on. The audience had just reacted like you took a shit on the stage.

I'm a friend from Bangkok. A friend from Bangkok. Adam Fren from Bangkok, who is really interested in ships that had sunk. And he heard about, there was a Russian naval disaster in the Second World War, and he found that they'd discovered all the relics of these, these ten ships that had sunk. But he had to get there very quickly, this chat from Bangkok. And he, well you managed to do it, Tyran and Saul, Russian Rex. Right, that's it, that's it, that's it. To be honest, yeah, I mean, you might criticize that, niche, but you know, I'd rather do puns than do anything gratuitously gross and edgy, so I won't try a sick joke. But

other online audio comedy shows will do that,? Is there a pod that do that? Right. Touch me, I'm real. Right. I absolutely, I absolutely love the fact that you said that you hadn't written them and yet somehow you got through it. And to paraphrase the famous dinosaur-based documentary, Jurassic Park, when it comes to pun runs and his ultimate

like life finds a way. Well, thank you very much for coming. Do you go and see a DT's wonderful show? When is your show? My show's called Mother of Invention. It's an assembly, John Square, the box. The box. Nish, are you doing shows this week?

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing Monday to Saturday and the show is called it's in your native to destroy ourselves It's the show that people on the bugle have heard me plug for a full year And I am about to ring the last suds out of that soapy soapy sponge I'm doing a satirist for higher at stand 3 4 30 every afternoon and political animal is on Sunday to Thursday next week at 11 30 Oh, so I think very much for coming until next time goodbye on Sunday to Thursday next week at 11.30 also at the stand. Thank you very much for coming.

Until next time, goodbye.