The Bugle - Ketchup! (4190)

Episode Date: April 10, 2021

Andy is with Felicity Ward and Nato Green to either spend three hours talking about the passing of a 99 year old man, or talk about ketchup. Apparently there was news this week.We have a(nother) NEW SHOW. Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanFelicity WardNati GreenAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ross Ramsey Golding.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBugelPodcast.com to support the Dancing Lagarde Reader. Join me, Tiff Stevenson, for a new series of tiny revolutions.

The podcast where I invite guests from comedy, music, TV and film to talk about what has been revolutionary to them and inspired their work. You'll hear from people like Armando Ianuchi, Maisie Richardson-Cellars, Simon Neal from Biffy Cliro, Roisin Connity, W. Camubelle, NATO Green, Al Madrigal and more as they give a glimpse into the art, politics and movements that have shaped their lives. A new, bugle Podcast production of tiny revolutions with me, Tiff Stevenson. Subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugles.

And welcome to issue 4,190 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a world which isn't really sure if it's allowed to be visual anymore because no one is sure of anything anymore. I mean, are you actually allowed to listen to this? Not if you're doing it whilst in a crowded warehouse with 15,000 randomly selected maskeptics and conspiracy theorists from the world's most COVID-addled countries you're not. Sorry, rules are rules on this show. At the point is, please listen safe with a mask over each year, and you had at least six feet away from the rest of

your body. I'm Annie Zoltzman. It's the 9th of April 2021, a day that sadly amongst others, science was marry curie, Spanish painting celebs, Francisco Goya, Greek poet Saffo, and their renowned corpse, Otsi the Iceman, did not live to see, makes you appreciate every second, every sensation, every sausage that life allows us. Joining me today from San Francisco, USA, it's NATO Green. Hello, NATO. Hello Andy, hello, Nito. Hello, Andy. Hello, butlers. Um, Andy, uh, I, I told my 12-year-old that I was going to be doing the bugle today and, and they said, is that the one with your friend with the clown hair?

So that's how my kids know you. Right. Okay. Plus how my kids know me as well. as well to be honest. And also, Johnius, from here in London, is Felicity Ward. Hello, Andy and NATO and Buglers. On the theme of clown hair, I have been running from a gig before. This is a couple of years ago. And a group of youths yelled, run, side show, Bob, run. I had my hair out. And so I would have been upset, except it was very funny. Yeah, I mean, too. When I think back to my early years on the stand-up circuit, most of it was just being heckled about my ridiculous hair. So it's good that I mean, this is, you know, this is passed down the generations. So your legacy, that's what it is. We are recording on the 9th of April 2021, on this day in 1860, Edouard Leon Scott Matanviela made the oldest known recording of an audible human voice on his phone autograph

machine. He recorded himself, they think, singing O'Claire de la Luna, a French folk song, meaning O'Claire, you absolute lunatic. But if you play it backwards, it contains coded warnings over the world about the dangers of militaristic imperialism leading to two global conflicts within the next 100 years. And also prediction of that year's Eurovision Song Contest would be won by Sweden's opera singing sensation Jenny Lind, with a catchy, ditty entitled, Ooye Touch Me There, written by Hector Berliot. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Well, in fact, the section in the bin this week

is the rest of the show because all news has ended temporarily because Prince Philip has died. Well, not so much died because he's royal. He is to all intents and purposes and immortal being, but he has ceased to be alive in the traditional sense. This news broke earlier today, the 99-year-old Duke of Edinburgh, snicked off to the reaper just two months short of his 100th birthday, missing out on the much treasured letter from the queen that is sent to all sentenarians. Also, slavishly mimicking my own grandmother, who also pegged out one short of the hundred mark, although my late grandmother edged out the jook

when it comes to fluency and reading Hebrew and tendency to keep kosher, so an overall will win for Pearl's ultimate there. Now, he departs the scene as the longest serving royal spouse in history, and it has to be said that some of his predecessors from the distant past really did not put up much of a challenge there, mentioning those 16th century wives of Henry VIII for example. And I mean you have to say that the major coverage of his death here in the UK stands in stark contrast to for example Ann Bolin who received

a far less positive and gutting media response than she sadly passed away in 1536. I mean it is totally dominated the news here today. I mean when a major role of end such this happens basically life completely stops in Britain for between I don't know 10 and 40 years and the Duke of Edinburgh was best known of course for being a cricket fan. He was a lifelong patron of the Lord's Tavanus charity. Although it remains unclear to this day if he had any involvement in the pelting

of Bugle co-host Nish Kumar with a single bread roll at the Lord's Tavanus Christmas fundraising lunch couple years ago. The Duke as far as we were never explicitly denied role--trolling niche, although he was not on the guest list for that particular lunch, nor has niche received any. No, it was niche. Well, niche has not received any form of knighthood or other sundry gong in the Queen's Honours list, so you can draw your own conclusions from that. You mentioned his work, Ethic NATO. He retired from public life in 2017 having completed a personal best 22,219 public engagements. Well, that's that's um, and that is a hello. He's heroically overcame

repetitive strain injury in his waving and ribbon cutting muscles as so many royals have to think of the air miles he had to do. Andy, don't downplay it. It's a lot of time on a plane. It is a lot of human power. Probably a boat many years ago. He must have been a Delta Platinum member. Oh yeah. He had a lot of points. Well obviously there's no other news in the universe right now, but let's, but let's, but then there is for the sake of our non-British or more correctly, our non-currently British listeners, because surely, in tribute to the Duke's life and works, all countries will volunteer to join or rejoin the United Kingdom within minutes.

But it's been a time of great upheaval in the United States, also NATO, following just three months after the trauma of the capital riots, 160 short years since the Civil War began and a near tens of thousands of years since the first human migration to the American continent. There have been further ruckians for your star-spangled in nation because you're running out of tomato ketchup. I mean, this is a complete catastrophe, isn't it? Well, Andy, you're almost right.

It is a national emergency, and it's wall-to-wall news coverage. But we're not running out of ketchup. We're running out of ketchup packets. Right. The little sachets, specifically all of them, the ketchup itself. Yeah, we have plenty of ketchup. The means of delivery. But it's the ketchup up vector that we're,

it's the great catch up package shortage of 2021 because of the pivot to take out orders. We ate all of the packets of catch up while we've been sitting at home. And meanwhile, if you're following along, there are 690 million people in the world going hungry. So the, and so they, If you're following along, there are 690 million people in the world going hungry. And so, some restaurants have resorted to recognizing the depth of the crisis have resorted

to buying ketchup in bulk and dispensing it in individual cups instead of packets. And so... I mean, that shows the scale of the catastrophe, doesn't it, Nighter? That's right. Yeah, serving generic, non-branded ketchup. No, I mean, do we fight the Cold War for nothing? I mean, you must have just cut to the chase and call it squirty-star in-source, right? That's right. So, and I would say that when it's international news that you have changed the tiny container for a condiment, we have run out of news. So it makes me miss the early days of the pandemic when we were talking about yeast and like

how meth labs were retooling to convert to make hand sanitizers out of expired sour cream. But during the catch up, as a result of the catch up crisis, I learned that the Heinz corporation has a monopoly, 70% of the catch up market, and they say the United States is a polarized country. But when Obama said there's no blue America, no red America, he was clearly wrong. There is a red America and it's ketchup. So, and so to meet the surging demand for ketchup, Heinz is cutting back on other products in production in order to turn out more ketchup packets. So it's just gonna shift the problem, obviously. So instead of the shortage in ketchup,

we're gonna soon have shortages of tartar sauce, a product that Heinz offers called Mayo Chup. I don't know. And pickle relish. I think it's a blended mayonnaise ketchup. Right. In one thing, if you are too lazy because you're an American and if you're God-given right, to have two containers of mayonnaise and ketchup

and then put them both on your thing and blend them if you want them in the same container because sometimes you want ketchup and sometimes you want mayonnaise and sometimes you want both so you need to have three containers and some two. So, I mean, you have Mayo Chop. I mean, I don't know if any, yeah, anything like this is ever, have a struggle Australia for the tragedy of this magnitude. I may have spoken about this. I'm not sure I've spoken about it at length on many podcasts. I can barely keep up. Genuinely in 2011, there was huge floods in the state of Queensland.

And there was a great bananas shortage where bunches of bananas were $17 a kilo and I'm surprised we don't have a minute silence for those prices every year because that was that was look I'm you making light of this I think this is a very serious very serious problem and I don't know if this is any different to you you know, the past shortage or the toilet paper shortage, I just think I've got the World Health Organization, I just now urging Americans to keep a small bottle of hand sanitizer and ketchup on their person in case of COVID emergency at all times. That's a good advice. It is good advice. And what I love is you know they're already banking a movie about this you know it the

great is like it's called catch up question mark catch down right and stars Julia Roberts is a single mum working at a fast-food chain store and then when Heinz can't keep up with demand she makes her own recipe and her own sauce and it has that special ingredient and Oscar winning performance. In other American news, Joe Biden has announced a $2.3 trillion infrastructure program. I mean, this is a lot of money, isn't it? I mean, that's 650 billion is going towards domestic infrastructure, according to the plans, such as broadband internet drinking water, housing and higher education. NATO, this looks dangerously like things ordinary people might benefit from. Is this an act of great political self harm by Joe Biden in the context of American politics?

Yeah, Andy, so there is a panic on the right about whether the infrastructure bill is they're calling it a Trojan horse for things that are not infrastructure. So it's provoked a raging debate about what is and is not infrastructure. So former New Jersey governor Chris Christie said, oh, now the car economy is infrastructure. I don't even know what the car economy is, which is sort of a self-own because no one cares about him. Republican rep, Tom Emmer of Minnesota called the plan to fix bridges and send people to college,

a radical left socialist agenda. And, you know, I wish. But- Well, I mean, if there hadn't been bridges in St. Petersburg in 1917, Lenin would have just been stuck by a canal, wouldn't he? And I was getting it. Yeah, right. I mean, Lenin actually crept into St. Petersburg by rail. So I mean, he bridges for trains. Yeah, so that's true. But notably missing from my perspective from the infrastructure bill is a massive expansion

in American guillotine production, which I'm as part of the radical left socialist agenda. But they, clearly what they mean is that infrastructure, like when they talk about infrastructure, they're, you know, the Republicans are, they like the idea of infrastructure, but they're horny for cars, is the technical term. They want stuff that, like, the infrastructure

means man stuff, it's, they want burly men all greased up, you know, with tight shirts on and hard hats, moving rebar around and welding. Is there a video of this that I can watch, or? Yeah, so they want infrastructure to slip into something more comfortable. They want, the Republican idea is that infrastructure is like the first minute and a half of every porno.

So that's the idea and that, but it could be anything. Like infrastructure, you know, that they're talking about funding. The fact is that most of the job loss in the last year of the United States was jobs with women. That... Few. Yeah, and so where the economic stimulus needs to be is to address towards restoring gender equality or moving towards gender equality and never storing it. So investing in college, investing in housing, investing in elder care and childcare to deal with the gender division of labor seems like a useful

thing. And it will stimulate the economy. It might even tickle the economy's balls and push the spectrum on the economy. It might even tickle the economy's balls and push the pressure on the economy's taint. It's a technical term. So I'm just thinking. Well, I mean, how likely is it for this, for much of this project to actually get through? As I say, there's many a slip between cup and lip and there's also many a destructive part as unsquabble between an initial bill and final watered down, neutered actual legislation. I mean, are we going gonna be looking at anything much more than a new park bench somewhere in rural Pennsylvania?

Well, I think there's probably going to be a bill in some form and Mitch McConnell has vowed to fight it every step of the way. The Republicans are worried about having a pandemic outbreak of a functioning government that is meeting people's needs might unrealisticly raise expectations, and then you can't have that. But, it's gonna be a dog fight through the legislative process, through the Senate specifically.

And so, where, you know, the institution that was designed basically in order to protect slavery, and that's the gift that keeps on giving. So, here we are. In other American news, the Georgia voting law is, of course, in further rations in American politics. The Georgia governor, Brian Kemp, said in a statement after signing the bill, President Biden, the left and the national

media are determined to destroy the sanctity and security of the ballot box, which coming from the Republican governor of Georgia. That's a bit like Ronald McDonald telling you off of playing your music a bit too loudly near a sleeping cow whilst you have your headphones on and whilst he was holding a revolver to the cows head that he had just fired. I mean, it is, there's a stench of hypocrisy about Republican concern, Republican arguments around this, aren't they? There is, I would say that that is a disservice to the word stench. So, you know, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp stole the election from

Stacey Abrams in 2018 and then in 2020 she helped elect two Democratic senators from Georgia and the outbreak of democratic participation is an outrage that needs to be stopped. And, you know, and so they're introducing limitations, like limiting early voting and Sunday voting and they want to stop volunteer. They want to close polling places so that people have to wait online for a huge amounts of time in order to vote.

And then they want to prevent volunteers from giving water to people waiting in line to vote. This is one of the weirdest details. Oh, yeah. You could go to jail for a year for giving someone a bottle of water. What if they drown Andy? What if they drown?

Oh, God, you're a fortless. What if I was moose? So the, but it's like, and so Republicans introduced more than 250 bills in 40 states to restrict voting rights in the last three months. And it's pretty incredible. And what's, what I appreciate about it is the degree of like just sort of mask off naked politics about it, you know, that, that, that we are just ready to admit now as a nation that when we said that we were a democracy, we didn't mean it. Like, we wanted to say that we were a democracy and have just enough voting that people could continue to do, and by people, I mean politicians, and the ruling class could continue to plunder and murder their way across the globe.

And that if the actual public participated in the democracy and followed by following the rules, that was not the intent. And so they're trying to make voting harder in order to discourage black people and young people specifically from voting. I think Democrats should retaliate with things that will make it harder for Republicans to vote. Like, you can't vote unless you listen to an immigrant. Or you can't vote in order to register to vote. You have to be able to list every Denzel Washington movie. So the arguments are, it's interesting to see the right wing intellectual apparatus, like the national review and these other, like I've seen Twitter threads from conservative

think tanks arguing against voting. And the arguments are like, well, obviously we all agree that we don't want everyone to vote. I mean, a lot of Americans are stupid and they shouldn't be in charge of stuff. And we don't let five-year-olds vote. If you want to make it easier for people to vote, it's the same as you want to let five-year-olds vote. We all agree that there should be some limits.

And that's a pretty fun slippery slope argument. That's not a slippery slope argument. That is a greased Bob S sled run argument, isn't it? Yeah. And, you know, I think that this right-wing argument that you don't want to let stupid people vote could really backfire on them. Andy, I'm sorry if I've talked about this before, but I talk about it any time the word election comes up. But Australia do so few things well that I need to spread the word of our voting gospel.

We're very good at it. Okay. Let me give you, let me paint our picture. Number one, everyone has to vote. Everyone, if you're well read on politics, you have to vote. If you're a stone-cold idiot, you have to vote. That means anyone can then talk about politics because they have voted. They have contributed. Number two, it's on a mother-fucking Saturday, yeah? Every year, every election, it's on a Saturday. 64% of Australians

work weekdays, 82% of Americans, and I couldn't find the exact figure for the UK, it's somewhere because Mum's tired, but it's somewhere between 60 and 80% of British people. So even if you didn't make a compulsory, 70% of your population could vote in person. Number three, it's at schools, churches, public halls. If you're blind or low vision, you can vote by telephone. We've got mobile voting facilities that are set up in rural areas, hospitals and nursing homes, which actually seems pretty cruel to deny them a day out, but we won't go into that.

You can send in a postal vote from the day they announced the election. If you can't make the day, you can send it from overseas. You can't not vote. They don't give you a physical option. It is harder to eat breakfast than it is to vote in an Australian election. Now, number four, this is the most important thing. We have sausage sizzles at nearly every polling station. What's a sausage sizzle? It's the food truck of your mother fucking dreams. That's what it is. A sausage sizzle is a fundraising event whereby a mobile barbeque

is set up by a local dad who volunteers at the local fire brigade and probably has a drinking problem. But he loves to raise money for the kids, for the country women's association, for his own beloved fire brigade who are ironically and desperately underfunded by the government who the punters are voting for. But now, what he's selling is a very low-cost cooked sausage, which is placed on a single piece of buttered white bread, covered in fried onion, and probably tomato sauce. We have plenty of it in Australia still, no shortage there. Then you fold up the piece of bread into a triangle

and it's served on a thin, absorbent, useless paper napkin. We then have cake stalls. We sell $2 soft drinks, or pop, as you call it in the UK, or soda, as you call it in America. Sometimes they even have a terrible local duo playing covers of the rent brands. It's a pleasure to line up. You hope the line doesn't move too quickly. So you can get another sausage sizzle when the fresh batch of sausages come through,

not the ones that have been sitting there for an hour and a half. We all, we also call it since the, in the last five years, it's been named the democracy sausage. It has its own fucking emoji on Australia Election Day. You write hashtag democracy sausage, you get a little sausage sizzle in the corner. Well, the sausage is surely the greatest possible emblem for democracy because it's generally best not to know

what happens behind the scenes. And it's also made up of little bits of pieces of all different components of the body and it's put together in a nice, tied sack and it's tied at the end. And what is a nation if not a sausage? Testify. Thank you. Thank you That NATO I'm last couple of times you've been on you've you've told us about the destroy catch and you've been involved in involving medical stuff in

California can you give us an update on that? Yeah, Andy so Felicity you may not know this about me. I am the America's only semi-functional hybrid of comedian and union organizer Thank you. So, regular listeners to the bugle will remember back in October, the bugle had a fully unjustifiable break in the stream of bullshit so that I could report live from a healthcare worker's strike in Oakland, California. I had organized 3,000 health care workers in the public health system to walk out. And that was back in October. When my twins were born, my wife and I were both deliriously tired and also had postpartum delusions of grander. Like when the babies were born and we hadn't slept for more than two hours at a time and then

Independence day came on the television and I was like, yeah, I could defeat an alien invasion for these babies. Like that's how striking feels. And if you've never done it, I recommend it. Just people are like, what are you striking over? And I'm like, fucking striking, you know, like what do you mean striking over just to do it? So the strike ended, but the negotiations continued until today, actually, so today,

we just finished a week of voting to ratify the new Union contract, a little bit punchy, having just helped settle the contract after a 40-month battle through the pandemic. I'm incredibly proud of our campaign because we didn't just win. We got to raise for the workers and new safety protections. But in addition, in the course of the,

as a result of the strike, we also wiped out the entire senior leadership and governing board of the public health system because they were incompetent and corrupt. All the bosses got fired. It was a historic strike and I wanted Google listeners to know that it ended in success. The public health workers mostly, it's a workforce that's 80% people of color, many low-age workers feel like it's the best, most successful union contract

they've had in 25 years. I have no jokes. I'm so happy and so excited and so proud of you, even though it doesn't affect me at all. It's just like, yeah, to be able to affect change in such a widely underfunded, underappreciated and vital service, like essential vital service right now, especially, is extraordinary. Congratulations, Nate. I've also been very busy away from comedy. I now have an Excel spreadsheet in which I can compare all test cricketers

against their teammates, opponents and contemporaries. So we've all been making good use of our spare time. Yes. We get it, NATO, like you've done some stuff, Andy has two, okay? Come on. A final bit of American news. More Joe Biden news. He's starting to take steps to address the issue of gun violence in America, describe the epidemic of shootings in America as quotes and international embarrassment, rather as his speed assessor described it as source of patriotic pride. I guess there's two sides to every potato or even every potato. I mean, he's cracking down on ghost guns, which guns are symbols from kits that

can't be traced because each individual component isn't technically part of a gun. This is pretty much exactly what the founding fathers were trying to protect when they drafted the Second Amendment. It wasn't just about having you well-regulated militias. It was also the right to constructs a lethal implement from various bits and bobs lying around your house. Yeah, and it's, and they're, they're, they're, they're ghosts, so they're magic. It's, uh, boo, and then you shoot someone. That's how it works. Yeah, this new initiative would get in the way of our National Murder Suicide Pack

that we have with ourselves. The gun violence in America is so weird. I feel like it's the peak of white privilege. Like if you spend any amount of time in the third world where they have a lot of violence and then you try to explain mass shootings, it's completely confounding to them. Like they're like, oh yeah, of course, sure. in any amount of time in the third world where they have a lot of violence and then you try to explain mass shootings, it's completely confounding to them.

Like they're like, oh yeah, of course, sure, you need guns to defend your village from the rewarding John Joed malicious and kidnappers. Uh oh, no, that's not what you're using for. Oh, well then of course you need guns because you're starving and you need to steal food. Uh oh, no, so what do you need the guns for? I'm sorry, what come again? You need guns because you're mad. The Vice President of the United

States is a Jamaican Indian lady who's good at the electric slide. Like, clearly you have too much food. Yeah, it's usually a girl said no to me too many times. That's been the base of it, a lot of it. The amount of misogyny, and I use the word misogyny, in its most truest form, the hatred of women, the amount of mass shootings that have been based on someone who has been rejected. And this is not a joke. shootings that have been based on someone who has been rejected. And we just, this is not a joke.

We need to deal, we need to teach young men how to deal with shame and their feelings and rejection. And none of that is about the feminization of men. It is about understanding the human condition and that all of those feelings are part of all people and that we all have to learn You know women learn to deal with shame Sure, sometimes it's putting a lot of food in their mouth Sometimes it's watching every Julia Roberts movie there is it doesn't you find a way

But guns are not the answer guns. No, you sit down and you write a country in Western song or a poem. That's what, do that instead. You get a stand-up comedy. Yeah, that's right. You're telling me there's misogynist in stand-up comedy? Come on. I mean, breaking news. Why is it that Biden is caving in to the unpatriotic stop

innocent people being moaned down by gun-toting lunatics, lobby. I mean, it's, you know, it's just, it's rolling over, no, before the woke conspiracies, liberal efforts to allow children to go to school without the numbing fear of sudden death haunting their every lesson. It's a, it's, it's a, it's a great capitulation by the new president. by the new president. One of the things about raising children in the United States is my kids starting at age five started experiencing school lockdowns like where there was, you know,

the police were chasing someone through the neighborhood and they were worried about a shootout so the school had to go into lockdown mode. And so my kids have learned how to assess the degree of danger from different types of lockdown. And you know, that's, that's, is that more a more useful thing than then then learning, you know, Xylem, Phylem, Shunbin,, species, genus, whatever. Sports news now and, um, Felicity, you are, um, the Bugles, uh, wedgie aggravated sporting injuries correspondent. Um, it's been a busy, busy time for you this week, I know. Yeah, and a tough day for journalism. There was a football game in Australia,

the NRL, the National Rugby League, and a full-back Dylan Walker got tackled. And was given what one of the commentators called an atomic wedgie Then what happened is the Dylan went to reach for what they thought was just pulling his pants back up But then looked like he was an extreme pain effectively what happened it looked like a guy got tackled so badly by a wedgie That he then had to go off the pitch Well the field what actually happened two things one he pulled a hammy, his hamstring went, and that's why. But also a really upset that this has been called a wedgie by the commentators and by the journalists. His pants got pulled down. That's a dacking. That's not a wedgie or wedgie goes up. Everyone knows a wedgie goes up. What injury are you going

to cause by pulling his pants down? You're not getting, you're not getting like, oh, I've pulled my embarrassment muscle. Oh no, I've strained my dignity. It doesn't physically hurt to pull your pants down. Pull your pants up. We all know who goes right up the crack. Right up the crack.

And it hurts. It can smile. A dacking hurts inside, but a where she hurts outside going in. Right. I think scientifically, I could imagine a scenario, it seems like a marginal case, but I could imagine a scenario, it depends on how big your balls are. Where if depending, this is probably a math problem, but with dependent, there's the ratio of the relationship with the size of the balls and the speed and intensity of the dacking is what you called it.

And what's the side to side? Because that's how Newton discovered the Newton's cradle, I think, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, now I understand what you're saying. You're saying that a firm grays or a bang by the dacking core cause injury. I thought you were talking about the wedgie and how to make it even more atomic if you had massive balls and a very small tape they could be caught up in that equation as well. And I mean, we see this with clearly a lot of thought

goes into the design of trousers and shorts for use use and top level sport and I don't know if I mean the rugby league, rugby league is a violent physically violent game. Is the wedgie a league? I'm not I end off the pitch actually. Well very much so. Is the wedgie a legal manoeuvre? No, no. I'm not sure if you remember it was probably probably 15 years ago now. It might have been 20, but there was a, an NRL player whose move was to stick his thumb up the butthole of his opponents. That was one of his moves and he ended up being booted from the league. Right.

Because no one could see it. Right. And of course, the shame around the homophobia and male assault, no one's gonna go, he stuck his finger up my ass. They're like, oh yeah, no, I'm sure he did. You wanted him to, you know, because Australia does. So what does he progress? He's pretty much after a tackle,

rather than chasing someone down the wing. Yeah, he did nice on the hitchhiker. He doesn't have his thumb out. It's a last minute move that he pulls in like he tackles and as he's going down, he went, I know it's ironic that the popping noise happened when he went in, but that's how tight I'm just gonna stop that sentence.

Oh, we're learning, we're learning. That's what I do, Andy. I'm here to teach, I'm a teacher. Well, that almost brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Before we go, a quick other sports sports stories, the start of the major league apprehension season. And we go over now to join our marginal sports correspondent in America, Woll. Yes, Andy, the major league apprehension season, about to begin as a particular edge this year as we emerge tentatively from lockdown and the season opening clash between the Boston Tremblers

and the Anaheim and the Anstyans. Could set the time for many people to predict and could be the most competitive season in MLA history, the Tremblers reigning MLA East Champions of course after being too concerned to fulfill any of their fixtures in the 2020 season. They bring new signing, per mellus, jarke into a potent lineup. Jarke expected to take on the answer. Future Hall of Famer, Cassandra, Golan Wine and the head-to-head fluster. Jarke reportedly set to unveil a new being so wary of social contacts as to be even more anti-social off the lockdown than during it. But will that have enough broad heft to overcome G Goal one as well, how in range of existential concerns about the future of the

planet classic contrast of stars and tactics in the off in there and the elsewhere this opening weekend and a lot of negative vibes. And Miami threat me to the Florida for Bowder Drome look out for the vibes as top draft. Picculean Plores to was so impressively negative about his impending MLA debut at the press conference on Thursday, he looks to be banging for there, Andy, and the natural butterflies, they'll be coming out in a cold sweat against the Jacksonville Jitteras, whose reluctance to try new foods and weariness

of all social change might not please the neutrals, but it's always hard to beat. So a exciting season, set to start this weekend, back to you with the studio Andy. Well that brings us to the end of this week's this week's Bugle. A pleasure having you both on any shows or other things to plug. I actually, if there's any Australian listeners, there is a, I'm in a drama series. I'm in a very sensible drama series called Wakefield which is available on iView in Australia or available on iView if you

have a VPN anywhere else in the world. It's very illegal, don't do it but I'm just saying that option is there and it's going very well. All episodes are available and then it'll be on TV on the 18th of April in Australia on the ABC. Nice OOD shows coming up. No live shows coming up. You can check out there's another podcast that I go on regularly called The Bituation Room with Francesca Fiorantini,

where we have comedic interviews with prominent left wing thinkers. So check that out. Thank you for listening, Budalus. We are reverting to Monday recordings for the next couple of months as the news quiz is back on radio. For you can find that on BBC Sounds or on your radio or just listening to the echo from the clouds.

That starts again next week. Our next recording is Monday the 19th of April with for the first time Chris Addison, guesting on the bugle. Do tune in for that. In the meantime we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and click the donate button. After strolling down the sunset strip in Los Angeles renowned West Hollywood and finding herself a mile and a half and where she started, Stephanie Grace got to thinking that a more exciting road for a stroll would instead be the Mobius strip, on which she would walk the same distance as the sunset strip, but end up more usefully back where you started and more excitingly upside down. Stephanie says, I think it could be a real boost for the

Los Angeles tourist industry, everyone would want at least one go on it. Caleb Kogan sometimes passes the time by holding knockout tournaments to ascertain the most useful household implement and is currently building up towards a potentially classic semi-final showdown between Spoon and Trial. Hard to call this one, pundits Caleb, after Spoon beat Tape measure in the quarters I thought it was nailed on for a final spot, but Trial as always underrated will be full of confidence after beating Hammer in the quarters of course.

Praveen Das, a keen observer of Caleb's tournament, tips spoon to win through to the semis. Yes, the Trial is one of the all-time gardening implements, says Praveen, and can actually be surprisingly useful around the house in particular for serving salads, removing somnol and bees, and diverting small water leaks. The spoon has to be favourite though, as well as its core meal time function, it can do a trial like job in the garden, and entertain children and adults when buffed up and used as a funny mirror. Monika Francis wishes the syllable zinc had not been wasted on a metal. There can't be many more satisfying syllables to say than, zinc, says Monika, I feel it should have a multitude of uses, rather than just being a label for a disappointingly brittle metal that isn't nearly as shiny as the name Zinc suggests

it should be. It should be an adjective for something simultaneously invigorating, but fun. That was an absolutely Zinc day out at the seaside, for example. Susan Bursing is absolutely on the same page as Monika. Zinking, I feel, should be a verb meaning to slip, fall, slide and bump into something, but emerge uninjured and amused, says Susan. I absolutely zinked off my bike into the local green grocery store at the market yesterday. Watermelons everywhere. That would be an example, I would also suggest zinking as a term for a delicately played snooker shot. Ronnie was in a little bit of trouble there, but he's played a lovely little zink on the

bluer now Elon needs snookers. And finally, Ellen Warren chips in with her periodic table word wasting gripe, claiming Malibdenum is also a disappointingly attributed term. Obviously says Ellen, Malibdenum shouldn't be an obscure element, it should be an extinct large legubrius, shuffly beaver type animal that hibernated for 48 weeks of the year and slept 23 hours a day for the other month. Furthermore, while I've got the periodic table at hand, Antimony is quite clearly a missing cryptocurrency, and arsenic is what happens when you sit on a pair of unlicensed scissors.

Here endeth this week's lies. Goodbye.