The Bugle - Kiss The Hate Away

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

JD Vance continues to do the opposite of shine, the Labour Party are bad at politics, and who cares about moths? Andy is with Alice Fraser and Hari Kondabolu.Hear more of our shows, buy our book, and help keep us alive by supporting us here: thebuglepodcast.com/This episode was produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4316 of the world's longest running weekly covert instruction manual for how to successfully conduct a coup in an unstable 19th century European monarchy. It's all there if you listen to the right words in the right order. I'm Andy Zoltzman. It is the 23rd of September, 2024 as we record and I'm joined by what? Two veterans of the relaunched bugle. Uh, one who's been here almost since the start.

And firstly, the man who was alongside me in New York when this show relaunched almost eight years ago just before the 2016 presidential election, Hari Kondiboli. Welcome back. When you compare now with eight years ago, how's your kind of general sense of balance of optimism and pessimism? Because I know you're famous on this show for your perennially sunny disposition. I mean, honestly, has that much changed? I mean, I don't know. It feels like things

haven't changed much in the last eight years. Like Obama's still president. We're still laughing at Joe Biden as the vice president. Like, it seems like we're still in sunny days. Well, progress is a curious beast that moves in many directions simultaneously, seldom forward. Also joining us from sunny London, I'm actually up in Durham in the north of England, where it's currently raining a lot. And I'm here to watch cricket tomorrow, or just to watch puddles.

But anyway, joining me from London, Alice Fraser. Oh, Andy, what a pleasure it is to be in London It's currently raining a lot and I'm here to watch cricket tomorrow or just to watch puddles. Anyway, joining me from London, Alice Fraser. Oh Andy, what a pleasure it is to be in London to witness the lurid green of Brad's summer making way for the more subdued autumnal colours of arsehole fall, the cool darks of self-inventalising winter that have lasted way to the bright floral spring. What a time to be alive. Well, I mean, it's been insanely wet in London to the extent that... Yeah, it has. High five.

It was pouring through the ceiling of my bedroom at home last night in, I don't know, some sort of metaphor for the general estate of the planet, that even the ceilings are now weeping. Well, I've made a terrible mistake today, Andy, which is that I came into the studio where we ordinarily record The Bugle when we're in London, but of course you are not in London, Laura is hiring, and therefore I would have been much better off being at home where I'm not clean enough despite this here being the office of an audio studio, the sound quality is way worse. Anyway it brings a different texture to the show. Yeah that harsh resonance of a meeting room is what the people's feeling wanting. Can I be honest with the both of you about something? And I promise I won't be honest

again for the rest of the program. I think I have a hangover. Oh, right. Any particular reason? Well, last night I had a plantain infused rum and I'd never had plantain infused rum. I don't think the apparently that was the issue. Oh, you think it was the rum? It might've been the rum. And it was a lot stronger than it. And I don't drink very much, if ever, maybe like a few times a year.

And I just happened to have this rum. And I woke up with a headache and I've spent most of the morning trying to figure out Why I have a headache and I I think it's a hangover, right? So you're you're both in countries where they drink a lot. What am I supposed to do at this point? Well, I mean, I think the traditional British response is to build an entire national culture around Drinking alcohol. So that's that's an option for you. You know, we could just declare yourself a nation. You think I should turn to alcoholism as the cure for the hangover? That's basically the British way. Alternatively, just watch sports all day.

I mean, I generally find that's a cure for pretty much any ailment, minor or major. Okay. Well, I think you ought to go with the old classic traditional try regretting every choice you've ever made. I don't think it's worked, but a lot of people are doing it. So get on board that. Doesn't that lead to the drinking as well? Also just continue the cycle of abuse.

I don't know about you. I tend to self-medicate with work. The difference in British drinking culture, I think we used to drink to forget the past and now I think we drink to forget the future. Well, give it a try. We are recording on the 23rd of September. Tomorrow, the 24th, will be the ninth time this year that the day, the 24th, has been the same as the last two numbers in the year.

So off in the way in September. What a coincidence. And on the 26th of September, it will be 337 years since the Parthenon, the celebrity temple in Athens, was blew up. It was bombarded during a siege, and it'd been used as a gunpowder depot by the Ottoman garrison. And if that doesn't justify us Brits

stealing all the statues more than a hundred years later and clinging onto them now almost three and a half centuries later, I don't know what does. Obviously, there's a different attitude towards old temples in those days, where they used to think, oh, that's a beautiful building that seems quite old, what should we do with it? I reckon, let's use it as a cupboard, but not just any cupboard, a cupboard full of

explosives. What if it goes bang? It won't. Pillars stop things going bang, do they? Yes. Right. It's the 17th century, we just make science up. Andy, I really blame those early statue fundlers for the Kardashians now.

Yes. Because if all of that colourful paint hadn't flaked off all those nice Greek statues, people wouldn't think that monochrome is classy. Right, that is an angle on a classical art that I've not heard before, but I like it. As always, the section of The Bugle is going straight in the bin. This week we review the latest seasonal technology, including the new wireless e-pumpkin, the must-have Texas River, this year's Halloween. Not only provides an automatically adjusting level of scariness depending on the age stroke

edginess of the person looking at it using face recognition software, but also emits a UV filtered spook glow that doesn't disrupt your circadian rhythms. Also it connects wirelessly with the dead using an occult Wi-Fi crossover technology so you can have a nice catch up with a late relative or even with the premium model, a dead celebrity from the distant past subject to signal. Not all dead celebrities like being contacted may result in death. And also on the market this week, the to signal. Not all dead celebrities like being contacted may result in death. And also on the market this week, the Seasonal Suit. Do you want to break free of the seasonal cycles that tell you what the prevailing weather is where you live? Well, then you have two choices.

One, move somewhere where the weather never changes. Seize the Season body suits. You simply choose your preferred season from classics such as autumn, spring, winter, and of course summer, and enjoy the sensation of heat, cold, damp, damp winds or sogg as the built-in heating and refrigerating elements toast you up or shiver you down and the unique sleeve jets blast you with hot air, frozen water and everything in between to recreate the sensation of anything from torrential rain to potentially catastrophic heatwave warning do not use in direct sunlight or when it's actually raining and also we review the latest de-automizing It's Still Summer virtual

reality goggles which makes it seem like the leaves are still on the trees and that we're not heading towards another few months of bleakness. That section in the bin. What an active imagination you have. I don't know if it's an active imagination or a fear of reality, Harry. Yeah, potato potato. Top story this week, America goes to the polls. Well, voting has begun, in-person voting has begun in some states of the USA. We are six weeks from Election Day when most people vote are six weeks from election day when most people vote. Six weeks until the world sees the results of the quadrennial endoscopy into American politics is a presidential election. And frankly, I would not want to be the camera

on that endoscope. Hari, have you voted yet? If so, how often and how hard? Let me first say I appreciate the compliment. You didn't go with colonoscopy. So I appreciate the endoscopy Though you are inaccurate is colonoscopy No, I have not yet voted. I'm a purist I want to go the day of where I feel the most tension and fear That's what voting should be. A lot of people not into early voting. Two men separately attempted to end early voting by trying to kill one of the candidates.

So clearly not big voting fans. I mean, it's being implemented in kind of a strange way. So far Virginia, Minnesota and South Dakota are currently have early voting with a few more to come later. But I think it's great that South Dakota has early voting because you would hate to think all 15 people wouldn't get to vote because of their busy Tuesday schedules between staring at the various rocks and collecting the various rocks. I've always thought voting should be online though.

I get the possible corruption, but at least you'd get more numbers. We could even use it as a capture, you know, like you have to vote in order to enter your most favorite porn site. I'm sorry, I've never done comedy hungover and this is very hard. This is incredibly difficult. I'm like trying to get words out and I'm like, how do comedians in the UK do it? Because they're all hung over. And I'm like, this is extraordinarily hard. I had written some really funny things and I can't get the words out clearly. This is horrendous. This voting six weeks early, Annie, I think it's a terrible thing. I feel like if you're voting now, you're saying you've already made up your mind, but you're

lacking six weeks of potential additional information. How do you know that something won't happen in the next six weeks? So we'll completely change your mind about who to vote for. Surely one or the other political candidate could present a policy proposal that would completely upend your previous loose affiliation to a particular party. So I am getting a phone call, Andy, please excuse me. What? What? You mean there's been comparatively little discussion of policy over all in favor of mainly ad hominem attacks? Uh-huh. And the majority of voters in America are fully convinced that no matter what either party says, the ones on the other side truly

intend to come steal their rights, push over their grandmothers and personally throw their children out the second floor window into a ball pit Full of scorpions the moment they attain office and some of them might be right How did you know to call me What do you mean you're listening to the bugle? We're just recording it right now. It's not even out yet No, I know that people who are listening to me now are listening to it when it's out, but I'm recording it in the past. No, I'm not a time traveler. I'm not a time traveler. I'm asking if you're a time traveler. He's hung up. Sorry, Andy. Back to the polls. I think Trump has officially announced that he is going to be throwing babies out of windows

and doorpits full of scorpions. So I mean, that's now I think that is basically an official policy. But you know, that's why I think you should be allowed to change your vote up to the last minute. You can vote early, but all of a sudden, if like Trump says something like he knows Harriet Tubman and thinks she did a good job on the subway or, you know, there are good people on both sides of a mass shooting, you should have the right to be like, you know, I've always voted red. This was the fringe one.

I'm going to change it. Do you think, I mean, why do we have to just do it once we go? Yes. I think you should be able to change your vote off the results have come out as well. I think that would help. Trump would never have gotten elected is what would have happened the first time. Yeah. Trump has said that only he can save America from the threat of democratic rule.

It's not clear if he means from the threat of the Democratic Party or from the threat of a functioning democracy. He and his acolytes seem pretty skeptical about both and obviously to see them as one and the same. One of the difficulties Trump has is that he appears to have chosen as his vice president a man who is an unremitting f***wit in JD Vance. Alice, I know you've been fascinated by JD Vance and his contribution to global idiocy. He seems to have an impressive knack of saying and doing The most predictable but still appalling things a trained instinct honed over years

So it becomes second nature so he doesn't even have to think about it Not watching John McEnroe volleying a tennis ball or Patrick Mahomes inventing some space at quarterback where they seem to be none So too with JD Vance, but he's just saying and doing stupid things instead of playing sport Which is why I find it less engaging It's truly impressive. It's like William McGonagall on poetry He's just he can't believe that he's not doing it this badly on purpose Most recently he kissed his wife in public as a way of sort of trying to erase the fact that he'd said It doesn't matter if you're eating curry at your dinner table or fried chicken

It doesn't matter if you're eating curry at your dinner table or fried chicken, things have gotten more expensive thanks to her policies, which was read as a comment on her mixed ethnicity. It's so depressing to me that he then goes out and kisses his wife in public because the two options are either that JD Vance is not racist, but he's choosing to say racist and inflammatory things in order to dog whistle a white supremacist voting base, or he is racist and married to a woman from Andhra Pradesh, which means that he's the kind of racist who likes to bring his racism home so he can be racist in bed at three o'clock in the morning when he wakes up from a nightmare and just have it right at hand, or he's so racist that he has specific theories about specific races in a hierarchy that excludes women from

Andhra Pradesh but not women whose mothers came from Tamil Nadu, which is such specific racism. It always goes into not being racist at all. You know, it's like, have you heard about Mexican John? He thinks the first season of Shogun was unparalleled watching but is skeptical about him milking the premise for a second and third season. Classic Mexican John. is skeptical about him milking the premise for a second and third season. Classic Mexican John. Let me just say as a person whose heritage is from Andhra Pradesh, I am offended by their union. Also just a little context to what JD Vance said, you know, he made those comments and

kissed his wife in response to something that a Trump supporter, a public supporter said, Laura Loomer, she said that the White House will smell like curry and White House speeches will be facilitated via a call center. And so first of all, like, let's focus on the second thing. What's more American than having a call center set up to save money using foreign labor? That's not in India. Secondly, the thing about it, the White House is going to smell like curry. You're welcome.

Like, if you've never eaten Indian food, what is the problem here? That you're going to salivate all the time? The insult will smell like curry in the, and white house speeches will be so that the smells like curry part. Where did that insult come from? My, my fourth grade bullies, like that is such an old out of date insult, um, to, to the point where Marjorie Taylor green said it was racist. And I've never seen her as a supporter

of civil rights, but on the Indian smell like curry issue, she has taken a stance. And so JD Vance's response, you know, about making a mean, like chicken curry, and about dietary preferences, that was him being a little coward, right? Because he's in this situation where like he Should say something because of his wife and kids and at the same thing. He doesn't want to piss off the racist Constituency in his party, which is apparently quite high so he doesn't actually say it's an awful thing initially. He goes and meet the press and tries to avoid it. I mean, the thing, you have brown kids, you idiot. Like, what are you gonna tell your kid?

Daddy doesn't believe in that mean comment, but men of character have to be willing to sacrifice their brown family for the greater good of the ignorant masses. Once I get power, I promise to let you visit Mommy in the detention center. Like, absolutely. And what they didn't catch in the articles

is that after he kissed his wife in public, this was caught on the side, he did for breeze his suit and whisper the words, Ooh, gross. So just keep that in mind. Right. Um, that's the kind of journal investigative journalism that we pay Harry Condor both of the big bucks for. I've got to say I've have been enjoying the showdown between Marjorie Taylor Green and Laura Lumer.

Marjorie Taylor Green who sort of reminds you of like maybe a gym teacher who's still on a supplement that got discontinued about 12 months ago but she hasn't learned about it. And Laura Lumer who looks like she's got illegal injectables from the man who invented mad cow disease. The man who invented mad cow disease? Yeah, oh yeah, he was the original mad scientist. He invented mad everything. He invented crazy bargains, mad cow disease. He invented crazy bargains, man cow disease. This might be slightly more damaging for Trump, although it's very hard to know what could possibly damage Trump.

Can you further damage a completely... If you have a priceless Ming vase and you then smash it to pieces with a sledgehammer repeatedly every day for a year, can you further damage that vase? I'm not sure that's possible. But more than 100 former Republican officials have endorsed the Democratic candidate, Kamala Harrison, called Trump unfit to serve as president. And as Oscar Wilde famously said, when one person from the party you pretend to represent

publicly endorses a candidate from your only political opposition, that might be considered unfortunate. When two do it, it looks like carelessness. When more than 100 senior members of the party do it, it looks like the opposite of carelessness. It looks like you have been conducting a campaign of deliberately calculated ****. The officials who signed it include national security and foreign policy bigwigs who've served under every Republican president since the 1980s. They've served in various departments, defense, treasury, the State Department, justice, homeland security, commerce Department Justice, Homeland Security Commerce.

They've served in Congress, they've served in the White House. Former Defense Secretaries, former CIA directors, state governors, Uncle Sam signed it, the hat wearing personification of America itself, the fictional comic book superhero Captain America and the ghosts of several former Republican presidents including Dwight D. Eisenhower and Teddy Roosevelt took some time out from his attempt to wipe out all wildlife in the Elysian fields. So when that many Republicans have turned against Trump, is it, I mean, I don't know, if you are a traditional Republican, it must be a really baffling time to see the shattered remnants of the party that you've probably supported all your life.

When George W Bush is considered the golden age, yeah, probably not the best time. He said that Oprah endorsing Harris was not the real Oprah or not the Oprah that he knew, which I feel like we should address that more clearly, just because it's kind of a wild statement to make. Presumably he feels some sense of reality television show host solidarity has been betrayed. But to say that it's not the real Oprah, or not the Oprah he knows, first of all, nobody knows the real Oprah. Not even Oprah, the whole show, the whole Oprah show is about Oprah being on a constant journey of self-discovery and affirmation and the illusion of constant progress

towards self-acceptance is undermined by the fact that the show keeps f***ing happening. It means that she's failed constantly, it means that she's failed to reach sufficient equanimity and equilibrium because the prospect of another couple of billion dollars still feels like it might fill the void within despite the fact that it has similarly failed so far to do so. And so to say that anyone could ever know the real Oprah is hubris beyond imagining. I mean, it is possible, of course, that Trump is right and that it isn't the real Oprah and the real Oprah has been kidnapped by Haitian immigrants who've set her to work in forced labor in a cat farm and replaced her with a bogus Oprah to try and skew the election.

That's, you know, I mean, that wouldn't be the most ludicrous conspiracy theory we've heard from American politics recently. So I for one, I'm happy to buy it. That is something I will post on QAnon later. That is something I will post on QAnon later. That is ripe. This letter from the 100 plus Republicans said this. We believe that the President of the United States must be a principled, serious and steady leader. And to be honest, I think one out of three would be okay. It's the fact that it's zero out of three that is I think a problem.

Just one of those three. Just let's not reach for the stars when we just wanna get down a tin of beans from the shelf. Let's be, let's say, achievable goals. He hasn't lost all Republican support. No. He still has the support of the governor of North Carolina, Mark Robinson.

The only problem is that it was revealed that he allegedly once called himself a black Nazi and proposed bringing back slavery in comments posted on a pornographic website. So, you know, he has that guy. And honestly, I think, first of all, he calls himself a black Nazi, but he's also denied the Holocaust in the past. So isn't he just being honest? But I feel like that You rarely get on as politicians Also, who doesn't regret writing things on porn sites? They wish they could take back later You don't think I wish someone would have stopped me from

think I wish someone would have stopped me from writing that I wished someone would make a porn video of Nehru having sex with Edwina Mountbatten while Lord Mountbatten watched. You don't think I believe that should be funded? That I should be correcting it? I'm sort of amused by the internet slithery that led to the discovery of this. Who is reading the comments left on pornographic websites and going, ah-ha, political activism. Yeah, that is a little... Well, of course, a lot of people do visit pornographic websites, not for the pictures and the videos, but for the articles, or the comments underneath.

It's always been that way. This letter, just going back to the letter from the 100 plus Republicans, we firmly oppose the election of Donald Trump. The letter says, as president, he promoted daily chaos in government. Now I'm going to just pick up on a few things in this letter that I think they're being a bit harsh on Trump for. I mean, because surely daily chaos is better than, you know, random fortnightly or monthly bits of chaos, because at least you can plan around it when you know,

every day it's, you know, that's the kind of constancy you want in politics. Um, they complain that Trump praised our enemies and undermined our allies. I just see this as reverse psychology. Uh, it's like dog training, you training, dogs are evolutionarily our rivals, but we praise them when we get them and they become our friends. So maybe that's just for too long in human history, we've been showing appreciation and support for our allies and hostility towards our enemies. And has that really done the world any good? Maybe Trump is a visionary.

He also, they also complain that he prioritized his personal interest above America's interests. Now Hari, is that not the most American thing any American can do? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Like, the selfishness, the single-mindedness to your own cause? Yeah, absolutely. Liz Cheney said that a new political party may be needed due to what Trump has done. Can we refer to her as Nepo baby, Liz Cheney?

She'd appreciate being called a baby because she's not young. But I'm not sure. The idea that a new political party, I'm all in favor of new political parties, but essentially America already has a new political party because the Trump publicans are essentially a new party. Are they not? A virally mutated perversion of an already questionable entity. So do we actually need another new one? What if it's worse?

Do you think the wigs are coming back? It's time. You know, the 90s are in. Do they mean the 1790s? What are you talking about? Well, the 1790s is pretty much when it started going wrong for you guys. But it's not getting really wrong. Yeah, right.

The 1880s weren't too good. All right. You tried it in 1812. Didn't work out, did it? Tried to make a comeback. Never say never. So, I mean, Trump is on record of supporting the North Carolina governor like he has literally said He is Martin Luther King on steroids

Now first of all Martin Martin Luther King on steroids some would argue that was Malcolm X Martin Luther King on steroids, some would argue that was Malcolm X. Secondly, are you saying that Martin Luther King could hit 50 home runs? Because even with steroids, I don't know if he could, to be perfectly honest. I'm not sure if he was really a baseball guy. He had an eye for it. Yeah, for our younger listeners, Malcolm X used to be known as Malcolm Twitter. Show canceled. Boo! Oh man.

You know, I mentioned you on stage sometimes, Andy. Did you know that? No, I didn't. Did I ever say that? No. I'll be on stage and a pun will come out of my mouth. Right. And I will say f***ing Andy Zaltzman.

Right. And the two bugle listeners that are at the show laugh hysterically. Well, you know, if you get two people laughing at a show, that's basically 66% of the audience I've found. Nice. That's basically 66% of the audience I've found. Nice! UK news now and, well, the Labour government entering its party conference, first party conference since it won the election at the start of July, has found itself somehow mired in controversy after a relatively short period

in office in which it hasn't done very much yet. All the attention is on sleaze, I don't know if it's corruption, but basically taking free gifts from party donors, having spent a lot of time when they were the opposition complaining about sleaze in government. Now, this is not to say that Keir Starmer and accepting free clothes for his wife is on a level with multi-million pound dodgy COVID contracts. But when you have spent so much of your time complaining about the previous government behaving in that way, you really ought to avoid without the previous government behaving in that way, you really ought to avoid doing things like accepting free clothes, accepting free tickets to Arsenal versus Wolverhampton Wanderers to a Taylor Swift concert, to an illegal unlicensed bare-knuckle fight between

Rishi Shunak and Boris Johnson. It was difficult to be fair. On the black market, those tickets were going for hundreds of thousands of pounds. Or even Miffy Unleashed the no-holds-barred outright trash-talking conspiracy adult live show by the popular fictional rabbit finally telling it she really sees it but and also I'm not gonna you know say how our free clothes and football ticket scandal here in the UK compares to what other politicians in other countries get up to maybe it's just a sign that we're losing our edge as a nation that this is the kind of controversy that could rock a government. It's that old saying, you know, people in taxpayer-funded glass houses shouldn't

throw sponsorship donor gifted stones, right? I believe that's how the saying goes, yeah. I don't understand what the big issue is. In America we have Supreme Court justices that accept rides and private planes by right-wing lunatics and things here are working out great. Some have suggested that such donations should be banned. Stammer said that he will continue accepting some donors gifts although not clothes apparently.

But of course there is quite an easy option if you're a politician. And I'm not for a moment, Bugler, saying that you necessarily are, even if you've been elected somewhere, quite often you're still not a politician. But there is an option which avoids the need for redrafting guidelines, legislation even, or for the kind of scrutiny monitoring and other forms of costly surveillance people have been talking about to keep an eye on these things. And that is, that option is for you yourself to ban yourself from receiving free gifts given to you yourself.

And that option might be particularly attractive if to pluck a random example out of the ether, you're a newly installed prime minister wanting to mark clear water between your regime and the previous regime, which used to claim was rotten to its core because of all the dodgy gifts from unaccountable donors. So I guess that option is one that Labour hasn't yet taken and hopefully it will soon start to take. There was one figure in there that the fact it was seen as a problem upset me. Apparently he was given multiple pairs of glasses equivalent to 2,485 pounds.

And this was seen as a problem. As somebody who wears glasses, and I know, Alice, Andy, you will understand this, the fact that we need to wear this machine on our faces because of our defective eyesight means we should be allowed to spend as much and be given as much aid as possible to maintain some level of dignity this we look ridiculous

what it this is what a human being looks like glasses removed glasses put back on this is absurd what are we wearing our faces right now This is not what we were supposed, we're supposed to not be able to see and we should be eaten early in our childhoods because of inability to see what's in front of us and we have to wear these freak things. So if he has $3,000, no sorry, sorry, it was £2,485 which I believe based on current seed now is about 25 American dollars. He should have the right to take every one of those glasses to give himself the confidence he needs to be prime minister.

I think also you've come up with a good justification for it because there have been some slightly old justifications such as the corporate hospitality at football matches him saying that because it's not possible for him with the security detail he has to sit amongst normal fans. Although I think Rishi Sunak did sit amongst normal fans when he was prime minister. I think he's a Southampton fan, Rishi Sunak could have starved him as an Arsenal fan. I don't know if that makes it different, that difference in level of club support. But that, excuse you sir, that he needs very expensive glasses, otherwise he will be eaten by a predator. I think that is one of the best justifications for it, I think.

Avoiding predators is why I wear glasses too, if they say. Predators don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. This is my defensive coloration. That was a Philip Marking poem, I think, wasn't it? I'm laughing, but I feel very sad that you said that. Thank you. You're welcome. It's my wheelhouse when it comes to comedy, laughing but feeling very sad. That's my MO. But I feel like I would love to be able to condemn Keir Starmer. But as a parent with two very small children, I'm currently part of the black market sub-economy that is children's clothing being passed from people who have children who are slightly too big to the people who have children who are getting slightly bigger and

so I'm living almost entirely I think I bought two items of clothing between my two children and given the way the children's clothing prices are going I probably saved about 20 million dollars well as long as you declare it all alice because you know the bugle must be you declare it all Alice because you know the bugle must be the wiser than right on these things. Do not come into equity with unclean hands. I mean there's a positive side to this that you know when we don't know you know the extent to which influence is acquired by such donations although it would be seems unlikely that no influence at all would be acquired. It does open up politics to people who wouldn't otherwise get into it because a lot of people

feel underrepresented in politics, but then trying to actually affect change feels a bit distant. But this way, you don't need to protest, campaign fund-raise, go through the tedious administrative process of standing in elections and getting elected. You can just bung a politician a funky jacket and some novelty socks and a cheeky little bit of corporate hospitality at the British Moral Equivocation Championships and you may well find that your concerns are rather more rapidly addressed. There's been criticism from across the political spectrum on this matter,

of course, the Conservatives have long since chainsawed any legs off that they might have had to stand on, but there's been criticism from within Labour as well. And I guess another counter argument would be to say that we live in a free market consumer economy. And if legally you're allowed to buy, for example, a chicken nugget or a powdered bench, just add water for a nice sit down or a commemorative figurine of a naked John Stuart Mill getting his utilitarian free con, no judgment, or an ill-realistic Grim Reaper outfit complete with a wireless 3D 5G enabled safe scythe or or the soul of football, or a mullet, or a knighthood, or a receipt in the House of Lords.

Should you not logically also be able to buy some natty clothes for your favourite politicians and their spouses in exchange simply for the warm glow of natty beneficence? Possibly, but not necessarily, but also assumedly behind the scenes influence with high level politicians and a receipt so you can claim it on expenses. This is what we fought the cold war for. And also another thing to factor in that Starmer won the election in July and obviously before the election he and his wife Victoria you just see him in ripped jeans, worn out, tied-eyed t-shirts, you know, socks with holes in and someone else's discarded slippers. They were a f**king mess. So, yeah, obviously, when you're prime minister, you have to achieve a certain level. I mean, he'd been a high

ranking lawyer, then a politician and, you know, didn't even own a tie, had never bought an item of clothes. He needed to achieve a certain level of smartness. And by smartness, I, of course, mean currently accepted norm of smartness because otherwise you end up with your national leader turning up to a G8 meeting in a toga a stovepipe hat and a distractingly prominent coffee saying what are you looking at style is style what's that term that you what's that phrase you used earlier natty benevolence what did you use benevolence yeah think it's just joined the mets that's a That's a, that's a, I was about to say that, that would be my rap name if I could say it. I would, I would absolutely go with that. And finally, national emergency news now, sorry to bring more doom into this doom laden world,

about a national emergency has been announced in the United Kingdom due to the declining number of butterflies which have fallen to their lowest ever level or lowest recorded level. The annual big butterfly count recorded its lowest numbers in its 14-year history of counting butterflies. Now, 14 years might not seem that long to us, especially if you've been listening to me blathering on on this show for 17 years, But that's about 500 lifetimes for a butterfly. So that's quite a long time. And it's, I mean, it's very worrying, Alice. I know you're a huge fan of the butterfly as a metaphorical creature. Yes, I just enjoy anything that doesn't have an asshole.

Right. Or an opinion. I think we're missing the subtext of this story because nobody gives a shit about moths, really? We're talking about butterflies. We don't give it if there is a prejudice here Because they're not as pretty as the butterfly. That's what the note I don't know a thing about moss what's happening in their lives. Are they are they dying out? Don't worry about it. They're unattractive Oh, don't don't worry. Don't worry the hearty died. He was just a Kirkland signature Hussin Minaj anyway

That's what this is Pretty privilege, right? I mean, I think it's people's issue with Moses less that they're not pretty and more that they'll like fuck themselves at a light that you're standing next to and Explode into dust in your face in a quite disconcerting manner Everybody has their thing. That's their thing We are open-minded on this show. To give further context of the low numbers of butterflies, there are now thought to be fewer butterflies in the UK than there are social media influencers or former education secretaries or correctly placed apostrophes.

I even chucked an unneeded apostrophe into the word apostrophe there. You probably didn't hear it when it's there in my script. It actually spelled here wrong as well. But again, that's not something I needed to tell you, isn't it? Now, the apostrophe in isn't it was correct, although the words isn't it were not appropriate at the end of that sentence. What were we talking about? Butterflies. Sorry.

Sorry. It should have been IES at the end of butterflies, not YS. Does this matter? I'm making a real mess of this. Anyway, the Butterfly Conservation Organization is calling on the government to ban pesticides, which is all very well, if you want the universe to be overrun by hideous squiggly little shitheads that make up the majority of the insect community but butterflies are very popular as you were talking about to their brightly colored

kids although tradition has preferred it when they all wore white wings before they started becoming more colorful in the late 1970s in order to appeal to a restless Australian TV audience was Was that butterflies or cricket? On the plus side, the falling butterfly population means that fewer beautiful butterflies are being brutally slain and eaten by birds, spiders, wasps, and other predators than was previously happening. Which is great news if you are as scarred by the sequel to the very hungry caterpillar as I was so f***ing graphic. It was the terror in the eyes that I can't get out of my head. Well that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. We do hope you've enjoyed it. Apologies for Alice's less than traditionally excellent audio quality made up as always by the outstanding quality of the words.

Alice, do you have anything to plug? Yes, I have to plug in my microphone back at home. It's half an hour away from here. No, I would like to plug the Gavel, which is the sister podcast to Bugle. It's all the news and none of the politics. If you like this, like the glossy magazine that Bugle's already a already newspaper I also get a book coming out on unbound calm It's called a passion for passion and out on the 6th of February So I'll be doing some sort of launch party probably in London around then so just block out

that area of your year Otherwise at patreon.com slash house Fraser if you're in Tokyo on the 12th of October, I'm running a workshop. So head over to patreon.com slash Alice Fraser and sign up for a workshop in Tokyo. All right. Well I'm going on tour this fall because I have a small child. It's not that I'm trying to avoid the child. I just need to feed him. But I'll be in Ann Arbor, Michigan at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase from October 3rd

through the 5th, Athens, Georgia at the legendary 40 Watt on August 16th, sorry, October 16th, the Punchline Comedy Club in Atlanta, October 17th through the 19th, Savannah, Georgia, October 20th, Sunnyvale, California near San Jose, November 1st through the 19th, Savannah, Georgia, October 20th, Sunnyvale, California near San Jose, November 1st through the 3rd. And then after that, it's Bugle Stronghold, Greensboro, North Carolina, Bugle Stronghold, Charleston, South Carolina, Bugle Stronghold, Richmond, Virginia, Bugle Stronghold, Wilmington, North Carolina, Bugle Stronghold, Greenville, South Carolina, Bugle Strongholds, Wilmington, North Carolina. Bugle Strongholds, Greenville, South Carolina. Bugle Strongholds, Fort Worth, Texas.

And of course the strongest of Bugle Strongholds, Kansas City, Missouri. All coming up. All. My tour begins on the 1st of November. Details at andyzoltsman.co.uk. I'm doing a few work-in-progress shows Over the next week or so including on the 2nd of October, Wednesday the 2nd

At the Laugh Train Home Comedy Club in Battersea where Alice will also be appearing. So that will be a bugle spectacular Come along to that and then the tour from the first of November come along to all of those shows We will be back next week with Anubhav Pal and Tiffany Stevenson Before I head off to Pakistan to spend three weeks in the comforting arms of Test Match Cricket Thank you for listening Don't forget if you want to join the bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep this show free flourishing and independent go to the bugle podcast comm and click the donate button and

As a subscriber you will receive universe exclusive access to the monthly ask Andy show where I answer all of your questions Apart from the ones I don't want to answer Another ask Andy will be coming to you in the next week or so until next week. Goodbye Bye the next week or so. Until next week, goodbye. Bye! Bye! Bye!