The Bugle - Know Your Place, Serfs

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

It's a Coronation Special! Andy is with Mark Steel and Tom Ballard to find out what really happens when an old man is enmonarched.Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanMark SteelTom BallardProduced by Chris Skinner, Ped Hunter and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to issue 4261 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world I am Andy Zoltzman, and this is a very special Bugal, because all other world

news is as nothing this week. To the official God Slaather Divinely Printed history-carving ensconcment of Charles III as our feudal overlord and master for all eternity this coming Saturday here in London. So this entire bugle is devoted to the reestablishment of feudalism in every soul of both the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. Represented on this week's bugle while representing the United Kingdom. We have Mark Steele, Mark, I know throughout your career you've been a slavish adherence of monarchy in all its forms. Some say too slavish, but I think that the most important news of the week is whether or not the fourth valet of the expiry of the fifth comfortable of the Dover, Dragoon,

Battalion guards of the Sunderland infantry of the Grand Pelican of the Commonwealth and all its subsequent subsidiary elements of interplanetary visionary perpendicular transfer matrix Shantshan behind or before the 15th Marma Duke of the Earl of Connecticut or just one piece to his left. Right, you know, and I'm very much I'm very much with the tradition on this. I'm a Puff-Half-Hag, then. I think that's all we have time for now. Well, there you hear the voice of the Commonwealth from Australia. A lifelong supporter of the establishment in all its many forms and a particular love of being having a head of state from 13,000 miles away. It's Tom Ballard. Hello Mr Zaltsvin thank you very so much for having me on your podcast. I can't believe it. We know the other children are so

excited about the thing day. I've been saving up my pennies to donate to the monarchy so they can afford some more jewels. It's just an honor to be involved in it. Hello it's great to have you back. It's been quite a while since you lost it. Did the people they've been very busy? Well we had our beef. We had our famous public beef and we won't go into it now but it was pretty toxic and if people read the sun they know what went down and they know what you've f***ing did and they know that you apologize and I'm the bigger man. Was it a bit a bit Johnny Depp and Amber. What? What was quite the same?

You've got one of you shitting the other one's bed. Well, who's to say? Yeah. You know, that's still some judo say. And decided, and so we can't get into history. We'll be the judge. Anyway, it's great to have you back. It's on the water under the judge. Anyway, just great to have you back. It's on the water under the bridge. We are recording on the 1st of May 2023, unlike most UK-based broadsheet newspapers, we will only

be devoting a mere 98% of this issue of already a newspaper to the coronation and the elevation to constitutional godhood of our overlord and master, his stratospheric, highness, hyper-gain mega-chiles, with the, well, so we're looking not at the first of May when we're recording, but the sixth of May when the coronation will be taking place. And I should also say that, you know, we do always have a section in the bin on the bugle. The entire coronation section can be thrown straight

in the bin where it's fucking belongs, but that is most of the shows. And that's what you're getting here's your sex with the pin this week. But why did they choose the sixth of May? Well a number of reasons. Firstly, it's not the thirtieth of January when Charles I was executed in 1640 now. And that's now considered an inauspicious date for King's called Charles to be milling around London amongst big crowds. Also they chose the sixth of May. So I didn't clash with the world snooker final as we

record halfway through tantalizingly poised at 9 frames to 8 to Luca Bressel over Mark Silby. He scored the first maximum break in the final of the world's snooker championship. So you can see why the monarchy didn't want to go up against such a major event as that. Also on the 6th of May we had proof of the magicness of British monarchs in the year 1840 when it was discovered on the 6th of May we had proof of the magicness of British monarchs in the year 1840 when it was discovered. On the 6th of May, 1840 that if you drew the face of a monarch on a piece of paper, stuck it on another piece of paper and wrote where you wanted that piece of paper to get to, it would magically appear there a short time later. Hence the invention of the stamp, these pieces of paper were quickly named of course after St. Ampulius, the

patron saint of taking bits of paper from one place to another. And on this day in 1915, George Herman Ruth, a picture for the Boston Red Sox, hit his first major league home run, he went on to hit over 700 more and become known as the babe and Charles of course is known as the babe Monarch He's aged a 74 making him the youngest Monarch the UK's had for more than two decades So that's why they've chosen the sixth of mate So now it's time for our full bugle Coronation preview also known as Know Your Fucking Place, Surfs.

It's a very exciting time, Mark and Tom, particularly as we have all been cordially invited to take part in the coronation, which is usually beyond ordinary people, such as us, but we've all been invited to join a chorus of millions in swearing allegiance to not only the king, but his heirs for all time. Now, I know this has been stated that this is optional, Mark, but I know that you will be down on your British knees paying homage to the King on Saturday. Yeah. Well, I was going home, I was offered a place just behind Emmanuel Macron, and just to the right of King Yom, Royal Nutsch, North Korea. But then someone, no, it's true, someone's offered me a ticket for the top and palace now, I don't know.

So I've put my ticket on via Go Go. I hope it's made four or five million from it. Oh no, it's going to buy it. Give Camilla one for me. That's all I think. Yeah. Right, my, however much you try and lampoon the pageantry, can you get as far as this bit of reality? Two splinters. Have you seen this? Two splinters deemed to be from the actual cross upon which Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, was crucified 1,909 years ago, are set to be placed in a Welsh cross which is going to be brought into the abbey during the ceremony and they have been personally handed over by the splinters from the actual... you f***ing idiot it made if someone came in and went, look what I've

bought, two splinters from the actual, how sold you there? In the market, in the market. This, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I mean, when you're being crucified, the last thing you want on top of the nails and the crucifixion is splinters as well. I mean, that's that's exactly exactly. Exactly. And I think the Pope, clearly the Pope's at some point now going, the Pope is going to f**king believe it. And I've been solving, I think, given the crucifixion. If Jesus is looking down upon us now, if you're of the Christian faith and you believe that, then I think Jesus will be going, don't take the piss, that crucifixer,

it's sanctity bastard. And of course, on top of that, it is absolutely clear what the Romans would have done with the crucifix having just used it to murder someone they saw as a threat and a dissident to their regime. What they would have done is thought even though we've murdered him, there's no need in being unsensitive. Let's preserve all the wood because it might be that in 2000 years time someone will want a couple of splinters from that to assist in this ceremony of a country that worships the bloke we've just cruised in. And over 2000 years the splinters have somehow been preserved like wood always does last in 50 years.

Famously. When they've done more crucifixions on that same cross, or I didn't realize it was like, you know, people were finishing a TV show, and people would use broke-off, like, the sections of the crucifix, and took them home to keep them from out there. Surely they had more crucifigued to do. You know, he was the other one. Yeah, but they would have stopped at some point. Splinters get splinters, original Jesus Christ of Splinters here. Tom, will you be, will you be swearing allegiance to the King

as the chorus of millions strikes up around the world? It's a really good question, Eddie. Let me think about this. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I

Don't think so no, I really appreciate the call I hear that and I respect that And it's really nice to be involved in this I will be saying the coronation will be happening around about a 9 p.m On a Saturday night here at Australia So chances are we won't be saying oh God save the Queen We love him will be saying things like more alcohol please or have have this football tournament or the monarchy is a load of all that anachronistic anti-democratic core shit, isn't it? Or wow, this comedian Tom Valad that we've booked tickets to see live is really tough notch and people should come see him at the end of a fridge. That's the kind of thing people will be saying it Australia, right? Well, you've been doing a show during that time. Will you be on stage?

I feel like we're doing it. Yeah, probably. Oh, yeah, I am actually. I just booked in actually, yeah, I'll be on stage. Yeah. I assume it'll be deserted, no one will turn off, everyone will be gathering around large screens in public spaces, celebrating and jerking themselves off. So, yeah. I'm the traditional Australian.

This is a reverential way to come up. I'm the Javier Foffy. He's walking back. He's He's we're reckon we've got about four minutes till he gets to the door He's gonna jerk yourself off before he gets outside Otherwise, it's it's disrespectful This I've the over here that the Archbishop is gonna encourage people to get involved with and if you want to hear this They can say all who's so desire in the Abbey and elsewhere say

together, I swear that I will pay true allegiance to your majesty and to your ears and successes according to law. So help me God. We accept him, one of us, we accept him, one of us, Google Gobble, one of us, all work and no play makes King Charles a dull boy, all hail imperial incest grandpa, work makes you free, gentleman to evil. That's apparently what they want us to say. So. So I mean, this is, you know, it is going to be a chorus

of millions paying homage. I was intrigued by the wording of this. You say, I like that bit. You say, you also pay true allegiance to your Majesty and your Ares and Successors according to law. So help me God. Those are the words that struck me because, you know, if you are swearing to pay allegiance to the as yet unborn children of a currently nine-year-old boy, I think you probably do need

divine assistance. So those words help me God, I think, the most, the most opposite. He will be apparently there's a number of new things in the ceremony. The King himself is going to Pray out loud for the first time which is good because we're going to know what he's actually praying for And in what language Well, of course They wish if you say that loud and people find out doesn't it not come true? I think that's the problem with with prayers actually

And I don't know the in Westminster Abbey I don't know what the what the stats on prayers there are I think it's only around about I don't know six percent of prayers said in Westminster Abbey actually get answered by God so We'll see if that's If you can come up good it must be like a cool center now There must be because the population of the earth so much more than when it was when all this stuff started In liquid time It must be like oh, they must be just going everywhere, it must be people's car. Your prayer is important to us.

Yeah, you are number 7200 people in a queue. Oh, the fuck, so I, the guinea pigs just could have to go out of right there. The service will be Christian. It will be Christian service as always, but it will involve religious leaders from other faiths excitingly, including Druids, Satanist, Jedi, Scientologists, scientists. That's all Hocus Bocus, if you ask me. Crystal Palace fans and Boris Johnson,'s faith in his own divinity, is arguably the purest and most fundamental religious force ever unleashed on these aisles. This was, I thought it was interesting, the king is going to be receiving greeting

from Jewish Hindu Sikh Muslim and Buddhist leaders, and the Buddhist leaders are expected to perform their hatred tradition of sucking on his tongue which is a sign of great respect in Buddhism. So I think that all makes it a beautiful visual. Well because in a previous life King Charles was a lollipop. So the Dalai Lama will be quite within his rights to give him a lick. In fact the hit song My Boy Lollipop, by Willis. Milley. By Milley.

Yeah. That was all about the young Prince Charles. The Archbishop of Canterbury, ABC himself, of course, is the eponymous star of the famous Jackson Five song, ABC about the head of the Anglican church and his devotion to the Holy Trinity. He said that the coronation would recognize and celebrate tradition, as well as containing quotes, new elements that reflect the diversity of our contemporary societies.

So presumably that diversity includes monarchy skeptics. So look forward to the entrance of the Republicans and the feudalism skeptics for their ceremonial call of bullshit and a new part of the coronation that showsalism skeptics for their ceremonial call of bullshit and a new part of the coronation that shows how the institution is able to adapt and evolve to the modern world. You think he believes in God, the Archbishop of Canterbury seems like quite thoughtful chat.

Yeah, I don't know. I think he just sits there and says, you know, every night and goes, oh, is this not all bollocks? I'm into deep deep now to do. I can't retrain. I'm so terrible skills. It will be very modern.

There's going to be female clergy. We'll be involved in the service for the first time. After the Church of England allowed women to become bishops in 2014. That is of course the year when women prove themselves worthy, you know, their play, they put in a lot of hard work, they lifted their bishops game and they were finally rewarded in 2014, which just goes to show ladies you can do it too. I think it's great. I know that Andy was opposed to that decision, but I think it's worked out and I think let's just wait and see how it goes for this coronation, Andy, and just reserve your judgment

until you see the ladies up there doing their thing, okay? Right, I'll be as open-minded as I possibly can. The Archbishop of Canterbury will proclaim God save the king, at which point everyone will have to respond, God save King Charles, long live King Charles, may the king live forever. Now, I mean, this is Brexit Britain all over, May the King, live forever. Now, I mean, this is Brexit, Britain, written all over, even if nothing else defines us

in the 21st century. And it's our continual willingness to set ourselves delusional and unattainable goals. And, you know, even, I mean, look at the evidence. Is that true? Yeah, May the King live forever. Yeah, but they, but they, have we learned nothing from Greek mythology?

The Eos and Titanus myth, you know, you don't wish someone eternal life without also wishing them eternal youth. I mean, he's already, you know, a saggy face, 74 year old. If he lives forever, I mean, the coins are gonna be a fucking nightmare, aside from anything. How'd you get that much wrinkle on a coin? I'm not sure, I'm just not even sure it's possible

What's going to be for those if you're watching the coronation on a screen at that point you say keep made a kingly forever Then a sports bet option will pop up and you can actually place a bet on Whether or not you think Charles is gonna make it to Christmas. So I think that's a great winston Is you gonna live forever? Whatever that put some out with you watching Qu've got to inquin in your pocket. Go on. What's coming up on a screen now? I guess in a way of being a monarch is quite equivalent to eternal youth

and that you never have to do your own cooking. You have people helping you get dressed. You don't have to go out and get a proper job. And when you dress up in fancy dress, people go, oh, how sweet, rather than calling you an idiot. So that's essentially what it is. So in Australia, Tom, what's the state of the monarchy? Because it's the last referendum on whether to retain

your medieval feudal overlords was in the 1990s, is that right? 1999, yes. Yes, Australia was given the chance to replace the Queen as ahead of state. We would have a president, but the model was terrible because the model would be chosen by Parliament, the universally popular institution of Parliament.

And that Prime Minister could remove the president at any point at his own whim. So it was of course put to the people by ultra conservative constitutional monocost, John Howard, as an election promise, he said, yeah, I guess we can have the vote. And of course put to the people by ultra conservative constitutional monocost, John Howard, as an election promise, he said, yeah, I guess we can have the vote. And of course did everything he could to shoot it in the face.

And now here we are. And do you, I mean, how long do you think it'll be before there's sort of a, you know, unstoppable momentum towards at least another vote? Is that coming? I think maybe two or three centuries. I think that's when Australia will really start too. We couldn't get rid of plastic bags, okay?

We couldn't get rid of them on the go. We couldn't get rid of fucking neighbours, all right? Neighbors had a 37 year run and it came to an end and we said, okay, bye neighbours, time for something new. And then Amazon came in and said, no, we need some more fucking neighbours. It needs to keep going forever. Comfy, you're still angry with COVID

when the rest of the world's running about quite aptly. We like hanging onto things, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the way we work. But we're just amazed at all the incredible regalia, like, you know, I think, like it supports the monarchy went up when the queen died, I believe. People just do love the pomp and circumstance. They love all that kind of magical, mystical game of thrown shit.

And the stuff that they're going to be presenting the king with at this thing, the sovereigns orb, the sovereigns sector, the sort of temporal justice, the stone of destiny, the oven mitts of righteousness, the belly button ring of dominance, the slippers of non-surry, the sunglasses of caution, and of course, the skull of non-surry, the sunglasses of caution, and of course the skull of very Humphreys, I believe, will be presented to the king. It's all starting to make sense now.

Yes, yes, he won't appreciate any of it, would he? There's so much, there's nothing unret. I do what they should, with the Republicans, they should introduce a new tradition. I think the coronation should be like a wedding and there should be a point where the Archbishop says, if anyone objects to this coronation, speak now or for the whole of your things. And they're Republican across the Commonwealth because they f*** off. You're fucked. And then you get various people like Liz Trassel, who ran up, Sullin Saltig,

we've only been invited to the evening event. Well, I guess that's, you know, they say, you know, part of this oath, people around the world will be asked to cry out and swear. You just need to end it there before adding the words of allegiance to the King and you've got your opportunity to express yourself. Are you getting a day off at

least? Have a long weekend. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's essentially why we keep the monarchy so we get occasional extra days off. I mean, that's really all the British public once is the promise of more bank holidays. Yeah, you get it, there'll be lots of them, replace all the other ones and it all, there'll all be monarchy related there'll be the day the day that the new that Prince George as his first shit not in a netty that'll be a bank holiday he's going I'm sorry I only know that because I have to look it up for the bit I don't know what about in B. Sorry, I'm sorry to have been solving them on a club.

Probably could be executed for three, but not knowing he was nine. Well, that's the other thing at all. I don't know how much this has been true in Australia, but here, the big story up until now with it has been. Is Aryan making comedies? Aryan making comedies? She's not coming. She shouldn't be allowed to come. The little hazard.

You know, she thinks she is coming over and marrying our prince, not knowing that it occurred to probably out four. All of that. So, uh, and now... And that's just the Guardian. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. And Prince Andrew is going? Definitely Prince Andrew. Oh, yeah, and then I- And that's just the Guardian. Yeah, you get pretty much. And printanture is going? Definitely printanture. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course he's got it.

Oh my, he's got a lot of glue. Yeah. And there will be stuff from the NHS. I thought this was really nice touch. They're setting up stands outside Buckingham Palace to inviting people to come and watch it, including veterans and NHS stuff. And I think that that will be awkward at all.

They're like, yes, NHS nurses, we don't have enough money to pay you probably for your vital work. What we can do is you'll be free to get to watch an old man and a woman right past you, waving in a golden carriage before he's showered in jewels. What do you think? What are you reckon?

What are the workers? The whole coronation procession is gonna be a more accurate reflection of 21st century Britain. The king, as he drives through the streets thronged with his subjects, will hold out his crown from the golden carriage so people can put their small change in it to mirror the flow of wealth towards the already wealthy, by which this country is now defined. The red arrows,

aerial acrobatics team, they will fly over and leave smoke trails in red, white and blue, spelling out the words, suck it up plebs. So, I mean, it is very much a more modern is there going to be an invasion of somewhere to mark the day? I don't mean you hope so, but I imagine that something like that will go. They probably haven't announced where it's going to be yet, or as you lose the element of surprise, exactly, I guess we'll have to wait. There they go. I don't know, it's all done.

There they are. There's the third echoery now. Fire and... Fire and the flimingo from a cannon. That marks the RAF's invasion. And now we can reveal where it is. There it is, they're going to invade Belgium. There it goes.

I'm quite surprised by the recent Abinion polls and so on, let's suggest that there is a very steep decline in support for the monarchy. Right, originally when the Queen Carp to it went up, but now it's gone the other way I think, cool, that was done. This was the subject of the Foam Inn on Radio 5 last night. Because I mean, if you know support for the Monarchy does drop below 50% during the service, they will have to be a president installed instead on the spot. I don't know.

I don't know who that is. I love that so much. Trump's a favorite. I've watched a favorite of the crown and they're always talking about opinion polls and what is the public think? Oh right. Why do you give a shit? This is not a democratic process. You literally rule over all the they are subjects. Why do you give a shit about their opinions? Come on. Lean in. There'll be some wonderful merch as there are always isn't these occasions. There's a special gold 74-pound coin being minted to commemorate the King's age. And in blazing on this coin, three Latin words chosen by King Charles to represent his values and his status to mark his devotion to the institution of monarchy, the word in Latin for crown, that's corona, then the word for with power, acknowledging his God-given

right to rule over us, that's the ablative of the word this, so that's this and to signify his love of the rural life, the British countryside and the environment, a Latin word for countryside, Russ. So those coins should absolutely fly off the shelves. And looking in further detail now, fly off the shelves and looking in further detail now, received exclusive Information on exactly what the ceremony will involve of course a key part Is the Apologia in Sensorita. That's a procession of people's that the King will be ceremonially asked to apologize to on behalf of the nation for historic wrongs perpetrated by Britain He will then hold up his hand in symbolic refusal and extend the middle finger of destiny whereupon the congregation

will all shake their heads. Charles will, according, Charles will, contrary to some rumours, sadly not become the first king to lead the coronation congregation in a rendition of glory again as 1978 hit, I willive. However, the Westminster Abbey organist will play a specially arranged, special arrangement of groove is in the heart by delight as the recessional. The rehearsal for the coronation procession is traditionally done using a stand-in lookalike

of the new monarch, who is then humanly euthanized in order to avoid that person sharing the secrets of what goes on behind the scenes when the Archbishop of Canterbury and the monarch disappear behind a special screen for some weird arcane part of the ceremony that no one's ever out to see talk about or think about. And the king will of course receive his crown whilst kneeling upon the sacred cushion of the Fetch, the filling of the cushion uses hair from every monarch since Ethel Bertha the Uncertain in 926 AD. The hair Harris traditionally taken from the monarchs, that cannot possibly

be true. The key part, of course, of the coronation is the official sniveling. That's part of the coronation dating back to the time of Edward I. It will be performed this year by Conservative peer, Vycount Cattestone, who was voted the most obsequious member of the House of New York. The tradition, of of course began when Edward I offered land and grazing rights in what is now Wimbledon to the noble man who paid him the most full sum tribute on occasion of his coronation in 1924. That was where what was then known as the central court took place in the tennis parade and eventually built it around it. By count Platinum, Will Snivel before the King

was holding Manifest Chin the solid gold drew Lard de Monroy to catch any droplets of saliva that some form is enabled lips. During the Snivel, the Snivel itself will consider a specially written poem by Platis don't himself, but his sumptuous cheeks. And the traditional least complementaire did Magnifice's once-do, Juan Nouveau,

composed, of course, by 14th century courtier Alfonso de Grovel, which has praised every incoming monarch since rich of the second in 1377. The list of compliments in the least complementaire include praise for the new monarch's wisdom, mercy, justice, sweetness of breath, perfection of posture, tight-glutes, ripped abs, and phenomenal natural rhythm. We lost that. Of course, the traditional measurements of the Royal Appendagio, in which the coronatee, Charles, will have his trausorial membrino and testruchio, is officially made and weighed by the Bishop of Walsbury. This, of course, will take place for the first time since 1937. Will this be the year that Henry II's records are finally broken? Sadly, we'll never know if the results are not made public and of course the plaster cast remains secreted away in the family vault at Windsor One interesting

I think if at all this into two hours there One interesting aspect of this year's ceremony is of course Camilla who has been made queen contrary to expectation and slightly controversially and in fact Charles and Camilla will be ceremonially fused into a single transgender pan monarch to be referred to as their majesty which is a concession to the local community of the Commonwealth. Due to a mix up the committee for organizing the coronation of the King, also known as the committee. The committee failed to book the bugle as to toot brassage during the King's entrance to the Abbey, instead this episode of the Bugle will be played out on the public address system in Westminsterrabby.

And of course, finally, the big speculation centers around what hand signal Charles Will Wagle is adoring nation from the Buckingham Palace balcony, would he go for a heart sign, a Hawaiian shaker, the sign of the horns, double thumbs up like his hero, the fons, formally, of course, Lord Fontroy. Or will he do a traditional wound up, gradually wound up middle finger?

It said a different meaning of course, it comes symbolic of King Alfred pulling the holy sword excalibre from out of stonehenge whilst hiding in a tree. All these traditions coming together gloriously on a significant moment for modern Britain. And they would, they would, the commentator would treat all of that with utmost rid of their too to stickular cast being brought in by the fourth P-defile of Hoppy. There they go now. Loared out. Setting fire to the badges. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the time showing Britain at a time. There it goes. And the Australians are masturbating now and are ejaculating as the crowd. Yes, yes. In the, yes, synchronize. And the Queen can, the new Queen can watch that across from, with a, with a, can watch that across from,

with her, from satellite pictures from space, as they masturbate across Australia, spilling the words, long live the Queen across the desert. With the eye, the dot of the eye, the ears rock at the top here. What a wonderful picture it is. Wonderful picture. And as the world burns and children continue to live in poverty,

the golden jewels is given to the man who has billions of dollars in real estate. And we celebrate this tradition. I did, but my intern series last year, which the Oles of Silly, which was just an aptly glorious sort of a few days out there. And one of the things that I was actually astonished with, this is, they accidentally ate him there because the Oles of Silly is still, I don't quite know exactly how this works. Obviously that's a whole of Cornwall is the Duchy of Cornwall which is sort of owned by

Charles but the eyes of silly is owned by him in a different way so that if you want any substantial work done on your house like like a lothical version or something, you have to apply to the Duchy of Cold War and quite often the permission is refused. And if a number of people told me this and I couldn't believe it but I went out in the program and nobody could play, so I think it's true that if the value of your house goes up by any substantial amount, then part of the increased value has to be paid to King Charles. The odds are silliest, but with a C after the S's little islands off the extreme southwestern tip of Cornwall, whereas you might think the ars of Cilly is just the more appropriate name for the United Kingdom.

Exactly. The other thing, this is my favourite thing about the ars of Cilly, because there's only a couple of thousand people there on five different islands, so if the boat doesn't come, then you just go without. And the boat doesn't come on a Sunday so there's no Sunday papers and someone told me that they were in the news agents one Sunday and there was a holiday maker in the news agent in front of them who said to the news agent, I'll have a daily paper please and the news agent said, do you want to die all yesterdays?

today, so we're going to have to come back tomorrow. Well, we will have a full exclusive review of the coronation and any major changes to the nation that are brought about by our spiritual, maybe in sexual awakening during the coronation on Saturday next week Other news now well, it's not just the coronation of a 74 year old man that's making news around the world If you were one of those people who've been thinking recently tell you what the ordinary people of Sudan have had it too good for too long Then you will have enjoyed the last week or so and if you're also one of those people who've been thinking recently, tell you what, the ordinary people of Sudan have had it too good for too long, then you will have enjoyed the last week or so. And if you're also one of those people who've been thinking,

we need to balance out the Ukrainian was with a nice big civil war in the third biggest country in Africa. Again, great times. It does seem that civil war is erupting into Dan, not for the first time, a ongoing spat between the army and the rapid support forces

power military group. It's a tough one as a neutral, not sure who to root for. It follows a classic pattern. The president was ousted in 2019. There was a military queue in 2021. Now two rival military forces have been trying to share power. Sadly, the everyone lived happily ever after and peace and harmony bit of the story.

Has once again not materialized for whatever reason, just bad luck generally. I mean it continues a bit of a bad run for Sudan since becoming an independent nation in the mid 1950s after several decades of should we call it involvement by a certain European imperial, can we say partner? Since then Sudan has gone through the first Sudanese civil war, the second Sudanese civil war, the south Sudanese civil war, the war in Darfur, and various other conflicts, including the 35 years and still going Lord's army resistance insurgency. So in around 67 years of independence Sudan people are probably we'reying of it. I mean, it is, I guess, another one of those stories is that it's probably best not to think too hard about because the implications are fucking terrifying, aren't they? Well, these things usually sort of sounds out.

Oh, thanks a lot for that, Mr. Sunchman. I don't like sticking my nose in other people's affairs, you know, until they call me an ask-me-of-to-assort it all out, I feel like, you know, they're probably locally best placed to get involved in, to resolve what you described as a spat and some people with some orcs of a tease close to the actual V. I don't know anything. I know so little of it. So now what's happening there at the moment. So, Dan is an independent country now, isn't it? So, are they part of this? I don't like Tom. I don't know too much of the details. I mean, the really strut of this is brilliant. This is what the news should be like. Well, that news is nice. They could go well, but many of us have seen the appalling pictures from Sudan and have

greatly moved by it. With us now to discuss it as a group of experts. So what do you think has caused this? Do you know what? I haven't really paid any attention because now also is Professor of Central African Studies. So, Arnold Biccherman. What are you? So, South Sudan, is that involved in it? Oh, you got that, I can't. I'll leave you slip my mind South Sudan. I'm not the fuckiest idea. Well, you say this, Mark. But last week, so well a bravaman,

our home secretary, to give her a full title, our home secretary for whatever fucking reason. She was asked in a home affairs select committee meeting if she could explain how a hypothetical teenage, often fleeing persecution, could legally arrive in the UK to claim asylum, and she's the home secretary, and she could not say how asylum seekers could enter the UK legally. She couldn't answer how many judicial reviews have been launched against the Mansden Migrant Centre and she wasn't entirely sure whether

migrants could then be forced to go to Rwanda under her ship for brain scheme. So this culture of ignorance, really, that is instilled by, from the very, very top, it's part of our national culture, that even the home secretary who has responsibility over the issue of migration and there's ruled out safe routes for asylum seekers from Sudan because, I don't know, look over there, there's a brightly coloured fesent. Even she could not answer with any degree of accuracy. So, you know, there's this sort of ignorance of the brief is that's a part of our national culture. If a herter say to her to have the faintest idea how someone from Sudan could claim legally asylum in this country, despite that being pretty central to a brief as home secretary for her to offer any answer. So that will be as surprising as if

you had a hamster on university challenge and it answered a whole series of questions about 19th century chemistry. 19th century chemistry. Well, still, Taisley Rayleigh, you get to work with us and explain the other questions as far as possible for all the questions that you got around here. But in terms of the evacuation of ex-backed communities in Sudan, there is no global issue that cannot be reduced to an argument between European countries. And Germany and France, it is Britain of hampering their efforts to extract their civilians. They have been complaints from Sudanese people whose

passports were locked in Western countries, embassies in Sudan that had just been abandoned whenever and left leaving them stuck in a war zone. So even though Europe has, I guess we can fairly say scaled back its involvement in areas such as Sudan. We still manage to find ways of f***ing things up in whatever way we possibly can. Yeah, yeah, boy, how do I feel?

Well, but imagine when Cyrillia Brawman finds out that Sudan's in Africa, she'll go, what is it? Rewend around there. Can't they just, can't they just walk straight there rather than come all the way here and then be simple back there? I think we might have to edit that bit out, Mark, because if they hear it, that that will become positive.

So, we'll be out of policy. Well, that brings us the end of this week's Beagle, as I said, we will have a full review of the coronation next week. In the meantime, Mark, have you got any shows to plug live or... Oh, yeah, but I'm sure that live on top. What am I doing that you've come to? Brighton on the third of June comes to that theater royal and a warehouse, Lancaster said,

where have I got left? I don't know. You might have to look it up. Swindon, that's a huge place. I won't fill that up. I mean, not the whole of Swindon. Yeah, they've booked me in for the whole of Swindon. I've got a lot of work to do.

I might fill out the first seven streets, but there's a summer state to the whole of Swindon. I've got a lot of work to do. I might fill out the first second streets, but there's a summer state at the back of Swindon, you know, heading out more towards sort of hungerford on the east side. Right, that does suggest that they're evacuating Swindon to allow you to do your gigantium. Yeah, yeah, that's very nice. That's a tough sell.

Oh, where else? Croydness, if you've left left, that, there, if you'll, and I'll somewhere else. Warwick, art centre. Oh, that's a nice one. And you have your podcast as well. And a podcast, what the f*** is going on? So I'm very sorry for the swearing, wasn't I? Ha ha ha ha.

Tom, plug away. People in Australia can see my show. It Is I at the Sydney Company Festival and the Brisbane Company Festival, just two shows left in big venues there that could definitely do this more people in them at this stage. That would be great. And British people I'm coming to your wonderful country. I'm performing at the Edinburgh Fringe, tickets are on sale now for some f**king saying reason.

That's It Is I at 6.10pm at the Monkey Barrel for the whole bloody month. Please come along. That was a good idea! It's so good. Yeah, no, I'm just going to have to be come back there. Good news. There you go, consider those plugs plugged. We will now play you out.

With more contributors to the Bugle Voluntary Subscription scheme to join the Bugle Wall of Fame, or to give a one-off oracle in contribution to the Bugle Fund to help keep us free flourishing and independent, go to the Bugal War of Fame. Continuing our coronation theme, this week's War of Fame Voluntos subscribers have all conducted extremely important scientific research into coronations. Adam Denning calculated that crowns are statistically the least efficient form of headgear ever invented. Adam explains they don't provide protection, warmth, hair control, shelter, shade, or even a special straw for drinking.

David Thomas similarly calculated that thrones are a low grade form of seating when it comes to practicality. They don't make the throny any wiser or more prone to make sound decisions, says David, and they're less comfortable than a cheap secondhand armchair. Stepan Pilar, apologies for multiple mispronunciations, conducted a cost-benefit analysis that concluded that the new monarch should simply log in on a special website at the start of their reign, and log out again if ever they wanted to abdicate instead of this expensive rigmarole. It's the 2020s notes step-on, it's standard workplace practice. Further to this, Brendan Gage has developed a special computer program in which loyal

subjects can watch a CGI monarch of their choosing from history, being crowned whenever they wanted, and just click a grovel button to pay appropriate obeisances at a time of their convenience. Monika Milka has developed a further add-on to Brendan's program where by people can even design their own monarch, like you can design footballers on those games console football games. It's got a potential 2.4 billion different permutations of Crown, Regalia and Worldable Accessories, Posts Monarcher. James Davies calculated that if coronations provide a boost to the economy as everyone

says, it would make sense to have the Monarch rotating on a month-to-month basis with a coronation on the second Saturday of each month. And Jim MacArthur adds some numbers to this, working out that the bunting industry alone would give Britain the highest GDP of any nation in the world, and laments you cannot build a solid business plan around a once every 70 years event. Owen Alexander found after considerable research that a monarch proves just as monococcus for good or bad whether they were a special cloak made of dead animals costing thousands of pounds at their coronation or a ten pound witch's or wizards outfit from a novelty

costume shop. And finally Martin Neville similarly conducted some laboratory research on septers and discovered that the so-called sacred superstix do not in fact give any more or less of a power boost to the incoming monarch than a blow-up herring. Thank you to all our voluntary subscribers on this week's Wall of Fame.