The Bugle - Le Big Chopper (4227)

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Andy is with Tiff Stevenson and Neil Delamere to look at the French Presidential election, the latest from Wimbledon's war on Russia and the biggest story in Ireland this year. Plus, support for Boris Johnson from a new contributor.This Bugle is nice, really nice...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonNeil DelamereAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugalers and welcome to issue 4,227 of the Bugal its Monday the 25th of April in 2022 of all years and I'm Andy's ultimate keeping it as far

from real as humanly possible here in the shed of a mutable truth in London's glamorous London area, hopefully it's not in the most glamorous part of that glamorous London area. Because when you are as naturally innately glamorous as I am, and you don't get any more glamorous in this shed with a box full of vintage sewing cricket bats and a large wooden duck clamoring up at the back. It doesn't matter where you live, it's a metaphorical red carpet photo shoot wherever I go, I just wish occasionally I'd let myself live my own life. Joining me today from no fewer than one hemisphere of this planet are bugle co-hosts for this week. Are Tiff Stevenson and Neil Dalmer here? Hello both of you. Hello.

How are you both in, well let's do this sequentially. Since you both answered it. Exactly the same time to the first question puts both of you, which I realize is an ideal for a podcast. Neil, how are you? I am very well, except my dog has just broken wind behind me and it can only be just like if the if the wallpaper started to peel off the walls, I wouldn't be 100% surprised because she has done something quite masterful. Sometimes she does this, looks beautiful and then just lets one go and all you know is your eyelashes fall out and all the spiders in the room start running away from her and that's

you know something has happened. Well that's what the bugle brings you. It brings you dogs performing physical satire on the state of the world. That's what it is. I mean she waited until we started as well so her timing is impeccable. Tiff, are you surrounded by flat-to-animal at the moment? Or not? Complaining cats, yes. But I went away for a couple of days and when we go away and come back, he has a whole new language. He has new sounds.

I'm not joking. It's like he's got furious that we had the temerity to disappear for like 48 hours. And so he has a whole new whole new sound so like well I was shouting and it appeared you weren't responding so he's got new ones. He's got how and how are you? Honestly I'm not joking I will I will share the videos on my Twitter my cat talks he talks. I think he's working his way up to saying tuna, you bitch. Right. And eventually that's that'll it'll peak at tuna, you bitch. Right. So yeah.

That's good. That's good. How old is your cat? He is coming up on 12, I think. But still with the desire to learn new languages. It's actually, yeah, I'm thinking of downloading Julingo for maybe Mewalingo perhaps. Oh, yes, beautiful, beautiful. I should have, I should have seen a pun coming there. And actually an alarm went off on my phone at the mirror idea of there being that the possibility of that part. The panel alarm.

You couldn't set upon alarm for Andy in turn as your phone would melt into a million pieces. I don't have the battery life. You have burner phones like it was the wire. Well, we are recording on the 25th of April 2022. On this day in 1792, just 230 short years ago, the Celebrity French Execution Device, the Gillatin, was used for the first time to dispense the capital to the Justice, to the Hyrum and Nicola Pelletti, after a big build up, the Big Chopper, as it should

have been called, went down, actually surprisingly badly with the crowd at the time. They didn't feel they had got the level of entertainment they were used to, from more long drawn out forms of execution. It was all over far too quickly for the traditional fans, bish-bash-bosh and the purists who were used to the longer five day executions with all its narrative intricacies, such developments and breaks from meals. They didn't really go for it even if they just prefer the longer ones, even if they did sometimes end with the victim still alive or were just rained off. But as long as it made it easier for the kids to get excited by executions,

I guess the authorities could justify and claim that they're inflated bonus for just inventing a new format was justified. As always, a section of the people, sorry, I'm sorry to get stuck.'m not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal.

Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal.

Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. Sorry, I'm not a criminal. award ceremony for other award ceremonies. And we reviewed the latest action from the ceremony, the awards for the best in the awards business, the Unsung Award for less well-known

awards, the nominations for that include the Flametsbury Award for most inedible breakfast spread, the winner of that, incidentally, was the Blobra Manor, Lingenbury, Ratguano, and Wormlung Preserve, the Mike from Accounts Memorial Award for Least Remarkable Professional Career. Least valuable contribution to an interim report, and the Salvador Dali Award for Meltheist Timekeeping Device, hotly contested between the limited edition Rolex Chocwatch and the Tissot Martiala Glock. Also, the most hotly contested award, award is the nominations for that, as always, and appropriately enough, very hotly contested. is the nominations for that as always, and appropriately enough, very hotly contested, least insightful sports bandit.

Most shameless refusal to answer a question in an interview. The Tucker Carlson Award for most inbosolic comment by Tucker Carlson, that is, as always, one of the toughest awards to win in any given year. The most obviously wrong conspiracy theory, and the biggest undiscovered global scandal brought about by a secret of international plots those two Also go hand in hand now that section in the bin Andy do you know there is actually an awards awards. I didn't know that and I was minded to look it up Whilst you were doing that bit, and I've got to say it is the most boringest thing I've ever seen in a

while. I've hosted something before for I think like the Wedding Planning Awards, so like awards for the planners of the weddings and I'm sure I've hosted a media awards awards. Can you imagine the person who has to do the seating plan for the wedding plan or awards? The level of pressure on that is off the charts. Oh, I found that at my own wedding where we each table had a name and obviously as discussed I'm quite into cricket and my wife is a Keen Foudy, so we had cricket food puns as the table names Amazing Michael Prawn was one of them Shirley Gary Natsobras In Randflan was another one

What about Jeffrey Boycott this table? I don't like anyone else on it. I'm sure everyone at your wedding is probably I imagine pretty cool landy. He in bulk ham. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm keeping my barefoot in you. Alistair Cooked Meets. Oh, good, that was before his career take it off, so.

Top story this week, the French election on Europe woke this morning, as we record on Monday to the rare post-election sound of the word few floating across the skies of the continent, incumbent president Emmanuel Macron, retained power after a bitter hostile campaign that deepened divisions in an increasingly fractured country. Is there any other kind of campaign these days, a manny Mac clocked in with 58.6% of the vote in a run off against Marine Le Pen, or as she is known in Britain, aquatic the Steelo. Ah! Oh, that was talent genuinely painted, if...

No, but you know what, I'd written it down, as she's known in France, Marine Le Steelo. So I'd not got the aquatic part. Oh, I'd find... So the paint sound was, I've gone for the same pun as Andy. Oh, it's a good one. I went C-Biro, I raised it above it all. She's got two sisters as well. You assumed there's Marine Le Pen, Landle Pen and Air Le Pen.

Surely. Well, certainly a relief though, as suggestions of suggestions that it was going to be a lot closer than that, but LePente, the far-right progress skeptic and discontent of fire was defeated more convincingly than had been feared by those for whom any election that does not result in you screaming humanity, you f***ing prick, will you never learn, your TV is to be welcomed. It's, well, a relief, isn't it? That, I mean, you would have thought, you know, of all the nations in the world that ought to be, you know, really quite, quite livelyly aware of the dangers of far-right politics. France

ought to be very much on that bus. Third time unlucky. Can I say that? I can say that. That's their time unlucky. We had 2012, 2017, 2022, but she was excited to get so close. She said that. She said, a great wind of freedom could have risen over the country. And I just think no one wanted to smell a gigantic racist fart. I think she should be pleased in a way, because she keeps talking about how her party represents true French values, in which case she should be glad that Mackron won, Liberty, Egalite, fraternite, not sororite. You know, I also, just as a sidebar, I like this throughout most of the world, the word Liberty means freedom and hope, whereas to a Cockney it means someone is taking the absolute

piss. What an absolute liberty, E galotype, fraternity. Yeah. Just that was the first thing I pondered this morning. I'll grip on the word liberty. The great thing about the French presidency is we wait and we wait and we wait and finally once every five years we get good looking people in a political Vox Pop. I was watching that on BBC last night, every single one of them was gorgeous. You know what to do when in Britain are Ireland, it's a man walking out of a book he's with me. He's carrying me, nobody knows where he's carrying me, it's a fella in a vest with pork. We don't know does he live in the shop and only come out when he sees the camera, we don't know,

but it's always a fella carrying a leg of poor. Now, the challenge during this, as we've all described her as Marine Le Pen and various other puns and that, she's hardcore because her dad, John Marine Le Pen, was expelled from the party. So, she threw her own parent out of the institution that he embodied for years. There's a point in which Prince Charles is looking at this, gone. Hypothetically speaking, I wouldn't work to do this. How would one go about doing this?

The whole thing is, I was glued to the whole thing, but like some of her, some of her, her policies, there was a consternation about what would happen if she had won, right? And I saw a lot of the right wing press in the UK in particular, going, would, would Brussels know how to deal with that? And you go, yeah, how would they ever deal with this bland populist who wants to take the country out of the EU? It would be such a new challenge for them.

I'll tell you what the prep will be. It will be take the folder out, scribble after the name of Boris, write it in the name of Marine, and continue on their way. She did say, though, I think she backed away from Fraggsett recently, and she just wanted to kind of stop cooperation But the big one I thought was a bit weird was she wanted France out of the integrated command of NATO So I mean is this really the best time to weaken NATO? Is this the optimum time to we think?

It feels a little bit like the lion tamer deciding to put the chair down now as you hear aslan approach his stomach rumbling and carrying a machine gun it feels a little bit like that it feels like a Trojan politician running on accepting all gifts no matter how uncelested platform you know what I mean no we're going to accept it I know we didn't ask for it but if it's at the gates we are accepting that is my promise to you there's a package it, but if it's not the gate, we are accepting. That is my promise to you. It's the package out of you. Excellent. It's a new, lovely pinata, I always urge you. Hooray!

On the one hand, it ended up as a reasonably comfortable victory for Macaron, 58.5% to 41.5% Macaron swept a victory five years ago. A very powerful platform of being an almost entirely blank canvas with no discernible values and policies. Essentially, he was voted in as a void, but has lost some of that appeal because it's turned out he is actually a human and has been for the last five years. I mean, sorry, Andy, nothing more French than voting

in a void. That's the most existential way to vote. How are you going to avoid Satra? Where? I think there's a lot to be said for centrist voids taking power in all country. Are you listening, Matt Hancock? On the other hand, a far right party in France

got almost 42% of the vote. It's not, I mean, in the way it's a relief, but also a massively concerning one, isn't it? The share of the Le Pen vote seems to be going up. It's a bit. Yeah, it's a bit of a worry, isn't it? I mean, you got to the point though, when he seemed to be, he was kind of campaigning on Ukraine and all the rest, and then he got down and dirty in the last week with the chest hair pictures that went everywhere This is gonna take it out of the bag for me. I'm gonna get pictured in a crisp white shirt with four buttons undone and boy

We're not man commits he commits because he is a hairy individually It was like nipples on a brillo pad. It was brilliant and there was a million think pieces and a million opinion pieces about will this make people vote from and I think Probably did some people think that having a hairy chest makes the person Virile and strong and dominant and mean that's why torture one three elections. I think That's undoubtedly she had a very impressive chest man. That's why she was called the iron lady That's what she had to use to keep it in check. She was a serious individual in the end She should just keep them all the same length and just tie them in a little string.

In string, inside, in string. Tattoo by name, Andy, Tattoo by name. Yeah. You know, there's a certain responsibility with thatching anyway. I've got a sister that lives in the new forest. It's very complicated. When you say the new forest, that's a place.

She hasn't let it over a grow. No, yeah, that's a place. Yes. Okay. Old Holburn is not spilling out of the packet to cut that. I mean, I just, that's a phrase that, that me and my sister have bandied out for a few years in a very comedic way,

but I don't know that it should have made it onto this. Maybe it should. I'll, the old Holburn. Anyway, I think it was a lower turnout, wasn't it? Yeah, 72%, the lowest for a presidential runoff since 1969. But interestingly, that's the same percentage that turned out to vote in the Brexit referendum. And this is considered a very low turnout

in a presidential runoff, which happens every five years. What did you say the percentage was? 72. 72, you see, if that was a turnout for a fringe show for me, I'd consider that quite positive. I think 72% sales is break even in Edinburgh, isn't it? But also there were 3 million spoilt ballot papers and and not spoiled like you spoil an over-indulged child or dog because you love them so much.

And a kind of fog of frustration at the choices. I mean I spoiled my ballot paper regularly. I loved democracy so much. I fold it into an origami flamingo, take it out for dinner and then float it down the Thames but um but it did sort of highlight the you know that macaron has a number of bridges to to build he said non-to must be found to the anger and disagreements that led many of our compatriots to vote for the extreme right um uh but i mean that's the problem those 42% of the votes for uh lapen were cast in favor of the answer to that anger and those disagreements being more anger and more disagreements.

So I don't know quite how you resolve that. We always hear politicians claiming they're going to heal and unite their countries. This happens more and more as more and more countries become unhealed and disunited. There is a problem with this. We are living in the 21st century and specifically in the 2020s. We live in a world of the internet and all the hostility that that engenders. It's quite hard to heal and unite something

that when you offer to heal and unite it, generally, it's bonds, if you try to heal and unite me, I'll f***ing nut you in the chops. So this is a challenge politically across, across this, like offering to cuddle a shark. It's not language the shark understands and it is fraught with risk. Ukraine news now and it's still f***ing shit. However, one story has emerged that made me think that, well, things could get considerably

worse at returning workers at Chernobyl, who have been trying to identify bacteria, which is capable of consuming radioactive waste, fear that their work has been a mixture of stolen and destroyed by Russia. Now my concern here is that this research exists at all because developing bacteria that can consume radioactive waste is seen one in a catastrophic sci-fi movie. The fact this has been compromised by the war, is this necessarily a bad news story? The workers returned to their laboratories on the 12th of April and found that doors and windows have been broken and most of their

scientific equipment have been looted, damaged or destroyed. Now, bearing in mind, the competence the Russian military has shown thus far in their special military operation, which is of course not very special, not exclusively military and considered to be more than an operation. It is entirely possible that this was just the result of Russian soldiers trying to make a cup of tea and an omelette. So, I mean, this, I mean, clearly, I mean, scientifically, if you can get bacteria that eats radiation, presumably you can then develop one that eats all carbon emissions and we can just live the lives We want to live pollute as much as possible and just release our special bacteria into the world to clear up our

F***ing mess. I think this is absolutely extraordinary. We've been told by scientists for years I scientists were saying this area is going to be a wasteland the byproduct of fusion to be radioactive for 10,000 years And then some other scientists went, have you tried the aqued? Little bit of the aqued, the sort that out there. What is it? Oh, it's radioactive gas. Oh, that's actimel for radioactive gas. You know the ads?

Hmm, redone. We all know them. How does bleach kill 99% of bacteria? But the remaining ones can eat your radium. How does that work? How does bleach kill 99% of bacteria, but the remaining ones can eat uranium? How does that work? How does that work? Well, maybe it's like, you know, it says it's paper stone. Look, if this works, right, this is world-holteric, this is geoengineering.

I think we have raised the bar for what could be termed good bacteria. Do you know when you see an ad and they go, it contains good bacteria, essential for your gut health. Sorry, unless Piffa de Stygestion can eat uranium, I'm not interested. That amoeba over there has opened the door to limitless energy and your own means I have you shot myself in a week. It's at best an okay bacteria. It is not good bacteria.

I think your worry is a significant one because I mean it is, I know the scientists probably know what they're doing, messed around bacteria and really activity, but Bruce Banner thought that as well, didn't he? Have we guarded against getting an incredible Hulk bacteria? Do we really want like the supercharged Botox toxin to be released into the wild destroying wrinkles and an uncontrollable rate? You're walking around your local area. Do you see that greyhound? Yeah, you used to be a bulldog We don't want it. We don't want it getting into a spider and then it biting someone and then we're all using out of our wrists Well, yes, I mean, that's one way of putting it

Spider-Man does. Business have his risks. Yeah, I mean, that's one version of the original. Yeah, I would say that's one of a graphic novel. The other one of the original comics. But I, for one, would read it. Andy, I think you're taking a negative slone on this. I actually think this could be positive, right? They could have looted Chernobyl,

taken away a strain of microbes. It could be an inside plot. Maybe soldiers took them, hoping they're the type of microbe that thrives on vengloristic taters. Like, because that's the only way if you think Putin can really be stopped from someone with it, like someone within.

It could be a microbe that takes them out, because it's not gonna be on the battlefield, is it? So this is probably the way Putin's going to go. Like, and we don't talk enough, I think, about how everyday things drop huge historical figures, right? For example, like, why are, didn't, die from a gunshot at the okay, Carau? He died from a UTI. No way. Like, yes, they, he had sustitus. Like, Jesus, he had Sastitis. Jesus, that's a tetanus. He had Sastitis, that's what, why are you uptight from? And they don't show him drinking cranberry juice in tombstone, so we all know, you could have prevented it.

Oliver Cromwell is believed to have caught Saminella. So we didn't know he'd be smashing his way through undercooked chicken and bad eggs. Florence Nightingale was believed to have died from bacterial infection, brusolosis, then known as Crimean fever, quite apt. I'm just saying that this little microbe could be delivered to Putin, give him fatal thrash and he'll be smearing with penis with yoga until eventually he perishes, all the more cultured for it. I say this is a positive thing, this could be a positive. I see that. Yeah. I mean, clearly, generally, you know, experimenting on things that can eat the seemingly unedible, that's generally

been done purely on humans rather than on bacteria, as evidenced by the inventions of insert your chosen objectively revolting but secretly enjoyable tasty food stuff here. The researcher, Elena Perriniuk in this article on the new scientist website said, I still have a hope that my samples are in their fridge. We were trying to cultivate the specific microorganism that might eat lava concrete and steel constructions. Now I sense a new charity fundraising diet coming on here to raise money for Ukraine. I will only love a concrete and steel for the rest of this year. Well, there's a lot of every Welsh person's gone where we have bread so tough it up. Yeah, I know that I can smell that. I can smell a very, very impressive bush-tucker trial on I'm a celebrity.

Another research said, all our hard disks have been stolen. I mean, hard disks, that's not a phrase you hear very often. And you will put it in the cloud next time you're researching so they can save humanity. A hard disk is always preferable to a floppy one, though Andy. As a woman. Famous. to a floppy one, though Andy. As a woman. Famous. Famous. In other Russia, Ukraine news, Wimbledon, the renowned tennis tournament and epitome of Englishness has stepped into the breach and announced that all Russian and Belarusian

players will be banned from this year's championships due partly to having long and complicated names that don't easily fit on many of the scoreboards on the outside courts, but also because their countries have now achieved gold level elite membership status of the International Pariah Nations Club. But is this the right thing to do to sanction individuals in an individual sport

and which they're not really representing their country? It's been quite controversial. There's been both support and criticism of the policy. I mean, I think maybe it would be better to just ban players who display putty-need characteristics on the court. No, well, that volley has gone long played with heavy hands there behind the dial and heavy handedness is Vladimir Putin's stock in trade. So the Spaniard has been instantly disqualified and heavily sanctioned. Or should we just ban all men because Putin is a man, just cancel the men's singles championship or at least all men.

Cancel single men. All men with disconcertingly piercing eyes, which is bad news for Jockevic, I guess. I mean, it's very, it's not, I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer to this as a, as a sports fan. And it's some players of extra pro-piece messages. It's got hard for them to be overtly anti-putin because presumably they also have families they would quite like to ever see again. But at the same time, you know, sporting boycotts and bands can be quite effective. So, what, what, what, what, what, what do you reckon? Wimble don't like the Russians, more like Camty. The headlines, what write themselves if you were not there to write them for? This is a tough one, isn't it? I think I've been to Wimble, I didn't realize that

until I went to Wimble, then that the stewards are in the armed forces. I never realized that Wimble was actually there. So I think if you wanna do something that really annoys Putin or you can have a bit of crack with it, I think they should use that. I think they should wait until a very pro-Putin player is in the middle of a match. And all of the stewards from the Armed Forces get a phone call at the same time.

And they're all like, what? Not now, but I thought Nader was staying out of it. Oh, no, no, okay, okay, no, no, after Ukraine, what, not Ukraine. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no invasion and that would be a big invasion if they required the people who are stewarding out with them to make up the bulk of the force. Maybe the line judges will be next. The other options I guess rather than an outright ban would be to have sort of on court sanctions that disadvantage Russian and Belarusian players maybe reducing them to only one serve each so not allowed a second so maybe an adjustable net that would would be another option. A net that goes up when the Russian player is about to hit the ball, but then down when

the non-Russian player is about to hit the ball, so just to make it a bit easier, to have rackets that make silly squeaky noises whenever the ball is hit. Anything to discredit, the Putin regime and Nurekushenko, Putin's, Belarusian emotional support, despo, another option is to... To deep... Allow to be taken on the plane with him, to be sat on his lap. It's a deep... I've got a certificate for him. I have a certificate for him.

So, currently, in most of the tournaments, the players are still allowed to play, but without reference to their nationality without using their country's flag at any point, which you'd think, again, he's not necessarily an individual sport anyway. But the next step I think will be to de-rustify players' names whilst the swore is ongoing. So, for example, the World Number 45, a Catarina Alexander Overture, would have the plan to, Kathy Alexander, fairly simple. Andre Rublev, the Russian World number 8, Andy Robble, Arenia Savilekka, the Belarusian World number 4, Irene Savilfwait, I think the Yorkshire fans would get behind that, Aslan Carrotsf, the World number 33 from Russia, could be known as

fictional Jesus metaphor lion Carrots, and Dery Medvedeve, the world number two, either Bumpty Splodging or Tennis McTennis Face. I mean, I'd laugh at this idea of the anglicization of names, but if it hadn't been done to my country over many hundreds of years, that was just a bit too close to the ball. There are a bit too close to the ball. Why change a winning formula Winning is carrying a lot of you got a weird that argument as well. She tibbs already have mentioned crumb well I think it was his birthday today, isn't it? Crumb one of us to check it up my anniversaries. I think oh Christ

Happy crumb well done. Oh Oh Christ. Happy Cromwell day, Neil. Thanks a million. Yeah, 15th of 25th of April 15, 1999. Happy birthday to them. Bertha was fucking. Maybe forever be eating undercooked chicken. One of the other concerns that went well and would be the awkwardness of Kate Middleton, the wife of Prince William the Duchess of Cambridge, who presents the trophies at the end, having to present the trophy to a Russian or Belarusian

player and the political implications of that, and the suggestion that this could represent a propaganda coup for Putin. I think this could be used in a positive way that if there is a Russian or Belarusian winner, it's entirely possible, a number of players in the top ranks of both amends and the women's games, you can't really just stand there with the trophy saying, you can't have it, you can't have it until you're just all punting. Until you tell Putin he's a s**t. So come over here with your microphone,

say it, look down the camera and call him a s**t and then you can have your little drink. Other people also ban from this year's one will include people who are shit at tennis and I really hope that's in the chapter of the all England long tennis article one Clothes one are you shit at tennis? Ireland news now and well, huge ruckians Neil at Dublin Airport after it received 12,272 complaints last year about noise.

Yes. And there's a key part of this story that I've not got to yet. Will you just fill us in on exactly why those 12,272 complaints, particularly relevant. Very important. The God, a roughly 13,000 complaints last year about noise and 12,272 of those were from one person, which is absolutely fantastic. I think the most prevalent sound in Dublin Airport was the sound of your man ringing Dublin Airport.

I think it was just ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello Dublin Airport. I am calling because it can hear a ringing sound. Okay, stop boundless optimism of it. I mean I'd stop after a couple of thousand calls I think but this dude and it is a dude. Yeah, it has to be we don't know what it's a dude He's sitting there got five thousand one. This is the one I'm gonna make count This is the one five thousand and one. This is the one I'm gonna get my point across And if that doesn't work I'm going for five thousand two. Like does this number come up when the ring? That's what I want to know. And the last in the airport, like, oh, Christ, it's Tony. Don't answer this. We'll say we can hear the phone. He loved that. And then he just rings up or it's up to

fifty nine. And it's up to fifteen. Nine calls, I think, a day now. He's cranked it up. Cause I mean, you say it's 34 a day now he's cranked it up because I mean you say it's 34 a day that's assuming that was that That's assuming that he worked 365 working days In the year. I mean I've assumed it you know, it's a standard Well, it's actually standard eight hour working day with four weeks annual leave that works out in fact 51 per day 6.4 per working hour. That's one complaint per nine minutes and 23 seconds. And in 2020, 6200 complaints from the same person. So that's, it was 97% better year on year in terms of number of complaints.

And this year, 5,000 in the first three months, he's on course for a 20,000 complaints about noise at Dublin Airport. He is having standards. I don't think anyone in the future is going to be able to meet. But also, I mean, a bit more context on this. I mean, he's very much the Usain Bolt of complaining about noise at the Don Bradman of Dublin Airport complaints, but more so. He's like Bradman multiplied by bulk. However, just to put it in context, Neil, 91,000 flights taking off or landing from Dublin Airport every year. So this person actually only complained about one out of every seven and a half flights that go for a land. I mean, yes, it does. Yeah, he's not, okay. He's not been unreasonable. I mean, he's not ringing up about every flight. I mean, he's not mad, man.

I mean, it's only the flights would every seven and a half flights that really ticks him off enough to ring the open airport and see if they'll change their ways despite the fact that he's already running on 12,271 times already. Like, if you answered the phone to him, how would you not take the piss with that?

How would you not go? Yeah, have you thought about moving from under like that? Or what? You cannot afford it. Why can't you afford it? Or your phone bill is 45 grand a year. Can you see how these things might be interlinked?

I do wonder are all these complaints different though, because if they are then this might be one of the greatest performances of human creativity. If he's coming up with over 10,000 different, differently worded complaints about airplane noise, this might be one of the great linguistic achievements we've ever seen. Well, I'd say they're probably different now, but as you say as the numbers pump up, if you want to keep achieving quack andonibe described as capitalist growth, I think he's just going to have to shorten them. So if he wants the big numbers, he's just going to have to go loud.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because look, I've done over 500 episodes of the bugle, and they'll be honest. And I'd like to complain about all of them. Well, there are times when I find it hard to find new words as I'm sure my co-host this week John and John would Would testify But that wasn't a mistake as much as the wish for how to be I mean do we think that that we often see like you know with Federer and tennis inspired greater play from Nadal and and Jockavish and other players do you think that this

This heroic man heading towards is 25,000th complaint of the decade Which is not even a quarter the way through is he going to set standards that other Complainers are going to try to Yes, this is a level of petting this we should all aspire to. This smacks of someone who moved under a flight path so he'd have something to get angry about daily. And what I think this person is retired and the anger is fuel. Because when you retire you need, the older you get the more you care about smaller stuff, right? My parents can lose a day and a half if someone's part badly on their street. So like, we once talked for 45 minutes at dinner

about how a neighbour mowing the lawn dampened my dad's enjoyment of the cricket and it's kicking him off full summer to get over it. So I'm sure you can relate to this Andy. Yeah, absolutely. But it gives you something to do with the day, get annoyed and most of these complaints were lodged at night apparently so I sort of get it, it makes me more convinced the person is at least middle age because I know my 20s right, I could sleep anywhere at any time and now in my 40s I need a memory phone pillar, orthopaedic mattress, electric blanket, eye mask, complete darkness, pillows, brake, white noise machine, sleep so I'm cotton pyjamas, silk pillowcase, earplugs and three caps of

nightmares. Thank you very much. I wonder why you brought all that stuff when you came to see me do a gig. But I think, you know, noise pollution at night is a real thing and you just, you need to ask Scottish boyfriend now, Scottish fiance, because he said I snore and occasionally it sounds like a plane taking off. So, and more than more often than not, it's quote unquote, get ready with the bleeps here. Some treading on bagpipes is what it sounds like. So, so maybe, maybe this is not planes at all. Maybe this person lives with someone who snores. It's also possible he could actually be onto something.

He might seem like a lone voice now. But perhaps in 20 years time, we'll remember him as the man who began to expose the scandal of how the Irish government used the noise of aeroplanes to cover up the sound of stray cats and dogs being inflated like balloons and then whizzed across the Irish sea to wires. Britain news now, and Boris Johnson remains Prime Minister bafflingly, but the Conservative Party still seemed to be slowly turning against him. He still has his defenders, Jacob Riesmogg, much discussed on this show. And this was a heartbreaking moment for me. He compared Johnson's party infractions

and the fixed penalty notice he received from the police, the first prime minister to receive essentially criminal punishment in office. It's being like the DRS system in cricket, that's the TV on-par system in cricket. And Reece Morg said, sometimes the batsman in good faith thinks he's not at LBW. It goes to the third umpuh, he says it's out and then the batsman accepts the decision. It's exactly what's happened to the prime minister. Now, there's number things

that upset me about this. One is, I love cricket and I do not love Jacob Reese Morgh and I do want to hear him talking about cricket. It might be love the game less. And also it's totally inappropriate because essentially the situation with Johnson is he's made up a new rule. He's made up a new rule that you can't wear, say pads made out of puppies and then he's gone to the wicket with 14 baby labidos strapped at each of his legs and then said I'm sorry, I had literally no idea that was even a law. And also the unbiased looks at hundreds and hundreds of pages of evidence and photographs and come to that decision. So it was a deeply distressing week for me to be honest. Well, I actually wanted to bring in a friend of mine who's much more an expert on Boris Johnson, Henrietta Mouthpiece. Henrietta Mouthpiece here, Housewife, Mother,

Earth's Royal Columnist, fifth in line to the seat of Darbyshire, an opinion maker. Hello, hello to the bugle, you are welcome for having me. Listen, I want to talk very briefly about the paws. Firstly, I've seen a lot of the paws complaining, it's hard to get healthy food cheaply, and I just want to say hogwash darlings. some apples from your own orchard no scrumping little then take some fresh eggs from your chickens named after the mipford sisters of

course Nancy Decker Debs and the one that loved Hitler combined with some flour water and screaming at your maid voila you have an apple pie it's easy unless you are a complete idiot, get to it single mothers. Also if you're struggling when it comes to energy just let your nanny pick up the slack, cost of living crisis my dare yet. Do you know how expensive it is to hire from Poland? I offered to take you to the Ukrainian governess but I was told no go.

Anyway, also on the pause, let's get to it and their obsession with parties. It's high time they let this nonsense at number 10 go. I mean I understand they didn't have fancy wines like Bosom would have. Did I feel bad for them drawing lockdown in their council flats drinking antibacterial gel cocktails and watching Joe Wicks videos? Yes! But why should people like myself and dear Bosom suffer? If we elites don't have parties how are we supposed to breed with our cousins?

It's almost like you don't care about bloodlines. Why don't we focus on the real issue at hand? Working class labour women, flashing their dispatch boxes in the house of commons? Those poor conservative MPs, where are they supposed to look? We know poshmen love a bit of rough. I myself have had to turn a blind eye to the hubster's 16-year cladestine affair with our children's wetness. It's outrageous showing up at a place of work with your legs and weaponizing them.

Let's focus on Keir Starma failing to personally bounty hunt Jimmy Savile. What is the point of that man if he cannot retrospectively travel back in time and prevent all of those crimes from happening? Let's focus on Boris's flax and mane. A man to repopulate our diminishing island, which is also truthful for immigrants. Let's focus on the man who gave us great war slogans, such as rule of six, keep calm and distance, hands face space, and may they be printed on T-Tails and Mugs forever make Britain a litigant. Well, thank you for bringing a political perspective that sometimes underrepresented on the Bugle.

I can only apologise for Henrietta. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Sadly due to time constraints, we've not been able to report on a sensational geese in China story or in other bird news, world-spot being rocked to its foundations by perhaps the most disturbing pitch invasion in human history. A pigeon landing on the table at the World's Nougat Championships in Sheffield. We may report on the Snooker pigeon in next week's pupil. Snooker pigeon originally Jimmy Whitesnick name of course. Amazing coup hour. The end of this week's pupil. We will be back next week. Don't forget to buy your tickets to Satris Fahair at the Soho Theatre on the 9th, 10th, 13th, 14th, 16th, 17th, 20th and 21st of May and Police Submit Your Seterical Requests in as much advance as possible to satirize this at satiristforhier.com. Do either of you have things to plug?

I'll plug my Edinburgh. I'll be doing my new show, Sexy Brain, at the Pleasants at 8pm for the whole month, and there'll be a preview in London on the 26th. I think there's one up in Leeds at some point in July. If you follow me on Twitter, you can get all the information at Tip Stephenson. I am doing Edinburgh as well, the assembly rooms and I have a new podcast on Wednesday called Why Would You Tell Me That? So you can follow that. David, you can also listen to the Bugles Cister publication, the Glossy magazine to our Sunday spreadsheet. Spreadsheet, what's up? The, the, the, the,

you've gone in full statistician. I have them. That's, that's a shish. The Glossy magazine to the Bugles ruthlessly music broadsheet, download that from all available podcast outlets hosted by Alice Fraser with comedians from all over the known universe. We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers.

Don't forget, the lie offer is shortly to come to an end. If you want to have a lie told about you, we are getting through the backlog of subscribers. If you've already subscribed and not had a lie told about you, it will be coming, but we are going to close the light off. Well, when should we say, Chris, end of the month? Yeah. Yeah, and replace it with a new, something extra for our pre-medial launch. Sexy. Volunteer to the crisis.

No Chris, no, I kind of show. Yeah. Yes, yes. You're not on commercial radio now, mate. Um. And Andy doing a sex line would be and then he stroked the ball for the boundary. Good God yeah.

It didn't even bounce. Six. It's a six life. It's a six life. Could we not have Agony and Andy where people send in their problems and Andy solves them with protracted sports-based metaphors. That sounds like Absolace ratings winner.

I Honestly, I'm already coming up with a couple of scenarios that I think would be so fancy, isn't it? I know a man is gonna ring you 12,000 times this year. Anyway, here are our lies about our premium level of volunteer subscribers to join them. All together, one for a current contribution to keep the bugle free, flourishing and independent go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. Goodbye! Ben S spends much of his time thinking about the future of transport and has come to the

conclusion that for a more sustainable future, all current forms of transport should be replaced with a mixture of zip lines and zorbing balls. Quite apart from reclaiming the letter Z, says Ben S, gravity has proved a worthy foe for humanity over the years, and since it shows no sign of leaving, we might as well try to get on side with it and harness it. All we need to do is find a way of reversing it for the uphill bits and we're right in business." Brian Criskey and Apologies for any mispronunciation, thinks that international travel would be far

better for everyone if no one knew where their aeroplane was going to land when it took off, and would then deposit it at a randomly chosen destination for their holiday and or business trip. Travel opens the mind says Brian, and it would open it even more if you had to riff your holiday wherever you landed. Brian does acknowledge it would make packing the right clothing somewhat problematic, but adds, I don't see anything intrinsically wrong with going round the cysteine chapel and full scuba diving gear. Bill had that is on board with Brian's idea, specifically for business travel.

It could open up previously unthought-of business partnerships around the world, says Bill, and it would foster the kind of necessity driven, played as you see it in avation that has driven almost all human advances down the years, from the wheel to slice bread to the nuclear bomb and the pogo stick. And if you're not happy about that as a business person concludes Bill, have your meeting online and save a polar bear whilst you're at it, you're free loading, chance. Brett Pienasky is baffled by the continued inability of humans to domesticate the dolphin for travel purposes as was so successfully achieved on land with the horse. Dolphins are intelligent creatures, no it's Brett. We should easily be able to negotiate a deal with them as we did with the horses

that is mutually agreeable to both parties. We might have to put a lot of fish on the table during the negotiation, says Brett, but I think it could work and it would also be a lot of fun, by which I mean I've always dreamed of riding a dolphin. Here end this week's lies. Goodbye. as Brett, but I think it could work and it would also be a lot of fun, by which I mean I've always dreamed of riding a dolphin. Here and this week's lies, goodbye.