The Bugle - Let it all be over soon!

Episode Date: November 3, 2008

The 51st ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers, and welcome to a historic issue 51 of the Bughal for the week beginning Monday, the 3rd of November, 2008. It's an election special, and John, well, I am here in London taking the temperature

of public opinion about the US election in a hermetically sealed studio. It's lukewarm. It's a mixture of nerves and panic. It's not even hope now has been replaced by just fear that something terrible might happen. And also, happy Halloween, Andy. What is more appropriate than fear on this day of all days? Exactly. How are you celebrating Halloween? America's style.

It's just American style, I mean just dressing up. We are recording this on Halloween. What have you dressed as, Andy? Well, I've come dressed as a pumpkin in the world's biggest pumpkin. Which recently grown the world's biggest pumpkin in New York. It's a real pumpkin that you've got inside. Yeah, I'm just some just in it I have dressed like a slutty nurse All right, the reason is there was a big shot. There was a mix up at the costume fireplace I got this tight robbery outfit debasing a low-paid public worker and a 20-year-old college student from Florida

We'll be going out tonight dressed as an is-temning woman. I hope she looks good in a pipe It was a slutty and istemigwag. That was a big dress. Oh, absolutely. Is there any other culling? Also, here I've carved a pumpkin with a bugle in it and any children that have come to trickle treats over the last week, I've given an episode of the bugle

to whether they say trickle treats. They look confused, but they will thank me in the long run. The The The The The Monday of third of November, it means it's 51 years to the day, since Leica, the dog, was fired into space. The first creature fired into space. Get well soon little doggy, come home. Also happy birthday to Michael Ducakis, he's 75 on Monday the third of November. He gets older every day, doesn't he, John?

Apparently, he was going to celebrate by setting up all of his toys and action figures from when he was a boy, and giving a speech he would have given at his inauguration in 1988, had he not been robbed of victory by the American public. He's going to follow this by driving in a one car motorcade to his local shop to buy himself a box of chocolates, each of which he will give the name of a Republican senator and eat whole. As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. Now that Winter's coming, a special Bob Sled section is going in the bin, or review of

all the world's best Bob Sled computer games, including FIBT 2009, Plummit Pro 7, and Stephen Holkham's Bob Sled Bonanza. Plus, focusing on Joan Baez's new album about the Bob Sled, the twisting tracks of my soul. Also, preview of the 2008-09 Bob Sled season, including Can the Maverick Italian Toto-Splotter Rossi's revolutionary 1-2-1 formation really work, all of the tried and tested, 1-1-1-1, still rule the day. And also celebrity interviews with controversial Muslim cleric Abu Hakkan Al-Kahakalak, the

former Saudi Bob Sled champion, who now thinks Bob Sled is of the devil's toboggan's, and has called a fat one on the result of Samarits, and also with Bobzled America's leading Bobzled theme musical comedy act. And also in the feed, first in the new series of computer-isolations of what the Bugle would have sounded like in history, this week what the Bugle would have sounded like eight years ago on the eve of the 2000 election. Well, John, I just can't see how Gawkhan possibly lose it. I think G think that is probably

safe. Absolutely. I mean yes there's a bit of a hangover from the Clinton administration but there is no way. No civilized country in the world is going to elect Bush. Oh anyway it should be good. GOR should be good. If Bush wins I will eat my own face. Top story this week and the Congo. Just kidding, the US election. Congo really picked the wrong time to plunge itself into a bloody civil war. Well, we're nearly there, Andy and barring a huge surprise, either Obama or McCain will be president-elect by the next episode of The Bugle. That is, unless Hillary Clinton swoops in to take it at the

last minute, or one of the founding fathers comes back from the dead. Internity Mon Money would be on John Adams, he's got come back kid written all over him. This week saw the debut of a 30-minute Obama Primetime ad, which aired across seven US channels at an estimated cost of $1 million per channel. A speak to Americans, write where their heart is. The television set. And through the very thing, the television set was made for, the infomercial. Ever since John Logie Baird first dreamed of selling a two-minute

omelette maker to the public at three in the morning, his historic invention has been building to this point. The program itself should have been a writing disaster. It had none of the ingredients for a hit show. There were no ex-celebrities either eating bugs or learning to ballroom dance. There were no pets doing the funniest things, no crime scene investigation of any kind, and no over-privileged teenagers driving around in a Mercedes in the Hollywood Hills while arguing with each other. And yet, somehow, it received an audience bigger than the World

Series final game which followed it. That should be put into perspective, Andy. That was the lowest rising World Series in baseball history. It seems an alien concept, Josh here in Britain, John Ware, our longest particleical broadcasters, about five minutes. And even in that time, Stolemanage is usually to result in a fight for the crossword and a cue for the toilet in that order. This bold move proved that not only would Obama make a terrific president, he'd make a possible mainstream documentary make it too. Yes, his work would be a little syrupy, but it's hard would be in the right place. At some point, the spot was so slick, it could have been orchestrated by Karl Rove, which

I suppose is a professional compliment and a personal insult. In fact, no, I'd take that back. It was just an insult. I couldn't really spot in Obama's broadcast any overt terrorist messages, and it seems that the election gets close, he's really playing that side of his personality down. I think his campaign advisors have certainly said, don't make any major threats to America in any of your ads. It's just time and a place for it. The time is after the election

and the place is America. Right. Do you think you'll do it in an in-algaration speech? It'll come out. That's when people will be expecting it. So I think you'll probably do it sometime the following week. Oh, I see.

It'll just rip his chin off and reveal the fake beard underneath the real beard underneath the fake chin. But nothing on the scale of this ad has ever been attempted before, although Ross Perot did try a 30 minutes ad during his presidential campaign in 1992, and of course history proves that that worked brilliantly. Obama did admit though that he's not a perfect man. Yes, the Obama did say, I will not be a perfect president, but I can promise you this, I will always tell you what I think and where I stand.

Well there, not perfect. Don't start pulling that shit now. Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I'm looking for nothing short of complete perfection. Anything less is going to be a crushing disappointment to me. Rightly or wrongly, a Obama has got my unreasonable expectations right up. By the end of next year, I expect world peace, a strong economy and polar bears writing letters asking if there can be less ice in the North Pole now because they've got more

than enough. That's right, I expect both global warming to be over and polar bears to develop cogent thought, writing skills and indeed have invested in constructing their own postal system. That is what I believe I've been promised over the last year by the Obama campaign. If I don't receive it, I will take back the vote that I still cannot believe I don't technically have. This to me, John, this could be the own goal that costs in the election. I mean, that's the gap the McCain team has been waiting for, because we've come to expect over the years, we've come to expect our presidents to be perfect. We've become used to the ethereal Flawlessness in the White House of people like Bush Clinton Bush Reagan Carter Ford Nixon and so on it flawless men with souls of gold hearts of honey yogurt

Rippling six packs and quads to die for You know Jimmy Carter bench for 70. I did know that. I did know that. But he did it in people. He had a white spot and then he just had people hanging off the exact size. If this huge ad ends up working on Tuesday and he has it set a dangerous precedent, will future campaigns be boiled down to each side releasing one feature length blockbuster movie and playing it nonstop for an entire week. The boundaries are going to keep getting pushed back, who will release the first IMAX political ad. Maybe McCain should have not only released a similar video, but done it in 3D, giving

each home in America some 3D glasses, except, of course, judging the way that he's run his campaign so far, he'd have just used it for an attack ad, making a barmas face in black and white, luminously into people's front rooms. Well, maybe he could do the first 24 hour real time attack ad. The outtakes from a barmer's infomercial, absolutely hilarious. At one point, he saw a woman walk past her, looked a bit like Tammy Wynnett, and started singing, stand by your man. But then he couldn't remember past the second line, so he just got us

far as sometimes it's hard to be a woman, giving all your love to just one man, and then he couldn't remember past the second line, so he just got us for us. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman giving all your love to just one man and then just broke down laughing. Then there's another one where he puts on Bin Laden, Bid and Shouts death to the West. Death to the West, ehn. It's an out-to-john of movie. Oh, we have me going, eh? Well, it was a very funny joke. And he also said God help America instead of God bless America. But I think I was a Freudian slip. Such is the spending power of the Obama campaign. He's even bought 30 seconds of the bugle. So I'm afraid we're gonna have to run his ad now.

Here it is. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing, yes, that does seem a little light on content. But it's made me feel a bit better about it. It's all about impression at this stage of an election, John. That's right. We were never going to hear anything new from it. But I do feel that he's no real, that I trust the man that sounded presidential to me. I think it's a bit unfair, John. Wewing a bugle very much in favour of the democrats and that could prove absolutely crucial on polling day. So I think in the interest of balance, I'm going to donate 30 seconds of the bugle to John McCain who clearly can't come out of the

fall. So here's John McCain's 30 seconds of the bugle. I'll cut that off. Cut that off. That is a shame. That's beneath him Andy. Why does he keep stooping so low? Is America actually excited anymore, John? That's the only, you know, it's just days away now. It's tired, Andy.

It's like a box of the going to the ring of a prize fight. Excited jumping around, listening to the music. Bit of shadow boxing. First five rounds. Absolutely huge, but now America really is towards the end as both sides throw in towels, asking to stop the fight before someone gets hurt. Both boxing is just leaning up against each other and dribbling. But the key to the election could prove to be those who can't vote, for example, children,

dead people, Iranians and me. And I feel just as you do, just in French, I've watched a lot of this campaign on television. And I think we both deserve a go. I'll vote to be suppressed. Well, I mean, the Constitution. Which was never a good, I said at the time it wasn't a good idea that Constitution. This help America vote act that was passed, I think in 2002, seems to be fighting electoral fraud with electoral fraud. Trying to balance it out, by defrauding the fraudsters out of what they've fraudulently

thought was theirs. Now for our American listens, there are a number of reasons why you might not be allowed to vote. These include, if officials write your name down wrong, if it, therefore, doesn't match your ID, if your name is a bit like the name of a criminal, if you miss three consecutive electrons, if you look a bit shifty, or if you smell of oats, or if you whistle something that isn't a star-spangled banoine queuing up, or if you make a joke about electoral fraud, or where a Russian hat and pretends to be talking Russian into a secret mic in your sleeve, or dresses yogi bear, or smoke, or play, or have ever played

for the green bay packers, or have a car with a musical horn, or owner Swiss army knife, a cribbage board, or a moose, or a carrying out in the borschen, or if you pull the vault into the polling station, shouting, cho shouting, chew chew all aboard, in an attempted visual pun on the words polling station. All of these could get you barred. It may almost be the best thing not to vote because one of the interesting things about Tuesday is the sheer number of votes that may be cast. This is set to be the highest voter turnout in recent history, which sounds like it would be a fantastic thing until you hear what the possible consequences

of this could be. Voting stations in many key swing states have already seen unprecedented lines at early voting, and there are worries that Republican lawyers may attempt to slow some of these lines down, meaning that people may be unable to vote. Essentially, too many people may be wanting to vote. Essentially, too many people may be wanting to vote this time around. The system may be brought down by too much interest. We may see scenes only previously witnessed at the start of the January sales at Macy's. It seems somehow fitting, Andy, that it turns out the biggest threat to democracy is active participation. And the dangerous participation levels may come from everywhere.

A federal judge in Ohio has ruled that counties must allow homeless voters to list park benches and other locations that aren't buildings as their addresses. So they can vote. And here's my nightmare Andy, that there is an unprecedented turnout, even in the 90% region, you know, you've got homeless people registering their benches, people who've never voted before turning out and inranchising themselves, a historic moment of people standing up to make their feelings known. And it leads to a McCain-Pelin landslide.

Like that, that is my nightmare. In this moment of hope and people taking part, it turns out everyone is an asshole. Also, in the spirit of Halloween, here's something to frighten you to the very core. I just have one name and one date for you Andy. Paglin 2012. Because she has gone rogue over the last week.

She's always been very good at pissing everyone off except the Republican base, but now she may even be pissing some of them off as well. The Mackane campaign will have speechless this week when she alluded to being open to running for president in 2012 Indirectly conceding this election to Obama unless she meant that McCain will win But that she will then resign and run against him in four years or that he will win and then she will kill him I've got an idea and thought of that. She was a smoking gum. She will dress him up like a moose, release him into the White House garden and shoot him at a crossbow.

I've seen the look in her eye. When a McCain staff was told this by a journalist, apparently there was a long silence, and then he simply said, Ha! And that is the perfect reaction. And coincidentally, it is exactly the same reaction most of the country had when McCain first announced that she was going to be his running mate. Funny how things go full circle. Well, let's have a look at the formguides now. Opinion polls, notoriously untrustworthy.

Who would you rather trust? A few piddly opinion polls or the combined weight of history. So let's see what the formguides suggest. Well, it suggests that it's going to be a Republican win, John. I hate to rate this to you, but by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by

two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, one by two, I'd like to say, in the years, numbers added up to 10 was 1900, Republican win by little Billy McKinley. The last time the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series, 1980, Republicans won with little running right now. Also this year Laura Robson won the Junior Wimbledon Girls title, the last British girl to win that was Annabelle Croft in 1984, Republican win, that fellow again. Also this year Rebecca Adlington became the first British woman to win more than one gold at the Olympics since 1908. A Republican win that year by a little Billy Boy taft, famous for his pre-election call, Gentleman.

It's time to turn on the tafter burners. Come on, say my name. But he was the first person ever to use that phrase, say my name. Also, famous for his campaign slogans. Don't be daft, vote taft. And the unprecedented threatening vote taft, and the unprecedented threatening vote taft or you'll need a skin graft, and the simple but direct vote taft or you'll never see your wife and child again. So what can football tell us, John? Well, last time I mentioned

I did one the European Cup in a year in which there was a US election, was 1968, Republican win, tricky ducky niction. Oh, no. And also the European championship final, whenever, also Spain won the European championship football final we'll finalist you, one nil. And whenever a European championship final has finished one nil, that has always meant a Republican win or we're that 2004 was the only other occasion that has happened.

Also, it's the 51st episode of the Bugle and it's the 51st U.S. election. I don't know what that means, but I think it means a Republican win. But I can't, no, don't suck us into this. But here's a contradiction, John. There's a little slimmer of hope for you. Every previous time Germany has lost in the final of the European Championship football, 1976 and 1992, Democrat win. Thank you, Germany. I never thought I'd find myself saying those words. And here's something to think about for Democrat fans.

Lewis Hamilton, the British Formula One driver, is competing for the world title in the Brazilian Grand Prix on Sunday. He needs to finish fifth, if his rival, Maser wins to get the title. Now, this might seem irrelevant to you, John, but I think a bomb will be sat right next to his television, watching that race with his fingers in his face. Because since 1960, John, the Democrats have only ever won elections in years in which British drivers have won the World Formula One Championships. In fact, the last three British drivers to win the Formula One Championships, Hill in 96, Mansell in 92, James Hunt in 76, Democrat, Democrat, Democrat wins. So really, the future of the planet

is in the hands of Lewis Hamilton. That's a lot of pressure for the young man from Stephen Edge. I guess it just depends on what are you going to listen to, polls or statistics. Also, here's a statistic for you. This is the 10th election in a row in which the Democrats on their presidential tickets, counting the president and vice president have had more syllables in their surnames than the Republicans. A Barmer Biden with five McCain-Paylin with four. That's the tenth time in a row. Which suggests that Republicans choose people with short and simple names. If they haven't had a tricylabic candidate since Goldwater in 1964. I mean that that sounds interesting, but it isn't.

Well, no, which is it, itself is interesting. Yeah, but this is interesting, John. This is a course, this is a really sour note for the Obama Biden campaign. The last four present and vice-president tickets with five syllables in have all lost. DuCac is Benson, Mondale Ferraro, Mugavan Schreiver, and one other.

How long did it take you to walk all of this out? Have you done anything else? Have you seen your daughter this week? A daughter? A daughter? Oh, God. Oh. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Other news now, and well, it was also a bad week for Congo to kick off, because Britain has been distracted with the most infantile story of its recent history. I don't know if this has been big news in America, John, but it has been the lead news in Britain for four days in a row now. Russell Brands, a comedian and Jonathan Ross, the prominent light entertainer, been in trouble for prank phone calls on Russell Brand's Radio 2 show. And this has become the biggest story in the country, in the week of the American election a war in Congo continuing global economic meltdown. This has shown Britain at its infantile moralistic best, John, holding people to account when they think they might have done something that ought to offend them, complaining because if they

had heard what was said on this radio show, which was, uh, lured phone calls to the former Fulti Towers actor Andrew Sachs, this does sound like it's been entirely made up. Then if they had heard that, they might have been offended by it, and what they're really offended by is that other people did hear it and weren't offended by it. And that is how Britain, Britain, and that the, both the Prime Minister and David Cameron, the leader of the opposition, have passed their judgment on it.

And there have been over 30,000 complaints about this radio show, John, two of which happened at the time that it was broadcast. And the rest have happened since it was publicized. The BBC has basically been tearing its hair. It's almost literally tearing its hair. As it loves to do, it's essentially acted like a woman tearing her garments off, cutting off all her hair, trudging through the streets, whaling and beating her chest and despair, off the losing a pencil, off her getting to pack a yogur in a pack lunch. It is ludicrously

disproportional. It's kind of, I guess, you know, we've seen throughout history a couple of complaints escalating into a story way beyond its proper confines, like the US War of Independence. Basically started off with some guy in New England, St. Louis mate, hey Martin, I'm not too sure about that king, I think he's a bit mad. They're just gradually snowballs, it just happens quicker nowadays. Yeah, it's not made any news over here, Andy, just the fact that no one here has ever heard of any of the people involved. And if you remove celebrity from this story, it's hard to give a shit about it. But there you know, there is an element of pride in my country here, Andy, because never underestimate the British public's capacity for inexplicable mass judgements.

We are very good at wildly arbitrary moralizing. And that's what happened when you this repressed. We're like an emotional volcano, which has been dormant for years. We will do nothing for decades then, without warning, out of absolutely nowhere, we will violently erupt. The same thing happened with Princess Diana. Thousands upon thousands of people had died with very little in the way of public mourning. Then a woman we had no real connection to is tragically killed and the entire nation wails like banshee's

for a month. But the big question is what effect will the brand Ross controversy have on the US election, John? I think if anything, it's more bad news for the Democrats. I think it's going to favor McCain because brand is young, flamboyant and relatively inexperienced, which basically makes him Britain's Barack Obama. No, hold on, I can't even, I can't even let you make that comparison. One of those, one of those, it's a truly thoughtful man providing hope for the world. And one is really taking to the age of marriage.

And the other one is on the demographic. And the other one is on the demographic. Oh. Other other news now in Scotland, a football match-pring politician's and journalists had to be called off after it broke out into violence. He's one of the members of the Scottish Parliament. And some journalists, they were playing game

after 55 minutes. There've been too many appalling tackles and the Rev called it off. Now there's two explanations for this, John. One, it was in Scotland. They got a reputation to keep up. And two, they were playing football. And there is no activity so guaranteed

to bring out the dick in people when they're in with football. But I once saw you almost come to blows with comedian Alan Davies in a dispute over a throwing. I've never ever seen you that angry. It wasn't actually about a throwing. It was because he was being unpleasant to another guy on our team in front of his disguised daughter. And I was annoyed at that. It was still, it was a disproportionate reaction. The point is they should have the same sporting encounter here

in America, Andy. It would be great chance for both journalists and politicians to blow off steam. Maybe at the end of an election cycle, get the Republican National Committee playing American football against the New York Times. Full contact. Full contact. full contact.

And to be honest, I think you've got to probably expect a big win for the RNC there. But it does show, John, as a nation in Britain, we will be silently tolerant and uncontrollably apologetic when genuine grievances are there to be had. But not with football. I mean, when real big things happen, it's like the Battle of Britain, for example,

there are audio recordings of British pilots saying, excuse me, Mr. Messiermith, this is terribly awkward, but I'm going to have to shoot you down. I'm really sorry, it must be a frightful bore for you. I feel awful bad, there's really no way. Tirey old chap, sorry if it's boiling your war. But in football, a marginal throw on goes against us, and we're like a Viking who's had his longboat clamped

by an over-efficient traffic warden. There is a theory, John, that the World War I had actually finished as a draw on Christmas Eve 1914. They had a football match between both sides to celebrate, and one of the German lads went in studs up and fractured his late on a British soldier. And it took almost four years to break up during suing scuffle. And on armistice day in 1918, there was just the original ref still in the middle, blogging as whittles saying, right, okay calm down everyone, free kick to England and a yellow car for the German. No just a yellow, right, you can have a yellow as well.

Play on. I think we need to return to the Roman games Andy. Once a year give journalists and pitchforks, give politicians a sword and just let nature take its course. And you can even release a tiger into the rena if the whole thing's going on for a bit too long. The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The the The the The The The The The The The The the The The the The The The The They claim that Edward Heath leading us towards closer ties with Europe was a crime against the crown. Now, just a couple of things with this Andy. One, treason is the only criminal charge which still

cows the death penalty in Britain and two, Edward Heath died over three years ago. Justice! What this means Andy, that if found guilty, we're gonna have to kill a man who is already dead. Presumably, we'll have to exume his body, somehow find a have to kill a man who is already dead. Presumably, we'll have to exume his body, somehow find a way to bring him back to life, and then kill him again. There's a legal precedent for that.

That happened to one of a crumb world. Three years after he died, he was dug up and hung on the gallows at Tyber. Is that true? That's true. Digged at his. He sold us out, John. This is gonna be expensive for the taxpayer, Andy. But I do guess on the positive side, it will actually have to be the greatest scientific breakthrough in history.

So, you know, that is something. And finally, another news that tram driver in Vienna has been sacked after giving his passengers the Nazi salute sea-kyle. Without a charming. Without wishing to observe that Leather's never changed their spots. John, I think this guy might, I mean, you never know with these stories when they hit the papers, you know what, I mean, I know Austria has that best

a patchy record when it comes to Naziism. And you like to think that in the old days, you could always have a bit of banter like this with your bus driver, that anything coming of it. But I like to think this guy was misheard, John. And it wasn't a Nazi salute that he was giving. What he was actually saying was, Seek Kyle recommending to his passengers that they go and see Kyle McClacklin's

new film Baba Goes to Bollywood. Maybe he was saying sea Kyle suggesting to a passenger we're in a supermarket he might find a turban to buy. Maybe he was saying sea Kyle advising a passenger on what attributes are required to win around the world yacht race. Perhaps he was even saying sea sick oil, a little they got great Britain over its increasing moral decryptured and collapsing economy. Or maybe he was saying, he was saying Seek higher than us, he's a loop, but was interrupted before he could finish his sentence, is one of the many Nazi-error salutes I will not tolerate hearing on my bus alright. Perhaps he's just illustrating the world how much less dangerous Hitler would have been if only

people then have had the sense to only let him be a bus driver. And in fact he does a different dictator impression every week. He did Stalin the week before, his Stalin impression went along lines of Dotsford, Donia, C.U. in Siberia. He did IDR mean the week before that, thanks for coming on my bus, it's been great to eat you. And even Chuck's in a Hugo Chavez a few weeks ago, we apologise for the late running of this bus. This was due to American economic imperialism. Your emails now and this is a very concerned email, John, that has come in entitled, empathy for Mr Oliver. And you're right. Hello, John. And hello to you too, Andy, in brackets. I do not like being put in parentheses, my friend? This is going to come from Leland Jorry.

Good name, to let you off. Anyway, he writes, I just watched a bit on the daily show from the Pailin and Obama rallies. The level to which John Spirits has been crushed was palpable. You could see as the beast went on and on. John Spine slumped further and further forward. By the end, John, I'm surprised you could even remain standing. I can only assume there was some sort of structure just off camera, or perhaps a helpful intern keeping you upright. He's right, Andy. It has been an emotionally devastating

few weeks. You overdosed on democracy. It's not so much even on democracy as sections of the electorate that I've overdosed on. Yeah, it's fine when you're doing it. It's fine when you're talking to these people with, you know, the long-term goal being to do something funny on a comedy show. It's when you get home that night that you find it very hard to wash them out of your system. I'm not like I'm a lady, Macbeth, just standing under a shower as the water cascaded over me, just trying to wash it clean. So thanks, Leland, for your email, which Shirtlyland concluded, yours until the show starts to suck, brackets loyalty is for pussies. That's it. That's an American sign off.

Judge, each bugle on its separate form. And I was cheered up by this email from Erika, you know, Hi-O, so you know, Erika, of course, anyone in our Erica in Ohio, so in Erica, of course anyone in Ohio, you'll vote is worth about 20 times what anyone else is worth, so congratulations for that. And it's about Halloween. It's a dear thoroughly British buglers, in other words, Andy and whatever bits of genre main loyal to the crown, less and less, Erica, I've got to say less and less. My balls, my balls. As she says this Halloween, I was inspired by your Anglo-centric podcast to go dressed as the ultimate historical hotty, the British Empire. By donning a culturally confused,

hodgepodge of ethnic wares, I sought to honour the once vast but still imperial knockouts that is Britain. A highland-killed, improvised Indian sorry, Canadian souvenir t-shirt stuffed kangaroo and Shamrock bindi. Come together to make this costume both nationalistically offensive and terribly confusing to trickle trickles. And of course, like the real British Empire, I have blood on my hands and provide nothing but constant assurance of my own good intentions.

Absolutely magnificent costume, Erica. Absolutely terrific. What a look. A satirical fashion statement. We will try and put a picture of the costume on the Fugel page at timesanline.co.uk slash the bugle if we're on it. It really is, yeah. It really is magnificent. We're used to have everything. So to keep all your fantastic emails flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk, also on the webpage. You can see the bugle column and also various other stuff. Sport now and John, this weekend is a disastrous weekend for lovers of cricket.

The Stanford 2020 match is happening, I don't know if you've followed this in America, but basically the England cricket team has been sold out to a Texan billionaire called Alan Stanford. It's the single most repulsive cricket match in the history of cricket. Now in fact I'll go further even on that and say it is the single most repulsive cricket match in the history of the human race. I just feel dirty every time I think about it. He's built the ground and he's put all the money up for it. But he was filmed with one of the England players' wives sat on his lap

with his arm round two other players' girlfriends. He might as well have played this match in a window in Amsterdam. And he turned away from Britain's once interesting pastime and turned to America's pastime, the baseball Andy, the World Series, made even better this year that it wasn't so much the Phillies against the race, it was baseball against the elements. Because the final game was suspended due to rain and then picked up, and it really was baseball against rain. It's high time now to have all sports put up

against weather conditions. Let's have football versus tornado. 10-ish versus earthquake. Let's see if sports can survive. In fact, we did do a preview of the baseball season back in March just before the season began. But we had to be edited out of the WGL then because we didn't have enough space for it.

But it's very interesting, listening to it now actually. If you listen to this, this is how we predicted how the season would pan out back in March. Well, John, I just think it could be the Phillies year this year. I know they've been rubbish for years, but I think they've got a good spirit building, a strong bullpen. I really think they could go all the way.

Yeah, but I'm going to put all the money I've ever owned in my life and on the fillies to win full one against a race, but I won't stop there. I'm also going to add on to that that the entire Boston Red Sox are going to die of typhoid. I think the Yankees are going to struggle, and although the Cubs got an excellent squad, I think they've still haven't got over their mental problems. I think they're going to do a massive choke in the postseason. And I also think that the some Lewis Cardinals are all going to change their name to Albert Pooholes in order to go down. What if they don't they should? I'm thinking about doing it myself. I've seen your passport, John. You've done it.

So that was our prediction of the baseball season. Irrally prescient in most respects, I think, to... Yeah, just apart from the typhoid thing. Also last week we had the final of the World chess championships and I'm afraid these were mards by ugly scenes of violence. John India's Vishwanathan and Andrew Tainedist title against his rival Vladimir Kramnik from Russia and also known as the Chennai Czech Mater, saw off Kramnik the Kremlin King Toppola, six and a half to four and a half in Bonn in Germany. And at the end of the match, the Indians slid over to his thousands of adoring fans,

penned behind fences in the stand behind the white end of the board, thumping his chest, and yelling, I'm so good at chess, you'll have to eat me to beat me. And Anne's fans, character way in the moment. Then started taunting Kramnik's notorious hardcore supporters, a gang known as Vlad's Lads. The Russian fans responded by hurling chairs at Anans fans. Before holding up bits of cardboard in the shape of a knight and lobbing them across the arena,

Anans supporters then charge at the Russians, ripping up the fixtures and fittings from the Arden exhibition hall in Bonn, and throwing their commemorative cuddly castles at their rivals as the two players were whisked away by security wearing their obligatory sponsors caps. The police then batten charged both sets of fans, leading to widespread mayhem. Cramnik fans got a hold of the championship board and jumped up and down on Anand's white bishop. MVP in the final 11th game after taking

a night in two pawns in three moves before helping set up the final checkmate with a classic Corsican scrape maneuver. The Anand band, known as Chess's most brutal hooligans, then held the two player special clocks through a stained glass window. Tegas was released by the police, and as the fans poured out on the streets of Bonn, the violence raised on. One policeman was injured when a porter and Gary Kasperov hit him in the eye. Army reservists were called into carbon situation, and three arrests were made. The tournament organizers claimed there was little they could do.

These aren't chess fans, said director George Klopp and Schlegger. They're just tosses. It's like the 1980s all over again. They wouldn't know a Sicilian defensive. It's shat all over their cornflakes. And just time for the bugle forecast, John. Well, they can only be one forecast this week. John, and that is, who's gonna win? Well, I just, I just don't want to say Andy. I just cannot bear the thoughts of one option. I can't even vocalise the other for fear that I'll jinx it. I just, please no. Let's just cling to this little beacon of hope, John.

That Wednesday morning will be the first time for 12 years that the world can wake up the morning after a year of selection without having to worry that George W. Bush has been elected 12 long years. So next week we'll report back with how much the world has changed. Bye bye! Bye! Happy voting!

If you're allowed to vote. Ah, come on! you