The Bugle - Little Pink Things (4213)

Episode Date: November 27, 2021

Brand-new parent Alice Fraser welcomes Andy into her family flat in Sydney, Australia to discuss babies, lockdown protest nutters, a cricket captain dick pic, Peppa Pig World, and flappity salmon.Listen to out new series, The Bugle Ashes Urncast: http://pod.link/Urncast Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - NEW Christmas sweaters now on sale!Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of most episodes with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ped Hunter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, butlers, and welcome to issue 4,213 of the bugle. Audio newspaper for a visual world, albeit a world that seems increasing to have its visuals

viewed through a thoroughly smashed kaleidoscope of confusion, recrimination and introspection. Happy times, I am in Australia, in Sydney to be precise, just a few miles north of where in 1770 Team GB's captain Cook landed narrowly missing out on the title being the first person to discover this ridiculously massive but heroically uninhabitable continent by a mere 60,000 years or so. Another near miss for Great Britain on that one. And who should I have bumped into here? But someone who until recently sported a very impressive bump, uh, fresh, from a recent sprogification. It's bugle, new parent of the month for October 2021. Alice Fraser, Alice, uh, well, a congratulations and be alone. Hello, hello, thank you. Hello, Andy, hello, bugleers. I am, yes, I'm now one less person than I was a few weeks ago.

Oh, congratulations for going back down to just one rather than two, thank you. It's an extremely strange feeling, but not as strange as it was before. I should say we are recording in Alex's flat. What is, I mean mean is cupboard 2 grand? I mean it was a laundry and now it's my podcast studio but it is very much a one-man podcast studio and by one man I mean one medium-sized lady. It's also on the sixth floor of a block of flats and the weather here is you know it's weathering. British rather than Australia. Yes you seem to have brought the wind and also we overlook the ocean. It's windy.

So this may be a more buffeted sounding bugle than normal. So I mean how have you enjoyed your first month and a bit of baby control? I feel very happy and lucky I have the best baby in all the world, which, you know, I think if anyone wants to challenge that claim, I do believe me. I have been training my baby for baby fights and I reckon my baby is going to win. First of all, she's f**king blessed. For which I take all credit for, I feel, yeah, I feel very pleased with myself. I have not had a lot of sleep.

So if I'm not as funny as I usually am, turns out that my funniness was sleeper-lined. And if I'm more funny than I usually am, this could be a spiral that ends badly. We are recording on the 26th of November 2021. Sunday, the 28th, will be Aura Awareness Day. Oh really? And to mark Aura Awareness Day, which is obviously a huge day for everyone around the world, we are giving a free extra 10% Aura for all bugle listeners. This is an addition to the regular extra Aura provided by just listening to this soul-inspiring newscast every week. This does come with caution. Aura additions are cumulative. If you exceed 200% of your regular aura, you

may be swept up to heaven in a golden chariot. If you cannot be held responsible for any apotheosis, resulting from claiming the 10% extra aura offer, if you start hearing ethereal music, please seek help immediately. I've once had a lady read my aura while she was waxing my undercarriage. Right. Yeah she said you have you have the sad energy about you. Well. I think I get the knees apart and I said because you know you if somebody says that about you you want to make them happy so I was like oh yeah make my grandmother died like a year ago. Right. And she was like don't worry she's watching over you right now.

Really? Well, you're having your own. Which I was like, I was not as reassuring as I think she thought it was. Well, that's a lovely story. As always, a section of this podcast is going straight in the bin. And this week, appropriately enough, we have a baby tips section. Obviously, the best advice you can give to any baby and its parents is to listen to the bugle as often as possible.

It's important. From a very, very early age. I would thought I was put on this morning and had to leave it at home and I genuinely suggested just playing one of my podcasts. She got crazy. We have given baby tips on the bugle before but advice always changes when it comes to these things, hasn't it, has been through history. And back in issue 243 we did share this piece of advice when baby pukes on your clothes resist the revenge impulse to counter vomit on its clothes that came from the Royal Society of Personal Vendetta's.

I think that still stands. I mean, that stands also occasionally if you are feeding a baby, your baby will vomit on your tits. And it's hard not to take that as an insult. Yes, I mean, I've been vomited on not just by babies actually, by an audience member at Cardiff University at a stand-up gig. Wow. Didn't vomit on me, but his vomit did reach my shoes via splatter pattern. Complement or insult? I thought so was either, it was right at the start of the gig. So, I mean, if it wasn't in Salti made his mind up before or the gig

What he thought the evening was gonna provide? And also of course we gave the issue the advice back in the issue two four three two unburden yourself of all the criticisms and complaints You're likely to want to direct at your offspring when they're older, but as we know Humans become more sensitive to criticism with age. So what I would advise you, Alice, is to, before your baby can interpret language and can't really tell if you're saying, I love you so much, I can't spell schnitzel anymore. Or I'm Napoleon Bonaparte, and I'm totally addicted to bass. Or by tickets to Andy Z's Oldsmans recently announced Australia show, four dates, Adelaide, two in Melbourne and one in Sydney, more details later in the show, and of course is UK Touring

for Every Mod. Your baby doesn't know which of those three things you're saying, so you mod as well, just, you know, just all the insults you want to give the child through their life, get them out now. It's a stack them up. Yeah, that's not bad. I find I have very little conversation for the baby. Yeah. You're meant to talk to them because it's good for their brains and everything, but I find I'm not good at talking to myself. What baby tips do you have or are section of them?

Well, insights that I've had into babies that if you are going into having a baby, you should probably keep in mind. Your baby is somewhere between a sort of a transcendental hope for the future bright spark inspiration to your life and a barely sentient tube. And we'll flip rapidly between those two states and some sort of quantum flux. As a mother, this is the first time I've said the phrase as well. And I'm not sure I count. Sure, I made a baby in my body and I'm currently it's only source of nutrition care and comfort.

But I haven't had a moral panic about rap music or video games or gender non-conformities. So can I really be considered a real as a mother mother? I don't know. I don't know if this is a tip as much as it is. It's a weird thing to be food. Yes. Eat of this milk fruit is my body.

It's very mundane task being food, but when Jesus does it, it's a big deal. That's, there's my tips. I've got a couple more new tips to add to those old ones from from back in the bugle past. Record every noise your baby makes. I don't know if you've been doing that, because new research is suggested that babies cry in Morse code. in Morse code. So if you hear a short cry, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha. It's quite a classic pattern of crying, which is slightly extended to that. That actually spells in Morse code, wha. But you have to record it just in case your infant has been sent from a deity or deities with a secret message for humanity conveyed through their muleings, so keep kept tabs on that Alice. And also the chances are that you're going to have a falling out at some point with your

child and you want to be able to threaten your progeny with cancellation because you've got proof that they cried something offensive in Morsecurg when they were three weeks old. Just put that aside. Well, I have actually incidentally recorded some of my my baby's noises because I've been doing what I'm calling NFTs or night feed thoughts on my Patreon where in the middle of the night in order that these people don't stop supporting my lifestyle, I record my philosophical 3am baby feeding thoughts and turns out my baby eats quite loudly. So she's upstaged me in the comments section. Everyone's like great noises. Also tips on how to get rid of unwanted attention from queuing passes by.

Just a few simple phrases, yeah, if you just want to get rid of people giving excessive attention to you and your new child. phrases such as, oh it's not mine, you just go with the flat-on renting. The baby's name, the Antichrist, why are you running away? It's just you're off a Theodore, Anthony Christopher, why do people look real at that? Or you could say yeah, I had my COVID jab and then like a week later out of the blue, I just go into labor and here we are. Did you know about half the babies in the local pressure? The same, something's going on, anyway, how are you? Or keep a portable speaker hidden in your pram or other param baby laterally vehicle or in any kind of baby carrier or behind a baby's head with a playlist of these phrases to make it look like you have a talking baby. It's very nice to

meet you. Can we do lunch sometime? Call me. Or help help. I'm a 43 year old American intelligence agent trapped in a baby's body. Or what's your view on QAnon? Personally, I think there's something in it. Option four, between us, can you shout me a burger? A f***ing hank milk. Well, look, it is true. It is true that a baby is an absolute magnet

for women of a certain age. I think that babies must be deadly to old ladies because they are drawn to babies like moths to a flame. And I feel obliged to fin them off for their own safety. That section in the bin. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Top story this week, the world is going mad about Covid. A couple of things happened, well, sort of pretty much the minute I arrived in Australia. One will touch on later regarding the cricket, but also protests all over Australia about about Covid. And specifically, in favour of more people getting ill and dying, it seemed to be. The so-called freedom rallies, people

protesting for the freedom to both suffer and spread avoidable illness, which I guess is one of the most precious of all freedoms when you think about it, for our antecedents, for so many war, for these have been happening all over the world, but particularly in Australia, where the case numbers have been, I mean, you've been absolutely hammered by, but I think we've had 50 times more cases than Australia. And you're not really making much of an effort to catch up. How do you explain this phenomenon? Look, I think Australians don't know when they're onto a good thing,

would probably be the other than brunch. We appreciate brunch very much, but certainly we're getting a lot of propaganda from America and the UK and Canada and Australians like an identity of our own, so we just sort of think that we're the same, which we aren't actually. So I should point out, these protests are against COVID regulations and lockdowns and forcing people to have vaccines. Yes, which we're not doing. We're not forcing people to have vaccines? Yes, which we're not doing. We're not forcing people to have vaccine-series, sort of private businesses that are doing vaccine mandates, and also all of the lockdowns are mostly ending as we hit these vaccine targets.

So it seems like a little bit of a late, late rally. And this is not huge numbers of people, sort of thousands of people across Australia, which is quite a big country. But the Attie Vax protests are just one of these fascinating modern phenomena where all of the different sides of the debate, which there are about six, all of them are calling each other Nazis, including the Nazis. I saw a man on a train. I was overhearing his conversation and he was saying he had a swastika neck tattoo.

So first of all, important piece of context, this little piece of conversation. He had a swastika neck tattoo and he was calling the Australian government fascist. I mean, you can't accuse someone of trying to perpetuate the fourth right. If you look like you approve of the third price. Just. Yes, I mean, that's, I mean, at best a tainted brand, certainly. So I feel like this can be all contextualized by a man that I used to know, he used to live in the suburb and he sold nut butter from a small shop,

and it was like really fancy, expensive, delicious nut butter. So with a macadamia and coconut oil, it was absolutely delicious, and it cost like $12, and it was a way with macadamia and coconut oil, it was absolutely delicious and it cost like $12 and it was amazing. And he would wear shorts only and you would go in and buy the nut butter from him, he would call everybody captain and he maintained firmly that everyone needed to do six shits today for optimum health and that you needed to begin your day by drinking a liter of salt water. And his walls were lined with pamphlets telling you about how they were parasites in the water and the government was controlling the radio and he was a delight. He was a delight.

Throughout my teens I would go in and have a chat with him and he would tell me about half and I needed to do poo. And he enriched the society of which he was a part. He was a figure in the community. The problem is that now the internet means these people can find each other and organise rallies. Right. And that makes me sad.

Yes. Because Captain Nut Butter, one lone Nut Butter Salesman propounding the virtue of six shits a day enriches a community, but they should never be linked up. I think is my theory. Six shits a day, that's a logistical nightmare. It's true. I do a is my theory. Six shits said I'm a logistical nightmare. It's actually a mission. I do a mission of trading of some kind. He just thought no disease could linger in the body if you were doing that much proof. I have to say my baby does

significantly more than that. Yes, I've seen your baby in action. Yes, highly efficient system. So Felix, what are the things have happened at these protests. There were chance to hang the premier of Victoria at Dan Andrews, who's trying to pass the legislation in Victor. There's another thing with Australia that's, you know, it's a country, but it's a sort of federation isn't it, of different states with their own government, and then the national government on top. And it seems to be causing quite a lot of confusion with COVID, but people who are brandishing nuces

and gallows at these rallies, they're kind of measured sensible healing and forward thinking, language and actions. They really help to spell the sense that everyone involved in these protests is a certifiable platinum-grade f*** with. They also chanted Aussie Aussie, Aussie, I, I, I, which is a lot of cricket chant, isn't it?

It is a cricket chant, as far as it goes, it's sort of very patriotic but also implies a lack of confidence that you haven't got someone's attention yet. Well actually what it turned out to be, it wasn't complete, Ozi Ozi Ozi, oi oi, oi, they missed out the three vays after the ois. So standards are full and Andy, it used to be Ozi Oie Aussie, I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon. I mean, I guess, you know, some people have legal concerns about the proposed pandemic bill and Andrew is drawn apart in terms of transparency, accountability, potential future, misuse.

But those types of concerns about legislation generally not best expressed by death threats or stating mock executions. I think that undermines an argument. Your political message, yeah. It worked, it worked for the French Revolution and it hasn't worked since. Right. I think that's looking more the exception that proves the rule rather than... Yes and also I don't think post-French Revolution France was that greater place to be. I didn't know, no. And also in Australia, surely you don't do mock executions, you do mock transportations to the other side of the world. Surely. Maybe not such an arresting visual.

If you're a f***ing thinking about your Instagram post, but still. When the Brisbane crowd at a protest in Brisbane was asked by a speech giving protester and I apologise to the likes of Emily in Pancas Martin Luther Luther King, Nelson Mandela, the guy who's dug a flower in a tank in Tiananmen Square, Rosa Parks and many others who braved the establishments and powers of their time and placed a drive human progress forward for using the term protester about these people. But the Brisbane crowd were asked what they thought of the Queensland Premier Anastasia Palachuk and someone shouted hang the bitch. So clearly able to

cling on to misogyny as well as f*** with delusionism, which is impressive multitasking in a way. I applauded. Right, out of context. That's going to look bad. People are wearing my body, my choice t-shirts. Now many things I would endorse that sentiment, but the problem is the subtext is your body also my choice when people are refusing to have the vaccine. Yes that would work if human pregnancies will done like fish with them and you had it men walking down the street spraying clouds of permeable. Don't say that. People will get ideas. There's a protest here in Sydney as well, you'd enjoy it. I did not, other than witnessing the man with the swastikata to on his neck and

his... It is a very curious, uh, Scandi, Noah crime novel. Well, either he was full of irony or he was unself aware from the neck down. Well, he has noticed. I don't know what's on my neck, it's possible that it was put there as a prank some years ago and he's never... No one said that. People are slow when you've got food running down your mouth after a meal. People generally won't tell you why. Yeah, or someone's wearing a beret and you're not sure if it's on purpose. Yes. The accidental beret is one of the greatest fashion and faux pas. It's not just Australia where people have been protesting,

violent protests in the Netherlands of all places, surging cases of led to tightening government restrictions and the prospect of further controls on the unvaccinated, which is understandably a riled people who like to think of themselves as vectors of the sacred will of infect so, the ancient virus God. Very important to the people of the Netherlands, of course. There was a pile of blazing bicycles and a protest in the hage. In the, I didn't even know you could set a pile of bicycles on fire.

Which is how angry people are. And it really, it is one of those very adding insult to injury things because it takes the environmentally friendliness of bicycles and completely f**king stand out the window. the environmentally friendliness of bicycles and completely f***ing stand out the window. I think there's something, I mean it's maybe not quite as haunting as the weeping penguin, but the burning bicycle I think tells us a lot about the world we live in today. Yeah, it's really taking your carbon footprint and pissing in it. Cricketers failing not to take pictures of their own penises news now, and Alice, it was 15 minutes after I landed in Australia, that the Australian Cricket captain Tim Payne resigned after it emerged that he had shared photograph of his gentleman's googruches with a lady, consensually apparently, but the lady was emphatically

not his wife. It's a curious rather sad tale, so he resigned, he'd been captained for about three years, he came in after the ball-tampering scandal of 2018, see Bugle 4,064 for details. The idea was that he was supposed to lead a new better behaved more open more honest Australian team but he's now had to resign because of these photographs of his of his groin. It's a confusing story because I mean of all the many design design flaws on God's earth, the male ganagilums, I've got to be right up there aesthetically, sure. Yeah, you don't, you don't, I mean you do, okay, one ought to lead with the junk, I feel, I feel, I feel like the

whole sort of courtship process is a, as a pre-apology. If your penis is the most attractive thing about you, you have a problem or an incredibly attractive penis, but you know what I mean? It's just sort of not it's not a thing. Yes. As far as I know, the thing that I very much enjoy about a sexting scandal is that we find out what middle-aged men think women think is sexy. And they're wrong. I feel like instead of firing people from their jobs, you should give them a reading list, you know, Napoleon's letters to Josephine or Frida Kahlo to Diego Rivera or just some shakes, but just the best of Grindr, anything with some spark and flair. Right. It's just so embarrassing to read, sexting, scandal, sexts.

Yes, they're not good quilters. So why not send a nice photograph of Michael Angelo's David's junk? Because it's beautifully sculpted. There's a bit more to it, really. Yeah, yeah, or do something, okay, I would forgive a sexing if it had creativity involved. Yes. Although that said there was that censor in America who flotted his into a glass of wine or something.

Do you remember that? Yeah, I mean, it is confusing, you know, the etiquette of what you're supposed to do at a wine tasting. And put some coogly eyes on it. As a result, this was dealt with, sort of dealt with at the time, that they decided it didn't contravene disciplinary procedure. It was a bit confusing, just before he was Australian captain, and he dealt with it with his wife and family at the time.

Now it's been dredged up through the merciless prism of modern media. So it's all kind of sad and English cricket at the same time in the build of the assages is being torn apart by a very belated attempt to reckon with its racism problem and none of it is going well for anyone and the glory of the cricket is being somewhat overshadowed by a mixture of extremely serious problems in the game and a ridiculous story about a cricket as Willie. Yes well for a long time cricket managed to cruise by on being an artifact of colonialism somehow untarnished by the CD underbelly of colonialism. So it's not surprising that this particular angle is coming up now, but I hope that you guys

can work your way through it probably over the course of slightly longer than other people who want you to. Another puzzling thing is that, you know, this is in 2017, you thought by then, all sports stars have been given the basic training of any sports team at any level above completely amateur and hopefully even that, and that less than one, don't send people photographs of what I believe Bob Dylan described as your jingle jangles, and none of you will ever be able to listen to Mr. Tamborine man in the same way again. So the New Australian captain, you know, we took about a nominative determinism, this is I don't know nominative irony, Pat Cummins is

is the new captain and he's a very impressive man Pat Cummins. Despite having the name of a sexting scandal, yes. Maybe because he's had to rise above that and become hugely impressive, a huge impressive young man who had years out the game injured and studied the sort of ideal role model. But he said, I'm not perfect in a press conference today.

And I don't believe him, to be honest. I mean, look at him. He's an extraordinary, extraordinary creature. More on this story, and indeed the entire S.Series in the Bugle Ashes earn cast in which Felicity Ward and I will chronicle the latest installment of this great historical sporting rivalry with states back to 1882. You'll be able to get that on the internet, as indeed most podcasts are. It's going to be very good. And if you want to listen, there will be a link to the show in the show notes

to this. I'm reliably informed. I assume you'll make your own notes on all the Google shows anyway. We'll have guests on it as well and no to help. At some point, Cricket will break out so far. In the old days, Alice, teams used to take about six weeks getting here by the boat. They'd play about two months of cricket and then finally, if anyone remembered, they'd actually get around to playing an England for Australia game. And now England's stuck in a hotel in Brisbane, trying to play a game basically against themselves, but that got rained off. And Australia, a discussing junk. It's not a classic buildup to an asti-series. No, but there will be a pyre of vanities. Is the bonfire of the vanities? I don't know what I'm

talking about. A funeral pyre of vanities. That's when the vanities have died, which may happen at some point in the human history. Another factor in the ashes, which no doubt, we will be covering in the bugle ashes, oncast, is the presence of of Lanina, the cold and wet weather system, which has turned Australia entirely grey as far as I can work out. Yes, yes, it is wet, it is damp, it is moist, it is chilly, it is not going to be a bushfire season. So it's all upside from my perspective, but obviously you're coming to Sydney expecting beautiful clear sunny skies and our normal weather deeply disappointed. It's only this week,

so I'm blaming you, really. The talk of once in a century rains splitting down on parts of Australia over the past week, but the problem is once in a century event and now happening approximately once in a hundredth of a century. Yes, it's called time inflation. Okay I mean this is a new angle on global warming skepticism matters. Oh it's not global warming, it's time inflation. Time inflation. You know how time passes quicker as you get older in this race towards death. And that affects weather more than... Yeah weather is having a midlife crisis. There it's fine, it's absolutely fine. I mean, it's not good for the Australian brand though, is it? The classic combination of Sun, Sea, Sand and Starcling, obviously warning to impending

catastrophe, the four S's, but now it's just going to dampen wet. Yeah, you're not even going to get skin cancer from looking outside as an Englishman. What's the point in coming? When I used to do surf lifesaving, English people would come and we had a we had profiling of English people That was about the way that you approached them because they would be drunk and passed out brick red on the sand And you had to wake them up to tell them to put suncream on as part of our duties and surf lifesavours And you had to approach them by touching their foot with your foot because they would come up swinging Have you learnt an indictment on your culture? Well, add it to the list.

Just try to help them. Britain news now and well it's been absolutely delightful to be away from Britain over the past few days because the news was dominated for a while by Boris Johnson giving a speech that really was another proud parade of his lamentable unfitnessed high office, medium office, or even low office. And it speeds the confederation in British industries, began with the usual blustering platitudes complaints about the state of the nation, despite the fact that his party has been in charge of the nation for most of the last 40 years. Absolute denial of any form of reality and

responsibility, selective economic nuggets of potential half-truths. Before I then descended into the equally traditional Thumbling Incoherence and Pointless verbal twattery, and at one point, he started extolling the virtues of Peppa Pig World, the theme park based on the children's cartoon character, Peppa Pig. He said, is very much my kind of place. It has very safe streets, discipline in schools, and a heavy emphasis on new mass transit systems. You missed out a few things on that list,

that clearly it's kind of placed massively under funded public services, dog whistle politics, and carefully constructed social divisions. So maybe something for the theme park to work on. I mean, you missed a trick that Peppa Pig is the sad gritty reboot to the colonial classic, which is salt pork on a convict ship. Of course. Of course. I'm going to sit with Tory leaders and pigs. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Other news now and what's some exciting news from the Trump family? Alice, you are the

bugle, Trump family correspondent. I know they've been in touch to congratulate you on the birth of your child. What's the latest from them? Well, this is Lara Trump coming out of left field. She's not the normally front page of Trump, but she is named in the Guardian as a Fox News contributor and wife of Eric Trump, which seems redundant. You cannot be one of those things, if you're one of those things, you are necessarily the other, I think. Eric Trump wouldn't marry someone who couldn't contribute to Fox News and vice versa. Anyway, Lara has claimed that the rising cost of the Thanksgiving Turkey is part of a liberal plot to ruin Thanksgiving and chip away at American traditions. Which is a cost of an impressive plot, if I can pull that off.

Yes. So basically, Thanksgiving turkeys are becoming more expensive due in large part to things like supply chain logistics and labour shortages. But this idea that it's a liberal plot to ruin Thanksgiving has confirmed my suspicion that those who claim to be free market capitalists have no idea what free market capitalism is or entails or might look like for them, which is to say, you know, more expensive turkeys after a f***ing pandemic. No, it's a conspiracy.

I'm prepared to believe it. I mean, it would be quite a weird way of going about it, really. I mean, is it, if you were running that conspiracy, Alice, to destroy American tradition and society in general, would putting one dollar on the price of a turkey be really the fastest roof made to be? Look, it wouldn't be the move that I would choose. What would you choose? If I wanted to ruin Thanksgiving, I would remind people of what happened to the Native American. Yes, so rather than Thanksgiving, apology giving, maybe, right.

And you wouldn't have a turkey for that. What would be a more apologetic meat? I feel like turkey is probably the most apolog? Maybe, right. And you wouldn't have a turkey for that. Well, I mean, what would be a more apologetic meat? I feel like Turkey is probably the most apologetic meat, actually. Possibly some sort of wet fish. Or Flappity salmon. Flappity salmon. Yeah. He's a Republican salmon. You know how you're saying it? Prepounding this, this is it. No, I'm going to have to explain. Do you know how this, if you have smoked salmon, you can get sort of smoked salmon in chunks. Yep. And then it's sort of quite nice. But you can also get the flap, flapity smoked salmon.

Flapity smoked salmon. Which is my least favourite thing. Like I understand that. It's so sort of... Flapity? Flapity. Yeah. It's not what you want to do.

I just provided a bad insight into the way my brain works. I don't think I've ever called it that out loud. Contest of the week news now and well JP Morgan, the celebrity bank, is trust talking the Chinese Communist Party. It's, I mean it's like two boxes then they're going to knock each other out. And JP Morgan has well claimed that it was going to last longer than the Chinese Communist Party, and then after realizing quite how much business interests it had in China, hastily rode back on that and said, no, you're doing really well Chinese Communist Party as you were.

Yes, so that the JP Morgan had just done a deal to be the first some sort of bank in China doing some sort of banking thing that other people have not been allowed. But that is beyond the level of economic expertise that this podcast will have. It's the first full foreign owner of a securities brokerage in China. I understand, I don't know these things because I wanted to maintain some self respect. But so there was a party, this man said he thought that JP Morgan Chase would last longer than the Chinese Communist Party, and then was immediately forced to abjectly apologize. He said, I regret my recent comment because it's never right to joke about or denigrate

any group of people, whether it's a country, it's leadership, or any part of a society and culture, which Andy I think is something both of us need to seriously think about. It's not just JP Morgan that's taking on China Australia. Pissed me about on the very brink of war with the mighty Chinese military. Peter Dutton, the defence minister, has been accused of saber rattling, no less, in what may be a distraction tactic in the build up to next year's general election. And I mean, it's a curious gambit, isn't it, for Australia to saber rattling, because they really have militarily a saber. They've ordered some submarines that

are going to be ready in 25. So they sort of have a say, not as much a Saber as a cardboard tube saying there may be a bit of a Saber in this in two and a half decades time. So yeah, the rattling of a sort of a box of tic-tacs at this point. Yeah, so basically tic-tacs at this point. Yeah, so basically, Dutton and many are the politicians at the moment. I think all around the world have realized that strong-man tactics are popular, given that people have been faced with the absolute failure of democracy

in so many forums of life, mainly in it's nice to think that we could be run by the people until you meet the internet and see what people are like kind of way. So a lot of these men are deciding that they need to be strong men, the problem being that essentially most of them are weak men, particularly in Australia where if you're in Australian politics it means you were in Australian university student politics which is not the forum of strong men. So I mean just describe Peter Dutton for those who haven't avidly followed his career as I know you have as a huge fan of single all the

posters you have in the year. Above your baby's cock. Everything. Because to me he looks like he's basically just auditioning for a role as a baddie in a Bond film. Is that a fair assessment? Yes he is probably one of those people who is a baddie in a Bond film. Is that a fair assessment? Yes, he is probably one of those people who is a baddie in a Bond film for about 30 seconds before the real baddie dumps him into a pit of crocodiles. He's sort of a sad background baddie. The worst kind. He's the kind of person who would be listed in the credits as sort of baddie number three. Right, still on the podium. He said over the next decade, China's nuclear warhead stockpiles estimated to be in the 200s last years, projected to reach between 700 and a thousand warheads

over the next decade. We just wait, wait another decade and half after that, those submarines are going to be ready to counteract that. But also, you can see why Australia is getting worried, because 200 to 300 nuclear warheadsheads you'd probably think China's got bigger fish to fry, but with a thousand they can just go willy-nilly so Australia that gets in the firing line. Well given that was offensive strategy is wait for America to save us I don't think. This is the kind of behaviour of the person in the school yard who knows their big brother is coming to pick them up. Well that brings us the end of this extremely windy bugle.

I don't know how much of the wind you'll be able to hit, but it felt like we're on some kind of 19th century ship. I mean yes, it is a very small cabin, The wind whistling through the eaves. Apart from the ridiculous amount of recording equipment balanced on a small table with two laptops. Showbiz! This is showbiz! Well my normal desk is currently covered in my current work equipment which is all my breastfeeding parents are now earlier. Alice's breastfeeding paraphernalia podcast. We'll know that we're coming to a podcast happening soon. I can't be pumping it out. Where you will also be able to find the Bugle Ashes Earncasts with Felicity Ward and me, the only coverage of the Ashes you'll

be able to hear, apart from the BBC Radio coverage, I will also be part of and all the TV stuff that I won't be. The gigs that I mentioned earlier on, the 14th of December at the Rhino Rooms in Adelaide on the 21st and 22nd of December, I will be performing at European Beer in Melbourne and on the 4th of January at the comedy store here in Sydney. I'm hoping to be able to sort out a live bugle or two along the way as well. So I'll keep you updated on those. We'll be doing satirist for hire at all of those shows as it will be at my UK tour in February and March. Details on the internet, my website does have the UK dates on it and I will soon put the Australia dates on and

Isoltsman.co.uk the greatest website Oh, there's one so many awards. So at least least least updated website. There you go Most pointless website Is it a website website? Do come along to them and send your satirical requests if you are coming to those gigs Do come along to them and send your satirical requests if you are coming to those gigs 14th in Adelaide 21st and 22nd in Melbourne 4th of January in Sydney to satirize this at satirisfahire.com Alice, you have some things to plug. Yes, I agreed to do a show on the 9th of December at the Comedy Store in Sydney. It's meant to be a new show with some old bits. But you've been kind of busy with other stuff. I've been kind of busy with other stuff. So the

the idea of getting back into on to stage and doing comedy when my whole life has been looking after a very small person is daunting at best. So do come along by tickets to that if what you want to see is something very strange. LAUGHTER Well, the Australian case will be my first stand-up since we did my so-ho run together, which ended in January of 2020. LAUGHTER

We're really giving this the hard sell. Yeah, come along if you want to be part of a human experience. That's what I can guarantee. There are bugle Christmas jumpers available via the bugle website. They must have fashion accessory of the millennium so far. I mean, I can't guarantee I won't leak. That's your subtitle. Pretty on the posters.

Well, that's it. Alex, it's been lovely to see you. I've not seen you in person since the, Alex, it's been lovely to see you, having not seen you in person since the, well, pretty much the before time. Yes, since the before time, since we did that so her run. Yes. And hung out at Christmas at your house. Yes.

And well, well done again for um... One! Hahaha! That's a little audio-hyroglyph for you there. I'm discovered fully artist. Thank you for listening, Budalers. We will be back soon with another Budal. These schedule may be a little up and down over the next few weeks due to my crazy cricket

schedule, but we will be putting out Budalers as often as possible. Hello, I, Andy's Ultraman and the Magnificent, comedian and certifiable Australian Felicity Ward are teaming up again for the bugle Ash's Earncast. Felicity and I are going to spend the next few weeks watching Joe Root's heroic England roar to a sensational against most of the odds victory over the wilting baggy greens of Australia. Trogue watching Joe Root's pleasingly plucky England put up a surprisingly decent show in against Australia before losing by a much more respectable margin than they might have done. Trogue, watching Joe Roots England slump to the now traditional quadrennial

humiliative flacking by Australia. Delete, according to A, National Allegiance, B, level of optimism, C, level of delusion, and D, cold, hard, history-induced probability. So join me, Felicity and our guests as we document for all posterity this momentous 2021-22 series in the Bugle Ashes Earncast. Yes, the Bugle and Crickets are coming together, again, but this time without anything else getting in the way, available in every single proper podcast app. Warning, the Bugle Ashes Earncast may feature some or all of the following, speculation on Crickets Various Extential Cr crises, advice on what parts of your body

not to share pictures of, further discussions on how to turn a watermelon into a hat and stats. There will be stats. Probably got a lot of stats.