The Bugle - Mature Grown Up Politics - Bugle 4102

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

Andy, Alice and Chris are in Edinburgh and Glasgow for lives Bugles. Turns out Scotland is not a fan of Brexit. Plus - BUGLE DONORS - your first batch of positive libels are broadcast (more to follow in coming months).With<a href="https://twitter.com/hellobuglers">@HelloBuglers</a><a href="https://twitter.com/aliterative">Alice Fraser</a><a href="https://twitter.com/ProducerChris">@ProducerChris</a>More episodes and info on our website: <a href="http://thebuglepodcast.com">http://thebuglepodcast.com</a> Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 4102 of the Bugal.

What you are about to hear is a mixture of the live shows from the Stand Comedy Clubs in Glasgow on Tuesday 19th March and Edinburgh on Wednesday 20th. As I speak, it's now Thursday 21st by the time you listen to this, it will be at least Friday 22nd, and who knows what the fuck was happening with Brexit by then, other than the fact that it will be deeply fundamentally flawed, whatever and whenever it does and or doesn't happen. If you enjoyed the show or have enjoyed any previous bugles or expect to enjoy new future bugles and want to contribute, you can now volunteer to subscribe once again to keep the bugle free, independent and firing.

Click the donate button at thebuglepodcast.com. Also by tickets and send emails to my satirist for higher Brexit special shows at Soho Theatre 26th to the 28th of March. I'm not delaying it, I'm going through the shows. Even if the majority of Britain no longer wants me to buy my product of my times. Anyway, here is this week's Bugle live, albeit now live in the recent past, from Scotland, with me, Alice Fraser and Chris, with his brand-spanking new bionic hip.

We're coming to you live from Edinburgh, which is in Scotland, and also in the UK, for now, and also in the EU. For now, let me just check that is still correct. That is still correct as of this minute. Chris is keeping an update to reason my God rest her soul if it is ever found. Well as we're about to come and say just about to come out and give a speech in which no doubt she will saw everything out. Traditional, traditional, new to reason my fans. No. No, not even Theresa Mayer to reason my fans.

There is one good thing about Theresa May though and I disagree with her politics. I mean clearly with Brexit she's been dealt an unplayable hand and has played those cards fucking incompetently. I think clearly with Brexit she's been dealt an unplayable hand and has played those cards fucking incompetently. Chris is here for those who are not seeing Chris but this is what he looks like in 3D. And he's here despite, well a serious medical procedure. He had a hip operation month ago. Two months ago.

Two months ago. Half my ass saw-and-off. I will show you the photos after the show. How much are you looking forward to the fact that this could be the first bugle we ever do that will be literally out of date before the interval? LAUGHTER Oh, news, you are a cruel mistress. Just a quick update now. Oh, news, you are a cruel mistress.

Just a quick update now. She's not starting to speak, but that loud sobbing can be heard through the door. I don't want to go out there. I don't want to go out there. So we are here on the 20th of March, 2019. And well, this week in history, there's been some time special I'll go back to 1649, this week in history, what in 1649, his little quiz question for you, was described as useless and dangerous to the people of England.

This is a multiple choice question, what was described as useless and dangerous to the people of England this week in 1649? Was it A, Scotland? Was it B, Mixed Martial Arts? Was it C, John Claude Juncker? Was it D, Foreign Food? Or was it E, The House of Lords? It was, in fact, the House of Lords Ah, correct. It was, described as useless and dangerous to the people in England this week in 1649. And House of Commons passed an act abolishing the House of Lords

in March 1649. So, how is that going? LAUGHTER Process of abolishing something that's what's in now? Three hundred and seventy-one years ago. I've been doing 368.

What are we talking about? I f***ing it, anyway. I was thinking of it. I was thinking of it. I was thinking of it. 377 years ago. What's considered outdated? Oh, just a quick to reason my update.

She's now at the mic in Downing Street. And she said, look over there, a peacock. I don't see many of them at this time of year, do you? I've nearly finished my Penini sticker book, just missing a couple of Huddersfield town players. Do any of you in the press call wanna do any swapsies? So, looks like she's still not really addressing this issue head off.

On this week, we have, well, pot tree night, issue head on this week we have a World Paltry Day. I was going to do something about World Paltry Day, some Paltry for you. I've had a lot of fun with PowerPoint by the way. I was going to do some stuff about World Paltry Day but a Scottish friend of mine warned against it, he said, it's Gini Fowl, the whole show up. Oh, it's too early. It's too early. Okay, that is too early. It's too early, too soon. You know, I've got to hold the puns for later in a show.

That is Turkey to a beautiful life. That will probably next. We'll be next. The, yeah, I think we've got one more anniversary. That's next, so that is the answer. Answer is in fact the Latin name for goose. It was a bit of a stretch. It was a bit of ostrich.

And... Now, as always, Bougles, some sections of the bugle or the new spaper are going, where? Where? Going, where are they going? Where are they going? They are going in the bin, clicking, f***ing hell, f***ing hell.

They 100th birthday, does anyone know what is 100 years old this year? Also, 30 years old this month, any ideas? The internet, the internet is 30 years old, it looks like back in 1989, the internet, and it's really uncorked and absolute Jeroboam of Fury. The internet, clearly there's some good things about it, but I mean there's a lot of cricket footage it turns out in the world.

1895 on this day in 1895, we have August and Louis Luier. Recorded the first footage using their newly painted cinematograph, setting in train a sequence of events that they'd inevitably to the love guru, Smurfs, and Smurfs 2. LAUGHTER F***. LAUGHTER All right, as always, a section of the bugle is going, where glass go? It's going, where?

It's going into bin, I'll press that a little bit too early. In the bin. In the bin, this week. Scotland facts. There we are, Scot Cheg. Absolutely, keep part of Scot Cheg. You know, the origin of the Scotcheg. So when they were trying to smuggle William Wallace's testicles back in the old time border,

they were just disguising as a snack. Um, uh, bagpipes. I hadn't written a fact about bagpipes yet, but it's one of the jokes they got lost in the missing hour and a half. I'm sure these Scottish people need a fact about that, perhaps. And here we have Nicholas Sturgeon. And I don't know what Nicholas Sturgeon really intends for Scotland and the United Kingdom. Let's find out, because we've got a special device, a subtexturcated app that interprets

politicians' words and tells you what they really mean to us. The Scottish Government remains committed strongly to the principle of giving Scotland a choice at the end of this process. I just stick that through there. I am Sturgeon, the uniligual, the gentle of elastic justice. I want to destroy not just Britain, but all of the human race. I have a fraudous record. Fair by power

By bench 480 And I can kill a rhinoceros just by looking at it One day I will come to Westminster And use Big Ben as I do think And turn the England into a Agus no Shack Fair to Sturgeon Fair soccer

The end is nigh Fear, thruster, jaw, fear, Scotland, the end is knife. There you go, Donnie Melville. I think we can all agree, that sounds like it's slightly too long. Right now, that concludes the section in the bin. Right, now when it's time off that's only over long beginning, to meet our co-host for today. We're about to try something absolutely incredible on a technological basis. It's Alice Prada! Right. Hello Andy, hello, viewers, how are you?

Well, Alice is down the other end of this magic web cam, everyone wave a Alice. This is what Scotland looks like these days. Seems dark. Well, it's not just Scotland. So Alex, you are reporting from Walt tomorrow. How's the world, how's the world looking? I mean, it's now 6.36am and I woke up at 4.30am, so it's looking like I want a nap. That's what I'm just looking.

Right, OK, let's crack on. We top story this week. And sadly, there's only one place to start with Top Story this week. And that is Brexit. Brexit is any further updates from our God-given Prime Minister. Theresa May has blamed MPs. Failing to remember that she herself is one. Blaming the workings of democracy for the failings of democracy.

Yes. Right, what happy times will we live in? It has been a curious week for Theresa May. She, basically, she's fundamentally been like a firefighter, desperately trying to put out a burning petrol station by throwing her third and final banana at it. While shouting, I feel lucky!

And this week's event have been described as parliamentary trench warfare, but the important thing to remember about trench warfare is that the opposite sides were firing at each other, not at themselves. That is the key difference. Today, just before we came on air stroke stage, Jeremy Corbyn walked out of a meeting with party leaders. Because Chukka Amun was there, now Chukka Amun is my local MP in Stretem.

I didn't even know he was Jewish. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... which is exactly the kind of mature grown-up politics we are fucking crying out for. That is difficult. I'm not Jeremy Corbyn to me throughout this process. He's sprung into action like a coiled turd. Before for the future of the United Kingdom with a ferocity of a corned blamong.

How's the Brexit going down in Australia, Alice? I mean, it's a nice thing to see that you guys can keep a Prime Minister for more than five seconds. And I find it reassuring, it's almost as though the mind-bendingly slow grinding inefficiencies of a representative democratic government has skewed against massive revolutionary change that affects every level of society on purpose. I'm starting Andy, I'm starting to suspect that it's a feature rather than a bug of the system to cause a massive ballake for someone who wants to swan in and gulf pump the place of a nation out of the world's delicately coized economic and military jinger tower towards the ninth bogey while envisioning a tiny hole in the ground that doesn't exist. exists. That is what I'm looking at.

I think what's 641 AM and that sent you a mango. That is a high tariff maneuver from Fraser. To reason why it's been like a firefighter desperately trying to put out a burning petrol station by throwing her third and final banana at it. Whilst shouting, I feel lucky. I feel lucky. What does Australia think of Corbin using the Australian Corbin spokesman? Well, I just feel he's doing that brilliant, co-ban thing of losing an unloosable popularity contest by having strong opinions about everything except that theme that's directly relevant and anti-semitism. LAUGHTER

I think you might have a career ahead of you as a political advisor. That is true. LAUGHTER He's like the uncle you used to like until you stopped being a teenager and realised he lives in a van. But he's sticking to his principles, except antisemitism. I'm in terms of when you are behind Theresa May in leadership credibility polls. Well that's like losing to Mozart in a triple-junk competition. No matter how bad you are, he's been dead since the 18th century. Get the f***ing sandpit. Now, to reason my just, just before we came,

well this came out, the so letter to the EU, who's it to Donald Tusk? I don't know if you can be, probably can't be asked to read it, so I've summarised it for you here. This is the summary. I'll be Thelma, you'll be Louise. What's f***ing do this thing? What's f***ing do this name? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER What is going to happen next? Well, at the moment, we're in this bizarre situation where we have managed to achieve simultaneously

total chaos and total inaction. But f***ing science, you've been f***ing owned. Theresa May is facing that on a four-star choice between No Deal, which has been voted against, and her deal, which has also been voted against. Which is basically you are offering your child a choice of a new pet between a dodo and a bronzer source. And then saying to your child, I'm really one, it looks a little bit confused. Well, you're f***ing asked for a pet almost three years ago, I'm giving you a pet whether you f***ing want one now or not. So we didn't really think about what having a pet would actually involve in terms of the logistics as a family and really the only reason you wanted a pet at all is so you could

train it to sh** in your brother's slippers. But anyway, don't know what pronta soros answer the f***ing question before you collapse like an overstretched metaphor. So I'm... And I think the thing is I've been watching this for a while now, the Brexit back and forth, the arguing, the backpiding, the failure to compromise, the deliberately exploiting things for minor political gains that nobody cares about. I'm starting to feel like the mind bendingly slow grinding inefficiencies of a representative democratic government are skewed massive revolutionary change that affects

every level of society on purpose. I'm starting to suspect that it's a feature rather than a bug of the system to cause a massive bull like for anyone who wants to swan in and gulph comes the place of a nation out of the world's delicately voiced economic and military jingertower towards the night podium while envisioning a tiny hole in the ground that doesn't exist.

And Alice. Well, John Burkos, he threw a spanner in the works with his, by using that law from 1604. Now, John Burkos admittedly, he's not exactly a shrinking violent. He's more a bloated, exploding violent. Who shuns the glare of publicity, very much like a sumo wrestler, shuns the opportunity to pront around in nothing but his underpants. Now, but this is a law from 1604 that still exists, which means he's the one thing.

One of two things, one, our democracy is f***ing nuts, and or two, that maybe there's something in it because not all law from 6.04 have lasted. For example, the law it said to that legally there was no difference between the word woman and the word witch. That has been cast by my website. There's something really evil about Alice's laugh on a slight delay. There's something really evil about Alice's laugh on a slight delay. For those who are unfamiliar with the law that John Berkho applied, because it was about

to stop Theresa May put in the same piece of legislation three times after being rejected significantly, twice as much of the biggest defeat in parliamentary history, if they're a wording of the law from 1604, it shall not be a force or a chance permissible for his Majesty's government wherewith what from so ever it will, in contravention or defiance of the sense and reason of its assembled wisdoms, to attempt to force hump the same f***ing useless piece of shit in this world. Through Parliament, over and over again, despite it being really routinely puked back in the Prime Minister's face, simply hoping that eventually people just give

the f*** up and cave in like a child in the back of a car demanding sweets I want to sweet you can't have a sweet. I want to sweet. I said you can't have a sweet. I want to sweet I said you can't have a sweet. I want to sweet. I want the hell you might as well give a child a sweet We're about to drive a high-speed off the edge of a cliff into a disused quarry It might as well go down with a fucking fruit pastel and it's gone. So there we go One final Brexit story. Before we... We tried to strangle this unwanted Christmas puppy of an issue.

Francis... It's an amazing amount of research I had to do to get that line out of it. Francis, Minister of European Affairs Affairs has named her cat Brexit because of its indecisive nature. This is a might sound like a piece of bullshit, but it is in fact a piece of true bullshit. Natalie Loisot, the French minister, says the cat, Miao was loudly to be let out, but then then refuses to go outside when she opens the door. So we're being zined by the pet names of government ministers from France.

How fucking low can we sink? It's Scotland news now! There we go. I was fascinated by this story from Scotland this week. You might have seen it about a stroke victim, a young man who had a stroke, and he's a hipspan, and he did not say anything for four months. The first thing he said when he woke up was heart so shy. Thank you.

Yeah! That tells you a lot about a football, That's... That tells you a lot about a... football... B... Scotland... and C... human beings. Not much else you need to know about really in this...

this... Alex, have you ever had a four month coma? I mean, I've had... I've had periods of my life when I was working in a law firm that certainly felt like a former man's corner. I do like lifeable, but I think you could improve. I learned from other sports. The deal with the Curse of Players diving, which irritates me in the fan of their play.

I think you just learned from horse racing. It's extremely solid structures in place for preventively participants pretending they're injured when they are not. And I think you'll find if a footballer was not calling for the physio and the magic spray, what's calling for the top pollen of mercy. And a bolt gun. You see how fucking quickly they go back to their feet. Chris, how painful is a hip hop basement? I thought you could ask, have you ever killed a horse? We've talked about that so often, I'm not going to be able to do it.

I mean, I've shown you and Alice the photos of my arse post-surgery. I mean, so it wasn't particularly pleasant. No, but a good scar is a good scar, right? Also, I've not seen your arse pre-surgery, so it never could look like a patrol. Particularly pleasant. No. But a good scar is a good scar, right? Also, I've not seen your last pre-surgery. So I don't have a good, like, a control. Yes, you have. LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS BELL RINGS We're going to, we're moving on to gay news now. You are the viewers, gay news correspondent. And, well, JK Rowling, Scott is here of course, it's been been in the news. I don't have a background for this, I'm just going to use bees. Oh bees gay, I don't know. There's only one woman, right? right?

Like being on a sailing ship. You make do. What's gay of the f***ing flowers? I mean obviously f***ing someone with the same gender, but... JK Rowling has managed to anger both the left and the right wing by saying Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an intense sexual relationship Conservative to angry that it's too gay, LGBT activists are saying it's not gay enough I for one will only be happy when all children's books have an R-rated index of the back like a Dungeon and the Dragon's vital statistics sheet detailing all the sexual preferences and erotic strengths and weaknesses of every

character. I've not read Harry Harry, Harry Potter. Is it, is it, is it, is it, is there an obvious subtext? No. I mean surely this is what fanfiction was invented for. Well, I would hope so, because what it certainly was not invented for, for my point of view, was for the person who wrote some fanfiction involving me and John Oliver. Let me tell you, that is a paragraph you cannot unread.

Did you ever see that? I mean I wrote it. We have, well for those who don't know, who hear, are you Potter fans? I mean I've never read it, my daughter is really into it, but I thought I'd do some research on the two Karrison Balls, he got Albus Dumbledore who of course reached round two with the mixed doubles at Wimbledon playing with the great American Darlene Hart there he is there. Also worked at the drag act for a while in the 1927. Whilst Abdullah Grindelwald, bit of a surprise first name that for me, played spoons on the beat, Ivan Erlie Vera-Linheet, and almost had a

threason with Mussolini and Marlena Dietrich, and once had to have eight snookable, surgically removed from his stomach after a fight with 15-time world snooker champion Joe Davis, after misunderstanding the term touching balls. champion Joe Davis after misunderstanding the term touching balls. So there you go Andy, that is fan fiction, you're doing it. Right, we have some more gay news now. Well in fact, which one do you want to go with the Schwarzenegger gay news story? Oh yes, yes. Strong man Rob Coney, one of pro-strong man contest in Melbourne and then married his boyfriend on a beach

thereby proving that there are some things in the world that are entirely pure. What makes it better is that Arnold Schwarzenegger attended the wedding and put a picture up on his Instagram celebrating the love of these two giant men and that the Instagram handle of Rob Coney is World's Strongest Gay. I mean, the only thing better than being the best at picking big things up and eating 9,000

calories a day is marrying the man you love and knowing that Arnold Schwarzenegger's got your back. Give me all your clothes. There's some other good news for Scotland has come out. Probably seen some of the best news Scotland has had recently. It's that England is facing a massive water shortage within 25 years. So, very good news for Scotland. Sir James Bevan, the head of the environmental agency, down in London, said that he wants to see wasting water become as, quote, socially unacceptable as blowing smoke in's more of a French thing, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm looking forward to this period of massive international inequality where you have these patched ponds dragging their dry bones around the streets while you moist scots flop around in your excess of water. I don't know, it did become socially acceptable to blow smoke in a baby's face if you are also pouring water unnecessarily on its head. I don't know, so let's have a quick, a beautiful guide to when to blow smoke on the face on the baby So here are the times when it is

So sorry So When should you slow-smoke in the face of a baby? Well, one time when it is acceptable to slow-smoke in the face of a baby is when you are trying to summarise the history of the world since the industrial revolution to it and don't have much time. Here you go, kid. You fucking deal with it. Or when the baby has been born with an infestation

of cockroaches on his face. Or when the baby is a herring. You know, perhaps a slice of pig. Or when the baby has been born to a mother who's on universal credit. Sorry, I've got to stop wearing my what with the Department of Work and Pensions do, wristband. Or when the baby might grab to be Hitler, then it's fine.

Or when you are a large economic nation, the cost of not polluting the lungs of future generations just doesn't quite stack up on the balance sheet. At all other times, do not blow smoke in the face of a baby. By all means, vaping the face of a baby, that is fine. LAUGHTER So Andy, the dawn on vaping isn't even yet. People think it's better than smoking, and it seems to be better than smoking. But imagine if you've given up smoking to vape, and then they found out that it wasn't good for you at all.

Like it was just as bad as smoking and then you would be simultaneously really dead and super uncalled. PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK PUN PUNK PUNK I had a friend from... He was a massive Scottish fan of Scottish football. It was obsessed with all the Scottish football teams, but he actually went to jail because he still managed to pay and spent a little bit of money until he came out. He had a really odd facial twitch when he was in a confined space and heard a key turning in the lock. He developed a real cell tick. He used to save containers from his mum and lady, leave them out of his window,

let's just power on to get it back out and poison. The only water he would drink was from, he'd leave this jar on his window of the weather was bad. He was absolutely dependent on his brain jars. Oh, f***ing car. When he made me and my dad fill out this questionnaire about our favourite bit of referees kit and my dad and I, we prefer different things. I chose the red card, but partik the whistle. Anyway, we sent him for his leave, he was obsessed with English actresses and we sent him this, he wanted a sort of kinky strip of Graham, a dress like one of England's most famous actresses, and afraid the dents wasn't available, nor was the Glendor Jackson.

So we sent Miran. He was also firmly at the opinion that manure from dairy farms has hidden health-given properties. It rather strayed and she cowed unbelief how do you know very very strange shopping list as well he like cured pick meat from cured meat from pig's legs the only drank dairy

tinned fish he loved and very trendy berries so he was shopping this didn't really read Hammilk to that akkis. You also love dressing up like 17th century Christian writers, but also looking very fashionable at the same time. It was a very hip-pungent. Hip-pungent? Hip-pungent? He didn't get on with his parents though. He actually kidnapped his own mum and kept her in a deep narrow pit in his garden and would lower her food and drink down in a bucket. He called his mother well. LAUGHTER

But anyway, he did a lot of good work with charity at the end and I told him it seemed inevitable that he would be made assert. I said to him, it, that was it. I mean, I didn't have my time for it, because I was going to do Hans about famous battles between England and Scotland, but I couldn't remember his name, I really was, I've flutten all the names. Don't worry, don't worry, that's the only one. That's all I've got done by this one. Sorry, that was a panic pump. panic pump pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump.

Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump.

Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. Panic pump. want to contribute. Various monthly options are listed via the donate button on our website, or you can just make up whatever you want yourself. Thank you in advance and or retrospectively if you've already done it. One more thing, don't forget Saturist for Higher at Soho Theatre, 26th, 27th and 28th March, send your satirical requests to satirizethisatsaturistfor Higher.com

and go and see Alice at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. That's sorry, that was two more things, no third thing. One of the options included in the voluntary subscription scheme is the promise of me libeling you in a positive way. If you subscribe with that as an option, quite a lot of you have done so, I will now therefore commence the lies. If you're not involved in this week's lies,

rest assured plenty more where these came from. I think you know me that well by now. Until next week, goodbye. Chris, music please. Begin the Lies! Tony Price has built a paper mache white rhinoceros. He intends to bring it to life to save the endangered species by doubting it with pickled herrings. Catherine Cartwright, meanwhile, keeps a two-yard section of spare road in the back of her

car, just in case she meets someone who ends their journey zero to six feet away from their intended destination. Adam Smout is from the Smout family, so named because they invented a hybrid cross between the smirk and the pout, resulting in the most seductive facial expression in the history of the human head. Chris Llewellin once dreamt that he discovered the world's largest natural source in Marshmallow, six kilometres beneath Antarctica. He set up a mining operation and gave all the profits to the penguins. Stephen Jones, by contrast, taught a badger to break dance.

It saved the badger's life when it did a head spin, it is that break dancing under a speeding truck. Kieran Conniff wrote most of Bob Dylan's songs. All Dylan did was translate them from the higher glyphs, sell out. Kyle Underwood thinks Volcanoes only erupt because they are lonely, so he talks to a volcano every weekend. None of them has ever erupted. Usman Kaum can make anyone taste the taste of lemonade just by describing lemonade to them. And Darren Warner often sets up decoy picnics with all the wasps favourite foods so that everyone else can enjoy their picnic untroubled by wasps.

Nick Kane for his part, he thinks Johnny Cash should have been UN Secretary General, whilst Adrian Stirrup bizarrely believes that horses should never have been domesticated by humans because we might have stayed where we were then and no war would ever have happened. Baptiste Miss Belon can remember the exact seat he sat in on every train journey he's ever been on. Incredible. Mark Putick, well he wants to make a cured sausage using meat from three countries in Europe and two weeks from Africa and Asia, and then sell it to fans of the Blues rock group The White Stripes as a seven nation salami. Rob Weir wonders whether or not people ski.

Every time he meets someone new, he assesses them and guesses whether or not they do in fact ski. He's correct, more than 93% of the time. And finally, Mark Adams has invented eight types of mechanical flamingo. One day he will make them fight to the death on free-to-air television, so everyone can enjoy it. Thank you to all of you involved in those lies and others who will be involved in future lies, and everyone who's donated to the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme so far to join them, go to the BuglePodcast scheme so far to join them go to the Bugle

podcast.com and click Donate.