The Bugle - Maychive

Episode Date: May 4, 2014

This week in history, according to The Bugle Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to what is sadly only a sub-bughal this week week beginning

Monday the 5th of May 2014, Mr. John Oliver. It's preoccupied with his new HBO show last week, tonight in which he aims to become the man and culture always dreamed of being re reestablished British rule in America, Whangla himself a gig as stadium announcer for the New York Murgatroge in the 2015 National Hot Scotch League season, and become the new face of Chanel. So instead we have a supplementary alternative bugle featuring a special beginning of May quiz to test your knowledge of the history of the first few days of one of the year's most months. Plus, another delve once more into the bugle archives, the only archives worth using in this day in age I'm sure you'll agree, to find out

what happened this week in bugle history, including from three years ago, the sadly belated death of little Nigel Norte himself, a song of bin Laden. But let's begin our look back at human history as chartered by the bugle. By returning to the first May we ever chronicled, May 2008. Top Story in this week's Bugle Beach Party, China! And there is a time in the not too distant future when China is going to be the one and only story. And when that is the case Andy, I want to be ready. So this week I say not only hello and welcome to the bugle, I also say, Miu Hoa Hoa Huang Da Qi Ha.

China announced this week that it intends to increase its military spending by 18% to 417.8 billion yuan. That's a lot of yuan. In fact, that's $59 billion worth of yuan. That's a lot of yuan. In fact, that's $59 billion worth of yuan. So now you know it's a lot of yuan rather than just assuming it was because it sounded like a lot. Well, it sounds like a lot of money to people like you and me, John, but we don't have our own private army and therefore we spend commensurately less on our defense budgets, but it's still quite a fair whack.

This is certainly around about $60 billion and America is complaining that the real figures actually around twice that. America itself actually only spends a fraction of what China forks out. Is that the right term? Chopsticks out on its military. Just a fraction of what China spends, America spends quite a big fraction, in fact, quite a big collection of fractions, about 20 halves, in fact, of China's spending. So America is leading from the front, telling China off about its defense spending. Very much like a naked Catholic priest diving into a crowded paddling pool,

telling everyone to leave the children alone. That's right, the US military budget last year was $440 billion. So let's just check the maths on that. They're angry at China spending $59 billion, yet the US spends $440 billion a year. No, that can't be right. I mean, that sounds ridiculous.

I must have made a miscalculation with the figures there, Andy. My mistake, if those figures were true, the Pentagon would be massive hypocrites. And I know they're not that, so the fault must be mine. Tell you what, I'll crunch these numbers again and I'll get back to you. Just before this announcement, the US had released a statement criticizing China's military spending.

That's like taking criticism for eating too much from someone who has five donuts wedged in their mouth. In fact, I can't say for sure that that statement about military spending was not issued by someone who did have five donuts wedged in their mouth. Well, that's how the Pentagon gives most of their statements nowadays. Just take the edge off things, try and distract the world from the impending doom by looking at someone with five donuts in their mouth. Also in China, police in the South of the country

have apparently discovered a factory which has been manufacturing free Tibet flags completely unaware. The factory workers claimed they thought they were just making happy colourful flags and didn't realize their deep political meaning. As Aristotle himself said, one man's colourful flag is another man's desperate plea for international humanitarian and political support. It's such a fine line. I'm sure Andy that the Chinese police recognised that this was an honest mistake and I'm sure that they're laughing about it now, back at the precinct, over the howling screams

of the factory owner. I tell you what, you do not want to get caught with in China at the moment Andy, and that is a box full of Tibetan flags. I'm pretty sure there's no worse thing to be caught within a box. If I was a Chinese factory owner, which I nearly am, I just need to wait for the paperwork to go through, I would make absolutely sure that what we were producing was not Tibetan flags. Even if I did have no idea what Tibetan flags look like,

that would be my first and only question when taking any job. We need you to produce 200,000 shower nozzles, okay. And the shower nozzles are definitely not Tibetan flags. No, they're shower nozzles, okay, you have yourself a deal. But it was good to be sure. Before we move on to May 2009, here is question one in the beginning of May quiz.

Pencils up, pay attention. Who first met in early May, 1904? Was it A, roles and Royce? Charles roles and Henry Royce bumped into each other at a party when they're both running up and down the upstairs landing, making room room noises. The rest is needlessly expensive history. Was it B, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warns, the music sparks flew so intensely at the meeting of these two pop meteors that they had to be crygently frozen for 81 years before being released.

To record their mega hits, I've had the time of my life, which has recently been officially sanctioned as the global anthem that will be played whenever Earth plays another planet at sport. Was it sea, Mickey, and many mouse? They had a torrid affair in the back of a food cupboard apparently before they each got tired of each other defigating and urinating all over the place and nibbling stuff. Or was it D, Me, and John? And you have one second to complete your answer. and John. And you have one second to complete your answer. The answer is A, roles and voice. You could also have had E, check composer, Antonin's Vorjak and the grim reaper. We'd always been a big fan of the check, Maestro and sneaked him to see him do a secret recital, life-long ambition for the reaper, but of course in doing

so he unwittingly killed Vorjak at the age of 63. On now to early May 2009 in the Bugle Archives and this. That's the week beginning Monday, May the 4th 2009. If we'd been recording this exactly 383 years ago John in 1626 and you'd been recording it's where you are now on Manhattan Island. You have been interrupted by a load of Dutch guys landing on Manhattan Island saying we'll have that, we'll bloody have that and we'll have that as well. A little Dutch explorer Peter Miniot would have got his wallet out and said to you, hey kid

what say I buy this little island off you? How about you shut up with your jokes and your quips and we can reach a little arrangement. Did you get my drift? I get the island, you get hang on, let me see. Let me count it out. $24. We got a deal? Let me answer that kid. Yes, we have a deal.

Nobody takes on the mighty Dutch. Not for this accent. $24, kid. Now go back to Britain and buy something nice for that lovely Quidi yours. Well, Elizabeth, yeah, that's the one. She died 23 years ago. She did?

I've been had by that girl I saw last week. And the way you said, Miley Dutch, might it sell out the Miley Ducks? Well, that's where they came from. Estes are these finest moments on Celi Lloyd. That's where the New York accent comes from from the Dutch. Where it's a Dutch accent, as mutated over the subsequent 400 years, the New York accent is in fact how a Dutch used to speak. So imagine Rembrandt talking, you would have spoken like a New York Jew. Do you like my painting?

Painter, paint that, what are you gonna do? My face is getting old. Of course, John, 30 years ago today, the 4th of May 1979, a darkness descended over Britain, casting glue across the entire nation from the tip of Cornwall to the top of Scotland, enveloping the entire country in a smothering, lightless pool as a long night began.

One, in fact, it was just the standard end of your average day, really. You're basic night time. But coincidentally, on that same day, Mrs. Thatcher became Prime Minister. Read into that what you will. Also, 12 years since the Labour Party marched into Downing Street with a big smile on its face. And exactly one year from now, they will march back out again

with a big smile on their face. And just as year from now, they will march back out again with a big smile on their face. And just as 12 years ago, both the Labour Party and the nation will join arms and say, thank f*** that's over. As always, some sections are of the Bughal gang straight in the bin, even though the bin is especially disinfected this week. This week in the bin, part one of the Bughal audio world atlas. This week's audio map, South America. Big and wide at the top, but on a bit of a

slant, then tapering off to a pointy bit at the bottom. South America has a few and obli-bits sticking out, then for example Europe, one of its rivals as a continent, and it is the world's most aerodynamic continent. From space, it looks a bit like a tape ear wearing a turban. Next week, Antarctica. next week and talk to him. Obama news now and Obama has been in power for a hundred days, which I believe means he gets a card from the Queen. I think that's right. The odd stick of a hundred days was first suggested by FDR and is now haunted every president since. For the first month at least, a farmer could happily ride the not-being-president bush-train and what a train that was is still not a bad train, but now he does need something more. And one thing he may need to work on is luck because in just 100 days he's been dealt

some pretty rough guards, a global economic meltdown and now a borderline pandemic. He may want to get a different rabbit's foot to carry around because the one he's got looks like it went bad after he got him elected. As a congratulations person on his 99th day, Andy, Alan Spector of the Republicans wrapped himself up in a bow and defected to the Democrats, thus potentially handing them the filibuster proof majority that they want. Once Minnesota finally accepts that the 2008 election is over and decides on a senator.

And the news here went crazy. And you know how excitable they get when nothing happens. So imagine how they react when something actually does. Usually they're the boys who cry wolf. And wolf blitzer on CNN is the wolf who cries news every afternoon. News, news, there's some news outside. I'll ignore Wolf, he just wants attention. It does mean, John, that Obama has now become the first black president to serve a hundred

days. Oh, wow, I haven't seen that. So, yet another milestone for the young man. He's really doing incredible things, isn't he, with the amount of daisies in power. Yep. Has cynicism set in yet in America? His pole numbers are still pretty positive. He's had the odd howler, Obama, hasn't he? Mostly in appointing people who haven't told

them about their own howlers. But at least his howlers do not happen every single time he opens his mouth. And I think that is the real step forward. The bar still seems so long. I'm sure he'll disappoint soon. But the ammeter and all claim that specters' defection was a seismic event in Washington. One even said that the ground was literally shaking underneath my feet. That, I think, was not true. And, you know, if it was true, it was almost certainly not connected to the story they were supposed to be reporting on. It's a new tornado here in DC, a tornado I tell you, picking up the cow of history and slamming it through the windshield

of America's truck. I've lost all sense of perspective back to you in the studio. Well there you go, it's time for question two in our early make-wiz. What was first published in early May 1611 was it A. The King James Bible, top the 17th century best cellar charts of course, the King James conclusively establishing Jesus' reputation as a well-educated British man with a strangely formal way of speaking. Was it B. The alternative King James Bible, hot on the heels of the official King James Bible, a hilarious parody featuring a Jesus whose miracles kept going wrong and a hell of a lot of needless swearing. Was it C? Shakespeare's flop-body comedy, Hamlet and a fellow get the munchies, or was it D? The joy of plague. How to make the most of your agonising death.

One second to answer. Corrects the answer was also A. The King James Bible, super little tome that's if that is your bag. On now to early May 2010, when Britain was in the grip of election fever. Admittedly it was not the most contagious of fevers and mostly just meant people wanted to lie in bed with a curtain shut and not have to interact with the outside world. So much like any other fever I guess. Countdown to Voter-Geddon! British democracy is back from the dead-unday, that is for sure. It's punched its way out of the grave like Umat Thurman in Kill Bill, and is now wandering the streets more powerful than ever, or at least more powerful than any time in the last

10 years. Where once the field was that turnout could be around 50% now, surely, we can dare to dream that two and three people may actually vote. I'll tell you what we have to thank for this Andy. The same thing we have to thank for game shows and omelette whisk infomercials television. Who'd have thought the TV debates would have shaken British democracy towards extremely dusty foundations. I think it's what's become clear from across the pond, Andy, is that Clegg has going the most. Cameron has lost some of the mathematical inevitability that he

had coming into the campaign, largely due to making the mistake of occasionally saying things he actually believes. And Brown hasn't really lost anything, as he didn't really have anything to lose in the first place. It's like a man sitting in an empty house. There's only so much a burglary can hurt him. Yeah well the final Prime Minister of the debate took place last night, Thursday as we record here, on Friday just six days away from vote again and the entire future of Britain, John the nation, the business, the brand, was on the line as the public sat down in front of their TV sets in eager anticipation before realizing they were watching the wrong

channel and switching over to watch Britain's stupidest teacher or shoot me on my nink and poop or my aunt thinks Hitler was a whore so whatever else was on. Before checking the news headlines at 10 o'clock to find out who'd won, apparently and therefore who deserves to own Britain. And frankly John, I think the reaction from most people has been, is that the novelty has now worn off after three debates. I've got three! Yeah, it was pretty dull last night. Democracy was fun for the first debate, John.

It was OK for the second, and it's now a bit passey by the third. And, you know, I'm more than averagely tolerant of democracy. But this was like having concentrated bullshit milkshake blasted into your face at point blank range. I lasted about 11 minutes of what had been built as one of the most significant moments in our democratic history. Before I started thinking, what was wrong with the old system of just voting for who your father told you to vote for. Never in any home. I've put the whole point Andy about in three debates that he's supposed to learn in PR terms as you go. So you look down the camera, you try it small more, you try and engage with the viewer.

Now by the third debate, at least one of them should have realised the key to winning televised elections is the T-shirt cannon. It just takes one of the mandate, just to pull it out and say, say to the Istanbul crowd, who was the free T-shirt? Everyone got crazy, just start unloading T-shirts into the crowd. Everyone's going to think, look at that, he gives out T-shirts. You have it on your bus, just an open top bus, just shooting T-shirts around key marginal constituencies. I'm telling you, it'll work. People love T-shirts around key marginal constituencies. I'm telling you, it'll work. People love T-shirts. Yeah, but it was one of these 76 rules that they had. Oh, that's a good thing. No T-shirt can, cannons. No nut grabs. What about T-shirt machine gun?

That is definitely out. Right. That is definitely out. No cross dressing. All of those three, not allowed. no cross dressing, all of those three, not allowed. In summary, though for those of you who didn't see it, all three leaders are basically in favour of getting the economy moving, which is good, I guess. So it looks like that crosses is going to be averted whoever wins. They don't really like each other, that much came across, and they're also not afraid of repeating stuff. They've said over and over again, word for word until the nation just gives in, and votes. And Cameron has been criticized for crapping on kind of nebulously about change a bit too much in this campaign and to be fair he did reign himself in a bit last night change was only the eleventh word that he said

so held it back quite a lot longer than usual and he also pulled off a clever subliminal trick to emphasize the need for change by doing a rapid off-screen costume change between each question. Although he didn't really notice it because he changed into 12 versions of the same suit and tie that he'd been wearing at the start. So the change was barely perceptible. Did that reveal something, John? No, because it didn't happen. But if it had happened, it might have revealed something, and that's the most important thing to remember. Now, Gordon Brown has had an undeniable bad week, culminating in being overheard on a

live microphone calling an old lady, a bigot, having just had a conversation with her that suggested nothing of the sort. Now, calling a member of the electorate a lifelong labour voter, no less, a bigot, is probably even worse than when John Prescott actually punched a vote during the face. It even was that, the thing is that in isolation, probably isn't that terrible. It's just that it plays into a widely held belief that Gordon Brown hates people.

Now, if he doesn't hate them, he certainly has an active dislike for them. He'd have been a great 19th century politician, Andy, when you could govern from a wood panel's room with a fireplace in it, and you never had to touch any presents. That's right. Well, he has been handicapped in this campaign by things like the invention of television

and the invention of photography and the development of human speech. And they've all kind of conspired against him and he struggled to convey his very important message of, yes, we, but will we even more f*** if you vote for these losers? Ah, happy times. Question 3 now, in early May 1640, King Charles I of England dissolved what was known as the short parliament. But what was the short parliament? Was it a three weeks of strappy parliamentary squabbling about how much pocket money to let King Charles have, which might explain why Charles himself ended up one head short of the full monarch nine years later? Was it a short-lived democratic experiment in

which MPs were restricted to a maximum height of five foot three inches tall? It was thought at the time that being tall made people unnecessarily cocky to the detriment of their political effectiveness. However, the short's Parliament soon became inundated with chirpy, cheeky, chappy banter, and never got anything done. Was it sea? The short parliament was Charles's nickname for his drunken plunker. He thought his captain, Charles Ares, looked like big Ben, and he loved wearing loose-fitting shorts with no underwear. Hence, his Royal Pro-Tuber Act became known as the short parliament. He accidentally dissolved it in the jar of sulfuric acid that his long-term adversary Oliver Cromwell had labelled us Perkinson's soothing Wang Barman, given to him as a Valentine's present. Or

was it D, an avant-garde Prague rock band that Charles was the bass guitarist in? He wanted to be lead singer, but unfortunately his voice sounded like a rabbi chanting a prayer about Jane Saws, as King and therefore owner of a record label he split the band up. One second to answer. The answer was again, A. And we're on to 2011 now, and the not very widely mourned in voluntary death of one of the 21st century's most tedious decades marked by the birth of arguably the finest word in the English Dictionary or Technically not yet in the English Dictionary

Top story this week ding dong the Dead but a boom boom boom another bites the dust shot in the eye and you're too blame you give a bad name this is not so much a tribute episode to bin Laden as a special f**k you logy to the big man and I'm glad you enjoyed that. I did thoroughly enjoy it. I expect to see that in a dictionary near me within two years. And you ended the last bugle by saying that after the Royal Wedding, the world had nothing to look forward to anymore. And while yes, Saturday in itself was quite boring, apart from Chelsea tightening the gap on the Premiership title race.

You have to admit that Sunday really delivered what with that whole killing of the most wanted terrorist on the planet thing. That's right, Asama Bin Laden, the former leader of Al Qaeda and former living inhabitants of the planet Earth, was forced to surrender both of those titles, around the time that a bullet developed a very strong attraction to his face. And he was a tall handsome man, bin Laden Andy, but I have to admit that I always thought that he'd have looked even better

if he considered getting his left eyebrow pierced with a bullet. And I think I was right about that. I think his face was successfully accessorised with a piece of high-speed pointy metal jewellery. That's funny old world, I wasn't even John, because last week most wanted man in the world, this week a seriously malfunctioning submarine and fish food. So yeah, it just goes to show. On a slender thread.

So he's gone from, you know, the leader of the world's most tedious minority interest pressure group. A man five times voted least cuddleable dude by touchy, feeling monthly magazine. A man commonly known as the Rowdy Saudi, Terry the Terrorist, the mighty douche, the Torah, Laura, Ignora, and the angry turd it. He had his clogs forcibly popped

by American special forces. And I do wish that Barack Obama had used those words. Yeah, we have. Absolutely. Popped his vlogs. It certainly feels like a much more pleasant globe to live on this week without bin Laden living on it too. It's like when a terrible neighbor moves away and property prices in adjacent properties automatically go up.

By dying, bin Laden has effectively gentrified this entire planet. To prove this, upon using his death, the stop market went up and oil prices went down, as if collectively everyone agreed that things had just got slightly better. As if the world breathed a cyber relief and together muttered, oh, good, that is good. Now, I don't know where you were when you found out and I'm guessing you were asleep but I just finished watching 60 minutes and was checking in with the Met Philly's game when it came clear that something very important was about

to happen and the president was going to address the nation and after watching him announce that America had successfully located and killed Bin Laden, I started watching the news and then while I flipped through the channels a couple of hours late to see that the Metz were still playing the Philips. It was the 14th inning and they had resumed the game and most of the crowd was still there and not only were they still there, they were watching the game with complete concentration. I got us out as a sports fan, I find that so impressive. Remember, this is a meaningless game at the start of May, between one team which will challenge for the World Series and one that will not make the playoffs.

To care about that at all is a challenge. To care about that one is just been announced that Bin Laden has been killed is f**king incredible. The CIA's most wanted man has literally just been assassinated and you are rooting for Raoul Ebenez to get a base hit. I think my favourite reaction from all this actually came from the Met manager after the game because people in sports just cannot help themselves but speaking clichés and that's never more exposed than the moments of deep genuine significance. And in the post game press conference Terry Collins said this he said

Well, this is a good win for us and obviously a huge win for America tonight He should have carried on that thought you know I think America really answered the critics tonight Many have said that you know to go on a nine-year streak of not killing bin Laden was a slump We were never gonna get out of it I for one I had nothing but faith in us as a team and I knew if we just kept swinging, kept focus we'd get that hit. As for the future who knows what that holds I'm just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week. Thank you no questions. I'll take that as well Al Qaeda has had a press conference in which they say well there's

a lot of positives we can take away from this. So you were disappointed to lose Aussie but we're likely to see it more as an opportunity for someone else to step out to the play and deliver. Of course, the best place to have heard the news would undoubtedly have been Tampa, Florida in the middle of the crowd were live WWE wrestling events. How do I know this? That's a fair question. Because I saw a clip on YouTube of a shirtless John Cena addressing the Tampa crowd to deliver the news at the end

of about saying, I'm extremely proud after 10 months of being your WWE champion. I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty and respect on my sleeve. It's worth pointing out that at that point he was sleeveless. He went on to his own. No, no. No. No. The president has just announced he went on to say that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end, a summer-been-laden. And he, that is magnificent rhetoric from the four-time tag team champion, inventor of the twisting Belly-Tbelly suplex, and still a self-styled Doctor of Thugonomics. In fact, all of those things are true. In fact, if I'm honest, I prefer what John Cena said to the President's speech.

Courts and compromise to a permanent end, that is linguistically sensational. In fact, that phrase is not all that the President should have borrowed. I think he should also have walked into the East Room of the White House and said, I walk out every night with hustle wood from respect on my sleeve. I think he should also have done that shirtless with a pair of cut-off jeans holding a wide microphone before leaving to rock music and fireworks. I don't think anyone would have begrudged him that. And that was that, and question five now simple on this. Why was there no question four? Please answer that in few than two thousand words. And so on to 2012, early May 2012,

and well you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that this was a year on from early May 2011 Which meant that bin Laden was still dead and had been dead for one year But not only have they found his last words but also the US government this week has released a computer simulation of bin Laden's final thoughts as a conscious human being and we at the Bugle have got exclusive access to this exclusive coverage of Bin Laden's final conscious thoughts. I, the self-styled, rowdy, Saudi, the Torah, Bora, Loring Nora, I'm done for. Slice me into soldiers and dip me in an egg. I am toast.

Just a few moments to assess what I've done with my life. There are so many things I haven't done, I really wanted to do. I never quite fully got around to destroying America and all it stands for. Oh no, that was career goal. Hey, I haven't even come close. Maybe with Heinz Hattag could have gone about it differently. The whole acts of mass violence perpetrated on the Innocent Stick didn't really catch Western public imagination.

Still, if I've learned one thing from that, it is never trust a focus group, or at least never trust a focus group made up entirely of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists Live and learn Maybe you should have tried to convert people door to door your office witness style Hello, have you ever thought about him discriminate slaughter institutionalized misogyny and destruction of civilization as we know it Okay, I see you're busy right now. Should I come back next week? There's no need to slam that door in my face Okay, I see you're busy right now, should I come back next week? There's no need to slam that door in my face. Ah, hindsight, hindsight.

Never go the wrong to wiping his tail off the face or the glow by the... Never fulfill my lifetime ambition of breaking this 755 mile and hour barrier on a unicycle. I guess when I look back at things I have to say... I've never been very good at setting achievable goals. Oh well, that's it, 21st century for you I guess. So hard to make time for your career these days. Particularly when you've got a wife and kids. And even more particularly when you've got six wives and 22 kids like I have. Silly, silly Aussie.

I shouldn't have burdened myself with such a big family if I wanted to be so focused on my own career. How was I supposed to destroy the West, Israel and capitalism if every other fucking weekend birthday party? I guess that's genetics. I'm like my dad, 22 wives, 57 children, an indecisive man, but a randy one. Maybe I've been in a terrorism game too long, should have moved jobs, I could do loads of other stuff, sure I'm getting on a bit, but I have proven organization and communication skills, people might clue with what I've organized and communicated, but still a good employer should look beyond that.

My life's not as felt sort of restricted recently, my life insurance premiums are absolutely f***ing ridiculous, like they're cooking theiras. Man I could really do it with some quality meat I'm right now. That must be a way out of this. Think cosy, think. Oh shit these entrepreneurial wings. I'm never buying anything off eBay again. Right, come on a sum of it. Please go down with some unforgettable last words.

That's all the south. No, just kidding the west. Oh you guys No, I want some people that are a member for eternity to look back on and send to reach the commons I ordered unbelievable thing for a man to say as he departed this world something like There was no man from that pocket who'd angle this bolt in a bucket. No, that's not really me is it I got it don't shoot me. I'm allergic to lead if you shoot me as health and safety violation it might work right go undefined or summer looking at where they're aiming this is gonna be at best they carry a

ending eye injury clear head now one final thought oh dear no I cannot die with this in my head I can't die with this to the mind I or some of it not bad as bastard in the world can't die with this dude my head. I can't die with a tuna minor. I also have a minute, not bad as pasta in the world. Can't die with this tuna going around my head. Why now? I gotta stop watching kids TV. And then it could come down to this. It's that bloody western in for those.

Stick off some... stick off another tuna. Think of any other tuna. Think of something else. I'm not gonna go with it. Oh yeah, I can't die to this. I don't know. I don't really like moving it that much. No, no, no, something else.

But that's completely inappropriate. No, no, no, grudging respect, but, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, that's even worse. No, I'll take 5 in the floppers. I'll take 5 in the floppers. Okay, that will happen, do okay. I'll let the consumers have it all, okay,'ll look inside myself with that, okay, long final contest for me tonight, presumably quite done in press maker

Oh, feta feta, wanna be weapon in the 7th beat what are you fighting that, what way of fighting that thing? my house I'm fighting that. What way of fighting that thing? My house. I'll notice quickie duck. Have you no compression? I'm going to miss you too, sweetie. You got to even get you that down. Why are you doing here? Why are you doing here?

What? Andy, for a start, this is for you. For me, John Scoop. What a Scoop. What a Scoop. Concrackers like the Pentagon, they're the ones that got it. What? You got hold of it, Andy. I don't know how you did it. I'm guessing the fact that you did get it is a huge crime.

All I'm saying is me and Condoleezza Rice go back a long way. And that seems a good time to move on to question six in the early make quits. In early May 1871, the first professional baseball league began with a catchy acronym, NAPBBP. But which of the following teams actually appeared in that league? Was it A, Mrs Elizabeth Resolutes? Was it B, the strange men of St Louis? Was it C, the Brooklyn winters? D, the Oklahoma Cat drowners? E, the Florence Nightingales? Or F, the Tampa Bay schmucks? Answer, one second, it was I, the Elizabeth Resolutes admittedly without the Mrs on the front. And so we're on to last year 2013 when it turned out that the FBI had been using rather

old school methods of paying Hamid Kazai his secret pocket money. C.I.I. have got bags of money news now and it emerged this week that tens of millions of US dollars in cash were delivered to the office of Afghanistan President Hamid Kazai for over a decade, dropped off in suitcases, backpacks, and plastic shopping bags. What could possibly go wrong with a plan like that? I love that. Other than absolutely everything,

I mean, your potential failure rate is only, not an impressively meagre, 100%. How could that scheme be flawed when you're handing those bags of unmarked money to a country whose two main exports are heroin and sadness? How could it not work? Karzai told reporters that the Office for National Security has been receiving support for the past 10 years, not a big amount, he said, a small amount.

And this is where the words get really interesting, which has been used for, quotes, various purposes. Now, when Hamid Carlos has managed to be put to various purposes, and that should have set alarm bells ringing, like at a World Campanology Championships, that is, he said the assistance has been very useful useful and we are thankful to them for it. Well, that's nice. That's nice, isn't it? The money was supposed to buy influence for the CIA, but instead, and you're not going to believe this, Andy, it apparently fueled corruption and empowered warlords and undermined any attempted US exit strategy,

or as they describe those three things in Afghanistan Wednesday. But these bags of cash demonstrate a clear new strategy for the US and Afghanistan, Andy, rather than just throwing money at the problem, they've moved on to dropping money near the problem instead. So let's not claim that their strategies have not evolved. Now I call it a Kelly O'Romane, who was Carthage Chief of Staff and I imagine literally also his backman. According to him, the Afghans called it Ghost Money, saying we called it Ghost Money, it came in secret and it left in secret. And that's not Ghost Money Andy, that's Ninja Money, silently arriving, silently leaving completely untraceable.

Ghost money is something that disappears before repeatedly coming back to haunt you. Do you know what he's right? It was ghost money. And Hamid Karzai actually called it something different, similar to what you heard, Andy. He called that money multi-purpose assistance, which is like the kind of euphemism that a massage parlor would give for a hand job. It apparently got so bad that an American official stated this week that the biggest source of corruption in Afghanistan was the United States, and that is big praise, Andy, because almost any single object in Afghanistan is a potential source of corruption.

Somehow, even their boulders are on the take. That brings us right up to date, and also brings us to the final question of the early May quiz question 7 in early May 1865. What happened for the first time ever in the USA? Was it a. The first train robbery on American soil at North Bendness in Cincinnati and Ohio, a gang of naughty little lightest old hundreds of thousands of bucks worth of loot? What's the apparently saying things like, hey no one's ever done this before, this has got to cool, is there a buff or a car? Was it B for the first time ever someone shouted USA, USA and Woot before shouting go Lincoln, go Lincoln, been inappropriate at the man's funeral. Was it C the first ever jet ski ride, a steam powered jet ski,

travelled at 1.5 miles an hour in Chesapeake Bay, designed of course by the Polish immigrant and entrepreneur Schlobbyschlaw, which was Jetsky, after whom the vehicle was of course eventually named. How was it do the first recorded use of the term too soon? It was on the 5th of May the evening after Lincoln's funeral and the game of Shiraz are trying to lighten the mood at the White House. New President Andrew Johnson opened up and people reacted to his mimes by saying three words. It's a play, two soon Ajay, two soon.

The answer in one second. A, yes, all of the answers were A, apart from questions four and five. If you got them all right, you have won the right to vote in every single election around the world for the next five years, but you do have to take your own pencil. So I hope you enjoyed this subbue, we will hopefully almost definitely be back with hopefully definitely be we'll 268 next week. And the meantime, if you are coming to my satirist for high show in Edinburgh, 13 to the 24th of August at the stand in London at the Soho Theatre in September or on my UK tour from September through to December, do email your satirical requests to satirize this

at satiristforhire.com with a date and venue of the show you're coming to and your beef with the world plus any supporting material you feel may be relevant. Or if you're not coming with a through reasons of geography, principle, religious devotion or simply a lifelong hatred of me, my work and everything I stand for, do we mail anyway with a kind of thing you think you might have wanted me to talk about, had you been asked or able to come to the show? Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, send your emails to info at thebuglepodcast.com, follow the Twitter feed, hello bugleers, which has been a little bit dormant of late.

And where's our say say we'll be back next week hopefully certainly probably with view all 268 until then goodbye Thank you.