The Bugle - Melania hits the Big Screen, Starmer's trip to China and a Potential back-up planet found?

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

On this week of The Bugle, Andy is joined by Anuvab Pal and Sara Barron, as they navigate through the week's biggest and strangest stories, from Melania Trump's movie release, the new Springsteen number, Starmer's trip to China and a potentially habitable new planet has been discovered 146 light-years away – but it may be -70C🎥 Melania Hits the Big Screen: Andy, Anuvab and Sara, get to grips with the latest blockbuster out of the US, as the first lady's new $75 million Amazon film launches to empty seats and faint praise in NYC🇨🇳 Starmer's China Visit: The three talk on Starmer's much anticipated visit to China, as he discussed Trump, Healthcare, Visas, and Whisky. Oh and his new love of TikTok! 🪐 Potentially Habitable New Planet: Finally, there is excitement, as scientists say that they've found an Earth-size planet, that has a ‘50% chance of residing in the habitable zone’ of its sun-like star.Andy's Links: andyzaltzman.co.ukAnuvab's Links: https://open.spotify.com/show/39RAdH5dAK01SEbPhz7GIuSara's Links: https://www.instagram.com/sarabarron1000000/?hl=en🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,367 of the world's lowest and highest-grossing audio newspaper for a visual world, trying to being truth to the planet by multiplying bullshit with hogwash since 2007. I'm Andy Zaltzman, coming to you live, albeit recorded, and in zero dimensions from London in, well, a new studio we've not used before, that frankly is a parable for the evolution of podcasting as an industry. There are three cameras here and I'm not even had my hair done. And if you're watching this, I'll just do it. I'll just do it. Just be polishing it.

Just polishing the head there. It's a different industry now. Joining me in three dimensions, I'm delighted to have with me two esteemed representatives of you, the entire human race, Anuvat Pal and Sarah Barron. Hello. Hello, Andy. Welcome to the new world of podcast. I mean, when I began this podcast now over 18 years ago, all this was field.

We just like carve stuff It was you and some cows, huh? And now you have to be concerned about your hairstyle. Welcome to womanhood. We are recording on the 2nd of February 2026. On this day in 1141, the Battle of Lincoln took place. And ironically, Lincoln is one of the venues on my imminent tour. What a plug, what a plug.

Dates available on my website. Also, the 2nd of February is National Sicky Day, apparently. So well done, both of you for turning up, not pretending to be ill. So that's an opportunity missed. But when I did try booking about 300 other comedians before I found one who was not ill. So to mark this, we're offering you buglers some diseases to pretend to have for the next National Siki Day in the year's time, including Bathy-Flyclonic troclyphidosis.

I've no idea what it is, but it sounds serious, so no one's going to ask, especially if you want them. If they want you to describe the symptoms, they'll have to make sure there are no children, priests or optimists within an airshot. Jack and Jill's disease, which is manifest in a confusion about where to acquire buckets of water from. Edithorodopathic Sledders Trekkomania in which you just think you're a husky dog. And Michelangelo's syndrome, which can pretty much guarantee you a day off work from any boss who doesn't want a load of. of naked people doored all over the ceilings and walls of the office so we do try that next year. As always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight in. I should also say this slightly unusual studio, obviously a lot of the recordings we do now are remote,

so we're sitting in, I'm sitting in my shed or we're in a studio with a table. We are sitting on, well, you tour on a sofa. I'm on a chair with my, this is my first lap desk. stop recording. I think in now what's over 650 episodes. Oh my goodness. It is encouraging us to just chat rather than chat news. Yes. I'm struggling with that. I can't feel it already. The remorseless blast of satire that people are used to. Exactly. It's sort of feels like being held captive intellectually by Soho House. It's like we won't let you go unless you give us some ideas. But it's that kind of. Sorry, just returning to great Victorian

illnesses. And he was just talking about all these great ones that I think solely missed since penicillin came about. Yeah, yeah. There's one, I quite never figured out what it was, but I've always wanted to die of it. Consumption. People always said, oh, we lost him to consumption. What is consumption? Big thing. It was a massive in, at least in British India in the 1910s, and loads of people die of consumption. I think it's a kind of pneumonia. No, it's a old term for tuberculosis. Oh, TB? Okay. Oh, it's the, it's, the big one. Yeah.

Okay. They've eradicated that. Luckily, I've never had TB. Like I'm similar, I've never really done much TV either. So I don't have to make too late things beginning with tea. So I'm immune to both, evidently. As always, a section of this audio and newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week, to try and counterbalance the latest releases from the Epstein files.

Because leaks and releases like this are often so negative and harrowing and true. So to counterbalance this in the cause of journalistic objectivity and human happiness, the bugle has for you some leaked material from files that is positive, mundane and entirely false. It's from a stash of 400 billion documents that the bugle has just undercovered in a vault 7,900 miles under the earth's crust, which is, if you go directly through the middle of the world, just on the other side of the world, and I began a journey directly. So it's basically just a stash of documents that I just made up right here. So some photos from this stash showing humanity,

better light, a picture of tennis legend Jimmy Connors, drinking a cup of tea whilst explaining to a young wannabe tennis star how to construct a point of a blocked first serve return. A photo of rock star Chrissy Hind, drawing a nice picture of a seal, one of former Czech President Vaclav Kaville, reading an art magazine. And a photo of the British aristocrat, the Earl of Snutterbridge, signing a document granting free access to his land to a local wild farming collective. And we have some emails and communications from this stash of documents,

including an email from Nobel Prize-winning American chemist Barry Sharpless to German footballer Big at Prince asking for a signed photograph for his granddaughter who was a big fan of the two-time women's World Cup winning striker and a letter from news anchor Wolf Blitzer to his carpenter thanking him for doing a terrific job on his new built-in cupboard. More of these will be dripped out into the public domain over the next several years

until we can all see the light in humanity again. It will bring absolutely no one's career or life rightfully and belatedly crashing down, so do stay tuned. in the bin. Top story this week. Unfathomable and deliberately shit filmed us surprisingly well at the box office while being at the same time

a living morality tale about overweening hubris and a harrowing look into the dark heart of American politics and plutocracy news now. Yes, this is Melania, The Movie, subtitled 20 Days to History, a perhaps optimistic estimate of how long it would run in cinemas before the movie going world and stopped vomiting into the nearest available bin.

I mean, Sarah, as an American escapé, is that the right word? An escapie? Yes. You've escaped American. Oh, I'm an escape. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know it at the time, but as it's turned out, I have escaped. Yes. Here's what I want from people with this Melania movie, right? So do you remember when, like, the Barbie film and Oppenheimer and people were Barbie hammering? Yep.

Am I saying that right? Barbie hammer? Is that what it was? I feel like because Brett Ratner, the film's director, appeared in the Epstein Files, and he's the director of this film, people. people should be doing a sort of Barbie hammer, but for the Epstein Files and the Melania film, is like, if you're going to, I'm using your quotes now,

treat yourself to the film, then you have to look through what's been released in the Epstein Files this week and read up on film's director, Brett Ratner. Right, brilliant, like a making off. Exactly that. Also, like, this is a question that I want you to answer, honestly. Okay.

Do either of you want to watch it? I think I would probably rather sharpen two carrots, douse them in vinegar and then jabbed them repeatedly into my eyeballs for the entire length of the film than actually watch it. Thank you for answer to question. But that's not a no. I'm just your connection to think. I thought I was finally going to get you to talk about your rectum when you started that sentence. Okay.

Wrong show. It didn't go that way. But I am going to get you there. I a little bit want to watch it. I like, because I think these films that are these, you know, over which the makers have entire editorial control and you're not seeing anything real, I still always find it a little bit more interesting than I want to, to see how they want, to see what the version is of themselves that they want out there.

So I just felt like I need, I've been feeling filthy, and it's because I do want to watch it. And I'm not going to, but I just wanted to, like, state publicly that that's my darkest truth. We all do. We're all down on. No, but this is my point. Andy does want to see. That's what I was trying to get at. Do we all just kind of want to a little bit?

And then it's like, know the people who are morally more superior. I don't think it's morally superior. You are a little bit morally superior. I have quite a short temper when it comes to seeing anything to do with Trump. So I can't really watch the news. I take in news by just reading articles and I even get annoyed when his faces on an eye. article online, so I have to scroll down so that... So I'm just too thin-skinned and irritable.

Okay, that's a sweet way of you. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, it could be like Shawshank Redemption. It could be, we don't know the plot, we don't know the story. It could be chariots of fire, but with Melania Trump. Yes. You know, it could be... I don't think she ends the film crawling through a sewer full of shit to a freedom, does she?

Spoiler alert. I don't know the screenwriter. It could be anything. What I love, love, love. that we've come to an age where, you know, I'm not doing whatever this is, I do a lot of screenwriting. And a lot of my time is spent pitching to studios that this is a convincing arc of a narrative. Okay. And I think we've been doing it all wrong. All screenwriters in the world have been doing it all wrong. We should just go up to individuals and say, the story is you.

You know, so. Oh, God. So, I mean, I'm just picturing the screenwriter for this. He would have gone to Amazon and said, you know, do you know, do you know, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, it's just like that, with Melania Trump. Right. You know, and they're like, done. You know, so it's those stories, but with Melania Trump. And you could do it with anybody.

You know, you could go up to anyone and say, in fact, for years I've been pitching my documentary, Andy's Olsman, the Lost Years. Yeah. That's quite a lot of years. Yeah. Respectfully. Yeah. And they said, and they said, what's it like? What's the story? And I said, well, it's the exorcist.

me that was our secret aniva I apologize I apologize I have to make money somehow so I have to sell sub-story so I said it's Exorcist meets Star Wars but with Andy's ultimate and I'm still waiting for the funding but you know I think

I think if you can customize a story to an individual that's where the answer is so I mean as you mentioned the director was Brett Ratner that was because Lenny Reef and Stahl was unavailable Amazon spent $40 million on the film of which according to some reports

28 million went directly to Melania Trump they spent 35 million dollars on its promotion so that's the figure in the press is a 75 million total budget and bearing in mind that the company recently cut 16,000

corporate jobs I mean with that 75 million dollars they could have set up trying to find a cure for uncontrollable egotism which would have been better money better spent I mean it's quite hard to imagine from Amazon's perspective you know how

much more obvious they could have been about the fact that this is not really a film as much as a bribe without walking straight up to both Donald and Melania and slapping a 37.5 million dollar bill on each of their arces that's

I mean it's it's almost unashamed isn't it? Crazy crazy to think that they would do something unashamed are we also like are we all not supposed to be like do we all need now to official be done with Amazon. Are we there? I think we're there now, right? Like, I mean, I ordered something this morning. I was just got to say, but beyond that, like, that surely has to have been the last one, right? Yeah. We have to stop now. I'm certainly not going

to let them make my biopic. That's, that's, you know, the line in the sand for me. It took, so there's a, as well as being for Amazon online, it's also had a, theatrical release. It took $7 million at the box office in the US, which is the biggest documentary debut in over a decade. I mean, obviously that doesn't cover the $75 million it cost, but it's certainly more than a massive

pile of shit deserves to take at the box office in those stories in the rest of the world, how people were literally being paid to go, or there was no one there at all. It was beaten at the box office in the US by two other horror films, Iron Lung, and

send help. On Rotten Tomatoes, It's got 8% positive reviews, which is putting it very much in the John Oliver film category. Also, conservatives are like they're going and they're seeing it twice. This is their way of teaching Hollywood a lesson by spending money on a ticket to see a film made by one of the biggest entertainment companies in the world. It's the underdog, and they're the underdog. You know, Melania Trump getting paid 20 million, Brad Pitt gets paid a little bit less. and deservedly so because, you know, I mean, she's carrying the whole film.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's a fair price. I mean, beginning to end, there is no co-actor, there's no villain. It's just her having to do the whole thing. It's called Melania. I think it's a fair price. I mean, the only other thing that's cost this much

is Pirates of the Caribbean and Avengers Endgame. And they had to create worlds and blow up helicopters. But here this person has to carry all that weight on their shoulders. Corruption is something I'm very fond of. I like that. closer to it than you guys are in the United Kingdom. There was a chief minister of an Indian state who officially couldn't get bribes and became an abstract painter. And the chief minister's paintings suddenly were bought up by business houses for the same price as Banksy's paintings.

This happened in my home state of West Bengal. So after this podcast, I don't think I can go home. But this is a fact. And so the painting sold for a vast amount of money and they are in houses of many business people in West Bengal. And she is a renowned painter. Maybe that's the value. Who decides value? Maybe that is the value of the painting. I mean, we did offer Malani a $27 million to come on the bugle,

but we got outbid. Some of the reviews, well, as I said, less than flattering. The Guardian described it as dispiriting, deadly and unrevealing and unredeemable as a film. The Independent said that, It's a preening, scowling void of pure nothingness. Oh my God. The critic.com.

UK said it was fascinatingly terrible, an important document in the decline of American public life. Owen Gleberman, a variety, called it a cheeseball infomercial of staggering inertia. It's brought some lovely language out of the reviewers. Can I say these journalists are enjoying themselves? Absolutely. These journalists are going, I can write. Floral.

Prose. They're having, like, a good time. with these sentences. This is the problem with, you know, this sort of liberal media. You know, they're looking for things in movies like plot, a beginning, middle, and an end, a conflict, reason and logic. It's just the wrong way to review things. Yeah.

You know, like, I mean, we're in an age where someone started a logfire on YouTube, and it's been running for 10 years or something, and that has, that's made the creator of that YouTube video a million dollars a year. So we're looking for the wrong things. They're asking, is there a reason to make this movie? Is their protagonist like of... What kind of questions are this? It's just a person who's living a life,

who's come from an Eastern European country and done such incredible things in the first world. And I think, you know... Praise her. 20 million is just half of what it should be. Certainly a dog from down the road from us also reviewed it on the pavement. I mean, some people have done

well out of it, whilst the actual Melania film has struggled. A paranormal erotic parody novel from 2018 entitled Melania Devourer of Men after a Reddit campaign shot up to number one on the Amazon Kindle chart. The author of the book

agreed to make the book free to help it climbed the chart. I mean this shows where we are, I think, as a species, that we feel helpless against the might of tech gazillionaires and their takeover of the soul of human life and mulching all that is good and beautiful about the world into a amorphous techno gloop. But the one way people can fight back is via the online prank. I was thinking as protest go, it's not quite standing in front of a tank in Tiananmen's

but what am I doing? So who am I to judge? This could be a very good series. What is it called? Melania Trump. Devourer of Men. It's a graphic novel series, that kind of thing? I don't know if it's graphic novel or if it's graphic novel. messed up about me. I have no interest in Rolani a devourer of men. I just want to see the big film. You're an intellectual. I'm an intellectual.

That's why. Because there's a whole series you can do of graphic novels. I was thinking of a few. Robert F. Kennedy lover boy in which he poses as a Cuban jigolo. Pete Hexeth, Indian tax inspector, where he's in charge of high-profile Mumbai tax rates. I mean, you could do it with the entire, I mean, I haven't. You see a franchise.

Yeah. I do, I do. We haven't even got the son-in-law who's solving the Middle East by making it a Riviera. We haven't got to him. But, you know, I mean, you could do a whole. I mean, Marvel and DC are in trouble. Yeah. This series.

This is the future of the creative arts. Yeah. We're all doomed. Well, in another new release, well, the music world has been very cross with Trump of late, the grand. Grammys this week the likes of bad bunny, Billy Irish, Carol King, Cizor and Gloria Estefan, not impressed with the current situation

and America turning into a police state that executes his own citizens in broad daylight. And Bruce Springsteen, the rock legend, Vibos, has released a song The Streets of Minneapolis, a direct and open blast against the Trumpist regime in its brutalities,

dedicated to the people of Minneapolis, are innocent, immigrant neighbours, and in memory of Alex Pretty and René Good. and it's set to make it into the UK's top 20 which will be Bruce Springsteen's first top 20 hit in the UK this millennium and it's number one in the iTunes charts as of yesterday Donald Trump not a fan understandably

described the song as irrelevant but I mean this is again this is it's the only way that humanity has of fighting about waiting for Bruce Springsteen to be the world's conscience Well, can I just say I'm personally, we are in this year's Grammys right now, as you pointed out, but I'm excited for next year's Grammys when Bruce will be up against Lily Allen for least ambiguous lyric. It's someone who never does anything. I mean, I'm not marching.

I'm not joining in. I just like to sit back and make fun of people who try to do good in the world. And so I don't want to be like railing on the boss, but I feel, but here I am. It's like, I don't know, I don't feel like Minneapolis rolls off the tongue like Philadelphia, despite the issues at hand. And it's also, you know, you hear musicians say they'll be like, yeah, you know, there's always, if you're a musician, there's just always these songs just knocking around in your head. And you're like, I think you're picking the wrong ones.

Springsteen previously described Trump as corrupt, incompetent and treasonous, but to be fair to Trump, he did run for office on that ticket, so that's very much the Monday given to him by the people of America. Other Trump-related songs that have just been released in the past 30 seconds, as we record, the Fragles, the eponymous star of Jim Henson's 1980s hit TV show Fragle Rock, broke their near four-decade silence with a special updated version of the show's theme tune, down at Fragle Rock entitled The Agonizing Death Howl of the American Dream. Robert Johnson, the blues legend for the 1930s,

Back from the Dead for one week only, has released Unbelievable Shitbag Blues, and the Slashicor, Grunge, Jazz, hip-hop, coma, metal heroes, Betty Road, the splats released What's that absolute Fuck Big doing in the White House? That's to the tune of Moon River. So a lot of music. He's still got Nikki Minaj though.

Nikki Minaj is on side with Trump. What did she say? She held his hand last week, I think, at some... Why? I don't know. I did ask Nikki if she had any... I feel like you, Nikki,

you live in the same sort of bubble in my head so I just thought you could message him and my girl with that. She's a huge cricket fan. I'm really glad that the President of the United States has time. between figuring out whether to bomb Iran or not to watch Trevor Noah and abuse him

and listen to you know he's more zeitgasty than we are I haven't heard the song yet and then he's got a view on it so he's a cultural reviewer and a world leader it's not easy to he's trying to get rid of the supreme leader to La Chamini while he's got

dancing in the dark going on in the back like how many of us multitasking. Can we? And also, you know, I think you make a very good point about people being fundamentally good. It was minus 23 degrees centigrade when some 20,000 people in Minnesota showed up after the shooting. I think minus 22 degrees, any exposed skin freezes. I'm from the tropics, right? And if I ever went to Minnesota, I'd be an immigrant. So chances of being shot in the face are high. But so if they said your choices are being shot in the face or minus 23 degrees protots, I'd be rather shot in the face. minus 22 degrees and some 20,000 people

who have nothing to do the person who was shot showed up people I think fundamentally are probably not shit One other quick pitted news from the music world turmoil at the Royal Opera House in London

where people apparently threw things at the stage and booed at a performance of Puccini's Turandotte Is it pronounced Turandotte or Tor and Do? I'm not really into opera. I'm very clear about the lack of intellectualism over here. I've been to opera twice in my life and I didn't like it.

I just, I don't really generally see a reason for singing something that you can say. First of all, that's a negative approach to life. Right. Are you someone who doesn't like musical theater? I don't like musical theater. Dude, it's so joyful. I can't abide people like you, Andy. I think breaking out into song when there's no reason is just beautiful.

and should be supported at all times. Okay. However, this, what I, what I find funny about the opera goers specifically and the kind of the shouting out and this, it's, it, it's like people who like to do dress up but can't commit. Right. You don't you see an adult who wants to like do Game of Thrones stuff? Yeah. Or do like Lord of the Ring stuff.

And you're like, oh, you like a little, you like to feel old-timey in yourself. That's what I think about certain opera goers. But I liked how this story, I liked how this was handled. So for the listeners, you haven't heard the story, a very famous tenor got sick mid-show. And then they had, like, they had someone singing in the wings. And then they brought in someone who really couldn't sing all that well to finish out the show. But they couldn't do nessendorma because it's too, it's too big. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So number one, I respect these people. It's like, you know how radio had like, won't do creep? Yeah. And you're like, fuck you, but also badass. I like that approach And also it really disproves the theory

Of always leave them wanting more But I felt so bad They're just trying to get They're like these people paid a lot of money They're trying to do a nice thing for you Yeah But if you go to the opera Then you're probably always hoping

You're going to get a moment We're going to get to like Chuck a tomato or yell Bravo or boo Especially because it's not sophisticated people You don't expect them to throw things No but I think ultimately we all come down Even wearing your black tie to animal instincts.

Yeah, totally. Start throwing stuff. My favorite thing about the opera are the English subtitles. There'll be a bunch of people shouting at each other in Italian. It'll go on for a while, right? And then the word that comes up is yes. And then they've just, I was like, that's not all he said. He said more than that.

And also, I have no problem with this. I have no problem with the owner of the business showing up. An owner has to cook in a restaurant sometimes, even when he's not a chef. You know, I was just reading up just things. that people could have done when the artist stepped away. For example, Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo, commissioned by Pope Julius II.

Now, he did that over six years. Did Michelangelo show up to work every day? I don't think so. I think Julius II did some touch-ups once in a while. He's like, let me just add a little thing here. We've all done it. I'm sure he probably tried to paint some underpants on, at least some of the people on that.

He said, oh, he didn't want to see all those willies. We're trying to pray. I'd take a look I would take a look So yeah It's a Jacamo Puccini's opera If you want to follow him on socials It's at Jackie Pooch

Here's another, well sort of new release An exciting news actually given the state of the world A potentially habitable new planet Has been discovered Which is hugely exciting Given the state of our current planet There's just two slight drawbacks To overcome before we

Bag and tag everything on this planet And stick it in storage One it's 146 light years away and two, they've estimated the temperature there is minus 70 degrees Celsius. I mean, other than those two things, there's no real reason why we shouldn't upsticks now and just do it now. I was reading this story and they kept saying, how many hundred? It's 140 light years, yeah. Okay, so I'm reading that and I'm going, but I don't know, I don't understand what a light year is really.

So I'm like, but me, I don't know where things are at. Like maybe we can get there in like a couple years. And then at the very end of the story, it was like, and to get there, would take 100,000 years. Like, what if you get there and it's wrong vibes? What if it's wrong vibes around revival? You know, we recently moved house,

and you're like, you look at stuff on right move, and then you get there, and you're like, no. What if that happens after 100,000 years on this planet? I like these scientists for the optimism, and it's fun, but you're like, dudes, don't save till the very end. Yeah. Hundreds of thousands. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I was sort of basing it on the current fastest. space rocket, which is 430,000 miles an hour. I reckon it was five and a half million years to get there. But maybe... I can't think about this. Yeah, it's a long way. I don't like these stories. They push my brain too far.

It makes me feel insane. Yeah. But also, you know, what we're seeing is that planet 146 years ago, because that's how long it takes a light to get here. What? So if they're looking at us the other way, they're probably looking at us wondering why the queen is so fucking grumpy all the time. Why everyone is twizzling their moustaches and what's up with a massive hats.

So, I don't know, I just don't think you can judge a planet that far away because, you know, could well have changed. They've overpromised and under-delivered with this stuff. They need to sit on the story for like another 400 years. Science does that so often. By the minute, can I just say, I'm very annoyed with this intelligent life and space thing. Right. Like, they should have found something by now. I know.

Come on, guys. Give me an alien. Diculous. Give me an alien. I'm ready. Do you want me so sad as I took my son, we went over a Christmas break when we went to the Natural History Museum. And I paid. I'm very, very, very cheap.

Pay the $20 pounds a ticket, you know, to see a special exhibit. It was like, wildlife photographer of the year. And then you're like, oh, look, someone caught the Arctic fox in the hole or whatever. And you're like, okay. And I'm standing in cues and cues to people to look at an Arctic fox. We leave the exhibit. My son goes to the toilet. I'm waiting for him.

I was the only person stood in front of a meteorite. Four billion years ago. No one was looking at the billion-year-old meteorite, and everyone was looking at an Arctic fox. I was so upset about humanity. We're interested in the wrong things. And to these guys, they say, don't get me excited until you have an alien or a place I can actually go.

Or even that my grandchild, I can't think about anything beyond my grandchildren. Even if my great-great-grandchildren can go there, I don't give a shit. Do you find it interesting to think how far your empathy extends? Two generations either way? Yeah, that's all I can do. I can think about shitty things happening to my grandma and shitty things happening to maybe my great grandchild.

And then I'm done and I really don't care what happens. Quite empathic. Two before, two after. Other than that, fuck these bitches. So I guess if there's a message from this episode of the bugle, it's death to all Arctic foxes. That's what I was trying to communicate. You know, what have they found?

You keep showing us those ridges on Mars. I'm sick of seeing them. Yes, it was habitable ones. You have no other proof. then for a while they got very excited about one of the moons of Saturn I think Titan was the name then they thought it would be full of water the center rover hasn't come back what's going on you know this is this is absolutely I've been waiting

for a while yeah you know I've I've ordered so much on deliverer in that time nothing has come I agree with you my agents are keeping me like come on what are you going to do in the online space I'm like fuck you what are the scientists doing with inhabitable planets it's really get down to brass tax Yeah. Well, on the subject of online space, the huge development in British politics

that Keir Starrmann of the Prime Minister became the first British Prime Minister to announce a policy on TikTok. And you think of all the Prime Ministers we've had, Disraeli, Gladstone chose not to use TikTok, Andrew Bonar Law in his brief theory in 19 we haven't been last very long. but Stama has

has jumped in so he's basically used 21st century technology to announce changes to an 11th century system so he's revealing that laws regarding leaseholds of buildings

which date back to the years after the Norman conquest in 1066 are going to be changing and he announced this via TikTok rumour it has it that he likes TikTok

because the name reminds him of the sound he hears in his head of time simply draining away I'm not sure about how I feel about Stama whose whole, if not sole attraction as a politician in the 20s is that he is, was and forever shall be completely square trying to embrace modern technology

joining the global influencer epidemic that has had such a devastating impact on the planet as a whole. It's not something I'm happy with, really. And obviously, it's sort of technical laws, but the fact that these laws date back almost a thousand years, this nation prides itself on retaining pointless relics of medieval feudalism. as the lyrics to our national anthem can testify.

And I don't think we're ready to completely chop that reassuringly umbilical chord that dates back to our Norman conquestural routes. Is that the term? So I have a quick question. This was a rental law from 1066? Yeah, it's from a little bit after that.

But interestingly, originally, when, so these leasehold laws were first announced in the year, the decades after the Battle of Hastings. And they used the second century, the early second millennium equivalent of TikTok, which was the tapestry, of course. So there was two tapasies, one explaining the laws to the vendors and another to the purchasers. So they had a seller tapestry and also a buyer tapestry.

That's terrible. It's not my favorite. They're my favorite. I don't take it. So is the logic that the biggest renters, and you guys will know this much better, in London, are poor and young? And the poor and young are all on TikTok, therefore, communicate through TikTok. I think that's, yes, it's, um, Stama trying to reach some of the few people who haven't decided they don't like him because they haven't yet heard of him. Is this what he was up to as well with all his Labubu talk? He kept talking about Labubu's. I was like, this is a quote.

He said, I got one for myself, but I don't think it'll last long with my children. I was like, dude, I genuinely think he doesn't know how old his kids are. His kids are 15 and 17. I was like, are they feral? These are like things for little children. You look checked out as a dad and just a human more generally. Also, like following the trip, they're now going to open a European headquarters. This is a thing that's happening in the wake of this visit.

Lubu-bu are going to open a European headquarters and seven new stores in the UK because nothing says long-term prosperity like a viral novelty doll. Also, I didn't get any pandas. We're the bleeper the pandas. This is very disappointing. After the Empire, Britain needs something. This could be it.

Labibu's and pandas. This is it. Well, I mean, this takes us into it. Well, our new section based on the old Muppet show segment, Pigs in space, but it's prime ministers in communist superpowers. So, Akir's Tom, had his trip to China and Japan. He took some time out from being a Damien Hirst tribute. artwork entitled The Impossibility of Political Success in a World of Furious Perman.

And met President Xi, Ex-I, not only the Roman numerals for the number of seats, Labour on track to win at the next general election, but also the name of the Chinese President Xi, or Jinping Jack Flash, as he likes to be known, huge Stones fan. And two leaders bound by increasing concerns about the Chinese military, but in different ways. Said some wonderfully vague things, Keith Simon. He said he was asked whether he would raise issues such as, the release of Jimmy Lye and persecution of Uigham Muslims. And he said he would raise the issues that need to be raised,

which, I mean, even in the age of political vagueness, that is heroically non-committal. Do you think this might be a good way of dealing with Andy Burnham? Possibly, yes, yeah. Which is, you know, the other thing that Storm has been trying to deal. Just on China, Kimmy Bader, the Tory leader said, that Stama shouldn't be talking to China, should not be talking to countries not aligned with our interests.

But I don't think we in Britain are aligned with our own interests now. Or indeed, I don't think anyone is aligned with anyone's interests in the world right now. So that would be a very quiet world. And she said that we shouldn't be talking to a nation that is doing everything it can to undermine our economy. And if they are doing that, it does make you, question how great a superpower China is if they're bothering to undermine our economy when we have got that totally under control for ourselves. Why are they bothering wasting time on that?

Well, I mean, I just, I think quite a lot about China. And when I think about China, it brings me to Monty Python. Because to quote Monty Python, other than censorship, a close legal system, no Google and a secret spying device on every object ever made in this world. What has China ever done anything. See, so Stahmer said he was quote clear-eyed about the threat China poses to British national security but the problem is everyone is clear-eyed about the complete

dependence of the UK economy on trade with China and we're in this weird position at the moment where America is currently about as reliable as an ally and trading partner as Admiral Nelson is as a dance partner in that he's been dead for 220 years he stuck up a column and he's covered in pigeon

shit so he's not emphatically what he was. So it's an awkward situation. Can I just say recently the great Chinese artist I-Wei-Wei, I think I'm pronouncing it correctly, who obviously

suppressed in the Chinese regime escaped and has since lived between London and Berlin, said that he's had such a terrible time trying to get a Barclay's debit card through the bureaucracy that was better to live under the

communistration. My God. So even the great artists say, yes, it's nice to have freedom, but the bureaucracy is quite bad. So you just don't know where in the world freedom is anymore. Well, two

creatures that, I don't know whose freedom has been much disputed. Two panders from a zoo in Japan have been forcibly given back to China thousands of people flocked to the zoo. There were tearful scenes

just to have a last glance at these pandas. A lot of political tensions between Japan and China at the moment. It caused total chaos at the zoo. So the background noise of complaints about the popular animals being evicted, a pandemonium, if you will. So what this story made clear that? I'd not been aware of that.

Basically, all these pandas in zoos around the world are on loan from China for an annual fee of around about £800,000 per pair. That's amazing. Why? Why? Pandas. You know, people get obsessed with pandas.

And I was looking at it. And I was like, all right, that's like cute. You know, it's cute. But, like, I think the big thing is, it's black and white. Same with a zebra. Why do we give a shit? But questions, Harold. It's two colors instead of one color.

Yeah. It probably goes back to the days before color photography. and people thought, oh, that must be amazing before they realized the disappointing truth. But would you pay 20 pounds to go and see photographs of a panda in the Arctic with your son? I just want to say, don't come at me that way, okay, because I didn't want to do it.

But my son was like, Mom, I really want to do this thing? And I was like, I was trying to. I would do it. No, I wouldn't want to. I hate photography. Can I just say it? I just don't have a lot of respect for it as a medium. I don't give a shit.

You got the angle. Do I care? Right. A good eye, really? Have you ever read a book? That's what I want to say to photographers. That shit took someone like a decade.

Right. You're listening to Leibovitz. Yeah. But all the great ones, Richard Avedon, all of them. I mean maybe a bit, but I would, no, I don't care. Like a painting, fine. A book, a song, a film. I don't care about pictures.

I really, really don't. Thank you very much for listening, buglers. Do come to my tour shows. details at andes aldsman.co.ukh. Venues around the UK over the next couple of months. Annavab, anything to plug?

Nope. Just to say that the podcast we do in India last week finishes 15 years. So if you do listen to us, carry on listening to us, we're on Spotify and everywhere podcasts are. 15 years? That's nothing. It's nothing. It's no.

It's done, Rosman. Sarah, anything to plug? Yes, a podcast that I do myself about TV, but also my deranged relationship. with my husband they like to watch and also keep an eye on my Instagram Sarah Barron 1 million where I'm about to launch a project I both bet you both be fascinating to know there's going to be like a woman on the street vibe where I approach people who don't want to talk to me

to see if my rage is either justified or paramedopause right and do they get to vote? The boys in the room are excited there are some young bucks in the room and some vintage wine Yes, yes, thank you. Everyone here is excited. Yeah. Okay, so it's Sarah spelled Sarah. Barron 2R is 1 million.

Find me. All right. There you go, beautiful. Until next time, goodbye.