The Bugle - Nationalise Human Trafficking

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Andy is with Josh Gondelman and Ria Lina to focus on the latest nonsense from lawmakers in the USA and UK. Plus Northern Ireland, Monkey Pox and Elephants.OH - AND WE HAVE A PADDINGTON BEAR EXCLUSIVE!We run no advertising, you keep us going!Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanRia LinaJosh GondelmanAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bughlers, and welcome to issue 4233 of the Bughal, the world's foremost insight into the still twitching heart of humanity.

Is it really that? Who writes this garbage? I am Bughal Chief Writer and Consultman, and it is the 15th of June 2022 here in the Shed of Inviable Justice, as it is in so many other parts of the world right now, including the two parts of the world from where my guests today joined me no doubt as excited by England having won one of the most dramatic test matches ever played in the almost two and a half thousand match history of international cricket from New York City, or imagine the celebrations are still in full swing.

It's Josh Gondelman, hello Josh. Hello Andy, the listeners can't see me, but I have my shirt off and the word Cricket painted across my chest. It is mania over here. And from London, Ria Lena, Ria, I mean I imagine you've spent the last five days as gripped by the test matches as I have been in my literally professional capacity. Oh, very much so. I'm also sitting here with my shirt off, but I don't understand the sports, so I put goal across my chest. Um, but in my defense, I am shorter than Josh, so it didn't work.

Cricket. I've unexpectedly broad shoulders. You've been hearing my voice. You and Gesset, but they're very broad. I was up late last night celebrating said test match till the wee hours as it should be celebrated with drunk friends in Chinatown. So I feel that Cricut's proud of me. Cricut, but Andy is Cricut proud of me. Absolutely.

Absolutely. But everyone, it loves that. My dog was barking all last night. I kind of rarely slept. I bet she was celebrating the cricket match as well. We're all celebrating. That's quite possible. It was just a New Zealand dog.

We don't know. Anyway, let's move on from that. We are recording. On the 15th of June 2022, on this day in the year 1215 King John of England Wacked his seal on the Magna Carta or to call it by its technically correct name Biggie the big chart. Of course Magna Carta the inspiration for the superstars of 13th century legislation themed hip hop such as Biggie charts MC rules and the feudal thungs to King John of course notoriously right up there in the shittest ever English monarchs chart And he plunked his wax one on the 63 clause charter of assorted gripes in the year 1215 to try to pacify a plague of bleeding Barons and Chantra in churchman and like so many great parts of the glorious history of this nation

It didn't work. It mostly aimed to benefit the already rich and powerful of you of it today is largely based on incorrect historical interpretations of it from long after it happened. And now on today really knows exactly what it entailed, but we still like to bang on about it. So it is true, true British history. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. And this picks up on last week's Jubilee celebrations. As part of the Jubilee celebrations, there was a sketch of Paddington Bear having tea and sandwiches with the queen that was broadcast as part of the celebration. However, we at the Bugle have been exclusively told that Paddington's line in the sketch actually had to be dubbed in after filming by an actor, because the bear himself went, shall we say, off script. And in a world exclusive, we have access to the outtakes from the Paddington has

tea with the queen sketch. Please, Mom, is there anything you can do to help the threatened assembly to Rwanda? CUT! Well, you can have my hat if I can have your hat. CUT! Not so padding ton, may I have a pastoso, soy de pedo, y si, me gusta a déficare en el bosque. CUT! CUT!

Well if I were you Betsy, I'd get medieval on the f***ing lot of them. Slap on your armor, pop on your horse, chop down the parliament, so you've had your f***ing get. Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get!

Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get!

Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get! Get. Cut! Cut! Is it just me? Or are you also terrified of Wombles? Don't know why, Max, but they're just giving the f**king creeps. Can't stand the rubbish holding pointy snouted weirdos. Cut!

What do you believe in the other day, Max? Can I call you Max? Cut! This guy comes up to me and he's like, Are you that one out of the Wombles? Oh, Jesus! Cut! And I'm like, if you call me a f**king Womble again, mate, I'll show this f**king Womble a f**king sandwich. So far up your f**k, sorry, Mom. Milk and and two sugars, please and maybe another slice of that lovely battenberg

Are you still single? What past sticks to the fucking script you not understand you furry fucking idiot. Are you talking to me or her? Top story this week, America is still fucked. Josh has American correspondent this week. Just bring us up to date with exactly what's been going on, particularly with the the sixth of January hearings into, well, it's essentially a look into the, you know, Donald Trump's legacy of caxold country that continues to shape and drive American

political agenda. So we're having some hearings over here, investigating the thing that was on live TV. And if you missed it on live TV, the people doing it were live streaming it from the capital saying we're doing it, we're storming the capital. And so now we're investigating, I guess, whether that happened. And so it's kind of a national exercise that's either a confirmation of reality

or a large scale gaslighting. The panel is trying to prove that Donald Trump knew the allegations of election fraud that he leveled, right, that set off this January 6th insurrection. Uh, we're false. He's trying, the panel's trying to prove that he knew he was lying when he said that there was fraud, which it's hard to prove because much like Dr. Strange from what I can glean from the posters. I haven't seen the movie. Donald Trump exists in a multiverse, one universe that exists, and then another that's whatever he wants it to be.

And those two universes are equally real to him. It's kind of a regressive reboot of everything everywhere all at once, where an old white man gets to live out all his potential realities. Former Attorney General Bill Barr testified that Trump became detached from reality, which is how you know, bar is full of shit, like became, he remained detached from reality, and it became a political problem for some of his allies

who like to go to fancy parties and eat at nice restaurants, not just a single golf club in Florida. One witness who was party to these strategic discussions within the White House said that Rudy Giuliani was drunk while advising Trump on election night, which would explain Giuliani's actions that night and over the preceding 20 years and the ensuing year. And Trump's campaign, this is like kind of the cherry on top as the Trump's campaign has come out raised about a quarter of a billion dollars for a non-existent fund dedicated to

fighting to overturn the election results and investigate fraud. And that more than anything is the crowning achievement of the Trump presidency. More than any policy, more than any national mood, it's getting a quarter of a billion dollars to not investigate a thing you didn't believe was happening in the first place. Trump's presidential library should just be bookshelves

full of that $250 million. Just, here's my legacy. This is all you need to know. That money was interesting, wasn't it, that day? I thought it was really, and it's like, who are we? Who's upset by it? I'm not sure who's upset by it, because the Democrats are like, and you raise this money for nothing, but it's like, it wasn't your money anyway.

There's money from Trump donors. And it then went to the, as you said, to that invisible fund, the non-existent official election defense fund, which then gave the money to save America PAC, who then gave it to various associations, organizations associated with Trump like, the company that organized the rally that then ended up being the riot,

and the Trump hotel collection. And given that many of those donors were at the rally and probably stayed his hotels, it's just the circle of life, isn't it? Like, it's so funny too, that the track the money went on is so traceable, right? It's like the money-wondering equivalent of like spraying febries on the armpits of a t-shirt.

Like it's not laundering. It's just slightly less objectionable, I guess. I mean Trump seems very, very cross about everything. He described the inquiry as a kangaroo court, which I think was probably an insult to both the concept of justice and all marsupials. He kept on banging on about voter fraud, which would be a legitimate gripe to be fair if it had happened. And he said that America is in a nose dive. And I don't think again in 2024 or indeed 2028 or if he wins either of those elections in the election that will follow that in maybe I don't know 2056 or something. And there's a thing about Bar saying that he'd become detached from reality.

I would think that would be a thoroughly mutual decision. I imagine reality couldn't wait to get shot of the shit. Head quick enough. I find it fascinating. He kind of does numbers the same way that our politicians do numbers in terms, you know, if it's not too soon to bring it slightly over to where we just had our own vote over here, where even though it was the largest rebellion against this sitting prime minister, they still said that was a victory.

And here's Trump going, oh, it's voter fraud, even though he has never won the popular vote. So never in the life of America has America ever said, yes, we want you definitively. So who are we defrauding? The electoral college. The electoral college needs to, the electoral college. Apparently the electoral college needs to the electoral college needs some help. It needs to learn how to count. It needs to understand common sense.

It needs to you know, reality needs to detach from Trump and maybe sit next to the electoral college for a while. I mean, they still decide in some places who's going to be president by standing in corners of rooms. And in some places, it's not even a room, it's a barn. Just a quick American question. Is that not how they do it everywhere? It's the only system I've ever known.

No, no, no. Here in the UK, all of our barns are no gastropops. Thank you. I mean, elsewhere in the sort of the after Trump America, a veteran South Carolina congressman for the Republican Party, Tom Rice has been turfed out in a primary election by Trump endorsed candidate Russell Fryne. What was, you know, a Trumpist revenge vote because of Tom Rice last year voting to impeach Trump for proudly defigating all over the quivering remnants of American democracy.

So Josh, I mean, what could at this point heal America? Well, I mean, are we looking at just full scale arm again and a rebuild from scratch hoping that you got it slightly less wrong next time? Or are you looking at, you know, coming back to the mullership, rejoining the United Kingdom for another hundred years, get them back in time. And then go your own way again. I think the first part of what you said, I think that could really help. I just Armageddon. I don't know if we need to do the rebuilding part.

I think that might be kind of a better system. I feel like if you, the works of Karmic McCarthy, the road, for example, it's like, you know, it's, uh, it's an apocalypse, but it's, there's just a fairness to it that we don't have in our current political system. Britain news now, and now that the jubibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbib years, with sterling floundering on the international markets and being teased mercilessly by the other countries for being worryingly out of shape, with chaos being getting chaos on various transport networks, with the cost of existing Britishly rocketing up like a late 1950s Soviet dog, and with the Prime Minister fumbling around like a naked man at a funeral wearing a rotating light-up sombrero to take people's attention away from his bluta, the government has resorted to doing what it does best, dealing with immigrants in a more ronic,

putrid, but headline grabbing way. Really, it's extraordinary so moved. We've talked about this over the last few months on the bugle. These flights to Rwanda, the first of these much-drumpeted flights to deposit asylum seekers in Rwanda was left stuck on the runway yesterday, after in an irony of, well, both glorious and depressing pecancy, the European Court of Human Rights intervened,

and it was unable to take off. It's, how do you assess the situation? I mean, and to add to this, it was a Boeing 767 capacity 250 plus. And it was rammed to the rafters with weight for it and estimated up to seven asylum seekers on board. It's, it's an extraordinary look at where the British government is in terms of the message it's trying to portray and the incompetence that it cannot avoid. Yeah. And it's all because obviously there are obviously there's a whole ton of human rights lawyers that are appealing

on behalf of each individual refugee that is on that flight, or not as the case may be. I'm not quite sure why they're all appealing. I mean, I have friends whose holiday to New Yorker was canceled over half-term that would kill for a seat on that flight. But that's another thing, but I find I'm I'm worried and amazed in equal measure. I mean, for example, Jeffrey Robertson, who's representing the lead case before the European human rights courts, said one of the things that makes Britain great is that we will abide by international courts and international law. And he says that every time they win and a refugee is saved from going on that flight. But first of all, Northern Ireland just called and I don't know that that's how they feel

about Britain's reputation for following international law. But secondly, Boris has just said, well, okay, if they don't want us to, we'll just leave the convention for human rights to force this through. He will not be as Boris said in his own words, deterred or abashed. Although whether he meant with regards to the Rwanda policy or whether the journalist was just stuck between him and the bar is unclear at this point. I will say Boris Johnson he would not be deterred or abashed. I happen to think he is deterred here.

Good don't don't love it. Oh, pun from an American. Hey, there we go. This is what I bring to the table. It's beautiful. I feel like there's a real up and down here, right? There's like real pluses and minuses like every asylum seeker that's being sent to Rwanda. Like, I feel like you could say to them, like, sure, what we're doing to you is a violation of international human rights, but on the other hand, you get your own row, huh? That's something they're I bet everybody's on the plane half of them are like some they're they're half thinking Get me off this plane and half of them is like I hope nobody sits next to me. There's only seven of us Not great. Get a free upgrade. You got my get some free pajamas out of it. Oh, that would be such bullshit. You know, first class is empty on that plane. I think you're forgetting that we're paying for it so that makes us good people. We're funding this.

We're funding this. We're using our carbon points to send this empty plane not just there, but it will be even empty around the way back when it tries to pick up more people. That's, yeah, let's ignore that. I really irritated with you. this empty plane, not just there, but it will be even empty or on the way back when it tries to pick up more people. Yeah, let's ignore that. I've really irritated with, you know, they keep going, well, somebody has to thwart the people, traffickers,

the whole, you know, we can't let the criminals win. And I'm going to the problem with the government's thinking is that they think that people, that people traffickers care if the people make it or not. Like, that's not there going, oh darn it, another 50 we sent over, have been sent back again. That's not really what they're focused on.

They just care if there are people out there with money who wish to be trafficked. So sending people to the continent of Africa who don't want to be there and wish to be somewhere else, if anything is just providing them with repeat business. Think of the Yelp reviews, though, leave for the traffickers. So you suggesting, Ray, that essentially what we need to do is just realign the way that

people traffickers have their end-of-year reviews. Certainly. I think that at the moment their goals are to make as much money as possible, when really their goals should be get X number of people to X place. Do you know what I mean? Like I need to get 100 or 200 people to a safe country such as the UK by the end of Christmas. And then that's how you review them. I mean, I think the real way though, if we want to properly thwart these people trafficking gangs is to actually fill the plane up in Rwanda when it's there with even more refugees and fly them back for free That's really what's gonna irritate them the more people we collect and keep in the country ourselves

The fewer there are out there for people traffickers to take advantage of To say then once they're here. We're gonna train them up We're gonna put them to work contributing to our economy right right? Making money for us, not for the people traffickers. Fill their heads with ideas of gender equality, democracy, socialism, make them so grateful that we were good to them. They would do anything for us, include provide help to other refugees that need to come over in a safe, affordable legal manner. And then that's how you show up, people trafficking gang.

It's, you know, hit them where it hurts with a big, old whack of human decency. Nationalized people trafficking that is the message. That is it essentially. I think that is that is the three-word logo you know how we had. We had it all the way through the pandemic didn't we? So hands face space now it's nationalized human trafficking that's our new that's our new message. As opposed to the current message from the government, which is f***ing right off. So I mean, again, a new three words to logo. We're making progress here. I think we are. There's been a lot of dispute over this, that the government's plans have been criticized by

amongst other people, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Bueville Clubcast, and biscuit found, Deputy Queen and 70 years on the bench heir to the throne, Prince Charles, who was very, very critical of the scheme, recently in Boris Johnson, hit back with his classic logic that the reason the scheme existed was that criminal people trafficking gangs had to be stopped. Now, I don't think even the mostly Johnson skeptic would dispute that stopping people trafficking gangs is a good idea, but I think most would side with the prince in saying that the government's chosen solution of flying a small number of the victims of people trafficking thousands of miles to another country, which is already way more densely populated

in the UK, is not the best solution, or indeed the only solution just because it is the government's chosen solution because solutions can be wrong ineffective or as in this case not solutions at all. This is a solution in the same way that if your dog has fleas it's a solution to shave the fur on your dogs back into the shape of a cock and balls. Yes, something had to be done about your dogs fur. Yes, you have done something about your dogs fur. Yes, people are now talking about it. So in a way, I like the fact that your dog has a problem with its fur. No, it is not there for a solution. And I should emphasize the fleas in this metaphor, do not represent asylum seekers. They do not represent

anything or anyone. If they do represent anything, it's people traffickers, but they don't represent anything or anyone if they do represent anything it's people traffickers but they don't represent anything anything. You know you said the Archbishop of Canterbury he said that the policies immoral and that it shames Britain but he also said that Prince Andrew was trying to make amends and we should be more open and forgiving with him so I'm sorry what the f*** is the church? Well so this is kind of where I'm at because the one of the things the Archbishop said was the plan is immoral and Ineffective and if it's immoral you don't have to bring up its efficacy, right?

Okay, we don't like the moral implications of this plan But if it was getting the job done we as a church do you have a history of looking the other way? play on player This flight was supposed to have 130 asylum seekers on board, but as I said, after legal challenges, that fell to a maximum of seven, and then after another legal challenge, it couldn't take off. You would be forgiven for thinking that this might suggest that the entire policy is an at best quarter-ast, half-digested carrot chunk chundered into the public domain

without adequate thought, consideration, or planning. Because that is exactly what it is at its very height. Obviously, my heart goes out to asylum seekers who are just being kind of shunted around the world cruelly by various international governments right now Boris Johnson, right? My heart also goes out to anyone else at that airport whose flight was delayed because of human rights interjection into the flight patterns. I've heard a lot of reasons for delays, but if I was on the tarmac, ready to travel for business or to visit family, I heard, sorry, we're delayed in a few minutes, we have a human rights violation ahead. I would just be like, I'm never

getting home, huh? In other Britain, contributing international law news, the European Union is taking legal action against the UK over its planned changes to the Northern Ireland protocol. The Post Brexit deal that keeps Northern Ireland in the EU single market and avoids the need for a hard border with a Republican violence by instead having a wet border somewhere in the sea between Great Britain and the island of Ireland, or maybe I think it might be a homeopathic border or just an imaginary border that exists only in the hearts of true Brexit areas, Brits. The UK government doesn't like the deal because it was cheekily hoodwinked into signing the original Post-Brexit deal by itself. And after various unsustainable clauses were sneaked into the deal by itself openly and in plain sight. So it's understandably

keen to renegotiate the deal and by renegotiate it was a renegotiate it with a shredder. It's again, I mean, we've touched on this on this show for what seems like the last six years that's, I mean, no one could possibly have foreseen that the United Kingdom had a land border with the European Union before we voted on this. This all kind of stems from that unexpected discovery. I don't know who made it or when, but really, I mean, this all stems from that, doesn't it? Yes, it all does it all stem from us forgetting to respect the Irish.

Surely not that one. What? We do things. No, it's all stems from the changes that the government wants to make to the protocol, which essentially would create a red and a green channel for goods across the Irish sea. So if it's going to go into the EU, they have to have a few more checks. And if it's going to stay in Northern Ireland, it can stay in the green channel. And the EU is obviously upset about this because this isn't what was agreed.

Although I don't know why they're kicking up such a fuss. If something comes into the EU that they don't like, there is plenty of room on a plane to Rwanda, and they can kick it back out again. But the whole reason, the excuse that they're using to change the protocol is the fact that the DUP are refusing to step into their roles as Deputy First Minister in Stormon because they have a power sharing agreement in Northern Ireland, which I think is fascinating and a really interesting idea. I would love to see what power sharing would look like in Parliament, if Kier Starmer

was instead of the opposition leader, the actual deputy prime minister. I'm in my head, it's sort of like the political equivalent of more common wise. You know what I mean? Like you just got the big floppy salient one and then the short, the short really serious one. Except every time Boris jiggles his glasses, the nearest woman gives birth to a baby.

I mean, essentially part of the problem is it's the DUP that's holding everything up in terms of moving forward with governance in Northern Ireland. They seem, they're clinging to the UK. That's, I mean, that's always been the position. The unions are clinging to, despite all signs pointing to, we over here aren't doing very well. I don't know what it is with Northern Ireland and sinking ships, but.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, that's a real burn. I mean, I'm gonna say years. And it was fine when it left you, I know. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, so why is the government, yeah, sort of indulging in all these, these, these battles? Well, as we reported last week, we are in the immediate aftermath of the no-confidence votes into Boris Johnson's leadership and

his law-breaking and his total lack of any kind of moral compass, or if he does have a moral compass, it points unearnily to magnetic me rather than north. The Conservatives said it's time to draw a line under it and they've not so much been drawing a line under it as scrolling over it in marker pen while shouting, I can't see anything on this bit of paper and then eating the bit of paper. There's various things that aside from Rwanda and Northern Ireland battle with the old foes, the EU that the government is doing to try and distract people's attention. And we have the cost of living crisis as well. The average cost of filling up a car last week smashed through the £100 barrier and to

put that in context, that's just the fuel tank of the car as well. Filling up the whole car with fuel, it's going to cost you even more than that. The cost of living crisis is a huge problem and actually we're doing our bit to help out our UK listeners with the cost of living crisis by matching the government for every piece of useful stuff that it does. We will match it with an equally useful piece of stuff. Here's our latest contribution to the cost of living crisis. If you play this week's episode of the Bugle Ple Tour Potato, it might bake itself. I think that keeps us going.

Nell Nell. Because we are hot. I just want to make, because the vote of no confidence, I don't like the name of that, because like, people, they're like, no confidence, Boris Johnson, and I'm like, relatable. Yeah, that's how I feel. No, I had no confidence.

They should call it a vote of God off because that's what you want, right? No confidence that yeah, of course every comedian would vote no confidence. Yeah, if anything, it's a vote of an excess of confidence. That's what it is. It's too much a vote of Boris. You've got too much confidence, my good man. Like I'm also announced plans that they Good man. The government also announced plans that they will help lower paid workers use housing benefits to buy homes at Michael Gove, God rest his mortal soul, said this would enable more people to, quote, fill an important desire of the human heart, a desire that has surely been made even more stronger and more lustful by the total f***ing failure of the government to have anything even slightly resembling a functioning

housing program for the last 12 years. Go for the Secretary of State for Furny Splodging, sorry, for levelling up I'm getting my completely meaningless words with that. Send that relaunching the right to buy scheme would also encourage more people to purchase their own property. Now this is a kind of reheated scheme that the authorities have intimately wheeled out. Critics have described it as a dangerous gimmick and told go to stop wasting time on the failed policies of the past. And that is to ask the conservatives to stop wasting time on the failed policies of the past is requiring

a fundamental overhaul of everything they stand for. So I think we need to, you know, set our targets a little more realistically. That's too much to ask. It shows that they're getting desperate, doesn't it, that they're going back to Margaret Thatcher and going, oh, yeah, let's see what she had to offer and bringing this back up again. I am reliably informed from a source that should not be named at Westminster that if this doesn't work, their next plan is to start bombing Argentina. I don't want to do international comparisons, but conservatives, like the failed policies of the past, that could just be the motto of American conservatives, right?

Every time they're like, the founding fathers said, and it's like, yeah, how's that working out for us right now? No. No. No. No. No. Animals news now, and will a landmark court ruling in New York has controversially declared that happy the elephant,

a long time resident of the Bronx Zoo, is not a person. George, this is surely a rocked America to its foundations. The idea that an elephant is not a person under U.S. law. I mean, how are you dealing with it? The fabric of reality for me personally has been torn and sunder. I will say right off the bat, the court that made this ruling, it's a New York state court, not a New York city court, but it does sound like something like a stereotypical New York city judge would say, like, look, bus to stop yanking my chain.

I don't care how big your friggin' packet arm is that doesn't can for a personhood upon it in a legal sense. Now get out of my courtroom and take your peanut shells with you. I'mma judecatein' over here. But that's not what it was. It's an official ruling. It stated that elephants aren't entitled to human liberties, right?

That freedom from imprisonmentment specifically in a zoo. Although they are quote, impressive. That was in the legal ruling, which does sound like one of those weird compliments that you give to someone that you're breaking up with or firing from a job like, look, I love you. I'm just not in love with you anymore, even though you're spectacular.

I don't know. Let's just stop having this conversation. The suit was based on the grounds that an elephant should qualify for a habeas corpus, right? And it's like, this is America. We barely extend rights to people here. And with your very rich element, you're going to face a terrible detention and imprisonment situation. And it's like, oh, you're from the Connecticut Dumbo's. My mistake, good sir, right this way. You're out on bail.

I was reading that the case was brought by the non-human rights projects, animal rights organization. And that happy has a one acre enclosure in the Bronx Zoo. Now this is New York we're talking about. Does that not make happy the elephant a day fact, oh billionaire? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I think, oh here's the thing though,

happy is renting. That's what you don't realize. Sure, it has a nice apartment, but it's like, is it rent stabilized? Do happy is parents pay for the apartment? Yeah, I think there's a lot to consider there. And also, I mean, it's habeas corpus that you mentioned, not against a legal detention.

Yeah, so it's centered on whether this principle should be extended to quotes emotionally complex and intelligent animals. Now, fucks like America, recent years approved, you don't even have to be an emotionally complex and intelligent animal to be president. So to be the resident of a zoo rather than the White House, I don't think you should make that much difference. But also, I mean, looking at it objectively, Josh, I mean, surely the elephant is one of the most American people in the animal kingdom. I mean, the elephant notoriously is unwilling and or unable to change.

The elephant, not generally aware of what's going on in the rest of the world, it has very good reason to fear guns after everything that's happened to them, but there's never actually come out and spoken against them. And it has famously a very long memory and a lot of America still hasn't got over 1865. So I think, you know, the elephant could be the most American animal that you've got.

I mean, that it does make a perfect emblem for the Republican party, which is why they've been using it for years, I think. That may have counted against it in the court decision. I think I think Happy needs to take matters into her own hands and maybe stampede the zookeepers' headquarters, claiming justice fraud. needs to take matters into her own hands and maybe stampede the zookeepers headquarters claiming justice fraud. I have the salute this court case for picking the most ironically named animal. It's rare that the flourishes around the margins of a legal proceeding are so beautifully deliciously apt for that proceeding.

Well, I mean, just a little more detail on, on, on a happy happy is a naturalized American having moved from her native Thailand as a one-year-old, Packidermlet, now aged 51. She's been resident in the Bronx since 1977 and does actually pop her trunk with a distinct New York twang. Also, big fan of the Yankees coffee brunch and avant-garde music. Tragically, however, and this is one of her lifelong regrets, she's never been in one of New York City's famous yellow taxis. And moved in 1977. There are some people that still wouldn't consider

happier real New Yorker yet, because she wasn't born here. You didn't mention that she arrived at Bronx Zoo in 77 with grumpy. Happy came with grumpy. Who was far more accepted by the New Yorkers. That's a fucking guy. Yeah, I think that's part, I think that's truly the reason behind this ruling is that they're still upset with happy because grumpy was fatally injured in a 2002 confrontation with two other elephants.

Who weirdly were not in the court case? I don't. Weirdly, we're not in the court case. I don't understand why, but only happy was in the court case. So I don't know if this is so much. I think what's really happening here is happy is the Karen of the elephant enclosure. And they're just trying to make peace and so. There's more to this story is what I'm saying. I think we need to dig deeper.

The other two elephants were mobbed up. So that's why there was no kind of court proceeding against them. A quick bit about that animal kingdom news. Monkeys are set up right in this week because apparently monkeypox is going to get a new name, according to the World Health Organization. Exciting news here in Britain as well because we have pulled away from the competition in the most cases of monkey box reported in Europe. It was pretty close a few weeks ago, but we've shown our British superiority by pulling clear of Spain and Germany in the year. We'll take a win

now, any win, any win we will take at the moment. Ria, you are, as discussed, a qualified virologist. What is the new name going to be and why are they changing it? Well, this is exciting for us here in the Virology community. We're excited. At the moment, the front runner is Lowercase H, Capital MP XV, which we're all super, super happy about how that flows off the tongue. We think that's really gonna speak to the people. Yeah, I don't know what they're doing. They're focusing on a rename and a rebrand because at the moment it's unfair to monkeys, I guess, because they don't, monkey monkeys are not thought

to be the sink of infection. We think that it's rodents. And so this is unfair to monkeys, but as we've just established in the happy court case, monkeys aren't people. Animals are not, you know, considered people, neither if we're gonna be honest about it or refugees, they are not people either.

So, we're rebranding it, because that of course will be the definitive way to scientifically stop the spread, is to change the name. So no longer will we have a monkey pox epidemic, we'll have a lowercase HPXV and no one wants to say that so they just won't talk about it. A little bit like COVID right now. They're looking for a name that's not stigmatizing, right? And I think if you're trying not to stigmatize, and then with a negative

feeling, monkey isn't the problem. It's pox. There's not a lot of positive poxes out there, right? When you say a pox upon your home, that's not something Hallmark puts on a housewarming guard. That's a curse, right? You gotta get pox out of there. But I will say, you don't wanna give monkey pox too nice a new name. You want a little stigma with it

because it should sound like something you don't want to get. Otherwise, people won't know it's dangerous. I wasn't worried about catching chillaxia, but apparently the side effects are really serious. What are the side effects of chillaxia? Let's dig in. It's like chronic fatigue syndrome, but more chill. Is it? Okay, it's not just what you get if you smoke too much pot. I mean, I think we're talking six and one half dozen or the other.

Uh, of course human history has been significantly shaped by, by other poxies. And amongst the less well-known ones, actually, Leo Tolstoy, Alexander Solzenitsyn and a fear-dostursky, all rumoured to have died from another particularly severe strain, Russian orthopox. Oh! Oh! I'm here all week. Beautiful.

Well, Bugler's that brings us to the end of this episode of the bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Anything to plug? Yes, I have a new stand-up special that's out on all the VOD place. I think it's worldwide depending on what platforms you're using. So Apple TV and YouTube and Amazon for Rent and Purchase on. It's called People Pleaser and it's available on Tuesday, June 21st, and then ongoingly from there, it doesn't disappear in the 22nd. For the rest of all eternity, you could watch and listen to Josh. That's amazing. I like that. You should call it habeas corpus, please. I do let the audience leave if they feel like they're being fairly detained, so that's a good

bit. That's amazing. The fact that you're performing to an acre of people. I do let the audience leave if they feel like they're being fairly detained, so that's a good thing. That's amazing. The fact that you're performing to an acre of people is you're not the best one. I mean, look me up online, find me on social, Reelina underscore on most of them would be great. I'm also in a show called Love Star Kai, which is totally not probably what this audience is interested in.

It's one of those reality dating shows, but if you even just set it to run on Amazon Prime and it looks like you've watched it, we have a better shot at a second season and I have a really big tax bill I need to pay. So if anyone's at all interested in that, that would be great. Otherwise, just find me and say hi on socials.

That'd be great. You can mostly listen to me talking about cricket for the next couple of months. So we will now play you out with some lies about our premium level bugle voluntary subscribers, the last few. From the backlog, the lies offer has now closed. The wall of fame, or is it shame or fame, Chris?

It's one of the two. Officially fame, I guess, let's see what comes out of it. For bugle volunteer subscribers is now taking contributions and we will start unleashing it on the show over the next few weeks. So if you do want to join the bugle volunteer subscription scheme to give a one off or recurring contribution of whatever size you want to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to thebegalpodcast.com and click the donate button. Here are some of the last lies you will ever hear. Heath Killgord does not believe you should ever put something in a fridge that has not previously

already been cold. Heath explains, fridge is an abbreviation for refrigerator, with the emphasis in my book if no one else is on the RE. It's not a frigerator, is it? It's a re-frigerator. People keep saying how the meaning of words is being devalued these days, continue to teeth, but I'm willing to bet these linguistic winters don't bother to make sure that everything they put in their refrigerator has once been cold, before becoming not cold, before they attempt to re-frigerate it. Heath adds to his conclusion, no wonder the planet's on the road to ruin.

Nadeekar de Seram thinks it was just pure luck that the Romans chance upon the tortoise formation that was used to such good military effect on the battlefield as they conquered much of the world. Arak and they were just looking around for any animal to steal ideas from when they realised humans are pretty rubbishly designed for most things involving physical danger, explains Nadeika. It's lucky that the first thing they saw was not a badger, or they'd have spent all their time during battles, digging holes, going to sleep, and being run over by passing cars.

Doug Fingless is thinking about inventing a new system for categorising awkward silences. There are at least 12 levels of awkwardness, according to me, says Doug, ranging from slight misunderstanding right through to harrowing realisation of an unbridible catam of the soul. I personally have detected 5 degrees of silence, frostiness as well, then you've got to factor in duration from momentary to lifelong grudge. Me explaining this to my friend, for example, resulted in an F3 stroke 1520, but then we were watching a play at the time in a theatre which might have skewed a categorisation algorithm somewhat. And finally, Crystal Why has always misunderstood the phrase back to the drawing board, having once read the bored bit of the phrase,

mistranscribed as bored B-O-R-E-D when watching a film with subtitles. I assumed it meant that, in the old pre-photography days of policing, says Crystal, that when an investigation was going nowhere, they would have to take another look at the original pencil drawing of the crime scene, to see if they'd missed anything by which time they would, presumably, be finding the whole investigation rather tedious. Here endeth this week's lies, goodbye. tedious. Here end of this week's lies goodbye.