The Bugle - News from Space: It's Boring

Episode Date: April 27, 2024

Are we paying full attention to the apocalypse? Horses rampaging through the streets, chocolate dying off, cicadas, messages from space - pay attention sheeple!Andy Zaltzman is with Ian Smith and Anuvab Pal.Send thoughts and questions for Andy at [e-mail]. Click follow to make sure you get every episode and please drop us a nice review or rating wherever you choose.This episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalIan SmithAnd producer by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, good whatever time of day it is whenever you're listening to this. I'm Andy Zaltzman coming to you not live and in zero dimensions from the shed of unfathomable factivitiveness in South London. For this issue 4301 of The Bugle recently voted one of the top billion audio cultural highlights of the third millennium so far and judging by the press over the last couple of weeks somewhere in the region of 993 million of them have been Taylor Swift songs so we've done quite well to get into the rest of that list and today I'm joined not only by producer Chris, but joining us from the currently democracy

slathered nation of India, it's Anuvabh Pal, and from the about to dip its toe reluctantly into the puddle of local democracy city of London, Ian Smith. Welcome both of you back to the bugle. How's election fever treating you both? Well, Andy, you know, you'd appreciate this, and I'm doing this as a stunt just for you Andy. OK. About an hour ago I voted in the Indian elections, the voting booth in Mumbai is at the Royal

Opera House, a British institution. I don't know what that says about the democracy because they have picked one of the last Victorian relics in Mumbai to have voting and I have requested a room with Wi-Fi to stay back to do the bugle so this recording is courtesy of the Election Commission of India. is courtesy of the Election Commission of India. Well, can everyone do that? If all one billion voters demanded a room with Wi-Fi to record a podcast, presumably they'd have to do that now. They'd have to give everyone one.

And, you know, I thought you'd appreciate this, because you like perky things. There is only one room that has wi-fi in an entire voting which is equally concerning for the world's largest democracy. Ian have you voted in the Indian election yet? Yes I have and if anything that shows that there is wide-scale corruption going on. I'm glad. It shouldn't have been that easy for me to participate. I don't know who's running. I just ticked a random box. I don't think I ticked a name either. But yeah, well, fingers crossed. I think that's one of the electoral symbols isn't it? Cross fingers.

I think I've got an outside chance. To be honest, I'd love to see you as Prime Minister of India Ian. I think that would make the world a happier place. I'd love to see the moment it was announced. And you just see me going, oh God. I feel a bit out of my depth here. Well, you know, you wouldn't be the first Prime Minister coming to office to look like they felt a bit out of their tech, to be honest. I mean, gentlemen, I know that there is much mirth in this discussion, but I have to say that Ian Smith against Prime Minister Modi has added as good a chance as the rival Congress Party of India.

So basically second equal. Yeah. I don't think we needed an Ian Smith running an ex-colony again. There's um you may know a comedian Tad Tadua Malungge, and he started doing material about how there was a man called Ian Smith who runs Zimbabwe and was a very evil man, and he's talking a bit about that. But he's done that at gigs where I'm comparing, and then I have to go on immediately after him and go, right, it's

not me. Well, I've never found myself in that situation to be honest. The only other Andy Zoltzman I've come across after an extensive internet search was a guy who swam in the Maccabee Games of 1981. So an American called Andy Saltzman. Now, I mean, I can barely swim at all, so I was quite excited to find that it's not just due to my name. We are recording on the 26th of April, 2024. On this day in 1564, just 460 short years ago, celebrity playwright William Shakespeare was baptized in Stratford upon Avon, although more accurately given the information available at the time, baby William Shakespeare

was baptized. He wasn't yet a celebrity playwright, but he did soon become a celebrated writer. In fact, less than a year later, the infant Shakespeare wrote what is now considered his first masterwork, a recently discovered poem. And as you will hear, the baby shaky certainly observed the first rule of writing, writes about what you know. This is considered to be his first complete work written at about the age of nine months. Bring forth unto my lips, unto my quivered maw, The once-twice-thrice-bidden teat, Where from life's sweetest nectar springs To quell the raging of these raven-guts,

This hungry soul, and ye shall end the wails That rend this air as quiet, and then again I slake the anguished longing of this part's despairing throat, And toothless, voiceless, helpless, clasp unto this breastial flesh, And swift engurgitate the nurture from within. And then, when all is done, when sated into slumber droop these eyes as off the heron barks upon the shore I shall uncork the burdens of my soul to fill once more the swadd beneath my core." So really pretty pretty impressive stuff

from the baby Shakespeare about needing a feed and a shit. I knew I recognized you as the voice of the audiobooks for Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah but that was that was that's not the Fifty Shades of Grey the novel that's that's my new range of hair colourings that's coming out. I'm also very concerned that just then you transformed into my 12th grade Anglo-Indian English teacher Mr. Wheatley doing his version of Merchant of Venice. There are so many shades of Andy's Oltzman. Yeah, one day I'll do a show called that She'll disappoint everyone on an almost infinite number of levels

on this day in 1865 bad day for a renowned Shakespearean actor John Wilkes Booth It was one of the leading Shakespearean actors of his time in America But who did prove the theory that no matter how good you are at your main job in America but who did prove the theory that no matter how good you are at your main job, no matter how many absolutely top-notch reviews you get, if you assassinate a six foot five inch tall president people will mostly focus on that when they look back at your life and career and also it's a happy 1903rd birthday to former professional Emperor Marcus Aurelius the pin-up boy of Roman stoicism who died in the year 180. But to be fair to him, as you'd expect, hasn't complained about it

in public since. He just took it, he accepted it, and he moved on with his lack of life in the proper stoic manner. Anyway, he was born on this day in 121. As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin. Well, we hear a lot about home improvements, but do you really want to improve your home? We live far too insular and sedentary lifestyles. So a new trend sweeping the world is, sweeping the world is home impairments to make your home much less nice to spend time in, to encourage you to get out more and enjoy life as it should be lived. And we have The Bugle homement section for you this week, telling you how

to achieve a termite infestation in your sofa, the best way to position mirrors to make sure that when you're watching television the sunlight glares in your eyes no matter what angle you tilt your head at. Do you have a problem with wet rot? Good, we'll tell you how to make sure it spreads to all rooms in your home, how to corrode your water pipes quickly and humanely, how to de-seal your windows to make sure more of that precious dampness dribbles into your plaster work, and of course the best time to pour a cup of tea down the back of a cupboard. And we review the latest new home impairments tech accessories, hyper-allergenic carpets, rather than stopping you be allergic

things, it's encouraging you to be allergic to things, guaranteed to make you sneeze and go outside for a walk, the Eraticorp Capriccio shower, a shower that randomly varies between icy cold, scaldingly hot, a power jet hyperblast and barely wetting dribble and the Iratech Bluetooth Permis speaker, a wireless speaker that you can't switch off that links up with all your social media accounts to play music that you certainly will not like and to tune into talk radio stations with political standpoints you are diametrically opposed to. Plus the snooze rumbler slope bed which begins the night level but gradually over the course of five or six hours tilts slightly to one side so you'll find yourself sliding

annoyingly out of bed in a gradual manner so it annoys you for a long time before you actually do anything about it. All of these will make your home less nice to live in and make your life considerably better. That section in the bin. I'm a little concerned Andy that sounded like a list of Chris's last 10 Christmas presents. Yeah well that's why Chris does so many triathlons. It's not to keep fit, it's not to see the world, it's just to spend less time in his house. Just makes for some awkward re-gifting, that's all. I think I'd be more inclined to watch DIY SOS if what they did is they went to someone's house, they told them how much of a hard time they were having and then they just knocked

their staircase out and just left. Yeah, it's a new frontier in television. Top story this week, Apocalypse Now! Well, Apocalypse Now is not just the title of one of the late 1970s most unsettling travel documentaries with some of the weirdest breakfast recipes, napalm and an omelette. Just remember, things don't always taste as good as they smell. Nor is it just the name of the best-selling end-of-the-world themed teen magazine of the 1980s, which is full of lifestyle and fashion tips on how to get through the annihilation of everything, looking trendy and ready to fall in love. But also, Apocalypse Now has questioned people around the the world have been asking in earnest this week so this could in fact

as we record be the last 26th of April of all time so could be a really historic 26th of April on those grounds because the signs are that this rickety old planet of ours is revving itself up for some pretty hefty Armagedonical end-timey cataclysmagorical apocalyptic in the very near future. And if we needed any further proof, it came in London this week as blood-soaked horses rampaged through the streets of our city. Ian, I mean that's our apocalypse right there, isn't it?

But blood-soaked horses rampaging through London? Yeah I mean horses rampaging is bad but the addition of blood-soaked has really really made this hit home but this is just this is Sadiq Khan's London. Yeah. Susan Hall's right there are no go areas in London because you cannot move for horses because he's tried to implement zero emissions to such a degree that he won't allow cars anymore. Right. Yeah these horses were on a rampage and they were moving very fast roughly one horsepower each behind them. And one of them crashed into a parked double decker tour bus and I really like the idea that the person doing the tour announcements has had to

improvise with that event happening. Just going on your left hand side there's Nelson's Column. Oh on your right hand side there's a horse's head through the windshield now. But yeah, my favourite quote from all of this was reading the Guardian article and it said, a number of personnel and horses have been injured and are receiving the appropriate treatment. The word appropriate seems redundant there. It seems to imply that sometimes, or there's an option that they may have received the inappropriate medical treatment. In some articles they'll go, well he had a serious concussion and we've amputated both his legs and that man has received the inappropriate medical treatment for the situation. I mean it was terrifying, Annivab, seeing this unfold on television,

a trial of destruction and perturbed cyclists as these horses which were apparently spooked whilst gearing up for some sort of procession in the Buckingham Palace area. And two of them ran almost six miles from near Buckingham Palace all the way to the to the east and obviously we wish we wish all horses in the past present and future well and our thoughts go out to the entire horse community but I mean I you probably would quite please not to be in London during this absolutely terrifying incident. It's a good point, Andy. You know, I mean, I'm used to seeing quite a few domestic and wild animals on the urban streets of India.

So there isn't that element of surprise. You know, there's often a horse in the wild in my neighborhood, right next to Starbucks. So that allows for a nice conflict of civilizations, if you will. But honestly, what I really miss about London, gentlemen, is there aren't enough wild horses. As you know, I'm a big fan of medieval Britain. I'm a big fan of Victorian Britain.

And I think two or three things that you could bring back to London that's really missing, and maybe whoever is the mayor can do this more wild horses beheadings I don't know why you guys stopped that throwing feces in buckets out of windows that was very big in Shakespearean times I don't know why that's what made him what he was yeah and no indoor plumbing I believe that some modern London apartments, tiny apartments have gone back to those days where there isn't any indoor plumbing. But I really want to make an appeal for bring Victorian London back in whatever way possible. I mean I think that's pretty much what the Brexit

campaign was based on. So it might get some support. I mean, just reading the headlines in the newspapers, get out of my neigh, dishorster on the streets of London, nags away, harried horsetines, escape as colts bolt, hoof the f*** was that? And things are gelding out of control. The more broad sheet headlines,

London under quadrupedal hoofed attackers, horses seek revenge for thousands of years of human subjugation. Spokeshorse claims this is the start of something big. Financial Times, FTSE wobbles as prospect of equine control of London's spooks markets, shares down by 0.0003% during five minutes of panic. And the Telegraph, well as you were suggesting Ian, Labour Mayor Sadiq Khan unleashes plague of communist horses on London. So yeah I mean, it was very, very concerning indeed.

I mean, a couple of the horses have been quite seriously injured. One horse called Vida could be ruled out of ceremonial horsing for some time, possibly even have to retire from being a ceremonial horse and have to make a living as a celebrity horse, maybe going to reality television, uh, might make celebrity master chef a bit more exciting if one of the celebs is a horse, especially if one of the other celebs is French, uh, before, uh, eventually moving onto the, uh, after dinner name circuit. But apparently, it all started when the horses were spooked by something, possibly a loud noise from a building site.

Possibly they saw a copy of Liz Truss's book in a shop window, maybe they just realised the tragic nature of being a horse in a human world, destined forever to live without true free will, maybe it was a belated realisation that Brexit would never be what they dreamed it would be as horses, or maybe they just suddenly reflected on the general estate of the planet and the growing sensation that humanity has willfully pissed away, not only its best years, but also the future of the natural world so I mean who knows what sparked this horse rampage off but I hope that it's it's not going to lead to you know a daily rampage of feral horses through the streets of our fair city. Ian have you ever ridden a horse? No but I've ridden in a sort of old

yield wooden cart being pulled by a horse. So I was in a BBC adaptation of Noah's Ark and I had to play someone who was like comfortable around horses not someone who is visibly on camera scared of horses. I don't think I pulled that off. But the horse just kind of bolted. So I was just holding on to a wooden cart to see where the horse would take me. And then the guy in charge of the horse has kind of caught it. And I was like saying,

I'm going to get off the cart and he was just laughing going, oh no, come on. I was like like the horse nearly ran away and he just keeps laughing at me and I think it was the only my deaverish moment in in TV when I told this man really prophetically stop laughing at me I'm scared of the horse which is not the highlight of my career. I think Ian has a very good point and I just want to lodge a general complaint here Which I've wanted to do for years on the mugal about Celebrity animal trainers, right? I just want to point out that there are a bunch of bastards. Okay. Yeah

primarily because you know I was once on a set for a thing I had written and there's a lion on set and I was once on a set for a thing I had written and there's a lion on set and the only person who has the information To whether the lion is going to bite your head off is the animal trainer, right? He is not someone who should have a sense of humor That's not someone who should be witty and this guy exactly what happened to Ian every five minutes kept saying oh he doesn't do anything He doesn't do anything wink. I Mean this is a giant man-eating beast I don't want jokes here there's some places jokes are not necessary but you just say you you'd written you'd written

that script I had written a script which featured a lion which was then acquired maybe next time right about a gerbil or a hamster instead and you'll avoid that difficulty. But I'll tell you what Andy, that gerbil trainer will be a bastard. So as well as a plague of horses, other plagues are sweeping the world as the apocalypse comes closer, including a new virus spread by a naughty little insect called a mealybug, which could result in the end of all chocolates, unless it doesn't, which it probably won't. But what if it does? As John Lennon famously sang, imagine there's no chocolate. Now Ian, you are, of course, the bugle's confectionary

correspondent. How will our once great chocolate addicted species cope if these insects steal our one remaining source of joy and solace from our weeping mouths? Well exactly, I mean I don't think we will. I personally would be quite happy to just call it a day if chocolate's not around. I feel more worried about this than I did COVID and I've had COVID. But this is apparently a disease ravaging trees called swollen shoot virus, which I believe can transfer to humans. I think I've had that before and it's very painful. Yeah, I think Lord Byron had it after a brief and intense dalliance with a Venetian ballerina, I think.

But it is worrying, and so a lot of, it says here that Ghana's lost more than 254 million cacao trees in recent years, so I think we need to start getting rid of some of the less popular chocolate, and I think it's about time we got rid of the coffee revel once and for all. Just to save a bit of the resources. I'm in complete agreement with Ian. Chocolates have had it too good for too long and I think someone's got to now have a word with chocolates and I think this virus comes at a good time because throughout human history no one, not one French emperor, no one in the Mughal Empire sat down and said what the hell is going on with chocolate?

It allowed the hipster generation to happen, it allowed films to be made, whole literature around chocolates, not one person was a conscientious objector everything has had objectors you know India had Gandhi the French had the French Revolution where is where is the Lenin for chocolates yeah the time is now I mean to describe the French Revolution as objectors or indeed Gandhi's I mean that's that's downplaying things somewhat a little bit of an objection going on as the guillotine sweeps down. Heat waves have apparently made the situation worse because the mealybugs they are in the

sun bit of the like it hot Venn Venn diagram. And of course, in heatwaves, the chocolate melts on the trees, which makes it harder to harvest as well. It's unclear what the motivation of the mealybugs is, why they're taking aim at one of humanity's most beloved snack stuffs, but rumours suggest they are bored with nothing to do apart from infect cacao trees and held back by a lack of hope and aspiration that possess so many insect species these days. So, I don't know what can be done Ian, I mean do you have a do you have a plan for the global, other than sort of getting rid of the sort of less good quality

snacks that you don't personally like? Well, what are you going to do to save the global chocolate industry? Well, I think we do. We probably need to market vegetables so that they're more fun, so that demand goes down a little bit. Okay. So I think, I think Kinder eggs should be swapped with, it's like a toy just wrapped in a lettuce leaf as ways as ways to make vegetables some more fun is yeah basically put toys in vegetables is my answer.

Oh right okay yeah well I can see that I can see that working like a courgette with a little car in it. Hmm. Yeah right we're making a better world. In other plague news South, one of the best known Carolinas in the USA, has been beset by a biblical plague of horny cicadas. Trillions of the frankly f***ing revolting looking bugs have been popping out. And the boy cicadas immediately, on emerging from years underground they set

about finding a mate by making as much noise as possible they truly are biological soul mates. Amongst the quite literally and metaphorically and above all numerically thousands of different species of cicadas around the universe most most of which live here on earth of course only ten species are considered periodical in other words they have a life cycle that involves the young cicadas living underground for years never going out before emerging on mass and causing havoc which is basically what much of human life has has become and what's happening this year is that two broods

with different dormancy periods are emerging at the same time for the first time since 1803. Brood 13, one of the classic classic broods, they have a 13 year dormancy, sorry, since Brood 19 has a 13 year dormancy period, waiting till they hear what's happened to America since 2011. And Brood 13, ironically, 17 years, they don't even know the bugle exists yet. What a surprise they're about to get. I think they're the last brood unaware of the existence of the bugle podcast. But these two broods haven't been out in the same year since 1803, the year of the Louisiana Purchase when France tricked America into buying

a load of what they assumed was dud land because it has trillions of cicadas all over it at the time. So, I mean, it's these things are well, I mean, clearly they're horny. They spent years and years underground and they come out, they've got about four to six weeks to get shit done and don't get shit done. Just going to say I visited South Carolina only once. It happened during the spring break season and I heard very similar noises from college students who I don't know how long they've been underground but they emitted similar kinds of noises. Ian are you concerned about these horny cicadas you know spreading from America where

they belong to the rest of the world and I mean even London after the horse incident this week who knows where it could end. I get my my main sort of gripe with this story is I've sort of I felt a bit sad that I'm not a sort of year old 70s style male comedian right because I was reading the article and a lot of the jokes I could think of it seemed like they would come from, like I was reading that the noise they make can be as loud as jet engines and scientists who study them often have to wear earmuffs to protect their hearing and I feel like a 70s comedian would have fun with that of just being like, sounds like the wife, loud as

a jet engine, got to wear earmuffs when you're listening to her, we've all been there. But yeah, it's just a shame, a shame that those comedians have been driven into the ground by society progressing. I mean there's so much in the world we could end with thank you Brussels with. In other apocalypse coming news, well I mean often one of the most common signs of the apocalypse is things speaking in tongues or people speaking in tongues speaking incomprehensibly but could it work the other way around because a spacecraft that has been talking absolute gibberish at us from

15 billion miles away has suddenly apparently started making sense again and if this does not signify that it's trying to warn us that the end of the world is coming our way then I don't know what is I mean this this complacent spaceship 47 years ago was launched from Earth It's 15 billion miles away. It's been, I mean, it's what, 30 odd years past its best when it last saw a half-decent planet. It's been an absolutely f***ing cool, frankly, apart from floating into the infinite void of space. Suddenly, it gets back in touch with us. Clearly, it's run a warning that there's some sort of platoon, some fleet of alien spaceships heading our way to bring about the end the end of our species

I think I think we should all be shitting ourselves frankly I Just find it annoying that they've been able to fix something That's like 15 billion miles away because my letting agent can't fix my boiler As far as I'm aware that's not a trans-Neptunian object. Right, but maybe he's too close, your letting agent. If the boiler was 15 billion miles away, it might be easier. So I should attach some rockets to it and try and get it out into space? Yeah. Okay, right, I'll be back in a bit. I mean, personally, I mean, like I said, it's made me feel inadequate.

We have a light in our living room that has a faulty switch and all we need to do is replace the switch and it will be fine. It's feet away from where daily we sit on the sofa and I reckon it's at least 12 years that this switch has been faulty and we haven't fixed it. And you know, if I can't get the Bluetooth on my Bluetooth headphones working within a minute, I just give up and start singing the songs myself. And yet NASA, in just a few weeks, have fixed tech that is not only 15 billion miles away,

but tech that is basically nearly 50 years old, as well. I mean this is really this is really making me feel like I have not embraced modernity as I will admit NASA you're better at tech stuff than I am I'm gonna just lay that out there. Can I just say I found the story very relatable you know it just because I think it's very much like my comedy career. Just asleep for about 30 years. Some gibberish insight for about a year's touring and then asleep for another 30. So I think, I think I, if anything, this was a resume builder for me. I said, oh

this is sort of how my career is shaped as well. I always like the rooms with all the sort of the experts in with space stuff like when when a mission succeeds or something lands and they all sort of get up in there they're punching the air because it looks like people celebrating a sports event but they look like the sort of people who would not have any interest in sports whatsoever. It looks like a stag do made up entirely of the one person on the stag do who doesn't like football and is trying to pretend he does to bond with all the other people. I'm pretty sure that is what NASA is essentially. I think that's why it was set up originally. Well I was going to say that it's a long way, 15 billion

miles away, it can seem quite hard to understand so I'm going to say that it's a long way, 15 billion miles away, can seem quite hard to understand, so I'm going to put it in terms that normal people should be able to understand, but maybe not with the work for NASA. That is almost a quarter of a trillion football pitch lengths away, or the same distance as unicycling 600,000 times around the equator, or running 500 million marathons dressed as a dinosaur. It's also the estimated distance between Donald Trump and reality currently. So that's 15 billion miles and yet they've still managed to make it talk. This is an amazing achievement, isn't it, technologically? It's just a line that it's in an area of space where there isn't anything,

to mind that it's in an area of space where there isn't anything so they've they've got it to talk and all it's gonna say is yep nothing to report bored get back to you in about 20 years yeah I mean that's exactly that's the thing about NASA job profiles that fascinate me I love watching NASA documentaries because they always interview this guy and yes they ask him about NASA job profiles that fascinate me. I love watching NASA documentaries because they always interview this guy and they ask him what's your job profile and his job is just to stare at the third moon of Saturn and the lake next to it. For years and nothing happens you got to think to yourself at some point he's gonna turn Buddhist or shoot himself. I mean how long can you stare at Titan, one of the moons of Saturn, hoping

some shit goes down. Yeah I mean it would have been nice if if Voyager had got back in touch and just said I've just passed an old-looking guy with a great big white beard looking very cross. I think that would have... that might help the world actually. Get that kind of message coming through. Wasn't there some story last week about how space is just full of junk now? There's a lot of 60s stuff from just the things banging into things because it just looks like the back lot of an Aster. Loads of crappy metal just piled up and things. You know, it's like driving just to the outskirts of Mumbai,

where it just looks like hell on earth, just burnt cars, that kind of thing. Yeah, I mean that's what space has become really, and you know, it shows that you've got to get 15 billion miles away to escape humanity. miles away to escape humanity. Venice has started charging people a fee to go in, apparently it's the first scheme of its type, charging people 5 euros just to go into the city, unless they're staying there overnight, in which case you need a QR code proving your exemption the result of this total chaos It's it's split opinion this scheme Venice

Struggles with the sheer weight of tourism which is his own fault for being such a magically beautiful place And it really should have thought of that before it designed itself But it's a slightly curious Means of stopping Venice seem like just a tourist attraction by charging people to enter it as if it is just a tourist attraction. I don't entirely follow the logic of that. You don't have to pay, as I said, if you stay overnight in Venice. So again, it's an attempt to stop Venice becoming populated exclusively by tourists, by encouraging

tourists to stay in Venice. So there's a few kind of logical issues with that. Five euros though, I mean it does seem like a bargain. Venice is f***ing amazing. I mean, that's also not to say that the Bugle live shows in London won't be good value at around, what, three or four times that price. It merely encourages us for those shows on the 2nd and 8th of June at the Leicester Square Theatre, tickets available online.

It just encourages us to make sure the quality of those shows is so high that it feels worth a four-day holiday in Venice. So Ian, what do you make of this? I mean you you're from, you grew up in Goul in in Humburside. Do you think, what sort of level do you think the Goul should set to charge people to go in as tourists? Oh, well I mean yeah I don't want to be too hard on GOOL but I think if we did a five pound entry fee it would be a ghost town. I don't think anyone, I think it would just be bypassed completely, motorways kind of redirected around it just like where have these guys got this

arrogance from? Yeah it does feel weird like five pound is I don't think is a deterrent because if you can afford like 400 pounds like hotels or flights or a cruise and if someone then says oh it's an additional five pounds to go to Venice I can't imagine anyone going oh well this is just outrageous now everything is adding up this is just getting this is untenable we'll cancel the holiday and then being told well you only get half of the fee back if you cancel it I'm not gonna pay five pounds extra yeah it just it just doesn't seem like enough money and yeah the idea that like then people just think oh well

if it's five pounds to visit for the day let's let's go for three days where they don't charge you and you can stay over But yeah I guess people have said that it's sort of turning them into a theme park but the people behind the decision have said that the big wacky slide that goes directly into water is just a coincidence because a lot of locals have been asking why there's a helter-skelter slide coming out of St. Mark's Basilica. But they've said it's just part of the architects original design plans. Yeah, that's fair. But yeah some of the the residents are very angry there's been local meetings and protests and just to sort of hammer that home that's a local meeting of angry

Italians so some of the hand gestures going on I was told the slide was built by Cosimo de Medici can I just say gentlemen I think every city needs to have a fee there should be fees that you should pay a beautiful city to visit and there should be fees a city should pay for you to visit if it's a shithole. So what are you wanting from Dubai Anubhav? At least a hundred dirhams and my clothes. I'll give you an example, city of Agra has the Taj Mahal, beautiful city in India. If you want to see the Taj Mahal should you pay a hundred rupees extra? Maybe. I mean they already fleece you enough but why not a

little more. The city of Kanpur in India, most polluted city in India, they should pay a thousand rupees for you to visit. And I think every city should have some economic fee associated with its aesthetic beauty and history. I think London must be quite highly regarded judging by how much I'm paying to live here. In other travel news if you can call it travel news the UK has been condemned by the Council of Europe's human rights organization over the passing of the Rwanda bill which has finally got through Parliament. This, with an election looming, is being seen as a triumph for Rishi Sunak that he's managed to force

through a scheme that has made Britain a global laughing stock that won't deal with the problem it's pretending to deal with and that manages to pull off the rare political decathlon of being deranged, ineffective, incompetent, expensive, inhumane, illegal, illogical, embarrassing and unpopular. So quite how and why the government expects it to make them seem more popular and less incompetent. That remains shrouded in the kind of fugged mystery that 2020 politics seems to specialise in. It was discussed on Question Time last night and Chris Philp, government minister, seemed a little unsure during the debates on Rwanda whether Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo are different countries or the same country. as a nation. This is what we've... I mean, it does mean that, you know, maybe it's open to all of us to become cabinetmen. In fact, I've got a Could You Be a British Cabinet Minister quiz, which you bugle listeners can do now. I'm going to ask you these questions and just answer from the multiple choice options.

Are Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo different countries? A. Yes. B. No. C. Not sure. D. Too early to say. Or E. Yes, but they're basically the same aren't they? I mean, they're miles away and I think they're both in Africa. Question two. Will sending potentially up to eight or ten asylum seekers to Rwanda lead to vastly improved public services across the United Kingdom? A. Obviously not. Don't be fucking ridiculous. B. Yeah, probably. Or C. Not only that, it will also lead to a golden age of British greatness, and pretty much every single country in the world applying to join and or rejoin the new relaunched and revamped British Empire. And question three. This is the scenario. Brian owns a car, the car has a flat tire, but Brian needs to drive to the golf club.

So Brian dresses up in a pagan outfit, fills the car with straw, sets it on fire, sacrifices it and dances around it as it burns, chanting strange incantations to a mythic god he doesn't really believe in. Has Brian adequately dealt with the issue of the flat tire? A. No. Clearly he hasn't. B. Yes he has. There was a problem. Something had to be done. He did something. No one else came up with a better idea. Problem solved. Now as long as you didn't answer A to any of those questions, then yes, you could be a British cabinet minister. So this is the exciting thing with having politicians like this humiliating themselves on national television. It shows what is possible for all of us.

Ian, I mean with the election coming up, obviously everyone's very excited about it. Do you think this is going to shift the dial at all? Will there be now maybe two or three people who might vote conservative at the election? Yeah, well it will take... I mean at the minute it feels like everyone thinks it's a stupid idea and doesn't want it to happen. But I think if they can get some people central around everyone will think it's a stupid idea and didn't want it to happen. But I reckon two or three people will admire the persistence. Because it looked like it because it looked like it wouldn't happen, it looked like it shouldn't happen, it looked like it was illegal and humane at some points and after that sort

of setback a lot of people would stop doing something but they've persevered and it was very admirable. There was a home office minister who said that there were people determined to do whatever it takes to try and stop this policy from working. But that's just because it is a bad policy. It's bad and there's lots of legal arguments against it. And I don't think I made a very good analogy. I think I was quite tired when I wrote this analogy

but I've written here it's like having made a car entirely out of marshmallows and then when someone points out there's nowhere to put the petrol you saying it's like you're determined for me not to drive this marshmallow car I think that's entirely valid brilliant, put it in accessible terms so everyone can understand. But as you say, you've got to admire the persistence.

It's like Aristotle famously said, if you keep putting your penis on the same barbecue, eventually someone is going to think it's a sausage. So you've just got to have that faith, that persistence to go through with what you believe in. This is why it's so important, Andy Andy to have a classical scholar in this podcast. Absolutely. It's just it's needed. Just very quickly I just want to say you know I know they decided on Rwanda as the country but going forward could they keep it quite flexible? I saw a travel airline in the UK called TUI and they had an offer where you get on the plane and you buy a ticket and

they fly in the middle of the night and they take you to a mystery destination and you land and you find out you're in Anatolia, Turkey and that's your holiday. I mean given it's pretty cruel as an idea what they're doing with Rwanda anyway, could they make it even more cruel and just have the plane land up in any country and then have that country deal with the legal ramifications even if it's not legal anywhere? To be honest i think that's a dangerous thing to say out loud and you just don't know you never as they used to put on those

posters in the second world war you never know who's listening and it's possible that Chris Philp is listening to this and this could would make its way into public policy. Well, I think it's time to wrap up this bugle now because we all have to go and make our final preparations for the end of the world. We were going to do a quick update on the Indian election, but since it's going on for so many weeks, Anu Vap, I think we can get you back on again before the election is completed to talk us through it and the various not entirely sensible things that Narendra Modi has been saying. So that brings us to an end, don't forget to buy your

tickets for those two Bugle live shows in London on the 7th and 8th of June. Are there any tickets left Chris? There are four very limited seats in the corner of the Saturday and about 20 or 30 for the other date. Alright okay well well if you're so disappointed that you can't go to the Bugle live shows in June never fear because from the start of November I will be on tour for quite a long time. The dates will be confirmed and announced by the end of May. I've been reliably informed. There are a lot of dates around the UK, some in Europe, well other parts of Europe,

clearly the UK is in Europe. I am, as I've said before, I'm from Europe. I grew up in Tunbridge Wells, which is a lovely European town about 900 miles north of Barcelona Anyway, that's all I will full information world exclusive Reveal I will have a special reveal show of the tour dates on the bugle in a few weeks time Ian anything to plug? Yeah on Tuesday the 4th of June I am filming my Edinburgh show with another very funny comic Stuart Laws at the Pleasance Theatre in London.

So it would be great if anyone could come to that because it will be the one that remains online forever. So if it could be a nice one with nice people that would be very good. So yeah, you can get tickets to that on the Pleasance website. And where are your New Zealand shows? Oh and the New Zealand gigs are on at The Classic in Auckland and I'll be doing 10 solo show dates there and various other things so yeah if there's any New Zealand buglers I'd love to see you there.

There are quite a lot of New Zealand buglers I think from, from, though I've not been there for a few years, so, and the classics are a lovely venue, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Um, Anubhav, plug away. Yeah, I'm going to be on a short tour of the UK, 17 towns, promoting Britishness. As you know, Andy, I feel like the time has come for a middle-aged Indian person to look at the glories of Britishness because you guys are not doing it.

You're just running down your own people. And the Department of Britishness goes on tour, starts at Southend on Sea and ends at the Sothe Theatre on the 8th of June. It starts on the 17th of May and I'll be going to British towns I haven't been to ever but I'm hoping to run into some Indian thing there that was picked up and brought back as a memento so I should be able to see some relic of Empire across. And yeah, it's called Department of Britishness, all the tickets are on my website and I will along the way be glad to update everyone

on Ian Smith versus an Arranger Modi. That's underway. Fingers crossed. Chris you got something to plug. Yeah I've got a new series of my podcast Travel Hacker which is out now. It's the sort of show you never knew you needed. Do you want to hear about line bikes? Obviously. Do you want to hear about the merits of electric cars? Maybe. Do you give to hear about the merits of electric cars? Maybe. Do you give a shit that the London Underground changed its name? You probably didn't know it had. It's all that kind of stuff in the show.

Right. And all the latest on the horse routes through London as well. Thank you very much for listening, buglers. We'll be back next week with Alice Fraser and Alistair Barry. Until then, goodbye. the bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast Richie Firth Travel Hacker out now. It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London Overground and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels or tracks or engines of some variety. God what a