The Bugle - No Kings, and Barely a Prince

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

This week, Andy Zaltzman is joined by Tom Ballard and Ria Lina for another round of international nonsense.👑 TOP STORY: Prince Andrew has officially been fired. We look at what happens when a royal loses his job — and his headed notepaper. 🇬🇧 OTHER UK NEWS: China has threatened the UK following the collapse of a major trial and some truly diplomatic chaos. But why are they targeting dweebs called Chris? And does this extend to The Bugle’s own producers? (We hope not, Chris.)🇺🇸 US NEWS: No Kings! Americans are once again protesting monarchy — real, imagined, and symbolic. It’s a weird time to love liberty and hate coronations.🤸 SPORTS NEWS: Indonesia has banned Israel from gymnastics competition, sparking debates that require some serious mental gymnastics to follow.🎟️ Don’t miss The Bugle Live Stream! Join us on 26th October for a live Bugle you can watch in real time. Grab your tickets now at thebuglepodcast.com.🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive videos, and a smug sense of global awareness: thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a visual world Hello buglers and welcome to this The Last Bugle before this coming Sunday's Bugle 18th birthday special live stream live show It's actually the earliest plug I've ever got in This is issue 4,357 of the bugle. Sunday's live stream live show on the 26th of October

is an event being described as, and I quote, the showbiz event of the Anthropocene era. And admittedly, I was quoting myself when I quoted that. But the point stands, it has now been described as the showbiz event of the Anthropocene era. And in a world where our own words and opinions count more than objective truth, that's all you need to know. To get your tickets to the showbys event at the

Anthropocene era. Go to the buglepodcast.com. It'll be the only way for you to see and or hear the entire show. But anyway, let's get on with this issue of the show. After that, I mean, most podcasts begin with an advert. We're just getting on board that long departed train. Joining me today for issue 4,357 of the bugle. From all possible hemispheres in the world, I have Ria Lina and Tom Ballard. Hello, both of you. Good hello. Hello, Rhea. Good hello.

Hi, Tom. I went for good morning, realized it was a good night, and then I just, hello. Right. Who cares? Who gives a shit at this point? That's what happens when a podcast turns 18. It just gives up. It gives up all the dreams of its youth.

Well, it's true. I mean, your podcast is now no longer f***able by so many men, so. Family shit. It's nearly legal. What are you going to do? We are recording on the 20th of October, 2025. On this day in 1818, the Convention of 1818 was signed, appropriate year for it. It was between the USA and the UK, settling the Canada-United States border on the 49th parallel for most of its length.

For now. Could that border change at some point in the next 207 years after remaining pretty steady? stable for the 277 years since it was drawn on the map. Who knows? Obviously, the great history of the UK drawing lines on maps has panned out very well for the world over the years. On this day, as any news bulletin these days would testify, on this day in 1947,

the House Un-American Activities Committee began its investigation into communist infiltration of Hollywood. The resulting blacklist prevented many from working in showbiz for years, and I believe that's what's kept me off for almost every single UK TV program as well. I don't know how I've got on that list. And on the 21st of October 1854, Florence Nightingale and a staff of 38 nurses were sent to the Crimean War

just 171 short and hot years ago. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, well, last week we gave you multiple choice quiz marking 18 years of the bugle. This week, in advance of the bugle live 18th birthday show featuring Alice Fraser Nish Kumar and the one and only John Oliver. We have another quiz. It's a higher or lower quiz. Tom and Ray, you can have a guess at these as well if you get them all right. You listeners will win the right to buy a ticket to the live stream show once again. Which is higher or lower? How badly is this gig selling? Are you okay?

The gig sold out. It's the online stream. stream with the problem is we cap the tickets to the online stream at 10 billion and it looks like we're going to fall quite well short of that we're just trying to get it's embarrassing yeah got it you have to comp out your live stream that'll be humiliated um higher or lower total episodes of the bugle since it was launched just over 18 years ago this second or symphonies composed by ludwig van beethoven it picked up his nickname van of course because he always drive all his music equipment around in a van, creator of classic hits such as Beethoven's ninth symphony,

well known as his last symphony, after which he retired from symphony composing and focused on advertising jingles. And it was composed a couple of years before he then composed his final ever piece of music, Beethoven's first death. So higher or lower, total episode of the bugle, or symphonies by Beethoven.

Question two, higher or lower. Did Beethoven ever do a thing where he, halfway through the number of symphony? he said, okay, I'm jumping to 4,000 now, like a dirty liar, like a bugle host would do. Do we have to have Beethoven played that kind of game? I don't know. He might have been intending to do that

when he popped his clogs after composing Beethoven's first death, which I believe went wha, wah, wah, wah, wah. What's the original? Of course. This was his last contribution to the musical over.

Sorry, do you think they played Beethoven at Beethoven's funeral? Is that what it works with composers? Do you get your own shit played when is you go down the aisle? I don't know actually. I mean, either way, he wouldn't have been able to hear it. Alive or dead.

I think it would have been a great joke if they played a bit of Mozart. There's just some banging from inside the coffin. Just some real retro stuff. Or really slam at home, Rachmaninoff. Just be like, hey, you can't even play this. I assume you want a bugle podcast episodes played as during your funeral, Andy. Yeah, every single one back to back.

They want to drag it out. A higher or lower, total words in the almost 650 full episodes of the bugle. Or words in Abraham Lincoln's sub two-minute rhetorical smash shit 1863 charts off of the Gettysburg Address. Of course, speeches had to be shorter then to fit on a vinyl record less than the width of a stovepipe hat, which is where, of course, people stored their record collections in those days, hence Lincoln's trademark headgear so he could keep his merch with him and try to shift some units when he did a gig.

This isn't higher or lower. This is just which one's higher? Yeah, good point. I mean, bring pedigree to the bugle. You're always welcome, Ria. Just let him read the bullshit, all right? We can take a break. Step back from the microphone.

I think we're all in the bin, aren't we? We're all in the bin at this point. Finally. Sifting through. Which is higher or lower, or highest stroke lows. We've got three options here. Years lasted by the Bugle podcast since it's birth 18 years ago, years in the average five-year plan,

or years until my Australian tour dates, which begin in November in Perth and go through to January in Sydney, more details of those later in the show. Anyway, if you answered all those three correctly, you too can buy a ticket to our live stream live show, Available by the Google Podcast.com. That section in the bin. Thanks for your support, guys.

Top story this week. Prince Andrew has been sacked, sort of, or been sacked from using his weird names and titles that he likes to use. The UK is reeling from the truly shocking news that Prince Andrew, our God bestowed legally semi-divine ceremonial backup Overlord, an eighth reserve stand in emergency monarch, has been told in no uncertain terms

that he will simply have to use some new headed note paper, because he's agreed to stop calling himself some of the silly names he's previously being allowed to call himself. The man who's long put the horrific into honorific title has agreed to give up his use of the Duke of York title and various other tags that he uses when he does his graffiti. I forget what they all are. His only remaining title will be that of Prince, subject to illegal challenge from the estate of Prince, the late American rock legend. Tom, what of, I mean, obviously Australia is, you know, clinging, clinging to the monarchy by the umbilical cord

of medieval feudalism that binds our two nations together. How has the news been taken where you are? Well, we're devastated. We think it's a pretty brutal punishment, you know. And Jurassic gave up his title, as you say, Duke of York, his honours as a knight, grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order, the Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garder, Grand Dragon of the Evildoers, Arch Nantes of the Freemasons, President of the Stonecutters, he's got to give up his Sith Lordship, his life membership to the League of Shadows, his complimentary only fan subscription, and his platinum status on the Lolita Express. It's pretty intense.

I've told he will continue to act as brand ambassador for Pizza Express, which is really great news. And I believe he's still going to be allowed to keep using the title of Randy, Andy. I think everyone was like, you know, fair enough, mate, you have earned that one so you can keep it. And I understand that the Reform Party are willing to welcome him into their fold. Yeah, he was given on his wedding day, the titles of the Earl of Inverness and Bering Kili Lee. Kili Lai, Kili, Kili, Kili. I think they should let him keep bearing Kili Lai, because it sounds ridiculous. You know, just like instead of Prince Andrew, hi, I'm Prince. I'm Prince.

I'm Andrew Kili-Lay. And what happened was I killed my life with one single lay. I didn't do, but I did pay $12 million for. But I didn't do it. But I paid $12 million, but I didn't do it. That's how much I didn't do it. I paid $12 million to not do it. The only remaining title he'll be able to use is Prince,

which according to the reports, he cannot be removed because he was born the son of a queen, despite the fact that it clearly could be removed, despite him being born the son of a queen, if anyone could be asked to do it, but that, of course, would entail the UK, at least temporarily suspending the medieval feudalism cosplay addiction that is sort of the closest thing

we've got to a constitution. He said in his statement, I've decided, as I always have, to put my duty to my family and country first. Always is doing some heavy lifting there, and not very successfully. It's just been squashed like a cartoon coyote under a 1,000-ton lead weight.

And he's not actually, giving up the titles currently. He's just not going to use them, like me with my Lord High Priest, Almighty of the True Groove title, which, you know, I don't like to show off with. The titles, well, we're sort of touched, Duke of York,

that entitled, used to entitle, Andrew, to access a standing army of 10,000 men but limited them to fairly simple hill-walking exercises. The Earl of Inverness, which allowed him to eat dinosaurs, fished out of his local lock, cooked or otherwise. The Royal Knight Companion of the Order of the Garter,

that you mentioned. That's something to do with the right to use S&M kit in the Tower of London on non-public execution days. That goes back a bit. Also, he was in 2017, apparently, he was awarded the Order of Isabella the Catholic, although that might have been something that he himself

requested from an escort agency, but we're still waiting for confirmation of that. And the freedom of the city of London, which he got in 2012, for reasons unknown, which enabled, entitled them to drive sheep over Tower Bridge whenever he wants, to eat swans, wreck from lakes to prance naked around the crypt in Westminster Abbey, twerking whatever

tombs he wants to twerk, and to demand carnal and floverances with either a lead performer in any Western musical or any mammal or reptile from London Zoo that is in an awake or semi-awake state. I also liked in the statement, Andrew said, in discussion with a king in my immediate and wider family, we've concluded the continued accusations about me distract from the work of his majesty and the royal family. And I think that's bang on. So if you've ever found yourself thinking that the royal family doesn't do any work, you're wrong.

Okay, you've been tricked by Andrew. They actually do heaps of work all the time. You just don't hear about it just because one of them happens to be buddies with a sexual vampire. That's the only reason why. And a Chinese spy. And also chat is by that. Don't forget that. Obviously, the history of sex vampires and the British royal family goes back to,

I think, something like Ethel read the Unready back in the day. But, I mean, it's a long way back. He will no longer be Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada. I think that he might have already stepped down from that. But I mean, it's a real blow for the Royal Harlan Fusiliers of Canada, particularly with the War with America looming at some point in the next month or century, that they're going to have to find a new Colonel-in-Chief, former Spurs, Nottingham Forest Post and Poster Coglu has been rumoured

as a potential new Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal Highland Fuseliers of Canada. He's also no longer be Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal New Zealand Army Logistic Regiment, well they would hope in this day and age that could be automated as indeed all members of the raw family to be honest I mean he's basically

I'm sorry how much logistics does an army on an island need I mean they're really far out there does it just swap them between the north and the South Island in New Zealand like what does the army you would like I would understand

if New Zealand had a massive navy that would make a lot of sense to me but an army I'd be like yay yay you for your little land army I think the main roles of the New Zealand Army and we will have to check with our New Zealand listeners and maybe ask James Nakise are a New Zealand correspondent

whether the prime role of the New Zealand Army is merely to control unusually enthusiastic rugby matches I think that's probably all they have to do on a kind of day-to-day basis. I mean, sign me up for that service. That sounds so wonderful. Andrew has been cut loose from the monarchy

according to one report, and this does raise concerns about the increased policing costs and logistical public safety implications of having Prince Andrew on the loose around the UK, wearing civilian clothing and not having his entry into a building or remark with someone tutling some shit on a trumpet.

So, I mean, it's going to be difficult. It's increased risk of Prince Andrew. It's more dangerous than ever. The 65-year-old prince, who I think it has to be said, is pretty unlucky to have been born just a few hundred years too late to get away with absolutely

anything, could now be forced to settle down and get a regular nine to five, possibly in this stuffed toy department of a prominent

luxury store. There was various reports over recent years that he is obsessed with stuffed toys. He had a loving, according to a documentary

and other reports, he has a quote's lovingly curated collection of either 50 or 60 or exactly 72 stuffed toys. toys. And if his servants had not arranged them in the correct order, he would lose his shit

and become verbally abusive. Now, once again, I guess if you've grown up in the circumstances he grew up in, maybe a temper tantrum over wrongly arranged stuffed toys makes perfect logical sense. But look, I'm not a flawless parent. Did you say he has probably exactly 72? Do you mean like the virgins in heaven that, that suicide bombers get? Is that a coincidence or is that a straight line? I want virgins too. That is very much your interpretation of that number being exactly 72 according to one. I mean, there's a number of reasons it could be 72. You were quite right. That is to be fair, it might not be 72 virgins in the original text. Yes. But I think virgins was the important bit that he was focused on when he asked for them.

that. Yes. But, you know, I mean, how do you define what's a virgin and what's a stuffed cuddly toy? Well, I guarantee after he's had it for a night, it's no longer a virgin by any definition. Oh, my lord. And look, it's not clear in terms of how he demanded his stuffed toys be arranged. And this was also not when he was a child. This is when he was an adult. We're talking about in the 1990s and subsequently. Not clear if it was by age. I hope they were all face up and not bum up. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like, just, why can I see their faces? It's not clear if the, and we will be asking Prince Andrew

to come on this show and put his side of the story. Maybe not with the live show next week, to which tickets to the live gym are available. It's not clear if he arranged his toys, in what order they had to be arranged, whether it's by age, by height, alphabetically by name, by species, by cuddliness, or by sexual attractiveness. And to issue a legal clarification,

there have until this show be no official rumours that Prince Andrew either was or wasn't sexually interminate with his own stuffed toys. But anyway, the number 72, look, why 72 when anything between 64 and 128 makes it so tricky to organise a neatly structured knockout competition to give you a stuffed toy the day champion? Possibly 72 is because that's enough for six separate stuffed toy juries to rule on any legal cases that he is rehearsing

at any one time. Is that enough? 72 might not be enough. It's possible it's one for each of the football league clubs in the three divisions below the Premier League, which does suggest he's got another collection of 20 really, really special stuff toys that he keeps a really, really special occasions.

But anyway, look, the point is he's a strange man, and he's still a prince. He's still a prince. A prince is a prince. He can still feel a carrot underneath 50 mattresses or whatever princes can do. in other UK news if there is anything more important

than a prince who'd basically already been they tried to trot to get him out of public life several years ago but he's been hanging around being even further trot to get out of public life China has threatened the UK with and I quote here consequences over delayed planning to its so-called London mega-embassy, this follows tensions over the collapse of a court case

against two people called Chris, alleged to have spied for China. That's not our Chris, who's completely above board. Isn't that right, Chris? Beijing, this is London. The ferret barks at dawn. Ferret barks at dawn. Chris? Chris? Hello?

Hello? Sorry, sorry, this is like ex-producer Tom and the Bolivians all over again. Anyway, the court case collapsed, leading to blame tennis that reached going to Borg v. Macchner in that famous 1980 Wimbledon final tiebreak level. The Tories criticised Labour for the collapse of the trial. Labour criticised the Tories. They both criticised the Crown Prosecution Service. The Crown Prosecution Service criticise how complicated law is and China criticised James Bond for making spying, looking way more fun and glamorous than it actually is.

I get in a way, we should be flattered that China can still be asked to spy on us. It shows that we're still someone on the global stage. They can still be bothered to hire two dweeps called Chris to do some low-level espionize of stuff that's basically public domain anyway. Really, if anything, I think people are missing the point. They want to build the biggest embassy in Europe in our backyard, and everyone's worried about the Chris's. I'm like, what do you think they're putting in that massive embassy?

and why do you think they want to build it and everyone's going, but what about the Chris's? Really? No, I mean, you know what I want to know? Who gets to build the embassy once, who gets that contract? Do they actually import Chinese builders to build it

so that we don't know where all the hidden technology is in the embassy? Or do we get to build it? Because I would say, let them have the embassy, but we build it. And then we can install everything we want to install in their embassy. Also, is it an embassy or is it half like a, a TEMU warehouse so that we don't keep having to import stuff on TikTok from China. Because I think, again, if they just presented it that way, we'd be a lot more amenable

to letting them to have the space. Look, I think there's a couple of things I need to pick you up on here. One is the idea that if the British construction industry built this embassy, we would be competent enough to put functioning surveillance equipment in it. And also that it would be finished at any point within the next 60 years. Do you see? Do you see how good a plan that is? It's a big job. You want to get several listening and spy devices to do international geopolitical espionage.

Oh, that will take a long time, mate. Long time, that. Oh, years in acting. How many years in acting school did you have? Yeah, I thought that was all right. It was a mega embassy, though. It's 20,000 square meters. It will be the biggest embassy in Europe, still slightly smaller than the UK's former embassy in China.

otherwise known as Hong Kong, slightly bigger, I believe. And I thought it was funny, yes, the UK wants to carry out its own refurbishments on the British embassy in Beijing, and apparently China is holding up approving those changes because of the hold-up of the building of the Chinese embassy in London, which I think we could all agree is very juicy drama. Finally, a reality show that combines the high stakes of geopolitical diplomacy with the bitchiness and aesthetic intrigue of interior design and renovations. If you think I'm hosting those dignitaries with that wallpaper and throw pillow accommodation, you've got another thing coming, honey. The threat of consequences is, I mean, that's a useful term.

It's helpfully vague. It encompasses all possible gamuts of everything from full-bone nuclear Armageddon to a bit of a scowl across the UN General Assembly Chamber via applying increased commercial and political pressure on the WPBSA to move the World Snooker Championships from Sheffield to China. So it's hard to know exactly what those consequences will be. Obviously, option three is the most worrying of those that I mentioned. I think what all this shows is the awkward relationship that we in the UK have with China at the moment.

The case collapsed because the government would not describe China as an enemy. and according to the piece of legislation the Official Secret Act from 1911 prosecutors would have to prove agents we're acting for an enemy. Bearing among this is legislation from 1911 so it only really covers people with a well-waxed mustache, a pocket watch

and a working knowledge of the laws of billiards. But it shows, you know, we're in an awkward and Keir Starma described China as an epoch-defining challenge but not an enemy or a threat to national security and as the old saying goes, keep your friends close and your epoch-defining challenges closer.

It's a really tricky balance because obviously it would be nice not to be spied on by the soon-to-be if not already world's number one super power but also excellent quality in world-priced gadgets bargain t-shirts and superb dumplings.

How do you play those off against the other? As the old saying goes, don't keep quoting old sayings. And as the other old saying goes, if you want to make an omelet, you're going to need a cut-priced frying pan from a China-based online retailer

and Chinese-produced mobile phone to look up an omelette recipe plus from eggs and what appears to be a charming independent free range ethically sensational farmer is in fact part of a Beijing owned farming conglomerate with close links to the highest echelons of the Chinese Communist Party so it's a, we're in a difficult, we're in a bind

essentially. Never caught on that saying, did it? No. Although I was thinking it the other day. It's weird when it just pops up and you go wow, this really applies to this situation. It really did. And actually, it is perfect amount of time to fry an egg

when you say it to yourself. At the time you finish, your egg is done. We get this in Australia all the time, right? It is Shodinger's China. It is simultaneously an evil threat to our national security and our values and one of our largest trading partners who we value and appreciate very much. We stand against China's evil communist tyranny, but we also look forward to a long and productive business relationship. We will never compromise at our values, but our doors are always open. China is our enemy and our friend, and we trust them as we resist them, and we value our commercial friendship as we continue to fight them to the death. you think a guy called Chris Cash and another guy called Chris Barry are the two big threats to our national security they're not Cash and Barry it's like it's like a double act that never made it

to primetime telly like it's just Cash and Barry Cash and Barry Cash and Barry that da da da da da da that that that but it's just look like either that or it's an off book funeral service promising promising under that anyway

Look. Services, a lot of mob hits. Yes, if you've got anything to get rid of, so you don't want to get rid of, but you don't want anyone to know where it is. Call us, cash and bury. Give us the cash. We'll bury it for you.

Cash and bury. Bing, bang, boom. All done. No further questions, in it? Now, let me build this embassy for you. I am loving your character who was born in New Jersey, but finished their schooling in the east end of London.

It's 20 to 12 in a stretch. earlier. You know, I find I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued. I'd watch an episode is what I'm saying. I'd watch at least an episode. Yeah, he's got a very rich backstory, actually. Very much like Prince Andrew himself, who has an extremely rich, back story.

A lot of the spying seems very lame as well. In one of the messages between the men, one of them is alleged to have said to the other, you're in spy territory now, which in terms of like cool things, spy can say pretty lame. I don't remember James Bond ever saying shit like, I'm a spy. I'm doing spying right now. You know what my job is? Shpying. That accurately describes my employment. God, so many voices today. But it is how he welcomed every woman into his bedroom. You're in spy territory now. And then in a note to Mr. Berry, Mr. Casher allegedly wrote about some of the information. VV. Confidential, Defo don't share with your new employer.

Again, say what you like about the Cold War, at least people took a little bit more care to speak in code. I don't remember reading about Russian spies being like, hey, babes, Defo NSFW, but these nuclear codes are lit AF. So props keep it on the DL. Okay, thanks. Bye. I mean, really, are we getting, are we actually wanting Chris and Chris to go on trial for spying, or are we wanting them to go on trial for being shit spies? Well, I mean, that's... Because I think that's their bigger crime.

Yeah. I mean, Keir Stama was criticized for not intervening to prevent the trial from collapsing. And Starmes, spokeswaffe, General, explained that it was not for the Prime Minister to intervene in the case, and that it was for the DPP, the Director of Prosecutions, or the CPS, the Crown Prosecution Service, to make a decision on a criminal. case. And this is a very disappointingly old-fashioned way of going about things to allow the appropriate people and organisations

to make decisions within their remit based on the information that they have and the law of the land. It makes you wonder why Kier Starmer bothered going into politics if he's not interested in subverting process and imposing his demands over a correct legal procedure and precedent. I think that's why he's

failing as a prime minister, this borderline 19th century stuff frankly. America News now, and America has been protesting against King Charles. I think that's, is that right? I just read the headline. Huge No King's protests with millions and millions of people across thousands of locations across America, demanding the end of British monarchical rule.

Sorry, I've not updated this for about 250 years. But there were huge protests across the USA. The second No Kings protest, the first. It was on Donald Trump's birthday in June. I'm not sure if that was his actual birthday or his official state birthday. I'm not going to the UK, the monarch has both. Millions of people took to the streets, millions of Americans giving proof through the dark night of Trumpism

that their flag is still there, so to speak. What, I mean, in terms of where America is at the moment, in terms of complete and utter irreconcilable division, do you still think it's got I mean it always seems to find a new way of pulling more division out of the bag just when you think that they've they've completed it

where do you guys did either of you go on these protests that were in America and thousands of miles from where you live I toyed with going to the one in Paris but just because I was craving a croissant and I realized that wasn't the right reason I don't

I'll be honest I don't fully understand why we're calling this a no king's protest because if they actually read a bit of history and they and they keep looking at their history oh we didn't want the king then we don't want the king now you know i'm amazed they haven't chucked a bunch of cheeseburgers over a shipside into the key um you know that that's that's really how to send the message home but but what i don't understand is if they actually read a little bit more history they would realize that if you make him king you can then create a constitutional monarchy

and completely get rid of the problem. So I think you should push him towards a monarchy. I think that, you know, again, once he's a monarch, we can start stripping him of titles the moment it comes out that he's friends with billionaire pedophiles. Do you know what I mean? Like there's so many things that we can do

once he is king that we cannot do while he's president because the Supreme Court gave him pretty much presidential immunity at the beginning of his second term. that really we should be working together to get that crown glued to that man's head. And as we saw from the front cover of Time magazine, there's plenty of space where they disappeared the hair for it.

Oh, that's going to make him cry. He's a regular listener to the bugle. He's not going to enjoy that bit real. Oh, sorry, Donald. The hair, sorry, mate. Americans famously hate kings, Andy, unless those kings are providing burgers, donuts, or ranch dressing, in which case they're American as hell.

I mean, let's be real. If the Donut King ever ran for president, he'd win all 50 states. And if the Burger King was his VP, he'd be looking at some straight-up FDR shit. Okay. And he responded, Trump responded to these protests by saying, I'm not a king. And during the protest back in June, he told the media, I don't feel like a king. I have to go through hell to get stuff approved. Which is just an incredible take.

He's saying, no, I'm not a king. And it's really fucking annoying. I think there's a decent chance that Trump thinks people are out there on the streets protesting against their lack of a king. What do we have? No kings. What do we want? More kings. There's too much admin. In terms of his response to these approach, I'm going to give you guys a multiple choice. If you can guess which was how Trump responded to these millions of people protesting in thousands of places across the USA. Did he, A, respond with dignity, acknowledging that in politics it's impossible to please everyone, stating that he constantly strives for the best

for all Americans, accepting that differences of opinion are not only inevitable but desirable in a functioning democratic dynamic democracy, and celebrating the glories of freedom of speech and protest enshrined in the US Constitution by the founding daddies all those years ago. Did he be just ignore it, he had more important things to do

or did he see, post a video of himself on social media, flying a fighter jet over America and dropping a huge payload of shit on the protesters. Any guesses? A, B or C. Go on, take a wild step. Can I find a friend on this? I think it'd have to be see, Andy. I'd like to lock that in.

It is definitely see. I've seen the video. And it's an incredible use of AI, if I'm honest. Yes. Some of it is excellent. Some of it you go, oh, that could have really happened. And some of it you go, oh, they used the Time magazine photo to make Trump in this. They fed it one photo and it was that photo because he,

He looks dead in it. He genuinely looks dead and then brought back to life again. But it's kind of, I hate to say it. I mean, it's disgusting, but it's kind of a funny video. I'm sorry, it doesn't matter. This is, it might be the video that brings us together. It doesn't matter where you are in the political spectrum. People getting covered in shit and it's kind of funny.

You know, they're there. They're so angry. And then, oh, my God, what is this? Oh, my God. It's shit. It's just a beautiful emotional journey that we all shored and frisdick. Is that a word? Short and Freud.

It is now. Short and frisdically like to watch. And we're just through the looking glass at this point. We're through the looking glass where the quote leader of the free world is using AI to make videos of him dumping. And the plain pooing. I mean, the plain poos in a way that, like no animal poos. You know, like no animal.

Yeah. And that's the thing. It sort of, it starts as, like, the laws of physics were completely. completely ignored when making this video, but it does add to the humor of it. Like, it's like a big blop, you know, the meniscus on the shit before it breaks. It's just an incredible thing. I mean, just put all of your anger and your politics aside, have a quick squiff at this video. Just put it all to one side.

I don't think I've laughed that hard. It's funny. It is funny. It's wrong, but it's funny. It wouldn't be the first law he's completely ignored, to be fair. I haven't laughed that hard since I watched a video of a squirrel eating what's, you know, eating kimchi. Someone put out kimchi or like spicy noodles on their deck next to a bowl of water

and the squirrel will come up to eat it, go, because it's so hot, then do the water and then come back and eat more of the noodles. The funniest video I've ever seen. Second to a plane dropping shit on protesters. I'm sorry. That's where I'm at right now. I believe that squirrel's just been made Secretary of the Treasury. So pretty exciting for him, big day.

According to The Guardian, there were lots of, like, amazing signs at these rallies and stuff. Some of them said hands off Chicago, others read Resist Fascism. But according to the Guardian, many others use language unsuitable for broadcast. Yeah, and the Guardian didn't print those signs because they're fucking pussycass who don't realize that saying naughty words doesn't really matter much compared to fucking authoritarianism and the collapse of fucking democracy. enjoy that Chris thanks mate

and there were all these costumes people dressed up as like frogs and lobsters there was a 72 year old lady named Ginny Eshbach who went to the rally in LA dressed as SpongeBob Squarepants which apparently was a second choice after not being able to find an inflatable frog costume anyway long story short

Andy everything's going to be fine sure the fascists have the house the Senate the White House the military and almost the entirety of the corporate media but the left has dress-ups okay, we might not be able to coordinate a revolution but Halloween is going to be awesome, bro.

Finally, sports news now and, well, in times of difficulty, we like to take our minds off the cares of the world and the horrors of news through the distraction of sport and it's great to have sport around to divert us temporarily at least from the big stories which makes it quadruply annoying

when sport finds itself power winched into real news as happens annoyingly often these days and even gymnastics has been caught up in this the Indonesian government refused to give visas to the Israeli gymnastics team ahead of the world championships in Jakarta no she wouldn't have her own accord so there's just no way to get sport

to get life and sport away from the big terrible story. Donald Trump keeps interfering in sport. Aston Villa tried to ban fans of the Israeli football team Maccabi Tel Aviv from attending their game with Ashton Villa that caused a huge political rumpus here, not entirely helped by Maccabi Tel Aviv's fans, then perpetrating some acts of pretty violent hooliganism since then. But refusing visas to the Israeli gymnastics team for the World Championships, personally, I think this decision is completely off-beam, to be honest, and deeply flawed.

Immorally, I don't see why you would bar one country from competing, but not others. And you can't have inconsistent rules for barring countries from participating. Surely, you can't have uneven bars. You have to have parallel bars. So it's the same for everyone. And I think it should be a high bar anyway. I'm just pretty the poor gymnasts. I'm sure if they'd be allowed to compete or not,

waiting until their phone rings. Look, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not saying it's anyone's vault. It's just not good all round. But anyway, best of luck to the Brits and the World Championships. I hope a pomm will win of horse. Of course. Hey, when was the last time we did one of those?

It's been a while. Did you hear yourself? I think you did. I think you've pulled a muscle there. Just warming up for the bugle live stream live show, which there will be puns. on Sunday the 26th of October. Oh, God.

I'm in favour of it. I'll be honest with you, Andy, though, to be fair, I'm in favour of banning everyone, everywhere from participating in sport, regardless of their politics. Here, here. Here, yes. I mean, what is sport, but just war?

Yes. Yes. The one thing that brings us all together is a recognition that sport is stupid and boring, and I will not rest until every pitch, stadium and running track is designated a no-go zone for everyone. But it's very confusing reading about this story because you've got the Israeli

Gymnastics Federation, the IGF, and the Federation of International Gymnastics, the FIG. So the FIG is banning the IGF because of the actions of the IDF and IDK, what the f*** going on. It's very confusing. Well, no, actually, it was actually the Indonesian government, to be fair. It was the Indonesian government that said we're not granting them visas. I don't, I'll be honest, I'm not sure why anyone was surprised, not because I

I agree with the decision, but Indonesia have been banning Israel since the 60s or refusing to participate or being banned from participating in sports whenever Israel is involved. So how they didn't see this coming sooner and were only complaining about it three weeks before the event, when you go, really? Really? You didn't see this coming? Because I mean, in 1962, in the Asian games, Indonesia similarly barred Israel athletes, leading to its exclusion from the 64 Tokyo Olympia, Olympics by the International Olympic Committee. And then in March 2023, Indonesia was stripped of its right to host footballs under 20 World Cup after the governor of Bali again refused to host the Israel team.

So we have a history of it here. So if you couldn't see that coming, you need to train better. That is a fair point. Yeah, I mean, the relationship between what, I mean, Jewish people in sports been a little bit rocky ever since Moses was accused of cheating in a swimming race across the Red Sea all those years ago. it's not all bad news though Israel has been denied entry to compete in the world artistic gymnastics championships

but people who still believe that Israel has acted morally in accordance with international law during its assault on Gaza are still able to compete in the world mental gymnastic championships where I believe they're all expected to win gold we've got a sport joke out of you that's awesome

I'm very impressed by that These are dark times Andy These are dark, dark times You've opened the door now Tom You've opened the door One sporting event that is unlikely to be cancelled Or affected by political boycotts Is the Ashes cricket series

Forthcoming between Australia and England During which I will be performing In Perth on the 26th November Brisbane There's a live bugle on the second and my stand-up show on the 3rd. Adelaide on the 14th and or 15th at TBC. Melbourne, there's a bugle show on the 22nd and a stand-up show on the 23rd of December

and at the Sydney Comedy Store on the 2nd of January. Tickets will be on sale within, I'm reliably informed, a week or so. So do keep an eye out for those, wherever you keep an eye out for stuff online or otherwise. Do come along to all of those shows. Tom, anything to like? that Melbourne one, Andy, but I'll be getting ready to celebrate the birth of our Christ and Saviour. So you don't know much about that, but there's a big sort of a couple of days after that,

a few folks will be getting together and celebrating, you know, the Messiah. So whatever. Tom, made anything to plug? Oh, people can listen to my podcast, Serious Danger, with me and my dear friend, Edward Moon, talking about politics with a great left perspective. And you can follow me on social media at Tom C. Ballard, please. I'm currently on tour in the UK and we're branching out into Europe

so have a look at my website reelina.com I've also just joined Patreon for a variety of different things but I do a paper jab on Sundays and my tour diaries go up on there which is all the crap comedians talk about on the way to a gig which is often complaining about the gig the day before my UK tour

resumes next year details are already on my website, Andesawson.com. at UK, where shortly there will be details and booking links to those shows in Australia. And most of all, don't forget to join us for our Bugle live, 18th birthday show on Sunday the 26th. I think it's a 7pm UK time start. Is that right, Chris? Go to the buglepodcast.com now and check. All right.

Well, Wadena, you all do that listening, and we'll see you all there. Consider yourselves thoroughly. 18 years, everybody. But are there any tickets for the live stream? That's what I want to know. There's loads of tickets with the live stream. The live internet itself is sold out. If you're in the first 10 billion,

you can buy a ticket to the live stream live show. See you all there. Ria, Tom, thanks for joining us. We'll be back. Well, next week we will have a few highlights for you from the live stream live show. But if you want to see the whole thing, you're going to have to join us.

Tickets available at the buglepodcast.com. Goodbye.