The Bugle - Not Enough Boffins (4191)

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Andy welcomes to Chris Addison to The Bugle for his debut and the returning Alice Fraser celebrates four years in the show. They look at another jolly week in global turmoil, televised funerals and corrupt politicians. See The Last Post live stream this Sunday: http://thebuglepodcast.com/#Live Subscribe to Tiny Revolutions with Tiff Stevenson, episode one, with Armando Iannucci is out now.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch (or some for yourself, it's allowed).The Last Post, keeps appearing here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserChris AddisonAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Ross Ramsey Golding.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4191 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm Andy Zoltzman, it is the 19th of April 2021, and the world I'm pleased to announce is no longer going to hell in a handcart. But only because the handcart fell apart, because the contract to make the handcart was given to a company with no handcart making experience but friends in high places. So now we're just stuck in between

the earth and hell without even the prospect of the reassuringly predictable moral consistency of hell to cling to, to discuss our current predicament in between these two worlds of existence, joining me this week, not for the first time and for the first time respectively. From also respectively, ten and a half thousand miles away as the crow flies or seven thousand miles away as the squirrel burrows in Melbourne, Australia, and about eight miles away as the car drives

as long as it doesn't get lost. And with the respectively zero and two unawats or vice versa, it is or they are. Alice Fraser and for the first time on the bugle, Chris Addison. Hello, Andy. Hello, Chris Fraser and for the first time on the Bugle, Chris Addison. Hello, Andy. Hello Chris, welcome to the show, it's great to have you on all these years. Long time, listen to first time caller.

I'd just like to say hello to everyone in Class 4B, Broad Ops, Juniors. Can you please dedicate your next pun to my mum and dad and anyone else who knows me? Thank you. to my mum and dad and anyone else who knows me, thank you. Well Chris, I think you just revealed the bugle secret which is that the guests are not booked, we just randomly call and luckily get through to Andy's ultimate or not as the guest. On my very very busy phone line. So Chris, when we first worked together, almost 20 years.

20 years, I figured it out, is 2000. It's after, we first talked about it after the 2001 Edinburgh Festival. That's when we started to plan things. Yeah. I wasn't even born then. Yeah. So we did a radio show called The Department

with another guy's, who's the name off for get Sunloser. That's how I think I'm in John's, something or other. But it's great to have you on the finally. I mean, it's been a week then, did seven day Sunday. Oh yeah, that's right, yes. Yes, we did seven days. The much lamented seven day Sunday. When was that though? Was that I've I've been feeling that was like 2012 or something. Well, we definitely covered the 2010 general election

because I remember that being a tough show. The week after. Yeah, you and I had to sit in a room with John Pino, whoever saw from would look at us and then we'd have to say something to stony silence. Oh yeah, that was election night, wasn't there was an accident night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's great. All of these fond remaniscences are sort of casting into the shadow of my anniversary today and your anniversary was yesterday of me coming on the bugle for the first time at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Indeed, so that was four years, do you say? Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Indeed. So that was four years, do you say? Yep, four years. Time flies when you're having fun. I must have been having fun because I didn't expect to be this old this quickly. So you've been involved. I'm older than I expected to be by now. So sort of put this in context. I've been working with Chris on and off for five Olympic

cycles. And you've been part of the bugle for now an entire Olympic cycle That's the standard of time measurements that I like to keep on this show How are you going to deal with the fact that Olympic cycles are are now not quite I mean they're I don't think about it, aren't they? This is a leverage out they will average out at four that that's that's That's all I will cling to as a cricket statistician averages are your main currency aren't they? Absolutely absolutely and you know I ignore the bit in between the cancellation of the Olympic Games in 300 AD or whatever until they were reborn

otherwise the average gets completely out of kilter. So we are recording on the 19th of April. Well, another important anniversary, Alice, 1770, Captain James Cook first sighted the eastern coast of what is now Australia. So how is that working out? It depends who you ask, and he's alternate. If you ask the people who were here before he arrived, not well, not well at all. But yeah, we're British, we tend not to ask these questions, people who might give the wrong answer. I mean, also for the people who arrived shortly after him, the convicts, not good for them either, just by the side of that equation was happy for the most part. But at the point, that's true at the time. You know, there was a great deal of misery,

bloodshed, the forceful taking of land. But all that time later, Tim Tams. So, you know, swings in very much roundabouts. Yes, indeed. And the ashes. Very good. And the ashes. That wouldn't have happened,

we're not for James Cook looking at the right side of his boat on this day in 1770. As always, a section of the bugle is going in the bin. This week, April, April is in the bin, a special April section. Scientists have discovered this exciting news for the month of April that contrary to the claims of the former team GB poetry celeb and Nobel Prize winner T.S. Eliot, April is not in fact the cruelest month. Months of auditions have found that in fact April is on average only the fifth cruelest month of the year, whether they do acknowledge that this may have changed

since the advent of social media when anonymous abuse merchants are most active during the dark winter months. And this, or we also investigate our April section, could April be ditched, post-Brexit to enable Britain to get to summer a month before the rest of the European Union? Or could it even be postponed to the end of November to add some spring optimism to the difficult later months of the year? I don't know, I don't care, but at least we have the choice now. And finally, we investigate allegations that April is a hoax. New evidence suggests that the month didn't even exist in earlier times and was a hoax conco evidence suggests that the month didn't even exist in earlier times

and was a hoax concocted in the early days of ancient Rome. And we ask, if it is a hoax, what should be there instead? What are we being denied? What is April hiding? That section in the bin. Top story now, holy shit, the world is doomed. Now it's, I mean, Chris is great to have you on a show in a week where it does seem that the world is doomed. I mean, admitted that could be any week at the moment, or indeed, for most of the last few thousand years of human history. But I mean, it has been, you know, an incredible week. NASA has flown a drone on Mars.

Big whoop, it's still a pointless shithole. Sorry, I just pronounced that she thought it. It's an old Jewish term for uninhabitable desert which also explains the 40-year wonder no way mojus we're not living here it's a she Thorlich football is being torn asunder coronavirus is very intense the shit out of itself please give it up crown had you've made your point those words could also apply to more than one story this week and an explosive new allegation has suggested that voting in the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest might not have been entirely meritocratic. In short, as the French would say,

Plus Assage, Plusaila, f***ing Mem, f***ing F***ers, f***ing Tula, f***ing everything up. So, let's begin with the Ukraine situation. As we speak, a summit is being held. a situation as we speak, a summit is being held, they always work. And there are tensions, there are tensions in the Ukraine. Chris, I know you're a massive fan of Cold War nostalgia. Huge. Are you enjoying this? Well, am I enjoying it? I don't think enjoying is the right word for any of these things. So I do think Vladimir Putin, who I'm a big watch of Vladimir before this week, perhaps best known as the inventor of spaghetti Putin Eska, which is a delicious pasta sauce of tomato garlic, onions, novi choc and just a little bit of time, just a cut

through. Yes, Rondy? I think you might be the first of the co-host I've had on the show whose lead off gag has been a pun. Oh, well, when in Rome, I don't know if you're as well exactly, I'm going to invite that. Welcome to the show. Yeah, there must have been something very subconscious going on there, but nonetheless. But saying that Putin- When in Rome, where am I? I haven't done it in a controlled yet. Saying that Putin is known for aggressive behaviour and he is a little like saying that Ludwig Bambaytovna is known for writing the odd whistleable tune. It's absolutely relentless with him, cannot get enough of the old aggression.

Things have gone far enough, this is what I think. So today, I think I would like to pitch to you that you start the bugle campaign to get Vladimir Putin laid. He's been displaying precisely the kind of escal to get Vladimir Putin laid. He's been displaying precisely the kind of escalation in attention seeking behavior. You associate with drunk young men who haven't copped off in a provincial nightclub

at one o'clock in the morning. He's appeared topless on a horse, didn't get laid. The annex, the Crimean Peninsula, didn't get laid. So he sent hired assassins to Point Half of Salisbury, didn't get laid. This massive buildup of armaments at the Ukrainian border that is absolutely desperate to let fly is essentially a very threatening metaphor as to how he's feeling right now. Somebody, and it doesn't matter who Andy, somebody who's just a f***ing Vladimir Putin

stat. That is... Okay. So essentially he's part of the sort of in-sell movement. That's what he's saying. Vladimir Putin is... Well, yeah, I think the man is clearly, the amount of aggression being built up by that man.

Yeah, I mean Alice has got a... He certainly put a lot of people in cells. Oh, fuck off. That's a... So that's... He starts at the show. This is... Have you done a pun yet, Andy?

Is it possible that the two people on the show without you, but not you have done a pun. I've been clean for a couple of weeks You couldn't stop at any time Kanye No, I just don't don't put temptation on the face of the master to watch the students out grow him I think it's ridiculous that NATO doesn't have a plan for fucking Putin This is the tensions eased last week after Joe Biden called him, because I think I suspect the Putin thought that was a booty call, basically. But Biden is relatively old and frail, and he might not survive that task.

So the obvious candidate for the job is Boris Johnson, a man who is famously led by his penis, or before Dominic Cummings resigned, led by his two penises. Even he might balk at a night at the Cremlin, Merkel's resigning, so there's no way she's going to do it. The Austrian Chancellor Sebastian Kurtz, good-looking young man, but he's got a bad leg. Pedro Sanchez, who is coincidentally, Pedro Sanchez Andy, is coincidentally Prime Minister of Spain

and winner of the 2021 Senior Global Politician, whose name sounds most like someone made it up as a lazy stereotype award beating French finance minister Amalie Ahoyah Italian foreign secretary Giovanni it was a madouilleau and British leader of the House of Commons Jacob Riesmog Pedro Sanchez can't Netflix and chill because he gets no logic reaction to caviar so I suggest that NATO go the murder on the Orient Express route and wait till it's put in for the sleep and then they all f**king and maybe we'll get some peace.

That is my pitch. Right. I mean Chris, this is a terrible priest. I mean, to be rating the f**k ability of various political leaders, I think, is disrespectful to the officers which they hold and the kind of horrible university lives that they they had. I blame first Justin Trudeau and then Disraeli for putting f***ing ability on the table. Disraeli and trainboat. Bangin. Really? Absolutely trainboat. I mean each of their own I guess, but who wouldn't? Alice, obviously Australia on military tender hooks over the Ukraine situation because so

often wars in the Crimea leads well within, well I mean on previous evidence within 20 years to the start of an international sporting rivalry if I can remember my 19th century history correctly in the start of Anglo-Australia and Cricket. What's the reaction to the Crimea situation down under? We're enjoying it very much. Fashion moves in cycles, Andy, and I saw some slap bends in the shops the other day, some hypercolot T-shirts,

and it's nice to know that nuclear weapons are back on the table as a negotiation tactic of choice uh... i think it's a it's a beautiful thing to witness these things coming back around again that does fashion moving cycles because i think you know when when it comes to me and fashion that that cycle crashed into a disused quarry uh... what was about three years old and i've been saying this you know the

this you can't you can't be craved president lot of me as a landscape is saying that it's needs these new eeks to to defend against Russia if it's not allowed into NATO. And if I'd known that this level of strong-armed tactics was effective when I was in high school, I might not have been so ostracized by the cool groups. In a girl school, Andy, I don't know if you know this in a girl school, you can never rule through love only through fear. No, I don't have a bit out of the loop on girls schools, to be honest. I mean, the Russian military have been moving towards the Eastern Ukraine border. And it's prompted a stern international reaction with the UN passing resolution 2154, which states, can you please not do that? And an upgraded statement also come from NATO saying, I mean, seriously now, really, us enough. If this carries on, we will have a serious

discussion about not awarding any more Olympics as in World Cup to Russia for at least the next year. So the international community is starting to sound a bit stronger. Ukraine has warned Russia of painful consequences and Joe Biden is ratcheting up sanctions due to Russian influence in America's cyber attacks, inferring in elections, in media and business, in Hollywood in the 1950s, and in the baseball world series, controversially won last year by the Moscow Bolsheviks. So, I mean, also, America's today threatened consequences. Isn't that called it the world series if they only wanted American teams in their army? America's threatened more consequences. I mean, this could be double consequences

for Russia. It comes from Ukraine and America. Love a beautiful vague threat consequences. If the jailed opposition leader Alexei Navalny dies behind prison bars, he's reporting in a week state after a long hunger strike, mass protest a planned for Wednesday of this week Navalny has been incarcerated for some time now for the crimes of surviving a previous assassination attempt and then with opposition of fourth thought going back to Russia. So it's, it's, clearly, it's hard to be optimistic about any form of Russian military expansionism. But there is some hope from protesters in Prague who I think have taken the strongest action against Putin's government. They have erected a statue outside the Russian Embassy in the Czech capital of a golden toilet, the best kind of toilet, on a special

plinth, the best place for any toilet on which is sitting a naked Vladimir Putin, the best kind of Vladimir Putin holding a toilet brush and a toilet roll, the best things to hold if you want to symbolize the corrupt stench of autocratic monarchy, with his underpants round his ankles, which is emphatically the best place for Vladimir Putin's underpants because it makes it a little harder for him to run away. And also there's a bottle of novichot nestling in those underpants which is probably the best thing to use when air fresheners simply won't cut the mustard. So it remains to be seen whether the shitting Putin statue will be more effective at constraining

the expansionist tWattery of the Gremlin from the Kremlin than the international community's mumble threats, but at least it can't be less effective and has the added bonus of being a statue of Vladimir Putin taking a shit with his undies round his ankles. So, there we go, something to cling to. I mean, Andy, this opens up horizons of new mediums for satire, for the satirical expression for me. I'm already planning my next bugle will be done entirely in interpretive dance. It's a great audio medium to be funny. You know of course that Putin is Russian for a chamberpot. So it's, of course it is. No.

It's entirely in keeping. And it will be very interesting to see if when this statue is inevitably removed, outside the Russian Embassy, if there are conservative MPs lining up to say, oh no, you cannot simply eradicate history by removing a statue. Actually, the sculptor has said it doesn't represent Putin specifically it represents all women. I forgot that one. That was good. At a quick question for any bugleers who are not fully aware of the situation. Who or what is Ukraine? Is Ukraine a form of precipitation featuring small stringed instruments? Is it

be a device for lifting pregnant sheep out of quarries? Is it C? Ukraine is a cabinet minister who signed a £2 billion deal with a friend from the tennis club to supply PPE for the NHS, from which all that was delivered was a maxi pack of frozen Peter breads with elastic bands stapled to the ends to work as a workhouse, shipping in Tainer foot of slightly damp Halloween outfits and a handwritten note saying they should work, they should work cheers but, or is it D, a large European nation currently concerned about to build up of Russian troops near its border, especially after Russia, nicked a big bit of that country just a few short years ago, do send your answers to Moscow. There was a fart of a pun in there Andy, I'm not sure you've ever actually wafted implied one quite like that before.

Well I spent a tough day for Chris, as a fan of Tottenham Hotspur, recording this on Monday. We'll touch more on this story later on, but Jose Mareño, your own personal Messiah, has just been sacked and Spurs have emphatically joined the side of all evil with the European Super League. How are you coping? I mean, part one of those things, you say it's a tough day, it's actually a very nice day. Very happy. Part two, look, if you're going to be on the side of evil, you just got to hope that evil wins. That was a great film tagline.

I don't follow sports, but whenever I hear that anything has happened in sports, I assume it has to do with sexual assault. Well, though, this is financial assault, which is not always the same thing. I'm not always the same thing. I'm not always the same thing. I'm not always the same thing. I'm not always the same thing. Moving on in the Holy Shit The World has doomed section.

Well, one of the trendiest things in global news these days is things finally coming to an end after lasting way way way longer Then was originally hoped and planned due to a series of early mistakes unavoidable political errors and Well, it's not just COVID that's on that bandwagon Afghanistan has jumped on it as well Now I wrote a joke round about 2002 Hoping for trying to find something positive from the American and British Afghanistan campaign. And I was hoping, I don't know if you remember this joke, Chris from my home, back in the day in the club, but it might even have made it into the department.

I can't remember. Hoping for a final answer to the previously unsolved question that has echoed through eternity, if two wrongs don't make a right, how many wrongs do make a right? And that was essentially what the Afghanistan campaign seemed to be an effort to answer. And here we are, nearly 20 years on. Still no answer. An America is abandoning the research project with this intractable question still hanging in the air. It's going to withdraw all its troops in time for the, oh my God We can't let this go on for more than two decades symbolic 11th of September at anniversary Any any positives to come out of the last two decades in Afghanistan for either of you

See I I sort of I understand the problem. I understand the problem for the for the Americans You know because sure sure and it, it's only been 20 years. But you want to go before you've outstage, you're welcome, don't you? You're just some time now the Taliban have been making yawning noises and talking about having to be up early from meeting about how they can stop girls from going to school. Well, the American military has essentially got its guitar out and started singing Bad Vampire Weekend Covers.

But to be fair to them, it is difficult. What is the etiquette for leaving a country you've spent two decades occupying with the military? It might be, I thought it might be useful for us at this juncture, just to go over the social rules for invading and occupying another country. So first of all, it's important to remember that when you receive an invitation, you absolutely should not RSVP as this completely gives away any elements of surprise to your invasion. In terms of arrival, time to try to arrive within 15 minutes of the state to start time and not say a decade after the radicalised G hadist, you funded for years of kick the Soviet

Union out of that country. That's just embarrassing for everybody. And it makes it very tricky for the host to know when to put the casserole in the oven. The issue of what to take for your hosts. That's a choice. That's a choice. You don't have a casserole, isn't it, Chris? You don't need to time it right. I'm telling you. Let it sit. I'm telling you, Andy, by the time the US had turned up, that was nothing but ash at the bottom of a La Croixet. That's what that was.

What to take your host as a tricky one? You don't want to be bringing the traditional bottle of wine to an Islamist regime. So what might be a reasonable substitute? Well, according to the Brett's Guide to Etiquette, anything up to a trillion dollars in military equipment and personnel and tens of thousands of lives is considered reasonable. Another issue that's an absolute minefield is the minefields. It's generally considered quite rude to sew your hosts' bathroom with underlino explosives and fail to clear them up before you leave and lastly do send a thank you note the next day something along the lines of dear Taliban thank you for a simply wonderful occupation we absolutely must not have you over

to ours anytime soon and if you just follow those simple rules I think we wouldn't go into this situation. Okay so I mean that's the great thing with etiquette isn't it just gives you a guide through the difficult times. Yes. And they've definitely been difficult times. In difficult times. Yeah, Alice, have you enjoyed the Afghanistan two decade, one of the majority of your life

on earth? I mean the declaration that they will withdraw feels as Chris indicates a little too late. They're planning to withdraw from Afghanistan. withdrawal is actually surprisingly effective as a form of contraception, but it doesn't work when you've been f***ing someone for years and only decide to withdraw when they are well and truly impregnated with the consequences of your military action. We can all just cross our fingers, hold our breaths and hope to see the geopolitical babies spawning into the future. It makes me wonder when America gave up on the idea of being world leaders by virtue of being better at the race of nations and committed themselves to fully just ankle tapping all major geographic regions that look

like they might be acquiring any sort of, you know, togetherness or forward momentum. President Biden has announced that after a conflict of almost 20 years involving hundreds might be acquiring any sort of, you know, togetherness or forward momentum. President Biden has announced after a conflict of almost 20 years involving hundreds of thousands of deaths and injury civilian and military untold disruption, the surprise and astonishing rise of the Afghanistan National Cricket Team, up the international ranking, and the steadfast refusal of the Taliban to do the decent thing and f*** right off back to the middle ages where they came from. The American military will be withdrawing by the 11th of September now if the history of Afghanistan Yeah, is a reliable guide and the last 20 years suggested it is probably the most reliable guide to anything in the world these days

Then the official history of the campaign its end and its aftermath is not especially likely to conclude with the words And they all lived happily ever after Well, it strikes me, Andy, because the withdrawal's based on two misabrahensions by the Americans in their agreement with the Taliban, isn't it? The first is that the pinky promise is recognised in international law,

and second is that the Taliban recognise international law. They've just been going. The third is that the Americans recognise it. Fair point. I guess if we've learnt one thing from this and let's hope there is at least one that ideally more things, is that when considering and veiding Afghanistan, read a history book first, but that was not the ammo of America's president at the time, George W. Bush, the fuck, what did John the Baptist, the Donald Trump's f*****d Jesus. And Bush has a new book out. This week, we have medium-grade paintings of immigrants in America. And I mean, he's an awkward timing, to be honest. As Afghanistan hoves back into the news,

George W. Bush is publishing a book of not especially impressive paintings. It's not clear if being forced to sit for a portrait painted by George's W Bush was one of the enhanced interrogation techniques developed under his administration as part of the war. It could well have been confessed to what we tell you you've done or you're going to have to do eight, ten hour sittings for George. And yes, when we say life means life that applies, not just your likely prison sentence, if we ever get round to actually put you in court, but also how he wants you to pose, togs off.

Well, I mean, just as if we didn't need further concerning news, monkey humans are being bred in laboratories. I mean mean this is really a sign that we're basically just giving up now, isn't it, and acknowledging that it's time for a full plan of the 8th scenario. Scientists, then again, have been putting them, making monkey embryos containing human cells, they're, I mean these are scientists playing God with fire, let's call it what it is. human cells, I mean these are scientists playing God with fire, let's call it what it is. And there have been other mixed species embryos in previous experiments including human cells implanted into pig embryos. I believe former Prime Minister David Cameron, more of him later in the show, was involved in some of the early research on those projects, although I think techniques

were refined over time. I'm do we see this as a positive move that the failing human genes could be improved by going back to our ape brethren and sister to find superior makeup for our DNA moving forward. I hate this kind of story, Andy. It always makes me confront the fact that I don't know how to pronounce chimeras. Chimeras? Chimeras. Chimeras.

I don't know how to feel about this. I would like to say I welcome our new ape human hybrid friends, neighbours and probably children. I can only hope that being brought up in clinical laboratories as organ farms for humans to use that they will be bred to have more critical thinking skills than their humans soon to be subjects. I, first of all, I'd say that the news that monkey human hybrids have not yet successfully

been released into the world will come as a surprise to any standups who've done the Friday late show at John Glows. That's the first thing. Technically, obviously, this sounds like a good idea because which of us hasn't dreamed of creating a monkey human hybrid army to help us with eG personal security, housework, and just when we get a bit lonely. No, I'm saying we've all seen Helen and Bonham Carter in Planet of the Hs. But the problem is that if the

past year has thought as anything Andy, it's that science just can't keep a lid on things. One day you're in your Ru-Han lab trying to win a bet about whether you can engineer a novel coronavirus. The next millions of people are dead and the ones who aren't a booking two hours slots to go and sit in a freezing big garden on a Tuesday afternoon just to break the f***ing monotony. So there is absolutely no chance that the monkey humans are not going to escape from the lab and start breeding. It's going to be like the parakeets all over again if parakeets sat in trees flinging turds at pass a spy. That's my concern. I'm sure they can be trained to do that with the parakeets. We've got gorkers around

here in the... You still live in Stretem, of course, aren't you? When I first used I first you just up the road from where I I mean the parakeets here are spectacular does look a little confused as if they're starting to wear that something that colorful has no business in Britain no I think the problem here as I see it is too many scientists not enough boffins right whatever ham to boffins because we used to hear a lot about boffins, but not so much so you'd say, boffins are fundamentally benign adorable clutches in white lab coats with haircuts, not dissimilar to yours, Andy,

who engage in colorful yet harmless research and or winning World War II and or designing a monorail. Any subconscious desires that they might have to create projects that threaten the very existence of humankind are usually stymied by the fact that boffins can't really get anything very much done because they get too shy and tong tied around their brilliant and bustily attractive lab assistant missfelps and all surprisingly honky lab assistant carothers. Scientists, on the other hands, are ruthlessly efficient, a moral fact trufflers

with the cold dead eyes of Paul Hollywood. There's no project that they won't take on however questionable. They created robot police dogs, they developed the technology that gave us Twitter and they, Andy, invented gravity, which is the number one cause of people falling over and toast going on the floor.

So bring back profits and all this, well, this kind of stuff won't happen anymore. Amen. Amen. This is an unbearably good debut show Chris and heartbroken. I've worked your my own solo show. I thought I'd just phone this one in. Well, I've not I've not written anything for 15 years, I've had a lot of times. Well, if it's year beginning and ending in any number, there's probably a lobbying scandal going on here in the United Kingdom. And well, it's involving David Cameron this time, the Hippocrates, Hippocrates, the reigning British chaos cause of the year and he stepped up his campaign to scoop the tide for a record sixth consecutive year by getting involved in a sleabious,

lobeying who are concerning the catchably named coronavirus-largest business interruption loan scheme, all thrubles. As well as involving a collapse finance firm, a civil servant who seems to have been simultaneously moonlighting for that finance firm and moaning at the concept of conflict of interest. He's been sending desperate begging texts to the Chancellor of the Exchequer who didn't reply with the f*** you that seemed appropriate. Cameron's own finally honed catastrophic lack of judgment has been brought back another bit of old nostalgia from political times, gone past all of slavery as a sugary, meringue-based dessert, and like the other Eden mess, the longer this one stays out in the sun the less appetizing it gets

Do when he became prime he sort of pledged to clamp down on political Sleeves and he didn't much clamp down on it as Leap into its arms and kiss it firmly on the mouth. I mean absolutely. I I mean, by clamp down, he meant do his kegels. Hahaha. Family show. Do you know what? I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that word out loud. It's nice to know how to pronounce that.

It's your shimmerer. It's my shimmerer. Yeah. Shimmerer kegel. I was at school with a girl called shimmerer kegel. Hahaha. You're fitting right, Chris. Hahaha. Now, when they become and came to power, Chris, in 2010,

on that night, well, we were on the radio with John P. Nile. Yes, he did. He said that year, in this party, we believe in competition, not cronism, which, with hindsight, is like hearing a 1970s priest saying, we believe in God, not institutionalized mass abuse. Ah! Hehehe!

Camera was also photographed hanging out with Lex Greentail and the renowned assassination fan and independent journalism skeptic, Muhammad bin Salman. So, I mean, camera just proved to be, when it comes to lobbying, not so much gamekeeper turn, poacher, as poacher who used to pretend he was actually a conversationist now admitting, actually I just love the look of fear

in the eyes of a rhinoceros when you stand over it with a cock machine gun saying, look at me, look at me, you horny snouted loser, look at me. rhinoceros is the unicorns of reality. That's great. That's a really good metaphor, isn't it? This is your expectation. This is real life. I tell you what, it's been another cracking week

in David Cameron's ongoing crusade to eradicate shame from British public life. He is very much the front runners who go home with the coveted statuette of two massive brass balls that this year's fewest f**ks given awards. He has been using a fact-out camera, who is, I mean, yeah, the one man economic downturn, a man who looks like a freeze frame of a pork chop exploding, a man who looks like the main character in a Pixar film called Dave about an anthropomorphised drink problem, a man who looks like a reboot of the fly in which Piers Morgan accidentally teleports himself

at the same time as a bin bag full of strawberry yoghurt. Anyway, he, the fact that he, the Green Seal advised him when he was catastrophically prime minister, then he advised Green Seal when he was catastrophically head of a financial services company. It's just one more example of how the current British government and their cronies are essentially the world's longest running continuous experiment into the Kruger-Dunning effect. They are too stupid to know how stupid they are to a man, woman, and barely functioning collection of cells and nerve impulses. They are remarkable. They have the unshakable self-confidence of people who wouldn't stop if you

walked in on them wanking and the kind of absolute lack of knowledge of their own grave limitations. You were normally associated with contestants in the early rounds of X-factor. Take, for example, and the Matt Hancock, a man who looks like he knows where Anne Frank is hiding in his absolutely desperate to tell a man over there in uniform. It emerged this week that his sister owns a firm that was given an NHS contract and that Hancock himself took a 15% share in the company two months previously and failed to declare any of that, thinking that no one would notice. A government spokesman said, and I am paraphrasing, but only slightly. Nothing to see here, everything is completely normal and exactly as it should be. Other occasions on which this response would be equally accurate and appropriate include

the last flight of the Hindenburg, the 2011 Fukushima nuclear reactor health and safety checkup and Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy. It is a f***ing jambles. Oh, from soup to nuts. from soup to nuts. Anyway, returning to Britain and we must touch on this story this week, Britain has been farewell to a giant figure in public life, a selfless servant of the country, an exemplar of quite dignity, wisdom and commitment who strove to make the knight of kingdom, and indeed the world a better place to live in a true inspiration to many whose extraordinary lifespan almost a century and whose contribution to the nation encompass the decades from the post-war era to the present day, the sad death of politicians Shirley

Williams has hit this country very hard. But we also had Prince Phillips funeral on Saturday the social event of the year. So far the tabloid press were so stricken by grief, they were barely able to write 30 articles a day slamming Prince Harry and his insufficiently British wife and it was impressive in the circumstances that despite their pain they heroically managed to combine their funeral coverage with slamming Harry and Meghan for an incredible range of perceived infractions. Alice how's the, obviously, you know, Prince Philip was your de facto king in Australia as much as ours, how's Australia coping with the law? Certainly, we are slightly less than the UK, but we're negotiating the delicate process

as, you know, public figures and comedians of what to say and whom we might be offending by saying, you know, for example, drawing attention to things that Prince Philip has done or said or thought or been seen to do in the past. But really, I feel like this isn't a blown-up worry that everyone's worried about upsetting or offending or speaking ill of the dead because really isn't saying the worst possible thing at the worst possible time, the best possible tribute to a giant among men. Yeah, well anybody ever be as good at that again as we've seen the passing of something I think, passing of the culture. The big news in global royal circles now is that now that the the the funeral's happened Andy and Prince Phillips wished to be made into bullets and fired into unsuspecting wildlife has been

observed. The Queen is back on the market. It's been a 73-year drought for people hoping to marry Elizabeth II, but like Halley's comet, the opportunity comes around every three quarters of a century. By now, the new Lord Champlin, what? If I don't make David Attenbricking, I will be furious. Well, I don't know that that's how it works within a monarchy. But look, I'll tell you what, right? Let's just go through a few of the people... Don't bring this background to Putin, that's...

I'll just beg you, but don't do that. Why doesn't she... No, that wasn't what I was going to say. What I was going to say was, you know, obviously, she's going to get tipsy with the girlfriends and wear the spoon. They're going to put the ruler app on a smartphone and they're going to persuade her it's time to get back in the side saddle. So who are a few of the people? Who are some of the profiles that are going to be coming up that she could get up with? Now, so first up, Harold the fifth of Norway.

At 84 years old, Harold will be something of a toy boy for the non-agenerative monarchical singleton. Sadly, there is a small problem that he is already married, although given that he and his wife only wed in 1968. At 53 year old Union Andy has pretty shallow roots by the Queen standards and there's absolutely no reason she couldn't subtly drive a wedge between the young lovers, offer a shoulder to cry and just wait for Harold to come to Mama. Norway seems like a natural territorial acquisition for Elizabeth too, as she's very used to ruling countries with unenviable weather and self-harming attitudes towards the European Union. Swipe right. Vigiro Longkorn, king of Thailand, at a sprightly 68, he's still an absolute lad and a ledge. He's certainly got an eye for the ladies and will go after any bit of ermine trins skirt he can, having married four wives over the last 44 years. He sure knows where to put his albs and septer, you know what I mean? You don't know what I mean,

I was referring to his cock and balls. He currently has two wives, although one of them is technically a concubine, a dangerous choice given that their spines can really hurt you during sex, but would the queen really be prepared to share attention with two other women or four if you include Meghan Markle and the late Princess Diana? Not to mention the fact that a palace in Bangkok is maybe not the best acquisition for a family that's trying to keep Prince Andrew on the leash. Swipe left. Pope Francis. Whop! That's right, Pope Francis. Because Big Frank is not only head of Catholicism, the world's campus religion and second largest use of gold paint after the contestants on Rupal's Drag Race,

he's also sovereign of Vatican City State, which is the geopolitical equivalent of owning the freehold on a beach hut and calling yourself a homeowner. Vatican City State is so small that most of the maps of it are full scale. It's lacking in certain amenities, airports, a public transportation system, hospitals, etc. But on the other hand, it's bits of it that are a church, to bits of it that are not a church ratio, is comfortingly high for anyone who is either religious or likes candles. Pope Francis and the Queen have much in common, mainly dresses, hats and waving at people from balconies, but the real attraction would be the opportunity finally to finish what Henry VIII started and absorb the rest of the Catholic world into the Church of England as God herself

always intended. Swipe right, swipe left, swipe up, swipe down in nominee parties and feel it's spiritual sanctity, our man. I give up comedy. That brings us to the end of this week's bugle. I'm afraid our dinosaur reassessments section has been postponed as our early coverage of the football crisis that we will touch on. Dinosaur News is never really breaking news. Yeah, really.

The shit we missed for a million years. There's no urgency to too, is there? We will touch on them in future weeks. Thanks as always to Alice Fraser, who's now finished at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Any more shows coming up? Yes, I will be doing shows at the Sydney Comedy Festival. Kronos, my new solo show, is available there. I will probably be streaming it again to my Patreon

subscribers Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser and I have a podcast or two under the Bugle umbrella at the last post which we are doing a live show of next. The next episode of the last post will be live and you can get tickets on the Bugle podcast.com, click on the live link also the Gaggle which is the weekly glossy magazine to the Bugles audio and newspaper for a visual world. And the live last both show is this coming Sunday the 25th of April. Is it good? 8pm UK time Chris is giving it the nod. I'm so impressed that you got there Andy.

That's wonderful, well done. And the guests will be me and John Luke Roberts. Oh John Luke Roberts, there we go. Chris, anything to plug? Yeah, yes, the second series of the TV show that I make with Simon Blackwell and Martin Freeman called Breeders is currently on FX for our American listeners and FX on Hulu.

It's on every Monday night. And you can catch up on FX on Hulu. And for British listeners, it is on every Monday night and you can catch up on FX on Hulu and for British listeners, it is on next month on Sky at some point and it's on various places around the world that they don't tell me about. What do you mean as in places around the world they don't tell you about because you're British and there's only certain places in the world that we learn about at school, which is a big deal. Yes, well they don't tell me just in case it freaks me out, the idea that also I think you just don't want to tell British people that their culture is being accepted and somewhere further abroad, just in case you take it as a cue to invade.

Yes, you know, it's just simply a safety procedure. And if you want to listen to the department featuring Chris. Oh, me and John Oliver from the distant past, I think someone put it somewhere on the internet. Today. I'd like to listen to those. I wonder what that will be like.

Well, there's still funny, I think. Yeah. You can have a live listening party on Twitch. That would be good. They're so dense, they're so full of jokes. There's a lot of jokes in there. There's a lot of jokes in there, shows's a lot of jokes in there, so... Yeah, and well, we'll make the TV show one day, Andy.

One day, that's what we were having, saying that, that's what I think. 18 years. Yeah, 18 years, yeah. Yeah, good. Anyway, it's been a pleasure having you on. Do come back soon. Yeah, thanks for having me. It's been a...

It's a treat after 13 years to get to come and do this. We'll be back next week, Vuegler's. Until then, we will play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and have a lie told about you. Join the Buegler voluntary subscription scheme at theBueglerPockast.com click the donate button you can also give a one off or recurrent donation of any size to keep this show free flow to, independent, without adores. Goodbye! Hicking up on the Monkey Human Hybrid story from this week's Bugal, Charlie Pearson suggests

a better crossbreeding scheme for humans would be with cockroaches. Cockroaches can survive anything, according to their reputation, says Charlie. I reckon if we can splice their surviving anything DNA with our human skills, we could pollute the world to our hearts content and not have to worry about whether or not it would still be inhabitable. That could be a real boost for the financial markets. But David Irish is not so sure, and would instead recommend a human baracuda crossbreeding program. If the sea levels do keep on rising, explains David, we might as well prepare ourselves for the inevitable and pick up some innate sea dwelling skills.

Also, barracuders are ugly bastards, which might help cure us of our obsession with personal grooming. Barracuders don't waste their time with special creams and cosmetic tinctures, and frankly, they're all the better for it, concludes David. Abinav Merochtra would go one step further than that even and try a three-prong hybridisation strategy that cross species-izes humans with foxes, parrots and whales. We would end up as a terrific all-round species, says Abhinav, with added cunning plus a willingness to cut down on food waste by rifling through our own bins, a heightened ability to agree

with each other just by repetition, and we could travel the world in an environmentally friendly manner by migrating across the oceans. Greg Blaug is having none of this. Good luck getting that one past the plankton rights lobby Abinav, he scepticises. Greg himself would prefer a human leopard flying squirrel genetic cross-splodging. I love trees and I've always fancied living up one, states Greg Baldley. I'd also love to have leopard spots because well who wouldn't? And flying squirrels were onto the awesomeness of wingsuit way before we were. And finally, Curtis Edge is not particularly interested in crossbreeding humans with any other species because he is suspicious of words ending in the syllables Ellie. We always

referred to the television as the telly when I was growing up, leading me to believe that all words ending in Ellie were similar shortcomings. My politics tutor at university was thus disappointed when I submitted an essay on the influence in the development of modern political philosophy of the Renaissance Dipper Matten writer, Nicolau Mackey of Television. Here end if, this week's lies. Goodbye. Nicolomacchi of Television. Here Endeth, this week's Lies. Goodbye.