The Bugle - Obama and his 'do nothing' wonderland

Episode Date: February 2, 2009

The 62nd ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio News Paper for a Visual World! Hello, Budelas and welcome to Issue 62! Of the Budelas, the world's greatest and only audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 2nd of February 2009 with me, Andy Zoltzmann here in London

and in New York City, Mr. John Oliver. Hello, Budelas! Hello, Andy, how you doing, Andy? I'm all right, thanks, mate. I'm okay. Although, little Horace had a quite a prolonged squawk in the middle of the night last night. Oh, really?

I may flag as this broad-gast progresses. Well, that's your fault, Andy. That's your boy. You're not trained in better. You're not really trained, you're really, that's dogs. Well, you nurture them. That's right. I always get those two mixed up. It's just a fine amount of nurturing

and indoctrination. That's right, you've got to stay the right side of it or do you? Well, anyway, I made it back from Bermuda Andy and it was great. It was fantastic to be standing on one of the few remaining pieces of the British Empire. Now, it all comes back to you.

I just naturally started ordering people around there. It's just, you never forget it. It's like riding a bike. So, it is pretty much just Bermuda and the folk ones that we've got left now. It's going to be the three of us mighty nations trying to get back to where we once were. And I looked around at what kind of possible army

they have there that we can use to take over the world again. And I think our Bermuda militia is going to have to be scooter-based. It's pretty much all they've got got and if you think a viable military strategy is doing wheelies around people then the future of the British Empire looks great. Well it's worked for the Italians. So it's the 62nd Bugle, John which means that we've now done more Bugle, Stan, plays by Shakespeare, novels by Dickens, albums by Britney Spears and films starring John Oliver put together.

That means we are better than Shakespeare Dickens, Spears and you. Wadden achievement by the bugle. Take that Shakespeare. So welcome to February. This is the first February broadcast of the 2009 calendar year. February of course, John, the newest month of the 12 current first choice months being used at the moment. Roman King, Newman Pompilips, invented February and it's closed body January.

When he realised that the Romans were wasting the first 59 days of the year sitting around doing switch and Wimmer crankshaft, waking from March to begin. Now, of course, being the last month that we discovered, John, February had to make do with the very last fewer remaining scrap days left over after the other ones have had their fill plus 12 days given to it by September, which until then had clocked in at a big fact, extended 42 days. More than a thousand years, February was roundly teased by the other ones until some Valentine, the patron saint of Hackney Chattat Lines and Clumsy Passes, posted until anonymously to

a nun he fancied on the 10th of February one year. Arriving by second class post four days later, a hungry, cold and urine-soaked Valentine tumbled out of his cardboard and bubble wrap package onto the nun's floor and recited these lines, rote as a red, violets of blue, I'm a rhino and bed and I'll bet you are too. Like from Guess Who, before the nun smashed him over the head with a bronze virgin Mary Trophy, she'd won the previous day as mischaced 453 AD. Valentine's slump to the floor mumbled, I wouldn't mind breaking your habits. She clanked him again, he burbled, sister, sizzler more like. She booted him in the head with a size 9,000,000,000,000,000 boots, and he whispered, I love you so much, I've fallen to bits. Now with Woffeer Wimple and show me at which point she bodyslown

him, whilst screaming, I'll marry full in your face, and Valentine died instantly, but happily. Of course, the big save was then commemorated by Valentine's Day, which along with February's relaunch as the end of Winter Month thrusted into the mainstream as a month where it has remained ever since. It's been month of the year on 14 occasions, most recently, in 1935. There, a bit of background on February 4, there. Oh, that was from the mind of Andy Zolt Andy's ultimate father of two. I'm 34. I'm 34 John and to illustrate quite how soon today I am to the

responsibilities, the own responsibilities of fatherhoods. A couple of weeks ago I bought a new shirt for our comedians Tuesday football game on its bright pink and it's awarded to the person who does the worst miss of the day. I also ordered some big letters to go on the back, spelling out the word loser. I'm a 34 year old father of two and Oxford graduates. Where's it all gone wrong? Anyway, we'll be getting February the 2nd, February the 1st, John, 60 years since the end of wartime clothes rationing in Britain. And I think it's fair to say, John, that neither you nor I have been adjusted. You wouldn't know. That's a free retinue level to you.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, part 9 of our 52-part weekly audiobiography of Mike Genghis McGonagall, the former deputy leader of Tombridge Wells Town Council. This week, Mike tries to persuade councils, but WLL lines are the high street to ease congestion and leads around Paging Army in the slaughter of thousands in the Seven Oaks area. Also, in the bin, a shelf for grand-eisman section, how to make your shelves sound more impressive than they actually are, featuring 1970s pop sensation as the osmons on how their bookcase can solve crimes.

Sounds good. Yeah, you don't need. Quick. There's been a shooting. Go get the bookcase. Can you use your contacts to start to get a one-off of the ground ground, you? Oh, you may have just pitched the one film worse than the lovegurling. In which case I am in. Top story this week and Obama week one unleash the uniter. We're now a week into living in Hopeland and I have to say Hopeland is a lot more depressing

than I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, it's still a lot less depressing than living in despair for the last eight years, but I've seen a lot fewer of the unicorns and rainbows that I was in no way promised, but have definitely come to expect. There have been frightening amounts of job losses over the last seven days here, and in nearly five million Americans are claiming unemployment, the biggest figure since records began, and the new administration is still very much in the early stages of planning their economic recovery strategy and yet people are still pretty happy with a bomber and a bomb was basically done next to nothing yet and is still sitting on top of a nearly

70% approval rating was just shows how bad the last eight years have been. America has essentially fallen in love with the concept of nothing. Nothing! See, this isn't a high-maintenance country after all, Andy. They just want a husband who doesn't hit them. All they ask is that they don't automatically flinch every time their president opens his mouth. A bomber is so hot, you can toast marshmallows off him. In fact, a New York Times journalist was seen in the White House press room this week with a marshmallow on the end of a long stick Just poking it towards the podium at the end of the press conference

He pronounced that what he'd heard was bipartisan positive and delicious Yeah, the Obama effect is working worldwide quite a side from the little things like People hugging their children more smiling at passes by giving religious fundamentalists a friendly pattern Whatever hat there happens to be wearing and not moaning their radios every time they hear the words white and house in the same sentence. Obama, John, he is already creating world peace. The Russians have announced they're going to halt plans to deploy short-range missiles in near-Calleningrad, their Baltic enclave. You can pronounce it better than that, Andy. You just went straight through Calengrad there. Gylianiangrad. There you go.

There you go, right. Much more fun. Years of Russian impersonating school, slapping a sushi chef, only more so, and with bigger knives. Well, a Russian military official apparently, John, he said that a change in US attitude had prompted this decision. And of course, when he said attitude, what he really meant was president. And Olga Kacocka, Kacocka, the Kremlin spokespubbushka.

That's not how her name sounds, is it Andy? Do it again. Kacocka, Kacocka, that's it. There you go. She is the Kremlin spokespubbushka. And she said in a special statement, sorry, did we say attitude, we meant president. They're very similar words in Russian. Listen, yet a dude. Pretty evident. You see, it's easy to get them mixed up, particularly after your morning flag and a vodka, I gentlemen, hands off to meet real or I'll...

You twang her off. The Russian said that they believe that Obama is going to reconsider plans for the strategic shield in Poland and the Czech Republic. But again, he hasn't actually said he won't. And yet Russia is still willing to show faith and put their trust in him. Obama has won them over with nothing again. His bargaining chip is an empty hand because people were generally rather be offered an empty hand than a handful of shit. And this nothing strategies incredible.

Even temporarily won over the Republicans this week during the stimulus plan debate. Republican representative John Meeker came out of a meeting feeling positive saying well he didn't say anything but we got the message. What? He's even taking this nothing strategy to language now he can simply sit silently motionless and make people feel better. He's like a jazz president.

It's the notes you aren't playing rather than the ones you are. It's what he isn't doing Andy rather than what he is. Well I guess as you said we're seeing the benefits of the Bush era. I think we owe the man a great vote of thanks. That's right. Because really the world is just returning back towards how things were eight years ago. But it feels like there are an eight on to the sector revolution and VE day rolled into one if I may exaggerate wildly and unnecessarily. And when it comes to the missile defense shield in Europe, John, from American perspective, it does seem to me a bit like having an air bag in a car.

You're just tempted since you've got it to use it. So I think by having it there, they'd be tempted to do more kind of prodigy aggressive foreign policy, just to see if it worked. Just like wearing a helmet in cricket. But players, before helmets invented waves, we much better avoiding bounces. Now you just tempted to see how loud it sounds when you get clunked on the noggin. It's the same with the US Foreign Policy take my word for it. Although and in a major gesture and a huge departure from standard US foreign policy

Obama gave his first major cable news interview to a Middle Eastern news channel at Allerabia and he struck a very balanced tone arguing that America needed to listen to the Arab world rather than dictate even explicitly stating at one point, I have Muslim members of my family. I have lived in Muslim countries. So, the rumours were right all along? That's right. It is hard to fathom that we live in a world where we have a president of the United States who can say that and not be joking.

It's incredible, and a good incredible. Obama said that he will soon deliver a major speech to the Muslim world in the Muslim capital, which is intriguingly vague. It's not one of those secret gigs that record companies make bands do now to build up hype. Perhaps it's going to be a lot of Willy Wonka's gold and tickets. Muslims are going to need to buy certain chocolate bars to get invited to this historic speech. There are still certain groups here in America who will be terrified to hear that Obama is going to do this. I think there is genuinely a part of them which

will expect them to start this speech by firing a machine gun into the air and screaming death to the West as they said it. I'll go, I knew it! Are the Muslim fundamentalists, John, have been lardons of the sword? Are they going to give Brown as well? Fundamentalites. Are they going to downgrade death to the West to injury to the West? I think that's it. Yeah, like illness to the West. Yeah. Back pain, maybe.

That can be bad though. Exactly. Yeah, you're not dying, but it can affect you quality of life. Obama also has announced that he would like new push to getting rid of Robert McGarby in Zimbabwe. In the week, that Zimbabwe basically abandoned their currency. Like a motorist with a car that has been chugging along a motorway and just conking out every couple of hundred meters, they finally just said,

f**k it and are now walking across the field. He said that he wants to lead a US diplomatic push to get tough UN sanctions against the Magarby regime And you've got to feel a bit sorry for McGarby John He's really struggling to keep his head above water and his opponent's heads underwater as it is without having president Superman waiting him telling him how to run his country a bit less of bombably and also I'm not sure how this is gonna work Because presumably by now McGarby and Zimbabwe is immune to sanctions when he could just sit there and say well What are you gonna do cut off our, not let us have clean drinking water, ruin our economy. Good luck with that big dog. Good luck. The only thing you've got is

to tease me about my mustache. Obama, the uniter and the is also currently attempting to get significant bipartisan support for the eight now currently 819 billion and climbing stimulus package, even meeting alone with Republicans to collect some ideas and Was the the Democrats comfortably have enough votes to pass this bill? Obama seems to want to collect large amounts of votes from across the aisle in response the House Republicans Democrats have been sniping at each other All week and Obama is starting to look like a dad driving a minivan trying to keep the squabbling kids in the back quiet Shut up. Don't make me come back there why can't the two of you just try to get along I

will pull this thing over I will do it even invited both Democrats and Republicans to an evening drinks party at the White House to discuss it further now that is a great idea Andy if in doubt just get people hammered and that is yet more Lincolnian presidential behavior. That's exactly the kind of tactic that Lincoln employed to end slavery. He got people absolutely wasted before issuing the emancipation proclamation. People didn't really know what happened until they woke up the next morning, blirry id and suddenly remembered.

That's certainly what Boris Yeltsin did in Russia, except he just got himself hammered. He came to agreements with himself. But, by my hosting the beer party beer party was another bold political move. He likes to fly close to the sun because yes, they could have got drunk together and ended up stumbling away happy saying, I bloody love you. We're going to sign this stimulus bill together because you are my best friend in the world. But it also could have turned into an all-out brawl.

Also in another major foreign policy shift, Obama has decided to send a letter to Iran. The US State Department has apparently been working on drafts of this letter since election day, and it's in reply to a lengthy letter of congratulation sent to Obama by Archmond Inajad, and it is so hard to get the tones of these letters exactly right, and it's like when you're in the early days of a relationship, you don't want to come off as too eager. Now he's left a good amount of time before replying, just to keep it round guessing, keep him keen.

He's not got carried away in carved a barmer and armoured in a jade forever into a tree. Now he's not standing outside armoured in a jade bedroom, holding a stereo over his head, playing love, lifters up where we belong. And there was so much to decide. I don't know. Jody, you're giving an insight into your seduction techniques. I've got two moves, Andy. The tree carving and the Love Lift us up where we belong.

If none of those work, I am snake eyes. I've come up snake eyes. I don't know any better seduction technique than though. Put the two together. It's never failed. Sorry, it's never succeeded. I've got that wrong it's never succeeded there was so much to decide on did they go with a letter or maybe a card with a kitten lying asleep on a dog's chest proving the adversaries can get along maybe just a Twitter message don't drop that you don't know what you're talking about don't just drop that because you've heard it mentioned on a trending news broadcast. Explain Twitter to of the next few months. It's like America is now part of the famous 12-step program to recovery. By electing a farmer, they've admitted they have a problem. That's step one. The way I see it, they're around step eight now, which is make a list of all persons you have

harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. There are going to be letters landing on the doorsteps of Castro, Chavez, Kim Yong-il, and in terms of the environment, on the doorstep of every single inhabitant on earth, which ironically is going to be an astonishing waste of paper and fuel transporting the letters around the earth. They just can't win, aren't they? They can't win. Obama also said that America will ease back on the use of torture. This is, of course, the land of the free rather than the land of the free rain. Waterboarding and other forms of what its proponents might refer to

as justice accelerators. Or else, out, John Obama's executive order that he's released sets out to promote the safe, lawful and humane treatment of individuals in US custody. So it's Dick Cheney was heard to respond, oh the safe, lawful and humane treatment of individuals, why, why, why, why, why, why, and also commented that we only degrade to do sexually and the base of religion because we love democracy so much. Amongst the techniques that are allowed, John, under the current code, include techniques called

rapid fire questioning, we know all, good cop, bad cop, ego up, ego down, emotional fear up and silent. Now these all sound like rounds in a studio based TV game show for adults. It does. He go up, he go down, sounds like a Japanese game show. Well, in fact, it's interesting to say that because according to the Geneva Convention, sounding like a round in a TV game show is a criterion for acceptable torture. Whereas waterboarding, that only sounds like it might feature in a kids game show that's not allowed. And other techniques including mock execution, dog threatening and post sexual acts.

They would only appear in a Japanese TV game show, so they also are completely off the books. The World Economic Forum has started in Davos as well, usually a chance for finance leaders to sit around and chat whilst rolling around in piles of gold and cackling. But not this year, and the a number of bankers have decided not to attend, prompting British Chancellor Alistair Darling to pull out of going as well. And by the way, for American listeners, the British Chancellor really is called Alistair Darling. I know that hearing it for the first time can be difficult to believe. You get used to it, but it never stops being ridiculous. Well, of course, every year, the great and the good of world economics gather in the Swiss

resulted Davos to pat themselves on the back and tell everyone how lucky we are that they invented money before going down a bobsled run on a solid gold lose and blowing cigars mokin shallay gold's faces. But this year, they've been wiping themselves on the back, trying to cleat the bird shit off their jacket, which has been deposited by the chickens, which have come home to roost on their shoulders. It seems Andy that no one really wants to face the reality of the meltdown that we are currently facing.

And the word meltdown is never a positive thing to hear, unless in connection with a sandwich. Why not? Kind of sandwich. I don't know, like a cheese and tuna meltdown. Right. Cheese and tuna, that's a lot of holy comedy. Yeah, no, that was, that's a bad, did I like cheese and bacon meltdown. Right. Cheese and tuna, that's a little, holy comedy. Yeah, no, that was, that was, that's a bad,

did I, cheese and bacon meltdown? That'd be nice. Cheese and tuna, marto meltdown. What would you melt tuna with? I wouldn't, I wouldn't melt it with anything, John. I'd have it raw with some wasabi and soy. Ha ha ha. Financial experts are starting to sound like a cross

between a weather forecaster just before a huge tornado hits. It's all bored your window shots, stand by your radio and stockpile canned goods, and a crazy man shouting at traffic. Bankers seem spectacularly unable or unwilling to learn from their mistakes. It was announced this week that Wall Street gave out 18 billion in bonuses over the last year, the sixth biggest amount ever. Wow Andy, they have got some balls. They have got titanium balls, balls they cannot afford and which we have bought for them. In fact, John Thain, the ex-head of Merrill Lynch and the man who spent

$1.22 million in corporate funds to decorate his office, including a $35,000 commode on legs, and the man who paid out $4 billion of public bailout money in employee bonuses said, if you don't pay your best people, you will destroy your franchise. What are you talking about? You massive moron! You spectacular piece of shit! Your company failed! And it's this kind of balls that destroyed it you asshole You know the talking Davos so far has been of exactly how totally shawter the world is and

That does seem that's the world is as totally shafed as someone who's been forced to watch a 1971 black exploitation film about a private detective back-to-back for ten unbroken years Thanks for much a panel of economists in fact economists who predicted this crisis and have therefore never been allowed to set foot in Davos until this year, blame the rapidly unfolding map to Shittsville, with which our economic and political leaders have been navigating the world, partly on the culture of short term reward for long term risk and Nassim Chaleb, a former derivatives trader and author, described derivatives trading as being, quote, all about how to make a bonus and screw your client, which makes it as a profession, the exact equivalent of prostitution, especially if you leave the S of the word bonus,

only its grubbier because your client has not asked to be screwed. I would equivilize this overall situation, John, to how you would feel as you sat in your house as it bobbed up and down on top of a lava jet from an exploding volcano. Yes, it might have been a bit foolish of you to buy the house, even if it had a really nice view and natural underfloor heating. But also to blame, are the estate agent who aggressively sold it to you as an unmissable property and a safe investment with great potential. The builder who didn't bother to make the house volcano proved because it would have cut into his profit margin, the planning officer who gave permission for the house to be built because he hated saying no and ruining people's dreams, he self-opplointed, unqualified geologists who said,

no, it's not a volcano, it's a big mole hill, that rumbling you can feel, that's a really big mole. And most of all to blame is Pele. Not the greatest football revolter in Celebrije Visekthami Reversa. But Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes, an unquestionable hotty, who not only put the volcano there, but made it erupt when she lost her notoriously

magmatic temper after she caught Greek volcano god, her feistus, obviously copying a pervert, her delectable ponzenbees. And as you sit there, John, atop your fountain of fire, waiting for the inevitable ins injury crash down and wondering if any of Florence Nightingale's boyfriend boyfriend ever called her pyroclastic flow after a particularly hot and run bus use encounter. I guess you can console yourself by thinking, well, I guess we're all to blame. We're all to blame apart from that professional volcanologist with a

clipboard who's been locked in a soundproof vault and has spent the last 15 years shouting for f**k's sake, stop building and buying houses on top of volcanoes. Bugle Feature Section Now and Health. That's right, neither Andy nor I are qualified doctors, but we do both have internet access, so that qualification is only ever a few clicks away. Medical hoax news and Baroness Murphy, I remember the House of Lords, has admitted that when she was a young doctor, she hoodwinked the British Medical Journal into publishing a report on the medical condition called cellos scrotum.

Now this was, apparently... What a magnifying combination of words that is. Cellos scrotum. Cellos scrotum, didn't he used to play for the Tampa Bay Bucking Ears? No, no, you're thinking I was in a band at school called Chelo Scrotum. I was sorry, I'm honest. The hoax report that Baroness Murphy was involved in, in the 1970s, that she's now come clean about over 30 years later,

said that the chafing of the cello, of course, an irritation in one assumed was particularly male cellists by chafing of your instruments on your instruments and the age-old battle between Stradivarius and Nutzac. And I want to know, John. What is a hoax? What is a hoax? Where will the lies end, John?

How many people have suffered and perhaps even died because of non-existent diseases? I think because people trust doctors. And they trust anyone with a stethoscope in a clipboard and that's basically how the British Empire worked. If one of these self-styled doctors tells you that you've got terminal heptomoclicle flamboliosis or an operable vanquatrug ovens finger, what are you going to do, John? Are you going to say hang on for a moment, boy. I feel fine.

I want a second opinion from someone who isn't giggling. No, you're going to trust them. You'll say, I want a second opinion from someone who isn't giggling. No, he's gonna trust them. You'll say, well, thanks for sparing me the agony of living to 150. Tell my wives I love them. And if you've got time, pick up my suit from the drug cleaning so I've got something smart to be buried in, then curl up in a ball and slowly die.

And that is what the medical progression has relied on for too long, John. We're too trusting. This is not the kind of thing that doctors should be doing, Andy. Because there is definitely a hyperconductoriac cellist out there who has spent the last 30 years panicking every time his cello goes everywhere near his cojones. In fact, yo yo mar, the cellus doing the inauguration, played with a foam pad around his testicles. I presume that was why.

Other invented medical condition include a veterinarian squint, which is suffered by 85% of all vets, it's a muscular cramping in one side of the face caused by repetitive grimacing, while shoving a glove-darm up a cow's fundamentals and thinking to oneself, I spent how long training to do this. Also, bankers neck, a relatively new condition and increasingly common amongst high-ranking bank executives. It's a stiffness of the neckl region, caused by looking over one shoulder while sneaking out of one's office with a suitcase full of crisp fifties to make sure no one's watching. And also politician's chin, an information and scraping of the chinic area on politicians and industrial economic spokesperson's caused by repeated and vigorous tucking of the chin

into the throat to convey particular seriousness when making a statement about an issue that will impact devastating on the lives of potential voters due to the previous actions of the chin-tucker, prevalent amongst 1990s conservative ministers and Gordon Brown. In response to this story, Andy, the A British Medical Journal spokesman said that the inclusion and now debunking of Chello's Grotem had, and I quote, simply added to the gayity of life. Does this spokesman, Andy, live in a Jane Austen novel? A coffee health news now, and UK researchers found out that people who drink too much coffee could start seeing ghosts

and or hearing strange voices. And he was more response to this story, Andy. I drink and heroic amount of coffee. In fact, this is started to make me think, does the bugle even exist, Andy? Or are you a coffee-based hallucination? Who's Andy? Oh God! Well that's at the point. You see, we drink a lot of coffee separately and even more whenever we're together. So, are we living a kind of comedic-based version of Fight Club? You're my Brad Pitt, Andy. I'm your Edward Norton. Yeah, well that's always been the case, John. That predates the bugle by several years. Your emails now and this very useful update comes from Thor, Alabaster Doherty, who writes

in addition to his made-up name. What hope, buglemasters? Good start. Now that King of Barmer is in charge of the USA, I thought I'd take a look back and then in capitals, you can still contribute to the Rudy Giuliani for President Camping. Is that for a few years time or is that still for the current president? 2008. Right. And you know, let's not write him off yet.

He's shown these tough Giuliani can come back from difficulties. So who knows? Who knows? He's a powerful man. He's got a lot of contacts. We've had some more death threats, and he's coming in after we know how much we liked and he's one from Daniel Coli saying, dear Budalus, hey A-holes! Well, you have my full undivided attention, Daniel. Patrick isn't the only one who threatened to kill you, so did I.

Not only that, but I also threatened to get you sent to hell. I tried to carry out my plot at the inauguration, John, but I also threatened to get you sent to hell. I tried to carry out my plot of the inauguration, John, but it's difficult to sneak a weapon into that sort of thing. Testify. I was in fact inclined to let the whole thing go, but now you're destined to adore my the space above my fireplace. That goes for you too, Andy, after killing, skinning and mounting, John on a wall. Hello. I'm swimming across the Atlantic and finding you. Run like hell hell gentlemen, sincerely Daniel Coley. Oh Daniel. Well, should we put in context. This is a guy who emailed us

a couple of months ago and said that he'd done a bugle marathon and listened to every single episode of the bugle concurrently. So it's understandable that he has gone spoon-looney. Another threat and the came in from Mauricio Aldecacacia, who subjects was threat and not idle either, and said, hello Andy, hello John, I consider sending you a death threat, but I see that market is already more than covered. Well, even more than we originally thought, no, I come to you with great portance of things to come, less hotties from history is restored. People are pissed off, Andy.

It's not so much being cancelled. That's moved to the rest of the bugle now. You might think you're a bad Jew and Catholic respectively, but you're both terrible, terrible Mormons. True. You think this does not concern. Well, keep in mind that Mormons can convert you after you are dead. Good point. So, as soon as Patrick comes through, you're looking at an eternity in Mormon hell. I've got to say Mormon hell sounds like it anyway. Therefore I expect either a hot-eat-from-history back from podcast limbo or b and he marrying his third wife by this time next week and John, you know what John gets a pass on that one. God knows at least he's trying. What? So thanks once again for your emails.

Do keep them coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Bugle Sport now and well of course there's only one big sporting story of the week and that is where the Harlequins will play the quarter final of the Heinerkin Cup. No that's not it. That's not it. I'm just switching them to maxim not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

That's not it. That's not it. That's It is the Super Bowl. Right. So yes, it will have happened by the time you listen to this, assuming you listen to it on Monday or subsequently. Super Bowl 43, John. This is Beagle 62. Yeah. Beagle's in Super Bowl and Well Series involving the St. Louis Cardinals put together. Suck on it, Super Bowl.

Take that, Poo Holds and Ruffles Burger. That's right, we've had more. So it's the Arizona Cardinals against the Pittsburgh Steelers. John I think for me it's going to come out of two things. What? Offense and defense. Well who says British people don't understand the intricacies of American football? Who says? Simple game over complicated biome analysis. I mean it's going to be very difficult for people to get particularly motivated by those two teams Andy but it's still the greatest spectacle in sports and of course especially when

at the first time we watched it together years ago we spent I guess the whole of the time firing guns at each other we got lots of toy guns Andy and some of our friends a friend of ours called Danny Baker to Chile and then we invented some game where I can't even remember what it was but every time a flag was thrown you got shot in the head of the plastic dart I can't even remember what it was, but every time a flag was thrown you got shot in the head with a plastic dart. I can't remember, but it was a lot of fun. It was our pretty tribute to American culture. The half-time show has been performed by stand-ins Bruce Springsteen and the East Street band. After the original choice, Australian singer and artist, Ralph Harris, had to pull out. Harris had been due to the quick painting

of Donald Duck kicking a field goal whilst humming a medley of his own songs to himself. But sadly, left his paintbrush at home in Australia and had to withdraw. So John, I think this match is going to come down to who reacts best to Springsteen's set. And of course, last year, Patriots caught up at Tom Brady is a massive rolling stones fan, and after half time he couldn't stop thinking about trying to get Charlie Watts' autograph off of the game. So really, it's all about keeping a focus after the half-time show. You sure, there was the rolling stones last year, aren't you? Was that two years ago you sure that it was the Rolling Stones last year, Andy? Was that two years ago?

I thought it was Tom Petty last year. Oh, it was Petty, right? All right, well, OK, Tom Petty's autograph, or whatever is strum as they miss. You're going to have to just take the joke back, Andy. I'll take it back. There's an official recall on that joke. Flag on a joke.

It has been a flag on the joke. Inaccurate reference. Repeat first joke. Australian Open tennis updates, and the 2009 Australian Open Champion, Andy Murray, is still on course to win the 2009 Australian Open despite being knocked out by Spanish racket-wield, the Fernando Vadasco, in the fourth round

due to a combination of physics, maths, the quick-sotic tennis scoring system, a bit of a cold, and the vengeance of the Almighty Lord for the war crimes committed by the Scots at the Battle of Bannettburn in 1314. God is tenacious, Murray, isn't he? He just won't go down. After his defeats, Murray inhabited the body of World No. 1 Rafael Nadal. He said, it's been a bit weird playing in Rafael's body. He's left-handed and plays quite a different

game to me, so it's taken a bit of adjusting. That's why my form dipped a bit when Nadal beat Jill Seymour in the quarterfinal, and I've struggled to get past Vadasco in the semi. But I'm confident by the final I'll be ready to beat Federer, both Raffer and myself have good records against Roger, so I can't see how a combination of us both couldn't win. It's gonna be a great day for British tennis, Vamars. Also, John, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce my retirement from top level tennis.

I'm 34 now and I'm getting on a bit in tennis terms. I've been a professional tennis player for 15 years now, free-lamps and I'm just not getting enough work to justify carrying on. I've never really been booked to do any tennis anywhere in fact in my pro career. So, I'm leaving with a lot of memories, John, and no regrets. Right, what are going on the senior circuit in a couple of years? You're a bad tennis player, Andy. Well, you're a bad at tennis. John, 6-1, that's all I'll say to you. No, 6-1. No, not this, you're completely falsely remembering that.

What do you mean, 6-1? Or is it 6-1? All I know is that by the end, that racket was begging to get out of your hand. The Google forecast now, and well, the forecast this week, week John is we've got a man coming to deal with our pigeon problem on Wednesday. So how deep does this pigeon problem go, Andrew? Well they are nesting above off our front porch, John. Yes.

Not only they are nesting but they are cooling quite a lot and even more than cooling, they are shitting a hell of a lot So we have what I believe is typically known as guano all over the place. Yes, and these pigeons are gonna get it big time Well, they like it or not We've got a man coming to deal with them. I'm hoping I have pigeon pie for breath How do you deal? I mean that sounds sinister. How do you deal with the pigeon? I mean you just get clung up the ladder as a stern talking to them, shoes them off and then sticks them little metal spikes where their next boss and then disinfect the entire outside of our house.

So the forecast is, by next week there will be no pigeons shitting on my doorstep. That's all buglers, bye bye! Have a great week and goodbye! doorstep. That's all, Bughlers. Bye bye. Have a great week and goodbye!