The Bugle - Obama gives Brown a rubbish present

Episode Date: March 9, 2009

The 66th ever Bugle podcast, from 2009. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. the ninth of March, 2009, can you get it? Can you? Nine! Yes, 2009. I'm Andy Zoltzmann here in the unforgettable city of London and in the unsinkable city of New York, it's the three-time Golden Glove winning shortstop Derek Jeter

in our special soundproof safe. Derek thanks for taking some time out of the World Baseball Classics, join us and with him, no-time Golden Glove winner, John Oliver. You have a no-time time golden glove loser as well. That's important to mention. Yeah. Hello, Bugglers. Hello, Andy. Hello. No turtle this week. Andy, I'm with any turtles.

So my energy levels have returned to their normal levels. Is there not on a aquarium in New York that you could do? Yeah, but you're not allowed to dive in unless you've what, sneaking like the night. What, even if you've been on, Even if you've been on telly. Yeah, basically payable doesn't get you in. Tulip next drink. Network gets you in, Andy.

You've got to be on 24. I have a Bill Clinton story part two. Oh, excellent. There's with Gather-Round Bueglers, Curly Yourselfs Up, Next to the nearest Open Fire you can find, even if that involves you setting fire to something nearby. Now you remember that the last time we left the story, I was in a room with Bill Clinton, Natalie Portman, Matthew McConicky, and Nondy Asamoya all star-corner back of the Elk Room Raiders.

It sounds like it's about to get salty. Now, there was a general sense in the room before we walked in that Matthew McConicky was going to say something weird at some point. It wasn't a question of whether he would, but when? And then around one 30 in the morning, he piped up and said, I've got a question, just for funsies. I remember looking across the table at Portman and both of us thinking, here it comes.

When we realized that Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, why didn't we just plant one in the sand? At each point, all eyes went from a conarchy, straight to Clinton's face, to see how he would take this maverick question. And in his different he was very great to say interesting question Matthew, even though it wasn't. And simply pointed out the logistical difficulties of planting a weapon of that destruction in a country. And Matt, you've seemed perfectly happy with that response. Weird, man.

So yes, it is bugle 66. Incidentally, if you do listen to bugle 66, while driving on Route 66, you will be eaten alive by the devil. However, listening to the bugle on the 866 in Northern England is safe. So as always, some sections of the Google go straight in the bin. This week, a special Michael Jackson section. As Jackson, age 50, announces that his 10 gigs of the Oto Arena in London and in July will be his last in the UK ever in human history no matter how long the UK exists.

We have a special Michael Jackson in London commemorative section, including Jackson, who judging by his new chin has felt most of his last 12 years of giggling inactivity either playing snooker or nodding vigorously whilst too close to offence or trying to put an ancient Greek helmet on the wrong side of his head. Has announced that to raise awareness of his shows he will be moonwalking the London marathon in April. So here are quick do some don'ts of moonwalking, do check who or what is behind you before setting off on your moonwalk if any of the following is behind you, abandon the moonwalk, a bear, a cliff, a pub, enemy lines, the bride or Michael Jackson.

Do do a full proper warm-up before moonwalking. Moonwalking requires muscles that ordinary walking does not use, such as the budgetary set, the squag-loid, and the anterior jive muscle. More than 700 people report to action and emergency wards in the UK every day with moonwalking related injuries. And don't teach your dog to moonwalk if dogs walk backwards from more than three meters they die it's an evolutionary defense mechanism. Also in the Jackson section of the pin some suggested questions to start off conversation if you find yourself sitting next to Michael Jackson on a night bus back into central London from docklands after one of the gigs at the O2 in July. Suggested questions are so what do you think the IMF should be doing to stabilize the global economy Michael? Or Michael, I like sausages. What's your favourite food? And what not to say to start the conversation off? Not a fence mate but I always prefer germane. Or alternatively

this is what you shouldn't say. Be honest, did you? Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. I just meant, did you really expect Billie Jean to be such a big hit when you wrote it? Top story this week. He was Brown in the USA! Good brown, Prime Minister of Great Britain and of course he could have been Prime Minister of the entire world if he'd been born 200 years ago. Come to America this week to visit the political lords

that is President Obama. He was, I presume, hoping to kneel at his feet and have some of his magic electability rub off on him. But sadly, even before he landed, there was story circulating about him being snubbed by the White House, softer being denied a public press conference with the president and even lunch.

And this may just be part of a creeping anti-British settlement from the White House, because I was there a couple of weeks ago, and I was denied both of those things as well. No public press conference with the president, and even worse than that, no lunch. In fact, I had to wear a different security pass to my producer and camera crew because I wasn't American, which meant I had to be escorted wherever I went. I think they were concerned that as a British person I might be coming back to the White House

to burn it down again, finish the job we started. So I demand at least one press commas with the president and at least one lunch. Reparations Andy, I was snubbed. So what's the general feeling that Brown and Obama didn't really hit it off? Well, I was hoping it might be like John Smith and Pucker Hontas all over again. Well, I think the hope is that we can get over this early kind of stumble. Right. And it's a special relationship between our two nations, albeit the kind of special relationship that exists between a businessman and a prostitute. But now there are worries over the specialness of this special relationship, a White House official referred to it as a special partnership, and the British press went batchit crazy. more, America wants to see other people. The best we can hope for is an open relationship in what's going to be a global gang bang. And in response, Gordon Brown owes us to renew

our special relationship, kind of like renewing wedding vows. And maybe our two nations who go to Hawaii stand on the beach in front of each other, wearing linen suits and flip flops, and just restate our commitment to one another. Do you, America, take this decaying tiny island to be your global partner, to give you a long four-sense of history? And do you Britain take this superpower as your global partner to help you recapture a time when you were internationally relevant? If anyone knows of any just cause why these two should not be joined, shut up Iraq, no, then I will pronounce you X superpower and soon to X super power. You may kiss each other's asses.

Well it was, sir, yeah another example, John, in the increasing proud tradition of Britain absolutely crawling to the USA. One country on its knees, on its knees to another country, also on its knees. Well, quite a lot of knees getting quite aggressively rubbed in the White House, not for the first time. Gun Brown delivered an uncharacteristically energetic speech to a joint session of Congress, stating that the partnership between the UK and the US is unbreakable, and that no power on Earth can draw us apart. And from that point in the speech, he did start to talk almost exclusively in 80s power ballad lyrics. He also didn't shy away from the occasional nauseating compliments saying there is no old Europe, no new Europe, there is only your friend Europe and people leapt to their feet, not to applaud but to

run to throw up in the bathroom. In fact, he was crazy with 19 standing evations, exactly matching the number enjoyed by Tony Blair when he spoke in July 2003 and And you know, was the fix in with old standing evasion dandy, or maybe he was trying to beat him, because it must have been tempting to throw in another quick line at the end that was bound to get another standing evasion. You know something about the stars and stripes being the greatest piece of cloth since the Turin shroud. And then scream, yes, 20 standing o's,

suck on it, Tony, suck on it. Will you say Brown has become more popular in America than he is over here, John? He's not doing great over here. In fact, if he wants to win the general election that he's going to have to call at some point in the next 14 months, he's going to have to do at least one of the following two things, demonstrate the ability to levertate Britain loves magic, or learn to smile without looking like he's got your children held hostage in a locked pickup. I don't think it went great for him, I, and that people didn't really notice he was here. Ah, I see, right. Now, people are a bit more concerned

about the 8.1% jobless rights than a man they've never really heard of coming to compliment them for a bit. There were elements of embarrassment during the trip. There was the traditional exchange of gifts, Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama, and ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slaveship

HMS GANETS But let's let's be careful not to rewrite history here. Yes, we did invent anti-slaveships But it's worth remembering that we also invented pro-slaveships before them And you know that's probably worth mentioning now in return pretty good present though. Yeah good present You got to give him that pretty that. Everyone needs a pen holder. Because I believe the desk in the Oval Office is made from wood from that same ship. So pretty, pretty good gift.

Now in return, a bomb again, Gordon Brown, a box set of 25 DVDs. Ouch, that is not as good. What were they? American classic, so there were Star Wars, Godfather, Citizen Kane. That is a gift of someone who was clearly seeing the opinion of Nelson Britain and knows that he's

meeting someone who's going to have quite a lot of spare time on his hands in the not-so-distant future. I haven't seen any of these. Well, you'll be able to watch all of them soon. I feel sorry for both of them. I feel sorry for Gordon Brown, who had to look pleased as he thundered through them saying, oh, I haven't seen a couple of these, how nice to have.

Of course, I probably could have picked most of them up for my local supermarket, but it's nice to have them from you. But John, the question that's clearly all our listeners want to know here is amongst those 25 DVDs. Don't say it. And awards and awards. I also feel sorry for Obama because he must have been frantically looking around the room for something else to give him at that point. Oh no, that's not your real presence. Got you, got you.

No, instead I bought you this painting that I hung on my wall. That's why it's a surprise because it's on my wall. That way you never guess. Surprise. I got you with the DVDs. I got you. I'm sure Bram has been tempted just to nick something. Did you manage to steal you with the DVDs? I got you. I'm sure Bram has been tempted just to nick something. Did you manage to steal anything from the White House? No, because I had this security pass or I was under constant supervision.

I couldn't steal anything. And I went there with every intention of basically taking anything that wasn't nailed there. And it didn't help the robber Gibbs' office had nothing in it. All right. He basically hadn't moved in. There were no pictures on the wall in the whole of the West Wing

because they just haven't really moved in yet. So, there were very, very few stealing opportunities and a lot of secret service looking at me with suspicion and contempt. The visit came in the same week that Obama officially unrialed his budget at a cool $3.6 trillion. I think the official economic term for that, Andy, is a load of money. A Ben Bernanke called that term. That guy's got a potty mouth.

But this isn't just a bit of a gamble, Andy, this is a barmer putting on some mirrored sunglasses, lighting a cigar and pushing everyone's chips across the table. The only problem is that if the river card isn't a nine, America is going to have its head in a voice by the end of the day. Now, he's spending it on all the things that he talked about in his campaign, middle class tax cuts, healthcare reform, indoctrinating school children into radical Islam,

and spending £150 billion on alternative energy, all classic liberal policies. He has also set aside £250 billion in case the banks need to be bailed out again. Now the banks, presumably, are looking at that 250 billion, very much like a dog looking at a sausage that his owner has left on the edge of a table, having said, good dog, please don't eat that sausage and then left the room. Because John, that dog will eat that sausage. You cannot tell bankers that there's a bailout contingency fund and expect them not to round their banks into the most available economic brick wall and then say, you're going to have to fix that for us, Mike.

Of course, not everyone's in favour of all of Obama's measures. Health insurers seem to be worried that helping the poor could seriously cut into their profits, the big companies in the rich seem to be worried that helping the poor could force them to pay the tax that the poor won't be paying so much off. And a lot of people also seem to be worried that Obama's environmentally friendly measures will benefit the poor as much as them, even though the poor aren't paying as much towards them, which really is unfair, John, in a democratic world. True.

No one is going to have to start paying for this for at least two years. He's essentially borrowing the business model of people who sell pull-out sofas on TV. By now, start making payments summer 2011. On top of that, he's made it clear that America is going to have to cut back on some of its favourite luxury items such as wars. Wars are like pet llamas Andy. They're lovely to have but you can never believe how much they cost. And they're really hard to get rid of. Really hard and they cause a hell of a mess. Difficult to clean up after. lead up after. World leaders news now and Hugo Chavez, the Venezuelan number one has been told to shut up yet again after King Juan Carlos of Spain in November 2007.

Now his own doctor has told him to shut the f*** up for three days. Due to a throat problem, apparently, the exchange went like this, President Chavez, can you just say, are please, America can suck my danglers, just say are please, doesn't it smell nice on our George W. Bush, the sulfurous devil has gone, look, President, it's just not easy to get a diagnosis

when you're bad mouthing America, could you just say are, wish I was a little bit taller I wish I was a baller. Get out of my surgery. I'm not paying for this mate. I'm not paying for this. I did not think Chavez will be so old-fay with the works of ski low Andy. Chavez said I'm a little affected by the intensive continuous and permanent use of this cannon I've got here and this doctor has told me not to talk and the I love the fact he calls his voice his cannon but it's just another reason to love this one that means his words are his cannon balls how dare this doctor tell him to shut up that's right it's depressing times

for the world and we need all the entertainment we can get and he is the most reliable source of entertainment in the world exactly how can you do that to the world? You cannot silence that cannon. I'll tell you you should shut up. He's f***ing dog to shut up. But to be fair, John, telling Hugo Chavez to shut up for three days is one of the most pointless sentences it has ever been said. There's as much chance of Chavez staying

quite for three days as there is of Warren Beaty marrying Jesus in a civil ceremony during the 1981 men's Wimbledon final. Very little chance. He's talking about like a 1 to 2% chance. In January of this year, Shavez spoke to his congress for seven straight hours. Wow, that man needs an editor.

Seven hours, not even you and me could do that, Andy, we seem to push Tom Cloak's at the breaking point every week. Don't joke. That is a tired beaten voice. And he's not even had his kid yet. Get in practice. Just imagine me talking is your child crying. That is the future, my friend. Now just put me over your shoulder and stroke my back.

Also in other leadership news, Rush Limbaugh. Now, it appears to be seen as the day fact of the Republicans, John. Has he made the news over here in Britain? And generally, there's a lot of good things about being British and living in Britain, for example, strawberries, cricket, grumbling, and the high likelihood of a heart attack. But perhaps the best thing about living in Britain

is not having to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Yeah. So for our non-American listeners who like me probably thought Russia's imbal was a medical condition involving involuntary convulsions of the upper digestive tract brought about by exposure to concentrated hogwash. Here's a quick guide to listening to Russia's imbal. If you can listen to him for five minutes, you probably agree with him. If after five minutes, however, you're standing on a window ledge, 20 stories above the ground with a policeman shouting through a loud haler,

put the radio down, step back from the ledge, we can talk this through, then probably you don't agree with him. Is this really the future of the Republican Party, John? Well, let's hope not. And you need an effective opposition. And of his many disputable qualities, Rush probably isn't the best uniter for America due to him being hamstrung by being a turbo powered asshole.

LAUGHTER Won't he have a year on his show, John? A little touch of bitterness, sir. He's got big listenership. I think I hate him. I don't want to splash that word around, but I think I hate him. You know when you fall in love, you think, oh this is what it feels like. The same falling in

hate with the right. Oh this is, this is that sensation. I guess you know it when it feels right. Okay, he does have that sort of look about him, John, that had he been born a generation earlier and somewhere in Eastern Europe, there would be some absolutely gigantic statues of him somewhere. Absolutely. In fact, it is one of the great things that America has managed just to constrate him to the point where he can just irritate everyone speaking into a microphone, rather than speaking into a loudhaler and essentially designing mass graves somewhere. Thanks to America, as we speak, Russell Embao is not standing up in the hake saying no I didn't half a

century of instilling corrosively negative body image issues in young gold news now oh sorry we don't actually have that story sorry hang on oh yeah this is the one I was looking for Bobby doll news and Bobby is 50 this Monday that's right John Bobby or Barbara Millicent Roberts to give her full name has reached the big 50 and to mark this occasion on Tuesday, this week just gone, in West Virginia, Democratic delegate Jeff Eldridge proposed a bill amendment,

banning the sale of Barbie dolls and other dolls that quote, influence girls to be beautiful. Now, I can't tell them a massive fan of Barbie dolls, but I think the almost universal response to Eldridge has been, do your **** job properly, you total penis. Because it does sound like Delegate Eldridge has had a bit too much spare delegating time on his hands this week, and it's just ended up

getting bored and sticking his legislative or into a pretty pointless pond. But also bear in mind that somewhat contrary, Eldridge, whilst not wanting girls to play with disgusting anatomically lethal dolls, he is also a big fan of mixed martial arts. The noble sport of men smashing the living shit out of each other night, any means available for the

entertainment of the baying matters. And he is trying to legalize this in West Virginia at the same time. So his message to his voting parents is essentially, don't let your daughters play with skinny dolls, but do encourage your sons to have their heads coved in by 20 stone tattooed men with anger management problems

and a dangerous looking chair. Ha ha ha! The best response to the 50th anniversary of Barbie Andy will be to come out with a 50 year old Barbie. The people could buy. Someone who just post cataract surgery, having a bit of problem with her hip and needing to wear a hormone patches. Jeff's preparing yourself for the slow, inevitable slide into the inescapable chasm of death. Looking at Ken saying, I don't really

love you anymore but in this economy it's just too expensive to get divorced. I guess maybe we'll just sleep in separate rooms instead. Actually Eldridge hasn't admitted that his bill is unlike to be particularly effective. Essentially his words were that his bill is a bit like a loaf of bread in that quote, it doesn't have a lot of teeth. But I guess this story does raise the question, John. If Hitler had been a girl in 1960s America, would he have played with Barbie dolls? I guess we'll never know and I'm afraid that says it all. Are you sure that says it all? I think I'm not sure. I mean what does that actually say?

Well, I just said it all. Now I mean you just said the same thing again. Yeah, what does it actually say? Well, it's all, isn't it? Come, narrow it down. Are you saying you would have benefited from playing with Barbie dolls? I would have given him a sense of the family dynamic that perhaps he lacked. I'm just saying we'll never know what would have happened. Well, that's true. But I'm not sure that gives us the insight into Hitler's psyche that perhaps we would have benefited from. Would playing with Barbie dolls have made him any less genocidal, do you think?

Well we don't know. Yeah, now you're saying we don't know. Yeah, but I'm not claiming that that tells us all we need to know about. Right, man. Well I think it tells us all we need to know about Barbie dolls and Hitler. I reckon I can't work out if that's litigious or not. I think it isn't, but I also think it should be. Against who?

I don't know. I just feel that someone should be sewing someone for that comment. I just can't work out who, against who. Well, if you're listening Hitler, let's hear from your lawyers. What do you got? Well, if you're listening Hitler, let's hear from your lawyers. What do you got? ["The Bomb Room Administration"] Feature section now and...

Shh. Secrets. The Bomb Room Administration fleetingly opened the door on the Bush administration's Chamber of Secrets last week, including the fact that the CIA had destroyed 92 tapes of terror detainees being interrogated. They previously admitted to destroying two tapes. So perhaps they just coughed through the 90 parts

or a fire engine went past outside. Yeah, we were taught to say, they were close. It's only one digit out, John. And it's a very easy mistake to make. I mean, if you have 77 apples and then buy another 15 apples, how many apples have you got? Two apples. Now, it's as simple as that.

It's as simple as making a mistake like that. I could work the other way around as well. For example, I have fathered, let me think, 92 children, a ladies, John, has made 92 successful tackles in his football career. And Florence Nightingale had 92 scraboutjes, a fellows, well, I want to say fellows, I mean reptile enthusiasts.

So scraboutje, of course, is a rare breed of chromine lizard that she sneaked through customs underneath her corset. And I guess what I would say is, as Jesus Christ himself said, pick up your 92 tapes of potentially incriminating evidence showing clear human rights abuses and walk to the insinurator. We all need to work out, do we really want to do this? Because there's no doubt there is a lot, lot worse to come. And do we want to open Pandora's Box again? We may find it more difficult to get shut next time. And it may be better to seal all the details of what push did

and put it in an Egyptian style tomb underneath his presidential library. In fact, he should be buried down there when he dies too with all the trinkets of what he's done, like a disastrous King Tut. And it might be better for a space age Howard Carter to discover the tomb years from now and piece together bushes like King Tut. Yeah. Sounds like a really critical monarch. That's how he got the nickname. Even 18 years old, he was very withering. Kill that a pyramid. That was why some people argue he was murdered. Just his constant contempt of one of the greatest at that point structures in modern history.

What's that? Pointy. Is that a sphinx or a cat trying to open a tin of strawberry? Is that a pyramid or did the ground just throw up? Are you shocking to encounter? I mean a lot of people have died making this structure and I think this is going to stand the test of time for thousands of years. If I wanted a pointy house or the most for one. Of course, some of these interrogation techniques, John, apparently amounted to torture, but this raises the age-old's tree falling in a forest question.

If a terrasus-bex screams in a soundproof padded cell in a foreign country whilst being tortured, does anyone give a shit? And I guess the other bush of mistrations aren't, so that was no, but I guess the philosophical answer would be, well, they would if they found out and it doesn't appear that they are now found finding out Your emails now and this one comes from Phil Waddell from Bedfordshire of course where I grew up He's written in in response to your question of whether Bedford has an official berry, right? I'm trying to confirm the fact that alas, there is no berry of Bedfordshire. As was mentioned in last week's Beagle,

we simple folk need not the fruits of the bush, we have something much greater, the Bedfordshire Clanger. And he said, did you ever have one, John? I did not have a Bedfordshire Clanger for reasons which are about to become clear. The Bedfordshire Clanger is a long pastry roll or sometimes pie, the consist of one end filled with hearty meaty chunks suitable for herring up the chest of even the most effeminate and runtish mailed brackets is this

why you came to the county John. I've seen you without a shirt on and you've been haired up. If any of you haven't been eating too many clangers. No one could claim that I did not have a heavy chest, that argument would just not stand up. Anyway the other end of the meaty chunks is filled with a sweet and heavenly jam, and your stomach should already be churning just the very thought of that. The idea is that you can have one in your pocket as a sort of meal in one, as the notion of a cheese and ham sandwich and a muller-like yoghurt in the spider-manage box is still regarded with much suspicion in much of rural England. He says, I've had the most fortune to eat several in my short life, and upon upon retrospect I've found that to be ideal metaphors for the past

It's a time The problems deserve is that face it young man and also for several recent wars and global financial crises What a snack! What a snack to hell of a snack! It's a satirical snack! The reason being is thus like all the above the beverage Your clanger is not nearly as interesting as this sound and consists of a tough and chewy beginning Which you know you'll have to work through in order to get to the sweet and tasty reward. But a reward which you deep down know, you'll never reach.

As once you get to all the meaty and jammy shit in the middle, you go and throw up in a bucket so we're never to get involved in such things again. And firmly try and forget that such a concept ever existed. There you have it, the Bevji Klaner, a pastry beef and jam based metaphor for life. Not the gastronomic capital of the world, Andy. But for sure. Well, what is it the capitaly clanger a pastry beef and jam base metaphor for life not the gastronomic

capital of the world and the beverage here. Well what is it the capital of the world for? Football violence. Oh yeah it's pretty good. That's we always go on TV whenever there's an Italy England football match because there are riots. Yeah so I've never eaten a clanger because the very thought of it is making me feel sick now. It is that it's that middle bit is the problem. Thanks also to those of you sent in suggestions for the celebrities we should be having join us on the show in our special soundproof bugle safe. We had James Baker last week, he's got Derek Geter in there this week, you join the show Derek? Well I presume so it's just great to have Mr October in there.

Yeah. Sinan wrote in and suggested we keep the entire Republican party in our special safe, even for just half an hour. He said would be a great service to the whole world, which would unquestionably make you two who need redemption after having made a dumb mistake and already looked at death in the eye after canceling the Hotties from history. The first great heroes of our century. This one came in from Shane in Philadelphia, who writes, Dear Mr Oliver, plus guest.

Nice. Not nice. Not nice. Not nice at all. Deal with it. No. You asked for requests, as to what famous celebrity you with the audience would like to hear in the safe, or not here.

But I don't know why you're asking, because I swear to God in the last three episodes, you've had the great Henry Kissinger in there. You can't fool me. I would know the sound that he doesn't make anywhere. That sweet, sweet sound he doesn't make. I've been not hearing him on your show for weeks, and I don't know why you're keeping him a secret. Cheers, Shane. Well, we're not adding him in the London office, John.

Let's just say Jesus got some company. Two minutes of that safe, one man leaves. Oh, I'm fancy Jesus, John. Kissing, you're as an animal when cornered. Just ask the chonings. So do keep your emails and celebrity nominations for the soundproof safe coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and don't forget the new improve website timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle. And do keep your contributions into that. Don't forget you can win a T-shirt for one of the best contributions to the Beagle website, closing date, next Thursday. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, Mr. Terrorist, we're all getting bored. And other than that, John, I'd say it's gotta be the World Baseball Classic.

It's been huge news over here. Obviously people have very disappointed. I'll bet it has. Very disappointed that Britain didn't qualify. Yeah, well. Yeah, again. But it's got everything. I'm really excited about this tournament, John,

the World Baseball Classic. It's got everything for me, the World Baseball Classic. I live in the world. I like base. I've got two balls and I studied classics, so count me in. Oh my god. Well, you've just ruined the world's baseball classic for everyone now who heard that last sentence. Do people care about it in America, John?

The home of baseball? No, they don't. They care about the major league baseball season happening, and this is kind of a kind of preseason distraction. They don't care about it unless they're winning it. Japan won it last year, so who gives a shit about it? Well, a lot of Americans are quite badly. Isn't that slow, Derek? Well, he's gone awfully quiet.

They lost to South Korea and Mexico back in the first World Baseball Classic in 2006. Now, America losing to South Korea and Mexico at baseball to the casual spectator seems to me to be a bit like the Caligula era Romans losing to Saudi Arabia in an orgy competition. But I think this time my money is on Italy to win, John. They won the football world cup in 2006. There's no reason why they therefore can't win the world baseball classic too. Sports people often say if you put your mind to it, you can do anything, which is an obvious lie. But if you're telling us when all their games, they're going to be in with a shout.

And also in sports news, David Beckham appears to be desperately trying to leave America. John, is this the end of real football in the United States? Well, it can't be the end of something that never really begun, Andy. But I think Beckham's making the right decision and not playing on plastic pitches in front of tiny crowds with a team who cannot play football as well as he can. So there you go, take that, MLS. So that's it for the Bugle this week.

In fact, this episode has been so good that we are retiring the episode number. There will never be another Bugle 66. That's right. He used it into the ceiling of the studio, Andy. And finally another bugle 66. That's right. He's into the ceiling of the studio Andy. And finally, Google forecast. Well, John, I'm afraid we've had some bad news for the future of the bugle this week. Listeners, the European Court of Justice. As rule that the UK's compulsory retirement age of 65 is legal. So I'm afraid that I am going to have to step down from the bugle in 30 years and seven months time. My job, bet you can't wait here one of you new American showbiz buddies into replace me. I'm going to take it off the decades as we speak. Thanks mate. Thanks for your loyalty.

Yeah. Well, I hope you enjoy the two and a half years you'll get running this podcast on that move. Before you two are confined to the slack heap of old age to creptitude and destitution. I met Billy Croddup yesterday Andy and I think he would love to do a podcast. He'd love to. Let's replace you with Billy Croddup yesterday Andy and I think he would love to do a podcast He'd love to let's replace you with Billy Croddup see how you like that. Yeah, he knows less about cricket But they're tell you what he knows more about almost everything else. Well, you can send him over in I'll take him on Really? Go toe-to-toe with man no and man no naked has got intended That is the second

revolting image You and Billy Cronop, naked wrestling in front of the fire. Pitting him down saying, there you go, Cronop. Do you want to make it best of three? It's good enough for Oliver Reed and Alan Vates, it's good enough for me and Cronop. So I guess my prediction, John,

is who is going to replace me in the year 2039? I am going to go with the 13-year-old kid who spoke at the Republican CPAC. Right. I'm going to go with him. It might be Chelsea Clinton, because I think you've built a bit of a relationship with a Clinton dynasty now and ex-president Chelsea Clinton will take over in 2039. That's a good one. Well, we'll just have to wait and see. That's all the English. Bye-bye. Bye-bye!