The Bugle - Oil Prices, recession & inflation but what do the G8 do? Have an 18 course meal

Episode Date: July 13, 2008

The 36th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio News Paper for a Visual World! Hello, Bugleos, and welcome to issue 36 of the Bugle of the World's Only and Best Audio News Paper for a Visual World. For the week beginning Monday, the 14th of July 2008, which means the 14th of July, it's Bastille Day, so later in the show we will be ceremonially decapitating one of our French listeners. This edition of the Bugle is dedicated also to the memory of her role-harness, Quinla's Bethaquin mother, who sadly died last week aged 107 due to complications arising from injury sustained in a motorcycle jaust on the 821 outside tumble-age wells.

The form of professional matriarch faked her own death in 2002 to bring an end to constant staying in a motorcycle jost on the 821 outside tumbridge wells. The former professional matriarch faked her own death in 2002 to bring an end to constant media speculation about when she would die and to spend most of the last six years heading up a bikey gang in Sussex. A child had dreamed that only now she'd have the chance to fulfill. Convinced to her own immortality, the Queen Mother became increasingly daring and passed away, off being knocked off of 750 cc Suzuki by a man dressed as Henry VIII riding a soup type vest but Piagio. But it's the way she would have wanted to go. I'm an after all the way her husband went back in 1952. So I'm

Andy's ultimate here in London and also in London. John Oliver. Hello Bugles. Hello Andy. Well, it's great to be in the UK. Is it great to be in the UK? Well clearly isn't that great because you're pissing right back to America. Yeah I want to go back. I'm going back Andy. I'm tied with this irrelevant little pipsquik of an island. I'm going back to the greatest country of the world. I can't wait to get back to the United States, Andy, for many reasons.

Probably that I've missed so much there in the last two weeks. Politics here is a morass of bleeding and whining. I've missed Jesse Jackson caught on microphone by Fox News cleverly not turning his microphone off, saying that he thought a bomb was talking down to black people that he wanted to cut his nuts off. The last thing he needs is the world's pre-nation, is a young child. So by cutting off a bomb as nuts nuts he's really doing America and hence the rest of the world a favor. He'd also be the first presidential unit since Taft. Yeah. Little no balls Taft as they call it. As always some sections of

the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week in the bin a special audio pest deterrence for the summer. If you have foxes in your garden, whasping on your labiliers, play this one. If on the other hand you've got zebras grazing on your lawn while you're trying to have a picnic, try this. Or maybe you've got next door's kids sneaking into your swimming pool in which case, try this one. Or maybe you've got Donald Rumsfeld rummaging around in your bins, in which case, play this. Top story this week and the G8 Summit? Well, in the two weeks that we've been away, Buglers, the G8 have held another summit this time in Japan and they convened this summit

like they convene all of their meetings by projecting the silhouette of a chaffinch into the night sky and dropping what they're doing to run and combine the eight pieces of a single magic ambulance which they each wear on a chain around their neck. I'm pretty sure that's how they call it Andy. I can't fathom how else they can organise something with such huge logistical problems. That's the only way you can do it. And a such short notice as well. Exactly. So is the world sorted out now? Is everything going to be fine? Well, yes and no, in that yes, it is not sorted out, and no, it isn't going to be fine. But at least the summit did go off without any horrible camera catching protesting, and they achieved this through 21,000 police

officers handy at a cost of $280 million, with the result of two arrests. That is $140 million per arrest. They'd better make those charges stick. And to both of them, you don't want to put all that money onto one conviction. You're entering OJ territory there. But it turns out that the G8s have been a bit naughty with fulfilling their aid pledges that they made at Glen Eagles three years ago. John it's not so much the actual aid but the pledging that counts you know. It's really the thought that's the most important thing there and as long as Africa knows that we mean to give a shit. It doesn't really matter to them that we don't actually give a shit. Yeah and we Brits we have full we're one of the few countries that have

fulfilled our promises so I think it is probably time for us to have another go at the Empire. Yeah, that seems only fair. Well, that's just maths. Well, yeah. Let's take a look quickly at what the summit actually did achieve. They announced plans to half global emissions by 2050. And we actually sounds pretty good, but you're right again, because we need... We need to be careful here. These plans of theirs can be very much like the plants of a 10-year-old. Oh, I'm planning to be an astronaut. Then I plan to win the Super Bowl, and then I plan to eat all the ice cream in the world.

When you know there's no way that lazy little shit is going to get off of 10-year-old us and bother achieving even one of those. The summit ended with a shared vision on climate change. But what was that vision, Andy? Was it a vision of men in suits staring or cool in their shoes and mumbling something about polar bears? And this shared vision involved absolutely no

concrete plan of agreement over action whatsoever. Millie and acknowledgment that they all agreed that there was a problem with climate change. It's like a group of vets standing over a badger. They've just run over in their van and agreeing that yes, he has been run over and that yes, someone should definitely do something about this before calling a press conference to excitedly announce how they all concur on the seriousness of the badger situation as in the background, the badger dies.

G8 also discussed rising food prices which are of course affecting all of us across the world in different ways. Some of us are having to spend a little bit more on groceries and a little bit less on the luxuries of life like plasma screen televisions and I mean the real ones John with human plasma. Get a better quality of picture. It's crystal clear. Also, it's useful in emergencies. You know.

They're not cheap but they'll come down in price. I forget more popular. Gordon Brown has made a controversial claim that we shouldn't waste food. He said that wasted food costs the average family £420 extra a year. And really he's right, it is the government's job to decide how much money family you should have to spend extra a year without really noticing. That's a basic tenet of modern democracy. But my grandparents lived through rationing in the war. Yeah, just.

And they saw off the Nazis. You're not single, not single, handedly. Oh, that's a hell of a climb, Andy. Well, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, more than I need and chucking it away because I feel like a takeaway. Otherwise, John, we might as well dig Hitler up, gaffer tape him to Big Ben and tattoo a swastika on the coins ass. Not only do you say that we should stop wasting food, the also announcement of the government will be urging supermarkets to drop their three for two offers which encourage overconsumption and wastage. All fair and important points, Andy.

But somewhat diluted by the news that the G8 leaders have sat down that night to an 18-course middle, washed down with wines flowing in from Europe and the US. It's like the old-old saying, Andy, don't lecture people about overconsuming food and then go have a 19 course dinner and of course they didn't do that. What they did have though was an 18 course dinner and maybe they could have shaved a few courses off that just for the sake of the moral high ground. Obviously they need to eat. I know that.

Could they not have stopped at a massive 9 courses? Just try and keep it under double figures. I mean I'm scanning scanning the menu now, maybe lose the Harry crab bisque soup because they've already had the boiled clamp tomato and shizzo and jelly clam soup. You know, you've had a soup. These guys need all the brain food they can get. And you know, the food like this,

that kind of provokes the kind of sideways thought. And you know, they have kind of different interesting combinations of foods and maybe that Helps their political thought having a different Interesting combinations of policies and so they have to keep having more and more courses until they get the solution Do you only say that because you would like to have had some of that dinner? I would like to have had that dinner. You know, they could have you say that they shouldn't have held off on the milk-fed lamb Flavored with herbs and mustard because just six courses ago

They'd had the roast lamb with black truffle and they at that point were starting to take the piss I agree it can appear insensitive to each an 18 course meal while there are Literally millions and millions and millions of people starving to death in the world. I think at the very least They should have had some of those courses served by AirDrop. It would have looked like they cared if they'd had their confused lobster meringue with an aggression of caviar, served on a ten-post-a-bed of triffit petals. If it had been servoing dumped out the back of a remote control model aeroplane, it's all about PR. As at least they made these pronouncements before dinner and not during it.

And I do think that was wise. There's no doubt that as a whole the summit was disappointing, occasionally pathetic and instantly forgettable. But there was a staggering moment at the end, at least an incredible anecdote was provided from this, and that Bush apparently surprised the other world leaders at the end of this summit during a private meeting by closing out that private meeting with the words and this is true. Goodbye then from the world's biggest polluter. He then punched the air while grinning widely as the rest of

those presents including Gordon Brown and Sarkozy looked on in shock. In pending global conflict news now and Iran has fired a rocket at Israel, well it hasn't, but it's shown that it could do by testing out some rockets. I think rockets makes it sound slightly less sinister than missiles. Really? Yeah. Why? Fire a rocket. I suppose it does.

Especially you're probably right. It sounds more like a firework, doesn't it? Or kind of thing that you've built at weekends if you're unhappy with your wife. Oh, that's what missiles are basically just fireworks. Yeah, they get the same reaction. Just maybe a slightly more fearful oom than you get with fireworks. I kind of object to the surprise that's greeted this event

because we all should have seen this coming. When you realise that Iran haven't pissed the world off for a while, you know that they've got something brewing. The international community were up in arms over Iran testing a long rage missile which had the capability of reaching Tel Aviv. And it was that last sentence which really made the world take notice. Apparently it can reach Israel. But we also have to understand that this is pretty much the selling point for almost anything in the Middle East now, whether or not something can reach Israel. Property, or this is a beautiful three-bed property with a balcony from where you can reach Israel. If you know what I mean, cars, this

this cars Mars Pagallon mean that it could reach Israel on a single tank. It's also why I've worked it out distance. Is it faster to swim pool? No, not too far. Just two hundredth of the distance from here to Israel as the missile flies. As a Jewish human being and how does this make you feel this impending annihilation? Well, I don't really see it as that, John. You've got to take it as a compliment. You know, whenever any adversary starts giving you a bit of verbal or a bit of Misal testing then you know it shows that they're afraid of you They like that was you know, it just shows that we choose

Getting it right. I think we'd be worried if no one was threatening to bomb the land that was There's nothing worse than being irrelevant. Yeah, who's threatening to bomb Luxembourg? The key word here though is that these were staged Misal tests, you know, there were supposed to be an international audience for this. That's what it was for. Iran, apparently, at the forefront of experimental theatre. And this was just another of their site-specific productions. And I have to say, is a welcome move on from their last production,

which was a modern day interpretation of the importance of being earnest, with the part of Al-Janun Monkryff being played by a nuclear warhead, reviewed in the Terran Times as an explosive kabuki. These missiles were fired during war games, and of course they're a concern that those games can often be a gateway drug into actual wars. And if we learn one thing from the classic 1993 movie War games and it's not only that a young Matthew Broderick is the only person capable of saving the planet but that these things can escalate quickly out of control. That and the fact that a game of Noughtson Crosses is the only way to teach computers the concept of futility. Does Broderick

still have that power? Of course he does, so why has he not used it? Well hold on a second Andy, he's more like he's like a benign God, Broderick. Right. He likes to give humanity the freedom that he has offered them. Right. And he'll step in if things get a little too fiery. Right. So, I'm just saying, spoiler alert. Don't be surprised if you see Matthew Broderick providing

a helping hand over the next decade. Okay. Apparently around Doctor the photo of the missile launch to suggest that four rockets had gone off, rather than three, and apparently the fourth one never left its launcher. Jon, it's great hope for the world. That Iran basically doesn't have to make weapons anymore. It can just make pictures of weapons

and email those pictures to reach his realm. If you're going to Photoshop stuff you could make it a lot more entertaining than that and you'll have it coming out of a man's mouth. Yeah, just a guy firing out of his mouth. Well hopefully they'll get more ambitious as they learn to use the software. LAUGHTER The US won't rule out force to dissuade Iran from doing something like this again saying it is an option that's on the table but a last resort. It is the dessert of tactics and a in dealing

with the Middle East. However, as we know from recent history, America is a fan of the dessert. Often, often liking to eat that dessert first and then have another dessert to follow. In fact, they've proven that they can simply work their way through the dessert trolley before asking for the check. Bugle feature section and terrorism update. At some positive hostage news first, and it's been a long time since you've been able to say that. And FARC, the 44-year-old Colombian revolutionary group, has got air on its balaclavered face after the audacious rescue of Ingrid Betencourt and 14 other hostages. A secret plan was hatched involving men dressed

as Falk members convincing their captors to allow them to be moved to another Falk encounter in the forest so they just loaded the hostages onto the helicopter and flew away. Andy, this was not a good result for Falk. Letting your hostages onto the helicopter and flew away. And this was not a good result for fuck. Letting your hostages get away without a single shot being fired. Basically waving to them as they left in the helicopter. That is three stooges terrorism. There, they're a pretty big group, fuck.

And they got a lot of hostages. It's a very complex, I don't know if you ever tried to keep several hundred hostages in a jungle But you know logistically it's tricky. Yeah You're saying this with a really alarming bass note of authority. Yeah, I went to public school And that's American listens that is post school. Yeah public school in America is normal school I went to normal school right but you went to Post school private school private school. Yeah, yeah, and the odd administrative error. He's bound to happen, you know

I just hope far go easy on the guy responsible I do slightly assume that whoever was in charge of this When it happened has now himself been taken hostage and in other terrorist news now American president George W. Bush has signed a bill removing Nelson Mandela from the US terror watch list and he just signed that bill as well that to be pointed out that is just now yeah now I think I enough, you've got to do background checks.

Now these things do take time. We've got to do your research. Well, I think that might have been a big mistake here, Andy. Now, he was listed as a terrorist from his time with the ANC and rightly so, rightly so. And he needed to prove to the world that he was no longer a threat. And many of the world, myself included, Andy,

believe that we've done this too soon. Right. This is fallen straight into his trap. This is a great chance for him to commit the terrorism that he must have spent the whole time in jail planning. Thankfully, the US monitored him all this time because in many ways, it would have been the perfect plan to become democratic elected leader of your country, win a Nobel Peace Prize, turn 90 years old, get invited to America

and boom, is that easy? But I guess from the American perspective, you know, they would have found out that Mandela spent 27 years in jail. Yep, that's got to raise question marks about the man's character. And not just in any jail, a really high security one, John. So they clearly had to tread very carefully and no one can push that message of peace and racial harmony so strongly without having an ulterior motive. He should thank himself lucky. He wasn't sent to their free holiday camp in the corner of Cuba.

But the reason he has tipped over into the safe category is actually a physical one. He's no longer, they reckon he's no longer physically capable of doing any terracos. He hurt his ankle after falling over during a game of air hockey. Bullshit. There's no way, it's, if we like, that's start first seen in Willy Wonka as Gene Wilde comes out, looks old, then he does a some assault and he's fine. You wait. You wait. Man, that was in the South African Olympic gymnastic team. Is he? That's uh that is a gymnastics competition that I will now be watching. Some people say he got through just because of his contacts. Well let's let's let improve that on the beam. After one with a laugh mandellus, the prove is distracted.

It's attracted to tractors while apparently on the beam John. On the beam. What are you saying he's not only in the gymnastics team but he's also a woman. Don't they not do the beam? I don't do the beam. Why? Why don't they not do the beam? Because they do those rings and stuff. The rings and stuff. But why don't they do the beam? They feel the beam. It's girly. It's not girly. The gymnastics is girly. Can't you split in here? I've been said it's girly when he's holding himself on rings in a crucifix for this. Yeah but but they're wearing spandex, basically, at the time.

Good point. Your emails now, and thanks very much for the emails that have been coming in over the last two weeks, there have been some beauties. There's one here on the subject of Independence Day from Horatio L. Gertz, in response Andy to you and I revealing that it's neither of us recognised Independence Day. And I don't know what people should take that as a compliment. Independence what? Exactly. Good point. Dear John, and that other guy, Good Start. He goes on to say, you are the reason why we dumped all of your precious tea into the Boston Harbor, thus creating the first amusement park, Sunbrue, T-land, motto now with more

lobster. Good start to an email. That's not all that Massachusetts has dumped into the bay, after your tea, Bostonians have added to the ocean kettle, countless jars of British made marmalade, the ocean line of Titanic, whole teams of red socks and pieces of Morrissey's career. Woo-hoo! But back to you, you plural or y'all as we say in my home state of Texas, no little about American geography. There are 52 and a fifth, not 30 states. What? Guam Puerto Rico and Washington DC count as three fifths of a state each. Texas counts

as two. It's that big. So perv. Not that we're compensating for anything, he says. Texas was never a British colony and has never enjoyed tea. Thusly our independence is due not to the deranged stool samples and clock-fiddling habits of King George III. But to the fighting and heroic men and women who died so bravely and lost so quickly at the animal. Oh, wow. Stop unbelieving in our independence heroic men and women who died so bravely and lost so quickly at the end of home. Stop unbelieving in our independence or we'll just take away Britney Spears and I'll

pancake wrapped breakfast sausages. Believe or we will turn our back on you. Independently yours, Horatio. Big call. Has that changed your mind? Um, nobody sits, give me a little bit more respect for the US independence movement, but I still think it's wrong. Yeah, I agree this email comes from Nicholas Benio On the subject's second amendment outrage. He writes. Oh, it's another angry American Is there any other kind these days? Two weeks ago you brought up the supreme court ruling on handgun ownership. And I think you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, particularly you, John. What?

You thought it was hilarious to claim that you used a gun to feed yourself in the morning. That was a statement of fact. Oh, that's quite the rib-ticular, John. Even worse, you claimed it was a 44-millimeter handgun. Let's get one thing straight. The metric system is for putty. We use the American system here and you had to have met a .45 calibre. Oh god he's right. A 45 millimeter gun is a heavy artillery gun approximately 12

feet long. It weighs over 1200 pounds and has a muscle velocity of about 3000 feet per second. Surely even a circus strong man suffers your self-j yourself John, cannot hold a 1200 pound gun one handed whilst I'm out stretching around the end of the 12th of parallel to feed yourself. Even if you did John, this year the lost a team of the breakfast perito would have killed you instantly. And you insulted America by making the mistake, surely you will do the right thing and take the time next issue to apologize. You're going to apologize. Do you know what and I will apologize. I've been called on that and yes I will

apologize to Nicholas and America especially because I'm returning to America tomorrow and I'll be in America by the time the bug goes out. That's from NRA Goldmember Nicholas Benia. You may have just been bumped up to platinum. Quick email here from Liam Gladys who says hello guys, hello guys. He says I just hit February 08's first podcast when you were talking about Rudy Giuliani's campaign still accepting donations. So I figured I'd see if this was still the case and indeed it is.

You can still donate for Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign. Oh dear Liam. What do you, oh dear Liam What do you mean oh dear? Only rights that you should still be able to donate to Rudy's campaign He's a visionary man to be on the... who... who ran possibly the worst presidential campaign in history And he should be rewarded for that after the fact He should

And also, you know, if you are stupid enough to contribute to his campaign in the first place Presumably you're still stupid enough to contribute to it now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa podfurious. I don't think that's a title we want. I think that's appropriate. Speak me as self, Andy. Here I, firstly, let me congratulate you on a fantastically satisfactory pod cast. Thank you so much. Well, thanks having with boat, mate. Fantastically satisfactory. I would like to propose a nomination for HODY from history, and this one follows with a geological theme as a pine by volcano man. My nomination has for millennia been a kind, generous and supportive geological feature,

allowing countless men to pass through her moist and voluptuous openings. Although celebrated on numerous occasions in art, song and story, my subject is not perfect. Who is? Instead like all of us, it's her flaws that add to the attraction. While on one side her flanks are expansive and pure white, topped with lush and verdant greens, and dotted with settlements, full of happy and contented souls, cheerily whacking leather with willow.

Whoa! Her other flank is squalid and sullen, featuring with rat-like denizens and smelling faintly of cheese, the failure of socialism, and sorrady. Mug-con sorrady! I'm referring, of course course to the English Channel. What?

What? Since when do we accept bodies of water? Well, he's picking up on that volcano. Yeah, it's good. It's good. Although technically it does have to be dead to be a hot-y from history. Yeah, and the English Channel. The English Channel.

It's more alive than ever. So, gentlemen, I give you the English Channel. Surely the ultimate hotty and wetty from history. Oh God speed her and all who sail on her. That's excellent nomination and I really enjoy it hotty and wetty from history. But it has to be disqualified because it is still alive. You're right. You're right. So good nomination but nomination revoked and can we can we try and get the nominations human again? Well, you say that Andy you say that actually there was another nomination that came in this week

Did Andy and John but mainly Andy correct my nomination for Hoddy some history is my history teacher Mrs. Livesey She's the only reason I took up history in the first place But it may have been her weapons of mass distraction that made me fail. That would do you. Hardly not wish to just give you my name just in case she's listening. It's Matthew Baldwin. I think that's fair.

I think that's fair. I think that's fair. He also very generally sent us a photo of him and his history to him. Yeah, it's written this. No doubt she's a very attractive lady. Although it him and his history team. Yeah, it's right in this. Now doubt she's a very attractive lady. Although it has to be said in the picture and a attractive teacher holding a bottle of Budweiser.

That's a kind of maverick way to teach history. Obviously she's still alive and also let's say, let's cap it there in terms of hot history teachers. The of hot history teachers. . Sport now and Britain has finally won Wimbledon. Well done. Well done. Or be it's junior Wimbledon but in many ways that is actually the most important Wimbledon. It's much more important. Children has a future.

Well it's like Christmas isn't it? Yeah. It's always about the children more than the adults in terms of presents and that and Wimbledon is just a sign. That's right. And so the winner was Laura Robson who has now the hopes of the entire country on her 14-year-old, pretty few best-in-the-shoulders, hopes that to well almost certainly be dashed next year where she will be chastised and run out of the country as the greatest disappointment the Britain has ever had. So the press have been getting into a real spin, saying how it's very important that we don't put too much hope on her whilst doing exactly that. And of course, I guess the biggest thing, Andy, is that we don't want her to win. We want her to nearly win. Yeah, no, actually wants her

to win Wimbledon. No, because, you know, we all still want the junior wide on our stamps. In fact, we have a commemorative bugle pull-outs on Laura Robson. That unfortunately is now belatedly being put in the bin, including features such as Is Laura Robson proof that you can win at tennis without the unfair advantage of social deprivation? And by what score would Britain's new tennis legend of beaten Roger Federer had he been a 14-year girl. Football now and during the offseason in the summer transfer rumors have been hotting up as the new season approaches like a returning dragon to a village. The latest

on the rumor greatvine is that following all the rumors about Cristiano Ronaldo and Frank Lampard of Locomotive, West London, There are rumors that new rumors will soon be at large about some of the Premierships leading players. Stephen Gerard about whom there have been no rumors so far is rumoured to be about to be the subject of a new rumor. Whilst Arsenal's teenage sensation Theo Walcott is also reported to be on the verge of being involved in a major new rumor based on on a rumour in an Italian newspaper. So really exciting times for football rumours, John. That's really what the games all about these

days. That I don't know why they need to play anymore. Transfer, transfer gossip is really what football has become. Golf, the open championship is happening this week and the question on everyone's lips is can Tiger Woods win even without participating? Is his psychological holdover his fellow professional dullards sufficient that he will take the claret jug at a range of 8,000 miles? As Sergio Garcia is heading home on the final nine whole shone, surely there will be that nagging thoughts at the back of his mind that Tiger Woods could still beat him. Meanwhile Phil Mikkelson, the American left-hander and self-proclaimed discoverer of penicillin,

has claimed that he has already won the tournament. He said at a press conference yesterday, I had a vision from the prophet Elijah. He told me that I was already championing the eyes of God, and he also told me to keep my long eyes low in the wind. Ha, ha, ha. Good advice from Elijah. Very good advice.

So that's Link's girlfriend, Mikkelson's narrow really come to terms with. And now we have the section of the bugle which was once in the dark, distance, but glorious historical times of the bugle occupied by the audio cryptic crossword. This week's replacement is a game of noughts and crosses, audio noughts and crosses that will take place over the next nine editions of the bugle. No, no, no, no. I've got the first go and I'm putting my ex in the middle square. Tune in next week. Your John's response.

And finally the beautiful forecast section and following the exciting discovery last week of a cure for wedges. We will... What's up? I'm just interested enough. Just pull your kicks back down. We will be predicting what cure's going to be found this week, John. I think there's going to be a cure for lactose intolerance. Really? Just try to think about it too much and enjoy your yoga every now and then. I think there's going to be a cure for falling over and impaling yourself on a metal spike. Who wants the cure for that?

The cure for that is all over body armour. Well, thanks once again for listening to The Ble, do keep your emails cascading into the bugle at signsonline.co.uk and we will be back next week. I'm coming back America, could you give me a lift from the airport? I'm the half of Britain John, good riddance and f*** off. Bye! Bye!