The Bugle - PEACE is among us! (for now)

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

On this week's issue of the Bugle, Andy is joined in person by Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard, as the three jump into this week's news, from the 47th President's birthday celebrations, to Elon Musk's record breaking wealth. Plus UK news as Andy Burnham sets up for a leadership coup and Ugly shark news as scientists discovery a new 'odd' looking species. All this and more in issue 4383 of The Bugle! 🎂 Trump's Birthday: The Bugle catch up on the 80th birthday of US President Donald Trump 📱 World's 1st Trillionaire: The trio delve into Elon Musk's record breaking wealth following the launch of Space X 🦈 Ugly Shark News: Andy, Nish and Tom discuss the latest scientific discovery of the world's ugliest shark! Donate to Emilia: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/p/a-safe-accessible-home-for-emiliaAndy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Nish Kumar's Links: https://www.nishkumar.co.uk/Tom Ballard's Links: https://tomballard.com.au/ 🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,383 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zaltzman, recording here in London on the 15th of June 2026, right at the beginning of a new age of eternal global peace. Subject to conditions, eternity may not be eternal, global may not encompass entire globe, peace may involve war. I am here in London where peace, like most things, was, of course, invented by the British and exported joyously around the world, I think. My history's a bit sketchy on that. But no one has yet disagreed with me, so we'll crack on. And joining me live, alive, and in as many dimensions as you can shake a stick at, here with me in the studio on this beatificly god-given day of serene rejoicery,

two people who love nothing more than an everlastingly harmonious and just planet. Tom Ballard and Nish Kumar. Yay! Welcome both of you. What a day. Hello, Andy. Hello, buglers. A huge day.

I can taste peace, Andy. And it tastes a lot like toothpaste. I've recently brushed me. my teeth. I don't know whether the two things are connected. Yeah. Well, you never do these days, do you? Bloody earth. Peace be upon you. Yeah, thanks very much, Tom.

Is that what we say on the day? I believe so. That's what we say every day. Welcome to the Northern Hemisphere. Thank you so much. You got here a couple of weeks ago, I think. I've been here for a few months. Yes, yes. I was going to fly here via Dubai, but because of all the peace,

I had to redirect to Singapore. That was a peace transition, but I've been to Ireland and now in beautiful London, telling my jokes and celebrating peace. That's good. How are you going to mark this history? I'll be celebrating peace the way I celebrate any major outbreak of peace, Andy. I'll be shooting guns up in the air on the roof of my house. That's how I mark every celebration.

And what I would say is, I don't want to docks us too much, but you live worryingly close to me. I would urge you and your family to stay indoors tonight because I will be shooting guns like, it's the purest celebration of peace because what you're saying when you fire guns in the air is I no longer need these bullets. And so I can empty the...

them into the sky because I don't have to shoot them at whoever we were currently at war at. Given the slightly straightened nature of the UK's defence budget at the moment, is that a wise use of resources? No, we should be harvesting these bullets, but I'll be shooting them in the air regardless. It's like we have a big party and you give some of leftover food to people on the street. You know, you're like, that's going to be me out of the retractable roof of my house. It could have a retractable roof of peace. It was originally for orgies, Andy. It was originally to bring an Alfresco air to all the mass humping that takes place in my house.

Showbiz is or showbiz was. It's so clearly a joke because I have to be honest with you that even a threesome would multiply my total number of people slept with by an embarrassing amount. Do you think of virgins ever made their debut at an orgy?

Surely not. No, listen, you know, in many ways like, Cresencio Somerville, has only recently been picked for the Dutch international football team and he's immediately been thrown into a World Cup. But he had played football. He had played football before.

Well, listen, presumably the Virgin has masturbated before. So there's some kind of experience has been accrued. I don't remember that reading of the Bible about the early... Any look, let's... The main thing is there's peace, Heddy. The main thing is there's peace. It's an orgy of peace. There's so much peace.

We literally don't know what to do with it. I'm covered in peace. More on this later. We are recording on the 15th of June, 2026, which is World Nature Photography Day. So have you guys photographed any bits of nature yet to mark this special day? No, but I do, my favourite ever nature photograph was taken by, and people listening to this podcast, I think we'll probably be familiar with this,

or certainly some of them. David Beckham's son, Brooklyn Beckham, has had sort of various... I will say, I almost respect the boy's inability to benefit at all from his parents' privilege. He's tried various careers. It's never worked out for him. There's something likable to me about an unsuccessful Nepo baby.

I'm sort of charmed by him. But at one point, he did have a photography book, like a coffee table photography book release, and in it featured an out-of-focus picture of an elephant, under the caption, Elephants, beautiful to look at, but hard to photograph. And so that's my entry

for greatest nature photograph on this of all days. So that's got to be right up there. I mean, I admire the diversity of Beckham Jr's portfolio. That puts him... He's basically the Michelangelo of the 21st century,

as far as I'm concerned. Breath of things he's attempted. He's a Michelangelo of failure. So anyway, to mark World Nature Photography Day, obviously it's a bit difficult on what is just an audio newspaper, even though it's now filmed through devices like whatever I'm pointing at now. I remember when all this was fields. We have some audio nature photographs for you to conjure up in your mind,

including a brightly coloured frog on a leaf, thinking about whether it prefers water or land, the curse of the amphibian, mountain vulture, crapping off a cliff to see if it can hit a car window from a height of 2,000 feet. A cod and a potato plotting their revenge on the fish and chips industry.

A sad polar bear perusing the window display of an estate agent, dreaming one day of owning its own home again, and a blushing semi-priapic whale saying, sorry for the misunderstanding to a submarine. Those are your nature photographs. Semi-priapic whale

Donald Trump's Secret Service Code now. It's a real mouthful. It's almost like they're trying to get the guy in trouble. Semi-privile. Has been harpooned. Has been harpooned. And as always, a section of the bugler is going straight in the bin. This week we have, well, it's in the bin, but I do encourage you all to audio-read it.

It's a charity update section. Thanks to everyone who responded to last week's appeal to contribute to help Amelia, the four-year-old daughter of my friend Will, a long-term bugler who way back in 2008 when he worked at a cricket web, website asked me to write a cricket blog that opened a door which led to me now being paid to watch and talk about international cricket and by coloured felt it pens in my 50s. His daughter Amelia has Down syndrome. She's already been through a hell of a lot in her life including two heart operations, the first at six months and then in March this year a severe

stroke as a result as well as increased care and physiotherapy needs. Will and his partner having to modify their home for Amelia's changed needs in life and I'm calling upon all you buglers who are able to and many of you have already to confront. whatever you can to help go to help amelia.com the link is in the show notes there'll be there's more details there on amelia and will and their family and how your generosity will help them cope with what life has thrown their way so thanks to those who have contributed already and thanks in advance to all of you are about to do so anyway that section is in the bin but please do fish it out of the bin that's in the that's in the bin can't be in the bin andy it's in the

bin. It cannot be in the fucking bin. Okay, it's in the bin, but you know, you can take bits out of the bin. No, don't do that either. It's a metaphor or literally. Okay, I've taken it out of the bin. Just forget the bin. It's an official... It's an official... Lovely section.

It's an official... It's an official... It's just section. It's just section. Okay? It's just section. The official section of the bin this week is Nish Kumar's Orgy Guys. That's the official... Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that.

One of these fucking people is going to make that book cover. And you can also... Nishkavaz Orgy, all to celebrate nature photography. It's a coffee table book of some of my best orders. One of these people is going to make that. Oh, God. The point is, help amelia.com is the website.

Top story this week, as well as global peace, we are now charting the rich and powerful's quest to destroy us all. Continuing updates on that throughout the next. a couple of thousand years or however long it takes. But let's look at it this week. Before we maybe turn back to thoughts of just how awesome it is to live in a peaceful world. Donald Trump turned 80 this weekend, which, I don't know, when you think of, I mean, that's basically, what's that, Jimmy Hendrix plus Janice Joplin plus, I don't know, Jim Morrath.

Kirk, Cobain, I think. I think we're almost on the verge. What we're trying to do is multiply 27 by 3. And I think what you come to, I believe from that is 81. 81, yes. And so we are, Trump is a year away from being Jimmy, Janice and Kurt, all put together. And I think we can all agree. His contribution has been equivalent.

That's not a qualitative judgment. His contribution has merely been equivalent to the contribution. of those three groundbreaking musical pioneers. Donald Trump has done something equivalent to the three of them in terms of size. Qualitatively, that's for history to judge. That's for history to judge. He celebrated as, you know, as you would.

Yeah. Who's you in that sentence, Andrew? You, I guess I'm putting myself in the mind of the octogenarian contrarian. The crumbling grumbler, the mumbling fumbler, the Igor Stravinsky of egotistical senescence. He's aging, but he's still raging. He's over the hill with a far away look at his eye.

And he's celebrated not only his birthday, but America's 250th birthday. Sure. By watching people fight in a cage on his back lawn. And, you know, who lets any of us who've celebrated an 80th birthday without doing that cast the first don't, I guess. I mean, it's, I guess the problem when someone like Trump, has a birthday. I mean, what do you get for the man who has everything and wants everything else? Tom, I know you're a massive fan of mixed martial arts fighting and of the gardens of famous historical buildings, such as the White House. So this is something right in your...

Together at last, then. This is what happens when media organisations are not adequately funded. We end up in a situation where the bugle now has an MMA slash gardening correspondent. Well, it's me, baby, and I'm excited. Yes, nothing says American freedom, like hypercapitalist corporate sponsorship and getting bashed in the face, Andy.

Fuck you, Maya Angelou. I don't care why the cage bird sings. After all, birds and singing are woke and gay. I don't care why the cage UFC fighters fight. The main thing is, they're fucking fighting, and that makes me feel alive, and it makes me rock hard. And if you're not rock hard

while watching these half-naked men touch each other so hard that liquid starts gushing out of them, well, guess what? You're on American. We hold these truths to be self-evident that dudes rock And as Americans, we believe in life, Liberty and the pursuit of brain damage.

Woo! Trump 2028! That's what I think about it. Oh, good. Thanks for putting out so succinctly. You're welcome. Do you think Trump's really into it? Because he's a big Broadway guy, of course.

He loves the musicals. Of course, we know he's gone to Broadway a lot. So, I don't know, I guess there are some Broadway-slash-U-S-FC fans out there. But he said that, like the Kennedy said, needs to bring back non-woke musicals. I guess this is what he meant. UFC fights on the White House floor? Yeah, I think by non-woke musicals,

I think he means rewrite existing musicals. Like, the sound of music will now be exclusively from Rolf's perspective. How hard it was as a young member of the Hittler Youth. When you're trying to bang a girl who's 16 going on 70 and her leftist father has a problem with the Nazi party. Yeah. Yes, it was Donald Trump's birthday, and he celebrated by staging a UFC fight on the lawn of the White House.

Obviously, the important details are that there were a lot of incredibly wealthy people present. Mark Zuckerberg was present. I believe the Winklevoss twins were present. So it was a sort of social network reunion to promote the impending Alan Sorkin directed and written sequel. But yeah, they were there. And also it's really important to note that the whole event was a real celebration of America. And as a celebration of America, it was available to the American people as long as they paid for a Paramount Plus subscription. Paramount Plus is, of course, one of the streaming services owned by prominent Trump ally Larry Ellison.

And in the last few days, the US Department of Justice has said that it won't be investigating the proposed takeover of Warner Brothers by Ellison. So again, there's a lot going on here. Katie Zacharia, who's a former spokesperson at the Department of Homeland Security and a conservative commentator, said that the BBC told the BBC that the event could appeal to young men and send a message of policies with masculinity in response to what she termed the softness introduced by the hard left. And it does not get any tougher than watching other people have a fight. She said it's not about giving up the fight until the bitter end. I think there's no better summation of the American ethos than a good UFC fight.

And in some terms, she is correct. For buglers listening to this and not seeing any footage of it, I'm wearing a Bruce Springsteen t-shirt. I went to see Bruce Springsteen in LA earlier this year, and the sort of thought occurred during the gig that Springsteen is in many ways the kind of opposite of Trump. He's the sort of incarnation of the most positive values of America as a nation, and maybe values that it could aspire towards.

And that kind of aspirational idea runs throughout his music and his politics. Trump is the sort of incarnation of the worst ethos of America, And in many ways, a UFC fight on the South Lawn does summarise a lot of pretty key American values in that it was a celebration of capitalism, violence and had shades of homophobia in its justification and refused to acknowledge the existence of women. But you're tasting that and you're thinking there's one key ingredient missing from this soup. It's something that doesn't quite set off the flavours that were already in place. And then one of the fighters, Josh Hockett, said into a microphone, Michelle Obama is a man. And that was it. It was exactly what you needed.

A bit of racism to truly make it an American concoction. Josh Hockett was being interviewed after the fight by Joe Rogan, who whilst we're in terms of the realms of the Christ versus Antichrist, is very much the anti-Zaltzman. A man who used podcasting to become a kind of laundering service for fascism, whereas what Andy did was launch a podcast at a similar point to Joe Rogan and used it as a way to get involved

in cricket statistics. Hockett said you know what, Friott speech, shout out to Trump for having the balls to put some shit like this on. I mean, shout out the balls. He also has the executive power

to put this shit on. And also he said, if I'm going to say anything, there's only one person more incredible, The Incredible Hulk, and that is my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. What addition of the Bible do these cunts

read? He just hung around with a little fit young Yeah, but I do wonder, because in the 90s, the Gideons used to leave Bibles in hotel rooms. Was there a special adjusted version that was left in all the rooms on

Epstein's Island? That said stuff like, listen, at the end of the day, it's all about getting money and being racist. Because immediately after he's that he just said into the microphone, Michelle Obama is a man, which is, you know, both misogynist and racist as all plays into the long-standing

trope of black women. I think got a little bit of transphobia chucking. Yeah, it's actually got a bit of transphobia wheels. Well, it really is the Swiss Army knife of prejudice. It just, as a single phrase, it manages to sort of encapsulate so many different forms of prejudice. And the Guardian reported that it marred the event.

Now, my only issue with that is, This event was pre-mard. This event was conceptually marred. It's like saying... It was M-O-A. Yeah, it was M-O-A. You know, you don't mar a shit by doing another shit on it. But yeah, it was sort of deeply unpleasant and racist.

And listen, I've said variations of this at various points on this podcast. The American Empire is deep into its horse-fucking area. And having a bunch of people fight and occasionally, just say racist, homophobic, sexist and transphobic things for the entertainment of some of the richest people that have ever lived shows that Trump really, when people talk about his political influence, we don't spend enough time focusing on his real political influence, Marie Antoinette.

And I don't know if you've seen any close-up pictures of his hands recently, but this motherfucker has some of the worst hands in human history. And there is clearly some weird bruising that is being covered up by a lot of the same makeup that Marie Antoinette used. And all we can do as a species is prey. It's lead-based, and that thing does what it does best. Because the problem with America reaching this, as you historically describe it, horse-fucking stage, is I think a lot of people involved would see that as some form of eugenics.

Look, so, MMA, it's not my thing, UFC. Congratulations. You've managed to invent a sport even Andy Zaltzman won't much. I like a lot of sports. I've laid those. cards firmly and repeatedly on numerous tables over the years. For the uninitiated,

UFC is like a cross between golf and snooker but nothing like either of those two things with people in underpants smashing each other's heads in instead of applying infinitesimally varied amounts of spin to manoeuvre the cue ball with a level of hones over decades and people writhing around on the ground trying to inflict pain

and unconsciousness on each other instead of spending two minutes sizing up how to hit their next shot. and then getting angry when someone in the crowd slightly coughs. So, similar but different, I guess. Some people don't like it. Senator John McCain once labeled M.A. Human cockfighting, which I think is unfair to the cognitive capacity of roosters. Yes, roosters have very small brains,

but unlike Connemagher, they do understand basic concepts like object permanence and consent. Conno McGregor appeared via video. Oh, wonderful. So there was a man who, in an Irish civil court, was a convicted sex offender. And that really is the full Ding Ding Ding

Trump fruit machine Three Cherries It was yeah I was great to see these young You know Sex criminals You know Beaming in to pay tribute

To the elder Sex pest as well Yeah I'm actually sick of the woke left Trying to cancel people For committing sexual violence I'm actually sick of this leftist cabal That is trying to rid public life Of people that keep molesting people

The match was apparently meant to celebrate the American fighting spirit and I think that's important because the American fighting spirit has had a bit of a rough trot lately particularly when we put up against the Vietnamese fighting spirit the Iraqi fighting spirit

the Taliban fighting spirit the Iranian fighting spirit and the fighting spirit of declining adult life expectancy and infant mortality rates I think Trump should be organising an event to pay tribute to the American losing spirit as well

you know which could perhaps just be a massive screen to the White House showing a documentary about Chinese infrastructure I mean look people have been fighting each other in similar ways

to what was seen in the heck hexagon or octagon it's the oxigan yeah yeah yeah it's also known as the claw I believe the claw yeah people have been fighting each other in similar ways ever since they realized that they had a better chance of winning fights against other humans and for example against bears crocodiles saber tooth tigers teerexes and plagues of rats so this is where I guess

UFC stands in the history of human culture UFC stands for ultimate fighting championship ultimate We doesn't mean what it once did, as there have now been in hundreds of the events. And UFC, also by the purest of coincidence, is the most used acronym for President Trump in the English-speaking world. It's a little fact there.

Polling showed that only 16% of... It's nice when you let them finish it. There's an elegance to it. It's like Ali holding back the final punch from Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle. It's just a nice little lovely. Polling showed that only 16% of Americans believed it was appropriate to hold

the UFC event on the White House lawn. But you can't spell inappropriate without I appropriate. And that is what Trump has done with the buildings of American history and politics. He knocked down the White House East Wing, of course, famously to build a ballroom so over the top

that it's basically walking straight towards enemy machine gunfire whilst trying to avoid all the barbed wire mud and shatter. Sorry, I went with the wrong type of over the top there. And basically legalised trying to smash the Capitol building to pieces. So, look, 16% is also, in terms of popularity for things he's done, is relatively high at the moment. It's a great numbers. Someone's reading that, but it's like, great news, double figures.

Yeah, it's also important to remember that Trump, the Trump family has historically had a lot of financial interest in UFC, and Dana White, who's the sort of person in charge of the whole operation, is a very, very close Trump highlight. So it was, you know, and I think Americans can console themselves as, inflation continues to increase and the cost of, you know, buying groceries or filling your car up with petrol skyrockets. That a borderline, senile old shit had a nice birthday. You know, you could sort of, you could just keep consoling yourself of that, Americans.

Well, the peace deal, I mean, there can be no greater, you know, birthday gift from the president to the world. even to stop bombing you than this wonderful peace deal which is the report said it's expected to be signed in Geneva on Friday and we are recording on Monday so yeah that seems like a long time away yeah question is a long time in politics

an hour is a year in Trump land questions remain the report continued over the Strait of Hormuz the Lebanon conflict and Iran's nuclear program which is all of the major things apart from that though So there's a few little gaps. I mean, it might be one of those peace deals that isn't really a deal and doesn't really produce peace.

But time, the smug, no, all that it is, will tell. Whether anyone's listening to what time tells, I guess time will also tell. And Trump marked the announcement of this impending deal by saying, let the oil flow as it was doing before he started the war. But this newly fluent oil will be imbued with the added joy of peace and will therefore give up to 40% more distance to the average car journey. So do factor that in when you're planning your journeys. You'll end up way beyond where you're intending to go.

Fun fact, I believe that's what Moses originally said, and he was misheard when he said, let my people go. I'm like, what? Oh, oil, sorry. Yeah, one of the key details around this is Iran's ability to produce a nuclear weapon. And Trump has repeatedly said that the, uranium could never be used by the military. He said that they could never go beyond a certain amount. And this would be historic if it wasn't also exactly the same situation

as Iran was in when it first ratified the nuclear nonproliferation treaty in 1970 and then reaffirmed that agreement on the first page of the Obama-era deal with Iran. Trump has said that it can't go over a certain amount. But when he was asked, according to the New York Times, that if the limit was the same as the Obama-era agreement, which limits in Richmond 3.67%, which means it's only usable in power reactors, not weaponry. He said that the new accord would assure that they can only enrich for non-military purposes forever.

So it's exactly the fucking same. Also, in terms of regime change, they killed the Ayatollah, and now the new person in charge is the Ayatollah son. So these changes are at best cosmetic. In 1968, Mars actually decided to change the name of the sweet opal fruits to starburst. And that cosmetic change was achieved without a military incursion. And the Trump administration's peace accord and the status quo we find ourselves in is essentially the geopolitical equivalent of changing opal fruits to starburst.

And he's had to blow up a hell of a lot more people to get there. And I think does that make Trump less competent than a confectionery company? Of course it fucking does. Of course it does. In other rich, powerful people attempting to destroy humanity news, Elon Musk has become the world's first trillionaire, depending on how you measure it, and I guess whether you give a shit about these things.

SpaceX had a, well, spectacular initial public offering, which is something to do with stock markets, I don't know a bit out of the loop. Cricket scenes on, and I'll snout down in a spreadsheet, to be honest. I think the fact that you're aware of the peace deal is huge. I think everyone who's been listening to this podcast for a long time will know the very fact that we've managed to get Andy to engage with the fact that anything has happened apart from the current

England-New Zealand Test Cricket series is really mind-blowing stuff. Well, I mean, part of that is because, I can't remember if I mentioned this on the bugle before, but I bought this newspaper from 1953. I've got a picture of it here. And on the right-hand side, it's the evening standard. On the right hand side, Shah's men seize power.

Mossadegh flees after a coup, according to the radio, and on the left-hand side, England win the ashes. So, you know, that was, you know, cricket and stuff going on in Iran. And so I need to keep a track of whether there is a direct correlation between what's happening in Testamatch Cricket

and the political situation. I have a responsibility to keep my phone. fingers on that particular. Do you think the CIA was involved in winning the ashes? Yeah, I think they might have been. Just for people who aren't going to be able to see this, I should just clarify, the ratios on the front page are two-thirds cricket to one-third coup in Iran. And that, more than anything else, I feel, I've never felt stronger like I'm looking directly at Andy's ultimate brain.

Yeah, my brain was a newspaper in 1953. Also the best meal in London That's right It's exactly your brain Cricket news food It's your equivalent of the Gareth Bailside that says Wales Gulf Madrid

Anyway the point is SpaceX is well it's IPO has done tremendously well and Elon Musk's total net worth is now estimated at $1.1 trillion according to Bloomberg. So look, I mean, will this change Elon at all?

Maybe breaking through that much coveted trillion dollar barrier, will that bring him an added level of humility and a sense of perspective about... Listen, obviously, I think it would be very easy for me to sit here and say, I don't believe trillionaires should exist. But as we know, that is full-blown comedy. That is absolutely full-blown comedy.

I haven't read the comedy's manifesto, but I'm pretty sure on day one it says no trillionaires. No trillion unless they mean well. Unless they mean well. So Elon Musk is now personally richer than every country in the world apart from 21 countries. And this status means that he's now reached a level

of wealth, that he is now going to be hosting the 2038 World Cup in his body. And the World Cup final in that year will be played on his big ass forehead. Yes, his wealth is now similar to the entire annual economic output of Switzerland. Musk and Switzerland are considered to be in a dead heat when it comes to friendliness towards Nazis, though. Although Musk is expected to overtake the Swiss any day now. Obviously, he's the first one. First person to become a chillionaire, and I'm very sorry he beat you to it, Andy.

You should not have added that extra show in Chiswick. I think that's what. We've absolutely f***ed it by not floating the bugle on the stock market. We absolutely should have been. The bugles' initial public offering could have been, I mean, it could have been in the Brazilians. Yeah. I mean, they would have had to invent a new number for it. Yeah.

I will say it has been a bit of a struggle for me because I do find it deeply frustrating when news like this happens. and news organisations feel the need to contextualise it by saying if you laid a trillion hot dogs on top of each other, you would reach Venus. I already know that a trillion... The only infographic I require with this news is the current state of the guillotine industry. That's the only thing that I recall.

I don't require... I know that that's way too much money. I just need to know where are the current artisanal guillotine makers? I guess what I would say is, you know, a trillion is a lot. I mean, to put it in context. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here comes the infographic.

He could give a million dollars to half a million randomly selected people around the world, and he'd still have half a trillion dollars. But what I want to know, if he chose to spend that, and it's like 1.1 trillion, so actually he could spend a trillion, and he'd still have, what is that, 110 billion. left, how far into space that could get him on one of his own rockets in terms of like, I don't know what a space S rocket does in terms of dollars per kilometer, but I feel like we could get him a comfortingly long way away. It depends.

It's like Uber as a surge price. I can't imagine the gas per mile is great on the SpaceX rocket. Obviously the thing, the response that, you know, Musk's inexpressant. applicable defenders will give is that he doesn't technically have a trillion dollars. All of this is based on projected stock market value. So it's, and even the projected stock market value, the kind of value of the shares that he owns, is based on the hypothetical promise that SpaceX will get us to Mars. So this is imaginary money based on something that hasn't happened.

But he has been sort of talking all of this up. And he said this week, whoever you are watching this, SpaceX wants to be able to take you to the moon, take you to Mars and ultimately beyond. And listen, I think I speak for everyone here where I say I would like to get to Birmingham much cheaper from London. That would actually be more of a promise to me. Actually having a – and I mean, as anyone who's tried to travel in America by train knows, we'd love to just be able to travel easily between New York and Chicago. Like it's just a cheap, low-cost, vast trade would actually probably impact more people's lives.

than space. That is a dangerously communist whatever. Perilous communism. Communism has always had an earth bias. Yeah, yeah.

And also part of the problem is we do need to go and colonise Mars because as we know it is, the red planet. It's quite literally made of communism. I mean, in terms that SpaceX as a company, it makes significant annual losses. Its income isn't particularly high.

That's right. And it's devastating about. for the environment, which is pretty much the treble 20 of stock market fluctuations, I think. You can see why people rate it so highly and think there's so much money to be made from it. It's very grandiose, isn't it? It's stated in the IPO

prospectus, the mission of SpaceX is to build the systems and technologies necessary to make life multi-planetary, to understand the true nature of the universe, and to extend the light of consciousness to the stars. And this contrast is one of Musk's other companies, the social media site X, whose mission is to build the systems and technologies

is necessary to insert more swastikas into AI child porn videos. And that's ironic, isn't it? Bringing consciousness to the stars, when you put that against the UFC fight, which is to remove consciousness from the stars of a pugilistic world. SpaceX said its future growth and success is based in large part on building what it refers to as the lunar economy. What's that, Andy? You want a full moon every month? In this lunar economy? In 1970, the poet and musician Gil Scott Herod released a song Whitey on the Moon.

And it was about how, you know, the US had committed so hard to the space race whilst leaving its own people at home impoverished. And I do feel like somebody's got to get out there and get a new version of Whitey on the moon called Pino in Space. Because with the Epstein classes move into multi-planetary travel, This opens up whole new avenues for whole nonce planet. The only tragedy of this is Geoffrey did not live long enough because he was killed by insert name of person here. It is a real shame that he's not lived long enough to get his own Pido Planet.

I'm going to reassess my interpretation of Whitey on them. I always thought it was a song about Jack Farmer White, the left-arm spinner from Somerset. He played such a key role in England's 1988, 28-9, Ash's Fitzhift. on Australia. Anyway. Fricket. Dinner's

news in that order. I looked at the SpaceS website and it's a space Twitter website now. And there was a quote from Musk saying you want to wake up in the morning and think the future is going to be great. Yes, Elon.

I remember that feeling before fuckers like you came in. Everyone's all like oh Elon did it. He's the world's first trillionaire. Just to remind it, when he was writing Trump Department of Government Efficiency, Musk was responsible for the closure of the US Agency of International Development,

which the Lancet Medical General predicts will cause more than 14 million additional deaths by 2030. And I consider that to be cheating, okay? It's a lot easier to become the first human being valued a trillion dollars if you're also removing a cheeky 14 million competitors from the field. There's nothing against it in the rules. UK news now and, well, the Labor government

continues to shed ministers. The somewhat leprotic Starmar regime has lost a couple more members. Defence Secretary John Healy and Defence Minister Al Kahn's have resigned due to the insufficient funding that the UK is giving

to its military budget. I mean the defence budget the moment I think is around £60 billion per year and obviously that needs to be higher otherwise the Russians will simply divert all their military firepower from their grinding half decade long campaign of military in Ukraine to invade Norfolk instead. It needs to raise

up to anything, I would say up to 200 trillion if we want to lead the world with our British intergalactic space battalions and our AI-powered mosquito inspired microdrones small enough to fly at Vladimir Putin's nose and inject psychotropic drugs into his frontal cortex to make him hallucinate that he's a 1960s

hippie and wants global peace and love. So we do need to invest more niche. I know you've been disappointed as to have reached, how old are you now? 40, 41? Yeah, nearly 41, yeah. Without a single World War to

Not even a flicker of a single World War. Apart from when you tally it up, it has been a full World War. When you actually tally up all the wars that have happened in my lifetime. But in terms of you know, your generation... It's a career slam. It's a career slam of World Wars rather than a single season grand slam.

But, you know, if you'd just been born in, you know, I don't know, 80, 90 years early, you've had a much better poetry career for sure, just from having lived through a couple of... As it is, my war poems suck. These guns are big. Holy hell. It's not even a full hyacu. It's terrible. It's a hike.

Like an acrostic poem. Yeah, just the word war. Wow. Another round. Keist Tauber has defended the hard-edged decisions he's made. Now, the use of the phrase hard-edged does suggest one of the decisions is, it's all swords. We've gone full.

We've gone back to Oldsburg. And listen, we had a better record of sword-based horse. We've actually had a bit more of, a lot of our problems have happened in the gun era. So maybe we just need to take kick it old school and go back to full swords. I mean, listen, there have been a lot of wranglings about our defence. budget but also the important background to this is that Kirstama is in the Celine Dion phase of his Titanic Premiership. He's in the full near far wherever you are phase. There's a big by-election happening on Thursday which is our equivalent of a special election because a Labour

MP has stepped aside to allow the current mayor of Manchester Andy Burnham to stand and the presumption is that he is standing so that he can get a seat in Parliament so that he can challenge Darwin for leadership. So it is almost a disservice to the unwell duck community to deem Stama a lame duck at this point. And there is a sense that people now, it's very possible that these ministers have resigned as a genuine serious protest against the defence budget

or the proposals in changes to the defence budget. But it seems more like they're sort of hopping off the side. They're hopping off the side and trying to jostle with Kate Winslet for space on that arm-wise. So in terms of The duck status Are we talking Just lining himself up with some

Like thinly sliced bits of cucumber and spring onion It's incredible to Immediately know where something is going When it comes out of Just I mean given the amount of Let's be honest Peking and Beijing ducks You and I have shed

At various Chinese restaurants in London As soon as you started on that I thought this is going to end wrapped up in a thin pancake with some hoistin sauce Talk about what you know Yeah Starma is hanging in the window of a China town restaurant currently

I don't like Okay so they're upset that they're not for spending enough money on a defence to defend and protect the UK from threats What What threats I know it's a bit rich coming from an Australian But no one thinks about you bro

The empire is over Nothing works here You don't have anything of value you, no one's coming to evade or attack you. Britain isn't a target. It's an embarrassment. Okay? You need to relax. The leading cause of death in the UK isn't terrorism or Russia or China. It's dementia.

Okay? 70,000 deaths a year. And there was a big study in 2023, finding that a Mediterranean diet could be really effective in protecting people against developing dementia. So that's all. You don't need to increase the defence budget. Just spend the current budget on buying pensioners, loads of prawn and Hulumi. And you're done. You're safe.

First of all, Tom, you've shown your total lack of awareness of the tense geopolitical situation we find ourselves in. And you've also shown a complete lack of awareness of our internal politics. We voted leave so that we wouldn't have to eat a Mediterranean diet. We voted leave so we wouldn't have to have the woke nonsense of grilled fish and raw salad.

No, you voted leave because you're all got fucking dimension. So in terms of the defence budget, I'd say it's around 60 billion. and to double it, to say 120 billion, it's hard to know where the money could come from. According to the Times Rich List, recently released in 2026, the combined wealth of Britain's 350 richest people

is only 784 billion pounds. So there's... Pussy shit. There's not enough anywhere to find an extra 60 billion pounds from anything without anyone noticing any indiscernible change in anything of what they wouldn't notice.

If all of those valued at over the six billion pounds of wealth in last year's Times Rich List, if they all decided to club together and treat Britain to an extra 60 billion pounds worth of military-grade drones just for shits and giggles, the poorest of those people would be left with only five billion pounds, which is not really enough to be getting on with, so that is definitely off the caveat-laden table. But luckily, there are other more reliable sources of funding,

including the poor, who are traditionally less good at shielding their monies away, and the future, where people are so generous beyond their means with the bounties that they bestow on. So I guess those are the options to be able to. Yeah, I believe it's a current policy in the reform manifesto or the reform manifesto that's being worked on to supplement the UK's military budget

by launching people on benefits out of cannons at enemy combatants or dropping them from drones. That's the first rule of war, isn't it? You've got to use what technology and equipment you have available to you. Kees Stammer's rejected the idea is not doing enough for defence. In fact, in an interview with the BBC,

he pointed to cuts to overseas aid as evidence that he was able to make difficult decisions to increase spending on defence. Ah, yes, the famously politically difficult decision of cutting overseas aid. You know how much the public and the capitalist class how angry they get when you cut overseas aid? That's a real can of worms,

which presumably is what a lot of people overseas living in extreme poverty will now have to leave. Of course, cutting the aid budget to fund the military, that's really just a reallocation of funding, which still does get to the same point. brown people. It's just when it comes through defense it arrives considerably quicker. I guess the question is how in the year 2026 after everything we went through as a species in the 20th century and all the lessons we should have learned is how the fuck have we reached the point where

we need to be spending so much money on defence and globally there are no answers to this apart from stopping all men from going into politics. Other than that there are no answers to it. Testosterone is the single biggest obstacle to global. Testosterone and God, and a combination of the two, doesn't work for us. You've forgotten the most important. People keep thinking that the phrases never forget in conjunction with events like the Second World War,

but that's not the whole phrase. The whole phrase is never forget, but don't learn. Never forget, also don't remember the details. Never forget, don't understand. That's history, baby. In terms of the by-election you mentioned, the McEfield by-election, which could return Andy Burnham to Parliament,

it would be quite funny if he got back to Parliament and didn't launch a leadership challenge, he said, no, I just really want to be a local. All this time fixing the pot-house. So the story here is that that area has voted quite strongly in favour of Nigel Farage's Reform UK Party recently, but the right-wing vote is being split with Restore Britain,

which is a fringe splinter offshard from Nigel Farage's Reform UK. It's a skin mark to reforms turd. And of course, Reform UK is already a viral mutation of the Brexick Party, which popped alien-like from the belly of the UK Independence Party, which plopped from the primordial swamp as the unwanted love child of failed conservatism

and nostalgia-addled foe patriotism. So that's the story of how Restore Britain came into being. It's basically for those who don't think, Raj is quite deluded enough. Yeah, yeah. And his policies don't damage the country quite enough. Restore Britain is offering an alternative even more deranged option. So that could split the right-wing vote, which could end up helping Labour candidate Andy Burnham,

which could end up damaging the Labour government still further by accelerating the demise of Stama, causing the instability which could help Farage to exploit and then exacerbate political chaos as he loves to do, which could then help restore Britain as reform UK's prime resident parasite, which could then help Labour by splitting the right... I've forgotten who's benefiting for this. I'm going to launch, I think this is the future now. We've just got to launch sci-op style fake right week. I'm going to launch a party called repeat, which suggests there's nothing wrong with British history,

and we just need to repeat it. And our policies will be, obviously, I will deport myself on day one. Everyone gets deported if you're not white. In fact, even if you are white, but your surname is black or brown, you're out of here. You're on the first plane. All about, how am I doing on this one? Oh, very badly, Andrew.

Very, very badly. Very, very badly. Obviously, Jews are on the list. We're taking Jews, blacks, browns, Chinese. Any Chinese affiliates, you're all gone. Anyone who's surname is black or brown. You're all gone. Anyone who owns a rap CD.

Gone. You're out of here. The eventual aim is to deport everybody apart from the king. That's it. That's the eventual aim of the. this political party. His family are relative newcomers, to be honest. I mean...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, actually, they're German. Get rid of them as well. Get rid of them as well. And also, we're going to invest in a big saw and saw Scotland and Wales off. Because we've had it enough with those Celtic malcontents. Basically, if you can't find your DNA

somewhere on the surface of one of the stones of Stonehenge, dated back to when it was first put up there, you're gone. Yeah, if one of your ancestors wasn't a druid who cracked one off on Stonehenge, You are out of here, pal. You are out of here. You're gone.

Yep. All right. I think there was bird shit you were looking at, Nish, by the way. All right, so we've got reform, we've got restore, we've got repeat. I'm launching reboot. Reboot is all about turning Britain off and on again, and starting from scratch. We're going to campaign to have the British landmass reattached to the European continent,

just as it was 8,000 years ago, and we're going to retrace our steps and figure out where the fuck it all went wrong. Ugly Shark News. now and well very exciting times for people who like weird looking sea creatures goblin sharks have been filmed alive

for the first time but scientists have not been impressed by what they look like there's been a lot of quite unpleasant stuff directed towards the goblin sharks if you've not seen them

they basically have a face like a daily telegraph reader after reading an article about gender neutral too. They're mingered. I believe the scientific phrase is mingham. Anyway, they quoted a fish expert

from Macquarie University, which I believe is one of yours, Tom. He's got to be. Shark University screams Australia. Describe these goblin sharks as quotes, arguably the ugliest shark on the planet.

They are ridiculously horrendous to look at not even their mother would love their faces. That is, I mean, for a start, we're projecting our human aesthetic norms onto other species again. I mean, for a second start, I'm sure mummy sharks, are not so shallow in their love,

particularly not the ones that are literally not so shallow because they live deep down in the Pacific Ocean. And also, the same fish expert said, this is an ancient species that has remained relatively unchanged for around 125 million years, which suggests they are plenty of, pretty enough for each other. If it ain't broke.

Surely that's all that counts, isn't it? They're doing it right, yeah. I will also say. Maybe they're looking on the inside of the goblin shark. Maybe they're caught up with all these like aesthetic superficial requirements of these f***ing bitchy-ass scientists who are reading these sharks to fill. It doesn't feel hugely sciencey. Can I just say that?

I don't know. I'm not questioning the credentials of this person. You're saying it's, these sharks are ugly. It doesn't re-comprite. Are you saying it's Aussie science? Hey! Is that what you're saying? It's got the whiff.

It's got the whiff of Australia to it. But I also... These sharks are bloody three! I will say also, I did... I am looking at the pictures of these sharks. They do sort of have quite a sort of pronounced... I don't know how to say this. They got quite big noses.

As a proud representative of the large-nosed community, I do think it's, I do think I do feel slightly shamed by this. I do feel slightly shamed by this goblin shark stuff. The disgrace. Well, it just proves anti-Semitism as rapid throughout the universities. Disgrace. Of course, it does beg the question if you say, you know, this is the ugliest shark in the planet. What's the hotter shark on the planet?

Don't get me wrong, these goblin sharks are no lookers. They've got faces like drop pies, but at least their heads aren't the shape of fucking hammers. Unlike some people I can mention. It does suggest, if you find a shark unattractive, it does suggest you find some sharks attractive. Which ones are the hot ones? Well, that brings to the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening, buglers.

Don't forget to make your contributions, if you can, to helpemilia.com. Nish, anything to plug? Well, it does feel a bit crass after you've repeated the charity appeal. So I'll just restate, do give money to the charity appeal. If you're, you can watch me do a full stand-up show on YouTube for free. That's called Nish Don't Kill My Vibe.

And if you want to then buy tickets to see me in person, in 4DX, I'm putting that out there. My live shows are now in 4DX. So I'll sort of, during the show, just sort of shake your chair and spit at you a bit to sort of simulate the 4DX-style cinema conditions. I'm doing a UK and Ireland dates from September to December. Tickets available at Nishcamore.com.com. Tom. Screw charity. Support Tom Ballar.

No, that's a very worthy cause. Please do that. But I am touring my show, Be Funny Challenge, open brackets, impossible, close brackets, across the UK, mainly at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival on sale. Now, so many tickets are available. And I'd love me to see you

at the Monkey Barrel at 425 from the 3rd of August. Be Funny Challenge Impossible. Tomballer.com.com. for more details. Next week we will have Alice Fraser who is also

going to be at the monkey barrel for the same video the Toronto Monkey Vail through the Edinburgh Fringe and Neil Delamier until then

thank you for listening and goodbye