The Bugle - Peace On Earth!

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

Alice Fraser and Josh Gondelman join Andy Zaltzman for another sharp-witted dive into the world’s chaos. This week, the team look for light in the darkness of President Trump's latest shenanigans, including his long-overdue war on paper straws, plus there is exciting news of the world's first naturally occurring frittata. Listen in for top-tier satire, incisive analysis, and the usual dose of nonsense.💰 Support The Bugle: http://thebuglepodcast.com/donate🎧 Listen to Realms Unknown https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/realms-unknown🎙 Featuring: Andy Zaltzman, Alice Fraser and Josh Gondelman🎛 Produced by: Chris Skinner & Ped Hunter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh hello strangers, I'm Alice Fraser, your guide to the galaxy's goblins, dungeons and dystopias. We'll be hurling ourselves into an all-weekly hero's journey through realms unknown into the dark but sensual heart of all our favourite speculative fictions. We'll navigate the wild realms created by brilliant authors, filmmakers, game designers and more. New episodes drop every week on your podcast app or on YouTube. Do not resist the call to adventure, Chosen One. Join me for Realms Unknown.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4331 of The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world, albeit a visual world that now looks at itself in the mirror, then instantly shies away from its own reflection, saying, ahhh, what have I become? I'm joined today from here, well not from here in London actually from Birmingham Where she is on tour launching her book and indeed launching the bugle publishing Empire, which currently is a book It's Alice Fraser. Hello Alice Hello, Andy. Hello buglers. I'm currently in the bathroom of a premier in having made a sound booth of my son's cot and a shower curtain. These are the glamorous high times in which we live. This is the rock and roll touring. I like

to leave a mess behind me because my children enjoy putting things into and taking them out of the bin. Rock and roll. So are you actually sitting in the bath as you record? You are sitting in the bath, I'm sitting kneeling by the side of the bath in my custom posture for washing my children. You're right. I must say you've got all the core musculature being built up from all that child washing put you in the prime position for this recording. I'm peak physical fitness, Andy.

Well, I said in the bath. I didn't mean, are you actually having a bath? Anyway. I mean, look, that's for the OnlyFans, the Bugle OnlyFans. The next thing that Chris Skinner will launch as part of the Bugle Empire is the behind the scenes after Dark Bugle. Alice doing point of view videos like,

I'm watching you like my children. Through a podcast. Andy in a bath with a glass of wine and a printed out A4 picture of Florence Nightingale. What goes on tour stays on tour. Orze Chodegas, as you've heard from New York City, one of the very finest Mexican comedians on the sorry, American. I'm always getting things like that mixed up these days.

It's Josh Gondelman. Hello. Thank you so much for having me in the United States. This is President's Day. You still celebrate despite the idea of presidents having lost some of their luster over the past few years. It's a little feels a little bit like celebrating Woody Allen movies day or P Diddy production on some of your favorite records day. Yes, strange times. We will touch more on that as the show goes on. We're recording on the 17th of February 2025.

By the time you hear this, it will be at the very least the 18th of February 2025, by the time you hear this it will be at the very least the 18th of February, on which day in 1930, a historic moment, Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in a fixed wing aircraft. Didn't pilot the aircraft, so it's not that impressive, but the first time a cow had been put for whatever reason also the first cow to be milked in an aircraft and I mean, I guess if you're gonna send a cow for a ride in a fixed-wing aircraft you want to break more than one Record you want to be more than just the first cow in an aircraft So milking it I guess is the obvious thing to do breeding it. That's logistically problematic You need two animals or you're rick another minotaur which didn't go so well first time or turning it into a burger

Which will be tricky clean up in a 1930s aircraft, but um must have been disappointing for the cow do not think you know after that, you know the joy and exhilaration of Escaping from the exploitations of life on solid ground. There's few moments of hope that they can now live out their true destiny as just a cow. And then with the fasten seatbelt, Stein, still on someone starts having a go at the others. It's got to be disappointing. I mean, how many terrible things do you have to do before a right brother gets called a wrong brother? I bet it's like alien abductions with people like I bet the other cows

didn't believe that that happened when they tried to tell them. So they went they went through some turbulence and that's how cheese was discovered, I believe. On this day or in fact, tomorrow, the 18th of February 1955, was the beginning of Operation Teapot. Do we really know what Operation Teapot was? It sounds quite charming, doesn't it? It does sound charming.

Is it like one of those things that teenage boys tell you about? Does it involve genetic engineering to make the population both short and stout? Sadly not. I mean, it sounds like that might be the case. Sounds like it might be an episode of a children's puppet show or a witty spoof comedy spy cape or maybe a euphemism for resolving a minor family dispute by the tried and tested medium of a nice cup of tea. But no, it was the 1950s.

It was a nuclear testing program. Operation Teapot was 14 nuclear test explosions in Nevada in 1955. But did they add the milk first and was it from a cow in an aeroplane? These are all questions that my research hasn't entirely covered. But yeah, the first one boomed out on the 18th of February with a yield of 1.2 kilotons, which to me sounds a bit over-brewed as tea goes. I tend to go with one gram of tea leaves per 100 ml of water. Brew it for two minutes if you're having it without milk, four to five minutes if you're having it with milk. 1.2 kilotons of radioactive devastation though, that puts me off my biscuits.

devastation though, that puts me off my biscuits. Anyway, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin and, well, today, the 17th February is Random Acts of Kindness Day, despite which in London a conference is taking place entitled the Alliance for Responsible Citizenship, which has brought right-wingers of the world congealed together in London to complain about the dangerous prevalence of compassion, facts and hope that have somehow remained partly at large in the public realm and their efforts will not cease until they're all stamped out. Kemi Badenok, the latest interim leader of the political party just before we recorded this, has given a speech, claiming that

western civilisation is in crisis, which is a fair point and if you want evidence of that Kemi Badenock is giving a speech at a right-wing conference in London. There you go, she's got a point. She said these words, whether it's pronouns or DEI or climate activism, these issues aren't about kindness, they're about control. Alternatively, Kemi, they're about trying to let people live the lives they want to live, partially righting some of the wrongs of history and trying to make sure that history doesn't itself become history because there's no longer a planet for historians to historicise on. But, you know, there's always two ways of headbutting the same potato. She also added, we have limited time and every second spent debating what a woman is,

is a second lost from dealing with challenges. Well, for a start, if that is the limit of your multitasking capability, get the f*** out of frontline politics. It's not for you. Also, maybe try saying that without being the leader of a party that has just failed to deal with challenges for approximately 440 million consecutive seconds. Anyway, today is Random Acts of Kindness Day, despite this conference in London. And now it's more important than ever, would you not say? Yes, I think the thing about Random Acts of Kindness Day, Andy, is you have to decide

at the beginning of the day whether to lean into the kindness or the randomness. If you want to be truly random with your acts of kindness, this sort of kindness ends up going a bit by the wayside. Give a sandwich to a passing billionaire, tax break to a homeless guy, play some Mozart to an iguana, tell a baby he's beautiful and should dump that jerk. Like it doesn't necessarily connect. That's right. And there are some acts of kindness that when applied randomly are, have a sinister tone, right? You don't wanna be dispersing massages

at random throughout the city. As much as the kindness in your heart might be flowing out through your hands, I don't think that's how random recipients will recipient. But you know, it's more important than ever this day, Random Acts of Kindness Day, given that so many governments are elected on programs of random acts of cruelty or on the international stage random acts of absolute mayhem inducing

derangement. So random acts of kindness day is, you know, one of the few things we need to cling to in 2025. So some bugle suggestions for you buglers on random acts of kindness that you might like to try. Send someone some flowers, not too many, anything over 100 becomes a logistical nightmare. Offer to pay for not too many, anything over 100 becomes a logistical nightmare. Offer to pay for someone else's coffee unless they are a commercial coffee importer in which case your generosity could end up costing you several hundred thousand pounds. Smile at a stranger on a public transport but it's very important that you do this for less than five minutes at a stretch and without humming the tune from Harry Nilsson's hit song,

I can't live if living is without you. Leaves of money hidden in your local playground for local kids to find, low denomination coins ideally, not a briefcase with a hundred thousand pounds of cash that will result in the child who finds it being implicated in local gangland turf wars. And go into your local cat shelter and release a box of a hundred mice into the building.

They will absolutely love it. Alternatively, go to your local cat shelter and release a box of a hundred mice into the building. They will absolutely f**king love it. Alternatively, go to your local library and write some extra chapters in books. So the next person to take that book out gets a free extra novel. I think that's got to be worth it. Some books really need a bit extra. Give up your seat to a total stranger. This one is directed specifically at members of parliament and also hire a lion outfit, go to a zoo, wander up to the zebra enclosure and tearfully say I'm so sorry for everything. And finally find a professional football referee or indeed any code of football, any sports referee or umpire and send them an anonymous message saying I know on the balance of probabilities you're almost certainly not involved in a covert conspiracy to make my team and or favorite player

lose but could you please have a word with your colleagues who quite clearly are. So anyway those are your bugle random acts of kindness do go and make the world a better or also go up to a complete stranger and tell them how awesome the bugle podcast is you can do that as well. That section in the bin. Top story this week. Peace in our time. Donald Trump has announced that he will negotiate a peace between Russia and Russia, bringing an end to the war in Ukraine. The details and logistics still remain to be hammered out. They have insisted, Trump and Russia, that Ukraine will be involved in the negotiations. It does appear at this stage that Ukraine will be involved in the negotiations in the

same way that a French goose is involved in the annual French foie gras of the year competition. But I mean, it's exciting times for fans of giving into the demands of despots and dictators. Josh, and, you know, last America has a president who's who's prepared to set aside the hackneyed old we will not give into terrorist and dictators shtick that I think has held you back as a nation for far too long. That's right. It's time to start capitulating. That's what 2025 is all about. The conflict between Russia and Ukraine is being solved by a bilateral bro out between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. They allegedly were on the phone for 90 minutes hashing out details. on the phone for 90 minutes hashing out details of the,

but I imagine most of that call was, you hang up first. No, you hang up first. No, you hang up first. Just be in besties. It doesn't seem good, right? It feels like we're really selling out Ukraine. And it is also a little bit of a red flag. The United States is sending Marco Rubio to negotiate these peace talks. A politician who couldn't negotiate peace between Florida and Florida while he was

an official there. And that they're doing it in Saudi Arabia, aka the fairness capital of the world. I mean, strange times. I mean, Trump is, of of course no stranger to being accused of channeling various 1930s political leaders It's just Neville Chamberlain is a new one and at least Chamberlain I think had good intentions That fair place of Trump for broadening his repertoire still waiting for him to do Gandhi Which could go very badly wrong and also ironically still waiting for him to have even a partial go American President Franklin D Roosevelt but anyway yeah he's getting on the 30s bandwagon I have in my hand a tiny piece of paper it's a beautiful piece of paper the best piece of paper in the world there's no doubt Trump would have said to himself when he was practicing Alice I mean a lot of people

said this you know it's basically Trump has essentially legalized crime in America with his presidential pardons and the sort of justification of the January the 6th insurrection. He's essentially now legalizing war crimes as well. You trained as a lawyer for many years, but obviously you saw the way the wind was blowing in the world, you jumped the law ship. You must be absolutely delighted with your career choice. Well, Andy, you are so right. I did indeed spend seven years of my life studying law and then practicing law.

And I remember thinking, well, this can't last. Hundreds of years of painstakingly accumulated rules formalizing our intuitive sense of interpersonal fairness so that it can be applied outwards in the context of large and complex institutions, counterbalancing as far as reasonably possible the biases and corruptions of individuals within those systems, and grindingly correcting slow errors as applied by people of varying moral character. I thought, Chuck it, boring.

A world governed by laws is a world for women and the weak, Andy. Let's go back to a world where my only job is to pick a man strong enough to hit my enemies, but kind enough only to hit me when he thinks it's gonna be educational. But also I would like to make a note, if the world is going to descend into Hobbesian chaos, I'd like it to happen quickly

while I've still got these childbearing hips to bring to market. Three to five years in the tank on the baby making front, so chop chop. It's also tough, right? The Emmanuel Macron called a meeting of European heads of state to figure out how they're going to deal with this situation. And if there's one thing I've learned from talking on this podcast with people from the UK, when you turn against all of Europe, things don't usually go your way. Keir Starmer, right, has vowed to keep the United States and Europe from drifting

apart, which I think is a noble goal, but I doubt it because adding a third so rarely helps keep a relationship together. It's just gonna make things really weird to explain to Australia at parties before the inevitable separation. Well, I mean, JD Vance has been taking these swings at Europe saying they've abandoned the fundamental Western value of letting everyone scream obscenities into each other's mouths as loudly as they possibly can, which is what held Europe up in the past. I don't know.

I think every nation is going to have to reckon in its own way with these impossible problems that are caused by the pincer movement of climate wars ruining the place you live and the information super highway firehosing everyone who's even got one single eyeball or earball with a thunder funnel of hyper-condensed rage juice. But I don't know if that's the way. Yeah, I mean, JD Vance lecturing Europe on free speech and democracy. So let me just check what story we're doing here. Was it JD Vance accusing Europe of not upholding free speech or the White House, banning Associated Press journalists from the Oval Office because they use the term Gulf of Mexico instead of the Trumply imposed Gulf of America. I forget which free speech story we would do. I think it was the

Vance one. Are we doing Elon Musk bringing back free speech to Twitter or are we doing Elon Musk shadow banning people who say mean things about him? Which one of those ones is it? Or actively redacting government websites. Well, look, I mean, JD Vance obviously isn't well known as an AI generated temple of smugglery, rancor and freestyle nontensicalism. But I'd love to point out all the different ways in which this is rampagingly hypocritical. Yeah, this is coming from a country which I was also reading on The Guardian. They've banned a kids book by the actor Julianne Julianne Moore about a kid with freckles

has been banned from some schools as part of the so-called compliance review to stop children reading about freckles. I think also they don't even want kids to know about people with a little melanin in their skin, never mind Black history. They're out on freckles. That's bad. In February? That's Black History Month. That's cold. Obviously, we in Europe, we need to learn from the American commitment to freedom of speech and freedom of children's book reading. freedom of speech, freedom of children's book reading. I mean, just JD Vance is saying a lot about like very confidently about the history of Europe and the ways in which Europe is failing its own history.

Josh, I don't know anything about the American education system and I'm not going to ask, but I'm going to tell you something about the American education system. It seems to reward people who say things with confidence that sound vaguely plausible even when the things they say are very easily disprovable by literally any further reading on the subject, like even the second half of the sentence they're quoting. That seems like what would happen if Dunning f***ed Kruger and then they had a baby. And you know what they say about the Dunning-Kruger effect. I don't, which makes me an expert.

They say, they say the less you know about the Dunning-Kruger effect, the more you know what they say about the Dunning-Kruger effect. I don't, which makes me an expert. They say the less you know about the Dunning-Kruger effect, the more you know about the Dunning-Kruger effect. And that's fundamentally the same joke formulated slightly differently, but I like them both. So we're leaving them in. This is the bugle we've been doing that for nearly 18 years. It is like you guys are focusing on the negatives, right? JD Vance went to the Munich Security Conference, which is the Coachella for secretaries of state, and he took shots at Europe, right? Saying the continent is being undermined by enemies within,

which with this launch of a racially charged, internationally directed diatribe, finally, white Christian nationalists have their own version of Kendrick Lamar's Not Like Us. So this is huge. This is big. After the Grammys and the Super Bowl, they needed a win. The security conference was supposed to be, this was what they were supposed to be there discussing European nations boosting defense spending and how to end the conflict in Ukraine without giving into Russia, which whoops. But Vance kind of made it all about himself, which is the most American thing he could have done, especially when you consider he did it by speaking English while in a European country.

German Chancellor Olaf Scholz decried Vance's statement as the US perpetrating outsider meddling in another region's politics to which the people of Nicaragua and Syria replied. Come on, dude. This is nothing. They said it in unison. It was crazy. Look, I mean, like I say, I'd love to point out all the ways in which Vance was, as I say, rampagingly hypocritical, but I can't. I can't point out all the ways for various reasons. One, although we have some flexibility in how long this show is, our audience research, a bugle listener, suggests that you do generally prefer a podcast that is less than 700 hours

long. Reason two, I'm bored of looking at my pet globe every morning, cuddling it whilst we both weep and whimpering, what happened to you? Three, I'm from Europe, I don't have any freedom of speech, I have no outlet for saying what I want to say. Oh, maybe he's onto something. Four, we have to respect the mandate that the Trump-Vance cartel has. They were democratically elected by the people of America

on an explicit, clearly stated platform of rampaging hypocrisy. They were democratically elected by the people of America to impose that rampaging hypocrisy on not just America itself, but also the rest of the world. And if we and the rest of the world had not wanted them to do this, then we should have taken the time and effort to become uncontrollable gazillionaire tech-tropeneurs and bought ourselves control of American politics just like Elon Musk did. That option was open to us and we were too f***ing lazy to take it. Another reason that I can't point out all the hypocrisies is

that well if free speech results in JD Vance maybe we're better off without it and also because maybe in Europe we labor with this historically resonant sense that free speech carries an element of risk with it and a contract of responsibility because we've seen how it can metastasize into regimes which rise to power, aided by that freedom of speech, which then crush and stifle it to further their own ends. But America might be less attuned to that risk because it's earlier on in the process. It's going through that process right now.

So we just have quite the perspective that we have as an older, more experienced continent on the way down. We are still, as we we record waiting for further details as a set of Trump's peace proposal for the Ukraine turning the Donbass region into a billionaires only crazy golf course seems to be on the table also asking Putin nicely. Hey all billionaire golf is crazy golf. If I may quote a line from the highly influential radio for late night sitcom The Department from over 20 years ago, crazy golf is about where you play it, not how you play it.

Apparently they're also going to ask Vladimir Putin nicely only to invade one former Soviet Union member state every four year Olympic cycle. They're looking at the relocating of all Ukrainians to Paraguay and giving Alaska back to Russia in exchange for Garry Kasparov's 15-year reign as world chess champion, which will now be awarded to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. So there are a number of negotiation ploys on the table. Also Vladimir Putin has demanded a special t-shirt with the slogan I committed mass war crimes and all I got was this active endorsement from the so-called leader of the free world. So we will have full updates on this. I do think a chess title being given ceremonially to Pete Hegseth is pretty appropriate because

he's drunk on the job so often he might actually knock over a queen at some point. Harrowing, heartbreaking decline of a nation that once stood as a beacon of hope for a better world, even if you always had to ignore quite a lot of what it actually did to see it that way. News now. And well, this is when looking at America in America now Josh the I mean the sort of I don't quite how to describe the last month of executive decisions other than I don't know just a mad person swinging a badger with advanced diarrhea around its head in your living room. It's made an absolute mess of your sofas. But huge job cuts in the public sector as the Trump regime continues to wield the sledgehammer

of devastation with which America voted to crack itself in the nuts. And various parts of the public sector are being aggressively demolished, including the IRS. Yeah, that's right. Back home, as if we weren't causing enough trouble abroad, but back at home the United States government continues to dismantle itself. We all know about the Ouroboros, right? The image of a snake eating its own tail. But our current situation is so much dumber than that. It is like a snake sticking its head up its own ass. This is obviously Trump and his cronies tearing apart the government to enrich themselves, of course, but it's also this classic American conservative process of destroying government

institutions so they can then explain that they don't work, right? They're causing the problem and then they're complaining about it. Republicans are the party of whiskey dick, effectively. The IRS who administers our taxation, they've been told to lay off thousands of workers, which is going to be huge for a massive constituency of Trump voters, people who have or are planning to commit tax fraud. So that is like a lot of the people in his corner. Similarly, Elon Musk's Doge program,

which just bile rises in my throat as I say it, has proposed huge cuts to the Department of Health and Human Services and the Center for Disease Control. And there have been warnings that this could create the conditions for a new pandemic. But it's like I doubt it. We haven't had a new pandemic in what five years. It's just not going to happen. Idiots.

Well, also, I mean, you've show you your health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy surely wouldn't allow just a pandemic to sweep the land unchecked, would he? He, look, he's busy. He's too busy to think about pandemics because he's announced a war on antidepressants, causing people across the country to be torn between doubling up on their meds and rationing them for when the government enacts mental health prohibition and a younger generation of Kennedys ironically start selling bootleg SSRIs at think-easies across the land. Look, I don't think you need to worry about a new pandemic with Kennedy on the job. That man will

run the pandemic over in his car and eat it before he lets it steal the health, the precious health of our children. I find the IRS firings are just sort of a very delicious cherry on a little irony cake. Yes, to save the government money, we must fire the people who get the government their money. But I want to give these guys credit. I want to assume that they believe the nonsense that they're spouting at the very least. I feel like the current wave towards efficiency in the government may be a disaster, as we all fear it may be, but it may also be effective. In which case, what a disaster. Have these boys failed to realize the government is meant to be slow and inefficient?

You know, the Chinese Communist Party very efficiently managed to kill more of their own people than both sides in World War Two. You don't want an efficient government. You want a government that moves slowly, constantly hampered by its own checks and balances, because otherwise you end up with a lean, efficient startup minded government that moves fast and breaks shit. And at government size, when you're breaking shit, the stuff you're breaking is massive. Yep. And that's what's happening.

Last Thursday, several employees overseeing America's nuclear stockpile were fired, which best case scenario as Alice, as you were alluding to, that will keep us out of future nuclear war because everyone who knows how to turn the thing on has been let go. So there's the silver lining there. The Trump administration then learned what had happened. They didn't mean to lay off all the people that control the nukes. They've been attempting to rehire several key Department of Energy figures, but they can't because no one has their contact info.

They're going to have to resort to a Craigslist misconnection. Like, I was an elected and deeply compromised bureaucrat oligarch. You were a longtime federal employee screaming about the threat of nuclear apocalypse while I had a team of soulless mercenaries escort you out of the building. Call me sometime before the world ends. This is this is the problem with bringing a startup mentality to government cuts because you can't just control Zed when you f*** it. Like you can't just, oh, what's our last saved version of the government?

It doesn't work like that. The actual thing that has been giving me some hope, right, is that the court orders have been creating barriers to some of the worst executive overreach by Trump and Musk. But if they have their way, within weeks, our entire federal government would be like a bunch of cops, one Aunt Deanne's pretzel stand, and a few bathrooms with strict gender delineations.

The whole country is an airport at 5 a.m. Yeah, I can't wait for the bathrooms to get even more specific about gender presentation. So we've got women's bathrooms, but like on the left-hand side, you have the double Ds, and on the right-hand side, you have the double D's and on the right hand side you have your A cups and you can only go in the one that's appropriately gendered. I guess when it comes to nuclear safety that I guess, you know, Trump is heavily supported by the Christian right. So I guess the assumption is that God will just look after the nuclear weapons for America. He of course course, famously saved Donald Trump,

despite Trump explicitly contravening all 10 of his commandments on a minute-by-minute basis for his entire f***ing life. But it just goes to show how God is merciful, I guess. Or it could go to show that they're hoping that with unattended nuclear weapons, maybe we'll all meet God sooner. Yes. It's all, to be honest, I'm struggling to see the funny side of things at the moment. I know. That often happens wheniting to declare that they want to buy California after having been personally insulted by Trump saying that he would buy Greenland.

I mean, I think this is this is one of the like you say, this is a shaft of a shaft of hope. But also, I think I mean, so it's a petition. That's what he called it. Sorry. shaft of a shaft of hope. But also, I think I mean, so it's a petition, 200,000 people have signed it a shaft of hope, a glance of kindness, more of that in the Dancy Lagarde book that is now available. The seminal vesicle of justice. Just ushering prosperity out through the orbs of future. But actually, I mean, it started as a joke petition for Denmark to buy California. But actually, when you think of it, only 38% of voters in California voted for Trump in the presidential election. I think he will be bang up for this.

I can see Trump getting on board with getting rid of California. The petition highlighted Denmark's commitment to rule of law, universal health care and fact-based politics. I think California might go for this as well. So I can't see anything stopping this happening, Josh. I can't see why either side would not want this to go through. It's kind of a hand in glove fit, I guess, to the people of California. As an American, I will say, get ready to start speaking whatever language

they use over there. I want to say Dutch. Is it Dutch? I honestly think we should do it just so all the people across America who think that California is like a hotbed of communism can see what socialism actually looks like. Just to be like, oh, you think California wants to give healthcare to everyone? Well, get a load of when it's California, Denmark. I mean, I feel like Hollywood would rebel because for a couple of reasons.

First of all, every movie going forward would end up being a Viking movie if the Danes owned California. And then secondly, the hotness level of California compared to the greater Denmark area would go down because everyone in Denmark is very hot. It's unclear if what the top level of Danish politics thinks about this, we've not heard from their Prime Minister or their monarch King Frederick X, or is that King Frederick, formerly known as Twitter?

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to read that. I think it's King Frederick, formerly known as Twitter. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to read that. I think it's King Frederick X, the black civil rights revolutionary. That's how I always picture him. Just one more piece of Trump legislation from the last week or so. And like I say, I'm finding it hard to see the put I know decluttering is all the rage these days But throwing out absolutely everything democracy once held dear I think that's taking a little step too far But anyway

Donald Trump pledged last week to rid America of one of its most long-standing Lethal curses on the nation's health wealth and happiness a scourge of ordinary American life That has destroyed too many families too many lives too many hopes and dreams and that scourge of ordinary American life that has destroyed too many families, too many lives, too many hopes and dreams. And that scourge is paper straws. Finally, finally, Josh, you have a politician who is prepared to stand up to the scourge of he said they explode. I know paper straws aren't great, but exploding. I mean, it does show perhaps that a paper straw has a sufficient level of political awareness to destroy itself rather than provide life-sustaining liquid to Donald Trump.

So that may just be a personal thing for him. I mean, it's hard to see how a lot of Trump's actions, particularly this one, are going to put more burgers in the backs of ordinary hardworking Americans or improve healthcare or reduce gun violence or create job opportunities. But at least now, Josh, they'll be able to drink their milkshakes without their straws going a bit soggy or even worse, just having to drink stuff straight out of a cup into their mouths like a f***ing adult. So this is a huge, huge news. Yeah, I think like you said, Trump is willing to stand up to paper straws.

You get the same effect leaving them in a glass of water for five to 10 minutes that they can be defeated that way. Yeah, he signed executive order shifting the US back towards plastic straws, which is not necessary. Frankly, I travel all over the United States and I see a paper straw like once a year. It is like viewing a lunar eclipse. You only stumble across them occasionally and they're generally underwhelming. Plastic straws, they're important for people with certain disabilities, but they're not great for the environment to use uniformly. But we've, as a nation, already given up on that fight. The only people who are still sticking with paper straws in 2025 are Greta Thunberg herself and baristas so aggressively vegan that they won't even

chew on their own fingernails. Worst of all, Trump's push to get rid of paper straws and bring back plastic is stealing thunder from RFK Jr.'s pledge to do away with vaccines and bring back polio. So they really got to figure out their messaging. Look, I'm conflicted on this. I think this, you know, surely I feel there is a middle ground here. You've got, on one end of the spectrum, you've got paper straws, flimsy, bad for use by toddlers, disabled people, and the rare people who happen to have wet mouths and want to drink wet drinks. And on the other end of the spectrum, plastic straws, evil incarnate, only embraced by cackling villains who hate the planet and punk turtles that want piercings. The reality is we have

the material science to do an alternative to either of these things. I had a straw the other day that was made out of potato, magic. Another one made out of straw. Maybe we should bring back just straws made of straw. I feel we can meet somewhere in the middle. Maybe this is the unifying, the final, the bipartisan issue that could bring us all together. Well, it is. And you don't want it to become just a personal, yeah, personal attack on Trump for this kind of thing. You don't want it to descend into a straw man argument, really. So, I mean, it just seems that some one of us had to say that I'm prepared to take that. Did we have to?

Maybe, Maybe not. America, of course, has long been the proud spiritual home of completely unnecessary bits of plastic. And in particular, I remember staying in a hotel room in America, which had a little sign in the bathroom saying, we want to reduce our environmental footprint, so please reuse your towel. And the coffee cup in the room was a plastic cup

wrapped in a plastic wrapper with a plastic coffee stirrer also wrapped in a plastic wrapper separately. So that's a good level of commitment to unnecessary plastic. I think other countries, whilst they may aspire to, I'm not sure they can ever fully achieve. That's right. I think that's consistent, right? What they're saying is we want emissions to go down and we're not going to do shit. So you got to air dry that towel because we're going plastic on plastic on plastic on plastic. The Secretary of State for the eradication of all hope, Drell but Clark the third has also announced that trying to reduce plastic pollution is quotes

The kind of woke bullshit that would have lost us the first and second world wars and stated that well over 80% The world's oceans is still water rather than plastic And also that future generations will enjoy clearing it up because it'll give them something to do He also pointed out that if we put enough straws in the oceans then lazy whales could fashion some form of snorkel out of them so they don't have to go all the way to the surface when they want to breathe. So you know let's try and keep some perspective. In more renaming news now, obviously renaming stuff is all the rage these days

Josh, an American military fort has had its name changed from Fort Liberty And more renaming news now, obviously renaming stuff is all the rage these days, Josh. An American military fort has had its name changed from Fort Liberty, which it was renamed to under Joe Biden in an effort to remove things named after Confederate figures from the American Civil War. So it was changed from Fort Liberty, a dangerously un-American name of course these days, to Fort Bragg, which is bright on brown for the egocratic nation that America is now. The original Fort Bragg name honoured a Confederate general and slave owner Braxton Bragg. So people got very excited that this, you know, finally it was going to be named once again after someone who actively fought to preserve slavery. But when it was renamed,

it said it renamed the legacy of the World War II hero, Private First Class Ronald L. Bragg, a completely different Bragg, one who fought against fascism rather than in favour of slavery. And people are angry about this, that it's not been renamed after enough of a c***. So I mean, this is... What were they doing there? So basically, they wanted to service the people who wanted it to be called Fort Bragg again, but also the Congress

has banned the naming of federal and military installations after people who fought against the Republic. So it's just an awkward situation. And I can imagine the bright spark who was like, well, what if we name it after another person called Bragg? And then we win. This is a win-win situation. We don't offend the left and we don't offend the right.

And instead they've managed to offend everybody, including, I assume, poor Ronald Bragg, who's dead. I do think it was a good gambit. I think you got to try, right? Because all the people that wanted it named after the other Bragg are like generationally racist idiots. That's like who that's who you were trying to trick. So I think it was a good gambit. I do think if you want to name stuff after people who wanted to own and abuse other people and enslave them and who wanted to fight against

America for that right, we should have to name terrible things. A highway rest stop toilet that doesn't work. Name that after a Confederate general right keep the memory alive in the way that it is deserved well I mean that might be appropriate for for Braxton Bragg general Braxton Bragg who I was reading a little bit about him someone wrote wrote a book about he was he was the least popular Confederate general, which is a reasonably hotly contested title. It was described by fellow Confederates as a merciless tyrant, obstinate but without firmness, ruthless without enterprise, crafty yet without stratagem, suspicious,

envious, jealous, vain, a bantaman success and a dunghill in disaster. Now for our weekly challenge, buglers, can any of you think of any contemporary American public figure who also meets that description? If you can, do send us a postcard. I think though, those things might have been meant as compliments. We should take that into account. A North American war update now and well the war between USA and Canada, it's future 51st state if Donald Trump gets gets its way, has hoarded up still further. At a hockey match ice hockey match

between Canada and USA in Montreal there was more anthem booing which you mentioned a few weeks ago at hockey matches in Canada and then when the game started there were three fights in the first nine seconds. That is more than you would get in actual fighting. Now I know they stop the clock when the fights happen, but the first fight broke out with two seconds on the clock. They restarted the game and one second later,

the second fight broke out. Then after an epic six seconds of peace, the third fight broke out. I mean, this is for a start, proper sport. But also, I mean, I guess it shows, you know, what's the future of North America, Josh. Well, I do think maybe this can give us a little hope for the future of Americans refusing to commit war crimes, right?

Because they all abided by the laws of hockey fights, which is you are in possession of two knives, and yet you fight exclusively with fists and shirts as your weapons. So I think that while this seems like to be a little international instability, I do like that our nation is for once obeying the rules of war. Science news now, and BP, the celebrity fossil fuels fans, have announced a fundamental reset

after a big slump in their annual profits and threats from what's described as an activist investor that is pushing the company back towards a more wholesale commitment to accelerating the end of the world. This news came after it was revealed that January was the hottest January in the history of all Januaries. There's some talk of an offset program so we can actually take some weather from February 1684, one of the coldest ever winters to try to keep the February 2025 average down so we don't double up with the hottest ever February as well.

To do that, there'll be an exchange program where we have to start wearing ridiculous late 17th century wigs and running a few witch trials. But I think that's a price worth paying. I mean, the whole thing, we're seeing an increasing turn turning against the concept of even bothering trying to save the world. If you've got Trump's drill baby drill mantra, which I'd assumed was actually about Trump's

plan to trip and every single member of the US population by drilling through their skull. But maybe that's metaphorical. I'm not not not quite sure. But Alice, you are our oil industry correspondent. Just bring us up to date with exactly what BP is doing. So BP is going to a fundamental reset back to its core values of drilling and soaking birds directly in pools of oil. They have promised to reset,

I presume, also the environment by pressing their finger down on one on the North Pole and one on Ecuador to do a hard reset of the earth once we've run out of oil. This is all basically the activist hedge fund, Elliott Investment Management, has built a stake in BP in hopes of breaking it up for parts. And BP is rebelling against this by going back to its original habit of sitting on a pile of babies cackling wildly and throwing lit torches into orphanages, I assume. Just toical, just to cover our legal facts. They're metaphorical babies in actual orphanages. Let me make that clear.

They are metaphorical orphanages, but actual babies. Yeah, BP is going back to its roots of making this planet less hospitable to any species with roots. This kind of thing is going to remain a problem until big business convinced itself that it will be able to make as much money from saving the world as it has from destroying it. But we still seem some way off from reaching that point. Yeah, I think all these companies kind of feel like after the world ends, we'll have cockroaches, Twinkies, and shareholder value will be the three things that are preserved after the apocalypse.

I know this is my fault, but I want to admit it. When I saw that BP was going to fundamentally reset their business, I thought for just a sliver of a second until I clicked on what the article said that meant was that this could be good news. And that was stupid of me. There's no such thing. It's 2025. The reset is predicted to be a return to its reliance on fossil fuels and a shift away from green energy, which is mostly what they're already doing. They only have about 10% of their business in renewable energy, right? Which is like me saying, I'm going to fundamentally reset my diet and go back to eating mostly

French fries and some salad. I'm going to cut that out of that salad proportion. I think in America, there's some frustration, right? That politicians don't stand for anything and that there's this awareness that, right, that our political apparatus is maybe not meeting the moment of encroaching fascism. But I do think it is inspirational to look into the private sector and see the way people are banding together and taking a stand against the environment. That is bold. It's unpopular, but they're doing it.

Damn it. Egg protein news now. And well, this is a subject that for too long we've shied away from on the bugle. Egg proteins. Alice, this story also encompasses potatoes. These are your two predominant fields of scientific expertise, Alas, this story also encompasses potatoes. These are your two predominant fields of scientific expertise, I believe, potatoes and egg protein. Yes, Andy. At last combined the two round white things that you can feed to children on a journey.

Just boil them, stick them in a baby. That's what I say. This is an amazing thing, particularly in light of the increasing egg worries caused by the not yet a pandemic of bird flu. There are farmers in New Zealand, molecular farmers, and they're putting egg proteins into potatoes so that your potatoes at last will not just be empty carbohydrates, but now also empty carbohydrate and proteins that you can eat chips and pretend that that is good for you.

I feel like this is just what every bodybuilder has always been wanting is to dig out some fresh protein from the ground. Apparently, it doesn't taste particularly disgusting. Look, I anticipate eating it very enthusiastically, probably as part of my OnlyFans. It's a great thing. It's a great thing for people who like potatoes but have felt barred

from them by the keto diet. I think it's beautiful that finally, by making an egg that grows inside a potato, science has paved the way for Earth's first naturally occurring frittata. I think for too long, we've been stuck with man-made synthetic frittatae, and now they can grow out of the earth like strawberries and elm trees. I am a little worried that because obviously we can't bring this to market fully yet, so it's going to require some more research and cultivation. And so I think what scientists have actually done is found a way to make eggs more expensive. And to that I say, not the time, scientists.

Look, I feel like this is step one in the long-held dream of mine of making potatoes sentient. Yeah, I mean, out of all the kind of sci-fi movies in which the world is taken over by things, potatoes have never had a real fair crack of the whip, Alice. And I think the sentient potato taken over the world at the moment, actually, it doesn't really sound like a dystopian science fiction movie.

It sounds more like some kind of utopian pipe dream that sadly we will never live to see come to fruition. Yeah, that's right. I mean, like how much worse would it be if a potato was in charge? Like, can we grow several thousand of them and have them staff our federal government? Well, I mean, this is another thing with Trump. You know, basically his his entire foreign policy is based on trick or treat diplomacy, which I guess is understandable given that he is a president whose daily facial care regime is based on

a Halloween pumpkin. So maybe that's progress. Right, that brings us to the end of this week's Sherpier than ever bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Don't forget to buy your tickets to my remaining tour shows, details at andesaltzman.co.uk. Alice, anything to plug? Yes, I will be doing a show in Leeds and one in London, a passion for passion, the show selling the book A Passion for Passion.

Come, I will sign almost anything. The London show is on the 1st of March at the Omnibus Theatre in Clapham. The seats are limited, so please jump on that if you are in London. I think the Leeds tickets are selling OK, surprisingly, for this tour. But if you can't get to one of those shows, buy the book Passion for Passion. Also listen to Realms Unknown, which is a podcast about science fiction and fantasy, speculative fiction, and I'm just about to record that in about an hour. It's going to be delightful with the excellent Jackie Cation.

So please look that up. Other than that, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for my twice weekly writers meetings. If you want to write something with me, you can do that. That's patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for my twice weekly writers meetings. If you want to write something with me, you can do that. That's patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. Josh. Oh, my gosh. So much to plug, Andy. Let's say please, if you're interested in Josh Gondelman related news and occurrences, check out my newsletter.

That's marvelous. It's at Josh Gondelman dot sub stack dot com, at at least for the time being and it's got all my tour dates and it's full of pep talks and jokes and it's a lot of fun i think and uh i'll have a new special coming out soon news on it there um yeah i think that's the best i will i will be in ridgefield connecticut on march 11th and then tickets will go on sale soon but i'm going to be at the comedy Bloomington, Indiana, where I think there are a bunch of buglers April 4th and 5th, so I'd love to see you there. And then I will not go on any further. Thank you for seating the floor for plugs. Well that's a good time to end this bugle because Alice's laptop in the bath appears to have run out of battery. Like a metaphor for hope and democracy around the world.

Thank you for listening, Buglers. We will be back next week. Until then, goodbye.