The Bugle - Pocket Gods: Bugle 4085

Episode Date: October 26, 2018

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Aditi Mittal* to discuss how much someone should smile, including women and terrorists, Trump's right to lie and and anti corruption versus anti corruption.With@HelloBuglersAlice FraserAditi Mittal@ProducerChris*until the internet broke shortly before the end of the record.More episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugles! And welcome to issue 4,085 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 29th. On October 2018 with me and his ultimate, hello the 44 year old former 37 year old, both formerly and currently from Britain. And when I say jump, you say, why? And I say, why not? And you say there's no real need and I say fair point as you were I am as a short of a case in love and I'm joining here still hiding out in the most popular

Latitude and all hemisphere in the world 16 half billion people can't be wrong It's for the first time ever as an auntie. How is Fraser? Hello. Yes, I'm an auntie now my brother has had a child and I am well so happy. She's very cute and I probably shouldn't talk that much because I have an ask to have permission. Well, I'm very much the absolute high point of human existence being a newborn baby. It never gets any better if you listen. And joining us from Mumbai, India. For the first time on a regular bugle, having done a live bugle and a chat in her flat, it is at 18mph. Hello. Hello everyone. How is India?

You know, it's crazy. It's chaotic. Remember the hot mess I was telling you about last time? It's still here. It's still here. Nothing strange. Welcome. Do you remember the hot mess I was telling you about last time? It's still here. It's still here. Nothing's changed. Welcome.

This is Bugle 4185. Coincidentally, the number of legs that Donald Trump claimed to have when he went to a fancy dress party last week dressed as a very realistic centipede. Also, the current, also 4185 is the current number of things. Brexit was officially all about. These things that Brexit was all about, reigns from immigration, self-determination, and being allowed to buy wonky-shaped pass-knits,

without being hauled before the European court in Brussels on human rights abuse charges. Renged from those two, it being a protest against the look on an MP's face on the 22nd of June 2016, a punishment for a naughty grandchild, drawing on that irreplaceable 1920s family sofa with an indelible markup pen. And of course, it was all about stopping the Syrians from taking over Buckingham Palace. We are recording on the 26th of October 2018, making this the historic 157th anniversary of the Pony Express officially ceasing operations. The Pony Express ran for only 18 months and it was a trans-continental communication system involving Pony's stroke

horses, which cuts the communication time between East Coast USA and West Coast you are saying down from 25 days to only 10 days by using ponies in relays. It would cost you and today's money $130 to send half an ounce of mail. So basically it would cost you 40 bucks to send your granny in California a postcard saying have a nice time at Doris's house. I hope she doesn't cheat at bridge again like last time. The pony express lasted only a year and a half, but surely now, 150, seven years on, it's time to ask, where are we premature? As the species in shutting down the pony express. Because it turned out that ponies were slower than A,

electricity, the Transcontinental Telegraph became operational in this week, in the same year, in 1861. And also slower than subsequently trains and aeroplanes because with today's technology You can have a horse verbally. Nay your message to someone on the other side of the world Not just America on a video link and Furthermore horse these could physically transport packages New York City to San Francisco and under an hour if you made a special magnetic levitation horse tube, the technology is there. Bring back the pony express. If the bugle has any legacy, which

is very, very doubtful, I do hope it is the resurrects of the pony express as it maglev donkey tube. Also on this day, exactly 100, 100 years ago, 1918. Stonehenge was given to the British nation by its then owner, Cecil Chubb. So it became publicly owned and look at it. It's typical of what happens when you nationalize something. It's an absolute f***ing mess. It's in a serious state of disrepair. Doesn't work anymore.

As you know, if you ever tried to use it as a hinge, it has a leaky roof. I say privatize it. At least give it a lick of paint to make it look like it's up to date. Chubb had bought Stonehenge three years previously at an auction. I mean, that's a risky thing to buy.

When you say it's an auction, as a thing at an auction. I mean, why risky? Well, just because I've bought quite a lot of a lot of stuff at the moment. And getting home and explaining it. Oh, explaining it to your family. Yeah, I mean, I assume Mrs.

Child responded to Cecil and it's lovely, but where the fuck are we gonna put it? Can I go in the living room, darling? No Cecil, it cannot go in the living room. How will I be able to see the television if there's a fucking hinge in the way? Well, darling, if we line it up right, you'll at least be able to watch the TV

through the hinge on mid-Summer night. And there've been so many materials that have come after, you know, I mean, there's metal, there's steel. I can't believe there haven't been hinges in those materials and Mr. Chobb didn't go for those. Like he went for like stone, really? Yeah, it was, I mean, it was absolutely the cutting edge of hinge technology in those days.

I don't think Mrs. Chobb would have been that angry at him, honestly. She has to have loved him to have taken his name. It's so, yeah, a hundred years that Stonehenge has been owned by the British people, so it's my, it's partially asked Chris. Chris is off-mic today due to certain technical issues. You know he meant to buy a table in chairs, that's where he went to buy that auction. Well, I saw his the way he came back with something else. Yeah, well, it's just that they put it right near the cashier. I just can't resist a hinge.

So Maurish. So we each own 10.3 grams of stone hinge. You know, you can't resist a hinge. Can we go claim it? Are you God? That's a British hinge. You can't break the word back here, right? BEEP BEEP B of the bugle are going straight in the bin. It's Halloween next week.

The festival commemorating when Jesus turned a chicken into a skeleton just by cooking it and eating it was one of his less impressive miracles but still he was only small. And in our Halloween section in the bin, we'd review the latest Halloween music including the recently released novelty Halloween single, I wish it could be Halloween every day, a haunting reworking by the 1970s glam rockers wizard of their 1973 hit, I wish it could be Christmas every day, very, very frightening, and various Halloween hymns that are doing around at this very sacred Christian festival, including O. G. Zoo, Giverstein, godly treat for Nort Shell, the Dehal cast his

trick. O Lord, carve me a holy pumpkin and light me up and candle within. And envelop my solo Lord in the novelty fake spiders web of vine perfect love. We give you advice on Halloween costumes. We helped you to choose the most terrifying costume that you can dress in for Halloween this year, including how to make a costume of a UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change report or a costume of the future in general, or even a costume representing the declining popularity of test-match cricket. We advise you also on cheap and easy Halloween for parents, save money, but still terrify your children.

Don't waste money on fancy dress costumes, scary props and everything. Simply leave the radio on with a news bulletin running while you're children are trying to get to sleep, just scare the little bastard shitless. And it's falling on the 31st of October this year, Halloween. But rumors are suggesting that the International Society for Commercialie-Driven Sudo Festival could soon announce that it will put the date of Halloween up for auction. So the other days and months of the year could seek to muscle in on the Monopoly held by the 31st of October and its American counterpart October the 31st, the German organization

Calbury Balfourk said we've had Bids table from the 5th of October, the 17th of August, 6th of January and of course the 31st of October has been big rival the 1st of November. We could even look at splitting Halloween into 25 minute chunks to be spread throughout the year, whatever works best for the shareholders. That section in the bin. I mean Andy the thing about Halloween costumes is the common thread, particularly for women's costumes, is no matter what the costume is it has to be sexy. You've got sexy bus drive, you've got sexy dumbbell trump, you've got sexy bust drive you got sexy done will Trump you got sexy shark you got sexy vampire which means the thing that

people generally in common seem to find the scariest is a young women's sexual empowerment right he's absolutely terrifying you know I have to admit I just I got to know about Halloween only like about five six years ago so I'm still relatively new to the concept. But we've sort of had a little bit of a leakage of Halloween parties happening in the upper echelons of Indian society. And let me tell you as like I was behind the car where a guy dressed as a mummy got stopped for drunk driving. And you don't understand how terrified every cop was the moment this guy came out to do his breathalyzer test they just let him go. He's too old and too dead. Top story this week, smiling is to be banned by Indian airports for Indian airport police.

But could this be the start of the end of the smile for humanity? India's Central Industrial Security Force has instructed airport police to smile less. Yes, they are in charge of aviation safety, the Central Industrial Security Force, and they've said that they're going to move from a, quote, broad smile system to a, quote, sufficient smile system. The sufficient smile system has been perfected by women on public transport at night who need to hit the exact smile brightness that says, I'm smiling enough that you don't need to tell me to smile more without... without hitting the feel free to follow me off the train levels of smiling.

Other people who are good at the sufficient smile level are Islamic men who have to smile enough that you don't worry that they're going to terrorist, but not so much that you assume they're about to terrorist. And white men who have to smile enough that you don't think they're going to punch you, but not so much that you think they're gonna follow you off the train. You know, I think the CISF has got something, they're onto something, because I mean,

terrorists don't cause terrorism, raging inequality, the growth of extremist thought through religions, doesn't cause terrorism, but the smiles, the smiles. I think we've managed to sort of get to the root of it all. It's these people bearing their teeth and making people comfortable. That's the problem. And the Director General of the Central Industrial Security Force, it's explained this new ruling. I mean, we cannot be be over friendly with passengers because one of the

reasons cited us to why 9-11 happened was excessive reliance on passenger friendly features. We would prefer some passenger unfriendly features like we should call it insecurity check. Every time you like go go go with your luggage it's's like, hey, remember your mom loves your brother more than you and you're kind of fat. I just let you go through. I think that's... I don't think it would leave everyone. No one wants to terrorize people after that shit. Now you're thinking about how your mother loves your brother more than you. And I travel a lot. I travel a lot. And I have never gone through an airport and thought that

was too nice and experienced. But so I mean, would it have stopped? No, it isn't. It's suggesting that had the terrorists turned up on that horrific day and found airports of looking grumpy, are they the call the whole thing off? Oh, maybe it's just that the amount of resources that they needed to pour into the system to make people even smile a little bit

were being drawn away from other important airport functions. You know, the thing is, as someone who's not been a terrorist so far, let me tell you that friendliness has not made me want to do it. So that might be something that they want to consider. When a guy smiled at me, I wasn't like, you know, I was a normal person before this, but let's blow this plane up. I never thought of that.

And here's my question. My question is, I don't know, but it worries me that this is the most sort of out there demonstration of the fact that airport security is nothing but theater. Like, you're like, oh, you know, take out your water bottle, take out your backpack, take out your shoes, cause like a terrorist one's carried stuff in his water bottle and his backpack and his shoes.

But like terrorists aren't nostalgic. You know what I'm saying? Like, remember the shoe bombing, let's do one of those again. So what I'm saying? Like, I don't think I'm like, remember the shoe bombing? Let's do one of those again. So, I just feel like the smile is sort of not the biggest problem. The CISF have said they want their stuff to be more vigilant than friendly,

which you'll also coincidentally phrase. I always include my online dating profile. That's what I look for in a romantic part, no visions. Don't tell the wife, she doesn't know that I see really pretend to have online dating profiles on the shelf. I'm going to have a little bit of shit. But it does raise an interesting question that just the whole concept of smiling in the world is there too much of it because it costs the global economy smiling in the world. Is there too much of it? Because it costs the global economy, according to the World Foundation for public

grumpiness. Smiling costs the global economy, 13.2 trillion dollars in it in lost productivity. I have the report here, various excerpts from the port, smiling can often lead to people whistfully thinking back to happy times in their life, or thinking about something fun they've got planned for the weekend, instead of getting on with their job of being hard working families. Also the report says biologically smiling can not only reflect but also exacerbate feelings of contentment which dulls the edge of ambition and competitiveness needed in an ambitious

competitive economy. Moreover concludes the report if you look happy, researchers proved that autocratic governments are less likely to sign multi-billion dollar arm sales contracts with you, than if you look like you are the kind of cold-eyed commercial driven genocide tolerator they wish to associate with. So economically, smiling, banning smiling could save the planet. I mean, Andy, I never realised I had so much economic power. I spent 90% of my time giggling. Thanks, we feel rich, I'm rich. In America, this week, there's been a lot of talk about the excessive amount of anger. We've had the pipe bomb center targets ranging from Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton with

a lot of people in between those, I mean, that's not a big range, but also a lot of other people. And a lot of, I mean, high pitched responses you would expect. I mean, whoever did it and whoever they did it, they managed to be both deeply sinister. And it must be said spectacularly incompetent. So a true standard there are times. Donald Trump was so appalled by the pipe bombs that he retweeted Mike Pence's tweet about it. He was by the assault on his precious nation's precious democracy that he could not see through the tears in his eyes even to type anything into the presidential Twitter machine.

A brutal tragedy. The lack of the tweet, not the pipe bombing, I mean. Now, clearly America is a divided country. Divisions can be crowbarred open over issues as minor. Apparently minor is what sources you're allowed to put on a fucking hot dog. Whether or not to use a designated hitter in baseball. And what it was that Abraham Lincoln kept under his hat. Was it a rabbit?

Was it a teapot? Was it another smaller hat? Was it a ghost outfit just in case we will never know, but even this seems to have thought what a broad everyone and Donald Trump came out saying, well, we must be unified as a nation and then within minutes was back riding on the rhinoceros of division galloping at England into the paddling pool of civil discourse, cranking it up and having a go at the press as sure as night follows day, in other words, with a short interval in which people think it'll definitely be nighttime soon.

It is so good. It's like I think it can happen without. You'd think that pop bombing your political opponents would be one of those things we could all agree on. Yes. As being bad, obviously, I shouldn't need to say that bit, but apparently I do. That was not the only thing on his on his stroppy plate this week. I also had to take out some some time from his busy schedule to claim that unknown Middle Easterners were mixed in amongst the caravan of refugees heading towards America

from Central America via Mexico in search of a better life in the grand tradition of the vast majority of people who now live in America. Trump tweeted, criminals and unknown Middle Eastoners are mixed in based on the evidence of there being no evidence that criminals and unknown Middle Eastoners were mixed in. Criminals and unknown Middle Easteners, of course, is another decent summary of the New Testament from my Jewish point of view. Trump later admitted there was no proof of these claims.

There's no proof of anything, but there could very well be. Now, this is philosophically interesting. Didn't mean there could very well be proof, and it just hasn't been found yet, or there could very well be these unknown Middle Easteners. If it's there could very well be proof. And it just hasn't been found yet. Or they could very well be these unknown Middle Easters. If it's they could very well be proof. That is a fantastic legal precedent. Your Honor, there is no proof that the defendant committed

this crime. But they could very well be if there was. Guy, that's good enough for me. Guilty. Guilty. If he meant they could very well be unknown Middle Easters, which or UMEE's, as they know, a new social group, Yumi's makes it feel far more inclusive. For are we not all at least in our Judeo-Christianic home was Lannical World Yumi's inspiration? Or does he mean that there are people who do not yet know their Middle Eastern, or people who will one day have to make a cat of the USA find themselves in the Middle East and become Middle Easterners. I mean, are we not all Alice and a deity potential unknown Middle Easterners? I mean, in some ways, yes, Andy, but you have to respect Trump for his willingness to back down

from his previous position. This is actually a much less racist position than the initial, they are all rapists' position. Now, it's all, it's all, oh, we have no proof. And, oh, some of them are probably unknown Middle Easterners. So that you see this as a major step forward. Yeah, incredibly, so much more open-hearted. Oh, it's good to hear. And also, I think there's an argument, isn't there, that there should be an element of presidential privilege.

Did if an American president can issue pardons to the convicted guilty, surely logically, he should also be able to make up proof against the innocent. You can't argue with that, can you? I mean, I won't argue. I won't argue. But that's only because we're running out of studio time.

Okay. Oh. Other Indian news now, and this is a spectacular story for fans of Indian corruption, a topic that we've discussed considerably since, well, Ann Evabina, a DT started doing the bugle. The director of the Central Bureau of Investigation in India is investigating his number two, the special director of the Central Bureau of Investigation, who in turn has accused the director of the Central Bureau of Investigation of Corruption. At E.T., can you explain further? Now, the guy that is currently the special director of the CBI, who was a very big sort of,

one of the favorites of our current Prime Minister has been accused of bribery and corruption by a businessman. So the director of the CBI decided to launch an investigation against the special director of the CBI and then the special director of the CBI counter accused the director of the CBI for the same thing. And so right now, I'm the CBI. It's corruption charges for you, corruption charges for you, corruption charges for everybody, as Oprah would say. And what this has ended in, what this has ended in is that the CBI has raided the CBI.

Duh, dun, dun, dun. You know, it's like a classic spy versus spy situation. We're like, they're just pointing fingers at each other. Someone in the room has farted, but nobody's owning up to where the smell has come from. That's what's happening with the CBI right now. So very vividly put. I mean, it is really the logical end point of Indian corruption when the head of the central bureau

of investigation and essentially his deputy are investigating and accusing each other of corruption. There's really nowhere left for it to go from him. Mm-hmm. And I mean, that's what I think, one of my favorite things about this, like our new India, my favorite thing is that we are sort of all about following procedures and about, you know, getting the stuff done as opposed to like, I mean, two dudes accusing each other of corruption in one of the most powerful institutions in the country is hilarious because

all the procedures and everything is followed to the T all the time, but there seems to be no justice that comes out of it. And I think that's what it is, is that we will follow every single procedure to the T. But if it means actual results, don't bother us. Corruption charges for everybody. I mean, is this like, for example, prohibition in America, where everyone's doing it anyway? Maybe we need to start having a serious conversation about the legalization and regulation of corruption.

You know, that's the thing. And so now, and so many businesses, like India has been dying to become the sort of new land of business. And so we keep sort of putting ourselves on top of charts and lists of ease of doing business. And one of the things that has come out very clearly is that now business people are being told how much money to factor in to give away for granted. So if you like want to come in with an investment of say, 100 crores, you are told straight up that you just put a side 50 crores because there's going to be the palms to grease in the middle.

I mean, there's so many greasy palms in India. It's a wonder that anyone can pick anything up. It's as, as, as, even Andy said last time. It's just the fact that anything gets done is pretty crazy. And one of the things that has come out really, sort of, this thing is that this is less about the CBI as an institution, but it's about the rule of law. And that sort of collective confidence in fairness and justice is what I think has taken a massive beating right now when we are watching our top institutions like point fingers at each other like their five years old.

In Catholicism and computer games news now, the Pope has recommended new game, which promises to get young people to go to church. It's based on Pokemon-like gamification, and it's called Follow J.C. Go. What happens is the players, instead of hunting for Pokemons, they hunt for religious figures and they visit churches. They collect saints. So for example, you know, you'd get a plane St. Francis of Assisi and then you evolve him to Begumma St. Francis of Assisi and finally St. Francis of Assisi for you get a St. Nicholas and then you evolve him into Santa Claus and then Eventually evolves to become your dad

And then you fight them against each other and eventually they join powers like Megazord from the Power Rangers and then the Rapture happens and then they, I don't know, the Rapture opens the door to heaven with its tiny arms, what a clever girl and then you win the game and become an atheist? I don't know Andy, I don't know anything about Pokemon and I don't know anything about Catholicism but what it does sound is super dorky. That's what I mean, what religion needs one of the developers of the game said, everything today, language and relations among young people go through smartphones and when you think about it, smartphones are essentially just very, very efficient pocket gods. They are omnipresent, they are omniscient about your movements, your temptations, basically your thoughts,

they demand money if you want the best service, very much like religion, through history. And they even sometimes send you on unnecessarily long journeys in bizarre directions, taking way more times than they should. It's uncanny, uncanny, the similarities between these technologies. Yeah, I'm developing a candy crush like app that prints like dolls out Hail Mary's.

Got a lineup over Hail Mary's and then your sins disappear. First of all, I can't believe they didn't call it popymon. No, they don't. And, you know, in fact, the sort of combination of technology with evangelization is what many religions are going for these days. In India, also, we have something called the Siddhi Vinaya cap, where every time there is a prayer service at a temple, they live stream it on this app.

I mean, I think it's great. I think the combination of technology, the combination of technology with evangelization is pretty great. But what throws me off is when sometimes you see a guy who will be like, yeah, man, look at my app. Like I'm live streaming Jesus audio. And then when he closes his like home phone, or when he goes to his home page or whatever, it's

right next to his Pornha app. I'm like, you know, at least keep the two apps separately. I understand that both are a way to God one coming one going, but that is not appropriate. Like, don't do this. And the thing that worries me the most about the combination of evangelization with technology is the fact that what happens when your phone battery dies. The Pope has, I mean, described the internet as a gift,

a gift from God. I don't know if Tim Berners-Lee is feeling good about that. I mean, these kind of comments do go to someone's head. But the Pope was also warned against technological overreach. He said in Ireland earlier this year, it is important that the media never become a threat to the real web of flesh and blood relationships by imprisoning us in a virtual reality.

But surely, virtual reality is a f*** of a lot preferable to what is currently passing for real reality. Oh yeah. Also, the whole history of release is essentially imprisoning people in a virtual reality, isn't it? Oh, I'm already going to hell. In other computer games news now, red-dead redemption has been released. Of course, I knew you've been following this with the average attention. Yeah, I'm absolutely on the, I have my finger on the pulse of these things.

It's... Oh, it's not a pulse, it's a little button control, like a joystick. They have pulses now, I think. So we can get some kind of concern with a pulse, like it feels more real. The, this computer game is by all accounts a staggering recreation of 19th century America and if Donald Trump wins a second term and unleashes his full full vision for the USA, it may well turn out to be a staggering recreation of mid 21st century America as well. I had a go at it yesterday, Alice, it's amazing realistic, my first guy died

of collar art in 2010. My second dog got kicked by a horse. My third go, I was trapped in a loveless marriage and suffocated by the social expectations of an oppressively Christian society. On my fourth go, I had to earn some money in the game, so I got a job in a textile mill then spent the rest of my life there before dying young for a respiratory illness. I'm quite mastered it yet. I did manage to cheat mode the game, this is very exciting. and I got a boat to England. I attended the 1882 oval test match between England and Australia. I poisoned the star Australian cricket, the star fast bowler Fred the demon spothoth,

who of course was as an Australian you would know, the 14 wicket in that famous test match in 1882. And I turned a harrowing in the defeat into a glorious comfortable victory by eight wickets. So, uh, that's amazing what you can do with technology. In Crosherot news now. What news now? Crosherot. Crosherot. Yes. According to public health England every four minutes a young. Sorry. Crotch rock. Look, you said, you said think of a snappy headline. Have fun of a snappy headline. I have, I mean, that's my password to all my back account.

In sexually transmitted infection news now. Better. According to public health England every four minutes a young Brit is diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection, which has got to be stressful for that one young Brit. Waka, waka. But seriously, climidia. Ciflus is up by 20%, gonorrhea is up by 22%.

And while AIDS is no longer the death sentence once was, STI's remain an incredibly unpleasant thing with a gross long term effects, even for people with access to Tinder. And it's weird that they're being recklessly negligent about whether they're shoving one up their hull. The figures have come out as part of a social media sexual health campaign, which highlights the importance of, you know, using protection to prevent a range of long-term health conditions,

such as infertility, arthritis, and importantly, Andy, lumpy flaps, itchy wear of dongles and spiky peepies. infertility, arthritis and importantly Andy, lumpy flaps, itchy wear of dongles and spiky peepies. Lumpy flaps actually played a constitution in the 1880s, I think the county championship. Yeah, they've even recruited Sam Thompson, star of Maiden Chelsea and they've recruited him as part of this campaign to visit bars and clubs to talk to young people about the importance of safe sex, which if you don't know that he's doing that as part of a campaign, he's going to give drunk

teenagers some horrifying ideas about older dudes in bars, which to be fair serves the same noble end. So in the 15 to 24 age group, one diagnosed every four minutes, which does suggest we are indulging ourselves irresponsibly with no regard to the consequences and indeed no regard for our long-term future despite having been repeatedly warned about it and being offered alternative courses of action. Welcome to Modern Britain, this is the way we f***ing roll. One, an STI is diagnosed in every young Brit every four minutes, which I think one is

either an incentive to not ever have sex again or two to completely stop going to the doctor because if they don't diagnose you you will never know. And I guess the problem that is happening is that now the infections are becoming drug resistant. And so recently they uncovered a case of what is called super gonorrhea Which I feel like makes it actually sound like something people would want to have In other

British news There's been a pitch battle Alice between Piers Morgan the Fictitious former newspaper editor James Bond, the equally fictitious spy. Yes, it's men's scandal news, not to be confused with man's sandal news. Man's sandals are just sandals that men wear and are absent. Any sort of scandal unless you're wearing them in socks, in which case why you've just sort of ad hoc invented shoes. Anyway, in man's scandal news, Peiers Morgan has incited the rage of the nation

by impugning the masculinity of Daniel Craig for carrying his own baby while simultaneously being a man at the same time as having played James Bond in some movies in the past. He posted a paparazzi pic of Daniel Craig with the comment, oh, 007, not you as well. Hashtag, Papus, hashtag, emasculated bond.

Implying that carrying your own baby in a baby carrier is a job that should only be performed by lady dads, aka mums, and not laddy daddies, aka man mums. But how is carrying a baby emasculating? I don't understand this. When did having your, like somebody who squeezed out a child from her body for you and you having to hold it to your chest? Be like the most immasculating thing you've ever done.

And what is pure smog and definition of masculinity? Just, I don't know, kicking children. Real men carry their babies by the scruff of their necks, like wolves and refuse all technologies of convenience. From the woosey toilet paper to the flaccidly effect, running water. It's also worth mentioning, as you said, that Daniel Craig is an actor not actually 007, and it's impossible for him to be 007 because James Bond is a fictional and be a horrible asshole and see, cannot have children because all the women he sleeps with either die or betray him

and also they are also all fictional. I understand it's hard for Pierce Morgan to understand that distinction because he is also a fictional asshole born as a man who looked in the mirror once and thought, oh God, I'm a sleazy jerk. How can I monetize this? And also because all the women he sleeps with are also all fictional. Your emails now and this came from Andy Rocher in Florida on the subject, Marine Pilot traced a phallic shape in the sky. And this is one of the, I mean, it's not a unique story this, but a US Marine pilot flew in the shape of the male genitalia in the sky and Andy says as a long time bugle I know this story will peak your interest and I mean I'm question the bugle has been fearless in chronicling the heroic efforts of human beings to draw willies in places where they were previously done

and I mean the sky is clearly an open canvas. I mean yeah I'm surprised it hasn't been done more and more often given the relatively I mean you can get sky riding on group on these days I want to see more not just penises but but flaps and bits of all kinds across the spectrum of gender. I mean, we will know we have reached true equality when someone draws a micro penis in the clouds. That's something towards which we can all raise our faces to the sky and think, well, at least there's a penis in the sky.

Try that, I was a country, someone who's a prefect penis in the sky. Well, it is a quick big penis in the sky. Well, he's a quick tip if you can't afford a skywriter. And constellations are what you make of them. Yes. Well, we did discuss this on a bugle quite recently. Everything looks like a penis if you look at it long enough and in the wrong way.

There must be a constellation that could be called Henry VIII's cock and ball. Even if it's just three stars in vague proximity. This email is from Christopher White who says dear Andy and dot dot dot niche Alice, let's go with niche. Thank you Andy. No, you Chris. Fuck you. Different Chris. Different Chris. You're off the hook, mate. That fuck me. As you were probably aware, someone not naming names Chris, f***ed up royally with the play speed of episode 408-3 on SoundCloud, and as it appeared to play at one and a half speed, this... Yeah, let's just... I mean, Chris, I mean, you are clearly a master of the audio arts.

What happened with that? Can I just say for the record, the wrong file was up for about four and a half minutes, yeah. And yet somehow, everyone who, that is the version that I'm going to everyone's things, it was four and a half minutes, it was playing at 1.24 speed, because that's what I was listening back to,

the last bit of cock and bollocks that you all are talking about. And I thought, I'll just speed up my final fucking listen. Something goes wrong, I notice immediately and change it, and it fucked my Twitter and it fucked my weekend. And yeah, I mean, that's what I have to say on it. Extremely stressful, it was the end to what had been a very stressful week. Bear in mind that that episode started with me f***ing my life up in an airport in Manchester and ended with that bullshit. I mean, yeah. Who sent this email? This guy is called Chris.

So you have to be going self-to-plane. No, it's a it's a it's a terrible thing because I already speak at about one and a half speak. This unintentional returning to the email, this unintentional not was a stroke of purest genius. So there you go, you fucked him too early Chris. Firstly, it made everyone sound like they'd inhaled enough helium to float a blue whale to the moon. They're by heightening the comedy, but it also made Chris's anecdote about his daughter's passport all the more ironic as he actually sounded like a four-year-old girl. It also helped to condense the issue, meaning I could fit my intake of the bugle more easily into my schedule,

like a super concentrated truth bomb. I recommend all future episodes be made available to buglers at that speed to increase their bugle life balance. Yours, Chris. Good, I think it seems really, I'm the appropriate now to mark this. We should re-broadcast the entire bugle catalogue. At 1.24 speed. And 1 million.24 speed. 1.24 million speed. Can you just do that, Chris?

Dutch, thanks very much. It sounded awesome. There's some great bits in there I forgot. Oh glorious. I think Ocontreo we should do everything at half speed from now on. Release it and take over people's lives by making them listen to the bugle for longer. Do keep your emails coming in to... Oh, I can't put that in. Do keep your emails coming in to hellobueglaz at thebueglepodcast.com. Well that concludes this week's technologically challenged bugle. I do hope you've enjoyed it.

Chris, good luck with the edit. It's Alice, thanks very much for that. Oh, thank you so much for having me, Andy. It's glorious as ever. Do you have any shows you'd like to alert Alice and Stu? I probably do. I'm doing old rope. I think this Monday, I'm MCing in London and also my trilogy is available online

and also I do a podcast called Tea with Alice. Also have a new niece, also I'll be doing your Soho show. Oh yes, yeah on good good point, yeah let's park the Soho show. 18th of December until the 5th or 6th of January, that's ballpark it, and it is the 3rd instalment of my Certifiable History series. This year reflecting on the year 2018. It's gonna be glorious. It's gonna be absolutely sensational.

The definitive unarguable history of this crazy, crazy year. Last year I had three hats, I'm hoping for more of this year. If I had a pound for every time I've heard someone say that sentence. Well, I would like to say thank you to Aditi, but she's no longer on the other end of the line. So, well thanks Aditi, if you're listening to this, thank you very much for your contribution. Thank you for listening, Bueglers, and till next time, goodbye. Thank you.