The Bugle - Puns: Primed, Administered

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Andy delivered a manifesto of puns to an astonished audience in the record of Bugle 4308, here it is!This all happens because you, the global public, fund it, support us here: http://thebuglepodcast.comWritten and presented by:Andy ZaltzmanThe Victims were:Nish KumarTiff StevensonAnuvab PalThe Bloomsbury Theatre audienceAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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He's met all of the British Prime Ministers in the last 100 years. It's quite old. You paid for this. I don't even have any water. And now you're going to pay for this. And he's met all of them. He said they're all very interesting people. He said they're all the current Prime Minister.

He said he's got this really weird thing where he's got this really great instinct for telling which animal park is the most profitable and has the most valuable assets even without visiting them. He said he has a real richest Zunak. His predecessor, she had all these iron statues of reptiles, but she got very panicky when she had to move out of Downing Street because she didn't have enough space in her house for all of these things, so she had to keep some of them in the garden. She was very worried when it started raining because she didn't want the lizard trussed. That was worse than Liz Truss. Also he was interested by the, I don't speak too much about the favorite wars of different Prime

Ministers and obviously Boris Johnson massive Second World War fan, he actually asked me what the favorite wars of Bugle co-hosts is. And you know, I said mine was the Hundred Years War. I know Nish's favorite war is the War of Spanish Succession. We asked about John Oliver's favorite war. And I said, oh, it's that war between Britain and South Africa right at the end of the 19th and early 20th century. And he said, oh, the Boar is John's one, is it?

Oh. Oh. Oh. And the one before, promised before that. It was funny hearing people get that early and still being annoyed. These are indescribable noises. Of course, Johnson's predecessor loved,

she was really into reading, and my friend was really into it. He used to read a lot of sports biographies, including boxers. And he had one by the former world boxing champion, David Hay. And the, and, yeah, she said to him, yeah, I'd really like to read some Hay. Even the kid is like, what the f*** is wrong with you? Even the kid is like, what the f*** is wrong with you? Her predecessor, obviously the man we just talked about, he got very worried about you having to prove that he'd said and done all the things he did. He always had body worn cameras like police so he could show. He had one with night vision, the other was normal. But my friend met him in the afternoon, so he had his David camera on.

Someone actually said, oh no. His predecessor was the last Labour Prime Minister. My mate and him used to meet and they used to just eat loads and loads of bread, because they just loved bread. But apparently this guy, he didn't like white bread but he gorged on brown. His predecessor had a saxophone but he used to play it but he could only play one note on it and my friend didn't like that he said, I didn't like the Tony blared. There are so many prime ministers.

There's a lot of prime ministers, you've really got to f***ing strap in here. Should we go now and just get a pint? His predecessor followed, it was on before Blair, he was a big bugle fan actually, interestingly, and he said to my mate that Andy Zoltzman, he was nothing without, the guy I used to do the bugle with and my mate said, yeah, he thinks John Major. Bit harsh. That was one of the better ones. And then he had a throwing competition with the previous Prime Minister, John Major, and it was like a javelin competition, but they didn't have markings for the distance, but they just used things that they found around Downing Street, including an old stovepipe that was worn by the Duke of Wellington in the 1840s. Anyway, the Prime Minister threw this stovepipe

down, and it was being judged by an American pop and rock star, Cher. And anyway, so she threw the javelin, and it landed right by the stovepipe and my mate said, Mark are at the hatch chair. I feel this kid is looking forward to going to Burma now. Is this what happens now that we've left the ECHR? I think, yeah. I might need to cut some of these out because we've overrun quite a lot, but um... Look, I had to write these in half an hour this afternoon. Had to.

Had to. Had to. Had to. Had to. Had to. It's that Bruce Lee guy again. First rule of showbiz, always leave them wanting considerably less. It's like the opposite of an encore.

Previous guy was kept at a camping stove where he did his fitness training he had his Jim Callaghan. Just ask me what's happening. Previous one to that he didn't believe in didn't believe in cuddly cuddly bears he was a Ted Heathen. What it was Wilson before that it was Harold Wilson. I'm doing it in reverse order based on when they first became Prime Minister. What a podcast by and for Absolute Squares, an audience member and one of the co-presenters. I mean it was like chronologically it was actually Wilson's second term. By the way he used to play tennis with his wife,

had his old racquet shorts on, she used to use our old Wilson. Andy, I'm so hungry. We got Harold Wilson in the end. He had to have a video call meeting with the guy who preceded Harold Wilson, but he did it dressed in a Doctor Who outfit, but he'd forgotten his furry boots that he used to wear, so he had this video call. He had a Dalek Ugly Zoom. Someone's leaving. Someone's leaving in the second row. I think I need to skip back a few to... Going back to the guy who was accused of appeasing

Hitler, he was obsessed with Tudor history and apparently, and in particular the health of leading women in the time of Henry VIII, particularly, well, Henry VIII's second wife, apparently she was ill quite a lot, but not her sister, she was never ill, Jane Boleyn. Wow, weirdly the respect has returned to the audience. For some reason, nevervaril Chamberlain has got quite a lot of them back on site. He was right, we will never have peace in our time. Look, I mean, you're criticizing me. I don't like roast as a genre of comedy. But I would like to see an ancient Egyptian pharaoh

roast the Republican presidential nominee from this year. I'd really like to see Ramesses MacDonald. Oh, God. You don't want to be impressed by it, but then you're sort of impressed by it. Apparently he passed a law, stipulating the maximum number of erections anyone could have in their lifetime called the the boner law okay I ironically enjoyed that one apparently he had he had a really hairy backside that he used to like comb over yet you had an ass quiff right all right it's over now it's over it's over I can see you relieved it's over he's glad it's over, it's over. I can see you're relieved it's over.

He's glad it's done, glad it's done, but, um, swimming over here, she thinks this really has to stop now. And, uh, I can see some of you don't see the appeal of it, and, um, whereas, uh, well, some are down there, he's welling to them. Yeah, I like that. But most of you seem to think it's the pits, regardless of whether you're younger or older. Anyway, let's change the subject quickly. Which do you prefer?

Hadrian's wall, the Great Wall of China, the Wailing Wall or the Berlin Wall? Tell you what, let's use an AI device to canvas people's opinions. Let's do a robot wall pole. And there we go. Sorry for missing out. A few of your favorites.

Vote hard and vote often. It's hard to know how to end a gig after something like that. Thank you for listening, doesn't seem enough. Thank you for tolerating, thank you for indulging. I hope you enjoyed the show. We've covered quite a lot of it, maybe not gone into too much policy detail, but I hope you've enjoyed the show. Please show your appreciation for our wonderful Bugle co-host, Nish Kumar! Tiff Stephenson, there's the role, there it is! There it is!

Anubhav Pal, Producer Chris, thanks to The Bloomsbury for having us. Goodbye. Thank you Bugles, I hope you enjoyed or endured those. Do support us at the Bugle Podcast.com with our now updated donations page. Thank you, goodbye.