The Bugle - Q Unit Goes Platinum (4231)

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Andy is joined by Alice Fraser and Anuvab Pal to look at the Queen's Platinum Jubilee, mangoes, and some below par politicians.We run no advertising, you keep us going!Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserAnuvab PalAnd produced by Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Okay, I've not written an intro.

Panic like, okay, we'll just riff it out. Hi, I'm Andy Zoltzman. That works, man. That's a good stop. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugles, welcome to issue 4231 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andy Zoltzman here in London and joining me From three feet away across my dining room table. I'm delighted to say I have both Alice Fraser and Anna Van Pal hello both of you. It's it's wonderful to have Three people in the same place. It feels like I've got quite a long time since the bugle has been done in this way. Welcome.

It feels really nice to be human again once more, because I've been on the far end of the world with all of this excitement going on. I'm so excited to be back in London, the Millennium Dome, the Magic Eye, the tape modem, or you don't call it the tape modem, the potato modem. It's going to take the tape modem or you don't call it the tape modem, the potato modem. It's going to be back. We should say, as you just arrived from Australia yesterday. Yes.

So you are in the long time of day, essentially? Yes, I said, Andy, can I come stay with you for a couple of days when I learned and you said yes, do you want to do a bugle on the Monday? And I said yes, thinking, you know, I've backed up after a 24 hour flight thinking, you know, I've done, I backed up after a 24 hour flight before, you know, I've done that before. I'm completely capable of doing 24 hour flight and then the next day, you know, writing some comedy, what I had not factored in is my seven month old baby. It makes a 24 hour flight, just, it just feels like so much more quality time. Look, I was honestly never hoping to see the two of you again.

Either the way the pandemic was going, I was going to record in a little room in India, and I have to say sitting in a house, Andy, this feels like a bit of India. There's a lot of cricket in this house. I feel, I don't feel out of place at all. I feel very comfortable, but it is a little uncomfortable because I really was hoping to see both of you in a little box for the rest of my life. That can be arranged. We're all in a sort of, it's essentially a kind of global stock home syndrome, we're in at the moment trying to work through it. I should

say behind Danny Vabbs head at the moment is a sculpture of me, which we will post a picture of, torn by my sculptor father. When I was about seven years old, and how would you describe this? Do you think it catches what I am? I think I was quite a serious child. Was it meant to be a vision into the future? Was it meant to be a view as a seven-year-old child. No, I did really. Because if it's prophetic then it's sort of accurate. But if that's meant to be a picture of a 7 year old child, it's not very accurate.

But also, it confirms what I've always believed, which is that behind every great man there's a creepy statue of Andy Salzman. And if I saw this in a museum, the statue would be called Boy Who Mrs. Catch Seven. LAUGHTER That would be very accurate, indeed. I missed a lot of catch. One of my earliest memories of playing sport at school was about eight years old, and we did catching practice.

To catch a tennis ball and throw it back to the teachers, the kind of early journey into cricket. And I dropped the catch and had a really feeble throw. And the teacher said, Zoltzmann, I am ashamed of you, but did not then tell me what I should be doing better. And that's just stung me for almost 40 years. Is that a first summary of British education? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, Anyway, we are recording on the 30th of May 2022 on this day in 1431. Joan of Arc became a, well unwilling Barbeque sausage in another classic piece of British justice. On the 2nd of June in 455, the Vandals entered Rome and plundered Rome for two entire weeks and they haven't entirely got around to fixing it since then. If I remember my delightful trips to Rome in the past, few new ice cream shops, not all that else. A lot of missing penises in Rome. Yes, but present-day Rome or in period of Rome? No, present-day Rome, every statue. But how do you know that it wasn't accurate at the time? And the penis maybe did not evolve until Rome started.

That's why they got so much done. I've just taken the wrong tours of the city. You're going to the sack of Rome, that's taking on a different deal. Can we all grow up, please? I'm in the show, Andy. You said to your statue. In the year 1098, the first siege of Antioch ended in, that was part of the first crusade. At the second siege of Antioch began five days later.

Now that shows the stamina professional siege to add back then. Nowadays they'll be wanting at least six months off the rest, recuperate, analyse on the video what happened in the first siege, plus build up the anticipation in the media, get the hype going, and sell more pay-per-view tickets for the second siege. We're not back in 1098, you just did your siege. You had five days off to check whether you're alive,

dead or in between, shake off the odd bet of plague or dysentery, and then get back to business. Have we moved on as a species? I'll let you be the judge of that. That's incredible. So much anti-alkin, only five days of pro-oc. LAUGHTER Well, it's typical of negative negative mindset of the late 11th century.

Interestingly, according to Wikipedia, those are the only two things that ever happened on the 2nd of June before the year 1600. Really? Yeah, I'd get there's a lot of years before then, between 5,613 billion depending on which version of the Street of the University believes. so it's pretty quiet, day or end. Maybe it will bank holiday. It's quite possible, yeah, I guess, yeah, we'll never know. What's the difference between just a war and a crusade?

Does it have to be religious for it to be a crusade? Oh, I don't know, etymologically. I think the difference between a war and a crusade is the same, you know, like, because sadism comes from like pain, so that's kind of war related. Yeah. So there's a difference between a war and a crusade, a difference between a ship and a cruise ship. And so they're basically the same thing, but more angry old people, I think.

It's fair enough, yeah. But this could have a general in a crusade saying saying this is just turning into a shitty little war? As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week we have a special puzzle for you Now Vladimir Putin has been accused of exacerbating a global food crisis by stealing grain From the Ukraine now for all bug bugle listeners we have a special bugle brain teaser. You've got a rowing boat. There is a bag of grain, Vladimir Putin, who is, as previously discussed, a chicken and a fox. How do you get them all safely across the lake to the international criminal court? Bearing in mind that the fox is Edward Fox, the actor,

in his role as an assassin from the day of the jackal Please send your answers by surface mail to an address of your choosing and mark your envelope. Will we never learn? Total societal collapse news now and the United Nations has warned that global collapse is collapse news now and the United Nations has warned that global collapse is becoming more likely in a new report, a report in which some have claimed was actually watered down before being published, but still warns of total societal collapse. Now, Alice is our entire collapse of human civilization correspondent, a role which you fulfilled with great dignity over a recent years. I mean, it's just really the kind of language that's going to grab people's attention, warning of total societal collapse, rather than for example, you know, a long-term internet

outage, about not more likely to get people to think to get into it. Look, I think what you need to do is remember the first rule of writing and show, don't tell. So what you need to do is have a total civilizational collapse, and then people will get on board with it as a news item. That not a single major newspaper picked up on the total civilizational collapse bit of the UN report. The instead focused on a bunch of other parts of the report,

including, you know, yeah, keep spending money and building up your economies bunch of other parts of the report, including, you know, yeah, keep spending money and building up your economies, which is sort of the bit that I don't think we really should be doing. I haven't been this disappointed since I found out that the art of war wasn't one of those expensive coffee table picture books. But the important note is that at least four of the nine planetary boundaries are Outside of the safe operating space for temperature. Oh, that's still five out of nine That are fine then I mean that's that's a majority so we're still winning essentially

Yes, yes, we are winning except all the people in those dangerous places are heading to the places that aren't quite as dangerous Which will make those places more dangerous is dangerous, which will make those places more dangerous, civilizational, he's speaking. The report lists a bunch of cities that will be underwater by 2050. And both where my parents live and where I live are the first five on that list. And the only happiness there for me is that I'll hopefully be dead by 20 minutes. But it's a Mumbai and Calcutta are right up there, one because it's in the Ganges Delta and the other because the Arabian Sea is going to go bachelors crazy.

It's already has four cyclones in off season. So I have chosen well Andy in where to live because they won't exist as places. Well, I guess if the whole planet is going to have societal collapse, then it doesn't really matter where you've got anywhere to live because they won't exist as places. Well, I guess if the whole planet's gonna have societal collapse, then it doesn't really matter where you've got anywhere to live or not. So, yeah, let's put that positive side. I'm just gonna say it varies for person to person because lately I've been in this country now for a month

and a lot of people have been complaining about like a complete societal collapse. And it varies because for one person, it was the fact that he couldn't get Brussels sprouts at the local co-op and he said in the local paper society is collapsing. And another person I read in the paper missed his flight from Manchester to Austria because there was a six hour wait in Manchester airport apparently there are no people so there are cues outside the airport and he said civilization has ended.

I think he wasn't going to get revert. So it is very personal and I'm going to lose both the towns I grew up in because they'll be under the sea. One guy, Mr. Flight and one guy, Konger, bus and Sprout. So I think it varies. I think it manifests itself in many different forms. Fortunately here in Britain we don't need to worry about total of societal collapse either in this country or indeed the rest of the world because this week we have a Jubilee marking 70 years of Queen Elizabeth the

second being on the throne raining gloriously happily and victoriously I think if I recall the national anthem, which I'm a bit rusty on. The alarming news, the Archbishop of Canterbury has been ruled out of Jubilee due to Covid. I don't know if they're going to get the lead of another major religion to step in, which could allow them things up a bit. I mean, it's just so wonderful. I'm not sure we've ever needed a Jubilee quite as much as we do now. Not only is there the total societal collapse of the entire world, but also the absolute devastation of British politics as a functioning entity,

as manifested by the current Prime Minister, the various reports into him and the fact that he is still the current Prime Minister and not the formal Prime Minister, the various reports into him and the fact that he is still the current Prime Minister and not the formal Prime Minister. But I mean, it's wonderful that you're both here for this Jubilee. I know isn't that a K-Mandy. It's very exciting time. The latest tributes include that the DNA of all British citizens is to be rebranded as ENA, standing for Elizabetho's nuclear acid, to pay tribute to the role that Queen has played in defining exactly how British we all are. And possible, the government is going to change the entry requirements for people wishing to move to this country. They must

have at least 50% of the same DNA as the Queen. Of course, natural warm Brits have a solid 80 to 85% just by birth, whereas there is non-brits at large roaming the analysts of the second world, Carrier, maximum of 3% of the Queen's DNA. A course of injections over a couple of decades can actually turn a non-brit into a perfectly serviceable Brit if they sing the national anthem in the shower every morning during that time and where Union Jack Hunter pants on birthdays, Christmases and all days of roll significance. So, you know, I think that shows what an open-minded nation that we have become. If a mere porn walks from one side of the UK to the other one step at a time when they reach the other side, they turn into the Queen. Yes,

they become a Queen. Yeah, you often hear talks of people walking from lands end to Johnner Groves, from the typical almost of the typical Scotland. If you come the other way, that legislation. You win. Can I just say, you know, a big fan of the monarchy always have been, but I've lost a bit of interest in the monarchy when a couple of things happened. One, since they lost their power to behead people, it was far more interesting to be in front of a monarchy, who had absolute power to behead you. Right. It was far more interesting to be in front of a monarch who had absolute power to behead you, as opposed to a monarch.

Well, I think that is one of the reasons we voted for Brexit, because that's a traditional British freedom's back. And secondly, as an Indian subject to the empire, it is now voluntary for me to come and pay tribute to the Queen. No. Highly uninteresting. Not compulsory. George V.

If he showed up in India, it was compulsory for an Indian prince to show up and pay obedience. I think that's a word that came out of the empire. We just had to bow and say, don't take away my kingdom. You can charge whatever tax you want. Give me the security of the British army. You had to do all that. You have my force.

You had to show up. Now it's like, do you want to come? Do you know what? It's fine. It's very, I don't know if I like this monarchy. Right, okay. I'm just too much choice. It's interesting, you know, to hear that, you know, that rare argument in favor of the full-reestablishment of the British Roche and of Apple. Thanks, but on the people we like to put alternative viewpoints. Yeah. I mean, even if the Raj has a hole, but on the bugle, we like to put alternative viewpoints. Yeah. I mean, even if God derives as a whole, but just the power of the money. Right, okay.

You know, just, just the raw, raw, raw, to rush. Just the raw bit. You know, just get the beheadings back and get some power back, like at least to put you in shackles. Or something, so I'm like, my God, man, this is the queen.

Yeah. Well, I think I'm going to she'd look at me. She's 96 now. And, you know, she's been restricted as a monarch for pretty much all the 70 years has been professional Professionally monicking so yeah, maybe I think she's earned the right to To bring back some of those old techniques. Um, just recently a space project has been announced by the British government to project a hologram of the Queen's be atyfically smiling face permanently onto the skies above Britain.

It will cost only £7 billion a month, which seems like a bargain for what it is. Sinek has pointed out that the giant space queen face may not be visible when it's cloudy, which sometimes is in Britain despite her Majesty's presence and all herself was work over the last 70 years. But the knowledge that it is there could boost economy by up to 287% according to a visibly emotional at Frampton, Halfbury, the Minister for Impostoning, Britishness and Public Joy. So a lot of exciting things happening right now. I am just so happy to be here for Stodenhenge. You know, Stodenhenge to fully reach its

absolute potential. We've not wondered for thousands of years what this mysterious hinge was for and now we know it was for hosting eight projected pictures of the Queen at various ages. I've never seen such a noble monument, so a noble. Well, it's interesting that because Stonehenge tradition only works at mid-summer as a henge. But what this suggests is that because these pictures of the Queen have been projected on Stonehenge now, that we are at the exact midpoint of her reign. LAUGHTER So we are 70 years into the 140 years of glorism.

I mean, do you guys feel enough as being done for the Jubilee, like they're planning parties and so on, people are drinking, but, for example, I recently saw there was show in London where the various members of ABBA are coming back to life in a sort of 3D, simulated kind of show where they'll be, what is that word where you you've got... Projected.

Projected, thank you. Yes, yes. But the most important part was that this show was created by the members of AAPA. Yes. So it's sort of a very highly technological version of, hey, remember when we used to that? Yeah, and then there'll be a concert in 3D doing that.

Now, couldn't somebody just bring all the old British monarchs back to congratulate the Queen? I mean, I know you have a favorite child's the first. You'd done a show near a place where he was tried and behead him. I did it. I did it. I did it. A show in the room outside which yes child the first was executed in 1649. Yeah. and I think it's called a banketing hall on Whitehall and it was this huge great echoey room and he was executed on the balcony outside and it let me to think that the last thing that went through his head because this room behind him was so echoey was the echo of himself saying out which must have been gaulling at best but yes I did yeah I'm not just making my favourite monarch monarch, but you've been in the same

room as I have. So this is what I mean. There's a little Henry VIII patch on the back to Elizabeth II. We'd like to see all of them back in concert at the O2. I think that could do. And essentially you should say that because as part of the Jubilee celebrations, all of Shakespeare's history plays featuring British monarchs will now feature a pre-show warning for audiences that not all monarchs have been quite as flawless as our current and eternal future queen. There's also a special edition of Richard III, which is going to be performed at the even more royal Shakespeare company that's been renamed in which Queen Elizabeth, the second appears on the battlefield at Bosworth, the climax at the moment, the conclusion of

the Wars of the Rose, and formulates a climactic moment, the conclusion of the Wars of the Rose, and formulates a truce between the Yorkists and the Lanky Lanky Lanky Lanky Lanky Lankestrians, that result in Richard III not being cabab to death or stopping the nation for a horsey or getting a lift back to the car park, and then she rains over us for the next 537 years to date and counting. So these are, I mean, it's all. That's incredible to me. So she would be Elizabeth the first and second Together. Yeah, there's a Elizabeth one in a half. I don't think we identify me to one and a half or three do you average it out or do you add it together? You add it to your maybe multiply and then she still is with the second which might be easier

Reprinting the currency. I mean she takes after her father is Elizabeth the first King Henry the eighth was not big on minimalism so let's make it three. Also have you read up on the events that are happening in the Jubilee? They're just absolutely wildly specific and pointless. There's this parade constituted of all these people, a lot of people operating puppets symbolizing things and then they're from so like it's a choir of left-handed school children from a small town outside Brighton operating an 18-foot puppet of a hand that will do the distinctive QE-2 way to symbolize her stalwart contribution to England's cloud tradition of being patronizing it's all it's that kind of thing and you sort of need a

manual to know what's going past you because it's just gonna look like a bunch of s*** going for a walk. She's absolutely right. Is she going to be the longest reigning monarch of all time ever, ever, ever recording? I think she's about two years away from breaking the all time record for any monarch anywhere. Wow.

Come from already the British champion. Yeah. Longest reigning monarch. Um, plus, you know, if she gets awarded extra years as a, because you know, often if you're in a job for a long time, you get a bonus, don't you? A bonus, yeah. You think maybe they'd just tag on another 20s.

Actually, she's 90s. But not counting the ones who are the, you know, director for some identification of God, who's obviously eternal, that doesn't. Yeah. How many Jubilee's does that get? I know some of you, there's been a number of pretty low-quality monarchs that maybe she could be really attributed

like King John. Yeah, I think we had about 16 years as we can tag them on. Yeah. That would improve life for British people in the early 13th century and I mean that the Queen is now way out on her own as the longest-serving monarch. I think I've solved the equation of the Jubilee, which is its representative group, plus large pointless thing equals metaphor for something. Right.

That's a very complex mathematical equation you've thrown in the internet. That's quite impressive. It's quite impressive to come up with that level of maths, the day after a 24-hour flight. I thought about it the whole way. And a good summary of the nation. And I think Jubilee celebrations have come down a little bit. I was doing a bit of research on long Indian emperors. And the longest we had was emperor Akbar, 50 years.

And he celebrated it by smashing the heads of rival, basically, rival tribes who were up against, with elephants. So he brought in elephants and he smashed the heads of rival prisoners he'd taken at war and there was a big celebration, people ate and drank. So to clarify were the elephants on the ends of mallets or were they? I don't know, I was there, 1512, but I can check. I could ask a friend who attended the other pass. But clearly celebrations have come down a lot. Now it's Capuera, Flavvig, Ving, Gin and Tonic, Campari. It's very different now. Well, that's because of the woke lobby. They want you to crush people's heads

with elephants anymore. Now I know. It's just something as a species, I think. I want to talk to the elephant in the room speaking of which is that there will be a cascade of pensioners in mobility scooters dressed as flamingos. That's good. Right. And I just want to be literally cascading over a cliff into the street. Nothing I hate more than old people. No. Old people dressed as flamingos. Old people dressed as flamingos. No, it's a terrible thing for me because I'm a big fan of all people. Yeah. And I've beaten the odds at least. And not such a fan of flamingos, sort of a singularity of contradiction in place right

there. This was an actual event, I mean. Yes, this is part of the Jubilee Parade, which is why I feel like I have to address it because I know that there will be listeners who have the Jubilee program out eagerly in front of them with that bit circled Waging pantingly to hear what I have to say about it, which is that it's shit Shit idea and it'll be badly executed. I don't like it and I hope this good is breakdown See this is the thing some of the events. I don't even know if they're ironic or real There's never a bunch of all people dressed as birds

No, no, it's Britain. They'll be doing the parade, sarcastically. Of course they won't. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's an awesome extraordinary thing, including the government in the last week, suggestion bringing back the old imperial measurements as part of the Jubilee Festival of Nostalgic Patriotism and also a celebration

of our freedom from the decimalisation that we like to think Brussels inflicted on us even though that isn't technically true. So going back to these old imperial measurements. Now better in mind, government statistics have suggested that 17 million adults, almost half of the working age population of England, have the numeracy level expected of primary school children, bringing back these mathematically baffling measurements is maybe not the best way to boost the economy. So I mean, for those of you unfamiliar with the way we used to measure things, for example, in a distance, there were eight furlongs in a mile, ten chains in the furlong, 66 feet

in a chain, which of course is also 11 fathoms long, and you need 5,280 fathoms to make up a league, and to understand all of that helps to drink three quarts of meat and or a gill and a half of whiskey. Then, of course, you've got 13 scrobbles in a black part, 9 black parts in a canert, half a canert makes up a watch and a forks worth, which is the same as 24 hog bollocks, a weirdo's dozen phalaciacs or two family fun buckets. The government has been accused of trying to weaponize nostalgia at this time where there's a cost of living crisis that is causing havoc around the country. I guess the thinking is, let's give them some credit because we do criticize the government quite a bit on this show that if you can't afford a pound of potatoes

that's better than if you can't afford a kilogram of potatoes because you're actually losing less food if it's just a pound because that is 453.6 grams is a pound rubbed the thousand grams so you actually only be 0.4536 times as hungry. So you can see the logic. Well, it also won't matter when a pound of potatoes cost as much as a kilo of potatoes used to be because you won't be able to do the conversion in your head, it'll be much, much more confusing to try and do the conversion. All I can say is when I saw this announcement, I thought I would like to put my foot near his inch. The origin of the term Jubilee actually goes way back. William the Conqueror's 20th anniversary celebration.

I know, and there's a fog. In 1086, 20 years on the throne, and he converted to Judaism. Hence, Jubilee. LAUGHTER I saw that coming from so far away. Journalists are super excited. They're sort of preemptively speculating

that the queen may or may not, but come out on her balcony to watch this parade go past. And I just think that is the epitome of the monarchy. People are dancing around in their mobility scooter. Flamingo's there, operating 25 foot high, me of the monarchy. People are dancing around in their mobility scooter, flamingos, they're operating 25-foot-high puppets of children cleaning cars, and she might come out on her balcony, and that's the news story. Yes. More, it's very exciting. There's nothing more exciting than seeing an old woman wave on a balcony. A genuinely sore and a news piece, where the headline was

and wave on a balcony. A genuinely sore and a news piece where the headline was notable times Queen Elizabeth stood on the balcony. And you know I think the UN... Makes the whole nation feel creepy. Yeah it was the I mean the the Hendo was particularly spectacular. That was she moond the nation. That's what that Bill Balkan is there for India news now one thing she won't be eating the Queen at Jubilee celebration or indeed at any point in the future if news reports I'll be believed is a mango Because and if I was a mango correspondent Bad news the mango crop is failing. Turbo news, Andy. I mean, I've been your mango correspondent for years now.

And it's blistering heat in India. New York Times wrote the story. It's devastated the crop. The soul of the farmer shudders, it's seeing these fruitless trees. That's what the name turns out. Basically, it's so hot, in March and April, you need a certain kind of heat for the mango to blossom. And it's been so hot, mango. Now what has it been, sir? It's been 44 degrees. And in some parts of India, it's gone up to 47.

It's been so hot that I'm sitting in Andy's house. It's been so hot that I'm sitting in Andy's house. It's been, fruits are exploding, lots of crop wheat that grows this time of year. We cannot supply to the rest of the world. And indeed the question being asked is an existential one in India, which is what is India without the mango? It's a question I've asked about the world as well. What is the United Kingdom without Winston Churchill, the Queen and Andy's ultimate?

What is indeed Australia without Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Don Bradman and Alice Fraser? And what is India, you know, without Mahatma Gandhi and the Mangal? That was a great kid's book, by the way. So, Russell Crowe's New Zealander. That's one of the problems. That is why Australia is losing. It's status in the world because one of its leading people who's considered Australia is not even from Australia.

That's part of the problem. So we have a huge mango problem. We may not, and as fellow Buickler Harry Condomaloo has talked about in his stand-up, we don't eat the mango. We make love to the mango, we make love to the mango while he does. He loves his mangoes. He does. He's written an entire stand-up special about it and we have no mangoes this year. So there's really nothing unique about the Indian fruit landscape. We have nothing to present to the world except Prime Minister Modi. He's not a mango.

So obviously on one level. And about this is a story of great human tragedy for the many farmers dependent on a mango crop. And it's also another warning about the whole total societal collapse of the world, Stick and all the who high around the devastation of the planet and the woke lobby, winging about the end of all viable lifers, we know it. But on another level, I want my fucking mangoes! Because the mango is objectively one of the natural world's greatest creation. In fact, I've been doing a knockout competition to find out what is the natural world's greatest creation.

I've got to the quarter final stage, it's mangoes against waterfalls for the right to play, sunlit mountain range in the semi-final. Mango had some pretty easy wins in the early rounds, surrough wasps, no problem, drizzle, not contest. Then some more impressive victories at the tournament progress and the matches became more competitive for mangoes beat rhinoceros, is win sweat, cliffs and a sensational clash against coral reefs in the last 16 that went to a penalty shootout. But I mean, the mangoes are pretty big deal in Australia. It's a pretty big deal in Australia, usually around the time of my birthday is what I call mango week.

No one else calls it, but it's a special holiday in my house. It's where you can afford a crate, it's like a tray of about 26 mangoes for less than $20. It used to happen when I was a child, down a longer a last, but then you would just eat nothing but mangoes and make yourself incredibly sick. Just eat mangoes for weeks and weeks. Yeah, weirdly, one of those things that even when you get sick after eating too many mangoes, they don't, you don't, it doesn't turn you off them.

Yeah, it does not. I mean, that's the history of India in a thousand years people eat mangoes and fight over who's mangoes the best. Still there. And one of the things is Indians are surprisingly getting along with each other because summer is when you fight over which part of India has the best mango And now when you don't have any mangoes to fight over you surprise they have nothing to talk about And the thing is I think the only answer is now you know what's going to happen with Abba and the Jubilee which is 3D mangoes

We'll have to be creative So, that's the 3D hologram... The hologram, man. That's the word I've been looking for. The hologram. Thank you, Andy. We will be doing an Aberstyle bugle show featuring a hologram, John Oliver at some point. Sure.

In the next... Yes, it'll involve projection, but it's mainly just emotionally projecting our childhood issues onto the audience. Boris Johnson update now and the Sue Gray report was finally published last week after considerable delays for various reasons. For those of you without the time or inclination to wait through the full report which comes in around about 60 pages we have marched it down through an online condenser summaristicator and then translated it into two languages for you. In traditional English, it translates into a savage indictment of a self-indulgent

culture of crass, political indifference. In Boris Johnsonian English, it translates to a full vindication. It's, if this had all come out at the time, it would have been, I think, almost certainly terminal to Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, but there's this kind of bizarre way in which just the fact that it's come out so slowly has sort of bought him time rather than, you know than it's kind of been a gradual investigation by investigation drip dribble because time is not only a great healer, it is also a f***ing phenomenal and kneezy act and it's sort of dead and we've all been there, we've all come home to find a dead unicorn on the sofa, haven't we? And now initially there's shock, there's disgust. You know, it's hard to live with the stench, but gradually, as humans, we get used to it.

And as the decay sets in, it even gets interesting watching the process. And eventually, it's just a perfectly normal unicorn skeleton that has become part of the furniture. Nothing exceptional. When visitors ask why you don't get rid of it, you say, well, A, none of your f**king business, B, he'll be right as rain in no time, and

C, if we're talking about home improvements, don't think we should all be focusing on the damn issue from the bath of left running for the last six weeks first, rather than the dead unicorn. And that's essentially the situation we are in with the Sue Gray report. Do you have you miss a red out on the flight, Alice? I imagine it was, yes, it was riveting reading the Sugary Report. I feel like this is the tactic of politicians nowadays. Is there leak things before there is proof,

and then by the time there is proof, people's outrage has run out. Outrage prices have shot through the roof. You can only sustain outrage for so long before it becomes weary in difference and a sort of a sour contempt that erodes your very soul. you can only sustain outrage for so long before it becomes weary in difference and a sort of a sour contempt that erodes your very soul which is, you know, fun but not quite as aligned with political action. I have a question for the both of you. I mean, I don't live in a Western style democracy. I live in Gents of Gentle Fascism, but in your work the best kind of fascism has to be said gentle is the best One of the things the Prime Minister said is your Prime Minister said is that well accountability is a Variable word and I wanted to know what he meant by that apparently

You don't have to be entirely account of what? Oh, no,, it's like the phrase, and he uses it, he said, he takes full responsibility. Now bearing in mind, this is 2022. Taking full responsibility means saying or taking full responsibility and then taking absolutely no responsibility. So it's the same with accountability. It's just a word. It's just sounds. I mean, it's a social construct essentially.

If you just, before language existed, if you'd said accountability, no one would have known what you meant. And really, it's just getting back to that elemental state of human existence. I think we're all better for it. So it's a hologram of morality instead of a real moral. Well, I mean, I think we're all better for it. So it's a hologram of morality instead of a real moral. Well, I mean, I think so. Why is Johnson that held on to power? I mean, fundamentally, his driving political philosophy is that he should be in power, and you cannot spell failure of leadership without lure of leadership. So in this post-ethical morality

of a landscape of modern politics, we live in it. It's just turned out to be another everyday commoner garden survivable massive embarrassment for Boris Dunham's and the undisputed Michael Jordan of inexplicably shambling through despite everything. He said he was humbled, which was, I mean Boris Dunham's saying he was humbled. He's a man who wears humility as comfortably as a vegan pope wears a tiger skin gimp outfit. LAUGHTER Similarly, if Boris Johnson could say he's humbled,

I would like to say that I am absolutely ripped. I benched 480 and I'm world 800 metre record holder, having just this afternoon, dipped under the magical one minute, 40 second mark. I don't know what the vegan pope's into, but don't kink shame. LAUGHTER I mean, one minute, 40 second mark. Well, I don't know what the vegan pubes into, but don't kink shame. LAUGHTER And I'm a very nice vegan guy who's

into leather fetish gear. It's a very conflicted sexual scenario. But is he also devout and religious? Well, I think it depends if you can't veganism as a religion. It is too many, I mean. Now, you guys, and maybe you as a religion. Of course, it is to many of me. Now, you guys, and maybe you're coming to this Andy, and just have a quick question,

you guys have something called the ministerial court of ethics. Yes. Yeah, we don't have that. And apparently now you don't either. Well, no, I mean, the thing is we have this code of ethics, and it's turned out it's really inconvenient if you're a massively unethical politician. So therefore, Boris Johnson is essentially saying that it's kind of voluntary and, you know,

if you do something naughty, just fuck it. I just feel like we've really been underwriting hypocrisy for far too long. Is it not that politicians weren't always good? It's that they used to pretend that they weren't? I never realized until now how valuable that pretence was. So we're at a more honest age of open hypocrisy. Yeah, we're in a more honest age of open shittness. But I'm not even like, I'm not

shit, they're like, yeah, I'm shit, but it's charming question not in question mark. Well, that's absolutely'm shit, but it's charming. Question mark and question mark. That's absolutely true. I mean, if you guys don't have a ministerial code of ethics to violate, then you haven't violated anything. Exactly. It's a very good way around it. And it was a kind of strange line of defense at Boris Johnson to say that.

It shouldn't have been in code. There should have been in plain English. LAUGHTER Have you read the Magna Carta? That is code. So his defence was essentially to say that he didn't know what was going on amongst his staff or in his house. So it's a kind of strange lot of defence for a Prime Minister to say, I am completely

f***ing clueless and therefore I should stay in my job. But that's where we are. So without a ministerial court of ethics conceivably a minister could just run around naked in Parliament shouting obscenities while doing cartwheels. Yes. And that would not violate it's ridiculous. It's merely perception isn't it? Again, what does violation mean without meaning? And of course one person's massively incriminating overwhelming body of evidence is another person's, yeah, whatever. Fair, fair. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's but it's been lovely to have you in my slightly chaotic dining room surrounded by pictures of old dead cricketers

and 125-year-old cricket back in the corner and a sculpture of my own head in the child. So, yeah, it makes a different kind of recording studio. I'm even joyed in. I've enjoyed it so much. It's been a genuine delight. I feel very happy. I'm very humble to be here. I feel like I'm somewhere between a free Mason society and a tea. Are you humble to an a Boris Johnson kind of yes? A variable accountability, yeah.

But yeah, I also feel like I'm in your Jubilee ante. Every day is a Jubilee where I am. Alex, you are doing shows. I mean, you didn't come here just to record the beauty. I did not come here just to record the beauty. I am doing shows not very many. I'm trying to be a reasonable human being about the process of being a new parent and a comedian at the same time. So, find the, I will be announcing them on Twitter at allit.it.it. Alighter, ATIVE and Instagram the same address. All of my stuff is on my patreon patreon.com slash Alice Fraser on my website. There are links to all the gigs and ticket things. I'll also be in Edinburgh.

Also I have a podcast, which is the sister podcast to this podcast. It's the glossy magazine to the Bugles Audio and Newspaper for Visual World. It's called The Gaggle and about this sometimes on it. You should come on one day. Yes. I've been quite busy, but yes. Yes, we've been missing you down at Gaggle Headquarters. And it covers topics from this planet and various other planets as well. No, that was the other one. That was the last part. That's still there. 366 days of absolute f***ing nonsense. It's available on the internet. That is just, you know, somewhere

of the average earth year now. And if I have any shows. Well, yeah, I mean, the reason, yeah, I'm doing some shows around the UK and they're, you know, I tweet about them. But the main thing is I did a Amazon special for SoHo on the Empire, and which is out.

And it's really nice to hear, nice to hear feedback from people on Twitter. Feedback like, where is it, question? You'd send them the link and they write back, oh. So I really like the fact that modern entertainment in the streaming world is so engaging with the audience that you send it out into the black hole and nothing comes back. But it's streaming on Amazon Prime UK and it's by the Empire. And apparently now there are other topics I should write about, but I didn't think there was any other

topic than the Empire. You can hear me hosting the news quiz for the next couple of weeks where towards the end of the middle series of the year that is available on BBC Sounds. We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. You can no longer get a lie told about you. We will get through all those who have subscribed before the lie scheme ended, but we do now have a wall of fame for our premium level voluntary prescribers and bonus bits of merch as well. For premium level volunteer prescribers, so do join the scheme or to make a one-off or a current contribution. Whether any size to help keep the bugle free flourishing independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

and click the donate button. David Miles was once given a voucher for a free trip to Madagascar by a local travel company only to be disappointed on reading the small print so that the company pledged only to contribute to the trip an inflatable dinghy, 50 tins of soup, and a guide to marine life that gave tips on what things are and are not edible when attempting to survive alone on the ocean. A wastempted says David, a must say, but I don't really like soup and I'd lost my tin open in any case, so I had to turn it down. Craig Wersley Grace was disappointed to read that spiders have no mental framework for appreciating the aesthetic beauty of their own webs. What a real pity for the arachnid community, Lamentzkreg. Sure, I'm sure they

appreciate the practicality of their impressive web work, but imagine seeing a spider's web glistening with Jew on a chilly spring morning and thinking, shit, my office is damn rather than, wow, isn't that wonderful? What a sad way to live." Due to a misprint in a library book, Julie Nosco has spent much of her adult life thinking that Socrates, the celebrity ancient Greek philosophy whiz and all-around smart-ass, was sentenced to be executed by having to consume French fish. My book definitely said he had to poise on himself, says Julie. Of course I thought it was a bit odd, but this happened 2,400 years ago, and as per their vases, they did some pretty weird shit, so it did sort of add up.

Sajan Hira once calculated that if you strang together all the tape from cassette tapes of prog rock albums released in the 1970s, he could probably lasso Jupiter and fling it out of the solar system. I didn't bother doing the maths very accurately, says Sajan, because I knew I wouldn't have in the 1970s, he could probably lasso Jupiter and fling it out of the solar system. I didn't bother doing the maths very accurately, because I knew I wouldn't have the time or more importantly the funding to put my scheme into practice, but I've always hated Jupiter as a planet, to my mind being a big ball of gasses no use to anyone, so I found the idea that I could theoretically wang it into outer space, strangely comforting.

And finally, Philip Reeves doesn't know how he would feel if he was a horse. A hope I would come to terms with my species declining influence in society, says Philip, and accept it as an inevitable part of the advance of technology, and as a chance to get back to my innate horse itself. But I can't help thinking I'd miss the feeling of playing a crucial role. I mean, just being a horse is okay and don and get me wrong, but aside from that, you're a little more than a conduit for the social curse of gambling, and anachronism for ceremonial pageantry, or an excuse for police officers not to do their own dirty work with crowds.

I'll be honest, I'm conflicted, but luckily, I'm not a horse, so it's okay. Here end if this week's lies. Goodbye. not a horse so it's okay. Here end if this week's lies. Goodbye.