The Bugle - Ram the Ramparts - Bugle 4114

Episode Date: July 6, 2019

Donald Trump doesn't know what a rampart is, Brexiteers don't know what slavery is and cat filters are taking over politics. Andy is with Alice and Anuvab Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, viewers and welcome to issue 4,114 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

I am Andy Zoltzmann and I live in London. It is Friday the 5th of July and I have beaten to 27 days of cricket in the last 33 Who? I that's a lot of cricket. I mean any cricket is a lot of cricket. I mean, any cricket is a lot of cricket. Yeah, but that's a lot of cricket. That's a whole point of cricket. It's supposed to be a lot of fun. It's supposed to take ages. And I've never been so divorced from reality as I am now. That is a hotly contested cycle. Because I have devoted my entire working life to avoiding reality. MUSIC MUSIC

Joining me this week, a glass of water, and also, the woman who just pulled that glass of water. MUSIC 15-time water glass, poorer, poorer champion of Australia, Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Annabelle, hello Vuculus. You can't say hello to Avin' and introducing me, no one knows he's saying it. MUSIC Hello Andy, hello Andy, whole thing out of the water. Hello Andy. Hello, Budalus. Hello, mystery guest.

Joining us. Joining us. Any guesses, Budalus. It is all the way from Mumbai, India. Alavabh Pau. Hello, Andy. Hello. I have to say this, Andy. You've been quite popular in the subcontinent. When a tiny, tiny population of a billion people

and you've been presenting statistics, actual facts and in a post-truth world that qualifies you to at least run for Prime Minister of India. I'm happy to give it a go to be honest. Yeah, I've been churning out actual facts, albeit facts about something that is pretend for the last five weeks. It's been a very strange experience for me, given that I usually...

Is it? ...philosophically object to the concept of facts. It's like a double negative, isn't it? Because my facts are about cricket, which is essentially made up. So it's facts about something that is pretend, which is so you can have that or you can have lies about real stuff in politics but you can't have if you multiply them together it's absolute chaos. We are recording on Friday the 5th of July. A few questions about Friday the 5th of July. Question one is Friday the 5th actually more

unlucky than Friday the 13th? Was Jesus really born on the 5th of July And if not why not if the battle hastings have taken place on the 5th of July Instead of the 14th of October would France now be part of Sussex and why was the 5th of July so special to the dinosaurs and the answers to those questions No, no and none of your business. No, but it would have been a draw and it wasn't No, no and none of your business. No, but it would have been a draw and it wasn't As as always a section of the Google is going straight in the bin this week a philosophy section in the bin We look at interesting new branches of philosophy including marquee Marxism Is that where you wake up at 2.30 in the morning and play a 30 minute round of golf.

What? Mark Walberg put out his self-calendar. Oh, yes, no, you're right. And he actually did that on stage runs. God, he got that. But, yes, but it is, it is very much his philosophy of life and new teleterrorism, which is the, the philosophy that everything is better for everyone if you get a new TV set. Also, we ask them a big philosophical questions in the world today, including our chair's reel. If three people are in an aeroplane that there are only two parachutes, should you

shove someone out in mid-air just in case even if there's nothing wrong with the plane to avoid a potential awkward situation later. The Philosopher's Axe, which is that famous old Dalquondry, if you have an axe, but don't really care for manual labor and don't need to chop any wood and don't really know how to wield an axe safely, is it still an axe? And the elephant on the water slide, the old philosophical conundrum, how do you deal with it? Do you remove it with a crane?

Do you shove it down the water slide or do you blow up the entire swimming pool complex? There is no right answer to that. Truly, the Kobayashi Maru of Elephant Water Slide Scenarios. or do you blow up the entire swimming pool complex? There is no right answer to that. Ha ha ha ha ha. Only two. Truly, the Kobayashi Maru of Elephant Waterslide Scenarios. Anyway, that philosophy section in the bin. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP American news now happy 5th of July Andy This week we celebrate the countryness of one of our modern world's most countryest countries. Oh say can you see By the dawn's early light. Yes, that's what light is for that is how it works also I'm not in the news this week the first of July was Canada day

But you don't hear them making a big fuss about it. You don't hear, oh Canada, Canada, Canada, I don't know. And I only knew it was Canada Day because I have a Canadian friend sleeping on my couch and he didn't get home till quite late. There's no tank parades, there's no fireworks, there's just maple syrup and a doughnut, one doughnut, not too many doughnuts. But there's a lot of news about the Fourth of July because Trump is receiving Flax for his extravagant and heavily choreographed Fourth of July celebrations, which included on the playlist

the Star Wars theme song, Military Flyovers, which is where lots of planes go around looking like they're hunting for a parking spot in a crowded mall. And a lot of bloopers, it's enough to make you feel sorry for Trump, you feel like you can't do anything right, but then you realize he can't do anything right. His fourth of July speech betrayed a sort of loose jazz interpretative historical understanding of the American War of Independence, or as the British called it at the time, stop at your grounded la la la, I'm not listening. My favorite bit was that

when he was referring to the fighting force created by the Continental Congress in 1775, Trump said, our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports. I mean, that is a lot of sentence to unpack. First, manned the air. What is that? I mean, the last time someone manned the air in my presence, I had to open a window. And as for the second half of that sentence, my issue was not so much with the idea that and the air in my presence I had to issue with that sentence is with ram the ramparts I don't know what he thinks a rampart is and I desperately want to give him a packet of felt tip pins and make him draw one for me I mean ram the rampart sounds like it might be some kind of mascot for some

military hardware And very useful in modern warfare where ramparts are very much in vain. But it was the Trump, a glorious demonstration, everything that makes America great and to people who disagree with Trump, it was a glorious demonstration of everything that is making America absolutely terrible. I guess it shows how country can go in different ways. Well the perfect example of where ambition met realism was that he insisted on having tanks, but they were too heavy for the part of the grounds that he wanted them on, so they just had to sit in the side streets. So I don't know about you guys, but look, military pomp is I think it's a necessary thing in 2019. I mean wherever I go,

tanks go before me and I just had to look this up. So I looked up emperors who make crazy entrances because I would assume that Trump wants to embrace that kind of emperor like pomp. And I found this guy in Mongolia, Hula Ghukhan, relative of the well-known maraudant Twitter addict, Chengist Khan. And he used to enter rooms every time to celebrate a military victory. When he entered the room as an emperor,

before him were always dwarves throwing rose petals, followed by a retiny of trumpeteries on mules. Right. And I'm presumably, he was all about the airports as well, back in the day, wasn't he? You control the Mongolian airports, you control the whole of Asia. My thing with all sort of displays of military power is most militaries in the world seem to have an issue with knees. They all move their knees in weird ways. It makes you make you very self-conscious about your knees. If you want to military much, you're like,

is that how they meant to go? Right. Absolutely. That's absolutely correct, Alice. It doesn't give rise to fear. You just think of calisthenics. You're not scared, which is the idea. India has a thing on 26 January of year called

the Republic Day. And we usually invite some country we're fighting with and show them all our weapons. And you know, pass the flag and we sing the anthem and we show them all our air force and military and stuff. And that can go either way, right? I mean, either it's my god I'm so scared as your neighbor or is this all you've got?

I Mean I do think with Trump that there is an element of the the sort of neuro Collegula and I mean it does seem just a matter of time before there is a horse in Senate, I think But you have to ask, would that necessarily be a backward step for America as it is now? The horse is actually a creature much more given to compromise than the human being. So it's more horses in top level politics. Yeah and probably against factory farming. Not necessarily in France, I might go very badly wrong indeed.

necessarily in France, I might go very badly wrong indeed. A quick update on the British junta that is currently going on as last week, as in the last bugle, is still waiting for that UN Forster to restore the rule of law to Westminster. And it's, well, two Tory leaders left Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, the two candidates left for them. It's like Arley vs Frazier, but different in every single possible way. Other than that, we've quite a lot of people would like to assume both, and it punched in the face. Two men desperately trying to appeal to the 0.2% of the population who are allowed to have a say in who our prime ministers should be, who should be entrusted with the hammer and nails to ram through the metaphorical hands and feet of the younger disenfranchised generation of Britain as we break crucify ourselves onto the cross of conflict in democracy.

Jeremy Hunt this week appealed to the younger generation by suggesting another vote on Fox hunting. Because I mean, I have two young children aged, aged 12 and 10 now. And I've just lost count of the number of times I've picked up my kids from school and seen children weeping in their parents' arms when told no darling. We still can't pursue a fox with a pack of dogs and tear it limb from limb so much for freedom. You see the scales fall from their hires all the myths they've been told about them, mocks in their childhood fall away. If the wild success of Brexit has taught us nothing else is that if we're going to have a vote on Fox hunting, the foxes should get a say.

Absolutely. Get to a referendum, a referendum. Well, this is, this is it. I mean, we in Britain, we pride ourselves on our national sense of fair play. And it's it, British values, politicians are spouted on about it, British values. But we've never armed the foxes, it undercuts it at the very start. Now Andy Ellis, I've started,

I've just started following hashtag backbodies on Instagram, right? I don't know why, I guess I figured it's, you know, I need one follower at least. And it's got a lot of photos of him cuddling strange animals in rural England. I think they might be members of the Conservative Party. You might just check those photos again. And my question is, is that the sort of metal they're looking for in their future leader that's going to take them through the 21st century?

Someone who can hold small opassums? Well, I mean, to be honest, it's quite unclear what we are looking for. We appear to be looking for a proven liar, with no grasp of reality. The daily telegraph, if you're unaware of its work, it's carefully positioned itself as a British prof der for the Tory membership, very much the very trilliquist hand rammed up the arse of our probable future Prime Minister. They've really been out doing themselves of late. Let me quote from an article in the telegraph, this leadership election is special to the telegraph readers for two

reasons. First, most, if not all of those voting are also our readers, long lived mostly. And while that's through a many conservative content, this is a rare occasion when they are picking not just a party leader, but also a prime minister. And there is not even, there's not even, you know, reading this on the website, you'd expect some kind of pop up saying, irony alert there's not even, you know, reading this on the website, you'd expect some kind of pop-up saying, irony alert. No, you know, you get pop-ups for everything these days, but not even a warning saying, you may find this the following piece, arrogantly hypocritical and deeply disturbing.

Not even warning unfathomable lack of self-awareness alert. And then the article, also in the Daily Therapistist says Mr. Johnson graphs that Britain put its red lines in the wrong place that the essential issue is soventine that unless the EU thinks that Britain is willing to walk away it won't renegotiate it with draw agreement that is, quote, totally unacceptable to a Democrat. Read the first paragraph of your own f***ing article. If you want unacceptable to a Democrat, you've been glorying in the fact that your fucking readership is choosing my prime minister.

Describe Mr. Boris Johnson as quotes a brilliant communicator which is political talk for unusually confident liar and he says he deserves a chance to realize an ambition he has spent his entire career fighting for liberating Britain from the European Union and restoring its faith in itself. A career long ambition, he managed to suppress for so long, even writing articles in favour of remaining shortly before the referendum until it became clear that it might help his career to support it. Sorry, correct, a correction to pretend to support it, but at least he's at one with himself now.

Now there's been other Brexit news. Now let me just return to the cricket. I've had very few moments of downtime from the cricket world cup. What my average day involves is getting up early, doing some research about cricket statistics, then being on air for about eight hours on a BBC coverage, punctuated only by lunch, which in cricket press boxes ranges from pretty tidy attempts to pick up a Michelin star for the hungry hacks to something in Durham that was alleged to have been salmon, but I think was some kind of editable meditation

on medieval witchcraft. Then, so I do my eight down, then I do record a couple of things for a podcast. And then of what I do in a few moments of downtime is I think about all the things I've been unable to think about because I've been snouted down in cricket statistics and exactly how delightful it has been not to have to think about them. Now doing my cricket job for one of the better word is it is a genuine childhood dream. It is a constant delight. It is a have barely thought about Brexit and it is just just such a glowingly glorious thing to have had that level that level of distraction and amongst the things that I've barely thought about global warming

my missing sock was a good one too with a picture of fish on it. The regression of democracy on a global scale not thought about that. Whether that jar of gerkens open in May is still in the fridge or if someone else was eating it. The implications of a trade war with China, and whether or not I've still got the receipt for a suitcase I bought that keeps falling over and there's a knackensit less than two months after I bought it. All of those I can happily ostrich off to the back burner, and sizzling away like a heretic sausage on the 16th century archbishop of barbecue is Brexit. As the thing I've been able, I've been aware that I've not been thinking about it and I've f***ed it. However, returning to it for this week's bugle, reality is still there, Alice. In particular,

Anne Whitikham, now a former Tory cabinet minister, now... Yes, she has, she's one of six MEPs representing the South-West of England and she's's been criticized after saying the process of choosing the leadership of the EU has first chosen the best thing for Britain is to leave here as soon as possible, which is fair enough bureaucracy is annoying. But then she went on to say there is a pattern consistent throughout history of oppressed people turning on the oppressors' slaves against their owners, owners the peasantry against the feudal barons, colonies against their owners, the peasantry against the feudal barons, colonies against their empires, and that is why Britain is leaving.

She made these remarks during her maiden speech in the European Parliament on Thursday, and Labour MP David Lamy described her words as a historical, which I think is possibly the kindest term you could use. The National Board for Bad Comparisons awarded her their weekly award for most not noticing times of changed in public discourse in the last 200 years. The award is a gold flora and a plump tavern wench. People on the internet are obviously focusing on the slave part of that sentence comparison because if you take that out of context, it's a wildly inappropriate comparison that seems

to indicate either deep historical and linguistic confusion about the ways in which being a slave is the same as being a member of a governing body. But I'm more confused about her definition of the European Union as a feudal baron under which Britain is a surf. Did Angela Merkel demand the right of premonoctata upon her major name on this pitch? Ms. Whittickham told the BBC's Newslight that people had interpreted her speech in a melodramatic fashion, quote, melodramatic fashion, before demanding a fainting counter and a lollipop. I mean, there are key differences between what we first thought of when you look at it, slaves against their owners the

peasantry against the feudal barons and colonies against their empires Britain was on the wrong side of all of those three things which suggests we're on the wrong side of this one as well um and um big difference I mean as you as you said slaves I don't recall slaves voting by 67 to 33% majority to be owned by their owners of Britain voted to stay in the European community back in the 1970s. Slave owners also not renowned for focusing too much on their attention on workplace rights and health and safety regulation. Nor did the peasantry enjoy full voting rights alongside the feudal barons or a special veto, even. If the barons wanted to do something they didn't like, they didn't have a special veto like we have with Europe.

So slightly falls apart, things that didn't really suit them as peasants. And thus far, touch with the EU, it's yet to impose a religion, smallpox, and starvation on us as we did at our glorious imperial past. Other than that, of course, the comparison is valid. She also said, it doesn't matter which language you use, we are going and we are glad to be going.

No, it doesn't matter which one language we, we are going and we are glad to be going. No, it doesn't matter which like we there's one language we understand which is English not your word code. Cross the channel. So you defended her speech, Whitikam. Saying to News Knight, maybe she's News Knight program. If people want to interpret what I've said in a particular way, that is not my responsibility. Now I take that point but when you say interpret it in a particular way, they're interpreting it according to the words you said and the order in which you said them. I guess it's always dangerous as a politician that people may interpret your words in that way which is a bit unfair rather than just doing anagrams of them or you know interpreting them as some kind of satirical high coup.

My favourite part of this is that it is her maiden speech. This is a bold out of the gate move to just Describe reality presumably as she sees it. She genuinely perceives the British Empire as being this terrible oppressed Grovelling peasant in the like what is she? What is she doing with her brain that makes that reality real? Yes. Now Andy Ellis, having a little bit of experience on the other end of the Empire. Hey, I'm Australian. What type of Australian? Not a good one. And you know, things are pretty rough. And all I want to say is I've taken the Yerester and I have got from Brussels to London.

And it is a rough crossing. It's pretty rough. But I'm not entirely sure if it compares to the decimation of the Indian textile industry. Like for life. I don't know, you guys may feel different at a moment. It was ages ago. Anyway, I'm sure we all wait on this. Maybe she's right, and in 150 years time there'll be a hit film, 12 years of the leave.eu organization, which democratically uses his enormous wealth to skew our democratic discourse, says the British led the way on abolishing slavery. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We didn't entirely rush into abolishing slavery, but this is like saying well done to Uncle Gerald that Chris must dinner today

He was the only one to take his penis back out of the roast turkey And a Brexit path see spokesman added those who've raised this human Christ seem to desire nothing more than a cleansing of our language Of historical perspective. No, it's exact opposite people are calling for more historical perspective not less historical perspective. No, it's exact opposite. People are calling for more historical perspective, not less. But I guess there's a very great danger if you're on the populist side of the political sea So that if you allow historical perspective to creep into your propaganda people might look at the next poster of desperate people For example seeking a better life in another country. I think, oh, yes, that does all make a perfect sense It in more brexity as behaving badly in news, there was a bunch of them led by Nigel Farage, who turned their back on the playing of the European Anthem and School Choir, end of

year concert classic Od to Joy, which is the best way of showing that not only don't you understand how post-World War National diplomacy works, you also don't understand how music works. It can get you from behind too. The notes bend round your head and come in your ears from the other side, Andy. So it's a terrible thing. This group of MEPs led by Nigel Farage just turned their back on the playing of the National Anthem, which is such a bad look. Such a sookie pointless main thing to do. That's a lot.

However, Andy Alice, I have a question, as my piano teacher Mrs. Chatterjee had told me, when I was in kindergarten, maybe they weren't protesting at all. I was told that the best way to listen to classical music is to close your eyes and turn around. And maybe they're just huge, better than fans. And the ninth is a famous one, and maybe they were really getting into it. What did I say?

I mean, it's, Ann, if I be always bring a positive, a positive interpretation of events and these cynical times, that is a great tonic. Yeah, you so consistently bring a positive turn to events, to these terrible events, that I start to wonder about your attachment to reality, but I appreciate the positivity.

I don't like Beethoven being brought into this dispute either, but I'm a Beethoven and more talent and more to give to humanity that dead skin on his scrotum and the entire Brexit party. Nah, say what you want about Beethoven, he can't hear it, because he's dead. And death. Social media news now, and well this is going to be very difficult for me, Alice. This story puts me under an awful lot of pressure. It turns out that despite two decades of effort to avoid this, I'm actually a celebrity. Yes.

Can you just explain why? Yes, in a landmark case in the UK that just happened recently, the advertising standards authority has ruled that anyone with over 30,000 followers on a social media platform is a celebrity for the purposes of advertising standards regulation. Right. Can you not look at me directly when you're in the studio with me, please? You can count yourself like you're in the same room as me. Well, there was a case, a mummy blogger and unfortunately, sarcastic, soundingly named Sarah Wilcox, not.

She put a sponsored post. Get it? Sarah Wilcox, not it's not. Yeah, very nice. Never mind. She put up a sponsored post from an over-the-counter sleep medication on her Instagram, and the advertising standards authority came down from her like a ton of bricks because apparently she is a celebrity. 30,000 is enough. It's the baseline unit for celebrity measurement. Right.

I feel like that's a good way to move forward with measurements in general. How many people are at the football about three celebrities worth? A quarter of a celebrity who have been forced out of their homes due to rising flood waters. With that, we're having five and a third celebrities are picking the new f***ing bro minister. Yeah, so I mean, I'm my, my, my, my, my, the bugle, Twitter account, and my, my, my cricket stats account makes, makes, makes me, you know, public property, but I'm going to just horrific, I'm going to leave my house now that,

I think it hounded. On the bright side, it puts me at about very accurately half a celebrity. But, you know, I'm happy on the outside and that's what counts. And if I have plus Alice equals one celebrity. Oh, there we go. Is that from Twitter?

Yes. And so there we go. So if everyone who follows Annabab follows me, and if everyone who follows me follows Annabab, you probably won't even go up by one single follower, because all of our followers are buglelessness. Yeah. But you know, if...

And of course, listen, Andy Alice, again, looking at the positive of this. The world has not been made anymore, Beethoven compositions. But the world needs more photos of people posting, just waking up, hashtag, this is me. Absolutely. And also, I think, you can buy it. If you two get married, we're never so new. So you'd be the new Warren Beatty and whoever, who's the Warren Beatty?

I've met Anna Vabs' wife and she's heaps better than me, so... I mean, to be fair, she's heaps better than him, too. I found this piece of news. I thought you guys would find it interesting. There's an ice cream truck in Los Angeles, owned by a guy called Joe Nietzsche. And an ice cream truck is called CBT, which stands for Chocolate, Vinella and Toro. And he's been constantly bombarded by social media influencers who've been telling him world post on your behalf if you give us free ice cream.

And he's gone. The struggles of modern business. Yeah, no one paid for anything, exactly. And he's just gone viral because he posted something that says, if you're a social media influencer and you come to my screen, you have to pay double. That is so fair. Yeah. Well, as a celebrity, shortly I will be telling you how I keep my skin so pure,

using only a Vanitax Dermoblaster, a facial striper that lasts all non-celebrities-suitable substances off my face using a special acid formulated from the vital organs of African subsistence farmers freshly slain goats, because I'm worth it. Now you have to say hashtag ad. I do worry with, I mean this is just another step in the inflation of the number of celebrities around the world, that you know it's increasing a breakneck, breakneck speed. The latest statistical prediction shows that by the year 2073 the number of celebrities will outnumber the number of non-celebrities on the planet and that point the whole market will implode into one and all celebrities just become

one giant mega celebrity or god god and then the process restarts. Oh that's a good I was thinking more in in the vein of it turning the market upside down and all of a sudden people wanting to know the opinions of people who don't have any interesting things to say. What, that's democracy isn't it? Animals on the Internet News now. And AnuVab, you are our government minister's life streaming press conferences with cat filters on the correspondent. So, I'm exciting news in that field

of human exertion. That is correct Andy, that is correct. In Pakistan recently, the Pakistani minister Shaka Thusavzai was doing an update about a regional Pakistani issue and he forgot to switch his cat filter off and he did the entire press conference with cat whiskers and cat ears. I mean that needs more. That doesn't need more explanation. I mean. Oh no, I mean that needs to happen more. All right. That needs to happen a lot more. That doesn't need more explanation. I mean... Oh no, I mean that needs to happen more than...

Right. That needs to happen a lot more. I mean it does raise the question, why do they have his cat filter on in the first place? To be fair to him though, afterwards when social media exploded, he did say, let's not take everything so seriously, I wasn't the only one to railway officials sitting next to me, but also hit by the cat filter. He'd buy the cat filter, makes it sound like the cat filter is some sort of long term serial offender, sort of like the poo jogger. Right, yes. Do you remember the poo jogger? No.

In Australia, he was quite a renowned man who would jog around and do poo's in the street Yeah, and then he was captured right I'm a neither of those two activities in any social exceptional If he'd done it with a cat filter on people would have ignored it entirely yeah, no jog run or walk And it's like this mediocre middle ground of jogging and if I was anyone I say this world down Same higher or lower. And if I was anyone raised the question of whether this was not in fact a cat filter, but how the man looks in real life. Well, there is a response from the official Pakistani foreign ministry,

and they've said all necessary actions have been taken to deal with such incidents in the future, which could mean that the minister has been sent to a vet. In more animal news now, an Alabama man has been accused of feeding myth and fetamine to what authorities are calling an attack squirrel, which is apparently a state wildlife offense, which raises questions about who wrote that law anticipating a methamphetamine streak and attack squirrel. Is there any attack squirrels in Donald Trump's military parade or not?

No, but I imagine there will be next year now that he knows it's the thing that you can do. So it's a 35-year-old man who adopted this squirrel in the early age. He's been charged with illegal possession of wildlife, but he claims that he didn't give the squirrel drugs. It's just naturally that aggressive. I don't think I'd like the idea of more, you know, harnessing. Yeah, it seems unfair that only humans should benefit from... Methanford, I mean...

Just quickly, Sport Wimbledon is up and running, and Australian players have been hitting the headlines, Alice. Nick Kirios hit a ball... Oh, what he said now. Well, he deliberately hit a ball at Rafael Nuzal and they didn't apologize for it after his force at the feet to the Spanish clay court genius. He is just the biggest baby.

And I say that as someone who has a very big baby niece. He is. And Bernard Tomic has been $45,000 for not giving a shit. He was beaten in the quickest match in Wimbledon men's tournament for 15 years, less than an hour straight set of victory. And he was fine for not for not trying. Tomic is the most dangerous person in world sport for me, because if people catch onto his claim that sport doesn't really matter, the whole thing is going to come crashing down and I'm not looking forward to that. Other players defaulting from matches for various various reasons, a lot of injuries, also world number 317, Stramock, roughly, he walked

off court in the fourth set of his match with Cargile, ScrooTitch, because he had a clarinet lesson. Isveneeja Jattalova had to withdraw at three all in the second set versus Tarpola Clapper's Rasputin. She forgot she had to do a TED talk about why hitting things with Rackets is fun. Ostrich, backnut, he had next essential crisis in the first set of his first round match and his press conference afterwards, after walking off the court, looking confused. He said, did I myself default from my match or was it predetermined from the beginning of time? Also my backhand was shit.

This allowed Flubbert Scalant to the second round match at with South African star Typhus Fancykikevike and Alexander Dumas of France was out of the first round class due to being a dead 19th century novelist. Another disappointing novelist for 19th century novelist after Liz Gaskell went out to six loved to Simone Hallepp in Round 1. Am I going to get fine for never having tried to play tennis. You know, Andy Alice, I think this set's a terrible precedent this fine, because but that tonic was fine for playing badly, but there's now there no way to know if you're just a terrible player, and that's what his rival Joe Wilfrid Sanger said to the press. He said, I'll say this fine is also for me,

because it's like what I did was not win. Oh yes, I'm getting very complex for the softwares. What in victory? What is tennis? Why are we here? What is trying? Alice, you are the Bugle's edible sports correspondent. What's been going on? Well Joey Chestnut has won Nathan's famous annual July 4th hot dog eating contest again on Thursday proving himself to be the serena Williams of eating too much food. What was he pregnant when he won? No, I mean he, no, he just looked pregnant. Anyone who puts that many, never mind. He didn't quite pass the 74 hot dog mark that he reached last year,

but he blamed it on the heat apparently. It's like a real sport, yeah. It just dries out your mouth or something so you can't. Right, I mean just... Glutenized with such ferocity. At that level of competition, does that affect your tactics and how you go about eating as many hot dogs as possible in 10 minutes? Did you try to pace yourself through the first three and a half minutes and then really hammer it and find it? I mean, why don't they leverage the heat and use their own sweat as a lube?

I don't understand this sport at all. They seem to treat it like it's a real thing in that they have like cool nicknames. The Women's All-Time Champion is called Sonja, the Black Widow Thompson. Sorry, Sonja, the Black Widow Thomas. And they take home $10,000, which is not enough. It's not enough money. If someone said, would you try and kill yourself with hot dogs? So 10,000, I wouldn't do it. The black widow. Yeah, it's not a sport, it's a dare.

It's a bad dare at a pub. Like, the black widow spider famously eats her mate after, Yeah, presumably she's married to a hot dog in this. She's married to a horny. She got her name by getting in a fight with her husband and consuming him in a rage. Turning him into hot dogs and then eating.

I mean, it's, of course, one of the great sporting events. Well, they complain that it's not treated like a proper sport. So I should have poled it out, because I don't treat it like a proper sport. Chess Nuts said it's not something that there's books written about in a documentary about hot dog eating. I mean, certainly compared with sports like cricket and baseball and boxing, the literature of hot dog eating is, shall we say, thin?

Yeah. It means... Norman Maylor didn't write a masterpiece about the Nathan's hot dog eating competition weight. Well, maybe it's about the rumble in the jungle. Maybe he's got to do with the fans as well because spectator George Cartelano said his favorite part of the contest was watching them try not to regurgitate. Each to their own. To be fair, rhythmic gymnastics, that's my favorite part of it too.

I feel like natural human sort of processes shouldn't be made competitive. It's like, is there a banging competition? I don't know, Alice. I know there's like a pro sports kind of performative banging competition. But is there an actual, do you just give each other a point? Look, I shouldn't go down this. I mean, you probably said, I shouldn't go down this avenue as last year's banging competitor champion I once accidentally swallowed a burger king chicken burger too quickly and passed out in my chips

Shocking No one gave me a prize No one gave me a prize. 71 in 10 minutes, because I think you're allowed water, aren't you? I think when I was 12, I ate half a wheel of brie and I've never eaten it since. Right. What am I saying, I'll have. I couldn't manage it. Come on, back out of eating a little wheel of brie.

It was a big wheel of brie. It was too much brie. Is there a breed in contest somewhere in the world? France, presumably. No, you're, you're, you're, It's a breeders cup. Boom! You're only competing with yourself and...

Is this on? Hahaha. You're only competing with your long term heart health. But you do what, wonder with people like Joey Chessna. And, you know, much as he is a genius of the art of speed hot dog eating you know he's you know he's the federer of the hot dog.

Does it dull the joy of eating a hot dog normally when it becomes your you know the focus of your life do you lose that childlike enthusiasm or just having a hot dog? I worry about that. Psychological aspect of being in the highest echelons of hot dog eating. I think it must be like again to draw the analogy. I think it must be like competitive f***ing in that you have to keep something special. So maybe there's a kind of food that he only eats in a non-competitive way in an intimate setting. Yes. I mean, that many... I don't know, I think there aren't that many sports that depend on the slaughter of animals. But you know, cricket users leather on the cricket ball. So you know,

those cows did not die in vain. Well, I mean, there's that there's that one that sports where they throw a lamb around. Right. Buscashi. Yeah, it was a goat. It's a goat's head. Ah, right. And didn't didn't golf start with heads? Golf? No, I don't think so. There's a myth that golf started with heads. With hitting heads around? Yeah, I think it was. Well, there was some I think there was some kind of Aztec football that involved heads, wasn't there? Crumbwell's head got used in a football game. Did it? Yeah. It's still there, it's still in some college in Cambridge, isn't it it, Crama? I don't think it was an official football game. I think it was more of a sort of a more bright situation. It inflated to the required fee for level of pressure before.

It was more like a football, a football, hooliganism kind of situation. Yeah. That's real sport. That's a real sport. That brings us to the end of this week's This Week's Beugal. Do you have enjoyed it? Thank you for watching listening. I've got a return to my little numbers on sheets for the next few days and we'll be back next week just ahead of the World Cup final. In fact, I'll go by anything to plug.

Yeah, I know that. What have you got to plug? Ha ha. Well, I guess I'll see you guys soon. Next month, I'm back at Edinburgh with the show about democracy and disco dancing. I mean, I see a show. It's very much a working progress, but working progress, I mean, very much some things in Microsoft Word. I have two previews coming up, one on the 10th of July, of Mythos at the Museum of Comedy,

but there's only about six tickets left for that, one on the 15th of July at Goodship Comedy, and then all of the Edinburgh. Yes, I'm doing half of the Edinburgh. There will also be political animal on a couple of live bugles. Come to all of those shows, all of you, all of the time. And to play you out, as always, here are some more lies about our premium level subscribers, to join them or to voluntarily subscribe to the bugle with whatever you want on a recurring or one off basis go to the bugle podcast and click the donate button. Chris Shupette Lagerfeld believes that whilst it is not right for Rockstars to throw television

sets out of hotel windows as they also won't do it is actually fine for Laura Biding citizens who are not rock stars to throw television sets in through the windows of hotels to balance things out. Ian Frank thinks that Flounder is a bit of an unfair name for the renowned species of fish, the Flounder, given that it was given to them by a human, and he knows who his money would be on, in a, let's see who lasts longest when dropped in the middle of the Atlantic competition. Let's see who lasts longest when dropped in the middle of the Atlantic competition Rail to not reckon snakes and ladders doesn't make any logical senses a game

Given that you can go both up and down a ladder and neither up nor down a snake Consequently, railton finds it hard to enjoy the game at all And the walker would like to see the middle two people in a four-person bobsled have to do something more useful and Challenging in the event maybe throw a watermelon into bucket half way down the course or have to change their tracks. We'll have to change their trousers between the start line and the finish line. This is lovely, I wrote this so long ago, I can't remember what it was. The genuinely surprised by the old bull shit. It's nice though. Do you want that again?

I know, I don't like it that way. Megan C. Laugh apologies if I pronounced that wrong. Reckon's Denmark is way better off without Hamlet around anymore, as the Shakespeare star has simply not cut out for today's cutthroat decision-to-minute international political scene. Martin Turner thinks the Ancient Greeks would have abandoned the tradition of doing athletics in the nude if there had been slow-motion action replays around at the time, instead of people just hastily painting stuff onto vases. plays around at the time instead of people just hastily painting stuff onto vases. Whilst Emily Howles wonders if those self-same ancient Greeks, if they couldn't get to the Olympic Games, ever found themselves saying to their friends, don't tell me what happened

in the wrestling final, I'm waiting until the vase comes out. Billy and Greek, obviously. Anonymous donor, initials HL, dreams of a world in which all parliaments are filled with balloons, because everyone loves balloons, dreams of a world in which all parliaments are filled with balloons, because everyone loves balloons, so ironically for an object most often associated with other children or explorers, it might help democracy grow up and stay grounded. Malcolm Ridell has been reliably informed that if you eat pudding before main course, it halves the calorific content of both parts of your meal, but he cannot recall exactly who reliably informed him of that or whether or not they were in fact reliable.

And finally Kate Ketigbach thinks that if people are going to wear ridiculous platform shoes, they should at least wear platforms that are hollow on the inside and keep their you