The Bugle - Republican Convention Special

Episode Date: September 7, 2008

The 44th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budalus and welcome to a very special issue number 44 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 8th of September 2008 with me and his ultimate in London a wake and

Instant pool in bed for the second week in a row. It's Oliver. That's right. Hello Andy. Hello View Group. Last week it was the altitude that was experimented without the view goal. This year it is my complete lack of clothes. What is this the first ever? Oh, natural view goal. Of the leaf, on the leaf it is. There is absolutely no reason Andy, why that actually affects anything. No reason, if anything, it's completely free. And if it goes well Andy, I think you should try it as well. Really? Obviously a bit more awkward for you, big as you are.

It's a studio with other people. But you know, it's a commitment to the process. That's what I'm looking for. Well, this is a concert-disturbing present. I mean, if this turns out to be the greatest ever bugle, the greatest of the 44 bugles, meaning that you can now have two complete 22 man football squads of bugle additions. Correct. And this would be first man on the team sheet. If that proves to be the case, that is gonna set a very dangerous precedent, John. And, you know, if you then decide that's new to see as fundamental to all your future work,

you know, it could compromise your version of TV career. Stayed in good on the show. But what a spectacular way to go out. Well, let's all try not to think about John gently fluttering in the breeze. That's what we... From the street. What breeze?

I'm an hotel room man. Why do you think they've been... I thought you might have the... I thought you might have the air conditioning up on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But let's rest on, this is the bugle for the week beginning Monday the 8th of September, meaning it's international literacy day. So this week's special Republican Convention Edition of the Bugle will contain exclusively words that can be written down. In fact, we encourage all bugle listeners to spread both literacy and the bugle by transcribing the entire text of the first 43 bugles and then forcing an illiterate non-bugle listening friend to read them out loud at night point. So there we'll do our bit to increase literacy around the world. This is a Republican convention special and

some sections of this special going straight in the bin including the eight second long supplement about John McCain's alleged first marriage which we claim is in fact the most extensive coverage of that rumored event in any publication over the last week. And also to help replace the American platitude reservoir, which is at dangerously low levels after the last two weeks, in which vatku soundbikes have been fired out like pellets out of a rabbit's ass. We give you free commemorative bugle convention season meaningless platitudes.

For the Republicans it's this one John McCain will ask you if you want sugar on your tea and put it in if you do Barraka bomber has never actually stirred sugar into anyone's tea And for our democratic listeners Barraka bomber believes in the right of every American to have whatever hot drink they choose John McCain hates ducks Just like George W. Bush. So there you go. A little touch of convention fever for everyone. Great oren tree at the top of the bugle there. Well I've been watching the Masters at work. I've been watching John and Cindy McCain Thank you.

So, John, you must be pretty relieved that this two-week festival of communal political masturbation has drawn to a merciful political close. Absolutely right. I think it's interesting. It's been like a controlled experiment program how much democracy the human soul content and i'm here to tell you

it eight days and and non-consecative and i'm very very glad that this is coming to a close it's been spectacular though in many ways i've talked before about the balloons the republicans very much held up their end of that bargain. They have

the whole week though, like a lot of hope corpses, they were strong from the ceiling. Also, these got like flaccid penis-y full of balloons. I was strung up above this ice hockey stadium waiting there for days. It was very stress-suelling, there was a better time to put them up there. And then last night finally that came down and I thought of honest, my own speeches you ever liked to see. There were people actually falling asleep. Yeah, well that's partly just going to be kind of demographics of the people involved. But it was a long pass very bad time and they had a kid who could blame them. Was one of those people John McCain, because he did a pair to go a little bit vacant at certain points?

There was one guy who actually featured in a field piece before. He was campaigning to have guns in school and he came over and rather than what we were expecting was he was going to be taking us to task for the piece that we did on him. And instead he said, oh, I'm a delegate here. The role call for his being called out, I'll give you my paddle, if you like, and you can vote. I said, oh, as long as you definitely vote for John McCain, what a commitment to democracy that man has. It comes all that way, you can do it if you want. I really couldn't give a shit. That just shows the enthusiasm for Jobking

that exists in the Republican Party at the moment. So do you feel after two solid weeks of undiluted convention that you've basically just been sprayed like a field of struggling crops with concentrated bullshits? And now in need of some kind of spiritual fumigation? I mean, technically I should be extremely fertile at the moment. John, you cannot say that on the back of just telling everyone that you're lying. Like it has got intended, alone in a hotel room.

There'll be traffic jams from, you know, one of the mums across Minnesota. You can be doing math suicide. across Minnesota. It can be too massive a side. I get the story of the convention where the Sarah Paling and it is really depressing and that's true. It's depressing that a move so cynical seems to have worked because they were absolutely crazy the other night for her. Walking out all of them screaming at a whole run. She knocked it out of the park. Another craft sporting went touchdown. It was a three pointer. It was a long blue to the top left corner. In fact, that's one from British listeners. Think Alex Higgins of the 1982 World Termifile.

Oh, what a shot. What a shot. So, John, I mean, have you met many average hockey moms in your time in America? I don't know, I mean, that's very much the new thing to be now to be a hockey mom, which is interesting in a country which has completely turned us back on that guy. I guess I'll probably met them all the time now, because they've all reinvented themselves as hockey moms.

Right. There's a certain kind of step for a hockey mom here. Because she didn't describe herself as just your average hockey mom and now call me old fashion John. I know I'm not American and therefore don't really have a vote in this election. But, so, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and that again, we're going back to whether you recognize a working independent or not. I guess so. To me, it sounds like the average hockey mom is, if not the last person that you would want to be one rogue Snooker shot away from the Oval Office,

then certainly probably the penultimate person you'd want to be that. They're just that sliced cubal that jumped off the table. And it's the president, you know, on the temple. Is that the second Snooker joke already? Yeah, no, we're going in hard. Well, it's just because it, you know, it's a convention special.

That's two weeks we've had kind of aimed, I guess, not squarely at our global listeners more on American. So, you know, a bit of Snooker, it's the game that the rest of the world plays. The incredible thing we've played as well is the nethertic process for her. Because, no, it's gradually each day

there's been a new, absolutely incredible fact in version about a one that I remember in this party, which was actually part of the Alaskan Separatist movement, which I've got as far as in many ways, quintessentially American to want to segregate from the nation. That's really taking it back to old school,

but it does seem that's not, that's not even a vetting process that should have caught that. That's just a Google search. Well, I know that McCain doesn't use the computer and has talked a lot about that, but surely someone should have just put in Sarah Pylin and she'd be, what came up. You would have guessed if what came up was that photo of her in a Starz and Strikes bikini holding a machine gun, that all other vets are off.

That's surely enough for any red blooded American voter. Actually next week Andy, I'm going to be doing the vehicle with a machine gun and Star of the Strike's bikini. I don't really approve of your increasingly cavalier attitude towards the bugle dress code. Cavalier, it's beautiful, Mandy. And also, Sarah Palin, she only got her American passport in 2006 and has been to a total of five countries, one of which it turns out she went to only while her plane refueled there.

You can't count that. You do not get Andy the flavour. I don't want to come across as a liberal hippie here. You don't get the flavour of a nation from a airport. I don't know, when I was a kid I was flying to South Africa to see my grandparents and you know we stopped off in Montbassa in Kenya and I like to think that ever since then I've really had a deep spiritual affinity with the people of all parts of Africa as a result of that half an hour stop over at the age of six. But it does show this same kind of level of curiosity about the outside world that has served George W. Bush so well as president.

Never too have left America until she was what, 45? I think that just proves she's ready on day one and she's fit for office. She has a complete lack of interest in the rest of the planet. American voters respond to that. Again, looking at it from a British perspective, they do love to drag their families into these political messes, don't they? Oh, sure. And I have to say Bristol-Paylon's boyfriend looked like he was really starting to regret from doobling with the governor's daughter. He had that look about him saying,

well, I had a few things planned for this week and it wasn't standing up in front of the governor's daughter. He had that look about him saying, well I had a few things planned for this week and it wasn't standing up in front of the world's media looking slightly guilty. What's happening with young Levi? He is very much paying for that mistake. It really must be struck to me. No, just a classic irresponsible thing. It was now being forced to stand in front of 20,000 hard-line Republicans, applauding his courage in knocking off his girlfriend. I was quite fascinated by the ordinary people at the convention, so I'm looking at the

TV coverage, what they tend to do with the TV, I don't know if you're probably watching it live and mix with live and the TV coverage, people like John. Was that a John? Oh, sorry. Now that was a stifled the audience. They had one sentence from a speaker and then a close-up of someone in the audience. They did look like a slightly odd bunch of people. They did look like they were basically probably going to sleep upright, plugged into a machine.

Or they were one shower of rain away from starting to go... Either that will sleep me upside down. There's nothing like what you get with the Republican cutaway in Denver with the Democrat. Everyone has a new exciting and horrifying surprise and task force. But they're looted as Captain America at all, whether it feels like you are looking into the very eyes of death. I've particularly enjoyed, though, quite a few cutaways of an Abraham Lincoln impersonator, going absolutely upshit with excitement. It is strange that Abraham Lincoln impersonator going absolutely up shit with excitement it is strange that

Abraham Lincoln will be outside the way and then any doubt that you know were he to be alive now he would not be a member of this particular party the party have changed i think he would probably be a democrat now so to see him going so crazy really i guess put that room with the rest he's a hard-line hawk. So who are the hits pop and paling this week, John? Giuliani seemed to go down quite well with the press. Obviously he's...

But the press, not with the crowd, at least. He's obviously a bugle favourite, particularly for his websites, which I did check the other day, and you can still contribute to the Giuliani for President campaign. That's just goes, Joe, never give up. That man never gives up. He's not a loser. You cannot be a loser until you actually lost and you just recognize that yet. But his influence is very much hell.

Not only in September the 11th iconography that was all over the stage when he and others were speaking, but also from the fact that McCain, absolutely inexplicably, decided that he was going to accept his nomination last night at 9-11. He thought that was a good idea. Incredibly crafty gesture. What a way to kick off his full campaign. They've gone for a barmer quite hard this week, particularly in the fact that he talks a lot in generalizations, I guess, as people tend to when they're addressing

crowds of 85,000, I guess he wouldn't have gone down so well if he just drafted three hours worth of legislation. Interrogate policy details, not get people to whip out their light as I'm waving them in the air. Yeah, I can testify to that from a gig I did at the Manchester Community store a few years ago. Well, I can testify to that from a gig I did at the Manchester comedy store a few years ago. What a missed job gig. But Julianne said this, let's talk briefly about specifics.

And then he said McCain will lower taxes so our economy can grow. He will reduce government to strengthen our dollar. And he will expand free trade so we can be even more competitive. Good specifics there, Rudy. Nice and detailed. My favorite kind of specifics of specific and sweeping generalization

obviously McCain is not he's not a natural public speaker John I know that's a very nice way of putting that came across fairly politely yeah last night I'm thinking there was one message from McCain's speech other than let's have a fight which seemed to be really majoring on at the end. It was, I'm not very good at public speaking. But it could have been worse had he not used his two warm-up acts as Tom Ridge who appeared who sounded like he'd been put through an internet translation machine. And he was afraid this is a world in which we both feel privileged to live. Yeah, that's right.

That is one of the most meaningless sentences I've ever heard. Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, shame on you, I'm not. That's because you arrogantly think you deserve a place in this particular world. Cindy McCain, as his fluffer, before his speech, she doesn't look like she enjoys the limelights. She also look like a fish out of water. To me, John, Cindy McCain, during her speech, she doesn't look like she enjoys the limelight. She also look like a fish out of water.

To me, John, Cindy McCane during her speech look like a cross between one of those hostage videos, an audition for a school musical about a naughty penguin and a late night television advert for the very latest high-tech catheter. That level of awkwardness. Well, that's what I think, the main message you wanted to get across

was how bad he was a public speaking was, not Andy. And he got that message across in a long windage and in an articulate way. Also Cindy said that John showers us with unconditional love and support that every family dreams of, which of course as we refer to him on the bugle a few weeks ago, included calling her a ****. So, but a little element of the lovely shower. Well, you just need to get that shower head on a slightly less broad setting. But Cindy also did say that,

John is a man who quotes, always speaks the truth. Maybe she's being a little too honest there. Yeah, but maybe always speaks the truth, but she's clearly a... And another thing McCain really went on a lot about, was timing. It was like, what was it?

It was a hostage somewhere. I can't, they've hardly mentioned it at all. I haven't heard about that. Are you sure about it? It was somewhere, someone hadn't really heard of that much. But anyway, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I think you might slightly be, you know, misremembering that. All right. He did come across as unbelievably wooden, John. I guess when there are 20,000 weirdos squawking USA, USA, you every time you string three words together, must be quite hard to be coherent.

That is a fair point, Andy. I think you've got to put yourself in his shoes there. And if he was standing in front of that crowd, you would be wanting to take your own life at that point. I don't know how I got here, but I'm sure it's hell nowhere on going. And entering the heat called for the Republicans

to go back to basics, which of course the conservatives tried doing that in Britain about 15 or 20 years ago. And within about a month, half of the cabinet were dressing up low, Victorian go-go dancers and humping their coffee tables. Yeah, well, that's what he said, yeah. Little have more of a wild west thing though. And also he said that this country can do whatever it puts its mind to,

which for most of the world is the problem rather than the solution with America. That's right. That's right. Really the problem is what that mind is setting yourself to. Now it was fine when it was setting yourself to, of us go and land on the moon, everyone enjoyed that. It's where they land other places as they don't own that's the problem. Also I particularly enjoyed the bit where it's said I fell in love with my country while I was a prisoner in someone else's very moving statement. But as a British person watching the conventions and I'm sure it was even more concentrated for you actually being there. I fell in love with my country by watching American politics at work.

Don't worry, the British party conversation begins next week so I will fall out of love with it again pretty quickly. I'm going to go here absolutely. The Republican are basically conservative party members with the courage of their convictions. They could act like this, they would. I think after the Rasmata's and glamour of the American conventions, the British party conferences by comparison will look like a bouncy castle set against the Waco siege. So John, after seeing both conventions now, how are you going to vote? Well, I mean, I'm going to either go and come down to it, no, whether you recognize America or Independence, which of course I don't, and I absolutely don't.

So what I'm going to vote is a game for the queen. I'm voting for the queen to turn. And who's a VP? Princess Diana, of course. What a dream ticket that is. Because you know, they never really got along. So, you know, she's not just going to be sick of antics. And Diana's, it is and was an angel. I can't miss her so much every day.

Yeah that sounds quite sinister John, bearing in mind that you are Stark-Bollock-Naked. You're right I think I think what was discovered is that being naked really editorializes his joke. There was probably true to the Convention of Speakers as well. They would have been very different if they'd all be naked, very different. Yeah, I think Sarah Paling would have got approximately the same reaction. To celebrate the end of Convention of Season 4 and other four years, we are launching the Bugle US election. And we want you to email us in who you're voting for and why and we want

the most spurious possible reasons. So any tangential links to candidates, you know maybe as we discussed last week you got the same chromosomes, the same gonads, similar socks or maybe you once went to the same reptile park as one of the candidates or their friends once went to. We want to know why you're voting and this is open to all bugle listeners from anywhere around the world and we will have a new bugle president in interest of electoral balance. I must repeat the candidates.

They are John McCain, Republican, Barack Obama, Democrat, the Queen, British monochist party. It's Ross Perogon again. I hope so. Who's the other guy? Nader. How's he?

When's his convention? Nader still hasn't ruled out running and ruining the world. Oh, yeah, you probably better throw in there. So you can vote for him. Or did anyone else who you think ought to be president of the bugle from the 5th of November onwards? Well, we'll have another official inauguration in January. So do keep your votes coming in to the google at timesonline.co.uk and mark your email

democracy as gone mad. Your emails now and a couple of you have risen nobly to the challenge of writing a poem beginning with the bit of I amic pentameter, a barma bite and banners raised a loft as sent in by SW from Washington DC last week. And this comes from Andy Post from Livingston in New Jersey. Anyway, he writes, ye pussies, I have the fakelings of SW from Washington DC. Hold on a second.

Yeah. What an absolute explosive start for an email. Well, I've edited that out. I've edited out of the beginning two paragraphs. Partly because he says, my name is also Andy, although Andy, despite having heard every episode of the Bugle, I must confess, I still don't know who the hell you are. Well, that's clearly not true.

He listened to about you 20 hours of your voice. It was you also berate you, John, for never mentioning the bugle on the daily show. Tell me a bit harsh. Yeah, I think that's a contractual issue. Yeah, I'd imagine so. Can you not just wear a massive t-shirt with the, with the bugle logo on it? You're lucky we'll find out. Give it a go.

You don't know what to do if you try it. You can't eat a banana unless you take the skin off. Look, that is true. Andy post writes, and now comes the point of my correspondence. You pussies, exclamation mark. I heard of the failings of SW from Washington DC, being stuck after one perfectly good line of amic pentameter, a, Biden, Banner's Razer, aloft, and that's all for shame.

Imagine two English men of the caliber of yourselves unable to answer the challenge of this charlatan. So in response to this gaping hole in an otherwise perfectly decent podcast, thank you very much. I have submitted myself to this challenge brought on by yourselves and SW. Ahem! Obama, Biden, Banner's Razer, aloft. I better put my poetry reading voice on. I've been, I didn't go to the national youth theatre like John did. Sorry, I'm not kidding.

The two of you can't, Andy. Two of you can't. Yeah, John was at the national youth theatre, which means that it's not really not the first time he spoke to another man naked in a hotel room in the seven in the morning. Obama Biden, banners raised aloft. Now poised a run and wash away the stain of bush, rums felt González and Ashcroft. That threatens newfound life in John McCain. For woe a man once maverick and his own now fields compelled his parties tune to sing. He fears a modded can claim not to throne and half-dain to kiss Jerry Falwell's ring.

Really? But low a barmer's stash I enjoy the West and helps to light his camprain slippery slope. He promises America the best, of this dark hour we listen and we hope that we will not be screwed by either Schmuck. Though if Pailin asked, I'd totally hurt, oh come on. All that effort and then it ends up in a rhyme with Schmuck and what you want to do to Sarah Pailin. A quick sport section now and not a lot of sport at the Republican Convention, I'd imagine, John, although have heard the latest hockey mom's result, Wayne Gretzky's mom beat Mario Lemus mom

by two shrieks on the yelp to a squawk and two yelps, close on. Oh, that's a shocker's health. Yeah. This is Lemuse. We're not defeated before that. Well, obviously, you know, convention, you know, the big stage. And in, it's been a bit of a week in football, John. I don't know if you've managed to keep up with it at all. But basically, English football has gone stark, raving f***ing mad. And basically now, it's probably worth more than the global oil industry. And there will be wars fought over the most plentiful supply of English football fans. Why has it suddenly become a bow industry? I don't probably because it's more boring and less competitive than ever. Oh, there you go. Yeah, take that. But also the World Cup qualifying is beginning this week, and by the time you listen

to or read this out loud See earlier joke at the start of the show England will have taught the mighty nation of andora a footballing lesson on Saturday and that lesson is England is okay at football So we'll have a proper sports section in the next proper bugle which is in two weeks goes next week I'm away on holiday in Italy with my wife and child and the bugle forecast for this week is will I be successful in my heroic attempt to eat my entire body weight in mozzarella? To me and there's absolutely no doubt you'll be successful there. Even though the challenges are of course as you get closer and closer to it, you're

body weight increases. So the finishing line keeps getting further away, but you can do it, Andy. Those buffaloes are gonna have some sortits by the time I'm finished with them. Well, we might have topped entirely for this view or retellent imagery, Andy. And John has got a bit of time off next week

as well to recover psychologically, democratically, and hopefully nudistically, from the trauma of having to be into two conventions back to back. John, do you think you'll ever be able to look at the world and laugh again? No, I mean, I do think it is somehow fitting that I'm ending this two weeks, you're not kidding, I'm alone. It is a poetic ending too. What happens when you're exposed to this kind of democracy. So next week there is no regular bugle but there will be a special bugle issue 44 sub issue one in which we will round up the famous wiki pedea page controversy. So do tune in next week in the meantime from London it a fully closed and dignified

Andy's ultimate bid you goodbye. And from St Paul Minneapolis one of the twint fifty I naked shivering and broken jaw of it bid you goodbye. Go and have a bath. It's gonna be a long hot shower. I just can't get clean.