The Bugle - Ruining Mark Wahlberg’s Day: Bugle 4080

Episode Date: September 16, 2018

Andy is joined by James Nokise and Tiff Stevenson to discover the real use for the Apple Watch, how Brexit is affecting hedgehogs & Jager Bombs, and why Nauru has stuck it to China.Recorded live at The Leicester Square Theatre. We've got live dates in London, Salford and Dublin all coming up – come along!With@HelloBuglers@tiffstevenson@JamesNokise@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers!

Welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre. Now this is the inaugural Northern Hemisphere Festival of the Podcastic Arts. If you're aware of this, This is one of the shows, one of the other highlight shows also coming up here at the Leicester Square Theatre, include the hit new podcast, My Bad Breakfast, in which celebrities tell all about disappointing morning

meals. This week, David Letterman recalls dropping a freshly cooked omelette on the floor, whilst Martina Navratelova recounts how a broken toaster and an empty packet of cornflakes nearly cost her the Wimbledon title in 1990. There's a new episode of The Lamp Post, a minute-by-minute retelling of a day in the life of a lamp post, starring Sir Ian McKellen as a man looking at a newspaper under the light of the lamp post, narrated by Selena Gomez with music by the Skegness Philharmonic.

And a new podcast from Prime Minister Theresa May, live here at the Leicester Square Theatre, exploring the trials and tribulations of being a national leader attempting to navigate her country's way through a logistical, political and economic minefield. That show entitled, Holy ****ing Shit! What the **** am I going to do now? And why are all these ****s being such ****t and all someone, please make it stop. You've got to have a catchy title in podcasting these days with special guests Nick Faldow and the pointer sisters. And also the sixth episode of the new hit false crime drama podcast Why Trevor Eighth That Ferret.

This week as police run DNA tests on the remnant of the ferrets, Trevor's argument with Norin about the best catch up to use on a rodent spiraled into a minor military scrap between their respective militias whilst Elon Musk promises to have sex with a ferret in space, whilst vomiting on a photograph of war hero and nursing pioneer Edith Cavell just to see how people react on social media. But first... A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A slightly too long that got that pause. So hello viewers and welcome to London, England, UK and for the next six months, Europe, the Northern Hemisphere and the Solar System. We're going to get out and we're going to get properly f***ing out. I'm Andy Zoltz and this is the big alive from the Leicester Square Theatre doubling up as issue 4,080 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a world of increasingly visual

visuality. 4080, this episode, of course, named in honour of the lengths in minutes, respectively, of half a rugby match somewhat unfair format of cricket. And... I think we're right. It is worse if one person claps than no one, but I do appreciate your gesture. And, uh, 4,080 by coincidence, also what scientists now consider to be the optimum, optimum number of referendums to hold to get a truly accurate picture of the will of the people. Also, in 4,080, the number of scientists it takes to change a light bulb into a space rocket.

And the personal best in 4,080 of the ex-North Korean bigwig Kim Jong-il at DART. And the number to which psychologists have advised that Donald Trump counts before pressing tweet. So this is, ah, the music's come to an enough time, that quite well, though. This is Thursday, the 13th of September 2018, happy birthday to Zacharias Altsman, father of renowned podcaster Helen Zoltzman, renowned non-podcaster Richard Zoltzman and professional de-cathlete and Zoltzman. I'm freelance and I won't deny it business is far from grooming in the de-cathlon trade. On this day, in 1501, Michelangelo began work on his smash hit, platinum-selling sculpture.

David, there he is in all his glories. Sorry, glory or for a... ..for a... LAUGHTER It's a penis. LAUGHTER Yes, for our listeners listening at home, the testicle is the one next to the other testicle. So this, of course, is David Orphar Australian listeners, Dong out, Davo.

So yeah, on this day, 1501, what's that? 517 years ago today? Old Mickey Chisels himself sat down with a new slab of marble and thought to himself, oh, I wonder what's inside this one. Could it be a tree? Could it be a dragon? Could it be a fully clothed person doing something normal? Could it even be a dog playing snooker? Well, my money is on a another hot nudie dude with his plonker and plums out. Seems to happen so often with my bits of marble. On this day in 1788, the Philadelphia Convention set the date for the first ever presidential election in the United States.

I mean, it's not gone too well since then, but so that was 13th September 1788 and on the 14th September 1788 a $250 million attack ad campaign claimed George Washington had secretly agreed to sell Washington DC to the Aztecs in exchange for a barrel of vodka and was in fact a Hindu woman called Pookie from Bulgaria. Pluse, I charge. And do you know what happened on this day in Britain in 1752? That is the correct answer because this day in 1752 did not exist. The British Empire skipped from the second of September to the 14th of September as they got

down and hit with the youngsters and started using the Gregorian calendar. What a calendar that is. Who here loves the Gregorian calendar? Oh yeah! Take that, Julian, you inaccurate time hoarding piece of shit. 10.8 minutes per year, too long. What kind of calendar is that? I do not want to wait an extra 648 seconds for Christmas. Most of Europe had adopted the Georgian calendar 170 years previously,

which just goes to show buts out Brussels, let Britain make it some time. Now, as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight. They're going, where? Good point, well made. In the, what was that? Here, up. Sorry? It's sending secret messages to friends. Is that sending secret messages to friends? Oh, like this.

You look like that episode of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? In the Coffee. All right, OK. So is this something that they're going to be listening to elsewhere? All right, OK. Could you not just send them a f***ing email? LAUGHTER

Or at least just use the shipping forecast on radio. What was the major one you can get slipped into that, if you know the right people? Erm, I lost a lot of money on the shipping forecast last week. Did anyone else gamble on the shipping forecast? Gain. Gain. North at Syrah. Money out, rising slowly, written all over it, I thought.

S**t. South, south, west of the little s**t. north at Sierra, and that rising slowly written all over it. I thought, f***ing. South, south, west of the little shit. Now, one. In the bin. That was a little excerpt from a almost 20-year-old bit of stand-up. They just came back and made it. Happy days. In the bin, this week, keep fit section. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio.

Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaith and then wash and dry your dirty crockering glassware while giving yourself a good bit of a boring. And that burns up more calories than death.

And also, very good for your fitness, barking. Have you ever wondered why you never see a dog in a hospital? That's because... Ha ha ha! Barking is the healthiest activity known to humanity. Just 10 bouts of barking at a real perceived or imagined threat to yourself, home 10 bouts of barking at a real perceived or imagined threat to yourself home owner or sense of normality can burn off more calories than being a gladiator.

And also opens up your epiproclos and lungle tubular is good and proper. And also, it's got to be a better bar, that's shouting bark, that is not. Put some fucking effort in for fuck's sake. That's the problem with you, you train a dog using subtitles. Those sections in the bin! That's a lovely jingle, I think that's my favourite one of these. How many of you got all together? I've only got five with me today. All right.

We can sort of talk for each one of your life, I'm with you then. Well, I hope to get through all five. That was number four. That was number four. No, that one. Five stars. Right, I mean, this could be the new Bugle Bingo. Yeah.

Which jingle is going to be used? So, right, it's time to meet our Bugle guests for this week's Bugle. Are you ready to meet the Bugle guests? Yes! Good. That's avoided and awkward pause. So a great place to welcome our two guests back to the show. Firstly, give it up for our fantastic comedian, Ben on the Bugle.

Several times, he's been fantastic on it. It's Tiffany Stevenson! APPLAUSE I just enjoyed that standing there while the music continued to play. I felt like I had to participate in some kind of weird like British dance. You know like who are the guys with the jingly bells, what they called? Druids. Moristances. Moristances. It's such a fine line isn't it? The Moristances are the Druids. Like a Moristance because everyone was clapping and I was like, oh, I look like I should be serving beers, I don't know. But hi, hello everyone.

Hi, I'm f***ing Eucris. Early doors. F***ing beauty. F***ing beauty. I thought you said f*** Eucris. Go on, go on, going in hard early on. And now to represent the entire Southern Hemisphere and all of the Pacific Ocean and surrounding lands,

is the wonderful James Nookise! I'm still giggling from the dude who heckled you by going, back, back! It's the most brilliant thing I've seen, so I've been here. Back, I say. Right, I think we're ready for top story, Chris. Top story this week? Well, we have to start here really. It's Brexit again, the latest from the... So what, I mean, what the f*** is going on? Tiff is our Northern Hennessey correspondent. As a spokesperson for women, see, look, Teresa. I believe at the moment Teresa's on her way out. They're saying that they need, she needs I am a'r teurisa. Mae'r teurisa'r teurisa'r anoddol am yma. Mae'r teurisa'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'r yma'ma'weithio'r gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn And roaming charges is the other big one. So you've obviously heard about this,

the mobile phone charges, we're going to have roaming charges in the EU, which is outrageous. That's going back to the dark ages. I'm going to be a beach in Spain and accidentally download a meme of a kid doing a bootie shaker, a pageant, and get charged 87 pounds. These are the real issues. Well, I mean, why were we not told before we voted that there might be adverse consequences? We were told about them but why were we not

told about them? I think this puts it all in perspective as consumers we will actually have to check with our mobile phone operators what their policy on roaming charges is. I mean why the fuck are we finding this out now? I mean, I think I could have swung eight to 10 million voters if we'd... So easily. I suppose in some ways it does prevent dick picks. But, or should we say international dick picks?

So foreign dick picks. Has most of the sperm been coming from Europe? Apparently. I didn't even know. I was like, is it for animals? But I believe it's for humans. Mae'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r ffordd i'r fforddio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r Well, of course, otherwise it would be disgusting. LAUGHTER Or Chafi for the horse. I don't know.

Well, this is why we voted for Brecht's, because a lot of those jobs are now taken up by Eastern European horse bankers and British kids are not getting the opportunity to toss off farm animals. Coming over here, taking our whan King. Having over it, giving manual relief to our horse and cows? How are we going to be wank off a horse, and your mates get to buy you a beer at every drink you go to? Because no matter how bad one of your mates has had a bad day,

you haven't wanked a horse. LAUGHTER Do you know what one of the other ones is? I'll tell you the other shock thing that might happen. Just in case you're not aware, is they're saying Iewn i'n ei wneud i'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r ysgwch chi'n ei fwyntau'r yfordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fforddio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio.

Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn g and you don't remember how you got there, how you're going to get home and why is your ex-boyfriend following you? Yeah, because it's a European drink, the Yega Bomb.

Manaias thought Yega Bomb was a very concise two-word summary of the 1983 Wimble and Women's Singles final when the promising young star, Andrea Yega, went to pieces in a, I believe, a six-love, six-three defeat to Martina and have rattled over. But it wasn't that. It wasn't about the Yeager, but it was, in fact, developed during World War I to be dropped from zeppelings into the British trenches to get our Tommy's absolutely hammered. So, I was thinking... It's not actually a great, like, brave move for wetterspoons, isn't it?

If they get rid of, like, all the foreign liquids, like, from Europe, then you're going to be able to drink bad wine, flat beer, and shit loads of cider. Like, every fucking wetter spoons I've ever been in. Oh, other Brexit news. Because of the Brexit vote, the countryside is now almost completely devoid of hedgehogs. Yes, isn't prickly, prickly subject. I don't know if there's necessarily a causal link here. I mean, this is the kind of future that we're...

Who here voted? Did anyone here vote leave? LAUGHTER But, I mean, who here voted remain, but... And who here vote to remain in order to keep hedgehogs in the countryside. Me. Yeah, there you go.

I mean, this was largely a hedgehog-based vote. I mean, there is another interpretation for this, and that is that hedgehogs are getting run over less, because they have a greater will to live because of Brexit. That's the treasure, the notion of British independence. That is the thing they're going to get the country back when you guys all leave. That's right. Well, at least we've f***ing got some indigenous mammals.

Well, you're f***ing bats in New Zealand, honestly. We've got a Kiwi. It's not a mammal. It's barely a bird. It must be a mammal. I mean, it's barely a bird. It must be a mammal. Surely. It's the worst bird you've ever seen in your life. You can't even see it, because it's only around a Mac.

The Kiwi, everyone's like, ooh, the Kiwi. It's the bird, all they had in New Zealand birds, told to f*** off. I actually thought it was the fruit you were talking about. Genuinely, I was like, you stood a bit because it's a fruit. It's like an actual bird. Yeah, we've got, like, yeah, it's behind you. There we go. There we go.

Is it a bird? Or is it a piece of fruit, which is really pissed off? There's a weird thing that happens in New Zealand where people who are like, sort of the supremacists, I guess, our UKIP versions, they'll keep going, oh, there's too much celebration of Pacific and Maori culture, or other people coming in.

We're proud Kiwis, and no one's had the heart to tell them that Kiwi is a Māori word. LAUGHTER On which subject, this seems like a perfect segue into Pacific News now. BELL RINGS BELL RINGS It's the traditional call of the New Zealand Kiwi.

In Pacific news, on this date, in 1999, I believe Tonga and Kiribati and Na'u all came into the UN from the Pacific. But also, it's all kicking off in Na'uru, which some of you may know is the country most famous for being Australia's not quite legal jail. It's like Kiribati, you probably go, what's that? You'd probably see it on the map as Kiribati and a lot of people have talked to you today have said, oh, you should spell it the way it sounds. And I'm like, it's Thursday.

But Na'uru had a recently the Pacific Island conference going on there. And it was very interesting because Nauru picked a fight with China. That is bold. It's a bold move. For scale reference, Nauru is about the size of a Chinese traffic island. I mean, we talk about David versus Goliath.

What we see here is essentially that little shriveled talk about David versus Goliath. What we see here is essentially that little shriveled David's penis versus Goliath. There it is for that. David's penis. He was at work, he was focusing on the job. I don't quite know how I've ended up comparing the country of Nauru to an Italian penis, but look, it's a very well-scalped penis. What happened with the specific conference that the Nauru president, whose name I kid you not, is Baron Walker. He wouldn't let the Chinese come in on their diplomatic passports, when they're coming on their normal passports, and then he wouldn't let them

speak when they were supposed to speak, and a lot of people think that this is because they backed Taiwan. Now it was one of six nations that backed Taiwan. They wanted to throw some muscle around, which kind of shows you the inequality because China's kind of got the US and Russia and Australia backing their rule over Taiwan and Taiwan's got now. Na'u. So it's kind of a pre-stair posse. There was a very interesting result of this is nothing, really. Nothing.

Because Na'u picking a fight with China is like your two-year-old brother, like pissing on your leg. Like, you're annoyed, but, wah. Like, China doesn't, like, New Zealand can't even get involved, because our Prime Minister went over and tutored. That's her power move. But we can't send our Air Force because we sold it. What if... So you have a flightless Air Force, as well as a flightless

National Bird? It's very on-brand. It's very on-brand. Infer of Penny, infer of Pound, why not? In slightly crazier New Zealand news, and very close to home from my home city of Penny, infer of Pound White O. In slightly crazier New Zealand news, and very close to home from my home city of Wellington, a stoned man has broken into Wellington Zoo and got beaten up by tiny monkeys.

LAUGHTER Kia ora, Kia ora to that brother. In my home city of Wellington, John Kasford, 23 years old, almost died after he snuck into Wellington Zoo, and the news people are saying is a non-secure gate, which in New Zealand we call a gate. He admitted, well, this is what I love about the country, he admitted he was high as a kite and he had it in his mind that he was going to catch one of the zoo's squirrel monkeys.

It turns out the squirrel monkeys had different ideas about colonialism. So he didn't know what the judge, this is the great thing is that the judge bill hastings, because of course his name is Bill Hastings, he said, I don't know what happened in the squirrel monkey enclosure, the squirrel monkey is no, but you couldn't find them and I don't speak squirrel monkey. That is an official ruling from a New Zealand judge. I mean, that, I guess, tells you everything you need to know about New Zealand, that a judge has basically dispensed a ruling like that that essentially says nothing that happens in this country matters at all.

We're all just having a little bit of fun. We had avocado crime a couple of years ago. Really? This is a level of New Zealand crimes going on. Have you been to a cafe in London, sorry, there's plenty of avocado crime happening there. Sixth-stortion, I'm just saying. It's the reason millennials can't buy houses. That's right. It's the opium of the 21st century.

Well, that was the sync up, is that, because of the demand and cafes, gang members, like genuine patched gang members, were driving into avocado orchards with the gang patches on in a truck and just like standing on the truck and picking up evacados off a and then getting caught by the police driving into Advocato orchards with the gang patches on in a truck and just like standing on the truck and picking up the caros off her and then getting caught by the police with

gang members. Yeah, we're from the pair crew. Yeah. Don't come for us. I wonder if one lot of like the rival, with the rival gangs, we've got more than one. We've got more than one. Was I with a New Zealand gang? Yeah.

So my mum said that she used to do it with apples when she was a kid. They call it scumping, that you would go in like to sort of sneak apples off trees. And I don't know what the law is. Is the law if they're like hanging out into public property? I mean, it's a great British tradition scumping. I mean, we essentially scrumpt, I believe, all the food in India during a famine. And the potato crop of Ireland. So just a British thing that we like to do every now and again.

BAM! Apple Surprise consumers and investors alike, that it's annual launch of new products. This week announcing we couldn't be asked this year. Obviously, the technology is already way way way more than anyone could possibly actually Fucking need and we just can't be asked We've reached the point where further progress is just really wanking into a bucket mark future Sure

I'm glad you like that. You know I edited that and then put it back in because I wasn't sure about it. A couple of upgrades have been announced. The response time between a text arriving and an alert tone activating has been reduced from two ten thousandths of of a second to 1.3, 10,000ths of a second, which for the average user will save anywhere up to 3.5 seconds per millennium. And some new products, the eye patch, which covers the eyeball, the screen's being mindless social media directly into the brain of the wearer, and the new frontal eye lobe inserted into the brain that tells your brain what consumer gadgets it should the wearer, and the new frontal eye lobe inserted into the brain that tells your brain what consumer gadgets

it should be lusting after. And the Iwiwi, which is part tribute to the controversial Chinese artist and part bladder control device. The Iwiwi wirelessly measures the amount of liquid in the wearer's bladder, then sends two emails or text messages, one to the user's iPhone, telling him or her that he or she may, without being judgemental, need to urinate within

the next 30 to 60 eye minutes. And one to the Chinese government, telling them that the human rights record does not co-here with the eye values of Apple as an eye business. Followed up by winking emojis and a hashtag saying hashtag still want access to a 1.3 billion person market This is the the new phone coming out. They're like this once even bigger. It's our biggest one It is like is it an iPad and they're like no no, it's but it's almost Like they're taking us for a ride because because, like, do you guys remember when the phone, the new, this is the newest one, it's our smallest one, yeah. And that, like, this is the newest, it's our biggest one.

I reckon we're going to get to iPad, and then we go, all right, it's a newer one, and it's smaller. I'm like, ah. Well, they've stopped even numbering them anymore. They're just calling them excess max, you know, instead of using, instead of using numbers, it's excess max. And I think there's another one, XR, XR max, max triple X. I don't know. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith It's quite a slight performing with John Oliver all over again. APPLAUSE Who has seen the Mark Wahlberg's daily schedule? This has been, I believe, the term has gone viral this week.

Well, we offer you an alternative. Buglers daily schedule. 9 a.m. wake up. 9.35am get up, 9.40am go back to bed, 10.55am wake up again, 11am put the cricket on the tilly, 11.01am remember that the cricket already finished yesterday, go back to bed, 11 11.45 am, wake up, watch yesterday's cricket highlights on a laptop. 1pm, lunch interval. 1.40pm, afternoon session, brackets, Kip. 3.40pm, tea, 4pm, get up.

Invite Mark Wahlberg round for biscuits and scrabble. Act disappointed when he tells you he's doing his 4pm workout. Tell him he can have his 5pm shower at your house, call him a prick when he hangs up after saying, who are you and how did you get my number? 415pm to 730pm, general hanging around, 431pm, ringmark wallberg again, one minute after his scheduled bedtime.

Say you're disappointed he won't come out to the pub quiz because it's past his bedtime, asking if he's got his special snuggly blanket in the bed with him, and whether he's excited about the tooth fairy. 815, 849pm, 915pm and 940pm, ringmark wallberg with questions from the pub quiz repeatedly saying, sorry, Berg, man, I forgot you've gone to bed because I thought you were an adult. 1045pm, ringmark wall book, tell him it's last orders in the pub and is he sure he doesn't want to cheeky

points in the game of pool reply, no, you f*** off and asking why he's operating his schedule as if he's living in the UK's time zone. So yes, that is why your kid school was confused when he turned up at 7.30am to pick them up. 11pm late night sport watching, 12am sacrifice oxters' use, 12.15am to 3am general time wasting, 3am bedtime, 3.15am wake up, look up some cricket statistics online, 5.45am bedtime again and repeat. So there's your bugle daily schedule, right? If you've enjoyed this show there is another live bugle here in this venue on the Thursday the 14th of November, correct? Probably. Yes, with with Nish and Felicity Ward, so do come along to that, or a ffylithioedd y wward, a ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn ddod yn stories this week, including a very exciting development for space. Oh, yes. There is an exciting development in space involving champagne, but I don't feel

that I'm the person to explain this. So I'd like to introduce a little segment that we call Scottish boyfriend explains a thing. It doesn't get any less horrific. The more you hear it, OK. The Mum Champagne Huse this week tested a specially designed champagne bottle for use in zero gravity situations. They took to the skies in an Airbus 0G plane which uses power-ballic flight paths to simulate zero gravity and geese the impression of weightlessness. The specially designed champagne bottle uses the naturally occurring carbon dioxide of the champagne to scoosh out a bit of champagne as a foam so it'll like floating blobs of alcoholic jizz. That rich

fly a boot and try and catch in their mutes. It's impossible to read. Essentially it's written in Scottish. Essentially, what you'd imagine the Bullington Club to be like only in space. I'm not sure how much a bottle costs, but considering it's only available in fucking space, chances are a sat at the reach of plebs like us. Probably can't even get your deposit back on your techno bottle. And even if you could, I doubt there's a corner shop on the moon that accepts glass checks. PREX! a'r pwis. A'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a'r pwis, a And it seems that we should reflect upon this momentous decade anniversary, ten years ago,

the financial world was going economic short-termism arse over Casino Banking TIT to put about a friend who's an economist and he was looking at, trying to find lessons from history, he was looking at a newspaper from 1911 to see if we could learn any lessons. The headlines are about a nasty virus doing the rounds that led to the king banning people from clearing their throats. And a famous expedition party arriving in Antarctica in a boat to try to reach the South Pole. The headlines said, Royal Bands, Coff Scott lands. LAUGHTER Anyway, he worked in a mortuary, my mate.

But it was not a top grade mortuary at all. And he started, he was graying in the hair and he was looking haggard and wrinkled. And he said, I'll tell portrait, but it was not a top grade mortuary at all. He started, he was graying in the hair and he was looking haggard and wrinkled and he said, I'll tell you how it's exhausting working here in this not very good mortuary. I feel ten years older. Working in a subprime mortgage is you. LAUGHTER And it was actually Stung James' face.

Sorry, I can't bail out now. Put your money where your mouth is. So to try and relax and we went to play Snooker and he didn't want to play a game. So he just practiced doing shots off the elongated thing with the cross on the end. He was very happy with it. And that was a great rest session. Okay, no, that's the correct response. So we then went to, he went on and on, then talking really, really fast, but not very interesting

about how you should steep your tea leaves in a pot and not just use a bag. He gave it his full property bubble. Oh! Oh! Property bubble? No. So we went to a pub quiz.

There were three questions through it on sport and won on politics. The questions were, which England or Rounder was a key player in the 2005 Ashes? Which hot tempered headband wearing American left-handed tennis player lost and then beat beyond Borgon, the finals of the 1981 Wimbledon men's singles finals? Which Dutch housewife won four gold medals at the 1948 London Olympics? And who was the current Prime Minister of the UK? He shot out straight away with the answers, Freddie, Mac, Fanny, May. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. So, anyway, he tried re-creating the conditions of the banking crisis, using laboratory animals to see if they would make the same mistakes as humans. But none of them was stupid enough to make it happen again. He started with the smallest animals, then got bigger. He might have had several attempts, but couldn't do it, so to the catch they couldn't do it. And the monkey couldn't do it either. Right, you said there's only one thing for it. It's the bear's turns. That's how they colonized us, in case you want to. It was friends, also with great Britain's most famous jockey from the 1980s. Great,

great horsemen, but he couldn't tell the difference between wild animals based on the sounds they made. On safari went on safari with him to get away from the economic crisis. In the middle of the night he heard a bellowing sound, shit Andy, is that a giraffe? No Mr Pigot, it's an elephant noise. Then there was a roar. Yikes said the pint-sized 11 times champion jockey. That must have been a crocodile. No, I said it was a lion sound lester. A lion sound lester. A lion sound lester. Anyway. Where is Flush of this man there? Oh shit. I think we need a step ladder for the reach on that one. So we had some suggestions about a stop happening again. He said we should leave it to the robots.

I responded, hey, a high G, that's a risk. Cooke's really destroying hope here. He's been at the crease for at least 40 minutes. And then he said that we should threaten Cedete Khan to try and get the city of London into line, because he reckoned that then the Siddi Khan would back down. And I said, what, you think the Merrill Flinch? Merrill Flinch? Merrill Flinch? Oh, dear.

It's been a long day. I've spent five days at a cricket match. I'm not thinking right. And finally, apparently, he told me that this is very interesting. Top Presidents, apparently. Top Presidents of America, many of them scared me that this is very interesting. Top presidents, apparently. Top presidents of America, many of them scared of far-manimal noises. He told me that Lincoln would get nervous when he heard a pig. Thomas Jefferson, hate the sound of chickens.

In the first President of the USA, got shivers at the mere prospect of hearing a cow. He said, let me write those down. Lincoln, Oinkshudder, Jefferson, Clark Fear, Washington, Moochill, Washington, Moochill. And that was one of the big bank clapses, Washington Mutual. Why wouldn't it? Oh, Jesus. I've got a really, really needed to end on something

a little bit better than that. Right, okay, that brings us to the end of this big. And I think we're all relieved about that. We were contractually obliged to do an hour-long show and we've done an hour and 15 minutes. So if you could just ignore the least funny 15 minutes that you've seen, whatever they may contain. We most grateful.

Thank you very much for coming to the Lesweath Theatre. Thanks for the Lesweath Theatre. Thanks for having us live bugle shows coming up. If you're listening the 7th of October in South of the 8th of October in Dublin and back here in the Lesweather Theatre. On the 14th of November, please, shout your appreciation for the wonderful Tiffany Stevenson and James Nakhise. Chris the producer. Until next time, buglers, goodbye.