The Bugle - Satan takes the moral high ground (4204)

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

Andy is with Alice Fraser and Chris Addison (and Producer Chris) at the London Wonderground festival to address the biggest, heaviest, er most wooden issue. right now - trees. Plus our take on the Texas attack on women and the west's bailing from Afghanistan.We are funded entirely by you, the listener. Listeners who sign up via OUR NEW WEBSITE thebuglepodcast.com have long enjoyed the opportunity to get: mentions on the show (in the form of lies), merchandise and general sense of wellbeing for supporting this fine work of art. As of this week you can also support the show directly via Apple Podcasts. Our new channel ‘Team Bugle’ also includes The Gargle and Tiny Revolutions, shows which currently carry ads - but they will be completely ad free on this channel. So if you love The Bugle, and it’s siblings, then please support The Bugle via our website or Apple Podcasts where you can subscribe today.Buy a loved one Bugle Merch - COLD AND WET WEAVER T SHIRTS ON SALE NOW). Listen to The Gargle here: https://pod.link/GargleFollow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserChris AddisonAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world Welcome to the bugle live. This is this is my first show in front of a three-dimensional audience since the before times how are you all?

You're hooray good. Have you enjoyed the last year and a two-thirds? No, that is the correct answer. It's been, well, let's face it, remortlessly shit on a global level. But thank you very much for all coming here today to see the live bugle. Have you, who's been to a bugle live show before? Yes, who has never been before? And who has never listened to the bugle before. Oh, this could be a slightly confusing evening for some of you. So what has brought you here, madam? All right, OK, is this...

Is this... Oh, sorry, I was ready. We need a monster phone. Right, I was going to say... We just say only regular's of this gig. So... We're trying to... It's more of a cult than a podcast at this stage, to be honest. So, well, welcome.

I hope you enjoy it. It's really a scientific documentary. And if the measure of the quality of a decade is how many live bugle shows it hosts in its first 20 months, then this has been the equal shitdest decade in history. Alongside decades such as the 1340s. Oh, plague fans, the 680s. Hmm, top crowd. And of course, the 1720s.

Yeah, fair enough. I am Andy Zoltzmann, and if I've learned one lesson in life, then it's that every lesson you learn in life can be so easily, put it that again. Mae'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio'r ymwch i'n gweithio' Listen to the joke, we did skip out, what was it, about 3,700 episodes. We still do them at some point. Well, at some point we'll go back to it. We did jump from, I think, 293 to 4,001. So joining me today, I am very rustier. It's so funny. Well, simultaneously, disconcerting,

strangely emotional. And it's also making me think that I've lost all the skills that I once had What I have to do now, oh, yes, there's more people the rest of the show. Yes, so joining me today to boil the bones of the last week of news Into a hopefully digestible stop firstly right here right now in person. Please welcome for the first time in a bugle live show Chris Addison! Good evening Andy. Good evening Chris. Lashanna Tova, happy rush to Shanna to you. Absolutely yes, I've had an awesome rush to Shanna. It's been happy, happy 5782.

Oh yes, hell of a year. Oh yes. Oh it's just wondering, so obviously your 3,700. What a year. Yes. Oh, it's just wondering. So obviously, you're 3,700 years in the future. Yes. What's it like? Well, if everyone here was offered, was it 5,782? Yep. 5,700 years. Would you take it?

Would you take a 3,800 year hibernation at this point? I think that is a majority, Chris. You've just had a 20 month hibernation, which we're complaining about a second ago. I still haven't tidied my cupboards. You're never going to tidy your cupboards. So how's your lockdown been? Really good, actually.

I had a tremendous lockdown and put all my money into face masks. So I did that suspiciously in October, 2019. But I don't want anyone to read anything into it. Yeah, it's been an absolute shit show, same as everybody else. Does anybody actually think they had a good lockdown? Cute. But I've been forced against my will to watch a ridiculous amount of cricket.

This is awful. Have you spoken to anyone about this? I've been forced against my will to watch a ridiculous amount of cricket. This is awful. Have you spoken to anyone about this? Jonathan Agnew, Phil Toughnell, Hickory Goa. Also, Chris was on TMS last week. I'm on Saturday. I don't know if you heard it. He did the view from the boundary.

It was a... The view will take over of international cricket commentary. Continues a pace. So close. We just... I told you at the time, we just pushed him out and locked the door. over of international cricket commentary continues to pace. So close. I told you at the time, we just pushed them out and locked the door. We could have done a whole new series right into the evening session. And joining us via the wonders of the internet, the physics-defying miracle that is

enabled people the world over the share, amusing pictures of animals, doing amusing things within microseconds rather than having to do a painting of dogs smoking cigars and playing bridge before sending it around the world on a sailing ship. And I hope in the joke hadn't worn off by the time it arrives. It took me great advance for humanity. Reporting to us exclusively live from tomorrow morning in Sydney, Australia, Alice Braytter! Hello Andy, hello Bugler's, hello Chris. Hey, how's tomorrow? It's good.

I spilled rice on my carpet. Although that's a Russian traditional isn't it? Yeah, it's a Russian traditional. Apples and honey and rice on the car I'm a bit out of the loop to be honest I mean, so are you sure you haven't just got maggots? I am sure I haven't just got right Yes, I don't it's best to check and how's Australia doing? It's pretty good. It's spring-like

Rowan lockdown Everyone's angry. Right, it's turning back into Britain. That's not the spring-like bit. Right, so this is the first live show since the before times. There are certain COVID protocols in place. There were temperature checks on the way certain COVID protocols in place. There were temperature checks on the way and from a hidden temperature gauge. You averaged out at 36.5 Celsius, making

the total temperature of this crowd, about 250 people, 9,200 degrees Celsius, which is one and a half times hotter than the surface of the sun. You guys are absolutely cooking. Come in certainly also the melting point of news, which is ideal for this show. This show is happening on the 7th of September, the 250th day of the year, yet again for the third time in the last four years. On this day, it's pretty good stats, that's 75% you take that. On this day in 1695, Team GB professional pirate Henry Everie sparked the first ever global manhunt by Pilfer and Akul 90 million pounds worth of treasure

in today's money from the Grand Mughal ship Gange Esauai in a brutal but effective bit of pirating. And he's never been seen or heard of again. a'r brutol, a ffegd y bydd y pyrreidd. A'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n ni'n If you have seen Henry Everie, please do report it to your local police station. He's described as a Caucasian man between 4 foot 8 and 6 foot 6, aged approximately 362. Good career move though, get out of, I don't think, if you're a 17th century pirate, you don't want to hang around too long. No, no, most of them didn't. No, well, it's actually. When he was very much the Bjorn Borg of his day, that sudden retirement, the difference being that

every would have been executed instantly, if it'd been called, whereas Borg launched an underwear range. So few similarities, it's quite uncanny. As always, a section of the bugle is going, where? In the war. Oh, no, especially in the what, wasn't it, not where?

Do we have another go? Do we have another go? Let's have another go at it. As always, a sex north of the mood was going straight in the... In the... ...on the thing it was where. I would have just gone in and let them do the bin... I'm just... Just have another go.

Right, it's going in the bin. Right, you're ahead of me on this one. This week, in the bin, social media etiquette for f***ing numbscalls. Are you a f***ing numbscall? Then the chances are you might be struggling to get your social media etiquette right. So, free with this week's bugle, the f***ing numbscalls guide to entry level social media etiquette. Week one, learn the difference between valid constructives, criticism and a death threat. Have you ever thought about not abusing strangers? Why not give it a go? You might enjoy it more than you think millions of people recommend

it. And statistics show that up to 97% of strangers are actually all right when you get to know them. So unleashing a barrage of anonymized denial might not actually be a very nice thing to do. If you're not sure, try writing out on a piece of paper what you were just about to post online, saying it to a real person, o'n gweld i' the answers to that next week. Chris, have you ever issued an anonymous death threat online? Not online. I'm old school. I'm single-handedly keeping the printed press going with my poison pen letters. It's a lot of magazines I get through, but I have, but I think of them as, I think of them as secular fat Mae'r gwybod yn ymwch i'r gwybod yn ymwch i'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn ysio'r gwybod yn y I've been hospitalized a number of times. Alex, we've got a social media etiquette advice for any of our listeners. Just don't. All right, there we go.

That's a... That's quite deceptively simple when you put it in those terms. Yeah. That section is in the bin. Right. Jingle, Chris. There we go. It's all coming back to me. People said to me, I've said to a few

comedian friends, I mean you've not done a live show for a while either. I've been 10 years. I don't know, people say I was like getting back on a bike, but I was f***ing shit at riding bikes and often crashed, so. Well I always felt about a stand-up is that you're rusty if you haven't done it for seven days. 20 months. Yes, you've become unantied. A long time. It's kind of Titanic level of rust. People are going to have to go dive down and get you out.

You must know James Cameron from your... Yeah, we're neighbours. He lives in Bromley. That avatar money. Alright, here's me, Adam and Radikanu. Top story this week. Trees! So, right before we get into the tree news, who's such a fucking game show crowd?

Oh! Chris, I'm trying to take my career in a new direction. Who's such a fucking game show crowd? Chris, I'm trying to take my career in a new direction, right? Light and Zoltz Who likes trees? Who thinks they're f**ks and deserve to die? I felt about 50-50 Well the bad news is for trees. You're in a pollen response. Oh. Oh, you've gone in very early with that.

First live bugle pung, and it wasn't yours. Tray news this week, at least 30% of the world's tree species face execution. So, extinction. What's the difference? I can't remember. I can't remember the same one. One of them has more admin involved. One of them is more embarrassing because if you put a tree on a chopping block it feels

sort of cannibalistic. Yeah. Alice, you are an ecological armageddon correspondent. You've been charting the inevitable death of this planet over several years on the bugle. Just bring us up to date with the latest evidence of the inevitable end of this planet over several years on the Pughle. Just bring us up to date with the latest evidence of the inevitable end to all life on Earth. Yes, indeed, Andy. About 30% of trees are at risk of going extinct, which is a perfect

example of an instance where people can't see the forest for the trees. By which I mean, you will be able to see the forest because of the lack of trees and what you'll see is a forest with 30% fewer trees. Experts and hippies plan to spend the next while explaining what needs to be done to spare our planet a horrifying cascade of ecological cause and effect, though by this point we're so far down the cause and effect line of dominoes that it's basically effect and effect all the way down. I assume their plan is something like stop chopping down all the trees while big businesses and governments plan to ring their hands in public before doing the bare minimum to plan

to plant the ecological equivalent of embarrassing reforestation, come over. o'n barysig arall o'r ffyrddio yn cymodd. Mae'n gwaith ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymw yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymw yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn ymwyr yn y This poses, so the loss of the world, the third of the world's tree species poses a risk of anyone, I want to hear you. Why the ecosystem collapse? It's been. That's not the problem. Basically, yes, in the bin. In the rotting wooden bin. Amongst the biggest and smallest threats to trees

include forest clearance for farming, people carving hearts into tree trunks to tell someone they love them, industrial logging, beavers, the anti-brick lobby, the bench industry, artisanal chopping boards, unnecessary chopsticks, crucifixions, urban development, chess, and forest fires. That would be... Chris, which of those are you most worried about?

I would be most worried about chess, following the popularity of the Queen's Gambit. I think so. So it's going to be bad for trees. Think it'd been bad for trees for a few decades, and either once unchallenged position as the world's favourite and most numerous tall, wavy structures has been undermined by the arrival of both of offshore wind turbines and onshore-riched osmonds. Or osmonds, osmonds, I'm not sure of the grammar. The suggestion is that we can keep the tree species threatened by extinction in botanical

gardens, but those places are just cruel. Trees cooped up, not able to run around as they would in the wild. We've opened a queue garden in London and see the giant Californian Sequoias huddling together for warmth. It's not natural. So we have to ask ourselves, do we even need trees anymore? Almost everything that trees do for us, we've found an alternative for. We don't need to climb them, we have adventure playgrounds for that. We don't need their fruit,

we have green grocers for that. Yes, they used to provide us with logs for fuel and planks for building materials, but you can get both of those at B and Q. We don't need their shelter, we have premier in, or if you've got absolutely no self-respect, travel lodge. If we got rid of trees, think of the advantages. We'd be able to see further. Trains would be able to run all year round in this country instead of having to take autumn off in case one of them gets knocked into a ravine by a falling leaf or whatever that bullshitt is. The fire service would be able to stop spending 34% of their annual budget as they currently do on getting cats out of trees for little old ladies. Teenage girls in 80s movies could put their bras on, safe in the knowledge there wasn't someone with a pair of binoculars in the branches outside their bedroom window.

In 1970s glam rock stars could drive through barns without crashing them in ease and dying Trees have to go Andy right. It's time. Okay. I mean, I mean, there's a lot though I mean I'm not sure they all have to go but there's 60,000 species of trees and only seven. Name them well. There's Oak one beach Christmas Chess Amalie chestnut horse chestnut pantomime horse chestnut Bich, Christmas, Chesamoli, Chesnup, Hors Chesnup, Panzmai, Hors Chesnup, a pointi, family, and trigonoma. But I think we've got enough, I mean as a tree consumer, you can't remember, Mae'r ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith birth rates around the world are going down. Maybe trees, you know, don't want to settle down again. I'm not, I just don't want to commit, I'm only 300, man. I want to play the field. I mean, only this field, I can't play in the other field.

I mean, what does a tree settling down look like? Just spraying all its pollanges in one direction? like just spraying all its polinges in one direction. I think people will be less unhappy about the coming extinction of trees if we refer to that as treaches. Treaches as the conquers fall. I have a game of treaches. Bate mine in another makes it really hard. Family show, Chris, family show. Also called Havy Vagiznos. Happy Giznos. Well this is what happens when you don't do a show for over a year and a half. Yeah. Like a discipline, Chris.

That's what it is. You should be keeping a tighter ship. Ys gyd yn ymwch, yw'r ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgw i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodd yn ymwyr i'r ddodio'r gwaithio? Mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r

gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r massive knock-on effect for the whole prehistoric fossilized ecosystem. Because if those prehistoric fossilized trees disappear, then there'll be no habitat, for example, for prehistoric fossilized dinosaur bird hybrids, such as the archaeopteryx, which will be in danger of dying out again,

which will be over two in the survival of the fittest league, the world's longest running league, currently it's 3.7 billionth season, and sponsored this year by Kazoo. Mankind of course still are any champions just about seeing off the challenge from microscopic viruses which had a tremendous 2020 season under the tutelage of their new Chinese pangolin manager. Alex, on the subject of trees, you know, spoiling the view as Chris pointed out, this has been a huge tree crime in Australia this week. Yes, indeed, in Hobart, which is the capital city of Tasmania, which is the extra little

island off the side of Australia that doesn't have the confidence to rejoin the mainland. This is front page news in Hobart at the moment, which is the deliberate poisoning of almost a dozen trees that authorities suspect have been targeted to improve the coastal view. So they've got little drill marks in them and they're dying extremely dramatically and slowly as trees do. The only things more dramatic than opera singers in their dev scenes are trees. And apparently they're very rare trees that are dying and the act of vandalism has an estimated damage value of 185,257 dollars. Which is very precise for an estimate.

Isn't it? Isn't it just? Like, where's the seven7 come from in that? Well, so I mean, it's typical, isn't it? Already fighting over the will before the trees have actually died. I mean, I'm going to make a cyborg out of that. I'm not fucking dead yet. But it's not going well for Australian trees in general. There was government plan to plan a big fucking desert.

Yeah, the people outside from that. There was a government plan to plan a big fucking desert. Yeah, the people outside from that. There was a government plan to plan a billion trees in a decade. And three years in, they planted 1% of those trees. And a senator told parliament it would take 357 years to achieve the target. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's starting to look very suspicious. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm dealing with the seven. It is starting to look very suspicious. You tell them an estimate to just tack a seven on, so it sounds like they've done the maths. I'm giving away how I do my cricket stats. Just put a decimal place in, people believe it. It's amazing. But by that time, in 350-70s,

time the average temperature in Australia will be an estimated 145 Celsius, or 183 on court at the Australian Open tennis, where players will be baked potatoes within three games. And trees will be on fire by the time they grow. So, I mean, what's your solution for the global tree crosses Chris cut them down Just cut the fuckers down. I don't trust them. I never trusted it Sneaky bastards. What are they hiding all that stuff on the ground come on Animals don't do that your dog you don't your dog doesn't stand by the door with its leg behind it I mean you can't see that bit

Sneaky bastards fair point Right any more on trees, Alice? I so much, but let's move on. I feel like I'm delving into something deeply personal. Let's move on now to men deciding what women do with their I am a'r i'n texas. A'r i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'n i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i'r i Are we misrepresenting this? I mean it does seem slightly hypocritical. It's such a peculiar law, Andy. I don't know if you've looked at the details of the law, but it allows bounties for snitches, like a weird pro-life video game where you just whack someone who's helping and their coins transfer to you. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. But I know then one of those coins was a sperm and you have to quickly gestate your new baby to term

and look after it for 18 years, even though you don't know where that coin has been. If your grandmother was right, all coins have been up someone's butt hole. Sorry, I got to read. I got to read. Look, it's so badly written as a law. You have to assume that they assumed it wouldn't pass.

It's like it's very dog who caught the car and then had to figure out how to administer a rule that lets you basically just take ten thousand dollars off someone involved in helping someone in distress. It's completely incoherent, almost impossible to enforce. Unwieldy, it's like if someone just transcribed a drunk uncle's pro-life rant onto a napkin and then slammed it down in front of the Texas legislature and went, this whole thing before puking into a pot plant. That's basically how the American Constitution was written, isn't it? I'm sure the founding fathers were f**king happy. It was written in a Frankenbenny's on a Friday night.

I just want to say in a rational society where everyone gets all their tubes pegged at puberty and then you have to do a test to get a child license and it's a one-question test which is do you want to have a child? And then they randomly select one social media post you've made and you have to name your child that post in full. Oh, that's not a big trick for me. That means my first child would have been called die mother f***er, die. DMD's also. And six weeks is, I mean that is absurdly early. For some people have realized they're pregnant or at least certainly come to terms psychologically

with the implications of pregnancy on your life, your lifestyle, your responsibilities. I know when my wife and I found out that she was pregnant in 2006, well it took me a good, well, decade and a half and counting to get my head around it a bit, I'm sorry. You mean if I wanna go out and watch sport on my own, I've got to monetize it?

What the f***? I mean... LAUGHTER Um, I mean, Chris, I'm not your massive fan of the brutal inhumality of America and the rest of the politics, what's your... Well, the thing is, my problem with this law is that it makes it even more difficult to ask the age-old question, am I in Texas or am I in Saudi Arabia? Filing the ground, check.

Large areas of desert, check. Distinctive headgear, check. Religious lunatic's are standard, check. Somewhat punchy attitude towards immigration, check. They're talking, but I can't understand what they're saying, check. Haught should of women masquerading as moral high ground, check, they're talking, but I can't understand what they're saying, check. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Mae'r fwy'r gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

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gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaith Well, you don't have to be pro-choice to see that some of the arguments are completely off the rails. My favourite one that I saw recently was the guy who said that if women can't abortions, if women can't get abortions, sorry, they'll be more selective about the men they sleep with and only bang men who they would be happy to have father-to-children. And so all other men will have to step up their game, which is such a huge argument from somebody who has never met people before.

I think the problem for the pro-choice movement is in fighting this law, is that it's very hard to argue that a six-week-old fetus is non-viable when, by that stage, it has roughly the same mental capacity as a Republican voter. The Republican Party, by the way, is technically no longer registered as a political organisation, but they hand-made tell Reenactment Society, which has the double benefit of allowing them to circumvent rules on donors and make the hoods they bought for their wives tax deductible. Most decent people believe that you don't really have a right to make laws concerning women's bodies if you don't have a woman's anatomy but of course the largely male legislature's juror of Texas was able to get

around this on a technicality by being a bunch of f***ing. The best way to fight this horrific tendency for largely male legislatures to make decisions about women's bodies, is for women to say, okay, fine, fine. Well, then you make all the decisions then. The whole thing would very quickly stop if the likes of Texas governor Greg Abbott were being rung up every two minutes by a woman saying, is this milk off? Or, hey, I'm just in Nando, should I go

with macho peas or peri-salty chips? Greg, hello, sorry to bother you. I was just going to send you something free birthday and I was wondering, do you think it should be a dog or a cat that I get the turd from? LAUGHTER Look, I know plenty of people who are kind, normal people, who have feelings about abortion or aren't sure what they think.

And to those people, I would say, you're right. It's a really hard ethical position to be in if you think women choosing not to carry a pregnancy is murder from day dot, which is actually what a blastocyst looks like. But it's a really fascinating trolley problem for philosophy class. And until we can measure the weight of a pending soul, and unless the issue is situated inside your own body, just pretend the unborn child is like collateral damage in a drone strike. Oh wow. You know, that seems quite comfortably in the realm of quite sad boohoo none of your business.

That all throw your pocket money into artificial womb technology and then every unwanted baby can be grown in a bag and used to colonize the stars or whatever. It's good to have a dream. I remember that. But luckily the satanists are standing up against it. My people. Yes, the Tannik Temple has launched legal action against the ruling. I mean, Chris, I know when know, when we first working together,

you were dabbling in. Yeah, yeah, very much so, yeah. We occult. Yeah, I'm 74. Ha! I mean, it's come to a sorry part in American politics when the Satanists are on the side of good. Yeah.

Yeah, that's bad, isn't it? If it turns out the same as one of the good guys, if same thinks what you're doing is a bit evil, you probably need to have a long hard bathroom yourself. The good news for me though, is that I might finally get re-cooped some of the money I lost that time I got drunk in order in 4,000, what would Satan do, wristbands? Well, Satanists are sort of the kid in school who decided to be shocking for fun because conforming is for idiots and then they realized there was a profound moral point to be made

and started community organizing without giving up on body modification. Oh, pentangles. It's your time to move on to a happier story now, do you think? Afghanistan news now. Picking up on a story we were reported on exclusively last week, big global scoop, the withdrawal from Afghanistan. As we left it last week, we're still waiting for the official traditional, come on everyone, it's not that bad speech from the American president.

And that came soon enough after we recorded last week Joe Biden who recently won the prestigious Bugle President of the Decade so far award. Tried to verbally paper over the political casms arriving from America's withdrawal from from Afghanistan. Who's enjoyed the Afghanistan crisis? Yeah, oh strange, well we've been advertising this gig, Chris. Fickle. He said, in his speech, my fellow Americans, the war in Afghanistan is now over. Missing out the keywords are bit of before. And it's not entirely obvious, is it?

The new era of peace and harmony is absolutely lathering itself all over Afghanistan, is it? Afghanistan? Afghanistan, more like? Am I right? It's the end of another round in the centuries old game of Central Asian **** about. Its winter stays on and Afghanistan are undefeated, having seen off the British, the Russians and now the Americans, with Afghanistan now entirely occupied by old school hyper religious warlords and Texas legislators, you'll want to be the Taliban, who take their name from the phrase, you can absolutely have that human right, Taliban it. Anyway, welcome to the bugle.

But gotta pay the piper. Anyway, following America's latest defeat in a land war in Asia, when will they learn? Haunted Madam to Sword's exhibit Joe Biden made a speech, which was less JFK's asked not what your country can do for you, and more shaggies it wasn't me. Give me a tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, he said, adding, and I'll leave half of them off the plane.

President Biden said it's time for America to stop nation-building abroad, which is fair, because it has quite a lot of nation building to do at home right now. When the Americans went into Afghanistan hoping to leave the country as a democracy like their own, I don't imagine that they were expecting that that ambition would be met because by the time they came to withdraw, Republicans would have eroded American democracy to the point where you genuinely wouldn't be surprised to see people in pickup trucks with guns o'r gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn g It's not always a recipe for improvement. For example, when I was reading my one year to one page history of the 20th century, 1938, England scored a record, 903 for seven at the Oval.

1939, aaaaaaaaaaah! Test cricket cancel! Oh, my book of photographs of politicians wearing unexpected clothes, Nelson Mandela and the number six springbok jersey at the 1995 Rugby World Cup final, turn the page Boris Johnson in a gim-pout fit, straddling a spitfire. I mean, that's just, what I see that do. I just read in the newspaper, last week, you know, tales of global desolation, I think you can't get worse than this, turn the page, Michael Gove dancing. o'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyr i'r llwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn ymwyd yn y Open carry on pastoros cheese. It's post-recepting lunch in 1790 and they just won't want, anyway.

They were hammered when they wrote it all. It could have been down to that time when Dorene's friends were wandered into a shopping mall with 80,000 rounds of brian force fed them to the local still. They all died of coronary illness before he finally turned the camembert on himself. illness before he finally turned the camembert on himself, but um... Alice, what's your solution to the Afghanistan crisis? Well, Andy, if I have one I'll tweet about it. That seems to be the protocol. But Joe Biden, a man who looks like he's being replaced piece by piece beginning with the teeth and currently mid-brain, that he

doesn't want America to be caught in a forever exit, which is like the opposite of an Irish goodbye. When you're trying to leave a party, I just think you shouldn't have gone if you didn't had a plan to get out. It's my strategy with all dates. They were going to date unless I already have a plan to get out. It's my strategy with all dates. They were going to date unless I already have a plan to break up with them.

I just got it in the back pocket. I mean, it has been a messy transfer window in Afghanistan. It's fair to say that not quite as well. Not as well as buzz has done. Chris, is it? I don't have a good transfer window. No, I mean, we haven't signed any Afghan players yet.

Yeah, but matter of time. He also announced that America would not be the global police anymore, which given what we know about how they approach policing in America is probably a good thing. I mean I find it hard to warm to the Taliban as a franchise. Give it time. I mean they seem... Give it time. Just a little on the humulus side.

I mean, so we'll talk about our political leaders that you like going to have a drink with them in the pub. And I'm not sure that's necessarily what you want, but I think the Taliban take it too far the other way. And I know we're suckers for nostalgia as a species, but brutal misogynist medieval theocracy. I think it's taking it too far. I think the 1970 should be your absolute cutoff point.

LAUGHTER And I've had them quite graceless in victory as well. And I mean, you compare... I mean, I know my confidence or Virak Kohli at the Oval, you know, he was confident, but he wasn't, you know, really sticking it to England England. I know they could learn from sports. I was, you know, you wouldn't get someone at Wimbledon, after Wimbledon final saying, o'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r i'n gweithio'r Yn ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ymwch, ym swarm of wasps at a child's birthday picnic. Right, I think we're done. That's it, hey, say. That is the most showbiz phrase. Right, I think we're done. I think we're done.

To quote Bruce Forsyth. We've gone over our contractually obliged hour. So if you can only remember the peak 60 minutes of this show and not the bits where I've been floundering around, try and remember what the fuck it was, it was the first thing to be doing. Wait, it's been an absolute delight. Have it speaking to human beings in the, in them who are not blood related to or are former

international cricketers with all due respect. Some of you may be either of those, I don't know. But anyway, thank you very much for coming. Thanks to Chris, as always, for making everything happen there. Chris. The producer. Thanks to Chris Addison, I was again, been lovely working with you again after all these years. And thanks for getting up so

early in the morning once again. Alice, Fraser! And do also listen to the gargle and all of the last post and everything else Alice does. Anything into plug? Wait, let me think. Nope. Thank you very much. You're career going, Chris. Nothing to plug. Oh, listen to our radio foreshow from 18 years ago.

Oh, yeah. If you can find it. It was a very good one. A lot of it on YouTube. Yes, there is. Although some of the people who co-starred in it are now in jail. That's the pitfalls of getting people who were then celebrities to play themselves in comedy sketches.

Anyway. Yeah, but that's a fun guessing game for you. To clue, it wasn't Craig Doyle. He's fine. Now, right, that's it. Thank you very much for coming. It's been a pleasure talking to you all. Thank you for coming to the legal. Thanks for this. Alice, thanks the underbelly. Goodbye. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.