The Bugle - Scallop wars and the Maybot: Bugle 4079

Episode Date: September 2, 2018

Andy and Alice record a Bugle at midnight in the woods – and discuss Theresa May's attempts at dancing, the first Scallop War of Brexit, and who the latest Aussie PM is (this may already be out of date).Recorded in front of about 1000 people at the beautiful End Of The Road Festival.With@HelloBuglers@Aliterative@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.comWe are proud members of Radiotopia Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Chris, hit the theme tune! What the f*** is this up?

It's a fabulous contestant. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Right. Right. Is that progress? So, so that's just now the official start of the show. Hello, Bugglers! Hello, people who are not Bugglers! Hello, people are slightly confused about what is now happening. So, welcome, welcome, so this for our listeners, not here, is Buggler 4,09.

We are live at the end of the road festival at the Larmatory in Dorset. It is now one minute to midnight, funny o'clock. And this was a number of firsts for this podcast. For the first time in our proud history, the Bugle is headlining a music festival. For the first time in our proud history, the bugle is headlining a music festival. LAUGHTER Now, I mean, it does slightly depend. I'd say that's in Vincent. Yeah.

LAUGHTER If you really are a saint... LAUGHTER Is she a real saint? Because I mean, she must have fiddled the paperwork because usually you've got to be pretty much dead, haven't you? She's not even a real Vincent. LAUGHTER because usually you've got to be pretty much dead, haven't you? She's not even a real Vincent. LAUGHTER

This is the first ever bugle to be performed outside. Traditionally, it's very much been an indoor kind of show. But today, we join the huge list of things that have happened outside. LAUGHTER A number of amazing things have happened outside through human history. For example, the Battle of Waterloo. The wipeout of the dinosaurs. Most cricket matches. All the good ones. All the good ones, absolutely all the good ones. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Let's just hope there's no repeat of something happening outdoors,

leading to a catastrophic mass conflict, whose echo is repercussed to this day. Another great outside event, the crucifixion of a Mr. J. H. Christ. Former assistant managing director of Joseph and step-son carpentry would work and donkey riding PLC. Also outside, precisely 50% of all Pope-ing has happened outside. Do you know that popes have a rare chemical in their bodies. It's catholicium

Pope-biosum. And that means if they don't do it, don't do exactly half of their Pope-ing al fresco, they become Jewish. How can you not pronounce something you just made up? Don't give the game away, Alan. We are now separate from some of the things that have only ever happened inside as well, including the finals of the World Snooker Championships, all of which have happened under a roof, the painting of the Sistine Chapel ceiling, happened inside, and also all of Theresa May's picnics. I don't know if there's anything more heartbreaking than a Prime Minister having an indoor picnic

on her own, but look at her face. She definitely does. I think she has a weekly solitary indoor picnic. Isn't that just known as a meal? I'm coming with your science. As always, some sections of the viewable are going straight. They're going In the bin! They're going in the bin, yes, correct, correct. They're going in the bin.

In the bin this week, a special woodland section, since we're in the woods, including the latest scientific studies over whether or not bears do shit in woods. And the conclusion is that some bears shit in the woods all the time, all bears shit in the woods some of the time, but not all bears shit in all of the woods all of the time. Also a cartoon section they've been where Cartoon of Middle-aged Singleton Kathy encountering a series of increasingly graphic dick pics on Tinder, the punchline is she says, ah, which is what we were all thinking. LAUGHTER

Also, hey, Guy, the horrible has to take out a loan on the legal fees for a sacramonious divorce and the Wizard of Eater temps unsuccessfully to say something pivvy about identity politics. That section in the bin. Also in the bin, we have a special speech for you, because no one really likes making speeches. And we have a universal special occasion speech. so whatever speech you have to make this you have to

cross out the bits you don't need and it will leave you with the perfect speech for any occasion starting with delete as applicable ladies and gentlemen stroke friends Romans countrymen stroke Stroke, urronna, Stroke, all the dudes and all the honeys. I stand before you today at my wedding, Stroke, bar mitzvah, Stroke, trial, Stroke, inauguration, Stroke, exorcism, Stroke, impeachment. Alongside my new wife, Stroke, husband, Stroke, Petig Iggywana, Stroke, Man, Servant, Stroke,

Quarterback, Stroke, Kawasaki 350. I am absolutely delighted, Stroke devastated, to be doing so on such a joyous, Stroke tragic, Stroke humiliating, Stroke, legally complex occasion. I have been looking forward to today with great excitement, stroke, morbid curiosity and a stomach churning sense of dread, stroke an extremely expensive lawyer. And now, with your love and support, stroke, contempt, stroke, fruitly worded insults and curses wringing in my ears, the future stretches ahead of me like an eternal journey into the blissful unity of love, stroke the postseason playoffs, stroke an episode of CSI Miami. Thank you all so much

for coming to share this special occasion with us. Enjoy your day, stroke, screw you all, stroke, our men. Andy, that is more strokes than happens backstage at a comedy gig. Boom! Ah,ag me, too. Oh! Oh! We are recording this. Well, it was the 31st of August when this gig started. And I think this is also the first one we've straddle two days

on this show, the 31st of August. For one to try. The 31st of August. What an anniversary that, on this day, oh, yesterday, in the year 1422, Henry V died of dysentery. That is an old reaction. What was that? Dilly, dilly.

Dilly, dilly. That's how we go. Henry VI thus became King Aide's nine months and began his reign as King by crying and shitting himself, making him arguably the political leader who has most accurately reflected the mood of his nation in human history. You might think he's a bit young to run a country,

but I would ask you this, who would you rather have running your country a crying and shitting nine-month-old baby? B, option B, Donald Trump, option C, the shady forces behind Donald Trump, or option D, both B and C. I think we'll take the shitting baby. Alex. On this year, in history in 1920, the first radio news program was broadcast, thus paving the way for this piece of audio bullshit. In the US Soviet hotline went into operation, thus paving the way for Trump to call Vladimir Putin at 3 a.m. and tell him about a dream he had where Putin was writing a dolphin wearing

the Aquaman costume. Also on this day, in history, Princess Diana died, thus paving the way for a complete reassessment of our toxic celebrity-based news culture, which now respects the privacy and autonomy of individuals of no way. That didn't happen. I mean, the tragic death happened, but if we've learned anything from the media trolling of megal Markle, it is that we have learned nothing from the tragic death of Diana. So, top story this. Are you happy with the world, generally? No, out of 10, how do you

score the world right now? Two, four, three. Dog shit out of 10. It's about a butt on the plus side. There's a story of great positivity this week. And that is that we are now at war with France. A one, two, three, four. We have declared scallop war. And I don't know if you've seen this, but British boats and French boats have been clashing in the channel in a battle about scallops. I mean, it's just 213 years since the Battle of Trafalgar. So it's really just running on in the grand scheme of things. So this, so British boats appeared off the coast of Normandy.

See how you like it, your Norman bastards. That's for what you did to King Harold. Never forget. They're also around 40 small French boats clashed with five larger British boats. The boats bumped each other, stones were thrown, and sorry if there's any children in insults were hurled, and up to 10,000 people were killed or injured. Up to being the key word there was fewer than 10,000 fewer than 10,000, but still, and in the middle of this some heartbroken scallops was screaming, I don't know who to love!

I just want to be cooked in the tastiest way possible! I mean, boats on both sides threw stones at one another. Where are they getting the stones? On a boat? They are the least floating thing! I don't know. It, you can't get fishermen in our demanding government protection while the French are bewailing the loss of what they call a primary resource, which I assume is that.

Does that not scream primary resource to you? To me, it's very hard to either scallop these days without thinking to yourself, Aphrodite, you are not what you want, you're worth. So I don't know what you thought of this. I mean, I thought when it came to the fisherman and person with all these scallops, I thought they're being a little bit shellfish. Oh, f***ing hell. So that's true. Well, I mean, in this kind of conflict, the one who wins

is the one who ends up with the most muscles, right? Boom, there we go. Do my local Chinese restaurant run out of scallops because of this, because of this, this, this battle? The owner visited from Shanghai, especially for a scallop in black bean sauce dishes, very, very disappointed. Very, very, very, absolutely,

crestfallen. He really was a crustacean. Crustacean? Sorry. Ah! That's right. LAUGHTER CHEERING I mean, is this going to lead now, too?

Because I mean, this clearly was a resumption of hostilities in the Brexit phase that we're all enjoying now. Could this lead to more tit-for-tat revisiting of our great wars of the past with European enemies? I mean, I mean, I'm going to see more armadas to Spain. Or, I mean, on the same scale, just a guy hiring a peddler and urinating in the sea off Santa Bastion. Maybe with Germany, we'll just send a guy over in a hot air balloon to throw a sausage roller at a reservoir. Well, resume hostilities with Italy by getting angry red-headed

woman to smash up a pizza restaurant in Col to take back control people and also in Brexit news. Theresa May, our great leader, the extent by God to rule us all, has been to Africa and this happened. Now, I's not the music of us. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, I mean, what I was slightly surprised with was that when she turned up in Africa, people didn't say, oh, we've been expecting you, where the f*** is all our stuff. You wouldn't believe it. You've come at a very bad time. We are fresh out of endangered hippos for you to shoot. Now, I'm no dance expert, Alice.

The only times I dance in public are when I'm trying to avoid a wasp at a picnic and all gunfire aimed at my feet. Or, the only other time is when I'm demonstrating to my children the things I do not want to see a British Prime Minister doing in public. I mean, I as the bugle of dance correspondent, Alice. Talk as through this. I mean, look, she's doing some very awkward middle-aged white lady dance moves. But I find them very reassuring. I think Theresa May is the appropriate dance competence for a woman of her age station and let's be honest nationality.

I don't think people are adequately considering exactly how horrifying it would have been if she were a good dancer. Can you imagine how devastating it would be to the morale of the nation if she'd broken out of vicious breakdance backflip in the midst of a gaggle of innocent African children? Really? I mean, there are a few moves in there where she looks like she's trying to invoke an evil spirit, but to be honest, that is consistent with the rest of her politics, so I'm fine with it. I don't know, I generally resent having to pay attention to news about what people are wearing or their bodies when there are more important things to focus on Like whether she actually managed to secure a favor of Walter a deal or what ancient evil from the bowels of the earth She's lost upon the world with that weird arm move she did You have some sperm news. Oh, yes Didn't see that one coming.

Family show Alice. Now this is another aspect of Brexit that we weren't told about before we voted on it. And that is the potential devastating news that we could be struggling for supplies of Danish sperm after Brexit. It turns out that if we don't get a good deal, then there's going to be a huge shortage of Danish sperm. It turns out that Danish sperm is the sperm of choice for IVF in this country. Yeah, Danish semen makes up almost half of all non-British male reproductive material imported to the UK in 2017. So now a no-deal Brexit might mean not only food shortages,

but a desperate gizdrous. Coincidentally, that was a name of a prog rock band I was in as a student. Everyone in the waiting line for some classic Scandinavian Spunk will have to hold on to their wombs or figure out how to assemble thousands of tiny gametes from a flat pack with only an Allen key, which is what my friend Allen calls his penis. No, I think the lead is being buried here in these millions of little Danish pre-immigrants pre-coming here in pre-nating our women in what is admittedly a more consensual manner than is their ancient tradition. They have never apologized.

All for all for people. In other sperm news, this is from which one of those you think is going to win? Shall we run a book on it? Things I have to Google at work, isn't it you? That was a Kenny Rogers song, isn't it? In China, there was a Chinese sperm bank that was appealing for only communist donors. So only they were only taking communist sperms out.

Yeah, they made a request for sperm only from men with an abiding love for the socialist motherland and good ideological thoughts, which begs the question of when exactly he needs to be having those thoughts. Isn't a general pro-communist attitude or does he needs to be having those thoughts. Is it a general pro-communist attitude? Or does he need to be thinking about the Communist Party as he stands in a lonely plastic room surrounded by nationalist pornography, providing the most patriotic possible sample? Cheds on the phrase, lie back and think of China. But interestingly, actually, sperms are communists.

Well, Stalinists, technically, and that's only one of them achieves anything and millions of them die for nothing. So, ain't that Stalin? So, ain't that! So, I'll just say, he even coming back from that satirical broadside. So, he's got any more sperm news or is it?

No, I'm dry. Let's... Give me 20 minutes to recuperate and I'll come back and try again. Cheers. Let's go on to education news now. Well, we have a teacher recruitment crisis in this country. Do you have any teachers in hands up if you're a teacher? Yeah, see how you like it. What is that with the lights here? We're in a wood. Right, okay, we're in a wood. There is that.

So what do you teach? Ari and philosophy. I think fundamentally there's a great problem with education funding. And it would be very easily solved if we just got rid of all teachers, apart from one category of teacher. Because you have to ask me, what do we need science teachers? Do we need physics teachers? No, physics is still going to work if kids don't know about it.

Just raises unrealistic expectations about jetpacks. Do we need biology teachers? No, who gives a shit how frog's f***? Do we need French teachers? We have Google Translate or just shout louder. Do we need math teachers? Just buy a f***ing calculator or ask an adult. Do we need geography teachers? Oh, we'll be f***ing dope. A lake. Do we need history? History, just f***ing people.

I've got rid of all history. Should we band them? Look at the countries that are happiest in the world. Places like New Zealand, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Canada, what have they all got on common? Absolutely f***ing nothing ever happens there. Compare that with the Middle East, history, shitting out of its ear holes, ban history. History teaches the worst than ISIS. LAUGHTER

I don't mean everything I say in this show. Do we need... Do we need art teachers? Oh well, Dan, you've painted a picture. You're not as good as Michael and you just give up. And do we need English teachers? There's enough fucking novels as it is. So all the only teachers we need in this country are drama teachers. This is the one, because my daughter is about to start secondary school.

This is one core skill she needs. Look at the way the world is evolving to jobs market. That is the core, oh, and seven years of nothing but drama teachers. Because that is what she needs. She needs me to be able, when she leaves school, she needs the core ability to pretend that she is living a happy and fulfilled working life and living in her own home. Now, that is the most depressing joke I've ever written.

Um. To return to the news story, people teach a ratio as a reason since 20,000 and 10. But how do you even say that number? 2010, 2010, 2009, 2010. People teach a ratio as a reason in the last few years because student numbers have grown, and teacher recruitment

has failed to keep up new figures show. Research from the Educational Policy Institute think tank lays bear the severity of England's teacher recruitment crisis with just one in five physics teachers holding a relevant degree in some parts of the country. There is a move on by the government to write more romance novels and action movies with hunky teachers as the lead hoping to spark a rush to school similar to that experience by the wizard industry post Harry Potter phenomenon. Until those books came out,

magic was considered the domain of young men who couldn't talk to women at parties. Look at it now. LAUGHTER In other education news, in China, a school has removed chairs from its dining room to stop pupils sitting down at lunch so they can get back to class more quickly to learn. Now that is a country that is laying its global domination cards very firmly on the table,

then taking them off the table and saying, we've had our 45 allocated seconds on the table, now we can f**king lunch and get back in the classroom. Another Chinese school has just installed toilets instead of seats in all classrooms to ensure that calls of nature do not interfere with a national march to becoming the planet's leading economic superpower. The West is terrified of China, not just economically,

but militarily as well. There was this rumor I read on the internet the other day that China has developed a secret million strong army. And this time they have not made the mistake of making them out of terracotta. So, in another world, it's slightly related story. The British government has proposed banning energy drinks for children. I mean, how the f***ing supposed to get the little bastards out of bed in the morning?

I mean, you know, in China, these schools are just injecting red bull directly into their eyeballs. I mean, how? It's supposed to be competitive global race. Yeah, they're proposing these ban of energy drinks to under 16s amid concerns about high levels of sugar and caffeine and their impact on children's health and behavior Just one can of rockstar punched Jesus Contained 78 grams of sugar that is nearly 20 teaspoons

I mean, what is the world coming to Andy with this nanny state bullshit? If children cannot be trusted to resist advertising deliberately targeted their vulnerable half-formed minds And control their own sugar intake who can be trusted It's worse than a nanny state even nanny didn't marry poppins the first nanny to rise from the primordial soup Seeing that song about 20 teaspoons of sugar helping the glue corona and lactane and touring go down Didn't she and she did Alice you're quite right She did Alice, you're quite right. So... Super Jinglework, Chris.

Lovely work on the Jinglework. So, Germany Australians in? Welcome. So, are you excited by your... You have a new Prime Minister, congratulations. There you go. your, you have a new Prime Minister? Congratulations. F***ing. There you go. So this is, this is the old one. This is, uh, about-

I mean, that's a compliment, Andy. Yes. The translating from Australian. I always worry about saying f***ing over here, because in Australia they get offended if you don't say it. So, uh, yes, in Australian news now, there has been a leadership spill in Australia, which is Australia's word for when a political party stabs its leader in the back and replaces

him with another soon-to-be-back-stabbed patty. Sorry, leader. This means Australia will not have managed to have a Prime Minister serve a full term since John Howard in 1997. The current political lifespan of an Australian leader is about the same as a moth with a candle fetish. Not that we were ever careful with our leaders before, as the tragic disappearance of Harold Haunt Holt in a mysterious swimming accident goes to show. It wasn't that mysterious. He went swimming and then at some point in the swim, we have to assume he decided to stop swimming. As far as names go, calling this leadership spills feels a little bit accidental liquid whoopsy for something that is in a very concrete way deliberately restructuring your national

leadership and calling it a spill. Also feels a bit like rubbing in our current nasty drought situation. Yeah, it's all in drought. The revolt against now former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull began when Peter Dutton, famous potato-faced fanatic homophares minister and leader within the conservative faction of the Centre-Write Liberal Party,

challenged Turnbull's leadership and lost. And then they tried again later in the week and Scott Morrison won. So that's basically what happened. So, I mean, it's not interesting. It's Australian politics of f***ing say. I mean, it's amazing how exciting it is for a country where absolutely f*** all ever happens.

To church, so Scott Morrison is the new prime minister. And for those who don't know Scott Morrison, he is essentially a callahari of charisma. And he is a Christian fundamentalist who believes in the power of coal to save humanity. And he took a lump of coal into Parliament last year, and thus becoming the first serving MP to go into his national legislative chamber carrying a physical representation of his own soul. LAUGHTER

I mean, people are asking now in the wake of this news, who is Scott Morrison? And the important thing to remember about Scott Morrison is you do not have to remember Scott Morrison. He will be gone within months to be replaced by another indistinguishable man in a suit with flexible ethics and a posh on for treachery. LAUGHTER

It's like the war of the roses except roses won't grow in Australia in this current drought. Australia, the fascinating country, particularly when you look at their attitude towards immigration, Australian rules, immigration, very very similar to Australian rules football. In that it is needlessly violent and aggressive despite there being a colossal amount of space. And it is and will always remain completely nuttally baffling to all outsiders. As Australia continues to struggle with extreme drought, large numbers of emus have been descending on an outback mining town in New South Wales.

They are causing only the kind of havoc that giant f*** off birds can. They're not literally descending as they're flightless. Um... They are more sort of charging in with their big wide bicks and beanpole necks and very, very scary feet. Imuse... Imuse are a scary thing, Andy.

They're very big and they have the beautiful mad eyes of sociopathic murderers with attention deficit disorder and no natural predators. They cannot digest their food without eating rocks, so you know they're hard. F**k. These birds are desperately searching for food and water in Broken Hill, which is about 580 miles west of Sydney.

Local animal rescue services say they're actually walking down our main street. We're seeing mobs of them. ABC News reports groups of emus have been seen running laps of the main street eating gardens and gate crashing football matches. Ms Singleton who works for the rescue and re about billetation of Australian native animals says we've had 14 on a sporting oval. They've been out there for weeks. The locals in the area are giving them food and water. Fought 14 people on the cricket pitch for weeks. That's just a cricket match, isn't it? Emus.

A emus on a football pitch. But here what you want to hear, eh? It's the only way to get through life. I mean, all this emus stuff is fun and games till someone starts an emu war. You know the emu war? Yeah! Great emu stuff is fun and games till someone starts an emu war. You know the emu war? Yeah! Great emu war of 1932 when soldiers armed with Lewis guns tried to curb a local

emu population in Campion, Western Australia. It looks like emus are just trying to get in on the current popular wave of public figures looking to return to 1930s political stances. Let's move on to our bugle features section this week. Festivals, since we're here at a festival, Alice, you are our festival's correspondent here at the bugle. You have a survival guide for festival goers for it. Yeah, how to blend in at a music festival if you don't really feel like you fit in and, for example, a comedian.

These are just tips for you. Go forth and use them. Make friends with a stranger with a wise smile and no egregious head gear. Assess any kind of hat as an adjunct to rather than a replacement for a personality. Find somebody who looks like they're here for the music and only a little bit of drugs. This will be your safety officer. They will be fully clothed in clothes that are recognizable as clothes. This will distinguish them from many other festival attendees. Follow the wise stranger to a tent of their choosing.

You won't like the music. This is correct. If you find yourself enjoying the music move on, it's not cool anymore. The toilets at the festival will only be humane for five minutes at the beginning of each day. By 10 past nine in the morning, there will be fettered, wreaking help it's coated in the toxic effluvia of drug-addled strangers, eating unfamiliar food in unsanitary conditions. If you cannot make it to the toilets inside that five-minute window, hold everything in until

you explode. Shower facilities will be subhuman freezing and located in a remote area accessible only via forest people entirely by murderous. You should not use them. Nobody will notice that you smell until you're back in civilization and people start flinching away from you like the dusty filthy glitter strewn monster you have become. Well which would be welcome to the festival everyone. I was a saddest year.

I'm sorry. I love doing this festival the end of the road. It's my third time here and it's the festival that most, whose name most accurately reflects the prevailing state of my career. So I've got also got to have a quick look at some of the other festivals that you might like to try in 2019, including Lullaby Loser, the world's most sleep-inducing music festival. There are 12 music stages with the top Lullabysters around, including sleepy Joe McNot, a snoozy, sousi in the gym jams and Zachar on the Z-Catcher. Are you wearing your pajamas under your shirt right now?

That is our little secret, Alice. It's cold. I'm 43. Chicken slam 19. The world's leading chicken criticising festival, featuring all the world's leading chicken skeptics. Keynote speaks from Professor Deirdre's Croquel from the University of Nance which is an onethological reassessment unit. The speech chickens are to eagles what dog turns are to Da Vinci. Also the uneroticer festival 2019, festival of the unerotic some terrific exhibitors of Victorian style undergarments, and music stage headline by rock legends Warlocks of Chastity Playing all the hits when they're platinum selling album not my thing

Including your damn hot bay, but I'd rather do the crossword a little bit of booze a little bit of snooze Please put your dressing gown back on you're embarrassing me And it's a bit disgusting objectively. Plus their death leopard inspired poor some sugar in my teeth. And also Coachella, in which you can queue up to receive rugby coaching tips on the Australian rugby laser mark. And of course, oh, also the Gurning Man festival, in which 100,000 people gather in the desert to watch 83-year-old Albert Froggich put a series of weird faces. How are we doing for time, Chris? I mean, I think we are about...

Over time. Over time, right. F**king you, Chris. I'm f**king you. You're f**king you, Chris. You're f**king time, right. F**king your face. F**king your face. Genius. Now, for people who don't know the view, well, this may seem rude, but it's actually

curiously a sign of affection, or is it? Do you have time for a quick Q&A? Which is my favourite of the smurf movies. My god, how did it decide? Jesus, you've really put me on the spot there. Whichever one ended the franchise. LAUGHTER Um, I don't know if it's possible to choose your favourite smurf. Smurf, I just like choosing your favourite form of beheading, isn't it?

LAUGHTER Long term bugle fans may know that sometimes there are puns in the bugle, but um... LAUGHTER I know that sometimes there are puns in the bugle, but I've been trying to win myself off by instead reading major works of Russian literature. I got into it through a friend who's obsessed with major Russian literary figures. As soon as he was telling me, some of them are amazingly poor. Some of these Russian retomies, his favourite 20th century Russian writer had so little money had to wear his shoes as a hat in the winter.

But he had the infestation in his hair, which then got right into the depths of his footwear. I said, what is Sol's avenixin? Tough crowd. You know, he inherited this love of Russian literature from his dad's sister, a world expert in Russian literature. He was on Tell, a world expert in Russian literature. He was on Telewonday, in fact, talking about it, coincidentally, a day when my friend had a particularly throat problem that his doctor told him to monitor every hour. He didn't want to forget either to watch his aunt on the tele or to take his medicine,

so he wrote himself a memo, aunt on check-off. But, turn that, it was a psychological problem he had. It is a shrink told, and to make a list of everything he was afraid of. There were four things he was most afraid of cycle races around France powdery stuff of any form hot drinks made by infusing leaves and Impliments were going down snowy slopes that way too much he wrote down. I fear toward dust tea heavy ski fear to dusty heveski I Mean forever if not achievement sure I mean we're over our if not achievement, surely.

I mean, we're over our contractually obliged time. This is... Look at the shock in some of these, but some of them have gone completely goggalied. Oh, come on, that was all right, isn't it? Right, okay, I'm going off to a nabba coffee. No, no. And anyway, my friend was... he was very upset, actually.

They used to, he was born on the 25th of July. And he was most upset, they used to be a tax on people born between the 23rd of July and the 22nd of August. And he was hoping that the government would remove that tax. And he said to me, did that happen? And because of Brexit, he said, I can't believe they let the Leo Tolstoy. Leo Tolstoy. He said something and he didn't happen because of Brexit. And he said, I can't believe they let the Leo toll stay. Leo toll stay.

Right, some of these people are just staring at me. I've never seen a more staring audience. I think we've reached maximum gorky. Oh. Oh. Oh. Right. I can't believe you did that.

Touch me, unreal. LAUGHTER I can only apologise for the this. Touch me, unreal! I can only apologise for the last minute of this show. I thought that brings us to the end of the bugle. Chris, any further housekeeping? Good night. Thank you very much, Pam. This has been a, I will admit, a weird gig. A delightful crowd.

It has been quite odd doing a topical podcast in, well, communing with nature with some lights that are big to have in mind of their own with people who are now thinking earnestly about bedtime and whether they're going to cook bacon in the morning. So thank you very much for staying up and joining us here. Give it up for Alice Fraser. Press the producer. I'm Amanda Zoltzman, thank you for listening to The View. Well, until next time, goodbye. you