The Bugle - Sharon Stone fludges her pontullius

Episode Date: June 1, 2008

The 31st ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bughlers and welcome to issue 31 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 2nd of June, 2008 with me and his

ultimate in London and in New York City, John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bueglers. This, of course, has been a historic week, John, because in a town in Columbia, they have made the world's largest ever punch show. Proving that no matter how depressing the world may become, the punch show will always be an amusing government,

especially when you make it big enough to fit over a church. Well done, Columbia. I mean, I might have spent a bit more time solving their drug wars, but no, they had to make them as large as Poncell and I applaud them for that. I don't think that any church without a Poncell looks somehow incomplete. I agree. Are you listening, Art's Bishops Canterbury? At least put a sombre. As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bend this week.

The Job section, including features on. Do you work from home but miss the office atmosphere? Then simply hire a group of people you don't really like and would never always spend time with to mill around your living room for 9 hours a day. Also this week, a free CV, this one belonging to the astronaut and former senator John Glenn. So use that if any of you have got job interviews. Yes, they might put you across a bit old for most jobs,

but a lot of employers might find themselves thinking that they actually could do with someone in the office who's been to space and spent 25 years in the Senate. You can't buy that kind of experience. base and spent 25 years in the Senate. You can't buy that kind of experience. Top story this week and Scott McLelland's Tell All Book. Details came out this week of Scott McLelland's fourth coming book titled What Happened Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Disception. This book has gone straight to number one in the best on a list, generating the kind of excitement not previously seen for a book without Potter, Da Vinci or Bible

in the title. Not since the boy wizard have we seen these kind of scenes outside bookshops, many of which opened up midnight to cues of journalists who come dressed as their favourite characters from the Bush administration. Neil Dixon, 46 from The New York Times, clouched the book close to his chest saying, I've been waiting ages for this. There's some startling revelations in the book. McLean and reveals that amongst other things, Bush was not open and forthright about the war,

that he rushed into a war that was not necessary, that he didn't plan adequately for the aftermath of the war, and that he relied on a manipulative propaganda campaign to sell his pet war. Now these highly sensitive facts John of course were previously only known to anyone who had paid the blindest bit of notice at the time. And they would also have been accessible to Scott McClellan at the time, had he put his reading glasses on and looked at any of the placards at any of the anti-war protests anywhere in the world. Other than that, we had no way of knowing this was true.

It's a good part. I do hope he's put some monsters and carchages in this book, Andy, because he is stolen the plot line from almost every book published about the president in the last five years. He's ripping off Robert Fisk. This is plagiarism of the worst kind. The reason this book is so shocking

is that it comes from someone who was part of the president's inner circle. On the day that McLennan left the White House, Bush said, one of these days, he and I are going to be in rocking chairs in Texas, talking about the good old days of his time as press secretary. I suppose that image may still come true, but I guess it's more likely now that McLennan will be gagged and tied to his chair, and Bush will be rocking backwards and forwards in his hands with a tied to his chair. And Bush will be rocking backwards and forwards in his,

with a rifle in his lap. But these revelations by McLennan were about a surprising as a friend of Beethoven selling his story to the local paper and revealing that Little Ludwig really likes writing music and was pretty good at it too. I just hope Andy that Scott McLennan didn't just do this for the money because if he did, that means we could have just had a whip round at the start of the Iraq war and heard the complete truth. I'm sure everyone would have chipped in for that

and that would have been a very wise investment, a bargain, a double the price. Just pass a massive jar around the world and then dump it outside Scott's home. One commentator said McClelland was a true Texan concerned with truth. Not really. He was pressed secretary at the White House. I mean that's a position where you not so much concerned with truth as concerned by truth. You wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat having had a nightmare about truth chasing you off the edge of a lemonade waterfall and holding your head under the surface so all the bubbles go up. Carl Rove has spread his black leathery wings and got on the attack. Both he and current White House press spokesman Dana Perino have said this is not the Scott we knew.

Let's presume because the Scott they knew would say anything they wanted him to say. If they told him to go jump off a cliff, the next thing they knew he'd already google maps of the nearest cliff and was explained to the press about how him jumping off a cliff was in the long-term best interest of the country. But it's true, I think political memoirs generally do have the same relationship with truth and relevance as a pet ferret has with the music of Jo Han's Opacity and Bach. In other words, either none at all or a little bit, but entirely coincidental. People have said that this is inconsistent. He should have said all of this at the time,

but to be fair, McClellan did end every press conference by winking at the press and holding up a sign, saying everything I just said is bullshit, but they were too busy picking up their pens to notice. It's not like one of those hostage videos. I think it was just forced to read this stuff out. A former presidential councillor Dan Bartlett said Maclellan had used very inflammatory words like propaganda without a lot of evidence.

I'll tell you what other inflammatory words you shouldn't use without evidence and the weapons, mass, destruction, mission and a complex. and accomplished. Angri Laurie Drivers News Now and Britain has been brought to a very partial standstill once again by protesting Laurie Drivers complaining about the price of fuel they've elected to protest not by parking their Laurie's outside OPEC headquarters in Vienna or outside the headquarters of the world's largest oil companies, but the government who are going to add 2P to the already many P that petrol costs in Britain. Newspapers in Britain are in fact calling for a cut in fuel tax as Prime Minister Gordon Brown have met that the world is facing an oil shock. Britain is a godless secular country

now Andy. And are newsp newspapers have become like a daily Bible, or be it a Bible with pictures of topless women in it? And then, on the seventh day, did a paper run an editorial promoting vastly irresponsible short term thinking on the energy crisis? And, low Britain was pleased. It's interesting you should draw the comparison with religion, John, because an expert on BBC

website said that the current oil crisis is like the dot-com boom in the 1990s, as long as everyone kept believing in it, the price went up when they stopped believing in it, the price went down, and that's a warning. So I think we, John, as believers in oil have the power to solve the global oil crisis by stopping believing in the power of oil. So when your car starts in the morning, bugle listeners, don't give credit to the oil. Instead, give credit to the key in your ignition or the workings of almighty's use and watch the oil prices tumble.

You're going to have to combat OPEX tinkerbell theory then, and they're encouraging children of the world to say that they do believe in oil and clapping their hands and the price will just shoot up. There have been truck drivers protesting both England and France, fishermen, blocking ports in France, Italy and Greece. As it happens, the truck drivers in France were blocking ports anyway. They were talking about something they actually forgot on long ago, so they were happy to switch over and now strike about this. People here in the United States are already panicking about the price of gas, and it is a fraction here of what it is in Europe.

If you even mentioned the price here, people would initially assume it was a joke looking for hidden cameras around the room, then would go very quiet, then scream, run straight out into the streets and start rioting. At Rex Tillerson, chairman and chief executive of Exxon Mobile Corp, the world's largest oil and gas company, spoke to shareholders in Dallas on Wednesday. He spoke from a swivel chair, stroking a hairless cat.

An Exxon Mobile is known to be very skeptical about the global warming that would threaten its industry. And whilst other oil companies at least try to appear like they care about the environment, Mr Tillerson is becoming a refreshing breath of cast and eugenic air. He said that rather than accept global warming is occurring and allow governments to implement policies which will put world economies at risk, we should instead continue the debate. We should talk about it more. Effectively Andy, he would have been the man on the Titanic saying, yes, but is it sinking not?

I know it looks like people are sliding into the water, but could that not be a trick of the moonlight? Let's be absolutely sure before we deploy those lifeboats. Well I think that's better. John, for an old company to be that honest that it is perfectly prepared to shaft the entire planet. I find that less annoying than BP's advert saying, oh BP you're going green. Oh, there's no. Well, you mean your font. It is green.

You've literally gone green. If you are concerned about the cost of fuel, here are some tips on how to economise on your fuel bill. One, only drive downhill. Two, if your local amateur dramatic group is putting on a musical about an oil slick, don't use real oil. Try using a mixture of dark, trickle and human bile instead.

And three, instigate a better family feud, saving you from having to drive to see your folks at the weekend. It's the great thing to do. Think of the future, not the past. BELL RINGS Human devastation news now,

and more than 100 nations have agreed to draft treaty banning cluster bombs. And I'm not talking about cluster bombs who played third base for the Boston Lincoln putt from the early days of baseball. Nor am I talking about the cluster bombs, the Motown backing group who proceeded the Vandellas until Martha Reeves had had enough of them pretending to blow themselves up. No, John, I'm talking about the extremely rude splattering harbingers of destruction that save much of their collateral damage for long after the TV crews have gone home. These bombs split into hundreds of tiny bomblets, which sound cute and lovable, but just as fluffy little ducklings one day grew up to become homicidal killer crocodiles. So, bomblets mature into raging balls of death on contact with the ground. They do sound cute though, Andy, Bommlitz. They could be the new Christmas craze.

Every child wants a cute little Bommlitz, and if you're a child living in the Middle East, then you're probably going to get one whether you want one or not. Toptown of the sky by a metal Santa Claus and his fiery, fiery reindeer. Unfortunately, the move to bank cluster bombs is opposed by a number of key weapon manufacturers and stockpilers, namely Russia, China and the US. Brenting the agreement basically useless because not only are they the world's biggest producers of cluster bombs, they're the world's biggest droppers of them as well. I've been trying to think why America will have ducked out of this treaty, John.

I think there are a number of possible reasons. Firstly, because America thinks cluster bombs look cool when they go off. And I guess from a certain angle, they do, as long as you're not underneath them. I think that angle has to be watching them on television. Or from behind the controls of an airplane. I guess.

I don't know. I've never actually dropped a cluster bomb myself. Alternatively, it's because America have around 700 million bomblets to get rid of. And frankly, John, it would be disrespectful to the families of the manufacturers of these bomblets not to let them off. We must not let their work have been in vain. And thirdly, because as America actually claimed last week, the treaty could apparently jeopardize America's participation in peacekeeping operations, which is a quite phenomenal, triple jump of logic. Some campaigners do believe that the US will change.

Oh, they cite the landmine treaty of 1997 that was never signed by the US, Israel, Russia or China, yet those nations have not used landmines since it came into effect. So, they might stop doing it, but they won't say they're gonna stop doing it. It's like negotiating with a six-year-old. Have you spent much of your life negotiating with six-year-olds still? Well, I have, and it's lastly to do with landmine treaties,

and it's just like negotiating with China and the US. Very short attention span. They cry on doodle a lot on the war, very annoying in the midst of negotiations when you try to get them to do stuff and then it's very hard to regulate their sugar intake. That is the one thing that six year olds and US ambassadors have in common. They both get very haywire when they've had too many sweets. Testify. The little bomblets have got a high failure rate, which makes them very light little turtles,

but unlike little turtles, the ones that don't make it don't become taste a little can of pace for passing sharks. They become landmines, which are banned. So essentially, these cluster bombs are landmines for the lazy. They come throughs that can't be asked to go to the trouble of actually laying landmines themselves. They. The countries that can't be asked to go to the trouble of actually laying landmines themselves, they just let luck do it for them. Well, I tell you what, John, I would not like a cluster bomb going off in my garden,

unless the foxes were sunbathing on my patio again. In which case, I could see a moral and tactical justification for it. I just think, they're nice those foxes, Andy. I don't see what your problem is. Well, we'd never be able to use our entire garden again for fear of treading on an unexploded bit of liberation weaponry. But that's worth it. To get rid of those foxes.

But Andy, here's the thing, you're last two houses. Yeah. You've had troubles with foxes at both houses. It's starting to look like it might be you and not the foxes. Somehow you're antagonising those foxes. Yeah well you're last two countries you've had problem with Muslim extremist, John. I won't keep bleeding on about it.

And now a special bugle bloopers section. I love bloopers Andy, I love bloopers. Do you prefer a blooper to a gaff or do you see them as very much interchangeable? No, I like a blooper, Andy. I like to, even when I see gaffs, I like to call them bloopers, because I prefer the word blooper to gaff. It's a lot more funny to say. A top blooper of recent times, Hillary Clinton, she made a classic blooper last week when she was talking about why she should stay in the race. She said my husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the

middle of June right then there was a slight pause when she could have stopped talking. Now I'll just carry on running but instead she decided to say some more words and the words that came out of her face with this we all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California I just don't understand it and the is there a funnier blooper than one which is assassination related Who could forget the blooper of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? What a blooper! And that led to some violent slapstick for years afterwards. I just think it's come to a sorry past, John, when a woman can't make a veiled assassination threat at my election rival candidate

without people getting all pro-life about it. Was this a tacit admission, John, that Hillary Clinton was, in fact, responsible for the assassination of Bobby Kennedy? It was unclear whether she was trying to confess to that, to be honest, I think it would have been less politically damaging to confess to the assassination of Bobby Kennedy than imply that Obama should have been assassinated. That would have been a better explanation if she was telling me, oh, and of course, I would

never say anything is awful as to imply that Obama might be assassinated. All I'm saying is, I'm taking full admission for the assassination of Bobby Kennedy. It was kind of a veiled mafia threat though, wasn't it? It seemed to have been basically saying, it would be an awful shame if that nice Mr. of Burm Revereals got damaged, wouldn't it? Oh, she was saying is that people die in June.

June is one of the months that people die in. Around, it's quite a long, it's 31 days in June. So I think it the months that people die in. It's quite a long, it's 31 days in June. So I think it's totally over at the mouth. There might be an American one. There's only 30 in June in Britain. Another top quality blooper this week came from no lesser source than Sharon Stone, who implied that the earthquake in China, which has killed tens of thousands of people, was the result of bad karma caused by the Chinese occupation of Tibet. Does display a certain misunderstanding of the nature of plate tectonics on the parts of

stone, who of course was most famous for fludging her pontulias in basic instinct? She was what? Say that, say that was again, I'm it. She fludged her pontulias. I can't be any clearer than that. You know what I'm saying. That is the most lyrical description of that craft scene I've ever heard. Stone added, I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans

because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. Confirming her reputation as the 21st centuries because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else confirming her reputation as the 21st century's Jesus Christ who peddled very much the same message that Stone is now peddling Jesus of course also is reported not to have worn knickers at his police interview in an effort to distract Ponty as pilot. I mean you're going to hell anyway Andy but I mean that certainly has sealed the deal. I think it's historically true. I will bet you five shekels that Jesus did not wear women's pants. It's fleece interview. Very well phrased. She said when she saw the images

of the earthquake in China, I thought, is this karma? And the only way she could have gotten away with that would have been if she'd immediately followed it up by saying, and then I thought, no of course it isn't. This John does provide more proof that there really should be an international convention on actors' rights, which states that actors are allowed to speak if and only if someone else has written it down for them and told them what kind of face to pull when they're saying it. and told them what kind of face to pull when they're saying it. Another blooper from Rachel Ray, the bubbly lady average cook and Duncan Donut spokesperson.

She came under fire from Conservatives who were wearing a black and white scarf in a commercial which they felt looked too much like a kefir. Not that it looks like a kefir, merely that it looks too much like a cafe. And if you aren't sure what a cafe is, conservative columnist, Michelle Malkin, puts it poisonously like this. It's the traditional scarf of Arabic men, which has come to symbolise murderous palestinity. Oh no, it isn't. Oh, she started off well there.

She was right about the traditional scarf bit. If only she'd left it there and stopped talking There seems to be a bit of a theme with people in America and talking Well, that's right. It's a problem people start well when they speak here And it's all about knowing when to slam in a full stop Rachel right or as she's known in Britain who Admitted that it was wrong to appear in a donut at advert wearing a balaclava and a bomb vest and screaming death to the West and threatening to chop the icing off a donut if America did not withdraw its troops from Iraq. So she's also admitted that some of her recipes contain coded messages with instructions for

sleeper cells to start baking scones. And also Rachel raised catchphrase, how good is that when translated into Portuguese is com o bomb eso, which sounds a bit like, come on bomb over eso. Other bloopers and Tony Blair has said that he will devote the rest of his life to uniting different religious faiths, which appears to be a tacit admission that antagonising Islam in the way that he's been so much of his time doing might have been, with hindsight, a bit of a blooper. In Israel, Ehud Almuts, he is facing more scandals than a dyslexic shushar pona opening up in the morning.

Thank you very much. And also, a famous blooper from history. One on a visit to Poland, president Jimmy Carter delivered a speech which was mis-translated. When Carter told the polls that he understood their anxiety about democracy, he translated that Carter quotes, desired them sexually. What is that true? That's true. Well, I found it on the internet, so it's true. We also have American presidents. I've pretty much all got at least one faux pas in their cupboard. Bill Clinton's famous faux pas of having his intel, schnozzle, his mabuto. 19th century presidential star Eulicee's S. Grant. He made a real blooper when he misread the signals whilst having an official dinner

with Queen Victoria and turned up at her bedroom wearing nothing but a stars and stripes thung and an uncle Sam hats with a riding crop between his teeth. Your emails now and this from Mr Richard Francis who writes, John is a miso-archist, dear buglers, as a New Zealand citizen and thus a loyal subject of her Majesty the Queen, Thuckey you, calm down John, I have to take Umbridge at the extremely disrespectful comments made by that miso-archist John Oliver in show 30. How do you respond to that accusation John? I'd like to be able to refute them, but I mean there's no doubt that I uncorked a very repressed volcano I mean, there's no doubt that I uncorked a very repressed volcano. And there was something of a verbal eruption. And I don't know where it came from, but I've been away from Britain for almost two years.

And I guess it's missing Britain in the most visceral human sense. Richard continues, yes, I've made the word miso-archist up. But Google was extremely uncooperative in finding a word that expresses my true disgust. And the good old days, comments like that would get your head lopped off. Nowadays, nothing. And they call that progress. Count yourself lucky, John. There was a time not so long ago when my head would have been on a spike on the Tower

of London, waved around by the Queen. And what a way to die. As long as it was your head on her spike and not the other way around. I think that I think I'm out. I think you're in more trouble than me now. Perfect. Perfect. Let's just include say the Queen is listening. I will gladly pop out. If the Queen's listening, you're a dead man, Andy. At least there's an ocean between me and the good lady. All she needs to do, concludes Richard, is proclaim who will read me of this turbulent podcaster, and I will be on my way.

A hotly from history nomination from Sean Finley, who said, I have to vote for General William T. Sherman as a hotly from history on his march to the south. He ordered every standing building burned. Nothing is sexier than a pyromaniac. Another hotly from history nomination came from David W. Harrington at Columbia University of all places. It's good to know that America's leading intellectual minds are now devoting their time and effort to the hotly from history scheme.

He nominates Lord Byron, and he writes, there are lots of images floating around the internet that depict the romantic poet much like a young Patrick Swaisy with a fresh face, strong chin and wind sweat mullet. However, to truly appreciate Byron's hotness, we must look beyond such words of poetic genius as child Harold Pilgrimage and Don Juan, or as you Brits hopelessly pronounce it,

Don Jewooooone! Below Byron's belt, Astute Scholars will discover a debt-ridden club-footed child-molested peder asked, given to bouts of incest with his half-sister and homosexual acts with which ever man happens to be nearby. Amazingly, Byron managed to break the hearts of women throughout Europe, spawning illegitimate children like a Mississippi bluesman, until he died of a simple cold before he could lead a fleet of Greek ships to their destruction at the hands of their Ottoman overlords.

Hearts. Well done, Georgie Byron. So do keep your emails and hotness nominations rolling into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. MUSIC the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Sport now and John, there is only one place to start in the world of sport this week. And that is England 2, USA, NIL. What a great victory for our footballers. It's good that our national sports is still our national sport and hasn't been annexed

by the Yanks and the they so it was a proud day Well, I'd imagine that America population 300 million will be eating its football shape breakfast cereals with just a hint of embarrassment after tiny little England only 175th the size of America geographically Tought you guys a footballing lesson Take that George Washington Benji Boy Franklin, Jimmy Hendrix, Mark Twain, Neil Armstrong, Top Cat, Credence Clearwater Revival, ex-Golfers muffin Spencer Devlin, your boys took one hell of a beating. That is the only time that

Top Cat has found himself with the same list as Benjamin Franklin. Also this week, the NBA Finals are kicking off. Do you kick off a game of basketball, John? No, you don't kick. No point do you kick a basketball and absolutely no point. Be so much of a better game if you could only score by kicking it in. You have to do a massive bicycle kick to slam dunk it. I'd watch that. I just don't think you watching it is going to be enough. I mean, the NBA is quite a successful franchise. Who are you going to be supporting, John?

Because it's the Lakers against the Celtics or Pistons. Is that right? As you record. Yeah, Pistones. The Pistons. What the NBA are going to want is Boston against the Lakers, Andy, that's a historic matchup. Yeah. And I think that will capture the imagination of the nation.

I don't support any of the teams still in contention, John. So I've been trying to decide who to support based on their names. So there's good reasons for British support to support the Lakers, basically, because Jim Laker, of course, was our greatest ever spin bowler, who of course, at Wicked's old traffic in 1956. So that's one good

reason for supporting the Lakers to keep his memory alive. But the Celtics, well the Celts have been a very useful addition to England over the years. Oh Scottish producer, looking slightly angrily at me through the wind over there. And And pistons, I just love pistons, John, they're really useful little fellas. I've got something in my car. I don't know what I'd do without them. So it's really half made of tubes which team to support. Come on Andy, make a choice. What's it going to be? Likes, essential car parts or scots? Car parts, I need my car. Go pistons. Is that what you shout when you start your car every day? Yeah. Go pistons. Go pistons. I also think Boston will could be improved as a game if there was a bull on the court. But I think that is true of almost all sports, apart ironically from bullfighting.

Well no, that was to happen this year and it didn't work honey. The Chicago Bulls, they're starting five, but it's just five bulls. What you have to say is they were hard to score a game because they got into foul trouble early and they weren't the best offensive outfit. It depends what you define offense as. If it is getting a basket ball into a hoop, they were awful.

If it is goring your opposition, they were outstanding outstanding but they gave up a lot of technical fails. And now in the audio cryptic crossword slots thanks for your suggestions for it should replace the audio crosswords ranging from a Sudoku. If you really want an audio Sudoku here are the numbers involved 1 2 3 4 5 6, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, blank. Cut them up. Use your own sound at editing software to create your own audio Shodoku. However, what we're going to have instead is a chance to build your own soundscape from history. A genuinely historic moment. The Bugle is now enabling you to collect the sounds of is now enabling you to collect the sounds of week by week to build up the true sound of the Boston Tea Party. This week, a box of tea falling in the sea.

Next week, we'll do some waves. Bugle forecast now and here is a weather report brought to you from NASA. The Phoenix Mars lander has just delivered its first weather report and it is clear and sunny on Mars. A clear crisp Mars day. The kind of day only that you can just sit outside, read the book and quickly as fix you. What about the life on Mars forecast, John? Do you think they're going to find any life on Mars. Yes, I think they are gonna find Jimmy Hoffa living happily on Mars. Well I pray they won't find life on Mars. Just look at the place. It clearly isn't there. You didn't need to send a f***ing spacecraft to find that one out. Well, I mean there was a very quick and ineligant dismissal of the NASA Space Program.

You got more chance of finding life in Aberdeen. Take that Aberdeen! So thanks very much for listening to this week's Beugle to keep your emails coming in to thebeugle at www.fansonline.co.uk Bye bye! Bye! I'm going to be a little bit more careful. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you