The Bugle - Smelly Death Birds - Bugle 4118

Episode Date: August 24, 2019

Andy is with Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser to discuss protests in Hong Kong, environment news and birds. Plus, sport and why victory should never be shared Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. There it is.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to the live Bugle in Edinburgh, please welcome to the Bugle here in the new town theatre in Edinburgh, this is issue 4,118 of the Bugle, the most significant creation in the history of human culture, arguably. I mean, I bet you that is an argument you would instantly lose, obviously it's test match cricket, but you know, it's just an honor to be mentioned in the conversation. We are recording on Monday the 19th of August 2019 for those of you listening at home is not being published though until Friday of this week, so frankly you know what the world will be like by the time you listen to what I mean what you you optimistic for this week. No it's very hard to know who will be Prime Minister, will the Iranian Navy have pulled

a fast one and be steaming up the Thames ready to throw fire cabab sticks into Windsor Castle? We just don't know. This is the 19th of August, some momentous, well, a one-manmentous anniversary year, on this day and the year 1960, the launch of the Corrabble Sputnik II, o'r ymdyn ymdyn ymdyn yw i'r cyflwyr yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn yw'n cyflwyr ymdyn cyflwyr ymdyn ymdyn yw'n turned to Earth the next day, and amazingly all the animals survived, both dogs, the 40 and the 42 rodents. And although on their return, Belka and Strilka were reported to find that a standard walkie was, quote, no longer quite what it used to be. And on the return of the dogs and the rodents to the Soviet basin, Kazakhstan, the Sputnik cat, Tabina Tiddlesova, was reported to have said, well, this is mixed news.

Incidentally, 40 mice, two rats and a variety of plants, is the exact current makeup of the Parliamentary Conservative Party. There we go. That's a little co-incidence, historical co-incidence. Amazing how history throws these things up. So, today is World Humanitarian Day. Yeah, you're big fans of Humanitarians. Not all of you.

So you really got to vocalize that. It's United Nations Day to recognise aid workers who risk their lives in humanitarian service. Who thinks these people are heroes? And who thinks they are traitors to our efforts to win the global race? Because we're still one of the top nations in the world and we need, I mean we need to keep these other countries down. These people are helping, no, sorry I've missed judge this game. I think they are actually quite arrogant f***ers to be honest. Oh okay. I mean look

at all the pictures they use. They have big hands compared to the rest of the world. They have serious ego situations going on. That one on the top left is, but that just looks like some kind of bizarre communal grope. I think might be a metaphor for global capitalism. So also, tomorrow, the 20th of August, is, well, it's a momentous day. It's the birthday of my wife.

It's very rude to ask her and how old she is, but you can ask me. She's 45. And also, it's World Mosquito Day. Annually observed on the 20th of August, the commemoration of the British scientist Suronald Ross discovering in the 1897 that it's female mosquitoes that transmit malaria between humans. So malaria is the world's most deadly feminist disease.

Thank you, sis, that's why it still exists. More than one million people die every year because of political correctness from malaria because it's only transmitted by the Lady Mosquito, so we can't do anything about it, can we? Not these days because us men are so terrified of being accused of not allowing the Lady Mosquitoes to live how they want to live, that we can't even ask them out on a date now, let alone eradicate a deadly disease. Is this what Emily and Pankhurst nailed herself to the cross for, really. I'll just call it as I see it. For World Mosquito, they don't forget that there's a charitable element to it, so many of

the world days have. If you paid $2 to the World Mosquito Rights Foundation, you're allowed to take a box of mosquitos to work with you and unleash them on your least favourite colleague. And also we have a free special offer for World Mosquito Day, a free mosquito for every bugler who can correctly answer this question, which current world leader thinks mosquitos are, in fact, a global Muslim conspiracy. They are little miniature flying places of worship, the mosquitos, that can inject,

that can inject Islam into the bloodstream of ordinary American people, which is why we need to stop the Honduran's moving to California. So which world leader, a multiple choice, is it A, Donald Trump? Send your answers on a postcard. As always, some sections of this podcast are going, where? I said they're going, where are they? Correct, they are going in a bin. There we go. This week we have a special section, you democracy fans. You happy with the democracy that you're getting at the moment

Give us a chair if you're you're from the United Kingdom and give us a chair if you're not This where are you from? France You live here and I mean not not for much longer. I sincerely hope We we've we voted get rid of people like this. We'd let the French in once before in 1066, and it has not gone well at all. Well, I don't know if any of you feel disenfranchised by the political process, but we're opening up to you now at the Beagle, we've stuck Exclusive Deal with the government to choose the foreign secretary.

And we're going to run this as a knockout. Current foreign secretary is Dominic Rob. Got any Dominic Rob fans in? No, because Dominic Rob is not in the building. He qualified for one of the great offices of State by virtue of being even less appropriate for his job than the alleged Prime Minister thus making Boris Johnson look slightly less of an unelected travesty than he obviously is. Previously he was Secretary of State for exiting the European Union, a job he carried out

with as you can see, incredible success given that Britain is still tearing itself apart like a hungry shark and a distracting realistic seal outfit. But, I'm glad you like that. But who or what should be foreign secretary? Should it be marble? Should it be someone else? Over the next 63 weeks on the Bugle we'll be holding a knockout competition to find out who should be foreign secretary. Pitting the candidates against each other, head-to-head in performance categories of relevance to the job of Foreign Secretary. So let's find out who's the opponent going to be for Rob. Could it be Shadow Foreign Secretary, Emily Thornberry, former World Snooker champion, Graham Dodd? A single

cauliflower? Would it be worse than Dominic Rahab, at least? At least it would look like it's got a brain. A vacuum, definite improvement, a bucket of yields, marginal. Let's find out. I'll just draw the first round opponent out of the hat. It's Dominic Rob versus Suti. The TV children show Glove puppet Suti. So category one is it going to be Suti or Rob for Foreign Sectuary. Caterpillar one, knowledge of international trade and politics.

Rob was unaware of the importance of the obviously important port Dover, Suti after his TV career, plateaued in Open University degree in maritime law, one-nil Suti. Category two concerned for the less fortunate, Dominic Rob vocally opposed to work as rights the minimum wage. And, well, fair enough, what about the rights of billionaire Ty Coons, who's looking after them, the last persecuted minority,

also opposed to the Brussels ban on forcing babies to operate heavy machinery. I mean, I made that up, but at least I'm owning my deceit, which is... Certified contrast, devoted an entire 1980s episode to an admirably even-hand of examination of the exploitation theory of Karl Marx. If you listen to it backwards. And also insisted on his less glamorous co-star sweep being given equal royalty share from the hit 1990 novel to hip-hop skiffle single, don't be a puppet, brackets, unite, defite. So, 2-0, sooty. 3, Attitude to the Health Service, Rob wants to privatise the NHS, Suti thinks we should let the poor die, it's what God intended.

We'll call that a draw, it amounts to the same thing. Judging by the American Experiment, 2.5 to 1.5, and finally Couture 4, ability to blame immigrants for stuff. Rob, as housing minister, said immigration has put house prices up by 20% rather than blaming for example the excesses of free market economics and multi-generational government failure to build enough houses or the will of almighty's use himself Suti by contrast his co-stars included a panda a parrot and a Brazilian cat Clearly way more open-minded than Dominic Rob three and a half to a half S Suti wins and will go on to play Novak Djokovic in round two. Right, that section in the win!

We're going to think of a rush. Right, it's time to meet our two guest co-hosts for today's Bugle, or register to meet our co-hosts for this bugle. Now, I'm from the Northern Hemisphere, I'm not going to lie about that. It's best to be open about these things things and what a terrific hemisphere that is. Easily one of the world's great hemispheres, but it's been going through a bit of a rocky patch of late. And I think we can acknowledge that as, I mean, it's still a great hemisphere. Any hemisphere that can produce both Michelangelo and Michel Afferton.

That's a pretty special hemisphere. But to provide some balance, both of our guests come from the other hemisphere, the wrong hemisphere, but they're here today to provide some objectivity to the news. Please, firstly, welcome, well, they're both huge, beautiful favourites. Firstly, the wonderful Alice Fraser! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

Andy, hello, Buglas! And happy world mosquito day. Interesting fact, mosquitoes are actually very closely related to the vampire. So although vampires are more into asking for consent, it is an interesting thing. You don't know, but you don't see it in movies. They actually make the exact same annoying noise. So they're much less glamorous than you've imagined them to be.

But mosquitoes are a great, these little dignified itch bugs. They are much like men on a night out, and that you can never be sure if they're just going to try and penetrate you in a way that's annoying or in a way that will lead to your literal death. Fair point. Also joining us today, also from Australia, please give Gloves, hello, Andy, hello, Alice. Lovely to be here in the correct hemisphere. Thank you very much.

No f***ing respect. I was in London before this in Nuba, at the driver said, where are you from? I said, I'm from Australia. I said, oh, yeah, where's that? What? South, mate. It's South from here. Never had to oh yeah, where's that? What? Southmate, it's South from here. Never had to give directions to Australia before.

Still a loaf of bread and turn left mate, you'll find it. He said, where's Australia? He said, it's near New Zealand. And he said, oh yeah. What? You know Garfunkel, but you don't know Simon? Come on. Anyway, nice to be here.

Right, so who are we? I think we're ready for our top story this week. Well, terrific match-up at the moment between the Chinese president. Very much like a mafia crime boss against a former British colony. Very much looking at a Don Chi Kong confrontation. Alright, good night everybody, I'm done. It's all happening in Hong Kong and by all I mean a quarter of the population marching peacefully in protest and that being described as borderline terrorism.

Alice, you're our Hong Kong correspondent. Yes, I am. Apparently satellite photos of a sports stadium in the city of Xinjiang show what appear to be armoured personnel carriers and other vehicles belonging to China's paramilitary people's armed police parked inside. The photos raise some questions like,

don't you have better ways to watch football than by perving on it via satellite? And why the flipping nut balls is a football stadium full of military vehicles? Some people are thinking it's because Shen Zhen-bord is Hong Kong and it indicates a threat from Beijing of more extreme action against pro-democracy protesters, which seems like a pretty obvious and frankly boring thing to think. I refuse to accept that conclusion Andy, I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm thinking tank ball. See this Andy, this is why I hate sport, okay? If you're on the side of sport, you're on the side of totalitarian regimes, and you're

also quite boring to talk to at parties, alright? Yes. They said this is all part of a pre-organized exercise, which I just don't think sounds like a very legitimate excuse. They're like, no, we're gonna put the tanks there anyway. And that's not actually a picture of a Hong Kong protestor with an umbrella. That's us preparing for a Mary Poppins-style invasion from the future. I mean, what is the mission to achieve excellence in sport other than a long-term eugenics program, really?

I'm just saying, they always conveniently run out of condoms in the Olympic Village. Well, I mean, the way I see that, you know, the tank, I mean, clearly people say sport and politics shouldn't mix. I mean, I'll go further than that, even, and say that sport and military repression is a real no-no for me. But I know as the old song goes, sport and political propaganda go together like a horse and jet engine. It gets messy and there's only one winner. But I think, can we see that picture again Chris? Of the stadium made. I mean could that not just be a FIFA experiment, to find a new way of dissuading footballers

from faking injury, if rather than getting the physio and the magic sponge, they're getting the Chinese military? So yeah, I'll quickly get that. Look, that tanks offside. Tank, bull. Tank, bull. Clearly, the situation in Hong Kong is, what's quite complicated, that is, self and the case in places that were formally run by Britain.

And it's not entirely our fault, Hong Kong was loosely incorporated in the, in the, in the, in the Chind dynasty back in 220 odd BC, which coincidentally is the last time that Britain was truly British, hashtag Romans out. And We picked it up as long as so many other little trinkets in the 19th century and took it out on a lease for 99 years, which ran out in 1997. And it turns out that the Chinese government, surprising, has not been quite as committed to the idea of maintaining Hong Kong's democratic freedom as might have been ideal. I don't know. There were no real warnings for that. Were there in the years before 1997 in China?

There's a famous joke, Chinese joke. Here is. Did you hear the one about the dissident poet who was arrested by the Chinese police? No. There you go, brother. That's the first joke ever recorded on the bugle. How about that? That's huge. I like to think of the British colonial experimenters. You know that person who keeps having terrible table relationships and all of the breakups go badly and after a while you're like, maybe it's you. It's pretty busy. Like at 1.7 million people turned out, it was torrential rain. Like they turned out there,

it was the threat of like, you know, military oppression. 1.7 million people. But I still can't get 100 people to come to my Edinburgh show in a light drizzle. You f**king fascists. 9 PM monkey barrel. Do you think the people of Hong Kong are aware of how democracies turned out around the

rest of the world? Well, it does appear not because this is one of the big demands, obviously they wanted to, they were withdrawal of the extradition bill, which can dispense people accused of crimes in Hong Kong into the welcoming, loving bosom of the Chinese justice system. They've also demanded universal suffrage and that doesn't work. Ilych chi'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud i'n ei wneud a terrorism. So what we're going to try and do now is help you to spot whether or not something is terrorism. We'll do this by vote. Would you say this is terrorism? Let's have a picture. 1.7 million people peacefully marching. Is that terrorism or is interning one million people in reeducation camps more terrorism than that? That is the correct response. And let's, is this terrorism demanding proper self-governance

and doing so by stopping some airplanes taking off from an airport, or is terrorism occupying a country for more than 60 years and repressing all political opposition through a hard-line military rule? Boom, is this art? In America, is this terrorism? Trump says the anti-fascist protesters are terrorists. He said,

''Major consideration has been given to naming anti-fart an organization of terror, so is that terrorism?'' which is essentially shouting at fascists, or is a more terrorism, is being a fascist. It's a tough call. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Andy, can't we all be terrorists? You know, the only way to fight a bad terrorist in a mask is a good terrorist in the mask

And the important thing is to make sure your violence is the good kind of violence not the bad kind of violence And the only way to determine that you're not actually just punching a doctor in a surgical mask is to do it and see if they treat their own wounds in a competent manner Terrorists don't kill people terrorists kill people I've actually got the definitive list of what isn't terrorism here. If you'd like to hear it any other way. Heckling at my comedy show, that's terrorism. Me yelling in my audience because they're not laughing enough, not terrorism. Very interesting. Andy doing a pun run, terrorism.

Blocking me on Grindr? That's terrorism. Freestyle reviews. That's f**king terrorism. Saying f**king you Chris, that is not terrorism. A combination prices in Edinburgh during the French festival. Oh, you better believe that's terrorism! 1200 pound a sleep on a mattress, thinneted an Instagram model. That is my 9-11 Andy.

I'm done. That's it, that's all the list. What about occasional scuffles with far-right groups intent on destroying the fabric of society? Well, according to Donald Trump, terrorism, sculpturing innocent people in the cause of white supremacy, not terrorism. So there's disagreements around the world. Stephen Frey calling his show the same as my show

and being much more famous than me. Definitely terrorism. Let's just f*** it. Well, that's because they edit out the 24-hour news channel. Each day takes them a week to record. They just guess the news that's going to be a week from now. Actually, that's a lot easier than it used to be. Some f***ing nonsense next. Here's the weather. Well, since we're in Edinburgh, and that's talked about the accommodation prices,

Vultures news seems an appropriate section. Yes, indeed, Andy Smelly, deathbirds coming for the rich news now, a relentless swarm of black vultures that apparently smell like, quote, a thousand rotting corpses has forced at least one family out of their home in luxurious West Palm Beach, Florida. Apparently, locals have implemented a number of methods to discourage the building avian corpse enthusiasts, including deploying fake owls, helium balloons and loud music. I mean, to be fair, that sounds like exactly the kind of fake owl balloon party

I'd want to be at if I were a stinking gangly carrion bird with a party attitude and a taste for necrosis. If? Local spoil sport, Cheryl Katz, has called the presence of the black vouchers in her poolhouse, bloody, vile, vicious, and traumatising, which is pretty strong language for someone whose name makes her sound like a bit part of an episode of Seinfeld. Shell Katz is definitely walking in with some sort of mild but incredibly infuriating personal habit that Seinfeld and his wacky mates will blow all out of proportion in order

to resolutely keep their eyes away from the gaping void in social utility they have made of their lives. Homeowners in West Palm Beach are blaming the sudden bird surge or a vultural appropriation, if you will. No! No! Don't encourage them! That's terrorism! No! I think we all need to just take 10 seconds to just think about how glorious that job is. LAUGHTER

Oh yeah. LAUGHTER They're blaming it on an anonymous neighbor who they say is feeding the vultures, leaving them bags of dog food and even roast chicken. The friendly woman has been warned, but neighborhood association president Gordon Holmes, nominative determinism if I've ever heard it, said their options are limited because black vultures are protected

by federal law, which is fair. What has a vulture ever done to you other than being a constantly circling reminder of your own imminent death and smelling like a pile of corpses are shout out another pile of corpses. Which it can't help, it loves eating corpses. What else do you want them to do with a corpse? And not eat it? It's kind of the raison d'etre, which they pronounce raisin d'etre, but when they say raisin,

they mean your shriveled corpse balls. But who else is going to enjoy your shriveled corpse balls, make, give them a fucking break. Have you written jokes about any other news story? She'll, Cat said the anonymous neighbor wouldn't answer her calls or emails and she ended up putting four fake owls with moving heads and blinking lights outside, but the vultures just pecked and chewed the owls up. They ripped the heads off, Cat said, before going on one date with George Costanza and deciding

he's too hairy to date. They smell like a thousand rotten corpses, which is equivalent of about one straight performer if you're wondering. Oh, edgy joke at the fringe. My cousin's out there on the wrong aisle. But as you said, some people have to leave their houses because of this, which is like just heartbreaking. I think, imagine being targeted and victimized by evil predatory vultures and it gets so bad you

actually lose your house and the vultures in question are never properly punished because they're protected by law and because of the vultures actions your government introduces brutal austerity which cripples the country and the working classes all the while the vultures keep giving each other massive bonuses and start preparing the next attack on people houses. that would suck I think them oh Sorry, there wasn't a pun in there everyone Might have been a subtext don't know what we read

Let's move on to environment news now and you environment fans. Some of you? That was only about 20% of you. The rest of you haven't anything. No, no. The environment hates our way of life and that's the biggest threat we have. Maybe the environment has had... It's just so dramatic. The moment you set up a cold-powered power plant, they were like, oh no, no more polo bands.

Dramatic. A sad death in the environment this week. The op-jockel glacier in Iceland sadly passed away. Yep, it melted like the hopes of an Edinburgh comedian with three reviewers, two parents and a dog in the audience That brings back some memories The glass year sadly died of excessive melting Aggravated by carbon addiction not its own carbon addiction obviously, but it's definitely a factor the It's the first Icelandic glacier to lose its status as a glass. They put up a special commemorative plaque Mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio.

Mae'n ei gweithio, mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. Mae'n ei gweithio. When did you last actually use one? I would ask you. I mean, really, not just look at it and say, isn't that lovely. I mean, actually do something useful with it, like,

I don't know, ward off a bear or shift some rocks off a mountain. They are basically just inefficient rivers of ice for me. Rivers of water way better. I mean, what you can get from a river of ice, frozen fish fingers, but not much else. LAUGHTER There was a dedication on this. Have you got a picture of the little plaque they put up?

Okay, we'll just imagine. Got the fucking glaci out of it. Sorry. I'm sure that didn't Michael Cain say that in a film or something. Episode 4,000 of the bugle intentions arising. It gave the date of the ceremony and also the concentration of carbon dioxide globally in the air, which is 415 parts per million, that is 0.04% of our atmosphere now is carbon dioxide and I think we're getting way overstressed about this I mean, that isn't that much, is it?

I mean, it's very hard to actually find a bit of carbon dioxide in the air, despite the scientists telling us there's way too much of it. And we need to look at it in context as well. 0.0% on Earth. Venus, 96.5%. Yeah, we're the ones with a f***ing problem. But you can't criticize Venus, can you? And why not? Because Venus is a lady planet.

No! God! I can't say anything. Ever since you became an MRA, this show is really... I was very sad about the class here. It's not worth Pyl Andy. No, it is really interesting because people are saying that the melting of this glass here is an indication of rising problems and things like rising temperature in the world, and they put up this plaque to indicate.

But it's basically, I don't think we have a problem until the plaque melts. Then we might want to change. 700 years old, and just one day away from it, we're time. So, tragic. Apparently homeless seals are now migrating in droves or whatever the collective noun for seals is and there's been a subsequent Rai, the rise in ethno-state nationalist populism in the neighboring penguin and polar bear community Wow Oh God

Dance as old as time itself In other environment news What can you say at dance as old as time? Do you mean that time is a dance? Like a tick. Very visual for a... I take it back. That is as close as I ever get to dancing. Just slowly aging.

But gracefully. What do you mean slowly? I just go round in a circle in 60 small Installments surely someone with a forehead that's moving at your pace should have more sympathy with the glacier Yeah, but the glacier is shrinking In other environment news Tom you've been been keeping on the entire Pacific Ocean forest. Yes, yes, Southern Hemisphere everything's going very well. Critical talks of the Pacific Islands Forum in Tuvalu almost collapsed over Australia's

positions on climate change and coal. Just reminding you, our position on climate change is no. And our position on coal is reverse cowgirl. We love it. Family show. Yes. In response to these collapsing talks, Australia's deputy prime minister, who is, say it with me everyone.

He made some interesting comments. He was in Australia and he said, I get a little bit annoyed when we have people in those sorts of countries pointing the finger at Australia and say we should be shutting down all our resources sector so that, you know, they will continue to survive. The f***ing nerve! The nerve of these savages! Telling us to stop being one of the biggest polluters in the world so that I have to start developing gills selfish much His name is Mark and we'll call back he went on they will continue to survive there's no question They'll continue to survive they'll continue to survive because many of their workers come here and pick our fruit And that's a little thing I like to call Australian diplomacy here

Some countries use softer diplomacy. Some countries use hard diplomacy. We're a bunch of ****. Pick our fruit, Eddie. They'll survive because they'll be able to pick our fruit. And it says, good Australian fruit as well. He said, pick our fruit, pick our fruit, grown with hard Australian enterprise and endeavor.

Not quite hard enough enterprise and endeavor to actually pick the fruit themselves without resorting to cheap foreign labor, but hard, not quite hard enough, Enterprise and In Deva to actually pick the fruit themselves without resorting to cheap foreign labor, but hard, grown with hard Australian, I mean, how do you grow fruit? Does fruit not just grow? Don't tell them they stand there slinging it like, pick it as a work.

Yeah, you might just let it grow in this fucking country, mate. This fucking soft coque nation, not in Australia, mate. We yell at it, and we throw footies at fruit and we pump it with beer and we stop all the gay fruit, no pineapples. He also went on to say, what we won't do is we won't listen to the Bob Browns of the world and say we should be shutting down our resorted sector. Now Bob Brown is an environmentalist but it did sound like he was just using that as a collective term for...

Anyway, let's not... LAUGHTER Um, he also said that the fact that we're not going to be hijacked into doing something that was shut down in industry that provides tens of thousands of jobs and two thirds of our energy needs. So, basically, the messages don't let the fossils have died in vain. o'r energio i'r iedig. Mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r iedig, mae'r ied one of the largest and sunniest countries with the summer sort of very broad, empty, windy planes, with the, and they're sort of a surrounding, good by sea situ, nah. Nah, all right, okay, that's good. It's coal or nothing, Andy.

Coal and hypocrisy, that's basically it. So I've just got to do a quick commercial announcement. Tonight's Bugle Live Show is brought to you in association with Ethie Snooze mattresses. Do you like listening to podcasts? Then history suggests you'd probably like sleeping on a mattress as well. All podcasts listen as do.

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That's a whole hour of shadow there. Right, now, what's Chris? Do you have any idea what's next in the running order? Of completely looking. Things that you haven't done involve another species of birds. They involve, I've got a picture of some animals s***ing, but I don't know what that story is. That's just your personal.

There's the Lycan story. No. There's... Oh, sport. Let's do sport. OK. Sports, Alice, you are the bugle sport correspondent. Tankball. No.

Britain's Jess Lermance and Georgia Taylor Brown were disqualified from the World Triathlon Olympic Qualification event in Tokyo after they crossed the finish line hand in hand. And what has become of sport Andy? Surely, like the Edinburgh French Festival, it's about ruthlessly tearing each other down in order to win at all costs. It's about being a sociopath in Lycra, fighting for a million dollars in sponsorship and a job in commentary for the next Olympics.

It's not about building character and supporting one another through the grueling process of elite athleticism. Bloody hell, they can cycle swim and ride, but can't those f**ks read the rules? There is an eye in triathlete, you teamwork f**k knuckles. It's worse, because they're female athletes, ignoring rule one of being a woman, which is I can't win if you're not losing. Surely you've got some thoughts about these women here, Andy? Well, I mean, so be honest, I'm still recovering from the cricket world cup final, which by rights should have ended like this.

We do a quick Q&A. Yep. Right, we're going to do a Q&A or an A&Q. Do you have any questions for the audience? Who's coming to see my show? Who's got a question for the panel today? We'll answer them as seriously and factually as humanly possible. What? Does one down the front here, Chris? Excuse me.

Oh, we have a question. Excuse me. Excuse me. This is an incredible feat, but we had a new hip. A month ago. Excuse me. Excuse me, it's not great. The tradition of the bugle audience in making Chris go as far as possible. How about you change my mind? A one man metaphor for Brexit Britain, thought he had something to say and then

backed out of it and is haunted by regret. Next question. Alice, why exactly do you hate flamingos so much? Can you agree with me, you as well, Tom, that koala s***ing suck? Oh! Oh, which koala gave you plumediate that made you? So... What a game show that would be.

Ha ha ha ha. That's your next show for ABC, isn't it? This week, Bleeky Bill. Any funny stories from the Fringe this year? No, it's a final two. What about up the fringe? I saw a man arguing with a bin. I thought, oh, a classic Edinburgh.

And then I came close to realize there was a busker in the bin and this man had put a burrito in on top of him. I was like, double classic Edinburgh. Five stars are haunting evocation of modern Britain. I've had some good audience interactions. You know, you're out there trying to get a vibe in the room, start of the show, get a bit of energy out there, yeah, that's somewhat what they do for living. Hey man, what do you do for living? I'm a holocaust educator. Oh yeah!

Tuff crowd! What's your favourite? No. And I have a bucket, if anyone does come to my show, please bring currency for the country that we're currently in. I'd appreciate that. Had quite a few derma from the UAE

dropped into my bucket, which it's always about it's sold to get a currency from a country that'll probably kill you if you go there. So an abomination in the eyes of God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh, Chris, I think we're out of time, aren't we? We are. Because you were trying to encourage me to do some puns three minutes ago. I mean, encouraging is not the word I would have used. Well, I was going to do some puns about, because I was invited to review some jams, some preserves for a local Edinburgh. But I thought, no, I can't, it could go very badly and I can't pick all of them.

So, that was the first one, I don't know if we missed it, there was one there. Yeah, that was one, I just absolutely delivered it terribly. But I was invited to do this, to see Musical Act, former Labour Home Secretary Jack and TV historian Mary riffing out some sweet improvised blues. It was a straw-berry jam. Kiboum, I've got an OBE for services to the fruit-based spread industry. He explains the Queen, how best to watch cookery shows and how best to use oranges on a high-tech new television. One of those was honest with the organic light-emitting

diode technology, and the Queen said, is there an acronym for that? And he said, yes, Mom, Oled. LAUGHTER I mean, that was a marathon. Yeah. It's that complement or an insult. Right, I think let's do this memory test the other day. I had to remember a vehicle and what colour it was and in which prison it was from a selection of jails on this sheet.

And turn it, it was the red car in J. Lee. Red car in J. Lee. And my granddad, he played tennis with Elvis Preserva. Elvis was like no-vac jock of it. He used to bounce the ball, like loads about 30 times of worry served in. He got very impatient and said, go on, Preserv. Preserv, Preserv.

Right, that's it. What? You are... What? He asked for it. No f**king way, Midden. You approach puns in the same way as like a medieval pubic hair tapestry maker in that it's needlessly elaborate and nobody's comfortable with it.

Right, enough about our sexual techniques. Now, actually, a friend of mine got sexually transmitted diseases, his plonker became all rough, like a scouring pad, because he used it for washing up, he called it as a member brillo. A member brillo? No. You're right. You're right.

I'm shutting that down. Thank you very much for coming. That is the end of the... We have six mugs left from the stash of mugs that Chris brought here. Six. So, if you want to buy a mug, you have to be fast. Tank ball, tank ball. Yeah, have a game of tank ball.

We'll be outside the front after the gig. Thank you very much. Come in, give it up for Alice Fraser. Tom Ballard, Abian Andy Zoltron. Good night. APPLAUSE Thank you to everyone who came to the live bugle shows in Edinburgh and indeed satirist for higher and political animal as well. We will play you out this week with some more lies about our voluntary subscribers. To join them go to the buglepodcast.com and click

the donate button and you can choose one of the various pre-programmed schemes or just make up your own donation whether it's recurring or simply a one off. And here now are some lies. Chris, music please. Albert Farkas, wonders whether humans would be more efficient as a species if they had one lobster claw and one human arm instead of two of the latter. Similarly, Toby Yang thinks lobsters could do at least one set of functioning fingers. It doesn't really mind where on the lobster they grow. Richard Haynes is wrongly convinced that the words potato and tomato were both Latin verbs,

meaning I am starchy and I am juicy respectively, whilst Lawrence Agleton has never understood why they don't grow potatoes in super-heated soil, so they come out of the ground pre-baked and ready for buttering. Matt Lewis has done some research and concludes that former Olympic swimming champion Mark Spitz probably shares at least 8% of his DNA with a nuclear submarine. Adam Sherrett once met the celebrity chef, Scruton Malvein in a public library, before Malvein was ejected and then arrested

for quite literally cooking the books. Anonymous donor, DA, thinks the motorcycle pyramid is the future of commuting. It's efficient, it's environmentally friendly, if you use an E-motorbike, and above all, it's fun. Test test likes that idea and would further more install zip-wise between the upper floors of tower blocks in all CBDs around the world. Rachel Slater wonders whether Britain should update the monarchy by choosing randomly selected families to be Queen and Orking, princes,

princesses and sundry minor royals on a rotating five-year term. Nick Hills have developed this idea still further and suggests that families should be able to make pitches in televised hustings for what they would do as the royal family. But Sam Wilkinson reckons Britain might as well just auction it off to the highest bidder, like every other public utility in the country. Ruth Berger, misunderstanding this proposal, has started crowdfunding to buy the queen. So far she's ruttled up £768 million of her target total of an impossible-refused £2.3 billion Trans-Furphy.

Here endeth the lies.