The Bugle - Smurfs, Kashmir and other August classics

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

Andy introduces some classic Bugle moments from the month of August. It turns out that Vladimir Putin has quite the history, plus, Smurfs, Nude With Nish, and Austerity!Please do come and see The Bugle live this autumn - with new dates set to be added! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello viewers and welcome to Beagle Issue 4237 schools out for summer brackets, Northern Hennensphere only and Beagle is also out for summer sub-episode C. This is the third of our summer hiatus, those podcast feeds aren't going to feed themselves bonus extra sub-episodes. Not long now until we return at the end of the month for a world exclusive coverage of the latest death rattle of hope in the choking more of the United King's sorry for the coverage of the exciting appointment of a marginally less dreadful Prime Minister for this democracy loving country selected by the least representative electorate that money can possibly buy. Out of next week's best of the bin and do tweet as your request for that, here is a bugle

best of August. August is traditionally the month where we take a few weeks off because it's holiday time or it's a bit hot, or both. Exhibit one. Now. But we've still churned out, enough purest comedic gold to present these highlights of the world's eighthiest month. After you've listened, do go online and buy tickets to the Bugle Live 15th anniversary shows coming to a city near you soon, if you live near Birmingham Glasgow, Dublin or London. And if you consider October stroke early November near you soon, if you live near Birmingham Glasgow, Dublin or London, and if you consider October Strait early November to be soon. There are also satris for high shows, I'm doing in November. Come to them too, it leads past Brighton, Tumberg's Wells Cardiff and Worcester 13th to the

18th of November, and do submit your request to satirize this at satrisforhard.com, details at my website and exoltsman.co.uk. Right, here is your sub-episode for this week. Music Top story this week, Cold War 2! This time, it's chilly! The US and Russia are fighting again, Andy, and it's great to see such a classic international rivalry at each other's throat once more. It's what scuffle fans around the world have been

waiting for. This is the Yankees Red Sox, marquee match of passive aggression. It's the Ross and Rachel relationship of will they won't they destroy each other and the entire planet with their Electrofying chemistry this this latest psychological snafu has of course been brewing up since Edward Snowden the official so leaks a lot moved into the Moscow airport terminal checking in with a large amount of diplomatic baggage Russia has apparently given him temporary papers, meaning that he can leave the airport, which I'm sure he'll be free to go wherever he likes, Andy, and that Putin in no way will be watching every time

he's so much as thinks about blinking. LAUGHTER Well, as he said, my so-called relief, the Cold War is back on after Barack Obama threw his diplomatic toys out of the presidential pram about snow. And they are once again at each other's throats like two top surgeons in a one-on-one emergency track, a autonomy competition.

And this has been a kind of result of some kind of growing tension at the recent G8 summits. A Brahman Putin seemed to get on like a house after a fire. Smoldering without nearly as much warmth as they used to be and the summit to build on with everyone having to tread extremely carefully around it. Well, that kept working that analogy, I'm not that, I like that analogy at the start of it because it was stupid. Then it seemed to work. It was stupid. Then it seemed to work. That's by chance you've been the story of our career. That's a story of your career anyway. I'm still on phase 8. All this has led to the US government cancelling. It's forthcoming

meeting between President Obama and Putin in St. Petersburg. And there's only one problem with that, and that is the fact that the president is going to be in St. Petersburg at that time anyway for the G20 summit. That is going to be awkward. Obama may have found the only way to make their next meeting even more tense than the last one. How is he possibly going to negotiate that emotional minefield? Oh Oh I'm sorry that you could not make our schedule the meeting tomorrow

on me still all by on my. Yeah sorry about that. It's just I'm busy doing something else in St. Petersburg. Oh yeah it's always been a dream of mine to visit the Peter Hough Fountains. You know me, always been a fan of high velocity projected water. Love it. Can't miss it. The last time an American president quit a summit with the Russians, of course, is when Ronald Reagan got pitched off with Michael Gorbachev for allowing so-guy Bubka into some arms talks in 1986

and Reagan stormed out with the words, I cannot concentrate with the guy pole vaulting over my head. I don't care how fucking good he is. But the White House said about the postponement of the summit. We believe it would be more constructive to postpone the summit until we have more results from our shared agenda. To which the translation into plain English is, go f*** yourselves commas.

And when it's become more constructive to do nothing and publicly create a diplomatic incident, you know that there is about as much construction going on as there is on a Greek government building site. So let's take that to the Greeks. Take that. Plus is in minuses to this. On the plus side, it frees up Barack Obama September

And you know it's a great time of year to clean up a shed And lastly, of course, he was busy with the election. So that's that's probably good news On the minus side Shavs the world closer to a full resumption of Cold War frostilities On the on the plus sides gives both countries more time to see other nations maybe America can patch things up with Venezuela and Russia can hammer out some kind of more progressive deal with Syria. On the minus side, the ever present threat of nuclear annihilation is back. On the plus side, the ever present threat of nuclear annihilation definitely helps the

movie industry. And on the minus side, most importantly, a real dampener on this week's World Athletics Championships. Oh, it's just such a shame, John, that so many of those athletes are going to be preoccupied by international political tension. Just think it could probably knock a tenth of a second off some of their times. But while Putin, Johnny, seems to be loving it, he loves these kind of retro style Cold War spats.

He's always given the impression, John, of a leader who slightly regrets that he wasn't born 70 odd years earlier and with a massive unshavable moustache already on his face. He's always slightly hinted that he kind of wished he had slightly more control of who goes where on what railways. How cold the destination should be and how long they have to wait to get a return ticket. And I imagine John looking at him and he's kind of cold-woth fetishism. When he was having breakfast as a child, he put half a tomato on his plate

and waggles his finger above it. And so he to his mother, I'm nodul for a dubres, this boom. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!OOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!OOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! B!OOM! B!OOM! B!OOM! B! B!OOM! B!OOM! B!OOM! B! B!OOM! B!OOM! B! B! B!OOM! B!OOM! B! B!OOM! B! B! B! B Job story this week, Britain tightens its belt and it immediately considers buying bigger trousers. Andy, Britain has finally had to accept that it has to do something about the size of his budget deficit. Why?

Because Britain's budget deficit is fat, Andy. It's not just that the current economy makes it look fat, it is fat. Fat with a pH and with three capital Fs. It's f***ing fat. How fat exactly? Try 149 billion pounds fat. That is undeniably overweight. In fact, it's morbidly, economically obese. So much so that Britain is about to go on a fiscal diet. Reducing a deficit is very much like losing weight. You don't want to do it too quickly, or you'll just pile it all straight back on,

but you have to be committed to it and not go secretly binging on defense spending in the middle of the night when you think no one's looking. And you can't cheat either. And go stand next to Greece's deficit just to make yours feel thinner. Yeah, we are tightening our belts, John, and we are tightening them belts, John, and we are tightening the

more and the neck of public spending, whilst kicking the chair of social justice from under the Thits twitching feet. So, we all need a little bit of austerity now, then I've not had a lot in my life, if you want to stir the clutches I've come to austerity, was when I was only allowed one on band on a sponsored swim as a kid. One width, turned into a 28 hour marathon as I swam round and round in circles. But to be fair, over the years John's excessive governments, we've not really faced up to the truth of our public spending. Successive governments have spoon-fed us so much sugar to make the economy go

down that Britain has now developed weapons-grade diabetes. But I've been in my bit here in Edinburgh John, I've actually cut 25% which is what the government's going to cut 25% off public spending. I've cut 25% of the best jokes of my show out. That's very, very good. Yeah, well the show is nowhere near as fun as it should be, but that is for valid satirical reason. But it is going to be a painful diet this, and just like any diet, it's not going to

be any fun for Britain at all. People need to be convinced also that this is actually going to work and that the country is one day going to be standing triumphantly on a billboard somewhere, proudly holding out our fat pants from our waist, showing just how much budget deficit we've lost, and doing long testimonials at the word economic forum about how we feel centuries younger now, and that any country can do it if you're just believing

yourselves. But how are people reacting to the first round of cuts there, Andy? Well, with, I think, justified terror generally, John, but I think the government's plan is to cut absolutely everything. Right. On the grounds that we don't really need anything these days from the country. Right. We don't need schools. You know, in the age of wiki pedia. Just take schools are obsolete. Take Britain off the grid. We don't need the health service.

John, there are too many people in the world as it is. And, you know, I think in many ways, you know, we don't need pensions. We need to be disincentivising longevity, not financially rewarding it. Government also closing down or stopping a lot of playground building schemes and this is part of a scaling back of all playtime for children and there

will be jail terms for kids court playing hopscotch. Listen, they've got a contribute to Andy, it's their future, not ours. Everyone knew this was coming, these cutbacks, but it definitely doesn't make them any easier to stomach. Just last month, the British government abolished the UK Film Council, the health protection agency and dozens of other groups that regulate, advise and distribute money in the arts, healthcare, industry and other areas. The aim is that by shrinking down to its bare bones, the government can cut expenditures by $130 billion over the next five years.

It is said to be the longest, deepest, sustained period of cuts to public services spending since World War II. And at least then Andy, when you were funding the mother of all fireworks displays, we were getting some pretty loud bangs for our devalued bucks back then. People in England are already seriously fleeing the pinch, but the truth is that this is just fiscal foreplay, getting everyone ready for the real budget banging that's going to be taking place in October. Because when the government issues its next long-term budget, analysts have estimated that around 600,000 public sector jobs could be lost nationwide. That is terrible.

We may be looking at the future of huge public sector strikes, even the chief executive of the UK Supreme Court said she did not know whether it will be able to function at all if its budget were cut by the proposed 40%. So we may have no Supreme Court, which might work out well, because as you mentioned, it'll mean there's no court to deal with enumerous lawsuits that are going to come from the fact that thousands of plan playground upgrades in England are being immediately frozen I mean that little Timmy is going to get halfway down the slide before plummeting headfirst into the ground Well, I mean, yeah, it's it's quite a major thing the cutbacks that affecting the

The already beleaguered criminal justice system. And I guess it's all part of an efficiency drive because law courts are pretty inefficient and surely it's time now for us to embrace either mob justice which is pretty efficient but often wrong or trial by media which is even more efficient and usually wrong. So I think you can pretty much get the results by the time the newspapers come out the following day. And why would three tabloid newspaper editors know any less about justice than 12 randomly selected

members of the public? Exactly. You know, these are all perfectly legitimate cutbacks. Also, I believe the government are long term looking to phase out women and old people and children. And I guess that's what you can expect from a largely male cabinet. That's just the way it goes. A lot of people pretty queasy about George, the human chainsaw, osseborns, gross out, slasher budget. That's either going to save Britain from becoming Albania or make it to become Albania, depending

on your view of these things. They did actually warn us of this, John. They said, I think we talked about this on the Google before, they had an advert just before the election, warning, or we're not warning, basically lying and trying to terrify people at what would happen if there was a hung parliament after the election. And one of the things they said was that

a hung parliament would bring the British economy to its knees and looking at this cuts program, at last, we have some politicians who are trying to make good on their pre-elected process. Let's come from select on. That's all I say. It does seem that the government are now only one step away from insisting that 75% of the British population go into hibernation and don't come out again until the spring of 2015. Also the problem is of course Britain still has the host in the Olympics in two years and perhaps it's time that someone suggests a full austerity Olympics. The athletes village will be replaced by an athlete's campsite and all the swimming events can take place in the river

and finally instead of gold silver and bronze, the metals will be copper, tin and cardboard. Still Andy, this is Britain. Let's remember that. There is nothing that the Brits cannot handle stoically. We invented the stiff upper lip. We survived the blitz with the rallying cry of keep calm and carry on. In other words, just ignore the Gestapo, they're merely showing off. There is nothing that could break our resolve and make us lose our collective cool. Apart from Prime Minister David Cameron cracking down on low-cost alcohol and supermarkets. Unfortunately, that is exactly what he's doing. And I fear that he could end up in Trafalgar Square next week with his head on a spike. I'm not even saying that he's wrong.

Something clearly has to be done about Britain's attitude towards alcohol and David Cameron wants to stop people as he puts it, preloading and getting off their heads on cheap, shop-bought alcohol, going on to say that action is needed to stop Britain's town and city centers resembling the Wild West. Difference me, of course, that the Wild West

is looked back upon with a romantic tinged, whereas Britain's town centres on weekends cannot conjure up any image other than just people vomiting into bins. Of course, all that behaviour that Cameron has just described. If you put it in black tie at a bow tie, it becomes the Bullington Club, which of course, why was it an Oxford? Yeah, you should've got four equals in the oxen. BELL RINGS

Please get up for niche Kumar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, what the f*** is that? But I mean, what? So, we just got it out of the BBC archive. I'll be honest with you, it's not as inaccurate as I would hope. What I will say is that that body, so for people who's listening at home, Chris is photoshopped a picture of my face on the naked body of a gentleman who shares a skin tone with me and whose hands are tastefully covering his penis and testicles. However, what I will say is that man is hairless.

And if I was sat in that exact pose for a photo, it would look like I was wearing a sweater all over my body. That's noted for next time. Chris made that on the train. And he said, you know, it's weird. You get a lot of strange things when you Google naked Indian man. And... All I will say to that Chris is, I really feel like you should have seen that coming.

Also, are you now banned from the train from London to Edinburgh? So, give us a cheer if you want to hear Brexit first. If you'd rather catch me a crisis first. Let's hear about something fun like Kashmir. Aditi, I mean it's an awkward subject for a British person to talk just because yesterday was the anniversary of India gaining independence. 73 years of independence from you guys. You're welcome. It's so great for all children have to fly the nest at some point.

I would like to say that from my perspective, this is like when England plays India with cricket, win-win. Chill, chill, chill, net, root, net, root. There's your safe words. And I told you to keep that secret. So when the British left India they treated India kind of like a Sunday roast. They were just like cut it in any way possible. And then what did the juices leak out. And now the gravy has come home. Right? Now the gravy has come home. Right now the gravy has come home and when Kashmir joined India it was given special status which was article 317 in the constitution which made it have

its own constitution and its own flag and everything and then last week we sneaky bastards, we are now living in what is a fascist democratic... Yeah, we know that. ...dictatorship. So he is sort of a Prime Minister in the Rehndra Modi, who is kind of known as the strong man of India. He has been sort of building himself in the most Putin-esque image, not the sauce, but Putin. And so he used Article 370 to abrogate Article 370, which was kind of like just paying your

mom money to like put you in jail. And so that's what happened. And there's been a complete communications blackout for the past 10 days. But they're still trending more than with Kashmir for some reason. I don't know how. If nobody in Kashmir is on the internet, I don't know what they're tweeting in support of.

And I think the communications blackout to sort of prevent any kind of unrest, but I think they discounted taking away Twitter from the average millennial. And so there have been protests across the state, and over 1000 people have sort of been taken police action against in the past 10 days. So in summary, exactly how close are we to a massive catastrophic global conflagration? So, you know, isn't it wonderful that it is also one of the most sort of fragile geopolitical boundaries in the world right now, but India has a no-first use policy when

it comes to nuclear power, which is also how most Indian men function in the best. And family show. For the purposes of that joke, chill, chill, chill. So, yeah, unless, but Imran Khan has come out, the Prime Minister of Pakistan has come out and said he will give an appropriate response, which I don't want to imagine what is. But this is happening. This is happening, we're 10 days into it. Well, based on Imran Khan has done in the past, his appropriate response will be unplayable in swinging Yorkers. Who's been in from way outside of Stump? So it's so frustrating to me that he is heading up Pakistan's government at the moment

because this is exactly the sort of situation where I'll be like, Andy, can you not bring cricket into this? But it's literally impossible. Modi is, I mean, for the diaspora, speaking as a representative of the Asian diaspora, Modi is a complicated and divisive figure. Yeah, he as a representative of the Asian diaspora, Modi is a complicated and divisive figure. Yeah, he's been accused of like genocide. Yeah, yeah.

He's complicated and this is... I am actually, my mother has banned me from my family WhatsApp group because she says that the fighting that happens on their over-mode is so unbelievably vicious that she will not let me on there. And what I will say is in terms of my family, I am slightly surprised that half of them, particularly some of the younger members have swung so hard in favor of modie, because in terms of like our Hinduism, we are a very specific type of Hindu, and that type is shit.

Right. We're shit Hindus. We're shind wish Hindus right? How shit are we a Hinduism? I'll tell you how shit we are we all eat beef Hang on nish hang on you know it this could get very competitive Listen Andy it has not escaped my attention that my family is to Hinduism what you are to do days Form a bit of your body have you had sewn back on? Andy, I never thought I would say this. Where did you have your foreskin sewn back on to?

Which incidentally is also a game show format. Where did you have your foreskin sewn back onto? Which incidentally is also a game show format I'm trying to sell. At the television festival next year. Top story this week and safety update. So how do you feel? Do you feel safe? Do you feel safe where you are? I suppose that really does depend on where you're listening to this. If you're listening to this say halfway up a staircase trying

to move a piano, then you're clearly not particularly safe. You're in danger of something at worst life threatening and at best hilarious happening. But aside from slapstick, I'm really talking about the kind of safety that only governments can provide us with. And you should feel safer. Because this is the week that the mastermind behind 9-11 was finally brought to justice. Well yeah, I mean maybe not the mastermind but certainly the man who drove him around a bit. This really isn't so much of a terrorist as a man guilty of a traffic violation.

The point is you should feel a lot safer. Salim Hamdan who was bin Laden's driver from 1997 to 2001 and did it for $200 a month, about £19.9 said he worked for wages not to wage war on the US. I suppose the war on the US was just a tip and a pretty generous one as well, kind of a Christmas bonus. I guess that works out at more than 15% as well, it's a pretty good tip. Yeah, not bad at the way. He's a generous man, Benlund. That is as far as we've got in the war on Terra, seven years after the attacks on New York Andy,

the driver, and not even the getaway driver, the getaway driver. Well, I guess we can all sleep much easier in our beds at night, John, knowing that the world's number one ranked baddie will have to get another person to show for him around. That makes me feel much more secure. And to be fair John, he was slightly more guilty than people who made out.

He was convicted of supporting terrorism and also having one of those in-car air fresheners hanging from his rearview mirror in the shape of Bin Laden hitting Abraham Lincoln on the head with a baguette. That is very provocative. Prosecutors had wanted a 30-year sentence to deter would-be terrorists, to be more accurate, to deter people from driving them around. And it's now going to be virtually impossible for bin Laden to get a cab. That's what we've achieved.

Let that monster stand in the rain with his thumb out as cabs with their lights on just drive past and then in use that time to think about what he's done. Bin Laden's going to have to walk if he wants to get somewhere or learn to ride a bike, which I'm sure is very difficult in those mountains, so yes, I think we can all agree Al-Qaeda is officially on the run. Quite literally, on the run. The court took a massive one and a half hours of deliberation to come to the conclusion

that, including time served, he should probably be released in around five months. And how did this evil hardened killer of non-react? Well Andy, he smiled as he left court, said thank you to those in the room and then, bye bye in English. Bye bye! That is not how I picture the first sentence that Guantanamo going down. That place just keeps throwing up surprises. I thought that whoever it was would be dragged out by the hair,

screaming death to the West. Not thank you and bye-bye. He says more of the end of an Orsman's concert. Well, maybe America could try and build bridges with the Alkaida community by employing this man as the president's new driver. To show that he can be converted from driving terrorists to driving a leader of the free world around,

I think I'll be a message of hope for everyone. Well, in terms of rehabilitation, the judge said, I hope the day comes that you return to your wife and daughter's in your country and you're able to be a provider, a father, and a husband in the best sense of all those terms. I'm not really sure the negative sense of all those terms is, but,

have them responded, God willing. And I've always thought it must be tempting in that situation if you're the judge to say no not God willing me willing I am the judge you'll be released if I will it I don't want to be a dick about this and you know I'm not saying I'm God I'm just saying that this is genuinely my decision it does conjure up a rather lovely image of Dick Cheney watching the sentence come through. And just kind of throwing his remote control at his television saying, what the f***?

What is the f*** point in setting up f*** military trials? If they go soft at the first sign of a defendant not being guilty, what the f*** is the point of that? That is a compelling mental image, Andy. And I appreciate you putting it in my head. Good. He probably had his Wang out as well while he was doing it. And okay now you've ruined it. His Wang out ready to celebrate. I know you've done this. You started this. I'm angry with you. I've never said anything about celebrating. I was merely suggesting that you might have just had a shower and rushed out of the shower to see the result come through and not at time to put his jock strap on.

In terms of how important the figure this man was, the CIA officer admitted that in the wanted terrorist deck of playing cards he'd be the two of clubs, but that's not even true. He wasn't even on those cards, he didn't make it to the deck. Instead he'd be the Joker and you look at him and just say, well why did they put him in here? In Australia and go back to where you came from news, Deputy Prime Minister and all-around loud cockhead Barnaby Joyce has been outed by the New Zealand Prime Minister Bill English for being a secret New Zealand citizen. So Australia has a law requiring elected representatives not to hold dual citizenship, which is a terrible

idea in a country that makes a hobby of seeing how quickly it can get rid of its people in charge. So, someone out at a green senate of having a dual citizenship and since then it has been like a blood bath because Australia is a country where everyone's a relatively recent immigrant. You have toilets here that are older than the first building in Australia. So we've had five prime ministers in three years, and now it's just a game of dual citizenship dominoes in the Senate. Two greens had to resign, and then there was great scorn

and mockery by the conservatives, and then people started checking with their moms and found out that a one nation senator and also Barnaby Joyce, our current deputy prime minister, is potentially in the firing line. He's a man who up until now was most well-known for charmingly flushing a toilet during a radio interview and using his maiden speech to call abortion the slavery debate of our time. So, they can have him. Sorry, you have to go back on some of this. He flushed a toilet during a radio interview.

Allegedly, yes. Right. Was this in a radio studio? Does he... He... Does he... So now is a picture of... Is that a llama, Chris?

Yes, it is, yes. That is... It's the next Prime Minister, we is. Yes. That is. That's probably the next Prime Minister we think. He's looking at it like that because he's a New Zealander. So you're not allowed to be, is it not allowed to be an MP or a government minister? You're allowed to be a senator, yeah, a kind of a dual citizenship because they worry that you might be a sneaky spy for New Zealand. Without wishing to be too cynical about it and acknowledging that I do come from Britain, is it not a bit late to start worrying about whether white people in Australia are real Australians or not?

Shooting the horse after the door has bolted. Quick fact now, an acrobat is an ancient Greek flying rodent that's been nailed to a hill. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Um... LAUGHTER It's fashion news time. Now, Alice, you're also our fashion correspondent. Oh, I like it. Well it's not going to be me easy. Let's be realistic about this. We managed to get through the first 80 years of the people with no fashion correspondent. Well, in telling women how to have bodies news, New South Wales Australian Medical Association President Dr Brad Frankham has claimed that the use of overweight models in a sports illustrated catwalk show sends an unhealthy message to women.

I presume the messages that women are allowed to be fat while walking a short distance in spandex underpants, as long as they're still unfeasibly good looking. He likened the use of overweight models to sending women down the runway while smoking cigarettes, claiming the brands are using overweight models for shock value, which is totally true, of course. The last time I saw a fat woman on the beach, I was so shocked. I had to have a lie down and then a nice swim and then reapply my sunscreen before some more lying down and then some fishing chips. Modern model Robin Lawley has weighed in on the debate about runway size by saying she

knew the models and they were all very healthy and that Dr. Brad was a dickbag. I mean, she didn't say the last bit but she was thinking it very loudly. She, Lolly, who's a plus size model, which is a say about normal size for a human lady except more marketably proportioned, has said, it's nice to have a range of different bodies on the runway completely missing the fact that models are meant to look like grumpy teenage coat hangers with a heroin addiction. I think models are very inspirational. They inspire the youth to stare blankly into the middle distance while covered in oil, relaxing their mouths and looking half like they're about to fall asleep and half like they want to f*** car. Basically, you just summarise the life and career of Dick Cheney there, haven't you? Andy, with the troubling news about the last couple of weeks, it's important to focus on

the truly positive things when they occur. And right at the top of that has to be the Smurfs with the number one movie in the US, Andy. I woke up a couple of Sundays ago and boom, the Smurfs had demolished the John Favreau directed blockbuster Cowboys Dalions. Number Smurfing One, Andy. $75 million at the US domestic box office alone. Worldwide, $131 million accounting and you know the belters in the Spanish are going to keep coming back for more. It does smurfing miracle Andy, all the doubters out there can stick it up there smurf.

Were the reviews good? Now of course like smurfing weren't, but were the box office receipts good? Smurf yes, smurf yes they were. You've got a chance. And I quote Andy, overperformed in every market, holy slob! Apparently, Andy, even a sequel is already being planned for 2013. Now I'm not sure if I'm going to be allowed to be in it

after almost all of the comments that I've made publicly about this particular one. That's not the point. I've got box office gold on my hands, Andy, and I have to believe that my three lines, or whatever it was cut down to, to be honest, I haven't seen the movie and have absolutely no intention of seeing it.

They had to help turn this into box office gold. And look, I just hope that this news can bring some calm to the streets of the United Kingdom. It's something that can really bring everyone together. The Smurf's movie has already made its money back. Put down your bricks youngsters, pick up your brooms, everything's going to be okay. Smurf, yeah! And I guess if the success of the Smurf shows one thing, it is that democracy doesn't work. This is the week beginning, I'll try to get this murs on my digital video recorder at home, John, and I've stored it up for three years without watching it, like I have with the guru.

and storied up for three years without watching it, like I have with the guru. So, when we have a big show, it's bust up, John. Then I'll watch him. Then I'll watch him. But while I still need to respect you, I've got to stick with it. So, very wise. So, this is Bugle 164, which is, of course,

how the Scots say 214 PM. And this week, a section of the 164, is this on? Is this on? Is this on? This week, in the bin, a special Edden Refestival Supplements in which we review the new theatrical modern dance adaptation of the 1985 Belgian Grand Prix entitled Vroom Vroom, Yow, Vroom Vroom, and look out for Tom Cruise as Ricardo Patrazi. And we also

review Bust People Lenders' Baptown Boogie, a moving play based on the early life of US President Lyndon Johnson based on recently declassified papers. Don't judge him, just took him time to figure out who he really was. And in music, the exciting new John Oliver tribute acts, Mickey Plunker and his incredible musical way. Doing all the classics, including, of course, Silent Night, that's the closer. And in depth, feature on the cutting British, cutting-edge British comedian and ex-ultzman who's doing a very, very, very, very funny one-man show at 425 PM every day at the stand. Plus reviews of the cutting-edge political stand-up show, Political Animal on Monday to Thursday, also at the

stand, hosted by the 2008, 2009 and 2010, Bugle Best Comedian of the Fringe Award winner Andy Zoltzmann, which is some achievement given that I didn't even do a show in 2009. Anyway, I had an interesting snippet of conversations on the train. I did a gig in Glongo and on the train on the way there I just got this snippet of conversation floating down the carriage These words, I've been electrocuted that way so many times What other possible explanation I've maybe we should have a bugle competition for this. What is the explanation for that? What was he saying?

It's slightly defies belief, I mean it shows determination if nothing else and are refusal to be used by technology. Could it be cooking a pop tart in a toaster whilst having a bath? Yeah. Thinking that you are the pop tart and climbing into the toaster. So, yeah, I don't know what the price could be. I can't keep giving away three-year-old copies of my book. So, yeah. Anyway, just email him what he think it was and if it's good, then... I will send you a copy of the Smurfs movie. I will scratch it so you don't actually have to watch it. You can just own it.

Number one! You've changed, John. You've changed.