The Bugle - So many holes - Bugle 4113

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Andy, Nish and Alice look at three bad men in the news, plus The Bugle guide to Bitcoin, phone horns and Good Omens versus idiots Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Dancelaguard Reader. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's gonna happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. There it is!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Please welcome to the stage and the Zod's world! Hello, viewers! Welcome, hello! Thank you very much for coming. How are you all? You're a wukid, excellent. Welcome to be more specific than that if you ever go to see the doctor. How are you all? You are Woo Good, excellent. Welcome to be more specific in that if you ever go to see the doctor. How are you feeling? Welcome to this historic bugle the first bugle ever to take place a in a

circumstance And be in a circumstance that we haven't been told we'll be performing in until 45 minutes before showing the circus tent again And therefore also the first ever bugle that is taking place not in zero dimensions like the traditional bugle or even in two dimensions like most of our live shows. But in the full, well, full 360 if we include Chris. Let's call it 270 plus a little bit of, let's give him what was that? Two extra degrees. Then the full 273. So while this is bugle issue. I'm not quite sure how we're

going to block this out. Have we got any theatre directors in today? I don't know how, I mean, what's the etiquette of doing a putt? I mean, this is quite an idea. I think, given that there's like about 300 people behind you and you're looking where there's only one person right now. This is probably the not the right way. There's only one person right now. This is probably not the right way. There's only one person who really matters here. Chris, that was exactly. Exactly. This is doubling up as a bugle issue 4,113. We are recording on the 22nd of June 2019.

Yes. Another solstice out the way. You longest, there the year. Stonehenge did its job once again. And has prevented the days getting longer and longer and longer through the year as they did before we had hinges. Another summer closer to the merciful claw of the Reaper. That's what the world has become.

So we are recording on the 22nd of June. Now for the first time, regular listeners will know we do generally do anniversaries at this point in the show, that we've got some new technology and for the first time ever we're doing anniversaries of events from the future. On this day, in 2043, Donald Trump is finally impeached and removed from office after the 97-year-old president approached in the end of his eighth and final term of office is revealed to have given the nuclear football as a wedding present to his eighth wife, Donald Dina Poutinea, the granddaughter of UN Secretary General Vladimir Putin. Trump, however, remains King of Iran, chief executive of FIFA, and number two on Interpol's most wanted man list.

On this day in the year 2054, Roger Federer announces that he's going to play his last Wimbledon. The 72-year-old Swiss Mice-Towards given a tricky first round draw against the tennis tech Servax 5000, the tennis playing robot that has dominated the tour for the past 25 years after Novak Jokovic mysteriously went missing. And on this day, in the year 2219, exactly 200 years from now, it will not only be the 200th anniversary of me saying this, but it will also be the 120th anniversary of it being exactly 80 years since this guy looked

in me like an absolute f***ing idiot. So, as always, a section of the bugle is going, where? It's going, where London? In London! Correct, correct. This week in the bin, Bitcoin Facts. Does anyone here understand Bitcoin? No.

Correct, that is the correct answer. No one understands Bitcoin. It is not something that can be understood. It's been specifically designed not to be understandable. However, I have studied it. So here we have bugle Bitcoin facts for those of you who don't understand it quite as well as I do. Fact one, Bitcoin does not exist.

If you want to know how it works, just fucking guess. Or ask a brick that will have as much chance of explaining it to you as a sentient human being. Fact 2, the value of Bitcoin is fluctuated throughout its made up history from not loads to fuck loads, back down to loads, then fuck loads again, more recently less fuck loads, which is to be fair, still well above its fundamental real terms value of absolutely fuck all. The original blockchain, anyone? No, runs on on algorithm, and algorithms, in case you don't know what they are, they're

very clever things that do the kind of unseen mysterious weird inexplicable shit that in Wiser, simpler times, was correctly attributed to the devil himself. The whole Bitcoin process this year will use up more energy to run than any guesses. A fridge, perhaps? No, even bigger than that. An electric car. Still no. I know. Is it potato world? The family based theme park, the family theme park based on the renowned root vegetable with thrilling rides, including the starchinator and the dooms bud mega-masher. Wrong again, numbskull. Bitcoin will, in fact, use up more

energy this year than Argentina. Yes, that's Argentina. They're renowned f***ing massive South American country with 40 million people in it. You can mine bitcoins even though they don't exist. Take that, that, you're... APPLAUSE To mine them, you do a special coin and then, da-da, magic bitcoin. Sad it takes quite a lot of goes to get that magic some right. Any guesses how many? Yes, 1.8 billion.

So give yourself a couple of afternoons plus an infinite number of wallraces with calculators to hack away at with their tusks and I'm sure you'll f***ing crack it. Who invented it? No one knows. Maybe it was BAST at the Egyptian cat goddess or was it Peter Andre who gives it shit. There can only ever be 21 million bitcoins just will no. And if you think you have bitcoins, but you're not sure, see a doctor or eat more prunes, 20% of all existing bitcoins are lost, which is really quite impressive, and they did not f**king exist in the first place!

So by losing something that you never had, not only have you discredit the entire life and work, so the great American blues man, Muddy Waters, but you basically brought all human civilization to a logical endpoint. How does it end? You know how it fucking ends. It ends like all disaster movies with a hunky chilled man in a tight fitting t-shirt with a distractingly pretty lady

by his side saying not quite as much as would be ideal in a more equal world who fallen in love against the odds after initially not getting on very well, running away from a tidal wave of erupting dinotals. In summary, what the fuck could possibly go wrong with any of that? And that is your bugle guide to Bitcoin. So, thank you very much.

Thank you. Now that section is in the bin, in the bin, slightly longer than some sections in the bin, but there it's still in the bin and you didn't hear it. So it's time to meet our guests for today's bugle. Are you ready to meet our guests for today's bugle? Good, that could have been extremely awkward. Have that been along silence. Please now, welcome to today's first of all, representing the Southern Hemisphere and all women and humanity as a whole. It's Alice Fraser. Hello Andy! Hello Andy, hello Vuegles, how are you? Good, this is a surprisingly vulnerable feeling having people on my flank. I worry that you won't feel it sufficiently included, although you do have a great view of my ass.

So you're welcome. Good work on Photoshop, Chris. Thanks. There's more to come. Don't my Alice isn't the only one. Eat a dick. Eat a dick was actually a spider against the Nazis in the second world war. No, no, it's a term of affection among my people. I didn't realise you had any. Dick Salesman.

Wasn't he one of your prime ministers in the 1970s, were I? Eight minutes. Yeah, he went for a swim one day in an ocean of jizz and never came back. Family show, Alex. Family show. That was a reference to Harold Holt if you don't have him. Which bit was the reference to Harold Holt? Also, joining us today representing the Northern Hemisphere and the rest of humanity that is not covered by Alex and the entire Asian diaspora and people with beids. And Muslims, let's go with it.

I mean, he's not a Muslim. He's not a Muslim, but he often gets credited for being a Muslim, despite not being one. And Jews, let's build bridges. He's representing Jews as well. We are making the world a better, happier place. Please welcome N. Kumar! Well, that is genuinely accurate.

I like the fact that you use the phrase that I'm credited with being a Muslim as if it's something that happens at a mosque. More likely I am blamed for being a Muslim by large sections of the right wing press. Hello everyone, nice to see you all. Chris has done a photo shop of my body. My body, wasn't it? Yes. You've lost one. That's right. That's right.

Oh, yeah, there we go. That's a more accurate portrayal of my naked body. That is also the future of Britain. I think there's one element of that that is not part of Britain's future, Andrew. I am actually quite glad that we've been relocated because we moved from the cow across the way and Performing inside a cow was a real affront to my Hindu upbringing

So I for one I'm happy that we're in a giant circus 10 How are you all nice to see you? I'm just trying to work out where to stand here currently I mean just I'm not well there's there's three of us and it's a three-sided room, so I would say we just take one side each. Yeah, just take one side each. You guys are team size. I'm just my mark one section. I see I've been allocated the far left.

Well, I'm dealing with the incredibly attractive right. I've had a bit of a stressful morning, if I'm honest. I've had a bit of a stressful morning because my sewage pipe is blocked in my house. And so I thought it was going to be a problem about three days ago, and I didn't really do anything about it. And this morning, my back garden, such as it is, is now absolutely flooded with human shit. Really? I mean, that is a euphemism for that part

of the body I've never heard before. Yeah. When people hear this show, when people hear this show, they're going to think there was some really weird edit there. Like, how did we get to Nisha's shit? And just for the audience at home, that just happened. But it's good because this morning I spent most of the morning just standing in a mess

entirely of my own making and I really felt closer than I ever have been to every leave voter. Like, I feel connected to them. That's great. Would you find yourself just as a metaphor for your country? Let's crack on with Top Story this week. Well, here we are. As we speak here on London South Bank, Project Total Vomiting vomiting distance from Westminster.

I imagine, as we speak, there are high-level talks that the UN about whether some kind of international force should be dispatched to restore democracy to the UK. What's extraordinary, now Nish, you've got close links to the Conservative Party. Sorry, that was our special secret, wasn't it? Do we have any Conservative Party members in today? Anyone who might be able to help choose our Prime Minister for us, taking back control

of our democracy, and preparations are also in full swing for the official defenestration of Theresa May. She was thrown out of the window of 10 downings. All be the ground floor window, and they might let her use the door. I can't actually use the de-fenestration window because Gladton painted it shut in the 1870s the canny old bastard.

But I mean, Nish, what's your, your, your, our Conservative party correspondent? Absolutely, I am. Proud to be here. Yeah, going on. Well, look, we're face now with a straight-up decision. And I, by we, I mean none of us. The Conservative Party will pick our next Prime Minister, 160,000 members, we'll choose the leader of the Conservative Party by extension, who is our Prime Minister.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say, I'm so glad we voted leave in order to return Democratic power to a small group of retired stock brokers in Kent. It's time to take back control and return it to eight men who are all called Darren, who hate their wives and wish it was legal for a man to marry a golf course. So many holes. Family, sure. Quite literally, my daughter is in the audience. Well, Andy, she is about to learn some f***ing language. It's a straight runoff between Jeremy Hunter, who presided over a period of funding reductions in the NHS, resulting in the head of the British Red Cross, Mike Adamson, to condemn conditions in British hospitals as being a humanitarian crisis.

And he's up against Boris Johnson, who stands accused of adding five years to the prison sentence of Nazanine Zagiri Radcliffe, who used racial slurs in the newspaper column, and described women wearing burkas as letterboxes or bank robbers. The choice has now come down to a dick or an asshole. And what we wouldn't give for something in between. The nation of Britain is desperate for a perineum prime minister. A commander in Gooch, a tank at the top. I mean, there's many things I thought would never happen in my life.

Being selected for the Venezuelan synchronised belching team. Becoming Pope. Seeing the Queen down, eight points of logger and seeing pump up the jam on a karaoke machine. Waking up one morning with a bionic extendable leg which I could use for tripping up escaping criminals or less going escaped ice cream vans and Desperately hoping Jeremy Hunt becomes prime minister And to be honest, that was the one I least expected to have Yeah, we've left down we've gone down to the two this bit of sort of pretty extensive whittling process

Which resulted in Michael Gove and Dominic Rob being eliminated, the former for doing too many drugs and the latter for not doing enough drugs. And then the other two who represented various wings of the Conservative Party, Rory Stewart, who represented the remain wing and Sajid Javid, who represented the, how can we be racist? He's here and he's fine with. And they all participated in a debate on Channel 4 last week, which between the pre-written content and the makeup of the panel, which was four white guys, one brown guy and no women, wasn't so much a leadership debate as it was a British comedy panel show. And I speak to someone who has very much been the javid on a few episodes of Mark the Week. Jeremy Hunt told the Conservative Progress Conference, who knew such a thing he did.

That's like hearing about the abattoir owners veganism awareness week ago. He said that the Conservatives should not, quote, ignore the crocodile lurking under the water, in other words, the Labour Party. So don't, so don't, you know, beware, I mean it's fair, fair, beware the crocodile lurking under the water and instead jump into a vat of sulfuric acid with an acid-resistant shark in it. That is the choice we're facing. And Boris Johnson, there he is, I mean, what have we become? He could be primed. Did it all make you feel like going round all the world war cemeteries knocking on every headstone? I'm sorry you died for this. I've got a little bit of information about the 160,000 people who were going to make

that decision. You got did some polling of the Conservative Party membership and they asked the question, would you rather the Brexit took place even if it caused the following scenario? Now the results are genuinely alarming. 63% said they would rather Brexit took place even if it resulted in Scotland leaving the EU. 61% said they'd rather it took place even if it caused this significant damage to the UK economy. 59% said they'd be fine with it even if Northern Ireland left the UK. And 54% of Conservative Party members said that they want Brexit to happen even if it Ireland left the UK, and 54% of conservative party members

said that they want Brexit to happen, even if it results in the destruction of the Conservative party. The only thing they would not want Brexit to happen in the instance of is of Jeremy Corbyn, Brickham and Prime Minister. At this point, you have to think, what are these people afraid of? And the answer is, paying a basic amount of income tax. And also, you, Gav, have a bit of fun with it. Enjoy your work. Start asking other questions like, what about if Godzilla attacks?

What about if there was an old testament style curse resulting in the death of all first born children? Or, and I think this would be a very interesting question, replacing the queen on the five-pound note with me.. How would that if that was a condition of Brexit? You know as you say something and you realise as you're saying it someone is going to five-to-shot that. I've already drawn it. I keep telling you that's not legal tender and date. I mean, it is. This was all, you know, Brexit was all about taking back control of our democracy. And this is democracy at work.

But it's a democracy in the same way that a dead rat on a plate is a filet steak. And that's... Yes, there are some similarities, but they are no way outweigh the differences. I'm just enjoying as a representative of my country being a little bit outside of this whole debate, because I've been back in Australia, and none of this matters over there. I'm also a representative of my country, and that I'm very hot, very dry, and extremely isolated. Are you done on, I think we're on issue?

Oh yeah, I mean, but we're all done. Yeah. As in, we are all f**kers. I have three arseholes are going to pick another arsehole to be in charge of all of the f**king arseholes. I actually Google Tory arsehole. And of the first page of results that came up on Google um, Google, I've got it on the screen there. There seems to be one recurring face.

In fact, I did a little graph, so it's, um, so Boris Johnson came up five to reason. A three Mark Francois won, Philip Davis won, George Osborne won, but what I really liked about it actually was, um, when I kept looking and, uh, when you scroll through, there's a few other faces who appear, including Nish Kumar. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Can I just clarify, under that picture of me, it's just, it just says,

Jacob Riesmog and Arthole. LAUGHTER It's his forthcoming autobiography. He really knows how to target his audience. Let's move on now to men's issues. Also relating to the initial or the dual men's affairs correspondent. Absolutely. I am the man's first correspondent at the law, I can say is this. It's rain and men. Hallelujah, it's raining men. Oh no, the men are committing assault. Give everyone umbrellas.

Oh no, it's not helping. Use the pointy bit to point them in the dickhole. Hallelujah. LAUGHTER Guys, it's been a bad week for men. Let me rephrase that. It's been a bad month for men. Let me rephrase that. It's been a bad year for men. Let me rephrase that. It's been a bad decade. Let me rephrase this. Men is bad. Any specific men we'd like to ask. Yeah, and an absolute, a trip-titch of assholery from men this week, the Tory MP Mark Field

was filmed grabbing a seemingly peaceful climate change protester by the throat at an event in London. I don't really know what the event was. All I can say is it looked like it was five minutes away from being interrupted by Batman jumping through the ceiling. LAUGHTER It looked like it was five minutes away from being interrupted by Batman jumping through the ceiling In the meantime Donald Trump has been doing what Donald Trump does by which I mean trying to start a war whilst dodging of rape allegation The only way he could have had a more Trumpy week is if he'd written his name on a building and given one of his talentless

fucking useless children a job they don't deserve. And also unfortunately last night the news that the police were called to the home of Boris Johnson and his partner, Carrie Simmons, in the early hours of the morning after neighbours heard a loud altercation involving screaming, shouting and banging apparently, Simmons could be heard telling Johnson to get off me and get out of my flat. She also said, you don't care for anything because you're spoiled, you have no care for money or anything, which in Boris Johnson's defence is the top line of his Tinder bio. But unfortunately what's then happened is a series of people have come out defending the seemingly indefensible actions of all of this men, all of these men, Alison Pearson, who's a telegraph correspondent and fucking idiot, said that we need to find out

before we can make any sort of judgment, we need to find out what sort of people the neighbours are, specifically how they voted in the EU referendum. Now, just to be clear, this story is based on a mobile phone recording the neighbours took and passed on to the Guardian newspaper, which begs the question, are mobile phones remain vultus?

Breaking all these stories down a little bit. The first one, for an office, Minister of Mark Field, assaulting this Greenpeace activist, I'm just fascinated by the arguments that are playing out about this. First of all, Greenpeace has accused him of assault for grabbing the lady. In return, he's accusing Greenpeace of assault for coming to his party with Adon invite everyone on Twitter is accusing everyone else of assault because that's a fun game. We can all play and Both sides of the argument seem to be leaning heavily on the defense of it could have been worse with field saying she could have been armed The left saying he could have heard her more badly and if this is how he treats a woman that he doesn't know

Can you imagine how he treats other women I can't imagine Yet we all have imaginations imagine What if she had a knife or a bomb what if he chopped her head off with a dessert fork? I Mean of course if you do look at the extended footage of the fight security is already dealing with the gate crash Avists and there is no reason for him to have done anything at all But if you look at Markfield's career, there's no real reason for him to have done anything ever at all. So we cannot start down that slippery slope.

My favorite bit about the whole situation is a conservative MP has defended field, because of course he has Colonel Bob Stewart, a former British Army officer, has said that Mark Field needed to hold a woman by the neck because, quote, as a man, how do you hold a woman that is not in an appropriate, inappropriate way? You can't hold her by the waist, you can't hold her by lower down, you can't hold her by the chest. That sounds like the title of a post-MeToo R&B song. He said that field acted

in a reasonable way in responding to what he perceived as a potential threat and acting Adding that is exactly how suicide bombers behave. They don't run forward streaming. They just move into a position and detonate things I'm not saying she was a suicide bomber. Who knows? I mean we know we literally know that she was just a lady. I mean I watched the footage and in terms of the allegation that she might have had a gun, he grabs her by the throat. Did he think she had the gun in her mouth? It doesn't make any sense.

I mean, the defense has been absolutely incredible. Like, maybe she had a gun, maybe she had a knife, all the way up to, perhaps he was trying to perform a reverse heimlich, which isn't been over where instead of pushing the base of the body to force the food out, you actually push the top of the head in order to force the food into their lungs. Don't try that. How do you hold a lady? LAUGHTER They will be a side meeting at the Tory conference this year. LAUGHTER Does he not know that women have arms?

LAUGHTER Also, it does worry me that that is a conversation that they have, that they are just constantly amongst themselves being like, how do you think we can physically assault a woman without sexually assaulting a woman? Do you know what I mean? We're not assholes. We still, I mean, we just want to punch them, but we don't want to do it in a, you know, me too way. Yeah, even if you choke and it could be a bit...

May I remind you Andrew's daughter is present. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Homework time, darling. LAUGHTER The Boris Raoul were described as an altercation. At this time of change, it just so you can't spell alteration without a big C in the middle of it.

Peace were called when, quote, a neighbour was concerned for the welfare of a female resident and for the other 67 million people in the vicinity. Whereas with the Trump allegations, I can't help being a bit suspicious of the timing of it all. Everyone's gearing up for the Quadrennial joyous festival of democratic expression that is the US presidential election. Why is this coming out? I think it must be a leak from within the Trump camp to appeal to his core support. But the show that he hasn't lost his edge is a man who's quite prepared to commit sexual assault, a sexual assault, assault to boost his popularity.

I like the fact that no one is accusing the Democrats of leaking this, because aside from any other issues, everyone could agree the Democratic Party is not competent enough to organize anything like this kind of a leak. Are you, have you got any Americans in today? Yes, are you looking forward to your election? Have you all heard of the American presidential election?

Yeah, they have. That's why they're here. Unfortunately, they didn't read the news enough. They didn't realise they were trading one synch in shape for an older synch in shape. For those of you who don't know what the American presidential election is, imagine a rhinoceros shitting into a basket of puppies whilst talking about how much he loves puppies and despite having a puppy impaled on each of his horns.

And that's essentially about it. Do you move on to other Trump news now? Yes, you'll know. No. No. Because it's funny, I was just walking down the street the other day, thinking to myself, I think a lot of the world needs a war with Iran.

Um, so I, I know, um, I know some people like to bang on about climate change, making the global economy work for the broader good of the planet as a whole, making sure people have the freedom to live and talk and think how they want to live and talk and think. But really, I think before all of that, we really need a war with Iran. Otherwise what's the point? How to get a unish by this whole? Yeah, I mean, I think I'm justifiably terrified. Like also we have absolutely no power to influence any sort of foreign policy coming out of the States, because UK Foreign Office, you just yesterday called for a de-escalation of tensions in the region, and also yesterday President Trump warned Iran it would place obliteration

if conflict broke out. So that special relationship right now is feeling special a shit. He also expanded on his last minute decision to call off strikes planned in response to the shooting down of a U.S. unmanned drone saying he had been told 150 Iranians would be killed. He said, I didn't like it. I didn't think it was proportionate. In quite a sensible and sane way, which is allowed, but it's deeply upset some people, mainly because they can't conceive of a world in which a man who's been an irrational

and coherent asshole so many times could say, or do anything good to anyone ever. It's very upsetting to anyone whose moral categorization of the world has never developed beyond the broad brush strokes of a Disney movie. Look, even comic books have complex villains now. Who didn't have some sympathetic fan also in his desire to get rid of 50% of Britain's voters

with one click of his fingers. On the bright side Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Trump really should seek congressional authorization before military action and Adam Smith, the Democratic chair of the House Armed Services Committee warned it was not smart of the president to make details public saying it undermines the notion of a clear US plan. Thank fuck for that. Otherwise, I wouldn't have to come to Trump fan. And that would... Well, I mean, I think I think you're

misinterpreted it, Alice. He said he didn't think 150 deaths was proportional. But when he bumped it up to 2000, he's right all fucking forth. Well, my problem with all of this news is as an Australian, we don't really have to pay a lot of attention to most of the Middle East's kind of threats.

They're pointed in the other direction. I mean, we're technically a Western democracy, but no one ever shouted, death to the South. You're less catchy. So we don't really understand it beyond a sort of vague sense that the tensions in the Middle Eastern are the terrible outcome of complex and self-interested political behavior that's accumulated chaos over years

and resulted in this outcome, mainly because that's the nature of time, politics, and history. But we just get to walk around getting Iran and Iraq mixed up. Anything beginning with IRA spells trouble. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I mean, the thing with Middle East politics is that the truth is like Yeti with rabies. It probably doesn't even exist and even

if you did ever find it, it would be absolutely f**king horrific. And Trump has been cranking up his idiotic tension escalator 3.1x, given to him as an inauguration president by John Bolton. Now John Bolton, of course, is a renowned foreign policy hawk or to put it in more technical, internationally recognised terminology, a f***ing. Andy, may I remind you that your own daughter is here? What happened when we did one of these live shows in Edinburgh? What was the thing that your son said to us? Immediately after we came off stage? Well, um...

Well, I mean, I seem to remember him bounding up to both of us saying, well, I know what the seaward means now. Yeah, that did happen. And I said to him, my son is 10 as long term bugles for me, pretty much to the day that he was born in December 2008. And yeah, he, in Edinburgh last year, he came up to say, I know the C-word now. And I said, well, as long as you know, you mustn't use it. And he said, yes, I know that, Dad.

And then he just grinned and went, ****. Yeah. Which is, you know. I mean, the problem with the C-word is it's just such a better word than all the other words. Like all the other words for this part of a lady's body are a bit... you know like there is punch here. I shouldn't have said punch here.

It's also very difficult to have any authority as a parent telling your child not to use a word when the child has just seen 300 people loudly applaud you and your friends for using that word through an electronic system of amplification. Do as I say, not as I do, but you just said f***ing. Look, we live in a representative democracy. Hypocrisy is all part of the game. Got to learn. So I mean, clearly it's very complicated, the whole Middle East situation.

Well, US foreign policy involves negotiating way through Donald Rumsfeld's famous complex web of good baddies, bad baddies, bad goodies, good bad baddies, who are so bad that they must be good, but also bad. So let's ride them while we can, well, we can make them look good and then deal with them as baddies if and when the good baddies turn into bad.

It's all rather confusing. But I think we're seeing here with Trump coming up against Iran that in any fundamentalist, we fundamentalist showdown, the basic matter works out that the mental bits multiply each other, but the fun bits sadly cancel each other out. We basically explored the de-evolution of humanity. Let's move on to the bugle evolution section.

The bugle evolution section. Alice, you're our evolution correspondent. Yes, in young people growing horns news now, a 2018 study of the skulls of young people has determined that 18 to 29 year olds are more likely than other people to develop little bone spurs on their skulls and in a more pronounced way than older people. Headlines are reporting these as phone horns, but it's blaming the satanic growths on the bad posture of the youth of today. On one hand panic about the reading and recreation habits of the young has a fine history going back to Plato, including the idea that the reading of novels would make young women yellow, wet, and inflamed in the sexual passions.

On the other hand, I have a phone in my other hand, and I'm currently looking up the fact that the data on the causation of phone horns is probably disputed as it's basically a guess. Young people have more skull horns and so do over 60s, which could be related to bad posture and lig to phone use, but could also be because both young people and over 60s are banging a lot more than middle-aged people.

And maybe they're just inherently horny. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Now that is stagecraft, really, making use of the three-sided Colosseum style layout in this venue. Yeah, all the science is bullshit. I didn't realise this. It's sort of, they've seen that these bones were happening. They haven't really studied whether it's young people or not. I mean, if I was them, I'd be more concerned in terms of measuring phone impact

about the fact that I, as a 33-year-old adult, started reading this article on my phone and then got bored and started googling myself. And no Andrew, that is not a euphemism. Honestly mate, you make me sick. I mean clearly, you know, smartphones, I mean, they are contorting the human form. There are other adaptations of the human form caused by modern life in general, the shrinking of the hope gland, and the calcification of the knuckles of the middle finger, flipping excessive birds at television. And also, I mean, attention spans are shortening, but scientists have not yet discovered whether this is what's... what's the score on the cricket?

Yes. Afghanistan is still only two tickets down. It's got a right. Oh, right. I can't believe we've got this far without you demanding, I tell you, the cricket score. But it's in a heroic display of self-restring, I would say. That is, for people listening to the podcast, Chris has put up a picture that I think people would assume is photoshopped, but actually is completely real. It's a picture landing with balls for eyes. It's Andy's face for the entire duration of the cricket world cup. Just his eyes replaced with two cricket balls and his mind full of cricket players. That's a touching

vignette. Yeah, Indira, producing the worst performance against Afghanistan since the American military in the early part of this century. Well, it took a very long time to get nowhere in particular. Yeah, right. A satirical batting performance by Emma Stoney today by applauding their art co-lease commitment to satire. Any other evolution news for Alice? Yes, in other things, scientists get paid to find out about news now. New research comparing the anatomy and behavior of dogs V wolves has emerged,

suggesting dogs' historical progress as man's best friend has been fueling muscle development in their inner eyebrows. These muscles help them raise their eyebrows and look more sympathetic to humans, unlike wolves who naturally maintain the pleasingly immobile eyebrows sought after by so many women in their late 30s. Dogs waggle their eyebrows more while around human and raise particularly their in eyebrow, which produces the slightly worried classic puppy dog eye shape, and it produces a nurturing response in humans and thus results in treats. It's always nice to consider the ways in which animals close around us have evolved with a Darwinian pity trigger so we don't murder them.

Instead, we put them on our tummies while we watch TV, throw sticks for them to fetch, and occasionally cut their balls off. Thanks, science. I mean, if you can evolve, if eyebrows evolve to fulfill a specific use, what the f*** has happened to my face? It looks like my eyebrows have sort of evolved to keep rain out. And I say eyebrows, generously. It's one.

It's an eyebrow. I was going to be on television in Australia and I thought I should, so I went to a face ologist and he's been busy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the f*** is a faceologist? I don't know, you know the people who make your face those the doctors in face-off. I just googled it and I was like you know I wanted a hot crown like a hot towel and a cream you told me was magic that's all I was looking for but he spent 35 minutes trying to talk me into getting Botox. I was like, no, I need eyebrows for my job.

I need to be able to express confusion and despair. It's a vital... Yeah, it'd be really weird to do a satirical podcast with someone with no expression on their face. Brexit is going quite well. Yeah, I've got overdeveloped sarcasm in my eyebrows, but he said it only last three months. I'm like, oh, it's a subscription service. You've got to re-up your boat up.

Her renders. I felt really good about my face and my eyebrow mobility, so I got my money's worth. I stormed out. Well, I said, thank you. What's this? What's this person an actual doctor? I know. I just, if I was going to have someone inject botulism into my face. But I wasn't going to have, he was his idea and I was like, no thank you.

But that's what I mean. Why is he qualified to just sort of be like, do you want some poison in you? He could go weekend course, my uncle who's a dentist has it. Just because he loves needles. I can't do worse things with needles, I guess. You know what I'm all, it just makes me worry, if this is how dogs have evolved. Yeah, and then I put the effort into ingracing it and so on and so on.

What the fuck have goldfish been doing here? It's a lazy compilation of husbands. They are resting on their laurels. and I put the effort into integration, so I was like, what the f*** of goldfish have been doing here? The lazy compilation of hasbits. They are resting on their laurels. You know, I think one quality piece of evolution admittedly, hundreds of millions of years ago now, popping out the pond and kicking off the whole life on landstick. And then f*** all ever since.

And it also makes you want to wear all this end. Stick insects learning to pout. I don't want to see that. I do. Or pet flies learning to pout. I don't want to see that. I do. Pet flies learning to bat their compound eyelashes. Alice, you are also the viewer's religion correspondent. What's been going on in the world of God this week?

In the world of God this week, a Christian activist group called Return to Order has launched a petition asking Netflix to remove the television adaptation of the novel Good Owmans by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman from their service. Unfortunately, that television adaptation of the novel Good Owmans is on Amazon. The book which has been around for decades deals with the buddy-cop relationship of an angel and a demon trying to stop the apocalypse in the face of both heaven and hell, mainly because they quite like people. The petition, which seems to have been taken down, probably by the devil, says this type of video makes light of truth, error, good and evil, and destroys the barriers of horror

that society still has for the devil. Fair point. I mean, you start the petitions ultimately. I mean, this is not the first act of this group. They've tried to ban many other things you won't be surprised to know, including an ice cream shop called Sweet Jesus. Well they're saying for any ice cream addicts come here and get your crucial fix. Nailed it Andy. Too soon. Jesus fucking cro That don't get cross Mount it

Even if you don't get it now you'll get it in three days What a man has just walked out. Like, I cannot abide with this shit. He's walking straight to the petition office. I got a new one. He's going to the cash point. He's going to get some money. Get some money. Even you were disgusted by that.

Well, I'm disgusted by the whole thing. It cost my people a lot of market share. Your people, you are solely responsible for 50% of this country's ham consumption. Yeah, I'm just trying to get it off the shelves. You're as bad a Jew as I am a Muslim. This sounds like a sitcom waiting to happen. Radio, let's be realistic. Well, I think what we'll do for puns, because Chris recently, he had a baby, along with his wife. That's her.

There we are. She's only saying what we're all thinking. That is a kid saying, he's going to be Prime Minister, put me back. Is she on a spatula? Yes. Yes. No. So, while I was contemplating doing some puns about birth, but it would be a real labour of love. But I thought if I could do it, it would be a real... I thought if I could do it, it would be a real feat-ass stunning achievement.

Oh! Even... I wouldn't even have done it at the start, I hope people would look back in years to come and say, remembery-open, remembery-open with it. I don't understand that one, and I don't want to. No, it's probably best you don't. Some people might not like it, especially posh people that don't like talking about bodily functions, even if they quite like the rest of the gig. They'd probably say afterwards,

you're the pregnancy puns were rubbish. Other than that, it was a pleasant Anyway, after all, I mean, you've come here for me to make you laugh. And I've set up here with this just kind of unusual operation, what you might call a gest station. Um, 106 for three. Who's out? Rada Shiloh. It's free. Who's out? I'm the only obvious as bummer I got left. Anyway, I'm just trying to distract you from this f***ing pun right now.

It's alright, yeah. He can't deal with it, he's in ovaries head. Right, so we leave it there, Let's leave it there, right? It's a famous saying in showbiz, to start with your best material and end on a growing sense of anti-climax. And I'll give it a two for that. You know what I say to that?

106 for four. Oh, got two quick wickets. Yeah, two quick wickets. Sorry, yeah. Anyway, so. And we need to finish this show. We need to finish this show. Otherwise someone's going to call for an appeasio to me. Oh, what mate. That's it. We'll be at the back, signing mugs or breaking them. If you want to buy one and then for us to smash it, you've got to pay an extra ten quid. Huge, great audience for the

beautiful. Anyway, please show your appreciation for everyone you have seen today. You have seen Miss Cuba! Alice, Fraser, Alice. Do you have an Edinburgh Preview to plug? Yes, I have an Edinburgh Previews. One is on Tuesday at the Harrison, and it's going to be super fantastic, and I'm great also one on the 10th. Look, look, look, look me up.

Chris on guitars. And drums. And give it up for Chris's baby And my former baby That's how much of coming we'll see all again good night. Thank you. Good night, good afternoon. Let's go fall down.