The Bugle - Spoiler alert! Obama won

Episode Date: November 10, 2008

The 52nd ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bughlers. Hello. Everything's gonna be alright. How are you doing, Andy? I'm alright. Where did you spend the election? Don't tell me John. I've recorded it on the telly.

I've not had a chance to watch it yet. I've had a busy week. Don't tell me the other day. In which case Andy, I'll simply tell you this. I was up all night working and then either celebrating or attempting to kill myself. Spoiler alert.

I'll spend the next day to do a piece we're're doing on the show, filming with a bunch of puppies, including a King Charles Spaniel, who I called Sir Sniffs a lot, partly because Sir Sniffs a lot seemed to like big butts and wasn't willing to lie about it. And the problem is, by chance, we were filming in a pet store that is right next to my house and I'm happy to walk past Sir Sniffs a lot most days. He wants to come home with me under you can see it his eyes. Well I saw that piece John and you don't look comfortable with animals. What are you talking about? You were holding that little dog as if it was about to explode. Well I was saying this wasn't it. There were two puppies and then a cat and the cat

was supposed to hold but we basically had a fight without about 10 takes in a cat. And the cat was supposed to hold. But we basically had a fight. We had about ten takes and the cat. Every time I started speaking, the cat just freaked out. I think it was allergic to the English accent. As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. This week we have a special section on breakfast in the Obama era.

As Barack Obama prepares to eat breakfast as president for the first time in just 10 weeks time, that's a mere 210 and a bit meal-away, not including snacks. We ask, can a farmer afford to be associated with a meal that George W. Bush also ate? Also the world's leading political breakfast dish and doctorate from Melopold Room talks us about the most presidential breakfast you're going to have at home to make yourself feel like the most powerful man in the world. Without wanting to give away too much I'll put it this way. I hope you're not squeamish or Jewish and that you're in a couple of

changels and some plastic shooting. And also we talked to the woman who used to poach Jimmy Carter's eggs in the White House days or as she used to call it when he went for the post-opshin the Yoke House days. It's the former HEP-TAP and Olympic champion Jackie Joyner Cursey. And also in the bins, Barack Obama prepares to fix the US economy and make everyone in the world millionaires. Don't let us down big man. Part one of our most significant moments in economic history. This is going straight in the bin. Part one is 13,700,000,000 BC. The big bang! The universe begins.

The most significant event in economic history. Without it, there would be no businesses in existence today. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So, well, there's only one place to start this weekend. What a moment for the world. John a historic moment of young, charismatic, eloquent, mixed race man who's excited and has inspired the world throughout the year has broken through the barricades of history to become Formula One World Champion.

No, Andy, no, that is not the top story, isn't it? I like this. That is not the top story. Right, what is the top story then? The top story this week is what else Andy? USA! USA! You greatest country in the world Andy, greatest country in the world until the dust settles

and the reality of the current situation starts to sink in. But no one's thinking about that now and rightly so. Number one baby, woo! So it must have been pretty exciting to be being America for the election John It was extremely exciting Andy Barack Obama or to give him his full name President Barack Obama or to give him his middle name as well President Barack holy shit. I can't believe that this has actually happened Obama became the president elect of the United States of America and low just over half of the nation went batch it crazy. My only concern Andy is that America has experienced such incredible

mood swings in the last year and it is set for a lot more before and then immediately after January the 20th. Most doctors would probably argue that America is currently at risk of becoming bipolar. This nation is exhibiting the classic behaviour of a manic depressive. The highs are incredibly high, such as Tuesday night, and the lows have been incredibly low, such as the last eight years, with Michael Phelps throwing in there as well. Well John, it was a pretty decisive victory. It was a margin of defeat that even the Republicans couldn't win with. So, and you know, we need to look back now at the campaign, John. I think there's a number of turning points.

And I think probably the key turning point was just towards the end of September when the barn was struggling a bit. And I did a gig for the Democrats abroad organization at the Soho Theatre in London, in front of about 120 people. And if you think back to the end of September, McCain had about 15 to 18 point lead in most polls, I think. No. Well, you know, let's say that he did. So I think my gig really, really swivethings.

Well, I mean, that can't just have been a coincidence. No, it could have been, but not really. Obama delivered his victory speech in Chicago's historic Grant Park to an adoring crowd, a walking onto the stage with his ridiculously photogenic family. There are good-looking bunch, the Obama's Andy, I'm pretty sure there's a photographer's wall somewhere that they're supposed to be on. Every time you see them standing together, it's like they're painted in watercolor.

There should be a still-life plant, wilting, lightly behind them, and maybe a naked, six-year-old retiree life model with his wang hanging out. Above a very impressively managed to resist the temptation to begin his speech with, okay, America, let me leave you and on a secret. I am actually a Muslim, and I do hate America. Here's your new secretary of state, Louis Farrakhan. Well, that would have been a real showstopper. But literally probably a showstopper. I think the only thing could have done to Trump that's was

to admit that he had blacked up for the entire campaign, which I think would have punctured the enthusiasm a bit. But I guess his point would have been judge me on my character. It would have been a relief to about 49% of the country. This was a night that few people thought they'd live to see, including a farmer himself, who said, I was never the luckiest candidate for this office, we didn't start with much money or many endorsements.

And now looking at him Andy, he has spent more money on his campaign than any candidate in history had almost every celebrity endorsement except for John Voitton Kelsey Grammar and even had Oprah in the crowd in front of him standing in the cold. That was a moment that most people found almost more unbelievable than anything else. Really a barmer? You're making Oprah stand out in the cold. After all the money that she's given you, you can't even get the Queen of America a backstage pass. She should have had a throne right in front of the stage for shame, Mr. President. I'd like to see her as Secretary of State. She's someone who the world can relate to,

who the world already respects and knows, and I just can't think of any better candidate. There were many, many prominent African-American figures in the crowd, including a two-fold Jesse Jackson, who was visibly overcome by the moment, but was also over her mastering. The most incredible thing about tonight is is I still want to cut his nuts off. What's wrong with me? Jesse Jackson also said, now I can look at my grandchildren in the eye and tell them that if they want to, they can be president too. And I thought this was concerning for the world, John. I had an idea that Jesse Jackson actually wielded that much executive power.

And it was a great moment in democratic history, Obama's election, and straight straight away Jackson is trying to hijack it for the benefit of his own grandchildren. Makes me sick. Keep it in the family. And the last time the president was accused of fathering black children, Thomas Jefferson, he kept pretty stoop about it. And it's great to see that Obama has the confidence to parade his proudly around on world television. Show so much America has changed in the last 200 years. The most touching moment was perhaps when Obama spoke to his daughter saying, Sasha and Malia, I love you more than you can imagine. And you have earned a new puppy that's coming with us

to the White House. Fathers across the globe all instantly started feeling like bad parents. Because that is holding your children to a very high standard. You can have a puppy if and when you help get me elected president. Most parents give their kids puppies just for not drinking milk through their nose. Well, I think it's quite encouraging as well, John,

that's a bummer showing that he's going to reach across the political divide and keep some of the good bits of the Bush administration. And I think, you know, the world probably agree there has only been one good bit. And that is the White House dogs Christmas video. There you go. So, yeah. It's good that he's big enough just to not chuck everything out indiscriminately. That's right, absolutely. But the night wouldn't have been complete without some trademark Obama hyperbole.

He addressed his campaign team at one point saying to the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics, you made this happen. Oh, there, the entire history of politics, I'd just like to say to my campaign team, you made Caesar's campaign team look like a giant group of douchebags. Seriously, you made the people around Alexander the Great look like clowns and bad clowns, like fat old clowns that should have retired years ago, tired birthday clowns whose balloon animals all look pornographic. You're the greatest. Well, I guess, you know, part of his appeal to the world,

and there's been amazing scenes all around the world. In fact, in Britain, here, following the November 4th election, the next day on November 5th, fireworks displays all around the country to celebrate. I guess so. Because everyone around the world feels able to relate to Barraka Barmer. And I feel this, John, I feel I've got a lot in common with him. I've got a white mother.

My father is from Africa, albeit South Africa. Well, yeah. And... Same continent. Yep. My wife's a lawyer. I have a daughter. I don't really like terrorists.

Oh my God. I've got relatives whose lies I have absolutely no idea about. I had quite an odd shaped head as a kid. And above all, I think this is where me and a bum really link on a spiritual level. This is spooky, this is spooky, Andy. Where we really link on a spiritual level is I too know what it's like, just like key dust,

to stand up in front of a crowd on speak for an hour and not get any laughs. I know how dog gigs are tough, John, but he got nothing, lots of applause, but no laughs. And he was really making points more than cracking jokes and not just not really sure that's comedy, to be honest. At one point he spoke of a 106 year old photo called Anne Nixon Cooper and all the changes that she's seen in her life saying, if my daughter should be so lucky as to live as long as her, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? And as one, we all knew what he was talking about, Andy.

Rocket boots. That's his mission. For Kennedy, it was the moon. For Obama, it's an affordable, fully working rocket boot. That's what America needs. That is transport we can believe in. Come on, America. If we can dream it we can do it. So well I guess some of that's the problem John as expectation management is going to be difficult. As Norman Mailer himself said, expectation like an exploding rhinoceros is a dangerous beast. And what he might have said it, I don't spend a lot of time with him. Now he's dead so I guess we'll never know. But I guess you know there's so much excitement about having a president who talks like presidents talking TV drama series.

And people will be expecting them to come up with a scientific formula for turning bread into sandwiches. And basically, John, these are really tough times to be a pessimist at the moment. Yeah. You really have to dig deep to really see the worst in this. That's right, I mean, there's no doubt. Harry's gonna be an inevitable anti-climax

when pessimists can come back from under their rock. But for now, for now it's really good. For at least a while, even though it may be transient, even though it may be ultimately hopeless to see the good in thing. And for his part, John McCain made a very gracious concession speech, a lot more gracious than George Bush's concession speech

eight years ago, which he somehow managed to put off for so long that it became an inauguration I'm still not quite sure how that happened. It became began by saying a little while ago I had the honour of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him and his supporters responded to this noble sentiment. I'm promptly booing. That's the spirit, the old poisonous talk express reaching its final destination. I am really starting to get the feeling that John McCain would be quite happy never to see his supporters ever again. But I tell you the real unsung hero is here Andy, President Bush. He has managed to scrub the country so badly that America is now ready for a black president. There's no way that would be happening if he hadn't been so absolute

in his incompetence. In many ways, he's a pioneering civil rights leader. He's like Rosa Parks. If Rosa Parks had instead of refusing to go to the back of the bus, had become a poorly qualified bus driver, had crashed almost every bus in Montgomerie into a ditch to the point that no one really wanted to ride the bus anymore, and black people were therefore free to sit where they wanted. They each had their methods, but they each did great things. The Obama Future! What about the future, Andy? What kind of president will Obama be? Well, he's in the very fortunate position of not physically being able to be worse than his predecessor. It's like the next ship captain tried to sail across the Atlantic after the Titanic.

Look, as long as I get you across the ocean alive, I think we'll all agree I'm going to be the greatest captain in the world. It is going to be hugely refreshing just to have a president who can string a sentence together. The bar has been set incredibly low. In fact, it's just set that competence at the moment. And on Bush's part, there was concern about what he do in his last spell in power. But I think that's gone now. I think he'd happily go now.

He's had enough. When he meets a barmer next week, a barmer shouldn't be surprised if he's already packed his stuff up and is asking him if he wants to move in before Christmas. The Obama World reaction. The world has reacted incredibly and in fact celebrating the result so hard, it's almost rude. There was a real sense of, thank f**k it over in the faces of this planet's inhabitants. And I won't be surprised if Bush's feelings were a little bit hurt over this. Okay, you're happy, I get it.

I'm starting to think that you're looking forward to me leaving. Well, there was quite an amazing reaction around the world in Britain here, some amazing newspaper reporting of it. One journalist said this is the most significant moment in human history since fish climbed out of the sea. Another said when Christopher Columbus discovered the USA in 1492, he could surely never have dreamt that one day a woman would be just a few million votes away from becoming vice president. And also another newspaper went with Arsenal struggled to find goal scoring touch in Europe. Although

I may have read that newspaper from the back frontwards. Here in Britain, we've had one of those moments that's when your grandchildren pointed gun at you and asked you where you were, when this event happened, you'll be able to tell. You'll never forget, you'll never forget. And that moment was interest rate being cut

to a 50 year low, John. Down 1.5% to 3%. Wow, Britain's had a history. 40, well, this week. 1.5% to 3%. Wow, Britain's had a history of 40. 40. And historic week for Britain too, Andy. And it's not just that, John. There's been some epoch making democracy here.

In fact, in many ways, this is more significant than the US election, because we've had the Glenn Rothis by election, John. And it was won by Labour. And I think this is more significant than a bar more winning the US election, because I think it was won by Labour and I think this is more significant than a bomb winning the US election because I think it was in everyone would agree that it was inevitable at some point in American history that a black man would become president. But it was by no means clear that Gordon Brown would ever win another by election. True. That is more historic event. And yet where's his global front pages? Yeah, exactly. Even Marmoud Armadinajad sent a message of congratulations to a bomb.

The first message of good to Obama, the first message of goodwill to an American leader since the Islamic Revolution, and he offered talks to America under only two conditions that America withdraw its support for Israel and end its presence in the entire Middle East. Well, book those flights now, Mr. President, because neither of those seem like insurmountable hurdles to me, unless he's serious in which case they are. Well, maybe he's just, you know, just, it's a starting point for a negotiation, John. And he said some quite odd things on with InnerJet.

He said, I congratulate you on being able to attract the majority of votes of the participants of the election. He carried on, as you know, the opportunities provided by Almighty God, which can be used for the elevation of nations, or God forbid, for their collapse, are transient. I hope you will prefer real public interest and justice to the never-ending demands of a selfish minority and seize the opportunity to serve people so that you will be remembered with higher steam. Now, I don't know who writes his greetings, Carlton.

That was intense and mysterious. I think you just pulled it off the shelf, that was a standard one. It had a boy with a balloon on the front. But of course, John, the immediate British political reaction, as always happens, was some bickering in the houses of parliament between the party leaders. It's the default British reaction to anything except when there are actually things worth bickering about in which case the party's agreed to go to war in her art. But David Cameron in prime minister's questions, use Gordon Brown's no time for a novice line from his conference speech a few weeks ago to suggest that America had in fact chosen a novice at this time. And yes, I guess that they are the that Britain should therefore pick David Cameron

and I guess it would be interesting if Cameron does win the next election which does appear likely, you know, there will be celebrations all around the world and kids will look up to their And I guess it would be interesting if Cameron does win the next election which does appear likely You know, there will be celebrations all around the world and kids will look up to their parents and say yes, mummy What a world we live in we're an eaten and oxford educated white millionaire can still make it all the way to Downing Street He could be the first white privately educated prime minister we've ever had Andy the Russian response was interesting John the day off the election The Russians started banging on about their missile defense plans for Europe

in an effort to try and dissuade America from their European missile defense systems. And you kind of expect this from a Russian leader. You know, it was a great opportunity to be seen to be doing something a bit crazy. And Medvedev took that. And I guess, you know, there's a certain level of expectation with the Russian leader.

It's like a Catholic priest handing out the same brand of biscuits for a thousand communion services in a row. And all these world leaders are kind of jumping around in excitement saying hey over here Barack look at me look at me Barack Are you watching I'm doing it some assault? Well my favorite some assault this week came from Silvio Burlescoany and the Prime Minister of Italy in career criminal Never let you down. It was described above our after his victories, young, handsome and even tanned. Oh Silvio, whether that was an opinion or a joke either of them would be from the 1950s. Well you can always rely on Burlusconi to come up with the goods. I mean that's what he wants in Italian politics, John. I mean you can't make jokes burlisconies to come up with the goods. I mean, that's what he wants in Italian politics, John.

I mean, you can't make jokes about the lira anymore. And we all miss them. And they don't change government quite as often as they used to. And it has been a while since their tanks only had a reverse gear. But burliscony will always be there for us, John. He will always say something genuinely appalling. But at the same time, quite funny. He's said some amazing things over the years.

He suggested that a Chinese used to boil babies under mouth. This caused a bit of a rumpus with the Chinese. And then Burles can clarify his comments by saying that they didn't eat them. They just boiled them in order to use them to fertilize the fields. Also he told a German member of the European Parliament that he'd be perfect for a film role as a Nazi camp guard. Also described himself as the German member of the European Parliament that he'd be perfect for a film role as a Nazi camp guard. Also described himself as the Jesus Christ of politics. I'm a patient victim. I put up with everyone. I sacrifice myself for everyone. And he also said that if he was talking about why a company should invest in Italy,

he said another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries. He's the worst human being in the world. Yeah, but he's great worst human being in the world. Yeah, but he's great value for the neutral spectator. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH have of course been other significant presidential firsts through history some of which are these Harry Truman whilst the first president to limbo dance under the oval office desk Zachary Taylor the first president to say giiiing his own inauguration speech as after he stuffed his toe on the lectern Chester A Arthur with the first president to have killed a cat

well he loved his baseball Arthur and his cat just stepped into a fastball so it was an accident really Gerald Ford was the first president to wear a G-string. In fact, that's why it's called a G-string and he did so to try and put Bresnia for for the meeting. Warren G. Harding was the first president to have once dressed as a woman and tried to sneak into an ensemble's party. Sebastian Bigjoggs was the first president to change his name. He became Dwight D. Eisenhower. He's in the initials, John. Double D. Bill Clinton was the first president to have won Wimbledon. No, sorry, I got that the wrong way around.

Even Gula Gong was the first Wimbledon champion to become US president. Hang on, no, she was Australian. I'm confused. Other news now. And proposition eight. As we all know, elections in America aren't just about voting for landmark candidates and giving the world a sense of hope it hasn't felt for a while. They're also about the important things, voting for propositions to amend state legislation. And Proposition fans were spoiled for choice on Tuesday and with 136 across the nation's ballot papers including abortion rights, assisted suicide, medical marijuana and gay marriage.

Oh, goody! All my favourites, Andy, are box of divisive chocolates. It's so hard to know which one to pick. Well, let's start with Proposition 8, gay marriage in California. Well, the result of this, Andy, was that America managed to instantly deflate its hope balloon when this proposed ban on same sex marriage passed, overriding the recent court ruling which legalised them in the state and wow, that warm feeling didn't last for long, did it, California. No longer had the racism subsided that the homophobia came galloping to the surface. In Chinese philosophy, the

concept of yearning yank concerns the balance of the opposites. And while America Yinn's Tuesday night, California was busy yanging all over the place. The clue is, Yin and Yang, not Yin and Ying. It was one great moment when Valer's Mitchell on CNN interviewed the editor of the advocate, a gay boy weekly magazine and said, your magazine has fought Prop 2 all the way. Are you shocked at the support for Prop 2 in a state that's considered to be the bluest of blue states? Do you know what? This woman was shocked, Andy. Partly because she thought she was coming on to talk about gay marriage and proposition eight. And with it instead seemingly being asked about Proposition 2,

which concerns the living spaces of farm animals. You can see her thinking, well, I thought I was here to talk about gay marriage, but sure, I definitely think the chicken should be allowed to move around freely. In fact, I'll go further and say, that is the position of the entire gay community, even though as you know,

chickens are notoriously homophobic. Well, it does raise the question, John, of how long will it be until America is prepared to embrace either, literally or metaphorically, a gay president. And would it cause the same level of celebration as Obama has caused this week? There's never been openly gay president. There was, you know, JFK, possibly. Well, you know, all I'm saying, John, he was shot by a man.

It just got jealous lover written all over it. It's not entirely clear what legal status, the estimated 18,000 marriages, which have taken place in the last six months, will now be is America going to forcibly divorce people now? Have a minister standing up in front of people say, I now reprenounce you two separate dudes with absolutely no connection to each other. Other than the fact you both be burning in a fires of eternal hell.

You may now separate your possessions. How could this happen under the new Prince of Hope Andy? Well, I'll tell you how, because he did, he did Jack K. Shit to stop this from happening during the campaign. Knowing that in terms of electability, this was one political volcano that he may

not want to go swimming in. In fact, his position on gay rights and marriage has been the position of a man not only sitting on the fence, but also making sure that he even has one ball on either side. During a debate on gay issues in the primaries, as he was dodging questions, he was asked about gay marriage and he said, well, my view is that we should try to disentangle what has historically been the issue of the word marriage, which has religious connotations for some people, from the civil rights that are given to couples in terms of hospital visitation, in terms of whether or not they can transfer property or any other social security benefits and so forth. So it depends on how the bill would

have come up. And look, antics may be important to some Wow He was trying to dodge that bullet like neo in the matrix British other news now and Britain's children are obnoxious little shits That is now official of course Britain has always been the spiritual home of the obnoxious little shits. That is now official, of course Britain has always been the spiritual home of the obnoxious little shits. Now we're officially confirmed more than 4,000 children under the age of five have been suspended from school due to bad behaviour. Now John, we might not have much of a manufacturing sector these days and even less of an empire, but we can still proudly boast to have the world's most irritating children. Almost two and a half thousand of these children were banned from school for violence towards

other children. I'm a bit worried that the government efforts to stamp out football violence have really driven it off the terraces and into the school playground. But there's no evidence for that. 890 children under five were suspended for assaulting and adults. I used to think that I could take a five-year-old in a fistfight, Andy, and now I'm just not so sure. It seems we are developing a group of very violent infants, perhaps we were just evolving as a nation

and unstoppable army. Maybe the Empire is coming back again. By the time they're 12, they'll be an elite fighting force. Well, I prefer to sit in less militaristic terms, John John because you think 20 years ago what a kid used to do with their spare time. They used to ride around on bikes and now we have a generation of Olympic cycling champions so in 20 years time these little shits who are punching each other's faces in the playground will dominate the world ultimate fighting championships. They'll be able to smash a chair on

someone's head at 50 yards. Some people have blamed the problem on a lack of disciplinary measures available to teachers, others on low-grade parenting, and others still on the fact that almost all four year olds are odious little shifters. Now Andy, you have a toddler. Yeah. Don't you now? Yeah. I guess my question to you is is she is she hitting you? She It's okay, and you're in a safe space now known to me to do a bit of eye gouging She can't get she can't get it you know Andy unless she's on the other side of the studio glass staring at you and running her finger Manacingly across her throat. Oh, she can't know but I the one thing I was really worried about was Oh, she she committed, no, but the one thing I was really worried about was she committed a

racial hate crime, John. A few months ago, she threw Ham at a praying Muslim. You know, I mean, she's my daughter and I'll always love her. I can't justify what she did. I can't justify it. You know, she was only, I think, about 13 months old, eating a ham sandwich. If you threw it, they'd happen to be a praying Muslim on the next seat along the ham landed on his hand. But, you know, out of the context of her being an infant, it looks bad. Well, it's worse, Andy and because her father is Jewish so even having that ham was anti-semitic. Well the whole point of having ham is to

try and build bridges between the warring religious communities of the world. That's a true story. Your emails now and thank you very much for all the emails that have been flooding in. This one is from Adash in Stockholm, who says, dear the bugle, I'm sure that you and the Injohn have come to terms with the prospect of an Obama presidency, President of the world, that is, never before has the notion of the American President essentially been the President of the world be more evident than in the last few days and never before have people from all over the world wanted to be more American. It goes on to say, I feel that for all this goodwill and more, all Americans should thank George Bush. Good point. You see, without him it would be

just another round of snobby politicians involved in a skirmish fire. But now, George Bush is unwittingly welcome to second coming of the Messiah, albeit he's black this time. And he was black the first time, but that's something I know people don't particularly like to think about. I foresee that in a few months the American public and the media will be carrying out a mass public crucifixion of this Messiah, and low order will be restored. It's entirely possible, Andy. Right. Who's going in the rose garden, they'll be erecting a cross. Who's going to betray him? Is he going to be Biden?

Of course, it's going to be Biden, and he won't even mean to do it. It'll be his ultimate gaff. It'll be like a slapstick Judas. Oh no, I didn't mean, oh, oh, I don't know, the microphone was on. And two e-mailers have alerted us to a very important issue that has been raised on the bugle before. These e-mails are coming from Sarah McCayton, Paylin Kipptack, who concludes her e-mail

with utmost buglarity. And also from Port Booth and Paul writes, Dejon and brackets the occasional brackets Andy. What's that supposed to mean? I'm pretty sure that's not complimentary. After watching the television coverage of the election last night, I stumbled blindly to my computer convinced of one simple fact.

The election is not over. Yes, it's true, although Barack quotes Obama may technically have quotes won the election, there are those who have decreed that the racial continue perhaps into infinity. You see Rudy Giuliani is still accepting donations for his campaign. I expect to come back any day. Thanks for the warning Paul. Good for Rudy and the America's mayor never gives up. So thanks to Sarah and Paul for alerting us to that and do keep, please keep giving money

to the Giuliani campaign. Giuliani 2012 Andy, only he can stop bailing. So thanks for emails, do keep them flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and next week we will have some more hotties from history. Also check out the websites at timesonline.co.uk slash the bugle where you can get access to the bugle column, the most significant opinion forming column in newspaper history. Bugle Sport now and well the impact of the US election has shuttered world sport to its very foundations.

Been some amazing election-related sports on. As mentioned last week, some amazing election-related sports on, as mentioned last week, Lewis Hamilton basically had the future of America in his hands in the last Grand Prix of the season. And he needed to win for the Democrats to have any chance, looking at the statistics from history, which show that Democrats only win whenever British drivers win the World Championship. And if those who didn't follow it, Hamilton needed to just finished fifth and he was fifth for most of the race and they got overtaken with two laps to go and it was raining and he overtook a guy who hadn't changed onto wet tyres on the penultimate corner of the World Championships. And if the rain had held off for another 30 seconds, John, the Republicans would have won the election.

Who are you thanking there and are you saying it was Louis Hamilton who got a bomber elected? Was it God sending the rain down? Or was it just prevailing weather conditions if you're an atheist? Well, I think it's probably a mix of all of those. I'm gonna throw another name into the house. Well, I mean Louis Hamilton drove a curitably defensive race in the last race, which suggested me that he actually wanted the Republicans to win. But luckily, God did send a small shower of rain, and even more luckily Timo Glock, the 26-year-old German driver, he was the one that didn't pit for wet tires,

and perhaps feeling guilty about what Germany did in the war. He wanted to make it up to the world by allowing Obama to become president. So he slowed down dramatically in the last lap, Hamilton overtook him, and then Obama won the election on Tuesday. Well, and it may well be that sport is responsible, because also in the NFL, the Washington Redskins have a very strange statistic that I believe the last 17 elections, if they win the incumbent incumbent party wins and if they lose the incumbent party loses. And the watching the redskins lost really big, almost suspiciously big. It seemed like there are a couple of members of that defensive line who played terribly. I'm just not willing to have this on my conscience. Looking around at the corner, back saying,

you are going to get sacked today. So thank you to the watching to red this on my conscience. Looking round at the corner, back saying, you are gonna get sacked today. So thank you to the Washington Redskins as well. There are these strange kind of quirks of sports. For example, the Queen Mother has only ever died during a year in which Turkey have reached the World Cup semi-final. That's a fact. And vice versa, Turkey only ever reached the World Cup semi-final. That's a fact. And vice versa. Turkey only ever reached the World Cup

semi-final after the Queen Mother's Pop-to-Clugs. She did what she could, Turkey, she got you to the semis. And I tell you, what couldn't you honor her death and go all the way? Here's another reason to be concerned, John. 1939, Portsmouth won the FA Cup. We all know what happened later that year. 2009, they won the FA Cup. F all know what happened later that year. 2009, the one of the FA Cup fingers crossed. Could be a dodgy last couple of months to the year. Just time for the bugle forecast now and the forecast this week is how long after January the 20th will it take before cynicism sets its teeth back into the flesh of humanity? Well this is a significantly

positive time Andy, so I'm gonna give it a whole three months three months. Yeah, well, that's the longest I've ever heard you suggest that might happen. Yeah, I think I think it might be less than a week. I think I think six days. I hope that was spirit. I hope it's four years at least. Six days. Well John, in some ways actually six days might even be too long because I've already got an example of cynicism about the greater barma victory, one of the most momentous events of modern politics. You know, one of the most significant symbolic events in the history of democracy, I think whatever happens's, that's ours to keep. I was looking at a message board on a rugby club fan site.

And someone started a message. They wrote O.T. at the top, meaning off topic. So not to do with rugby. God bless America. Well done to Barraka Barma, a great victory in a truly intriguing and enjoyable election campaign. Good luck for the next four years. Kudos to John McCain too, you campaign well and I've conceded to feet like a true gentleman. The West political system needs more people like you. And he just left that message. And then, 40 minutes later, the first response to that was a little emoticon of a little blue ball with a face snoring. Yawning with three little zeds and imagine coming out of it.

Already bored. The rugby community already bored of the Obama era. That's how quick it can happen John. So keep the fight everyone. And we'll be back again next week and we start the bugle countdown to 2012. We'll guard you through all the twists and turns of what promises to be another thrilling campaign with the economy already struggling. Can a bomber hang on to become the first African American president to win a second term? Will Sarah Pailin be the new Sarah Pailin or will it be someone else?

We'll be there every step of the way and John and America are out of the tension is already building. Oh we can't wait, can, can't find seasonings underway. Just, can he or she do it? 208 weeks to go. Strapping. Bye-bye. Bye, Bugleys.

Congratulations, America. Well done.