The Bugle - Springtime for Rishi

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

Could it get any worse for the Tories, or is Rishi Sunak basing his election campaign on The Producers? Andy is with Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Anuvab Pal for an election special.Expect a 2nd episode this week... with puns!This all happens because you, the global public, fund it, support us here: http://thebuglepodcast.com/Written and presented by:Andy ZaltzmanTiff StevensonAnuvab PalNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner.Cover art by @TradePhotographer Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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mean may I don't want to say will be coming to a soggy end I was joined at the Bloomsbury by Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Anu Vaipal plus the 500 remaining Londoners not at Taylor Swift's Wembley show let's get on with the show strap yourselves in it's election time. We are performing and recording on the 23rd of June 2024. Not a year that gets a lot of whooping and cheering to be honest. It's been a bit of a shit year to be honest and frankly a prick of a decade in what's turning out to be a bit of a **** of a millennium but there we go onwards and upwards. And it's still a week and a half until, or to be more precise, what time is it?

6.15? Polling starts at 7 a.m. on the 4th of July. That's 252 hours and 40 minutes away from the often crucial voting stage of the election. That's 1.50 weeks. It is a week and a half. That's 0.0029% of a millennium away from voting, for those of you who like to keep track of these things. So rather than looking at things that happened on the 2030s, we're going to look at the 4th of July and why Sunak chose the 4th of July for this election. Because these things are always tactical, aren't they? Like the Scottish independence referendum in 2014, they chose the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn, hoping that it would inspire patriotic vote which I don't think is how

democracy should work and if any of you when you vote find yourself sitting there with the pencil of democratic destiny in your fingers and you find the way you're about to vote being influenced by the result of a battle from 700 years ago put the pencil down and get the f*** out of that polling station. That is not your game. I think that's pretty much word for word what's in the Reform Party manifesto. Pick the pencil up, remember something that happened 700 years ago, and then have a wank over for Arj's wiki. Maybe Andy, it's an important day in the history of hedge funds.

Well it's possible. On the 4th of July of course it is a famous day. Have you got any Americans in? Yes, welcome. Have you got the USA t-shirt on there? We should be clear for the listeners, it's a USA football shirt. There's not just a person here wearing the USA, whatever the USA t-shirt is. Isn't it an eagle and some kind of... that's a USA t-shirt, right? It's an eagle shooting a gun at a child. Yeah.

And also an eagle ripping the liver out of the concept of hope on a daily basis for all eternity. Whereas a British t-shirt is no t-shirt, it's just some shit someone found in a river. Of course, 4th of July, a famous day in American history, 4th of July, 1776, the Declaration of Independence was ratified, a day when things really started falling apart for both the USA and the UK I think I mean I think you know the time has probably come to ask has it worked for either side I mean what do you think now would you would you are you would you be in favor of rejoining team GB the rebooted Empire we'll get there That's like asking someone if they want to board the Titanic.

Yeah, but it's... That is asking someone if they want to board the Titanic, who is on another ship that's also sinking. Our ship has better accents. On, so that might be a factor that Sunak, I don't know, subliminally just thinking of America and the day of 4th July came into his head, we don't know. On this day, on the 4th July 1837, the world's first long distance railway opened between Birmingham and Liverpool.

Yeah, some confusion in the crowd here of the idea that an infrastructure project could have been finished. Where between Birmingham and Liverpool, was there a replacement around Manchester? On 4th July 1862 Lewis Carroll told Alice Liddell a story that would become Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. So I guess elections are all about texts of fantastical imaginings with no sense of realism. So you can see why I might want to tap into that as well. And in 1954 on the 4th of July, food rationing in Great Britain ended after the war with the lifting of rations on meat.

That was 14 years after it began. So I don't know the symbolic significance of 14 years of darkness coming to an end. Who knows? So those are maybe the reasons why we're looking at. And also on this day, on 4th July, 2004, Greece beat Portugal in the final of the Euro 2004 football competition, a victory for a team who no one fancied to win

that wasn't particularly good, but which ultimately triumphed against the odds through a potent cocktail of good luck and remorseless negativity. So you can see why that might have appealed to Tory High Command. So as always a section of the bugle is going where? It's going where London? It's exactly like being at Taylor Swift. Yeah, exactly. Anytime you want to start a wave in the audience or whatever, you can get that going. Maybe with a f*** you, Chris, it would be good to get a... You know, my concern is, it'd be very concerning if in the middle of the Taylor Swift concert there's a pun run.

God, I didn't know Taylor was such a fan of cricket. Oh no, come on, she's doing American football, Pum Run, surely. They're usually at the end, Anna, not in the middle. Just bracing you for what you're about to endure. This week for our election special, in bin which is also I think that was the working title of the Tory manifesto we have a history of democracy section are you fans of just do this by vote raise your hands if you like democracy okay and raise your hands if you don't like it so even well yeah but even in

that vote when all you had to do to express your opinion was take the trouble of lifting a single limb we said only managed about a 63% turnout. A couple of people flipped us off, which I think counts as a spoiled ballot paper. No, only if you, as long as you keep your flipping off within the box, it's fine. Let's go right back to the beginning, and of course, democracy got off to a bit of a rocky start in 13 billion BC, when moderates proposing a medium-sized bang were outvoted. Sparking an era of over-the-top high-octane chaos that continues to shape our universe to this day. The ancient Athenians are generally credited with being the inventors of modern Western democracy as we know it,

although evidence from cave art suggests that the Bison Party campaigned pretty f campaign pretty hard for tens of thousands of years so long have we got a picture of so is that is that so long I mean was that just a random ancient that that is www.google.com forward slash what does a picture of solon look like what does it look like a white version of me I was slip there as well. Sorry, I keep making it sexual. That is my uncle's Tinder profile photograph. I was wondering why we paired up. Anyway, this is Solon, apparently Solon, the pin-up boy of the early fumblings of Athenian

democracy in the early 6th century BC. Apparently, and by apparently I mean according to Wikipedia, which is the same these days, he attempted to satisfy all sides by alleviating the suffering of the poor majority without removing all the privileges of the rich minority. How's that going you f***ing tunic bothering wokester? Let the free markets do their thing. Unfortunately, the Athenians, for all their phenomenally mind-blowing creative and technical brilliance, their naked wrestling and their very rude vases, couldn't get the f**king thing to work. Democracy with only 30,000 sodding voters, so it didn't bode too well for us.

Greek democracy thus sadly withered away, hamstrung as it was, by a failure to embrace newspapers, social media and TV news channels as a means of misinforming the electorate and also a reluctance to put cronies in lifelong positions of unscrutinised power. But, pretty naive to be fair, but they could sculpt a willy with the best of them, so swings and roundabouts. Democracy in the UK evolved gradually when Julius Caesar invaded in 55 BC, the future assassination victim of the year and pincushion impersonator, he found a general election in full swing, writing that the people were covered in woad,

producing a blue color. He did land in Kent. And historians now assume that he wrote that whilst passing through the Tunbridge Wells area. Before our current parties of all for a long time parties campaigned by carving their logos into the sides of chalk hillsides the horse party very successful for a long time until being challenged in the West Country by the naked man with a stonking plonker party. And finally today voting isn't in fact one of the most

popular hobbies in the United Kingdom. You know it's with almost with 30 million people flocking to vote at church hall, school gyms, tarted up illegal dogfighting arenas or temporarily repurposed sex dungeons to write the letter X in a box and hope their candidate doesn't win so they have car blanch to moan their arses off for the next five years which is what we fought all those wars for. So that's in the bin, also in the bin, the hopes and dreams of an abandoned generation. That was the bleakest laugh I've ever heard in my life.

And a free commemorative silent howl of despair at what we have become. So those are In The Bin, top story this week. The election is just, as I said, ten and a half days away. A momentous, momentous time. As the old saying goes, a week is a long time in politics and ten and a half days to go before an election in which experts are predicting you'll lead your party to its heaviest defeat in over 200 years must stretch ahead like an endless throbbing ache for Rishi Sunak, like a two-month

lock-in for a vegan at an abattoir. He's still putting himself out there. He's putting his furrowed brow in front of the camera on an almost minutely basis. To me, Sunak at the moment is like a zookeeper trying to shove his hippopotamus back up a bobsled run. You can admire the tenacity and the efforts, but you still have to ask, how has it come to this? Nish, you are the Bugles British politics correspondent. Explain what the f*** is going on and why.

I'll tell you what the f*** is going on, Andrew. Rishi Sunak and I are two men with a huge amount in common. We're both under-talented, over-promoted British Indian men who are desperately hoping this election will end. And we're both being told that we'll be out of a job afterwards, something we're pretending to be sad about, whilst secretly looking forward to it. So the latest scandal to... It is the idea that people keep saying the wheels have come off this campaign,

suggests that the wheels were ever on this campaign. This campaign is the equivalent of Rishi Sunak sitting on an accountant called Darren and shouting vroom vroom all aboard the Darren mobile. So the latest scandal for this is betting based. So a series of conservative MPs and people associated with the Conservative Party have been accused on betting on the election date. So this started last week when the Guardian newspaper uncovered that Craig Williams, who's the Prime Minister's private parliamentary secretary, who became an MP in 2019, placed a bet with the bookmaker Ladbrokes on Sunday the 19th of May in his local constituency. On the 22nd of May, Sunak made the announcement

that the general election would be held on the 4th of July. It's understood that this red flag was automatically raised by Ladbrokes because the bet was put in Williams's name and he was potentially placed as a politically exposed person and the bookmaker was cautious that rules might have been broken. That means the Conservative Party has been lectured on morality by the gambling industry. What next for this outfit? Will they be lectured on spreading bullshit by us at this podcast? Perhaps they'll be lectured on levels of sewage by the British River Shitter's

Alliance. Or will they be lectured on high levels of child poverty by a paedophile? These are the questions that the modern Conservative Party is being forced to ask. So then, once that scandal had settled, the Watchdog then started to examine bets placed by Tony Lee, who's the Conservative Party's campaign director, whose wife Laura Saunders is the Tory candidate in Bristol, North West.

Tony Lee has been put on a leave of absence from running the campaign, which for him presumably is sweet relief. Because would you want credit for this election campaign? It doesn't seem like something you claim credit for, it seems like something you accept responsibility for, like a divorce or a terrorist attack. One of the Prime Minister's close protection police officers has been arrested on suspicion of misconduct in public office over allegations that they also placed bets. That police officer failed to observe the fact that if he was as a police officer he'd simply bashed Rishi Sunak over the head with a club.

He'd have been less likely of being arrested by the f***ing police in this country. Nick Mason who's the Tories chief data officer has been informed by the gambling commission that he is also part of an inquiry into bets on the election day as being reported by the Sunday Times today. After being approached, the party has told the newspaper Mason had taken a leave of absence. In short, this story, much like Russell Brand's career, is something that started badly and somehow got considerably worse. Yeah, I mean the rumour is that Sunak himself put a bet on but got the date wrong. He put the date on for the 6th of July because he'd read it wrong in his calendar. That's marked out in his calendar as, sunning myself in California. Yay!

Now, Andy, as a visiting person, I was looking for just a newspaper article that sort of summed up where the British elections were. And I found this. And I thought for me this sort of summed up everything. There was a newspaper headline that said, the key issue affecting voters in Henley-on-Thames was which party was promising the least excrement.

And apparently it's no metaphor, it's something to do with feces in your rivers while people swim. And the party that said there'll be least feces would win. Well, I mean, you've got to vote in your own self-interest that's that's why I voted for Brexit because I was very much against it but I'm a British political comedian and it's basically funding the next six decades of my career so so I mean the sewage I mean it does encapsulate well

we'll just get back to the betting in a bit but that when the sewage does encapsulate the state of I mean I mean, the numbers are extraordinary. There's this thing called dry spilling, which is also a small village in the rural Gloucestershire constituency of Whippwich under Gimp. Also, dry spilling is the name of a South African blindside flanker as well, Dryspillig. But it's also a controversial process of blasting untreated sewage into rivers during periods of dry weather, which you might think is obviously not a good idea, but that's a very old-fashioned way of looking at things, because it is in fact necessary due to the fundamental British value of massively under-investing in infrastructure over decades, and assuming everything will be okay because the private sector knows best and we won the f***ing Cold War.

So it's a lovely British euphemism as well, dry spilling. Spill, I mean that's... That is euphemistic, isn't it? That's like saying, oh, he spilled his drink, meaning that he urinated on your uncle's coffin as it was lowered into the ground at his funeral. That's a bit more than spilling. I don't know, they're obsessed, aren't they, the Tories who are trying to bring back this kind of Victorian level of poverty? And like, bring back good stuff from the Victorian era. What they're bringing back is like Legionnaires' disease and shit in the water. Like bring back cool stuff like top hats.

Or like slapping someone around the face with a glove when you want to have a fight. I feel like that's fun. Or, you know, initially didn't seem great, but if you're a woman in the Victorian era and you were depressed and you went to your doctor, they assumed it was hysteria because your womb, so then they would bring out a giant vibrator and a man with a twirly moustache would have a go at it. So if you're going to bring anything back, bring that back I reckon. Yeah, but imagine the NHS waiting list. I reckon. Yeah, but imagine the NHS waiting list.

Don't go private for your dildos. If you have a shred of belief in this country's institutions. I like that we got from that to dildos pretty swiftly. Sorry. Family show, everyone. Can I just say, this seems like a great month to be in Britain. Well yes I mean it is generally a historic time, it's been a f***ing long time. Are you in the five stages of election yet Andy? Do you know what they are?

So there's denial, it's not next month is it? Anger, I feel like Brenda from Bristol. Do you remember her? What are you doing, Theresa? She was great. Bargaining, is there a party I actually like? Depression, f*** it, we're already out of the EU. Acceptance, I'm voting Labour. Thanks pretty much.

I'm not familiar with all the betting laws in your country, but I'm just curious. Well, that actually puts you in prime position to run for office for the conservative party. I know about That's the only qualification Now is there a way to place a bet on how many people will bet on this election? in the government Well, I'm not sure I mean But it is a bit of yes, I mean, I might say, it was a surprisingly well-founded bet, weren't they, on the surprisingly early date of the surprisingly early election.

So you can see why suspicions might have been aroused as they said. Michael Gove, God rest his soul, if it is ever located. Michael Gove, talking about this, he said there's the perception that we operate outside the rules that we set for others. And he compared this betting scandal with the Partygate and this perception that the government operates outside the world. And unfortunately for Gove, I mean, we do, I think,

have too much based on perception in politics, but unfortunately for Gove, that perception is entirely based on reality. Yeah. So it's a tricky one, isn't it? It's got that vibe that says, like, if you went away, that he'd look after your girlfriend, like for a few weeks, then tries to slipper the tongue. It's got that sort of vibe.

Someone went, oh. It's got the vibe of someone, Will Smith is investigating for being an alien in Men in Black. Every time I see a picture of Michael Gove, I assume his face is going to open and an old alien is going to be steering his body There is no practical difference Been in a bookies feel similar to the polling booth though, isn't it? It's just a small pencil piece of paper and inevitable feeling of disappointment Yeah, I mean I last I actually spoiled my ballot paper because I love democracy so much.

I really spoiled it. I took it out for dinner, went to a jazz club, folded it into an origami flamingo and floated it past parliament on the Thames. So Tiff, so what are the bets do you think we should be looking at now? Because obviously, you know, it matters more when there's money on it, evidently. Yes. And please gamble responsibly, particularly if you are a close personal advisor of the Prime Minister. I feel like we should get ideas on this, but one that I had was

what would be the next food or beverage to be launched at Farage? Because we had the milkshake, but I sort of hoped that, I secretly hoped that it was a breast milkshake due to Farage's obsession about women breastfeeding in public, but I think that would be a waste of what they call liquid gold. So it's very unlikely. I'm gonna say 16 to one on a cabbage,

two to one on a Great British pint, four to one on a bread roll. Once again, someone at one of these live shows has attempted to bread roll me, which is obviously in of itself very funny. For people not familiar, I was bread rolled at a gig and I discussed it on The Bugle and then wrote an 80 minute standoff show about it. So I think it's fair to say I got my money's worth. Unfortunately, and this is said with nothing but love to the listenership of this podcast. None of you are physically capable Of getting a bread roll Anywhere near the stage at the size of venues. We are now booking out

Listen I love you all but often a comedy podcast will build an audience in its image, and as such you've been built in our image and none of you are what we call physical specimens. And a 20 to 1 on a paper boat which you'll try and personally stop. That's my last one for that. Also my other one idea for a bet is chance of Rishi ruining an item of clothing you previously enjoyed. That three to one that he may ruin something by Prada or a pair of Adidas trainers or just you know anything, anything, anything that he wears. So yeah but I don't know if others have ideas. Well I mean what would you give me on the next thing being thrown at Nigel Farage being Anything that he wears. So yeah. But I don't know if others have ideas?

Well, I mean, what would you give me on the next thing being thrown at Nigel Farage being an inflatable Vladimir Putin sex doll? Just to see how he reacts. Immediate boner. I mean, I'm sorry. I think we know this. It's immediate boner. He'll have his trousers down faster than you can say, Nigel, please.

How can you even find it anymore? Andy, I just read something as visitor called the contract of the reforms. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. And it basically says they're going to spend 140 billion pounds. And so if he does that, at some point

he'll have to come to the country and say we have no money. It's sort of like one of your great novels you guys have from the 1700s, where the patriarch of some landed gentry goes and tells the son, you have to become a clerk in India, because I've lost everything to fornication in French brothels, betting heavily on cock fights and investing in palanquins as a means of rapid transit. Well, the bugle is well known for being entirely representative of the electorate of the UK as a whole, so maybe he's not doing quite as well. The Ukraine comments this week essentially saying that the West provoked Putin,

not really in tune with the modern trend for perpetrator blaming. The former conservative defense minister Tobias Elwood said Churchill will be turning in his grave. Well to be honest looking at the state of the Conservative Party in the nation as a whole I think Churchill is just in a permanent spin cycle now. Given some of Winston's other views the sight of me and Anavab on a stage is probably sending him into a bit of a spin. Is the Manifesto for Reform just a picture of the cliffs of Dover? Well in fact with the word white written on them. Well in fact interestingly white cliff of Dover was the average Brexit voter. Cliff of Dover was the average Brexit voter.

That is one of my all-time favorite Zoltzman jokes. I feel the same way as Taylor Swift fans will be when she plays Shake It Off. I feel like if I had a lighter I'd have it in the air right now. Can I just very quickly say on Winston Churchill, I know that he was a big empire lover, wonderful man. He also said, he also said a lot of very clever things. One of them was the average argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter. But one of the most interesting things about him is, of course, there's a lot of

people who don't agree with his empire policies, and one of the things that are being argued is statues, right? We need to remove statues. Now, where I live in Calcutta, behind my house, there's a massive statue of Winston Churchill. And while all of you are arguing about statues, in India, people have forgotten about the empire. We have no idea what statue it is, so we're repainting it. And recently, the massive statue of Winston Churchill became decrepit, the plaque had fallen down, no one had any idea, so some feral youth went there and repainted the whole thing and put up a new plaque and under it it said, fat Englishman who liked his curry. Which seems like an apt description of Winston Churchill. Farage on Putin said this, I said I disliked him as a person but admired him as a political

operator because he's managed to take control of running Russia. Now I do think you have to ask questions about exactly how he is running Russia. The same way when people used to say, or Stalin used to get the trains to run on time, you think, well, exactly where were those trains going? Yeah, I've got a five-year planner. It doesn't mean that I think his ideas were good. I'm thrilled that at last he said something that would draw the condemnation of the two major parties because if they imitated what he said

about Russia the way they do about what he says about immigration we'd have been in a situation where Keir Starber and Rishi Sunak would have been saying things like well I think we can all agree that Putin has lovely big muscles and the British people want to see pictures of him shirtless. That's what they want to see on the rise. It's sort of an embarrassment that this is the final thing. And that's because he's finally said something that affects white people. So at last Nigel Farage has crossed the threshold of unacceptability in British politics.

Right, we are going to get our bugle manifesto off the ground here, obviously cabinet of the beauty shadow cabinet still. I thought do you think if if all the other parties pulled out and we ran against the Tories I think we'd have quite a good chance. Right I'm gonna start off, Chris is gonna keep keep notes on what's gonna be in the manifesto and we'll we'll finish it at the end of the show. So firstly, I would like the House of Lords to be replaced with a bucket of eels. Jellyed or...?

No, live. Sorry, the Londoner. Just popped out there, went, no, we put them in jelly. And a guaranteed place in the top 50 of the world tennis rankings for all primary school children. Which is unachievable, it's the kind of promise you can throw around when you don't think you're going to get in power. So right, Anivab, what have you got to put in our mouths? Well, a few things Andy, tish, tish. Number one, I think all controversial empire people statues around London should be replaced overnight with statues of Bruce Lee.

Right, okay. Some Bruce Lee fact. It's a very disturbing gentleman. I think I would recommend Paddington for British Foreign Minister. Okay. Anubhav, I'm sorry to tell you this and I didn't want to have to be me that told you, but unfortunately Paddington Bear is on a plane to Rwanda. I'm sorry you had to find out on stage in front of these people, but unfortunately that

filthy Peruvian hippie had to go. Things really started when he was filming that thing with the Queen in the Jubilee Summer. I think the trouble really started when he said, are you still single? I mean technically he could do it, you don't even have to be an MP anymore. You just need to wang on about Harry Potter, misquote it, try and dodge some speeding fines. That's the best kind of way to get into foreign secretary Paddington for Rwandan foreign ministers. A couple of other things I'd set up a committee to investigate what exactly is in the vegetarian Sunday roast. I'm a fan of it I just don't want to know what's in it. And finally Alan Partridge for Prime Minister. Okay. He basically is. I don't know if you've seen Sunak on the campaign trail, but it is Partridge-ian.

Tiff? Oh, do you want all of them or just one? Well, give us a couple and we'll come back some more later. Okay, so firstly I'd like to set up a charity with a hotline for people who have been affected by watching the Rishi Sunak and his wife videos. I don't think I'm on that OnlyFans channel. What's up? What's up? How did we even told you about OnlyFans?

I think you did, Nish. Do you both think it's some sort of a cricket website? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I direct you to Only Fans and Horses? Which is just nude pictures of Del Boy, but it comes with a trigger warning. Very good. First part, first part. Thank you.

So at that point of the show, I wish I had just a bit of the cushion of a snooker table and a cue that I could just gently tap it like that. I would also say abolish self-service machines because they come over here from China, they take our jobs, and I don't speak that language, that HTML, Java, bollocks, whatever it is they talk. Get them abolished, mate. Oh, Hotties from History to be made a national holiday. Right, oh, I know that. Yeah, yeah.

With a different hottie each year that we celebrate. And then we all have to dress up as said hottie from history. All right, that's a nice, for longer term bugle, this one, we might remember the Hotties from History section, which was, well, that's a nice... For longer term bugle listeners, you might remember the Hotties from history section, which was... That was probably before you even joined, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, we got rid of that filth when I joined. Yeah, so when is Florence Nightingale's birthday?

Just people from the past who want to bang, basically. Cleopatra! Coming at ya! Colby! Very specific reference. 12th of May I can recommend. That's Florence Nightingale's birthday. Florence Nightingale more like. Nish, what have you got for the bugle manifesto? All campaign donations have to be made in cash and delivered in a briefcase.

Because if we're going to essentially function with a political system based around bribery by oil companies, we should at least get to see it in physical form. Cayman Islands get a vote in our elections. We have so much of our aristocracy's money stashed there, it doesn't seem fair that they don't get a say in how we run our country. And instead of spoiling ballots you should be able to draw a cock and balls and those should count in the total vote. So at the end of every constituency they have to announce all of the names of the amount

of votes they got and then they go and then there's the cock count. And although the only concern with that is I do believe if the Coq count wins, that means legally Boris Johnson would become Prime Minister again. So maybe scratch that one from the record. Nish, can I just say, you just mentioned the Indian elections. I think I want to live in India as well. Can I just be honest, the bread rolls are better there. I say Nish Kumar statue.

Let's go alongside the Bruce Lee one. Let's put a statue of me up and we'll take out most of the conservative voter base from heart attack induced shock. Another thing for the bugle manifesto, voting should be weighted so that the value of your vote should be in inverse proportion to your age. So the older you are, the less your vote counts. No, we actually have... Obviously you'll have to factor in expected life expectancy, so I mean, it might not work for parts of Scotland, but look, I think... LAUGHTER

MUSIC PLAYS Let's just look a little bit more about the extent to which the conservatives are going to have their arses handed to them on a series of plates. It does feel like this is a potentially momentous moment in this. The two-party control of British politics that's basically been fixed for nearly 100 years could be coming to an end. It could be. The concern is who is going to step into that void?

Will it be the Liberal Democrats, a political party who seem to have organized all their campaign events with the co-production of a Japanese game show? Because for some reason every single Liberal Democrat event involves the leader Ed Davey slipping into a big puddle whilst wearing protective equipment. It truly is the total wipeout of political campaigns. It's a knockout, isn't it? Look, it's a step up from the last time they revealed their manifesto. I don't know how many people remembered this, but they were trying to get the youth vote.

So the Lib Dems revealed their manifesto in a nightclub. Now remember this, with bottles of WKD going round, dropping them to Big Fish, Little Fish cardboard box. So it's a step up from there, I guess. You know, I have to say, I love the words liberal Democrat. You know, it's exactly the words a progressive 2024 democracy should have, right? It sounds like flat white. It's got two words that sound like, yes, I'll have that. I mean, if they were called the

provincial monarchists, they'd have a lot less love. Flat white is actually also the conservatives' Tory key voter demographic. Interesting, the key voter groups in this election, according to the syphologists, obviously following Mondao Man, Aldi Woman, Billy and his Mum, that goes back to the 1930s, Lindo Man, that goes back even further. This you've got hospice gran. Golf skeptic step-on, who prefers yogurt to heavy metal, bit niche. Furious Gerald and Leeds Rhino. Can I just say I can never be accused of being a flat white and that is a joke about my boobs.

It's okay for you to laugh. Look how uncomfortable this audience is, right? Andy, all of those voter groups sounded like you were reading my Twitter mentions. I mean the opinion polls, I should say they are just opinion polls and opinion polls are not always, to me an opinion poll is like ex-wives, they're not always the most objectively reliable source of information but if ten of them are saying the same thing, possibly something in it and possibly you've got to look in the mirror as to how it's reached that point. Just a quick question for you guys.

Now all these mistakes that you're accumulating for the Tory party and how they're campaigning, these are only mistakes if you're trying to win. Yes. I'm reminded of the movie producers. Well, I mean, even Sunak could lose his seat, apparently, according to the polls. And I mean, look, he's had a... It's a tough job. He's had a tough job. He's not so much standing on the shoulders of giants as standing in the buttock-shaped ditch of buffoons. But he could lose his seat.

Penny Morden could lose... He's already gone, isn't he? In the debates, it was amazing because her hair was just getting bigger. The more of her own hot air, she blew into it. Every debate, her hair's got bigger and bigger. And she was... A lot of pointing pointing quite aggressive pointing from More she hasn't learned how to do the politician. I don't even know what it is. It's kind of like half a fist

It's like shit scissor paper stone in it something half like a little wish he was doing a lot of it Maybe it's his wife anyway. I It's the thumb is the penis and the finger is the condom. That's how it works. It's protected pointing. So you don't get manifesto spaffed all over you. Exactly. I just think that's how hedge fund managers

talk to poor people. One of the things, well two of the things that happened during the question time debate that I sort of enjoyed someone questioning Sunak on the National Service kind of going how will you enforce this and he sort of went no driver's license and then when they do it in Europe and suggesting that you would close people's bank accounts if they don't want to. Yeah yeah he offered a lot of things he said a lot of things that they do in Europe to which the obvious answer is that's exactly what we voted

to leave mother I thought you hated Europe and is this do we think as well like because it's so ridiculous is it like an appeal for floating voters that sort of I don't know if I should use the word floating when I talk about reform because they're not a fan but But it could have been more forage if Rishi had announced it in front of the White Cliffs of Dover, wearing a flat cap and tweed waistcoat like an antique roadshow, B**** edition. I almost respect the degree to which they are trying

to alienate young people now. Like it is incredible, suggesting that they do national service and then suggesting that if they don't do it they will face a punishment. It's like it is they really have given up on the idea of anyone under the age of about 70 voting for them. And if they want to alienate young people why stop there? Why not bang TikTok or issue sanctions on Sabrina Carpenter? And yes I did have to google issue sanctions on Sabrina Carpenter and yes I did have to Google that name I have no idea who Sabrina Carpenter is I hope they're not some sort of terrorist I have no idea about Sabrina Carpenter the way that I found that name is I

googled things young people are into and yes that also means I'm on a register Kendrick Lamar is preparing a diss track about me right now. There's a young person there who can't... How old is that person in the third row? The one sitting next to you? No the one sitting... Yeah I'm blatantly not talking about the mum. No offense. Yeah, I'm blatantly not talking about the mum, no offence.

How old is that f***ing fetus there? How old are you? Thirteen! Thirteen is too young to hear some of the things you've heard tonight, my friend. Good lord. Why are you here? You should be on national service! He's probably leaving for Burma tomorrow. Is there not an age limit on this show, Chris?

Clearly not. Anyone younger than 13 in the crowd? This is how policies get enforced in Britain. I'm going to have to add to the manifesto. Listen, if the c*** is good enough, he's old enough. Welcome. How was the show? One of the comedians called a 13-year-old a c***,

but he seemed to be in a friendly way. Chris, if you bleep that, how dare you bleep that? The woke mob! It's a term of the demon in Scotland. Stamping down on my freedom of speech to call children b****s. Get these b****s on national service! It's the Bugle Christmas special. Yeah.

Chris has now run into the audience and given the child what appears to be a brown envelope filled with drugs. He'll be the only one in Burma with a bugle t-shirt. I mean, what do you think could be the next the next sort of anti young people government policy because I mean I like to delve into it I mean killing the firstborn is that is that too much good I mean was King Herod actually just a conservative politician looking at some wonky opinion polls thinking I've got to shore up the gray vote I think that's just a scorched earth there's gonna be

nothing left. Because if Sunak has his way, they'll completely ditch the net zero. That was one of his other sort of things, where actually former Tory MPs are just going, one with a vote for Labour, because he's abandoned this. He's sort of prioritising oil and gas like a middle-aged man at a massage parlour. LAUGHTER a massage parlour. I mean it is, they have so, there's so little for the Conservatives to sell in terms of policy, and broadly their policy just say we'll give you tax cuts, because they've

proved over 14 years that they are so f***ing incompetent that they might as well just give up trying to spend anything and at least let people have a bit of spare money to drink a solitary beer in an empty bath whilst they watch the country decline. I mean in terms of you know what the what Sunak can do I mean he's and a lot of conservatives are warning that a vote for reform is a vote for labor. The problem that they've got is that the flip side of that is that a vote for the conservatives is a vote for the conservatives, and that's really not hitting home with the electorate. So he's not got many clubs in his political golf bag.

Well, essentially, he's got a broken putter, he's got a rusting toilet brush, he's got a toy saxophone and a frozen cobra emerging from a coma. Those are his clubs and he's got a whack of 250-yard shot into the wind onto a tricky green and the ball is in a bunker behind the tree next to a crocodile and his own caddy is saying,

I'd just fucking give up if I were you. I'd fucking give up. And by the looks of him he's never played golf in his life in terms of what they've said I mean it doesn't really matter what's in the Conservative Manifesto really because I mean if they simply said in their manifesto if it all it was was just saying we are going to cook one omelette then on the basis of the past 14 years I think most voters would assume it will end up with a pile of dead then on the basis of the past 14 years, I think most voters would assume it will end up with a pile of dead chickens

in the middle of a burned out kitchen. And based on current polling, it's not even certain they'd be able to beat the egg. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. Listen to the reaction as the paying audience hears what the closest thing to resembling an actual joke they've heard all evening. In terms of labour niche, I don't know... Well actually, if we could just edit that down, that's absolutely perfect.

In terms of labour... But that seems to be enough. I mean, I think mainly the sort of labour vibe has been to say nothing, do nothing and offer nothing. There is a sense that Keir Starmer's caution has manifested itself in his voice because his voice permanently sounds like someone holding in a fart for fear of shitting themselves and at a certain point he is gonna have to let one rip and live with the consequences otherwise he's gonna get a f***ing hernia. Well they are widening the windfall tax so I guess that fits aren't they? I mean they've said six and a half thousand teachers in key subjects by which I assume they mean six and a half thousand drama teachers

because that is the only thing that should be taught in schools to kids of by which I assume they mean six and a half thousand drama teachers because that is the only thing that should be taught in schools to kids of your generation just should be drama it's the only skill you need the ability to pretend that you're living happy and fulfilled working lives and will ever own your own home no no no I've seen Mad Max we should be teaching them hand-to-hand combat and driving with Nicholas Holt attached to the front of the car. Oh how to play a guitar that's also got fire coming out of the... Yeah exactly right I've seen your future and it stars Tom Hardy. Actually there is one thing that they've said they're gonna do

they're gonna tighten, Labour said in their manifesto they're gonna tighten the taxation of non-DOMs, which I feel is unfair because why should submissives pay more? So you've had your election, Anubhav, and Narendra Modi is back in, but not quite as convincingly as was expected. Only got 36% of the vote. And there was an article on the BBC website saying, will this turn Modi into a humbler leader? Now, Modi and humility, those are words that have traditionally

gone together like penguin and hot weather altitude training or hammerhead shark and pole vault. So what impact do you think this will have on him and India? Well, you know, he was so confident of winning that he gave an interview where he said he didn't think he was naturally born, that divinity was involved. So I think if I have to explain this to you, you know, I'll have to explain the Indian elections not through me, but the voice of God that will speak through me. And we've got 130 million gods, so my accent will change as we go along. So he's had two previous landslide victories, right? And this time, he finished campaigning

and went off to a remote cave in the Himalayas, saying, job done. I want to meditate. And then I'll come back and have 400 seats, or whatever he wanted. And because meditation is so deeply personal a journey for him, and it gives him solitude and nirvana. He carries an entire social media team with him, along with drone cameras to capture

footage of him meditating, much like the Buddha would have done. So very quickly, India's parliament is 542 seats. He was hoping for 400 plus. He came back down from the mountains. And he had plans to do fun things That he's learned from his friends. Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping like make elections every 15 years Remove the word secular from the Constitution Turns out he was not sent by divine providence

He's like the rest of us. He won 260 seats out of 542 and With allies he can still form the government, but very soon, you soon, I think Mr. Modi will be like the rest of us. He'll be drinking and ending up at a Punjabi roadside eatery at 2 AM demanding a Jal Frasy and shouting obscenities at passing fancy cars. And finally we'll all be able to relate. He said in an interview with NDTV, I'm convinced that God has sent me for a purpose and when that purpose is finished, my work will be done. Surely we

can get the technology to have someone paint themselves blue and pop into his room at night and go, Narendra, you're done. Just call it. It's truly been a bad result for the man who puts the Hindu into the phrase He makes me ashamed to be a Hindu They're asking if the coalition will turn him into a Humbler leader, you know, but I think moderate Modi sounds like a diet plan Thirty pounds of useless fat by going on the moderate Modi diet. I mean look, he's a really nice guy. He's a wonderful guy. Actually yeah, I want to go to India. I'm a big fan. Honestly, I think it's really... Whichever recording is going to him, please tell him I said this.

Just quickly on the rest of world democracy. Obviously you've got your American elections coming up, there's the first presidential debate, which I don't think is going to be one of the high points in human discussion for numerous reasons. I mean, just 81 years old against 77 years old, I am not comfortable when any election campaign comes and the ages of the candidates make a snooker frame that has an unusual number of fouls in it. It's too old. In fact, I would go so far as to say, I would rather see a 147-year-old taking

on a newborn baby from this. What a double insult to America to sass their electoral candidates by using a sport that none of them understand. Well that's it buglers, I do hope you enjoyed our live election special. I know you're now saying and thinking one of two things. A. Thank goodness Chris cut the puns. Or B. Where were the puns? Well given this record ran to nearly two and a half hours, the puns have been, shall we say, saved, but they will be released as a bonus episode in this Bugle feed in just a few days time. Boo and or hurray, delete as applicable.

Thank you for listening Buglers. Do find the wonderful works of my wonderful Bugle co-hosts wherever you want on the internet. Book your tickets for my tour show, The Zoltgeist, beginning on the 1st of November, and we will be back with a full Bugle show next week. If you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep this show free, flourishing and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.