The Bugle - Symptomless Blitz: 4087

Episode Date: November 16, 2018

Aliens, Brexit(!!) and Trumpbrella all in focus in a pretty spectacular live Bugle, featuring Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward alongside Andy Zaltzman.With@HelloBuglersFelicity WardNish Kumar@ProducerChrisAnd a cameo from another Bugle host!More episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome to the stage and his ultimate! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Thank you! Cheers! Hello, Bughlers! Cheers!

Welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre for this, the Bughal Live. Here we are in London's glamorous Leicester Square Theatre for this, the Bugle Live. Here we are in London's glamorous Leicester Square region today is... No wonder this country is f***ing... It is Wednesday the 14th of November. It is also another day ticked off in the slow willful self-imulation of humanity and it is also international describing egg day, roundish. I am very good. Good brand recognition. So who here has listened to the bugle before?

And who here has never listened to the bugle? I love these guys. These are always my favorite ones. And, Madam, do you mind if I ask why are you here? Why, why are you here? It's a birthday present for my boyfriend. Oh right, so this is a date essentially. A bugle, that is tantamount of saying this relationship has gone as far as it can possibly go. So happy birthday, how old are you? 29. So hang on, let's just see if we can get the internet going here. So born on the 31st of August, 1989.

So therefore, I think I'm right in saying, conceived around about the start of December, 1988. That's just fine, that what was going on in the world then. So I always thought this was just bullshit. I can't believe you're actually on Wikipedia. Right. It was a major cyclone in Bangladesh that there are 5 million people homeless. The great American rock singer Roy Orbison died of a heart attack. Your parents are fucking animals. LAUGHTER Um...

LAUGHTER This, by which I mean welcome to the show! LAUGHTER Uh, happy birthday. This is the Bugle Live doubling up as issue, 487 of the world's one remaining source of unashamed lies. Uh, all other news outlets pretend to be telling the truth. At least we have the decency and honestly you 487 of the world's one remaining source of unashamed lies. All other news outlets pretend to be telling the truth.

At least we have the decency and honesty to lie to your faces. And we are here in London on Wednesday, the 14th of November, a historic anniversary, because this is the north anniversary of insert, whatever turns out to have happened with the Brexit cabinet shit. When and if it ever becomes clear. And if you can do so without screaming, why, why for f*** sake why? On this day in 1943, a young serviceman on the US Navy destroyer, USS William D. Porter accidentally fired an armed torpedo at the battleship Iowa, which

was not ideal, and it was even less not ideal when you factor in that on the Iowa were A, the president of the United States of America, B, Franklin D. Roosevelt, C, A and B are the same. D, Cordell Hull, the Secretary of State, and E. most of the leading figures in the US military, the Iowa managed to swerve and avoid the torpedo and everyone lived happily ever after. But as mistakes at work go, that could have been the all-time champion for evermore. How has worked today, dear? Oh, not bad. Oh, actually, there was one little

incident. Oh, did you jam paper in the photo copy again, darling? I've warned you about that. No, I blew up the president, my mistake. And wiped out the entire command structure of the American military. Ah, no, they'll dock a Christmas bonus for that, love. It's right up there with the biggest ever workplace errors, including Captain Smith saying, I'll teach that big IC bastard a lesson or two with my unsinkable whoppership. Julia Caesar forgetting to put on his anti-stab jacket into work in 44 BC and God saying, all done on day six and knocking off for the weekend. As always, some sections of the mucle are going straight. Including this week in 1927, in October 1927, in fact just 91 years and a month ago,

the pro celebrity inventor and pigeon obsessive Nicola Tesla announced six new inventions, including the single phase electric motor. I thought that might get you, you know fans of single phase electric motor, say you want to put up the dual phase electric motor, it's a f**king weirdo. To mark this anniversary, we are announcing six new inventions that the bugle is doing on behalf of Tesla, which he would probably have done today, had he not failed at his attempts to invent the Nick Tez electronic personal home immortality cubicle with anti-clog popping technology and instead died in 1943. So our six new inventions to mark the 91st and a bit anniversary of Tesla's six inventions. Number

one, the Groovey, the ultimate in bedspreads, a disco-enabled duvet that wakes you up with a gradually loudening selection of bass-heavy funky 70s classics from its inbuilt Bluetooth natural electronic albatross feather filling. The alternating pet, why commit yourself to one type of pet, the Tesla Poo- herbal catapin 3.2 patent pending can be a dog when you want a companionable carnival with house guarding skills, a cat when you want something to drink some milk and then show you its arse, a terrapin just because, and a durable for those times you want to see something scuttling about in a wheel generating electricity for the Nick test time machine that you were given for Christmas in 17 years time. Invention number three, the wireless reverse pulse commitment harver.

Have you said you'll do a series of things and now realizing that you're overrunning and possibly condensing the rest of the show, the commitment harver, using electro-plasmatic photonologiolic slicing technology, disrupts the space-time continuum to expunge 50% of what you've said you'll do from your to-do list, enabling you to just get on with whatever else you have on. I think it was just about worth it, that joke. Now are you ready to meet R2, a Bugle co-host, Sport and A? Good, that could have been an extremely awkward pause that would have seemed a little bit racist. Because firstly, from London, it's the man described by

inaccurate comparison monthly magazine as the thinking woman's Jane Austen, Nyskuma! Hello, Andrew. Hello, Christopher. Hello, Budalus. I'm glad that I'm here. There was an unfortunate admin snafu earlier in the day where I thought this was tomorrow. And the only reason I know it's today is that I got a text from Felicity Ward and also a tweet from someone who I think is here at Liz Wilson NZ who's tweeted me saying looking forward to seeing you tonight and I was like, that is very forward. Because I've got my diary free and that is one of the most confident propositions I've

ever been on the receiving end of. Turns out that, no, it was, you know, and for a lot of people that would have been difficult Andy to immediately adjust to having to do a satirical podcast in the evening, not for me, because I'd spent the preceding 15 minutes before I've received Felicity's text and Liz's tweet, reading about Theresa May's Brexit deal whilst on the toilet. Because that is the kind of guy I am. Also, I'm now only ever going to read about Brexit on the toilet, because it turns out the toilet is the absolute perfect vantage point for reading about Brexit, because you're essentially sat in the fog of a mess of your own making before flushing the whole thing down the drain.

Proper three dimensional satire. Three dimensional fecal satire. I am and hear this on every level the shit John Oliver. Who? Secondly, oh well, you've already heard who it's going to be. On this year's team, why are you guys always going up on me? Please welcome the wonderful for Lizard the Wall! I don't know how this is supposed to work because I can't see anyone here. But then this way I've just got arrested on my tits. For the people listening at home I'm talking about the computer and I don't think that

clears anything up. I mean, foolishly that looks like an unwinnable war between laptop and physics that's going on. My nickname is spill up, by the way, so I look forward to breaking the most expensive piece of equipment that I own in my house. Right, it's time for Top Story this week! The aliens are coming! This is very exciting news. In fact, they may have come and already left, because Irish authorities have investigated a series of UFO sightings, pilots of commercial airliners.

Many of them reported seeing the same thing. A pilot of a BA flight said it was moving so fast, it came up on our left hand side, then re-adv- rapidly to the north. It was a very bright light that disappeared at very high speed. So obviously aliens. It could have been... It could have been the future of the United Kingdom.

It could have been the soul of the USA. It could have been the ghost of the USA, it could have been the ghost of democracy future. Who knows? More likely aliens taking one look at this planet and thinking, not now. Not now. Not now. Nisha, I mean, if you were an alien,

come into this planet now, would you stick around? I mean, absolutely not. But I mean, I think we should all be very worried about this, because as it is, we've got enough problems with Brexit, dealing with the Irish border on land. Now, we've got to worry about the Irish border with space. This alien visit could f*** the entire thing. It's just a shame, because before the aliens, it was all going so well. What really concerns me about this is that in the article it says the spokesman

added it was unlikely to be aliens, fine, but the thing that really concerned me was that he added from another planet. Now, does that mean that there are already aliens living here? If there are, I think we can all agree, Mitch McCollum and Nigel Farage, those two fucking people are not human. I've spent most of this afternoon staring at their faces after I've done my Brexit shit, and there is some kind of humanoid, reptilian thing at work there.

And let's not forget Michael Gove. He can't clap mate. That's a giveaway, that's classic alien giveaway. It's like, oh, clap, what are you doing with your hands? He's like the guy in Men and Black who's skin suit doesn't fit on properly. I mean, that is a very specific rep. I love Men and Black. And the tragic thing about Men and Black is that if it were made now, the least realistic thing would be the branch of the federal government had a positive attitude to immigrants and also had a high-ranking employee who is a black man.

Is anyone here, do you? Your crowdwork is as sharp as it's ever been, that was me. But, if we're assuming that the aliens had come to Britain, and he's on the evidence of this week, no great surprise that they have in layman's terms f***ed right off again. Presumably, they looked at Britain and thought, oh, we've read that this was once a great global imperial power. A nation with everything needed to be happy, successful and harmonious,

and now appears to be tearing itself apart like a ham-loving pig. LAUGHTER And now, as we speak, a truly one of the worst Jews of all time. With its own movie, Hammerball. Thank you. Thank you. Only six people in Nishin join that, and I'm one of the six. Thank you, thank you so much. So as we speak, and we're recording this on Wednesday, Theresa May is locked in the cabinet meeting,

sorry, I miss off the word, locked in the cabinet. I assume she's just locked herself in a filing cabinet, to be honest. It's very exciting, isn't it? Waiting for this, the news of this deal to come out. It's like, excitedly waiting to unwrap your presence at Christmas, wondering if Santa has bought you a box of steaming wolf shit or a flagger of still warm crocodile vomit or an

exploding gerbil or a combination of all three or a commemorative Boris Johnson figurine of all three, or a commemorative Boris Johnson figurine, that shits wolfshit, pukes crocodile chunder, and then explodes in a flurry of sawdust and half digested seeds. That's what we're looking at. Are you excited about the deal? Let's do a quick straw poll here of the audience for the Bugle podcast at the Leicester Square Theatre in London's Leicester Square district. Give me a cheer if you voted leave and give me a cheer. Honestly, honestly, you were more likely to have found an alien. Give me a cheer if you voted remain. Who would have thought it?

A podcast recording with a post it by a lefty comedian, best known for his, only known for his podcast. Yeah and your guests are an Australian woman and the chocolate warrior. Or as I say about my husband, a foreigner and someone that looks like a father. What you're saying there's a difference? Why were we not told this before the referendum? One of the many things we were not told. Nish, we've got any updates for us from the beginning. Yeah, I do actually, there is genuinely breaking news as we're on stage. Theresa May has, shout herself to death.

No, no. This is the first time I've ever felt aligned with her. I really understand that. I have irritable bowel syndrome. She's just given a statement. As we're recording, she just out a downing street and has said She she kept she said that there's gonna be a press conference of 5 p.m. And as emerged two hours later And you're like you're not Lauren Hillmate. No one is gonna wait that long for your bullshit

But she has said that the cabinet has now agreed a draft Brexit with Dorault agreement Right so she's gonna present it to Parliament tomorrow, but she said that they've agreed it. Now, just to be clear, even if they have agreed it, this is only half of what we need to do. The other things that we need to do, I'll replace all of the EU laws that currently help govern our country and also make

trading agreements with the EU. So we are not even half-way done, and it is almost, also, they have had as of Saturday, it will be 876 days since the Brexit vote. I don't know what they've been f***ing doing that we are in a position where they are not finished. Just to give you some context for that, in 876 days, you could have completed the principal photography on the Lord of the Rings trilogy twice. I'm not saying that you'd done the effects, that took another year per film in post-production. So you'd be left with a lot of footage of Andy Circus in a green onesie and Sarron being

played by a massive tennis ball. But you'd still have done principal photography in a time in which we have done the square root of f***ing Premiere foods apparently started stockpiling provisions that the owners of Bisto and their stockpiling raw materials Due to fears of what may happen after Brexit gridlock. So what we basically have here is a symptomless blitz have here is a symptomless blitz. Which is genius in a lot of ways, isn't it? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. I think we only just start hunkering down under shelters and just... I think they're very clever because if Brexit carried out, the one thing that will properly tip the UK over the edge, so mate, no, do you need... I don't know what it is, symptomless blitz, is that?

Don't apologise, you're laughing mate, it's beautiful. He's like the words worth of bullshit. It's like the words worth of words. I just think it's very clever stockpiling bestow because if we all go insane once Brexit is actually happened, the one thing that's going to tip us over the edge is a f***ing gravy shortage. Like if you can't have gravy

after Brexit, what is the point of leaving the EU? Also, you never stockpile things for a good reason. No. No one's like, what are you up to? I'm stockpiling beers for my house party. No one's going to tell you to stockpile season's greetings for Christmas. To reason my more breaking news has said that the withdrawal agreement is a decisive step enabling the UK to move. I'm very similar to the decisive step that Captain Oats took.

LAUGHTER See, went for his little wander. I'm laughing at that, but I have no idea what that means. I just thought I'd do a shout out for any dumb f**ks in the audience like me. Hey! Represent! Didn't go to uni, no surprises there. Well, see, the thing you've got here, Philisties, that you are Australian. I mean, you don't need to say that like a burn.

No, no, yeah. So, yeah, look at burn. Yeah, the tone on the world, Australian, suggested, even if you had got to university in Australia, you would have been a talented equivalent. I think what we've learned is sort of different in the way we look at our country's history, because Australia tends to only look back on the triumphs, whereas we in Britain, we like to remember our incompetences.

And Captain Oates was part of a Scots expedition to the Antarctic that got a credible silver medal Unfortunately then indulged in a fatal lap of honor around Antarctica Well look, I don't want to pay top trumps here, but one of our prime ministers drowned and we didn't look for and so You can take it... Show it up. ...to the Antarctic, good for you. That's what a winning culture you've got. He's obviously a loser if he can't swim back to shore.

Didn't our Captain Oats make all the urserial that we're now stockpiling? Chris has started bringing his own puns to Buglegate! What the f***? I was going to say a lot of people... I just grabbed the lesson. I was like, it's going to be a long fucking night for you. It's been a, I mean you look, it's been a bad couple of, another bad couple of weeks for

Brexit news. So there's been, there was some developments last week when the Brexit Secretary Dominic Robbe revealed that he, quote, hadn't quite fully understood the extent of the reliance on Dover by the United Kingdom. Now, as an island, you would have thought that would be pretty f**king crucial in promotion. Dominic Robbe has been being praised. In the Guardian today, they reported that he's quite well thought of in Brussels, because they said he's been in a Sidious Brexit Secretary, noted in London in Brussels for taking a more active approach than the generally laissez-faire David Davis.

Lassez-faire, of course, a common French expression meaning lazy. Right? But if I'm completely honest with you, I'm not surprised that Dominic Robb didn't know about the importance of David, because I have actually had a run in with Dominic Robb when I met him on question time and he thought I was Gina Miller's brother. So Dominic Robb can't tell Asians apart. Why on earth would he, if he'd been invited round to my aunt's house last Sunday for Diwali or as he calls it, Ramadan, there would have been, there would have been all sorts of confusion

that he'd been walking up to every single person saying nice to meet you, Nish, before eventually exclaiming, well, I give up, this is basically like trying to find a brown needle in a chocolate haste. Could we just go back for a second? People have been watching a door for two hours tomorrow. Yes, we do. And I just don't think we touched on that enough people have watching

it for each of the door which is still less wooden than watching Theresa May's But what do you think took us so long you reckon she just couldn't remember the moves to Macarena And she's like, I'm gonna have to polish this turn somehow Or maybe just finally her whole teeth fell out You know how she looks like she's just trying to keep her mint? Like she's got two loose dentures at all times, and she's just trying to style it out. Like, I don't know if you know the show Mr. Ed, but it was an American show, and I'm not comparing her to a horse at all, I know they're very sexist, but what they used to do is they used to give him molasses or peanut butter.

They used to give it to chimpanzees, too. So their mouths would move in Hollywood films, so then they could voice over. What if they've just given Theresa a whole bunch of peanut butter and she's trying to keep the dentures in while someone's throwing their voice from another road. Am I wrong? There's always a country that is even more f***ed than us, so let's... Let's turn... You let's say, you let's say, you let's say, you let's say, you were sick, you were sick, you were sick. Miss your official Donald Trump Correspondent.

Yeah, that's why I've aged 50 years in the last two years. Yep, that's right. The man who puts the white nationalist into the phrase the president of America is a white nationalist. Has had a very, very tricky couple of weeks. It started badly for tax avoidances man of the century when he lost, saw the Republican party lose their majority in Congress. Then he gave a press conference

which devolved into a shouting match and then he missed a remembrance day event in France due to it raining. Now, that sounds really shocking, but what you have to understand is Donald Trump is a Gremlin. You don't get him wet, you don't feed him after dark, and you don't expose him to bright lights. It's all fucking... Imagine how disrespectful it would have been if he'd bitten Emmanuel Macron.

I think a lot of people would have just thought, yeah, that stacks up. Then you'd have a parade of people on television being like, well, maybe this is a refreshing way of approaching politics, just biting other world leaders. Just let them fight it out, mate. Let them fight it out. Okay, tie it and come to a policy soon. He was very, Trump was very adamant in the lead up to the midterms about the caravan of migrants.

That was the big sort of fear phrase that he used. And apparently they've disappeared now. It's all fine. But I was just thinking about it. The caravan really is the least respected form of transportation, isn't it? It's like there's a lot of discrimination against the caravan. Like the penny-farthing of migrants doesn't carry the same threat. I understand. And I just don't know what's so terrifying about a portable house. and like the penny farthing of migrants doesn't carry the same threat. I understand and I just don't know what's so terrifying about a portable house.

I don't know if it's the difficulty in reverse parking or I just, is it the freedom ironically? I don't know. It's like a cordless vacuum cleaner. I could clean anywhere anyway. I just think about it. And many of the caravan of migrants, which sounds like a very real Ewok movie, it made the journey on foot from Honduras, which is nearly 3,000 miles away. And I was just thinking, I hope at least one of them has a fit bit. You know, can you imagine you'd be so smart, you're like, yeah, I've done nine million steps this week, actually.

What was puzzling about this though, was there a pit to be no contingency plan for if it rained? Yeah. Yeah. That is the correct response. Yeah, I mean, Donald Trump is essentially a British train, like... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah, Donald Trump is essentially a British train, like... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

This... It's absolutely no way of making in function if the weather does anything. LAUGHTER Well, I'm not... I mean, cos you think they always have a contingency plan. This is what I'll be a previous bit from the wise that there's always a contingency plan,

which makes me think they had a contingency plan, and that would be worse, which makes me think the contingency plan was for Donald Trump to parade around a World War One cemetery urinating on soldiers grace Celebrating I think is the third you're looking what in it Sarah soreness would have come out and fronted up the world's press to explain He was merely fertilising the flowers on those graves and all that the president's wee wee is magic so um Well, there was look there was zero visibility and his chopper couldn't fly,

and then the motorcade would have added to the traffic. And then, apparently, there was an Uber price surge. So, like, I get it. And as someone who's here does respond badly to Reyn as well, Andy, you will have this, I can see. I'm the same hair as Andy. I've just got I'm the same hair as Andy. I've just got some in the middle.

I understand not wanting to go out into the rain, but there is a product that I've been using for a couple of years called an umbrella. And it's really quite effective. I don't know if you saw the two things. Obviously, Donald Trump went on to Twitter. And he does these really long Twitter threads that go for they go I don't know for like five or six and every time I'm on there I'm like, why doesn't he just get a word press account like Start a blog mate. It's fine and he went on this big rant. God bless you. He went on this big rant

I'm very courteous Even in the middle of a rant it won't happen God won't bless him or God's off duty. It's a lovely gesture but anyway carry on. So British this is futile. Here he comes the worst deal of all time. Surely that was Jesus. I mean just in terms of in terms of if you just measure it purely in terms of adverse effect on market share, Jesus is going to be very, very hard to be. I'm not saying he was a bad man, I'm saying he was, historically, a bad Jew.

Not good for the brand. No, exactly not. What was odd there with Trump said he didn't want to disrupt traffic in Paris. We think of all the things he has disrupted, for example, the entirety of international politics. And the US legal system, but traffic, no. Traffic, absolutely not.

He tweeted, um, make France great again, which is, is not, you know how they say make America great again and they shorten it to Maga. MFGA is just not as catchy and it just sounds like a drunken swear word. I am a f***er. So yeah, he tweeted, make France great again, or as it would be translated into French. Ah oui, bien, si, eh, ni peut-être, vu-d'encore une fois, transforme la belle-franche jusqu'à dedans, là, ce qu'on flamme, merci, on qui, ça, on crante la ancien, avec la salade,

ni soise, et du foie, gore, gore, très, vraiment magnifique, de buff. Never. Not the most concise of language used to be, for... You still sounded like a French Richie Beno. Every impression you do is got a little bit of Richie Beno and I don't mind it. The best kind of Richie Beno.

I understand that this is not the big Trump news of this week or of any time. But it was big news in my life, for reasons that will become quite quickly apparent. Yesterday, Donald Trump made three attempts to tweet Happy The Vali. Now, first of all, weak light. But it's fine. It's absolutely fine.

The reason he kept having to make attempts is he kept on forgetting to include Hindus in the list of religions that celebrate The Vali, which is quite surprising given that it is a Hindu festival. He kept on tweeting, James, who do celebrate James, Buddhist and Sikhs, happy the Vali, but forgot Hindu, it was a sort of majority people who, and a lot of the Indian friends of mind were very upset about this, I'm actually quite relieved because I would rather

Hindus were not on his radar given how much he loves hamburgers. He would probably consider our attitude to beef an act of holy war. Like, I'm perfectly happy for him to think that we're just weird Muslims. I mean, surely you want to be left off any list that Donald Trump is making. Yes, sir. Just some breaking news on Trump, the UN have just launched a new DeKoy country.

Take Trump's attention away from real places. The new DeKoy country, Muslimist arm will be inflated and floated out across the Pacific to provide a new focus for global politics. Have you any more on Trump? Shall we bury that twitching horse? We have milked that pumpkin. Well, that's what we're doing now, how's Harry, you get the juice out of the pumpkin? Feels like that's White House slang at the moment. Forgetting him to give a statement is anyone milk the pumpkin. Now he's coming up seeds, mate, he's just coming up seeds.

That's going to end in a little bit. Nishiora World Democracy Correspondent. I've got a broad grief in the bugle. The Iraqi Prime Minister, Adel Abdul-Muthi, has taken slightly unorthodox approach to staffing his new government, given that he allowed people to just apply online. So just anyone, he's found five people from purely online applications. So it seems like the Iraqi government is now being constructed on monster.com. I mean, maybe this is the future for democracy. We already know it wouldn't work in the case of this country

because if we used any sort of social media, because he used Facebook to make the announcement, if we used any sort of social media, our entire cabinet would be made up of men called Sergei who work in bot farms and St Petersburg. It wouldn't, it would be made up of men called Minister McMinnister Face. LAUGHTER

We can't be trusted. So there's 14 Cabinet members and they're going to be chosen out of the 15,000 applicants, which is still better odds than me getting a f***ing Spice Girls Ticket this week. I'm yelling at someone clapping. It was tough wasn't it? Did you get one? It's tough isn't it? It is shit, man. I don't think either of you fucking people

should have been buying tickets to the Spice Girls. Given that we now know they're alarmingly right wing. They come out in favor of Theresa May and Brexit and as I've consistently maintained, they're the most racist group of all time because they had one black member in their corner scary. I've been very clear, very, very clear that the Spice Girls are a right-wing racist institution. That may be so, but their songs are so catchy. I mean, they've got outfits, they've got dance moves,

come on, niche, get on board. If you die, you'll die dancing. Get on board! If you die, you'll die dancing! Ziggas Ziggal was actually an SS catchphrase. Oh, no. It's the sound of you falling off somewhere, Ziggas. Yeah! I, can you imagine, what makes me really happy about this is just how many prank CVs were sent in? Just so many, just like, all these guys studied at the School of University

and he's got a PhD in your mum. Oh my god. Delicious. What was this PhD in? Your mum. It's pronounced Yemen. Oh, sorry. LAUGHTER For the people who don't like puns, you can stick that New Jacksy. LAUGHTER

Well, I think we have a new catch phrase for the show, for this week. Thank you very much. Stick that in your jacksy. In other global democracy news, exciting times for Ethiopian politics. It's not a topic we've covered a huge amount. No, we've not done a huge amount of Ethiopia. But the anticipation in the room is bubbling at fever pitch. They have their first female president, and the Prime Minister recently appointed a cabinet with half the

post taken up by women. So Felicity, on behalf of your gender, don't f*** it up. But this is all we want. We just want an equal opportunity to fail at a government level, like men have been able to do, you know? That's what I just I just I eat shit in a global level you know but I just not sure women have the right capabilities to be as dysfunctionally incompetent give them a

I know it's an old-fashioned view but but that's just the way I see it. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, what I really liked is that she came out and she said her name's Sally Work Zude. I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that. And she said she's very focused on gender equality and then said to the MPs that if they thought that she was talking too much about women, that she'd only just begun.

And then she just let off an ear horn and pointed to a vagina and said, tell it to the judge. Hi. Oh. Family show. What is it with Australian women on this podcast? Honestly.

It's like we should take an opportunity where we can get it to just celebrate a genuinely good piece of news. Like that's really it. We've been so starved of everything that we're like now we're just anything. Oh great, good. Ethiopia's elected female leader. Oh, good fit.

That's great. Good for them. Good for Ethiopia. I'm just, I'm really looking forward to things for obvious, perhaps obvious reasons. I'm really looking forward for everything to be up ended and in 50 years time for the nations of Africa to invade Britain, to bring democracy, stability and harmony. That is what I'm waiting for, a coalition of all the African nations and India to finally take back control.

What if all the colonies just banded together? That would be so true. And then just turn back to the UK and go, we're going to f***ing bone to pick with you, man. I've got to be honest with you, I're going to fucking bone to pick with you, man. I've got to be honest with you. I know I was born here, and I'm British. I'll turn on you white s**t in a second. LAUGHTER

That is... The BBC's Ms. Pooner. LAUGHTER And... I just lied, I've tweeted that actually. I mean, I'm just written down in a newspaper with no context. I just lied, I've tweeted that actually. I will turn on you f**ks in a second. I believe the phrase was white. Sorry, sorry mate.

That was rude of me. Oh, I regret nothing. No. No. Ah. Ah. Right, we're going to have a quick audience Q and A now. Let's try and avoid historical figures you'd like to kill. You do kill.

Here comes Chris with the... Do you have any questions for the panel today? I can tell you that the moment Nish has four points and Felicity has five points. Ha ha! Oh, here you go. How are you guys? Well, how are you?

Yeah, we're good. Was that your question? Was that it? Was that it? Next question. That was it, yeah. Oh, that was it. That was it. That was genuine question. That was it, yeah. Oh, that was it. That was it.

That was genuine, yeah. That was it. I think we need to, we need to, we need to. That is a, that is a spectacular piece of Olympic level trolling of Chris from that one. I mean, sometimes it's really hard to know what you're going to keep in the show and what you're going to cut. But I mean, maybe it's me.

Excuse me, excuse me. But listen, as I home, Chris had to walk about 17 miles to get to that room anyway. Bit of a concerning seat in position. Chris is currently starting to do my parents. I mean, I'm in the family zone right now. APPLAUSE Speaking of strong women looking at niche disappointingly...

LAUGHTER I'm currently sat in the row with my parents, Speaking of strong women looking at niche disappointingly. I'm currently sat in the row with my parents, niches, parents and sandwiched between them is Alice Fraser. How you doing? It's nice that we have a family box. It makes people live recordings like Wimbledon. Was that your question? That's worse than the guy at the back. I cannot believe Chris saw Alice's hand go up and didn't anticipate exactly what was about that. We finish. We finish. news from a disappointing night for the impressionists at Sotheby's.

They had an auction impressionist versus modern artists, another riveting late second millennium Derby. If you don't know what's coming, you're in for a very, very tricky three to 67 minutes. Some of the top impressionists are Edgar Dago and Edwaw Mano failed to hip-top form and end up sulking and unsolved on the bench at the end of the auction and the Isterielus manager, Giuseppe Lipsichi, did not spare his star players from criticism. He said, Edgar and Edwaw are big stars, but they've got to produce on the biggest stage.

When the likes of René Magrita shifting Serielus' ship for 27 mil, you've got to respond with something a bit more inventive than another f***ing duck pond. Um... likes of René Magrita shifting Cerela ship for 27 mil, you've got to respond with something a bit more inventive than another f***ing duck pond. Um. So take that, Monight. Now, um, uh, Batchyard, um, you don't believe this, but, um, you know, of course you've got a,

you wouldn't. I've got a friend who's a modern artist, who's obsessed with it. And he's workspan's many of the leading genres of modern art from the late 90s century onwards. And once he was actually doing a painting of roosting birds in a kind of, uh, Vincent van Gogh style. birds from the 19th century. He wanted me to post impressionists. Post impressionists? Oh.

Anyway, he went to see... The bow is so long. It's so long. He went to see an exhibition of Picasso and George Brak paintings. He told me he was so excited. He camped outside the gallery for three days to make sure he got in. He was South African, my friend. He said, Andy, it's the longest I've ever waited in line for anything. I'll set a new personal cubist. Cubist. Cubist. Cubist. Can I just point out? I know for a fact, you are family from South Africa. And that accent was worse than Leonardo DiCaprio's in Blood Diamonds. Anyway, he started wearing fake t-shirts, he called them fovists. He opened

a new gallery, I said to many people come in, he said there weren't many locals but a futurist. He got parasites in his hair from all the strain, he treated it by buying a very expensive hat. I said, well how's that going to get rid of them? And he said, well, it's 99% psychological. You have to make them so overwhelmed by what an amazingly stylish person you are. They leave your head. You've got to impress your nits. Impressions. You know, it's a huge, great essay, ranting about how six packs are overrated. He called it his abstract. Anyway, he was a ton of, you know, his favourite half of an all-dewish singer

songwriter drew a revolutionary 19th century battlefield nurse. He said, what, you're saying Garfunkel met Nightingale? So, yeah, Art Newflow. Anyway, tommorow. This run is the end of art. I told you. It told me that next year, 10 months from now, two leading Tories are going to have an old fashioned pistol fight to the death at dawn. And it's going to be broadcast on a radio station specialising in low-quality pop music. I said, let me make a note of that, using abbreviations to save time. Now, where are we now, November?

Okay. Conceptual art. Conceptual art? Concept... LAUGHTER I mean... OK, fair point. Err... Now you take their feelings on board. It was, er... It was obsessed with creatures with no legs.

He had loads in his collection, some aquatic, some reptilian, but he got confused about which was which a cancel of my pot and the other... I know some of snakes, I'll write those ones down, and I'll write down the ones that I know for definite. Oh, fish. Good idea, I said. Make a sure-real list.

Sure-real list. Oh! LAUGHTER Dada! APPLAUSE I don't know. Listen. Actually, I... I am aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir aeir a He got a cut, got Carson an advert for Rice Krispie's. He rang me up very excited. I didn't get the role of Snap. They passed me over for Crackle, but don't tell me I said,

they gave you the pop part. Pop part. T. T. T. T. And don't forget, don't forget Friday, the 16th of November is the International Day for Tolerance.

LAUGHTER So, all that is left now, but I've been used to buy my worthless merchandise on the way out. Here'sman. Thanks for the less subscribed here, dude. Goodbye. you