The Bugle - Termites and Populists – Bugle 4088

Episode Date: November 24, 2018

Europe is embracing populism, termites are building megalopolises, men are doing incredible things with their throats, and turkeys are doing their turkey thing.Andy and Alice have the latest on all of this.With@HelloBuglersAlice Fraser@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, bugler! I assume you'll listen to this on your own. If not, it was in French.

It was a silent S on the end. I'm assuming you're fine. Now this is the bugle. Audio newspaper for this quite visibly visual world with me, Addy Zoltzmann, and this week I'm talking to you live from London, we are once again in the St Paul's studio. This week, right here, in sprinting distance to the Domey Shelter or of the Almighty Lord just in case,

the Brett Poccolott's comes early. And I'm joined today by the woman who is to the Bugle, what discussions about whether you would rather catapult Jacob Riesmog or Eric Trump into space are to the world, in other words, far more frequent than was the case even two years ago. It's always brighter. Hello Andy, hello Bueglers.

How's it going? How's it going? Oh, it's so good. I have to say I looked after her the other day to let my brother and his wife go and watch the New Harry Potter movie. And I think my experience was much more realistic than this. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

We are recording. On Thursday, the 22nd of November yesterday the 21st of November marked a hundred years since women were given the right to stand for Parliament in Britain and so we ask has it worked? I mean Brexit? You know Brexit didn't happen when there were any men in Parliament. Interestingly the legislation has been women over at the age of 21, the right to stand for election as an MP, but they weren't able to vote until they were 30. I mean, that is pretty good.

I mean, that's what I want in my life. I just want to be given power without any responsibility. As always, a section of the Bugh vehicle is going straight in the bin. This week, a travel section on the anointed Arab Emirates and we give you travel advice on how to get a great tan in a moral vacuum. And to add to the array of water slides and fairground attractions in the five-star electric hotels of Dubai, we review the exciting new thriller minutes, a Drenlin Pat ride, the Emirati Justice System. In five all-action mind-boggling minutes,

you can plummet from freedom to incarceration so fast. You won't even notice the evidence not existing. Scream, if you want to go down faster. We review all the top Dubai bars and clubs, as well as the other implements used by the Emirati police to beat compressions out of people. And we investigate why the UAE is the best holiday destination to relax and forget

about the worries of the world, but all your concerns to one side. Seriously, because if you think about anything, you'll be arrested and jailed. They've got people all over that. It helps focus the mind on not focusing the mind. And are you bored of politics? Get away from it all and the UAE, where you can be sure your government will not interfere whilst you are put in jail. Oh my god, Adi, this is so brutal. Don't shoot the messenger. And a special competition, free board and lodging for the rest of your life paid for by the Emirati government.

All you have to do is finish this sentence. I would like to know more about how the UAE is run and governed because. And you just finish that out loud somewhere in the UAE and you'll be guaranteed some elongated non-voluntary quality me time. Yes, the UAE is fun, fun, fun for all the family. Sorry, Mr. A couple words there. Fun, fun, fun for all the Emirati Royal family. Also in the bin this week, free audio origami. We teach you how to fold this plain sounding noise. The non-isonect the swiss.

I'll revlon one often water. Into this. The swan is a long necked water fell often seen on rivers. Top story this week. Termite news. Alice, you are the bugles. It's carefully and to termite news, Alice, you are the bugles incessantly. It's tread carefully.

And termite, Corridged Bondin. I am indeed. And there's an incredible amount of termite news. As with all termite news, you start looking and then you uncover more and more and more until you have to move out of the house. Dr. Martin, an entomologist at the University of Sulford in England, has discovered a termite city. It's built by Centurme's dearest, I think that's right, among the largest termite species at about half an inch long, and there are about 20 million mounds.

And there's spread across an area as large as Britain, making it the biggest metropolis ever discovered. This is an ancient civilization, the youngest mound is about 690 years old, and the oldest is at least 3,820 years old, which is about the age of the Great Pyramids in Giza in Egypt. So, basically, termites are way more futuristic than we will ever be. There is no inter-mound conflict. They seem to all be from the same family, and they're doing it right, Andy. Right. Because I mean human civilization, I think we can all agree, is going through a bit of a it right Andy. Right. Because I mean human civilization, I think we can all agree, is going through a bit of a moment right now. Yeah. So maybe there are lessons to be learned from.

I mean, the termite is a far more enduringly successful species than than humans. I mean, we're doing all right. They might top of the rankings right now, but you know, it could be just, you know, a momentary, it could be like Blackburn, Rovers winning the Premier League. We need to take a heavily-tudely out of the book of the termites and get out together handy. The book of the termites has my favourite bit of the old testament, by the way. Yeah, so this termite city, the size of Britain and the problem that comes with dangers,

the property prices in the central located termite. Fucking ridiculous, especially if you're a working class termite doing a manual job, sorry, a mandible job. It takes you, I mean, the commute is a shitting nightmare. I mean, if you're a termite, living in a city, the size of Britain, you've got a life expectancy of around one year and you live on the outskirts, you will literally never get to work. You haven't done the math on that, but I assume it's true. I mean, given that I now know that there is a termite city, the size of Britain existing in Brazil,

I feel much less guilty about when I find a termite, telling it to go back to where it came from. All right, God, you've been staying in Britain too long of your Brexit is seeped into your Australians as you've been doing your things. Oh, come on, we've been really good at racism for a long time, Andy. But I think speaking as a Brit, I think we were

a late to the term in this country. It's a very British insect in a lot of ways. So the natural colonizers have a perfectly unhealthy diet. And the queen lives for way longer than the ordinary plebs. So it's uncanny, isn't it? Absolutely uncanny. Also, you do communicate through a series of complex scents. Yeah, that's the British way.

Just smelling each other and getting messages from around that way. Chips. Pickle the eels. In more termite news now, a discovery among termite colonies in Japan suggests that in termite colonies, males can be discarded from societies in which what they once played an active role. Now this, Andy, is a terrible example of the unforeseen consequences of feminist rhetoric.

It is not enough that we've got a feminized society, soft playgrounds, boys unallowed to punch each other in the face in the classroom anymore. Now we have to impose our feminist principles on the termites too. Thanks Ms. Panquerque to Horrible Suffrage at Slag. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha course. There's a terrible thing for male termites who probably built the termite mounds in the first place. We know that statistically speaking male termites are more logical and powerful than female termites, and now I just can't support these pussy hat-wearing man-hating, roud feminist mites.

What's next? Stop eating wood, because it reminds you of penis. I mean, probably not. They have tiny rudimentary brains, and they don't understand why they do anything. That's termite. It's not feminists, obviously. Obviously, I am a feminist, Andy. I've just been struggling with some of the extreme ends of the feminist movement at the moment. I feel like, you know, you say you're a feminist and then you immediately get associated with like the ones who are on Twitter saying horrible things. I feel like the kind of very loud angry feminist to

like the erect nipples on the body of feminism. Right. Like you want to ignore them but you can't. Yeah I mean that's a good way but again I guess in a lot of what, yeah, so they've had 4,200 termites without a single male term. And it's possible they just excavated the termite hen party to end all termite hen parties. Or maybe they would have just found one harrowed looking male termite in the middle, in the remnants of the police outfit. It's possible all the boy termites are playing dungeons and dragons. We just don't know. But so much in many ways, they've laid down the blueprint for human society. I think there are species we should look up to, not just because they've lasted for

you know, since the dinosaurs. But also, there's a lot of similarities, advanced cities, advanced social structures, the willingness to destroy absolutely anything in their part, they get to what they want to get done. These are our heroes and our role models. And just one quick termite fact before we move on, the popular spread, Marmite, is made of combination of crushed termite kidneys and the rendered down remnants of marsupials,

or martyrs, one of the two, I forget. It's Australian variable Veggie-Mite by contrast, your national dish. Yeah, tell me about it. It's Australian variable Veggie Mike by contrast, your national dish. Yeah, tell me about it. It's named after the ancient tribe, the Veggie Metes, wiped out by the Babylonians in the year 2xQ to BC, I think, for an extra two months. What is it X? I'm actually eating turmois. Have you? Yeah, it tastes like carrots. termites. Have you? Yeah, it is carrots. Mm-hmm. I'm sure you didn't need a carrot. I mean, carrots don't tend to call up your fingers

whilst you try to eat them off. But you ate the live termites. Yeah. Right. And what was the occasion of this? I was on holiday and we were on a forest. Are you a secret agent? Yes. And all secret agents famously have to eat termites as part of the business. But you'll try aflom training or something. secret agent. Yes and all secret agents famously have to eat term right it's as part of the list. But you'll try athlon training or something. It was. I guess if you get peckish on the if you're slightly lost in the woods and there's just a term city. What are you gonna eat? What if the termites been taken steroids you could

fail a drug that'll be an interesting excuse wouldn't it for a sport? I ate a contaminated termites. Shit load of dope that termites. So I just just so I didn't let you get to the end of your sort of why the fuck you ate contaminated termite. Shit load of doped up termite. So I didn't let you get to the end of your sort of why the fuck you ate a termite. Just on a forest walk and the guide just grabbed a stick and he stuck it in what turned out to be a termite man and said who wants to eat termites? And this dickhead was the first to put his hand up. Right.

And ate them off the stickers, they sort of, you know, just ate them off my fingers. Yeah. And they were tasty. Yeah. And apparently they taste like carrots, because they're, they're high in keratin as our carrots. Right.

There you go. That's a, that's a future of food, isn't it? I'm prepared to be shouted down and be told that's absolute bullshit in terms of the keratin. Because are you 100% sure he wasn't f***ing with you? No, I'm not. He did stick a stick in a

ground and make me termite. I mean that explains why you can't sustain human body weight and you just collapse if I put a foot on you. Well, this is a great thing. This is about exciting development for food and the non-vegan carrot. In more undermining the foundations of civilisation news, Trump. Yes, another exciting week for the leader of the Freo. He issued a statement on Saudi Arabia, relating to the extrajudicial murder of a journalist. Now look, it was interesting this statement.

We all know that international politics is a complex game of morally ambiguous, ethically expedient, cheaty poker. And it's not so much the passive validation of the orchestrated murder of a dissenting journalist that bugs me with Donald Trump's statement. It is the ridiculously excessive use of exclamation loss in a presidential statement about a murder. That does not sit well. And that to me is the sign that truly civilization is doomed and rightly so. The number of exclamation marks makes the statement look a little bit like one of those

gossipy epistoletry novels from the time of Jane Austen when they're trying to characterize an idiot. But he released this statement, which was about the murder of Jamal Kishoggi, trying to get ahead, I think, of the CIA statement about the cause of the murder. The CIA has reportedly concluded it was ordered by the Crown Prince, Muhammad Bithselman. But in it, Trump basically acknowledges that Kishoggi was murdered with bone sores and the sanction of the state. But this is entirely mitigated by the fact that the nation in which the atrocity occurred also happens to have a lot of oil.

It just straight up has said that if America doesn't retain good relations with Saudi Arabia, they'll go off and make an oil deal with China or Russia. That is putting the ehr and the ehr and the ick into real politics. And the ehr, ehr, ehr, into betraying the fundamental principles for which your nation purports to stand. I don't want to be too negative about this, Andy. If you put aside the questions of humanity on a dignity and the rights of U.S. citizens abroad, which he definitely has, it's quite reassuring on a number of levels. Yeah, it's admirably honest to the level of what? It's refreshingly honest, he's clear about what his financial allies can get away with,

which is not just murder, but really gross avant-garde gang murder, with a decent medieval torture twist. Well, that's it. I've put some thought into it. Yeah, no matter what you do, Trump is not going to leave you. It's not like you're one of his wives who got slightly older than you were when he married you. It's really reassuring from the perspective of those of us who wonder sometimes how much we'd have to f*** up before our family stopped loving us.

Right, I thought it was from the point of view of those who, one day dream of being the next Mrs. Trump. I mean, it's good. If you're Trump's kids, you don't have to worry about getting caught doing drugs or dismembering someone alive in an embassy. It's like, Dad, Dad, Dad, I have something it's good. If you're Trump's kids, you don't have to worry about getting caught doing drugs or dismembering someone alive in an embassy. It's like, dad, dad, dad. I have something to tell you. First of all, I have a lot of oil.

Secondly, I love you. Third, I murdered someone. The statement begins. America first, exclamation mark. Again, don't read it in a 1930s German accent. The world is a very dangerous place. exclamation mark. It is as memorably the line with the stripy tail hanging

out of its mouth said to the baby zebra. The representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an quote, enemy of the state in quote marks, but my decision is in no way based on that. I mean, that is an enemy of the, that's a alarmingly mid-20th century language that, and he seems completely fine with that. He said, after my heavily negotiated trip to Saudi Arabia last year, the Kingdom agreed

to spend an invest $450 billion in the United States. Now there, there we go, as Oscar Winxburnerdwild short-irt gel, said, we've already discovered what kind of nation you are, America, now we are just haggling over the price. And over this, I think this was the explanation mark that really got to me. He said, it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event. Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't.

Exclamation mark. Like it's some kind of slapstick comedy of mistaken identity. No, exclamation marks when you are talking about a murder, please, that out of all the things you've done, Mr. Trump, I found my breaking point. I mean, this is a really, I mean, this is a astonishing statement. And Fred Ryan, who is the publisher of the Washington Post,

which employed the journalist in question. He called that the whole statement a betrayal of long established American values of respect for human rights and the expectation of trust and honesty in our strategic relationships, which yeah, obviously, but come on, how many times can you accuse someone of betraying everything he's meant to stand for before it starts to lose its punch? You know, it's like the announcement of Jimmy Carr as the face of a new panel show. It just doesn't have the kick it used to have. And it is, as you say, it's nothing new to see Trump unzip his presidential trowzer, uncoyal, the penis of political provocations, but a firm jet of mendacious man,

to the much portrayed eye of American values. But I just, I just barely show any. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So maybe the first five slayings of political opponents of the Saudi royal family are free of any economic consequence. Then say it's like two billion off the value of the next trade deal, each of the next ten kills, then five billion off until the value of all US-Saudi trade deals as below 25 billion a year, at which point America can then afford to have an ethic. That's that old respect. In other Trump news, thanksgiving today, as we record, and in accordance with the great tradition of America, Donald Trump pardoned a turkey, some of the great American traditions.

And I mean, it is a week for forgiveness. It is very much. If you can forgive an entire nation for the extrajudicial murder of a journalist, you can forgive a turkey. But what has never talked about these occasions is exactly what the turkey goes through on such horrific occasions almost a mock execution time when it's building up to Thanksgiving and then suddenly reprieved. I mean, it must take a psychological toll. And it's like me going for my visa renewal. Very similar. Do you stop going to visa renewals in Abbotwaz?

Anyway, to find out, we are delighted and honoured to be joined by the Turkey. That was pardoned by President Trump this week. Terry, thank you very much for joining us. It is a pleasure and I love the show. Thanks Terry. Now it's been a very interesting time for you recently. A difficult time in many ways. Yes Andy, I am not going to lie to you. The run-up to Thanksgiving in America is shall we say an awkward time of the turkey year? I mean, have you spent much time living with a load of turkeys? No, no, I haven't. I did have an old colleague who did a kind of a bit of acting and appeared in two or three turkeys,

but I've not actually lived with turkeys. Well, Andy, let me tell you, turkeys are f***ing annoying. Can you say f***ing on this show? By all means. F*** Donald, f***ing Trump. I've shacked pellets with more of a moral compass than that peanut face blue. Ok, so we focus a bit. So when the president pardoned you, how did that make you feel? I'm thinking if he is on my side, what the f*** must I have done?

Not nice, not nice at all. So do you think in this day and age Terry, the president really should be issuing pardons to turkeys? I mean, it still makes more sense than issuing a presidential pardon to a convicted human person, but it still looks bad. When your president is displaying more humanity towards something that is not human than he does to things that are human, well, America, you need to take a long hard bath with yourself as a nation. Also, I want guilty as charged.

Guilty of what? Of being a turkey, it is a capital offence at this time of year, the laws, the law. Actually, I don't know if that is still the case, but anyway, do you want to fill my wattle? And thanks, Terry. Nontaken. And a quick word for you, Brits. I feel for you. I voted for Christmas with hindsight.

Maybe it was a mistake as a turkey. But well, the campaign was so persuasive. I know what you're going through. Okay, Terry, but before we go, Alex, have you got any questions for Terry the turkey? Oh, yeah, Terry the turkey. I have a question. How do you feel about the birds aren't real conspiracy theory? This is just unsubstantiated rumor for fake news fake news obviously there is nothing in it It of course we are real if you prick us do we not shit on your car windscreen

Enemy human detected Emergency I'm not gonna go even trying to legit my function. Emergency, lay an egg, lay an egg, lay an egg. Yes! Ah! Better out than in. Andy, it's been a pleasure coming on the show. Terry, thank you very much for joining us. Wow, Andy.

Wow. Sometimes you see bullshit that rises like the dawn and it dazzles your eyes. It's nice on a show that you sometimes get to meet the real history makers, people are right at the center of very much the bird's scaramucci. I mean, not to buy into the birds aren't real conspiracy theory, but I have a weird feeling that that bird wasn't real. It was certainly an angrier turkey than the one you spoke to, one Christmas recently. I forgot that, didn't I?

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to remind you when to switch sides, helping give a full and even clean. Quip starts at just $25 and if you go to getquip.com slash bugle right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getqip.com slash bugle quick Brexit update now and uh... well uh... there was an attempted coup against uh... turismo a our lord and saviour uh... it's just a failed

uh... led by jacobry's recent log in which a group of old grey white men great underrepresented minor in British politics traditionally. Attempted to unseat Theresa Mayan, basically completely failed. Authenticly, they wanted to drag Britain back to where it belongs, the past. We're more comfortable there, just suit us. The present brings us out on a rash decision, and the future is just not arthing in many ways. Jacob Reese Mogg, the head conspirator. He's very much the most convincing evidence yet produced that time travel will at some point be developed. He's essentially come here from the 1920s and he's now doing desperately doing everything he can to get us back there. And if he has to take

the whole motion to achieve that, so be it. Europe in general, Alice, is taking this slightly historically curious drift towards the far right and populism. Now populism in 20th century, I think it's fair to say a bit of an up and down time. It didn't all go well. Yes. I don't think I'm out of line in saying that. No, Andy, I think you're probably in line there. But despite its brief

unpopularity towards the beginning of this century, it seems to be coming back in Vogue like a nip waste, waste coats. And I don't know what those are. A nip waste coat. A nip waste, like a waltz, waltz, never mind. Just it was a thought. Anyway, like monocles and curling pistaches. What's happened is there's been a survey, and the survey has revealed that one in four Europeans is voting for a populist party now. It's almost like we're living in a post-Freundian society

where every individual feels that rather than achieving satisfaction by fulfilling their roles and duties within a society, they have to actualize themselves through the indulgence of id-driven fear to anger transference. Like on one hand, it is easy to be annoyed that people are choosing to support politicians who are providing overtly simple answers to complex questions in a world of information overload. But really, it's a lot easier to understand if you think of it as a response to profound economic and emotional disruptions that can result in a group's loss of self-esteem.

You know, remember when Twitter appeared and we thought it was just a phase? On one hand, it is awful that the anti-immigrant rhetoric is being bolstered by increasingly dog whistle racism, but you know, you have to forgive vulnerable groups that are attempting to deal with a traumatic sense of disorder by utilizing maladaptive defense mechanisms like denial and projection. I spoke to a therapist on the bus. Look, I think our options are a complete breakdown of social order and pandemic civil war, or promoting the development of supportive mentoring relationships,

improved parenting skills and educational approaches that focus on emotional development. Well, one of those two options is going to make better films. Reprettably acquired throat injury news now. Oh, I would have gone for nub-nushing news, but... Oh, okay. Potato potato. We are in the studio on on cockleane here, listen, Paul's cathedral and appropriate enough. There was a story about, well, a man being described as a hero. In fact, a hero, a legend, a martyr and an idol. Yeah. So what exactly? For going viral on social media by posting

his selfie from the hospital where he was admitted after rupturing his, what is it called? Thorax. No. Epic lot. No. He ruptured his air passage. He ruptured the air passage in his throat by giving phallacio very enthusiastically to a 10.5-inch penis. What's that in centimeters for a younger listener? No one measures penises in centimeters and it's inches or footlong subs. Is he not time to decimalize the male member? I don't know exactly what the length was. He estimated it and he called it in his post a Hulk-sized dick. Hulk-sized dick. Hulk-sized. People are generally in awe of this, that

he not only did he manage to suck this dick to completion, go home and only realise that it was something wrong the next morning, but that he was very open about his struggle to overcome the size of his own throat. In his enthusiasm, there's a lot of advice in the comments sections about how to avoid ending up with a quote, lung full of hot gizz. But other than that, it seems to be mostly pro-cock sucking induced injury. Right, it was 26.6.

That's coincidentally the test-bowling average of the Great England fast-bowler, John. I mean, I do worry about the lowering of the bar of heroism in society, this might be described as a heroism. This is admiring to eat legend, a martyr, and an idol. You'd thought, maybe who could that be about? Could it be about Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc? I thought it was a weird middle name. Martin Luther King, Spartacus, Bodicea, or a man who'd

ruptured his throat, or radically flugal horning a 10-inch penneed. I just think we're losing perspective on what true heroism is about. I agree, Andy, and I also think that it's more of a boast than it is a heroic act to have engaged with such a large, beautiful appendage. I think you... I guess unless it protected the bystanders from the... From the long, full largest. Just don't know. No, I mean, I think he would be more heroic

if he had engaged with an unattractive or jigsaw shaped appendage. Right. But the currency of the legend, I mean the word, obviously, legend has the value of the term legend as collapse like a 1920s German mark. And when Hercules must be non-existently spinning in his mythological grave, I had to do 12 seriously difficult labours including cleaning out enough shit to start a war from shitties stables. You people wouldn't know a real legend if it chopped the heads off a hydrant in your kitchen and then chopped them off again and it came with a working out a more viable long-term solution. Yeah I mean Zina Warrior Princess was forged in the heat of battle, not forged in

the heat of a long-full of hot jizz. I just keep saying a lung full of hot gizz because it makes you flinch every time. I'm not comfortable with it Andy but you're even less comfortable with it. I don't think the word lung belongs there. And a martyr. I don't remember I don't remember seeing anything quite like this story on any of the medieval frescoes I've seen in Italian churches, but maybe I'm looking at them from the wrong angle. I mean, you haven't seen the lactation of St. Bernard then. No, I have not. It's an absolute classic. Google it. After you suggested we cover this story, I've already Google things I did not want to Google.

And an idol as well for getting himself hospitalized by the Thronepool Stiltskling of a alarmingly engloved presence. I mean, come on! Choose your words more carefully people. Fileshia of course, named after a particularly fruity character and one of Shakespeare's lesser-known plays. From the last Filesolescio, I knew him well. There's a little performed blue period. Actually, that's not the quote. Right, I thought that out. I don't want to sound like a missquirting Shakespeare. Kilogram news and, well, bad news for kilogram fans.

The kilogram, as you know, has been fired. The popular unit of mass, one of the most popular measures for the past 100 plus years is having a makeover. Since the 19th century, the precise definition of the kilogram has been based on a lump of metal in France, weighing a kilogram, appropriately enough. But that's not fucking good enough

for today's pedant scientists. And they're having to update it with some complex shit that I couldn't understand. I don't like the kilogram being changed because when I proposed to my wife, I recited a poem that I'd written for entitled, My Love Is Like a Kilogram. And those words now seem meaningless. What is a kilogram? No, now it's referring to a universal constant, Andy. This is great news. Scientists have voted to change the reference weight

for the kilogram to this fundamental constant of the universe. Democracy works. It is important news, because actually the lump of metal in the vault in Paris changes fractionally over time as the molecules degrade, which means that previous kilogram-based kilograms were subject to this change.

On the other hand, they didn't change much and who cares. But the point is, this is great news for everybody who is weight-obsessed. I don't mean worried about getting fat, I mean, literally obsessed with weight. This is the biggest weight news since Weight Watchers changed their name to WW. Weight is now a fiat currency, entirely imaginary. We don't have to worry about it anymore. Body positivity, weight is truly just an imaginary number. Throw your scales away.

They won't even fall down. Gravity doesn't matter anymore. Well, it's a positive side. I mean, on the other hand, it could be terrible news because arguably it was the movement of money away from the gold standard to a fiat currency that led eventually to the financial crisis. But if we have a weight crisis, what

if we all end up with weight inflation like violet, like violet, like violet, bow regard in Willy Wonka, we'll just float away. Yeah. I'm against it. Shocking. The general conference on weights and measures has what a great night out. Absolutely wild. That from May next year, the international system of units, the SI, well they've said that the speed of light in a vacuum is now going to be 299 million, 792,458 meters per second. I'm not happy with that. I don't vote for that. This is exactly the kind of expertise explains why people voted for Brexit. If you don't show up at the voting poll booth to determine the weight of a kilogram,

you don't get to complain at all. Apparently the Boltzmann constant, K, is now 1.380649 times 10 to the power of minus 23 Joules per kilogram. Boltzmann, salt, zolt's ultimate, just short that anyway. I mean, it's a new definition of the second, which of course used to be the time it takes to say, nice hip of bottom of the game. Then it was redefined, I think, in the 1930s to the time it takes to do something that takes five minutes divided by 300.

And then it became a hundred times the time between the theme music for the archers coming on the radio and me switching the radio off. The meter, that's that's been redefined, used to be the distance that Napoleon could spit from a seated position, or the height of 28 worms doing a motorcycle pyramid, but obviously seven, seven tears. The kilogram used to be measured by nipping down on the supermarket and buying a kilogram of grapes, a kilogram of flour, a kilogram of mints,

weighing them and taking an average of the three, often skewed by someone nicking one of the grapes. And the Kelvin, that used to be the amount of heat generated by an old man called Kelvin sitting at a bus stop. Your emails now, and this came in from Ezra Gray on the subject, can someone explain this shirt? And Ezra writes, I was looking to gaze this inserity of Hillary 2020 merchandise and came across this and sends a link to a t-shirt which has Hillary 2020 on with one L, and the face of someone who's emphatically not Hillary Clinton.

Now, Alice, I don't know if you are familiar with the work of the 1980s, West Indian Test Batsman Larry Gohms. No. But his first name was in fact Hillary with one hand. And that is his face. So what we've got here is a pun involving global politics and 1980s cricket. I mean, this is absolutely your wheelhouse, Andy.

Well, I think it's not only my wheelhouse. I don't think I need to do anything else with my life now. I think I've been exposed to not through any of my undoing, but the logical endpoint of everything I hold dear. Yeah, at this point, you're gonna go throw away all of your clothes by a thousand of these t-shirts and wear one on top and then one on each leg. But, and also, in fact, Larry Gomes

should very much be a poster boy for modern politics, because he wasn't a glory seeker. He was the glue in that West Indian batting line. We had the other flamboyants of Gordon Greenwich, River Richards, Clive Lloyd, around him. Back in, they didn't even know how to use emails. Well, no, silky skills of, we could give a Jeffrey Doosion, and of course the battery of a terrifying fastball.

Larry Gomes are all a pro-seic defensive batsman, but still a valuable role in that side. Is that not what humanity needs right now? Some who's just going to get down with the difficult stuff and grind it out for the USA. I'm backing Larry Gongs for president of the USA. Oh wow, celebrity endorsement. That's right and I want, as is running mates, the defense of England batsman Chris Tavari. I want the Gongs Tavari ticket to save America. And you might scoff at that and you know, I know they weren't technically born in America.

Well, I didn't stop Barraker Barmer, who was born in Islamist arenas, we know. But surely, you know, that's got to be preferable to have two 1980s test cricketers as got to be preferable to Trump, hence, surely. Andy, I'm on his Wikipedia page. And it's, it's probably causing me to, I've never seen such a brutal Wikipedia page for, page and it's it's probably causing me I've never seen such a brutal Wikipedia page for Historic range was very limited favoring the twitch to leg the odd cover drive some slides down the gully and then my favorite bit and a sort of hook. That's his official page. Yeah. That did a valuable job for that. That West Ind decide? There's another email here from a man called Stephen

and it contains a link to a story in the Guardian about what is called Stinkgate in which the world of professional darts was rocked by two players accusing each other of a repeatedly farting during a match. I mean that is taking sledge into a next level. It was Gary Anderson and the appropriately named Wesley Harnes. And I mean, it is, it's rock darts to its very foundations. I mean, it's only so much scope for cheating in darts. So I guess the, I co-vert, nasally dysharmonious exflegration could be, you know, one way of getting, you know, some cheeky advantage on your, sorry, for these two cheeky there, advantage on your opponent. Haroms is from Holland, responded to Anderson's accusation. He says, if he thinks

I've farted, he's 1,000 and 10% wrong. 1,010%. I think that is the biggest sporting percentage. I can remember Kevin Keegan talked about a thousand percent commitment rate when he was managed with the England football team and the greats investigative journal Vis magazine ran an article in which FIFA had to impose a standard 250% maximum commitment rate just to get the market under control. It's very funny. A thousand and ten percent But a thousand and ten. A thousand and ten percent.

I mean, he's not short on hyperbole harms. He said, I swear on my children's lives that it was not my fault. All right. And also this just for you know, I had a bad stomach on sage once before and admitted it. Yeah. Therefore, he's not going to lie about farting on stage now. That's proof. And so he in return blamed Anderson who also denied it, saying it was eggs rotten eggs but not from me. Right. Every time I walked past, there was a

waft, so that's why I was thinking it was him. Right. Definitely wasn't me. Okay. I'm very close to getting into, you know, whoever's melted Delta Territory. I mean, you don't want that in top levels, Paul. Has anyone contemplated that there might be a third man on the grassy knoll? The arse-y knoll. Chris, family. Sorry. That concludes this week's Beagle Do Not Forget to Buy Yourself and All Your Friends Relatives and Enemies, Colleagues, Tickets to the Soho Show from the 18th of December to the roughly fifth or sixth of January. And his Oldsmans 2018 The Certified Fible History. Also starring Alice Fraser of whom you may have heard.

Do come along. We promise it will be largely funny. Oh yes, and my trilogy is coming up on 100,000 downloads. So if you've been thinking of listening to it, download it and put me over an arbitrary number that won't make me any more money, but will make me happy. Whereas buying tickets in my so-how show will make both of us a little bit more money. So do that. Like it's not either or the trilogy's free.

I was focused on the commercial operation. If I were doing that I would have stayed a lawyer. Thank you very much for listening. See you all in Soho from the 18th of December. We'll be back next week with Tom Ballard and Anavab Pal until then, Vueglers. Goodbye. Bye! you