The Bugle - Terrorism FAILS

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Joining Andy on issue 4393 of The Bugle is Alice Fraser and Anuvab Pal, as the three of them delve into this week's news from failed terrorist plots, an AI revival of Greta Garbo, to European protests. PLUS UK News as Andy Burnham has his first conference speech as PM and an update on the scandal that is Manchester City 'Football' Club. All and more on this week's issue of The Bugle! 🌍 Terrorism Fails: The trio delve into the news of two foiled supposedly terror attacks 💻 AI Garbo: The Bugle reports on the latest as AI review deceased actress Greta Garbo 🇦🇺 Australia Celebrates Moth swarms: Andy, Alice and Anuvab report the on news that Bogong moths have returned Andy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Alice Fraser's Links: https://www.patreon.com/cw/AliceFraser?l=en-GB & https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/the-gargle Anuvab Pal's Links: https://anuvabpal.com🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

newspaper for a visual world. Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,393 of the bugle, the world's longest running, newest only and possibly best audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm Andy Zaltzman, as has been reported elsewhere, and I'm talking to you from the shed where most of the universe's most fantastic understatements happen, or used to. It's lost its edge, evidently. Joining me to analyze the state of the planet and everything that's happening in, on, and near it, I'm delighted to say.

Welcome back to the bugle to Alice Fraser and Anuvab Powell. Hello to both of you. Hello, Andy. It's a delight to be here. Alice, you are currently sitting, without breaking confidence, sitting in a car.

I would only break confidence if we said the make and model. It's a Volvo, Andy. It's a higher car. I am on the road, literally. I'm making literal the metaphor that is my life of finally recording on the road,

the timing that had been planned for today slightly. So I'm having a great time. What a treat it is to be here in this beautiful car. Anuvab, you are, are you in Mumbai, correct?

I am, Andy, Alice. Hello. I am in Mumbai. The monsoons have just ended. This is that terrible time of year where there is this thing in the air called hope, which I hate. This is the season

where it doesn't rain. The weather is nice. And terrible things happened, like concerts and comedy shows and things. We are recording on the 5th of October 26. On this day in 1947, President Harry S. Truman made the first televised Oval Office address, setting political communication in the United States on a slippery slope that has slippered and sloped onwards ever since in a direct line to Donald Trump's social media output. So it's probably not the most destructive thing that Harry Truman did in his career,

but it's up there. In 1962 on the 5th of October, Doctor No, the first of the James Bond film series and the first Beatle single, Love Me Do, were both released in Britain. And it tells you a lot about attention spans in the early 60s, a film whose title was two-two-letter words,

plus a song whose title was eight letters crammed into three words, including two-letter words. I mean, there are a number of reasons for this. One, there was the threat nuclear Armageddon, so you had to get stuff done quickly just in case. And also, Inc. was still in short supply after the war, hence the shortness of titles back then. Some claim that the Beatles actually released a much earlier single than Love Me Do in

1962, but it depends very much how you interpret the hieroglyphs from the pyramid of Pepe the First in Sakara in Egypt, which according to some scholars suggest that John Paul Georgian Ringo released a hit called The Birdie Song in around 2,300 BC. and Dr. No was the first film featuring celebrities by James Bond, who uncovers a plot involving an evil scientist called Dr. Julius No. Most filmographers now, however, accept that the movie was a hoax. No, the character was entirely made up, and Bond was in reality a third division footballer for Lincoln City.

I'll just have a quick question, Andy. Harry Truman wrote the Truman Doctrine. Very quickly, when can we expand the Zaltzman Doctrine and what would be in it? Look, I like to think that if you took all episodes of the bugle of which there have been now almost 700 full episodes, and if you got your AI robot or dog or device to transcribe them and condense all of those transcriptions into a 12-word statement, That would be the Zaltzman doctrine, I reckon. And I know we're entering a new era of James Bond

and I would like to suggest the James Bond script that I have written, which is just James Bond's inner monologue. So when he says, you know, I didn't expect you to lose your head, then he also goes, oh, that's so insensitive. Why would I say that? Such a mean thing. Like he's like family.

The whole is, it's just all the inner. monologue. Of course she knows her name is pussy galore. Don't draw attention to it, James. That's the whole script. It's something that she's, I guess, learned to live with over the years. Probably bullied about it in school. As always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week, our exclusive coverage of the Major League flummoxing postseason playoffs. The bugle has been chosen as the sole broadcast pioneer by the MLF.

And, well, we have the latest updates, including the Pogonia Drefle of the Buffalo Bafflers, has, well, just as we record, given her team a decisive 9-6 lead at the bottom of the fifth in the American League Championship Series opener after confusing Mike Yauk, the L.A. perplex-kipper, with an attempted explanation of why their conversation had already taken place, even when it was still going on, her reasoning using an impenetrable cocktail of quantum physics,

superior rules of grammar regarding the use of tenses and references to HG Wells. Yauk tried to hit back in the freestyle flummox with a poem in 12 languages about a non-existent novelist who never wrote a book,

but Dreffle, after a slight raise of the eyebrows, deflected the attempted bewilderment with the supreme counterbaffle, dipping a sealed packet of ham in a fish tank than looking at her watch, jutting down an equation

on the back of her hand and saying, I thought so. In the National League playoff, Miami Stump, lost out again to the San Diego Discombobulance, with Jarmella Smith-Rolmop striking the decisive fuddle with a quite superb PowerPoint presentation

exploring how the cellular structure of amoebas reflects the narrative arc of more than 50% of Shakespeare's history plays which left Miami's Farnie Lippott scratching his head an automatic 10-point deduction for that, of course, and after Lippet was subbed out for pinch-confuser Jophers and Clout, the discombobulance three-time MVF, Evar Tringellis, left everyone nonplussed with a verbalised mime, outlining the Carthaginian strategy at the Battle of Can I,

using a kitchen sieve and a pint of milk, clinching the win and a 3-0 series lead. After the brilliance of the discobulence performance, and the brilliance of the discobulence performance was highlighted by the fact they took that 3-0 lead after any two matches of the series. Full updates of the rest of the tournament, whenever we make them up.

At that section, in the bin. Andy, I know so little about baseball that till you got to Carthage, I thought that was actual commentary. Top story this week. week, terrorism has been failing. Look, the world is a disappointing place, as we've covered on the bugle over the past 19 years now, and particularly disappointing for people who like planets and species to function

somewhere near the best of their ability. So there are times when you need to appreciate when, not necessarily when good things happen, but when bad things don't happen. And we've had a couple of outstandingly spectacular failures by terrorists in the last week or so. And the bugle, let me reempsize, has taken a very strong anti-terrorism line throughout its existence, not because we think it will earn us likes and advertisers, but because we don't like terrorists and we don't approve of their methods. We think, as a publication, they're bang out of order and that terrorism is not a real job. And coming from me,

that means something. So we have to appreciate when their attempts to bring death, destruction, paid and misery to the world fail spectacularly, as has happened, well twice recently. One of these involved an Indian pilot on a fly Dubai flight, fending off an attack on his life and saving the lives of everyone on board his plane and becoming an instant national and international hero. Can we talk about his name for a second? This hero pilot, his name is Smith Machar. And there's a lot of online chatter about how Smith.

Actually, it's pronounced Smeath. but, you know, he was flying for an international airline in a cosmopolitan part of the world, so it became Smith. So his name is Smith, Macher. And so his online talk was what kind of Indian name is Smith? And my answer to that is, don't overthink it. It's like a cruise buffet. Just go with it.

There are lots of Indian names. It's God Mara Ahtraan origins. His name is Smith Machar. Now, he was a real hero. He terrorist attacked him. His co-pilot, who was apparently the suspected terrorist, attacked him with his. an axe. And he managed to crawl out of the cockpit, get the help of a bunch of passengers, including an Israeli plumber who saved the day. And they managed to, they managed to

restrain this co-pilot and tie him down. And, you know, I know quite a few plumbers. And, you know, I don't think they'd be able to save an airplane full of people. I don't know what the plumbers in Australia and London I like. I don't know. I think some of the ones in London would probably say, well, I could fix him, but I'm going to have to come back next week to do it. And that's not really what you need in that scenario.

The last thing you want in like a terrorist showdown scenario is someone making the deep, in-drawn breath between their teeth noise of like, oh, yeah, I could fix him. It's got a costume and it's going to take time. Clearly not this is really plumber. But now, going back to the pilot, he was, obviously, he had grave injuries. But within like half a day, the Prime Minister of India managed to get through to him on a video call.

Now, this is the thing that Indian families do. They bypass all emergency A&E rules, come up with some excuse to go see their relative. And the Prime Minister of India got on a video call. which he then broadcast, and Smith, you know, so it was very humble and thankful and all of that. And he said that the Hindu god Hanuman, who is the great monkey god from the mythology, Remaina, gave him the courage to do it.

Now, if you read the Remainer, the Indian monkey god Hanuman carries a whole mountain on his back to save Lord Ram. So if anything, Smith Machar did less than he was supposed to. if the epic is in any way his inspiration. Also, I did a bit of research on him, and the first 12 years of his life, he flew for an Indian low-cost airline called Spice Jet.

It is an airline that Indian comedy promoters always put you on before I don't want to pay for a regular flight. And if he's been a trainee pilot on Spice Jet for 12 years, a guy attacking him with an axe is the least of his problem. When you say the first 12 years of his, his life. Do you mean working life or was he, you know, a prodigy was picked out of the crib

that it just showed a natural aptitude? I think this is incredible. I think on one hand like the balls on this man, the four square brass plated, caboshone, polished, limited edition special bonus signed by the author balls that he has to like, he's not

just dying of one thing. He's dying of two things. He is dying of being in a plane that's falling out of the sky and also being stabbed. And he's got, you know, the prince of mind to go, well, even if I'm double-dying, I could stop the other people. For all he knows, he's done for, he still has the kind of generosity of spirit to go out and, you know, open the door and let these people in who then saved their lives. Jania Hanyun, who was the one who put the hijacker into a chokehold and dragged him out

of the cockpit, he also then went in and pulled up the nose of the plane using the tools, the controller of the plane, which he said he knew. how to do from watching Canadian television program Air Crash Investigations. So he levelled out the plane until another pilot who was riding on the plane, managed to take control of the vehicle. That is the most extraordinary story that justifies the existence of that. Until this point in my life, I would have said that program had zero right to exist and has done nobody any good.

Well, I think that gives us all reason for watching rubbish on daytime. television thinking, well, we never know when this might come in handy. This could save lives in the future, whatever it is. Antique, if it's selling antiques, it could be a crucial antique in a hostage situation. Could be so important to know how valuable that antique chamber pot is. Of course, some people are debating whether he was a terrorist, trying to kill a plane full of people to pursue a ghastly political agenda or extremist religious purposes or whether he was merely a lone maniac who wanted to take himself out

and taking a plane full of people along with him was just sort of a side effect. It is entirely possible that he lacked the imagination to plan a better suicide attempt than just doing his job very badly. But I think in these scenarios you just have to wait until more information comes out. No, that's a very, that's boring waiting for more information to come out. And that's surely blind speculation about these things is what we need. And we need politicians jumping in to make political capital out of these things as well as Benjamin Netanyahu who was very, very keen to do.

So look, I mean, look, it could have been an absolutely terrible situation. And thankfully it wasn't. And also, wait, wait, what about this, Andy? What about if we both guess at the same time and then if our guesses don't agree, now we're enemies? I think you guys just described any Fox News debate on any day. In the UK, we've had one of the most spectacularly bizarre incidents of what we still don't know if it was what it was, if it was terrorism, if it was just an international prank. I guess it's a kind of classic set-up punchline thing. What happens when you get across good old-fashioned British slapstick with state-sponsored.

terrorism in the Gloucestershire countryside, the RAFF, a terrorist bomb plot story. So it's, I mean, you probably heard some of the details of it. We still don't know exactly what happened. Five suspects were arrested after one of them called the police, a local farmer in Gloucestershire, also called the police. There was, well, it was a kind of terrorist bomb plot without terrorists' bombs or plotting.

The vans had some petrol. in but no bombs, the people involved seem to be unaware that they'd been hoodwinked into performing an act of terrorism and hadn't really plotted it in that they seemed to be surprised by what was going on around them. So I don't know, it's not really a who done it, it's a who totally failed to do it, and what the fuck was it that they were supposed to be doing anyway, and who really was trying to make them do it? And why exactly did they call the police before they'd done it? The answers to all those questions, don't know. As far as I can tell, one of them called the police basically because he lost confidence partway through.

It was just like, this is not going well. Yes. Well, I don't know why he called the police if he realized that what he thought was a simple delivery gig was in fact an act of international terrorism, which I guess if you're just driving a van for what you think is innocent purposes, might surprise you. We don't know the details of that. But it was a supremely British bit of terrorism in that obviously they were good on as British terrorists with an instinct for fair play. They gave the police a fair chance to catch them by ringing them up and telling them where they were. A sense of humour.

They sort of ran away from the farmer like they were in a Benny Hill sketch. And another reason why the plot failed was that they failed to find a legal parking space and blocked off the farmer's drive resulting in her alerting the police. So it's, I don't know quite what to make of this, but like I said, any time that terrorism doesn't work, I guess is a time to appreciate the incompetence of the people involved. Tech news now and, well, technology continues to,

well, make humanity as a whole absolutely shit its pace. at the prospect of what is going to happen over the short, medium and long-term future. Sam Altman, the boss of OpenAI, said we just have to accept, quote, bad things in return for the benefits of AI. I mean, those bad things, I guess, would include, for example, massive hacks that put everyone's security and privacy at risk, which is worth it for AI giving us a probably correct brief summary of the plot of a Dickens novel, I would say. we've got to accept things like scams,

leaving people in some combination of fear, destitution, suspicion and confusion, which is worth it from an amusing picture of Neil Armstrong meeting Elvis on the moon whilst Elvis cuddles like of the Soviet space dog. And of course, we've just got to accept the end of all humanity, which is worth it for all the instant AI-generated hot takes about the end of humanity that will come alongside it.

Alice, you are the bugles' AI-Armageddon correspondent. Just bring us up to date with the... well, the latest in our journey towards oblivion. Well, Andy, as you know, when we're rushing towards a future in which these technologies will have the capacity to change our everyday lives in incredibly profound and impactful way, the best thing to do is to strip away all regulation and make sure that these things can do whatever they want

with zero human oversight. I'm for it. One of the worst things about war and murder and terror is the ongoing impact it has on the people pulling the triggers. And the US and Russia have worked together to weaken a global effort to regulate how much human oversight and control there should be on things like automated drones. Look, if you were going to be struck down by death from the sky, wouldn't you rather know that your death was the result of algorithmically complex decision trees

factor in things like target strength, acceptable, collateral damage and death quotas, rather than the result of human error, human emotion, or human trauma. I, for one, would prefer to know that it was a robot making a mistake than a person. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I think when it comes to this sort of weakening of safeguards, I guess the reason people are a little worried about this is that weakening safeguards is not always a recipe for stronger safeguards against things. And people understand we can say that might repeat on itself.

And human oversight of previous weapons packs hasn't had 100% successful record. But still, I mean, some sense, Anab, do you not think that we're not just letting the robots make all these decisions for themselves? Well, you know, Trump did tell them to self-regulate, right? He had a press conference in the Rose Garden. He had the Anthropic CEO, Google. he made a big shusha about Sundar Pichai saying he's one of the most powerful people in the world. You don't know his name.

He made a big thing in the press. And he basically told all the AI CEOs, you have to self-regulate, you have to behave. That's sort of like the Pope calling the porn industry and telling everyone in the porn industry to look into their soul and ask themselves what else they could be doing for a living. It just, I don't think in free market capitalism,

this is going to work. Recently, last week, in fact, the Supreme Court of India threw out a whole bunch of cases because case lawyers were presenting cases as reference that didn't exist. So this is becoming a problem across courts, I imagine, all over the world. So I assume this is only the beginning

where judgments would be. announced by Supreme Court's based on previous judgments that did not exist? I mean, of course they won't self-regulate. As a parent of toddlers, I'm aware that self-regulation is a learned process. And the only way to get AI companies to self-regulate is to get down to their level, bring them in for a hug, overcome your own past trauma about things like being loud and tantrums in public, and show them how to bring themselves back down to a level playing field, They're not trying to eat the world all in one mouthful with no pause or thought.

Amongst the clauses that the USA and Russia apparently worked to remove from the wording of the pact include a clause mandating that ethical considerations should be taken into account when AI weaponry is used. And you think you must be able to program using AI, a gun that only fires at baddies or bombs that fall on weddings but don't damage the cake. or missiles that blow up schools but leave unharmed all their children who will go on to be honest law-abiding citizens. It doesn't seem much to expect AI to be able to do that. So I worry about that clause being removed. But I guess as the old saying goes, war and ethics go together like a dove and a flamethrower.

They also removed a provision requiring humans to review military targets that had been generated by AI before a strike is made. And I guess the issue with that is it very much depends what humans are doing that reviewing. If those humans are Pete Hegseth or Sergei Lavrov, then I'll stick with AI, to be honest. We'll have a more sensitively attuned moral compass. But don't you think if you had a super intelligent being with the power to override all human beings and set a bunch of nuclear codes off, it's definitely a more exciting. world to live in. Because today, you know, okay, Vladimir Putin may press the nuclear button. He has

human characteristics, widely written about. Donald Trump may set off the nuclear button, Kimmel Zhong might, Narendra Modi might. Crazy people, but widely known. But if an unknown algorithm overrides all of it, you know, it's sort of like living every day in the Cuban missile crisis. Very exciting for all of us. I think it has a real possibility for the future of humanity. Because of course, we are an egotistical species, anything that we are not the best at, we tend to think is less important. And the thing that we are the best at is the thing that is the most important.

So, for example, maybe if machines excel in viciousness and murder, people will reframe their identity and their idea of victory and success as like, yeah, well, I can make the most smells and then that'll be the vector along which people compete and I can hope for that as a future that's a future I can look towards with a gleam in my eye and a fart in my soul

I mean in that future you will need a James Bond with an inner monologue because that's the world Alice I had a quick question for you I know that you're a sort of biographer and scholar of Elon Musk in the current AI context

I believe, and you guys may have already discussed this on the bugle, but the Department of Warfare under Pete Hexeth is bringing in Mr. Musk as an AI advisor to the Department of Defense. This can only be good, you think? I mean, where might this lead us? Well, I mean, where might this lead us, given Musk's incredible history of building companies, his great engineering mindset, his capacity to sort of imagine a future,

as outlined in a number of science fiction sort of dreams and books. Look, I think if we're going on the idea of Elon Musk and the things that he is capable of achieving, then it's going to be a very well-run and efficient department of war. If we're going on the naysayers and the facts and history of the way that he has approached projects that he's engaged in in the past, it might be that in a couple of months he, insists that he be called the founder and inventor of war and Pete Exeth gets fired. I don't know. I'm willing to watch and wait and see because if I was not, I would still have no impact on the outcome.

In terms of what else AI can do for us, Alice, it turns out what it can do is bring dead film stars back from the dead. and obviously people have been brought back from the dead as something of a controversial and divisive history as for example anyone who's ever experienced Easter would testify but AI has brought back Greta Garbo the early 20th century film legend in order to advertise ball bearings now I guess a number of questions can be asked about whether this is the most useful

application of this technology, I guess you could also say, well, far better that AI just waste its time bringing Greta Garbo back from the dead rather than sucking all our brains out with a giant virtual proboscis. So, I mean, this is... I mean, the thing is Garbo in life did advertise ball bearings

in the early 20th century. And in many ways, this glamorized ball bearings as a product. They weren't that trendy until Greta Garbo started promoting them in the 1920s. And then they got used in everything from jet engines to steel mills from ballpoint pens to space rockets and from submarine shafts to giant animatronic moonwalking elephants. So look, she's obviously hugely influential then and can be from beyond the grave now thanks to AI. Well, you know, I think it depends on how you feel about legacy and memory. I think it feels, you know,

some people like it's sort of a hideous puppeteering, a kind of a desecration of a corpse in this situation. But I think we all need to remember that Greta Garbo fucking loved ball bearings. Oh, that she just, you just roll around in them. She just loved nothing more than a smoothly rolling glass door. She really enjoyed a pair of rollerblades. she could not get enough of umbrella housings. Quite a lot of them use bullbearing.

I'm just brainstorming bullbearing uses. But it does open a great door, though, of people from history that we'd like to see. I mean, I'd love to know from you guys who you want to bring back. I've got a couple of people that I'd love to bring back and see an ads. I mean, between us, I'd love to see Cato, the great Roman auditor. promoting Cats the musical. I'd like to see Herodotus, founder of history, many historians say, first original documenter of the passage of time to do the Apple Watch commercial.

I'm sure you guys would like to see a couple of people. That's a good partnership. Yes, exactly. I'm sure there are people you've lost a history that you want back. My concern, Anavavab, is just where all this ends. and I'll tell you where it ends. It ends with Queen Victoria, Jesus, Babe Ruth, Marlina Dietrich, and a nice version of Lenin,

commentating on a fictitious mixed doubles tennis match in which Napoleon and a Cleopatra take on Leonardo da Vinci and Martine and Navratilova. I'm not concerned about that in itself, but it's the journey to get there that worries me. You realize, Andy, that there is one buger listener who is going to make this happen. It's got to be someone working at Anthropic who is going to put the... this out on Twitter or X or somewhere.

UK news now and well an update on a story that we reported last week the leak that Manchester City were about to be found guilty of lots of naughtiness. That's now become official. They have been officially

found guilty of various naughtinesses for which they have appealed but fundamentally this is the biggest scandal in British football since it turned out of both Roy and the were entirely made up. I will never get my childhood back. And that, admittedly, is a joke for people who read football comics in the 1980s, probably in Britain. Anyway, look, as Meatloaf, the American rock star and statistics enthusiast famously said, two out of three ain't bad,

but 114 out of 115 is absolutely fucking dreadful. And that is what has happened to Manchester City. I guess, you know, you might say it's typical of our negative British media, but people are focusing on the 114 guilty verdicts and not the one innocent verdict. But that's the world we live in. It's the 2020s. People are going to pick up on these things. And look, in footballing terms, this is like being caught offside, not by a few inches or by an errant boot or a bit of a shoulder on VAR. This is like being caught offside by 114 miles while speeding down a motorway in a stolen Lamborghini throwing 200 pound notes out of the window and smoking powdered pangolin out of an illegally imported rhinoceros horn pipe. This is the level of cheating that Manchester City

have currently been found guilty of. They say they have irrefutable evidence that will clear them. Look, I'm not a lawyer, not a qualified one anyway. I mean, we all like to dabble as enthusiastic amateurs. But it is a bit of a tradition in legal circles to use your best evidence during the trial phase rather than after the verdict has been announced. But I guess each to their own. Looking on as outsiders who are,

I guess emotionally invested in English football as one of our nation's favorite forms of virally mutated capitalist healthscapes. What have you guys made of this? I don't want to name any names, but it seems that at the center of the controversy is a particular Middle Eastern sovereign wealth fund. And this is my problem with this whole investigation.

If one of the world's largest Middle Eastern sovereign wealth funds are not allowed opaque, convoluted funding through many layers of dodgy transactions, then who is? I mean, where is the justice in the world? Next, you'll say the Swiss should not make chocolates and watches. You know, I mean, where are we going with this? Yeah, it's just not encouraging all those youngsters who look at football and think, yeah, one day I would like to try to skew the competitive fairness of a league

by playing around with the financial rules of it. They're just not going to be encouraged to get into football, maladministration and that's a sad world. There's not a world I want to live in, that's for sure. Exactly. The commission, the commission broke the charges into four blocks, which is the first time I found out that that was the, that was what you called charges when you got enough of them.

I didn't know they became blocks. I knew it was a murder of crows, but I didn't know the collective noun for charges was modular. they had to put them into segments so that they could deal with them all inaccurate financial information these kind of corruptions stopping and frustrating the Premier League investigation

these just all of these I think they I don't know what punishment is bad enough for this level of financial like it's extraordinary well look we should say that as I say Manchester City are appealing it There are different ways of looking at it. Some look at the Premier League's statement as a verdict reached after years of forensic examination of thousands of pieces of evidence and testimony.

Manchester City described it as an opinion. So, you know, there's different ways of looking at the same thing. But a lot of attention now on how City might be punished. They could be stripped of their titles. They could be fined, although to be fined enough that their oil rich owners, actually notice, I think, would be more money than currently exists in the world. They could be relicably out of the Premier League, out of the entire Football League structure. They could be forced to play with only seven players for the next 10 seasons and have four

players ceremonially sent off by the referee before kickoff every match. There's some suggesting they might be able to, might be forced to play with their shoelaces tied together or whilst bouncing around on spacehoppers or pogo sticks. they could be renamed and have to play for the foreseeable future with an embarrassing name like the East Lancashire Lemons or Manchester sausage. They might be automatically offside whenever they score a goal for the next 114 years

or for them to play their home games in Strangeways Prison in Manchester or reformed but made to play croquet instead of football. So all these things are on the table. I mean some of the things I've just put on the table, they all are on the table. I think I vote for everyone in management of the club is put into jerseys and put on the field and everyone on the field is forced into management

to see where the chips are for. Yeah. I mean, there are things other sports have shied away from suitable punishments in terms of laying down a deterrent for future potential wrongdoing. Lance Armstrong, for example, the cyclist was stripped of his titles but he wasn't, as he should have been,

made to ride the Tour de France on a unicycle for the next 10 years. Crickets match fixes were not forced to play with a stick rhubarb instead of a bat. Ben Johnson wasn't forced to run the 100 meters in a in a hands-bime horse outfit. So the opportunities missed to lay down a marker for sporting the sporting justice. We are just receiving a couple of bits of breaking news on what might happen as a result of these verdicts. And apparently Manchester City star striker Erling Harland is going to have to work on a burger van at Crystal Palace's Selhurst Park Stadium for the next 12th season.

And also match of the day, the BBC's flagship football highlights program is going to have a special sad theme tune for the rest of time. Other UK news, Andy Burnham, the newish Prime Minister, has given his first conference speech as Prime Minister at the Labour Conference last week. And people seemed broadly, relatively impressed by the fact that he was able to speak in the style of a human being, which is something that not all recent Prime Ministers have had. Certainly, he gave off the vibe that his political golf bag has some functioning clubs in it, whereas Keir Stama, his immediate predecessor always gave the impression that his political golf bag contained a snapped three wood, a rusty putter with a hedgehog gaffer taped at the end, a slightly moulding cucumber, a frozen snake and an inflatable Nigel Farage doll

that was anatomically correct to a frankly disconcerting degree. So, you know, a positive effort from Burnham. in terms of policy. He tried to show that he's prepared to bite various political bullets, whereas previous incumbents have tended to just nervously nibble around the edge of the bullet, like it's a scaldingly hot rat pasty, or in Liz Truss's case, to scoff an entire bucket of bullets, like it's an American hot dog eating competition,

and then just wait to explode. So at least some form of communication competence has been brought to our highest national office. they also Labour unveiled a new slogan, hope again, a positive message, albeit only because they couldn't afford the ink to complete the more realistic actual plan slogan, hope against hope. But again, different vibe to Kirstarmer's, we're screwed. So a positive vibe, I think, was the main takeaway from the Labour economy. Did either of you watch it?

I was just going to say, I was listening to a podcast called Restis Politics, and they were saying that apparently got quite sad when talking about losing his dad, which apparently moved the audience very much, which made me think he's definitely carefully studied the last 10 minutes of any Edinburgh solo stand-up show in the last three of four years. And it's very good political advice from whoever told him, do not study the Israeli and Churchill, study this tick tocker doing six minutes at the pleasant shed. That's the answer. Clearly, he studied the right things that are necessary for this age.

Amongst the headline proposals was the launch of a national care service, which Burnham said would be as significant as the creation of the National Health Service that happened in 1948. Some dispute of exactly where the funding for this will come from, whether it will be robbing Peter to pay Peter via Paul's Care Agency. But I guess we'll see that. But it's a difficult political issue, you know, the care sector and we're living longer and longer lives.

And for whatever reason, people seem reluctant to live out their final years in poverty, loneliness, pain and confusion. And so there's something that, you know, the government needs to try and help people avoid that. You know, it's a problem we have as a species, not just as a nation. Other species don't care as much about stuff like that. Hence, they tend to be in much less financial debt as species than we humans are paying for a length of life that we are. just unwilling to plan for economically. But care homes can cost over £60,000 a year, which is equivalent to leading private boarding schools in this country,

albeit with fewer weird sports. And anyway, I guess with care homes, it's more about the connections you make, really, than necessarily what you learn there. And they can set you up for the afterlife, I guess. It's not who you know. It's who you remember. He also said that I

In terms of the British water industry Which is only called the water industry because our rivers are sell just over 50% water and less than 50% shit But he's announced a strengthened water bill I forget I can't remember a strengthened water is ice or beer But something's definitely going to happen with that And electoral reform as well Finally our first past the post electoral system which leads to huge misrepresentations of public opinion at the ballot box

and also people just voting tactically. So no one really votes the way they want to vote. They vote to stop the way they don't want to vote being voted for by other people, essentially. So as an electoral system, it has its flaw. I mean, Labor came to power in 2024 with a massive majority, but already unpopular, which Kirstarmer then surfed for the next couple of years. But, you know, first past the post is undoubtedly good for deciding some things. for example, horse races, where I would say it's way better as a means of deciding who's won a horse race than clankiest hooves or most enigmatic internal monologue or best reason for having a long face when walking into a pub.

Or how you decide who wins at sex? Well, it's not just Britain that is very much a loggerheads with itself in Europe, this famous continent that I've called home for so long. Spain is also cross, as is France. The Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez has called a snap election, having lost a key parliamentary vote on housing reforms. This followed nationwide protests after an 87-year-old woman was evicted from the home she'd lived in for 70 years in Madrid after the rental company whacked up the rents because, you know, free markets and what are you? We're a fucking communist. So, Alice, what have you made of Spain's latest eructions? Yes, Andy, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the people who can't afford rent,

but the pain in Spain is currently falling mainly on the landlords because people have taken to the streets. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Everybody is in the streets about affordability and housing. People want to ban investment funds who are doing. what they call them bulture funds, buying up property and becoming sort of the corporate equivalent of slum landlords and these kind of sudden spikes in rent that are making people impossible. But it has, with all Spanish protests, it has immediately gone to throwing things at the police

and the police are responding with rubber bullets, which, look, you can collect the rubber bullets and use them to build something, I suppose. There's some pretty aggressive signs. One I think my favorite was, I studied to have a future, not to have a tiny apartment, which I enjoy. Apparently a lot of people

are living with roommates well into their 40s because rent is so high. So, you know, no different than the life of a theatre actor, for example. I mean, they are getting used to certain professions, possibly, because of... Good, good material for six, possible future sitcoms.

You've got to look for the positives in these things. The company that turfed, the 87-year-old Marri Carmen Abascal, from her home, issued a statement saying, if she really wanted to live there, she should have been one or both of richer and younger. I might have mistranslated that from the original Spanish. Protesters chanted, shame on you,

and your profits are misery at the protests. And you can see a few. property businesses thinking that's quite a catchy slogan that and our profits your misery could could work for them alongside existing slogans such as go fuck yourself plebs and if you don't like it why don't you fuck off and live in the woods just the latest problem for sanchez it's been prime minister since 2018 in june this year his former transport minister jose luis abalos was jailed for 24 years after being found guilty of taking dodgy kickbacks from the sale of face masks during the COVID pandemic.

We have different punishment in Britain for similar offences. Here in Britain we just tut, roll our eyes, say players going to play and probably offer someone a place in the House of Lords. France also having a bit of a protest moment. There have been nationwide protests over the past few weeks involving school students who've decided that the government had failed. It's running a functioning education system practical and wants it to resit. complaints about underfunding, overcrowded classes, dilapidated buildings and teacher shortages. So the government's response is that underfunding is merely teaching youngsters about the value of sound economic planning.

Overcrowded classes, just give them more friends to make. Delapidated buildings gives them an appreciation of shabby chic as a style and teacher shortages. Just means they have fewer adults putting pressure on them. So there's always two ways of looking at these things and these school students. You're basically protesting wanting a better future, which is charming, I guess. and wanting better education. Have they not heard that AI is coming to the rescue to bring true equality to everyone

by making all of us obsolete, regardless of whether we had good teachers, bad teachers or no teachers whatsoever. Children will of course be marked on their protest, both for attendance, coherence, following through on the plan, group work.

And as with all student projects, there are six of them. One of them is doing all of the work, and the rest of them are just riding the coat tails. That had a lot behind it, Alice. You're going to have to tell us a full story behind that someday on the bugle. Name the other five. Name the other five.

A lot of these student demands are quite unreasonable. They interviewed the student, My Sir, and she was taking her exam, and she said, last year I took the high school French exam without a French teacher, and I realize teachers do have a huge impact. I don't know if this is exaggeration, hyperbole. I don't know. I mean, did teachers and classrooms have any impact in your education, Andy? I mean, was it in any way significant?

I think so. I mean, I think it was significant, but at the same time, it was also expensive. I went to private schools. And, well, as I've said on this show before, I've got a very good education in many ways, but limited in other ways. So I left school at 18, you know, unable, for example, to talk to a girl or change the tyres on a car. But I could explain British military tactics at the siege of Quebec in grammatically flawless Latin. So, you know, it was up and down.

The tyres have to want to change, Andy. And finally, moth news. Moths are very much the sharks of the air, Alice. And Australia is having to deal with a, well, a very exciting infestation of them. Yes, moth news now. This is so exciting. Bogong moths used to be a staple of my childhood, just swarms of them everywhere,

and they've been in decline since the 80s, but this spring, due to a number of sort of optimal weather conditions, they have been swarming in the thousands across the southeastern Australia. Scientists are delighted. There's food for frogs and various native wildlife. The return, we can all celebrate the return of the bong moths for their native home.

fucking everywhere. Oh God, they're all over my face. They're in my hair. It's in your breakfast cereal. Moths, the fluffy personification of dust are back in your mouth where they belong. And I, for one, am thrilled. We will have full updates on moths eating through the entire fabric of Australian society over the next however long it takes. I'd give it a month. That brings us to the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much as always for listening. we'll be back next week. In the meantime, why not join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to keep our shows free, free, flourishing and independent.

From now until the end of time, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button. I'm going to plug my own show now. I'm back with the certifiable history, my end-of-year review show, back for the first time since 2019 on a Soho Theatre between the 14th of December and the 9th of January, and then one-off shows in Bristol, Cambridge, Edinburgh, Leeds, Salford, Nottingham, Norwich, Cardiff and Coventry in January. Do come along to that.

The news quiz is also on, so do get that via BBC sounds or wherever you get your podcasts. Alice, anything to plug? I remember those Christmas shows in 2019. I was backstage dying during those shows. It was so much fun. Yeah, go get tickets to that. I should also plug patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. I run my writers meetings there.

I run salons there where we talk about ideas and it's sort of a one-stop shop there because I don't trust the algorithms. So if you want to know what I'm doing, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. You can sign up there for nothing. Obviously, I would refer if you signed up there for heaps of money.

That'd be nice. My book, A Passion for Passion, is coming out in paperback in the UK early next year, probably February, maybe February the 14th because it is a book about romance and romance novels and romanticcy. And I published that in concert with the beauty. You can buy the hardback currently on the bugle website.

If you go to the buglepodcast.com, you can buy it there in audiobook, ebook or hardcover. Sorry, I've been a little behind. I'm still thinking about why don't you fuck off and go into the woods as being something a real developer would use to set up a bunch of houses for renters. I think there are housing ideas on this podcast. Only one thing to say, I'm going to be in Zurich for the first. first time. This Saturday, 10th of October at a place called Soho, Zurich. And I'm still trying to figure out by asking social media what an Indian comedian should talk about in Switzerland, apart from neutrality, chocolates, spanking.

I'll be in Valdeleuze if you want to come join my writer's retreat the next day. Well, really, same week. It's brilliant. Bougal Swiss cohort. Thank you for listening, Bueglars. Until next time, goodbye.