The Bugle - That’s a Big Cow! – Bugle 4089

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

That's a big cow! ...It's a really Big Cow!There's a giant cow about to take over the show in Australia. The sky is the limit as India constructs Statues that bother aircraft. The Bugle welcomes Tom Ballard and Anuvab Pal to discuss these and more – UK news,The G20 and Sport get examined thoroughly with Andy Zaltzman taking lead.@TomCBallard@AnuvabPal@hellobuglers@Wahwah_UK Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, be euglers and welcome to issue 4,000 and 89 of the bugle audio newspaper for a visual visual visual visual world

with me and his ultraman self styled Jimmy Hendrix of non-literative nicknames still got it. Uh, Zoltzman here in Old London town joining me all the way from India but with me in London to try and recover his nation's property presumably. It's Anu Vapal. Hello Andy. Hello. I have to say Andy this is my first winter in the United Kingdom or I can now see why you needed a hot country. Oh yes. The history is starting to explain itself and how you're enjoying the London the November weather? It's lovely. I can't tell the difference between the year and night. I think the sun comes out once over six months during the winter. It's enough.

It's enough. I think it's. But it's yeah, it's lovely. The original 50 shades of grey was not in fact an erotic novel. It was not a million description of a walk through London in November. And Johnny has also snorting as we've just heard from the wrong side of the planet all the way from Australia. It's Tom Ballard. Hello bitches. You're at numbered. What are you talking about? You've got two southern hemispherians here. No, you're you're you're mineians here. We agree. No, you're mine already, mate. India is definitely still north of the Equators, and I mean, you're going back a long time to the early days of the sort of pan-Gian world

before India drifted north and a desperate attempt to change sides to the greatest hemisphere in the world. How's Australia, Tom? Oh, chugging along, you know how it is. Yes, sort of slowly trying to warm up. Well, it's about the country, baby. Too warm to be honest. But the great news is on the whole climate front

is that the Adani coal mine is going ahead, which is just wonderful news. So I will be doing you have a shitload of coal and burning that and with no downside whatsoever, I assume. Oh, excellent. As long as you ask the coal nicely, it's just generally pretty co-operative, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, don't let the fossils of dyed in vain.

You're right, that is disrespectful. We should honor them. We should like our heads, I'd say. Yeah. I have to ask Tom, you know, Adani's are one of the wealthiest Indian families, right? And once they've done their duplicitous coal business within the country, it's only fair that they take it to Australia. So how do your environmentalists feel about a slightly shady Indian businessman filling

your air with coal? Refuse. I think slightly shady is extremely generous of you. That's very nice. But look, we're not happy about it. There was a big campaign to stop it being financed by the government. A whole bunch of banks pulled out because they said they weren't going to back this stupid project because yes, the price of coal is plummeting.

It, of course, and you know, there's that whole burning the planet thing. But now they've managed to sort out their own finances and they're going ahead and the guy himself tweeted, tweeted today, said, great news. The coal bites going ahead, congratulations to all involved and good luck for the future, which I really, really felt, well, at least you didn't say warmest regards, I guess.

So much appreciated. Thanks to the good people of Adani. really, really felt, well, at least you didn't say warmest regards, I guess. Much appreciated. Thanks to the good people of Adani. What are the major sponsors of the podcast? I believe it. This isn't entirely coal-fired podcast. The recording engine, as we speak, is chugging along through that window. We are recording on Thursday, the 29th of November, 2018, on this day in 1972, Atari released Pong, the first commercially successful video game. No less, that was on this day in 1972. Pong, of course, a hyper unrealistic 2D version of table tennis or a ping pong. And that's sparked a global industry and video games now worth well at a conservative estimate. More than $25,000 a decade, that is a ballpark figure.

Some view pong as an attempt to recreate either table tennis or the negotiations involved in exiting a major international trading group such as the European Union. And it's simplistic batting of a thing backwards and forwards to no discernible purpose. To reason why actually probably played pong at some point in her life. So draw your own conclusions others claim pong seats

Seeks to revive actualize the pong elements of ping pong in other words the horizontal Batting of the board but without the ping element of ping pong which is of course the An ancient Chinese were for the deeply psychological elemental battle for supremacy between two warring humans in a hostile universe where Darwin proclaims they're going to only be one winner. Uh, and pong regarded as the fortnight of the second millennium, of course, but different less so and wrongly. Since pong was released, humans have wasted an estimated combined total of 73.4 quadrillion hours playing computer games. Time, which if used more productively by our species, could easily have led to cures for Alzheimer's, the Middle East crisis, time-wasting in football, capitalism, communism,

and death. Just 10 years after Pong was released, however, Soviet hard man leader Lenny Brezhnev died, but then again 15 years later, Mother Teresa died as well, so it's probably won all. Since Pong was released in 1972, the world population has almost doubled from its 3.8 billion total, proving that 2D recreations of sports give humans a greater disincentive to die than the prospect of eternal heaven or damnation, which of course predate Pong, whilst the population of Asia and Evab has more more than doubled in the pong era, suggesting that playing table tennis simulation games on computers makes all Asian people horny. This is true.

Incidentally, the film version of pong is due out in eight minutes from now and features Channing Tatum as one of the bats, Jennifer Lawrence as the other bats, and a CGI recreation of Greta Garbo as the ball. See, this is the world we live in now. That's a funny joke, but in a world where the emoji movie has been released, that satire is just nothing to me. I'm like, I could absolutely believe that tomorrow there is a movie called F***. I mean, cloudy with the chance of meatballs. It's a classic up there with Godfather and Kessablenka. So, very much so.

I think that's a superb movie to watch as a small child on a long flight. Yes. My daughter discovered when I made her watch it twice. I'm afraid to. Australia many years ago. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, it's, well, we're counting down to Christmas, also counting down into a new season of the bugle.

That is imminent details forthcoming. Another bugle dawn is on the way and counting down to my Soho Theatre show beginning on the 18th of December. A tradition as old as well as old as a two year old ferret who's turning three shortly. It is the third instalment of Andy Zoltultimums, certifiable history. This year covering this year, and it is live at the Soho Theatre from the 18th to the 22nd of December, the 27th of the 29th of December, and the 2nd to the 5th of January. But in the bin, this week, as we approach December, it is the Bugle Drapvent Calendar. Why raise expectations about this flawed planet with nice little pictures of things that happen at Christmas or robins?

When we really should be revealing the true drabness of life. So with the Bugle Drab vent calendar, we give you 24 drab things to count you down to the unrealistic happy vision of Christmas. The first of December, an empty chocolate bar wrapper in a puddle next to a bin. Second of December, a bus shelter still vandalised with the graffiti words, Thatcher out. Please tell me you have 24. Not yet. Third of December, a nursing home covering up the no on a no vacancy song. And fourth of December, Theresa May's face of natural repose.

We will continue the drab vent calendar next week. Top story this week and we are going with quite literally the biggest story in world news this week. Tom, you are the bugles oversized, far-manimals correspondent and what a week it's been. Well, you see, I'd say it's the busiest week in this role that I have for the podcast that we've ever seen, really. All anybody is talking about in Australia or in data across the world is Nickas, who is, and I believe this is the technical term, a f***ing massive cow. He's a cow who is f***ing

massive. He's a massive cow. He's a big ol' big f***ing cow hashtag big beefy. This is taken the world by storm. And ABC news story about the West Australian steer or cow, that's a controversy, we'll get to it a bit. Nickers, it went viral around the world because there were images of Nickers standing head and shoulders above all the other cows at the surroundium. He is six foot four inches tall, making him taller

than Arnold Schwarzenegger, almost as tall as Michael Jordan. And let me just check one out here, yeah, one f**king massive cow We're talking about a big cow here Explidators are required to capture the f**king massive scale of this f**king heifer And he niggas is so big he could crush you with an eyelash. Oh wow. This cow is so big How big exactly the bell he wears around his neck is the safe bell from Big Ben. This cow is so fucking big.

Just to confirm how big. Some cows jump over the moon, this one steps over the moon. It's a big, you can care, Andy. Well, I mean, you say that, but, and I mean, it's been a huge story, but some people have suggested that actually, he's not that big of a big f*** cow, that he's merely a big cow, rather than a big f***ing cow, which is a very important technical difference. Some interesting things been said about him. I have this one quote about him, because he was saved from the abattoir because he was too big to fit. And so, basically, he's a one cow metaphor for the global banking bailouts of 2008

that his mere size saved him from oblivion. And this is Oscar, I think, from the farmer who runs him. Is that the term for what he did with the cow as a farmer? He's a bit of a recluse, but he's got a lot of followers. Oh, does that sound familiar? Anyone does he lock himself in his cow shed with 24 hour news channels and then go online to move provocative bullshit? Little just to shit literal bullshit Someone said steers. He's a steer which is a castrated cow

And he this says steers are castrated cattle So they don't tend to be kept for breeding I mean, this is, this, this, this, this, this, this, the post-menopause at retired ex-coward. Let's get funky. But as I said, nothing is real in this world of 2018 Tom and the Washington Post ran with the story saying the big cow is a lie. Are you gonna defend your nation against this accusation of farm animal size mandatiousness. Well, first of all, could I say, it feels like the Washington Post might want to dedicate its resources to some slightly more important matters in the world. Like, I don't know.

All the democracy that's f***ing dying in the darkness. But, yes, they said the big cow is a lie. So I assume Nickers will soon be a major policy of the Trump administration. They said, yes, it is a male cow so it's technically a steer and that his breed does actually tend to get quite big and that all the cows surrounding Nickers in all the video and footage that we've seen are wagyu, a quite young wagyu cattle which are actually quite sort of small.

So as you see on a technicality blah blah blah all I can I can say is fucking Washington post don't take this away from us The world is on fire fascism is on the rise the poor are starving. Can't we all just come together and enjoy this very large cow Is that so wrong Gentlemen, I have a question. Yes Don't be living the world where we are all entitled to our own cow facts. Wow, absolutely. And obviously coming from India, where... Yes, finally, Andy, there is a cow reasonably large enough that we can worship.

We've been worshiping shitty, small, pathetic cows. Finally, there's a six foot four out that we can look up to. And not the rubbish that stands in our street corners. The finally, thank you Australia. You know, we give you electricity with Adani by burning her own gold. You give us a giant cow. I think, I think Tom, this is what we call fairtrade. We didn't give you anything. Don't you come steal our big cow? Don't you do that after this? I liked it. The fact that he's like too big to wait,

it was too big, he wouldn't fit on the sort of the mechanism to go into the abattoir, means that he's too big to wait, he's a, I mean, I don't know what you guys, but I can certainly relate to the experience of blowing out in size so much that no one wants to put their mouth around you. So I actually see a lot of myself in Nikers,

in that respect. Family show, Tom. Oh, sorry. So come on. That was, that was as family as a kid. I met, I met blow jobs. All right. Yeah.

So just to clarify that took me a second to understand that. I have to, I have to say on the Twitter feed, Tom, um, there was a lovely tweet from an Australian gentleman with a photograph. And it said, please enjoy this enormous Australian cow, which is not a tweet once he's very often. Isn't it nice? Everyone's just loving, loving Nick as an enjoying him very much, which is great. The Washington Post actually also said, this is also just for a wait, to put it in context of the wait. Nick has weighs around roughly 2,800 pounds, which is the approximate

equivalent of 14 and a half Denny Davitos. Now, that's the imperial system. So for Australian listeners, that's about 21 Paul Hogan's and for Canadian listeners, that's about 35 saline deans. So just so you know, that is a fantastic statistic. I just want to measure all life in how many Joe Pesci's something that's going to be. You have a thousand rupees? How many Joe Pesci's is that? Well, one of the great problems with that system is didn't you get into a mile on Brando situation and

then the international actors' weight foundation has to come in and try and regulate the currency. Mr. Pearson, who is the owner of Nickers, I really like this out of him. He sounds like the most Australian boy, because he's had widespread media attention, media outlets from right across the world have been hitting him up, trying to get his comment on Nickers and get it inside into this massive cow. And he's just quoted as saying, yeah, look, we run a reasonable cattle operation. We like the exposure, Nick is as Godden, but we've got a day to day operation to continue on with.

So he's just like, yeah, I know we've got the fucking Godzilla of the cow world out the back there, but bloody hell, don't bang on about it, all right? Stop carrying on like an old pork chop. It's not even pork for God's sake, bloody hell. I'm flat out, I can't be dealing with all your bloody Nick is nonsense, all right? He even got a request from Ripley's believe it or not.

He said, I had it offer from Ripley's for him to go into that sector, but I just said, oh, I'll put something on paper and set it to us and we'll have a look at it. It's the most frustrating. I've just flat out. I got a lot on at the moment. I can't be bloody putting people in Ripley's believe it or not museums around the world mate. He's off. Well, I mean, what what what is the future hold for for Nickers? And because you can see you know, some great oil tycoon from from the Middle East coming in with a big money transfer

offer to turn turn Nickers into a celebrity burger. So not technically the biggest cow ever, but nevertheless we are having a special other animal records section, including the wigglyest worm. That was Trevel, who is a four inch long earthworm from Switzerland. He recorded a 26.4 full body slalom squiggles in just 18 seconds. The world's most agrophobic condor, that was Esteban from Chile, he hasn't left his roost for four years.

Fattest stick insect, Stevie the log six legs, who recorded a 2.3 centimeter waist, not judging. The biggest selling whale recording artists, Patsy Pod and the Berliners, they're the top selling whale music collective, and they've gone watery platinum with 12 of their albums and they had a hit whale song number one with the single. Brackets touch my fin as well as... And of course, they're unforgettable. And of course, they're unforgettable. Which roughly translates as,

I fell in love with a plankton, and now I've eaten it. That's my favourite song. And finally, most confused penguin, that's a current winner that is Enid, a chin strap penguin, a uses a stunt body double for the school day scene in the recent fictionalised horror biopic of the former British Prime Minister David Cameron.

Insurance premiums did not cover using a human body double for the young future Prime Minister and future of the nation's shareholder. So they used the penguin instead due to the similarity between a penguin and the distinctive Eaton College uniform so that Cameron would have worn at school. Enoch reportedly distressed, but alive. LAUGHTER Other world news now and Donald Trump has completely given up any pretence that he is not a dictator, which I mean, he's a relief, he's getting all above board.

He put out a pair of tweets in which he said, well, CNN doesn't do great in the United States based on ratings. Outside the US, they have very little competition throughout the world. CNN has a powerful voice portraying the US in an unfair and false way. Something has to be done, including the possibility of the United States starting our own worldwide network to show the world the way we really are great. Now to be fair to Trump, he did manage to stop short of saying say what you like, but old Joseph knew how to get his message across. And you can decide which of the joes of

so referring to. That's entirely up to you. I'm not, you know, politically could go one of two equally unpleasant ways. And I mean, here at the Bugle, this is very exciting for us. A state propaganda channel for America. I'm matching John Oliver's sitting by his phone, waiting for an offer to be the host and anchor of their flagship per news program. Here at the Bugle, we're delighted to offer a price to our

US American and United States listeners. Have your show commissioned for the new America First propaganda network? Perhaps you want to see a fun new children's cartoon called Gerby the Propaganda Goose, or Itch the Witch in which a blind folded member of the White House staff scratches female Democrat politicians, which everyone is the first one to say, ow, is proved to be a witch. And also reds under the breads, a hilarious McCarthy-Tinge Bake Off-style game show, when celebrity guests attempting to make a fantastic for capture, a perfect pump and nickel, or a beautiful bugget, are accused of communist leanings based on quite literally trumped up

evidence, and then have to defend themselves with their freshly baked loaf as they are physically attacked by an angry mob. I mean, their possibilities for this channel are absolutely sensational. And I have a quick view on television, which is that it's much better if run by dictators. All right, okay. I mean, not everyone is traditionally agree with that, so perhaps you can just fill in the gaps. What? Here's my theory.

And Kim Jong Il, father of Kim Jong Un, he ran North Korean state television. I do not wish to speak ill of the dead, but Kim Jong Il, one of the things he did was that TV had to be piped into every apartment in Pyongyang, and six of the eight hours of television were his speeches. Wow, amazing writing. And you could turn it down, but you couldn't turn it off. Now that to me is proper television. The real housewives of Atlanta has nothing on the speeches of King Chong. Right? Now he's telling you what you need to watch. The problem is choices, Andy.

The problem in a free market ratings-based television is choices. If, for example, all you're allowed to watch are Trump's speeches, and you can't turn it off, you know what you like or don't like, because there's nothing else to like. Right, that just kind of makes sense. That's basically how kids of my generation

got into watching Test Match Cricket because it was that or nothing. And I'm not equating Test Match Cricket with the speeches of either Kim Jong Il or Donald Trump, but the point essentially stands. There will be a lot fewer annoying conversations about, yeah, have you caught up on that cool, new box set TV show?

It's like, no, it's all just Trump's bigger f***ing moral. Can I suggest the America already has a worldwide network talking about how great America is? It's called f***ing Hollywood! Alright, can I refer you to missions impossible one through six? Not that is a very valid point Tom, you know when the world is blowing up, it's always the White House that has to say, it's never the Prime Minister of Sri Lanka that's burdened with solving the world's problems. This is true. In other Trump news, Melania Trump has been photographed with the White House Christmas decorations,

which are essentially a forest of blood red trees, has been photographed with the White House Christmas decorations, which are essentially a forest of blood red trees, which look alarmingly like handmaids. And I, I, I, is this, are they just testing the waters before fully rolling out Margaret Atwood's vision of a better America? I think this is an all-in game, gentlemen, which is that if everyone is saying your administration is dystopian, go with a dystopian team. Don't go with a friendly,

sort of, you know, that's all loving Christmas jolly theme. Just go all in. So the prominent ones Margaret Advertile does Huxley, A.G. Wells, those would be like the future themes I think at Christmas. That's what Christmas is all about. The Quick Brexit update now, we're all gonna die. I mean, that is independent of Brexit, of course, but the point still stands, you can use these facts however you want in this Brexit era. We are all going to die because of whatever Brexit deal is eventually agreed or not agreed upon. Theresa May this week showed that she still

has her finger on the irregularly throbbing pulse of Britain by communicating with the nation in the only way the people of this country understand a piece of junk mail trying to flog us something that no one wants. Tessie the tentative sent the nation a letter. She spammed Britain, essentially, with a letter asking this queryless land to pretend to unite in a way that only comes even closer happening during particularly fruity global conflicts. Good luck with that.

This letter was at best unconvincing, Tellings that we need to come together with this thing that well either people didn't want or people wanted a different version of To be fair to me. She has been dealt an unplayable hand and she's played that unplayable hand Shitley Understandably chitley, but chitley Nonetheless, the latest plans also have been released for Brexit Day, the 29th of March, currently scheduled for next year, when we will hurl ourselves off the diving board of Destiny, attempting a triple-twisting pike back some assault that we've never practised into the liberatingly toxic swamp of perceived freedom.

Isn't it weird that Brexit Day gets earlier and earlier every year? I hate this commercialisation of Brexit Day, you know what I mean? I feel like we've lost the spirit of it. Older hand made decoration. Yeah, that's melodious trees, a bunch of appropriate for what you're the country going through, Eddie. In the Hyde Park of the 20th and the March the government has announced that it will conscript a million strong crowd of Brexit voters alive and dead to simultaneously belts the national anthem in a southward direction. There will be a life ceremony in Westminster Abbott which Boris Johnson, the squawking hemorrhoid of delusion himself, will ceremonially yank out a ceremonial arrow from the eye socket

of a giant robotic king harald who will then ceremonially come back to life and shout up yours norm and noates for a French exchange student in a William the Conqueror outfit. Taking back control. The Queen meanwhile will parade around London in a Union Jack feathered chicken outfit and will ceremonially lay four giant eggs, one for each of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, symbolising the rebirth of our nations. Before celebrity chef Lorry at Jamie Oliver cracks the unietedly

kingdom of Eli's into a pan and cooks a single British omelette to represent the unbreakable Holy Union that is kept this nation unified as one, since the dawn of time, the Duke of Edom, meanwhile, will take Immanuel Filiberto of Savoy, the Prince of Venice, the only male-line grandson of the last king of Italy, and ceremonially forces head into a British toilet before flushing it and shouting, Keppish, Signor, Foreign Face, then giving the soggy face to Suda, Prince of Cuddle, and saying, still friends. That's really what Brexit is all about. There are also plans for an upgrade to the White Cliffs of Dover, which currently stand at 110 metres high, but will be extended upwards by 350 metres just to make our point.

So you will build the wall. Yeah, built a cliff. God, even your walls are white. That's impressive. I've been coming to your country for the last couple of years. I've heard the words Customs Union so often. Yeah. Does anyone actually know what that means? No. No. I mean that's the thing with all these terms with Brexit. Is it all a bit complicated and it's best just to say them and hopefully you sound like you know what you're talking about because fundamentally no one knows what they're talking about because it is too complicated for the human brain. Well the UK government seems to have some very interesting thoughts on how it's all going to roll out.

Official figures say the UK economy could be up to 3.9% smaller after 15 years under Theresa May's Brexit plan compared with staying in the EU. How big do you want your economy to be, Andy? I've always said the UK's economy could lose a little few pounds, you know. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen over 15 years. So, are you body-shaming our economy? Yeah, yeah, listen, listen won't happen overnight, but it will happen over 15 years. So are you body-shaming our economy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, lose, it loses a few fatty. You did a much of a choice. And as far as I can tell, the entire British economy seems to be made up entirely of British comedians going on TV travel shows with their dads. So I think,

I think losing 3.9% of that would be fine. It depended experts have said that 3.9% of GDP would equate to about 100 billion pounds a year by the 2030s. But on the bright side, Andy, by 2030, 100 billion pounds will be worth about 20 quid. Thank you. Thank you. But also, I think, I mean, it's not just about what Britain's going to lose. We haven't been told what Europe is also going to lose, because that's what Brexit was about.

We're not concerned about damaging our own economy, as long as we take those foreign f****s down with us. Scotch to Earthendi. Scotch to Earth. India news now, Anavab, I understand there's been some huge exciting news in the world of Indian art. There is Andy. We've decided that we want to have the largest statue in the world, so we built it. Right.

I was doing some research, Andy. So Indian China have 60 of the top 100 statues in the world. And I have a theory I've developed, Andy, and I want to know what you think of this. I think a nation's average height is inversely proportional to the height of its statue. The first. Average height of both nations in Indian China

five foot six inches. Right. Average height of the statues there, hundreds of feet. Danish people, giants, main statue in Denmark, the little mermaid. Tiny bit of nonsense in the middle of Copenhagen, to commemorate Hans Christian Anderson. They don't need it.

So how are we the tallest statue in the world right now? The next are about 30 buddhas, but ours is a statue of the Indian Freedom Fighter Valabhipatel. It stands 100 feet above the colossus of Rhodes, which was about the height of the Statue of Liberty when it existed. Fala Bapertel was an Indian freedom fighter. It is said on Wikipedia that he was a key negotiator in keeping India together after independence. What that means is he just sent in the army and said, if you do not want to be a part of India, we'll kill you, which is a fair way to negotiate, I think. Today, he's the first thing that you'll see

as you fly in India. And I don't think it helps that the statue is that tall, is that they put a red blinking light on his head so that an Emirates plane doesn't run into him. I don't know if that's a fair commemoration, but I think we're trying. I think we're saying something to the world because the inspiration for it was the statue of Colossus at Rhodes. And the Colossus at Rhodes is much shorter than the Valipipatel statue.

And Indian architects did a lot of research into the colossus of Rhodes, which was basically a giant naked Greek man wearing a cape holding a sword. And we said, that would be a little inappropriate because nobody wants to see a giant naked Indian man. So we had a distinguished Friedfighter wearing a shishol with a red light on his head.

And that is currently a contribution to the world, Andy. Giant statues. And interestingly, it's 597 feet tall. Yes, statue. Are you gonna build it a 597 feet? Why not just put another three feet on it? So you're top of 600. That's bizarre to me.

Because that is 199 yards. That's one yard, three feet on it, so you top the 600. That's bizarre to me, because that's, that is 199 yards. That's one yard, three feet to a yard, one yard off the 200 yard. 199 falls coincidentally, the highest test match score of Muhammad Azaradin, before my Indian cricket captain and matchfixer. What messages are we sending it? Now that's a great point, Andy. In fact, I think the Asta Zeridin, how long told you want the statue to be? And he said, why don't we go with my average? 597 feet. What is that in Daddy Davido's? In terms that normal people can understand, please, Andy. Well, I think it's, what if, well, I mean, that's a lot more about a hundred and a hundred and twelve down in the veto, I think.

Thank you. I'm just saying, the biggest statue we have in Australia is Nick as the cow. So I'm struggling to get over these guys. But it's not going to be the record-breaking statue for long because apparently there's a statue set to be unveiled in the year 2021 of Shivaji. Correct. unveiled in the year 2021 of of Shivaji, correct, who is a 17th century Indian warrior. Yes. That will be 696 feet. I can't just go for the 700 for f**ks like, if you know sense of numerical landmark, if Indian statues continue increasing at the current rate by the year 2183, a statue will be built of the Indian Snooker Star, Pancage Advani, that will be so big that it will displace the world off its axis and send the planet, careering into space before it canons off the moon,

before then coming to rest tucked in behind Mars in a good position to not the red planet in for in for one and screw back for a shot at Jupiter before cleaning up the outer planets. planet in for in for one and screw back for a shot at Jupiter before cleaning up the outer planet. And I guess, and you've just given an idea to all Indian architects listening to this podcast, but it's interesting that that's clearly sawed up a tellers a bit, a huge figure in Indian history and a statue, which is a product, projects of your, your opinion splitting prime minister, Narendrara Modi is designed to reflect his standing in Indian politics and history. And similarly in Britain, we are about to unveil a statue

of David Cameron. It will be two inches tall in an eight foot ditch and covered with a lump of badger shit. In further world teetering on the edge of total chaos news, now the G20 are meeting in Buenos Aires. Now we've throughout the history of the bugle have kept you up to date on what the G20 is not. It of course is not simply the seventh option in a multiple choice quiz about the number of times in the average minutes that Boris Johnson thinks about the speech he's going to make to the press outside 10 Downing Street the day he becomes prime minister.

Nor is G20 merely a sign that you're playing scrabble against a cheat. Nor is G20 what you would reply if someone asked you the question in an ideal world, how many tickets would you like for Andy's ultimate 2018 the certifiable history. The 18th of December to the 5th of January. G20, all details online, the SOH Theatre website. The G20 are of course the least of the world's richest, most powerful, richest, richest and most powerful nations. And they are heading to Argentina and such is the esteem in which the head honchoes of the world are held.

But the entire city is being shut down while they're there. There's a public holiday, no public transport, there are no go zone sprouting up all over the city, all flights are diverted. This is, I mean, you put all the world leaders in one place. That mean just nothing else is allowed to happen. I mean, Adi, look, this is fantastic, but I think the main reason for this is the Saudi Arabian Crown Prince is going to be there, right? So you know from recent news that anytime the Saudi Arabian Crown Prince shows up somewhere with security guards and suitcases, run. The Turkish noise better than anyone else, but Washington Post knows it. I mean, it is, when it's very interesting, I mean, it could just generally,

the world, the G20R, a collection of the world's smartest, rest, despoch, shyesters, democratic, elected leaders, criminals, human rights violators and murderers. And just some tick more of those boxes at once. The others, I'm only tick one, some tick, tick the lot. And Mohammed bin Salman, the Saudi crown prince, come a hitman, which is an interesting new strain of multitasking, only self-dolph, Saudi scribeslayer. He is, it is set to attend despite the threat of an arrest warrant that could be issued on charges that he was insufficiently

ascidious in taking every available step to ensure that dissenting journalists and embassies were not killed, bones or diseases and disappeared by a squad of state operatives who just happened to be passing through at the same time. Of course, we'll let the legal system be the arbiter of that. The Prince, of course, is keen to maintain Saudi Arabia's standing as a trading force with the other G20 leaders. And to make his point, it's been reportedly making the noise of a car failing to start after running out of fuel as a simple means

of getting his point across to the other 19 Gs. And also, the Saudi delegation is apparently arriving in six planes. And it's interesting how they chose that number of planes, six planes, was most delegation just arriving in one plane. They've chosen that number just in case they have to fly back from the summit with the limbs head and torso of a Saudi skeptic journalist separately packaged

for safekeeping. Trump's coming in on 10 planes. Whereas the UK, your shitty little country, Eddie, is arriving in merely one. How's that empire going? Everything alright? That's probably an air-India plan. We've still got Gibraltar.

It's not over yet. You're so right, the G20 is so gross. These awful war monger is getting together, just looking fast here in writes of users further in the interest of global capital at the expense of everybody else. And yet, I still hate it less than the T20, because that's cricket. And cricket's bad.

Which is a similar collection of people. That's the thing. Yeah. Who's more corrupt, the T20 or the G20? Oh, that is impossible to say. Tough. Tough. Question about Saudi Arabia gentlemen.

Now, Saudi Arabia, no questions about Saudi Arabia. No questions about Saudi Arabia. What kind of aphabets disappeared in the Rida Riyadh consulate? What happened? Question is, Saudi Arabians are the largest investors in Uber. So where does the Saudi crown prince to be detained?

Kept in a consulate as our enemy would have it in the middle of Buenos Aires. Would there be millions of people just stranded on their morning commute? Oh, I guess that's a good way to keep the world on side, isn't it? Correct. Genius. My driver is six days late, according to the map, because the crown prince is in a Consulate in Buenos Aires. BELLS

Sport now, and well, it's been thrilling stuff at the World Chess Championships. The World Chess Champion, Magnus Carlson, stuff at the World Chess Championships. The World Chess Champion, Magnus Carlson, has won the World Chess Championships to retain the title of being still the Riding World Chess Champion. After 12 draws in a row against the American upstart Fabiano Carolina, 12 draws in a row and in action packed, nerve-dejangling anti-thriller that put the block back into blockbuster and heart back to the true glory days of test match cricket when sporters played, not for glory, not for excitement, not for victory.

It was based on able participants and spectators to commune suitingly with the essential futility of existence. Carlson and Carroana went at each other, unused hammer and still packaged tongs over the fortnight. Neither man was able to put the others queen in the back of the net or hit the king out of the chess park. And then it went to a sudden death chess off, with each player allowed one new piece they'd

invented themselves. Carlson went for the public relations officer, a low movement high impact piece that stays on the same square out of danger, but makes your opponents pieces turn on each other and take each other off the board. Whilst Carrie Warren, a foodishly with hindsight, chose the footballer, which danced up the board but then threw itself to the ground claiming to have been fouled by Carlson's bishop, thus instantly resigning the game. Ultimately, Carlson's superior pawn work used highly motivated, immigrant pawns who moved twice the numbers of spaces in the same amount of moves.

That proved decisive whilst Karawana regretted turning his castle into a luxury boutique hotel that looked great, but lacked basic chess functionality. A disappointed Karawana said regretfully afterwards, I can't help feeling that I left a lot of chess pieces out there on the chessboard, but f**k it. It's basically glamorizing feudalism, so I'm f**king glad I lost. Why is there a bishop, and not an imam, or a rabbi? What kind of f**king message is that? Fucking sending. I wish I was to it now.

Sounds good. Well, that brings us kicking us screaming to the end of this week's this week's bugle. I do hope you've enjoyed it. It's been a delight. Have you both, both, back on? And don't forget to come to all of my show shows from the 18th of December to the finish January.

Have you guys got anything you want to plug? There's something on the BBC World Service that I'm doing some stand up, but that's boring. What I want to mention is that I'm leaving London to go to a show for Indian scientists who are working at Geneva at the CERN research centre, which is the place where they try to discover the God particle. And I'm a bit concerned that the scientists are trying to say that God is Indian, which makes sense because he's mysterious, absent, duplicitous, and everywhere. And the gentleman said, you know, we want some stand up because we're trying to bring

an Indian perspective to space research. And it really worries me because I have a feeling that if they do that they're going to say nonsense like if Jupiter does not behave itself it will be reborn as a 300 dog. So that's where I'm off to Andy. Okay. Right. Well try to make sure the whole planet doesn't blow up. That hasn't happened yet, has it? Rich. Rich.

Still no destruction of the planet caused by the Sun, particle accelerator. That's good. Right. Rich, Danny and Forkris there. I don't know if that's the first time we've featured on the show right at the end. Can I cut that later?

All right. That's what I'm saying. Tom, have you anything coming up to alert? Oh, listen to me. Yeah, I'm doing gig for NASA soon. I'll be talking about gravity and, no, I'm doing the Ch NASA soon. I'm only talking about gravity and no, I'm doing the chuckle heart, heart, heart club, but nowhere. But no, by 2019, set up show is called enough.

And I'd love everyone to come along to that around Australia. It's heading around all the festivals. And again, I just really want to reiterate that Nick is just a very large cow. Okay. Thank you. Consider that. Rehazurated. Thank you. Consider that reiterated. Thank you. Do send us some emails to HelloBugle as at theBuglePodcast.com.

Next week we'll have details on this new relaunch. Re- relaunch of the bugle that will be coming soon. Thanks very much for listening. Until next time, goodbye. you