The Bugle - The Bugle 2017 Review: Men are Terrible

Episode Date: December 31, 2017

What a year. WHAT. A. YEAR. It will be remembered primarily for the actions of many terrible men. Thanks guys.From January to December, we give you some of the biggest stories of the year, including Trump, Theresa, Bobby Mugs, Harvey and many others. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugglers, and welcome to Bugal 4,054, Sub-episode 2017! The official Bugal Review of the Year 2017!

I am Andy Zoltzman, Hardened Veteran of all 365 days of this renowned year, and once again, it has been a year containing more than one major news story as is so often the case these days. Of course, the most significant factor in this year has been that it has once again taken place under the watchful eye of the bugle, the universe's official audio newspaper of historical record. During our hiatus, the entire foundations of civilization basically crumbled. Sorry about that, but since our return, late last year ISIS have had a terrible time and stock markets have rocketed. I know it's probably nothing to do with us, but other people seem to be taking credit for shit like that, so why shouldn't we do the same? So, coming

up month by month are the unargargulable highlights of 2017, beginning appropriately enough for fans of chronologically linear sequencing with January. I think it does seem to be that anyone who opposes Brexit is sort of seen as a kind of traitor and someone who needs to be expelled, Nigel Farage, who is a total as way as way did in a game, saying that he hopes that Ivan is the first of many to go. And the spirit of Brexit seems very much to be, we have got our freedom back. And if you don't agree, go f**k yourself.

That is the spirit of Brexit. Farage complained about who, so Ivan Rogers was replaced with, he was replaced with Satim Barrow. And for us, put up a tweet saying, good to see that the government have replaced a knighted career diplomat with dot dot dot a knighted career diplomat. Well, fair point Nigel, because of course the last thing you want in top level diplomacy is a diplomat, which is not a career diplomat with years and years of relevant experience because they're just gonna come in-ish

with a hackneyed old ways of doing diplomatic stuff negotiating stuff by the book. And what we need in this country, we don't need that, we need an absolute novice who comes in unencumbered by the dead weights of experience and expertise, unconstrained by the constricting shackles of having even a vague f***ing clue what might be going on.

What we need is a randomly chosen Brexit voter as our official Brexit Britannia representative to sit in a paddling pool. Sit in a paddling pool in the middle of negotiating and wearing a knotted handkerchief on the head saying, do I, I, I'll splash you. What we need, Nish, as only Mr. Farage has had the courage to point out is someone who believes in Brexit, someone who

will sit in negotiations with their eyes squeezed, tight shut on their fingers and their ears, believing as hard as they possibly can. What we need is someone dressed as a bulldog to run around barking at the Germans and shitting on the carpet. That's what we need. We don't need a career diplomat. God save the Queen.

God save the Queen. I'm tearing up over here. Yeah. MUSIC 2017 will be remembered as the day, the factories close, rusted out factories, and the drugs, and the gangs. These are just righteous people. This is your celebration. Your voice, your hopes, and your

dreams stops right here, and stops right now. At the center of this movement, trillions and trillions of dollars, we will get our people, radical Islamic terrorism, for everyone to follow. We will rediscover there is no room for God. We've enriched foreign industry. It's going to be only...

America, first. America, first. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain standing while the president and official party depart the platform. You will be released by sections shortly. And now... February. And in the top story this week,

like all top stories everywhere, in any country of the world, including southern Suriname, his Donald Trump. I have a question, Andy. Okay. So a judge in Seattle, a Republican judge,

blocked a nation, had a nationwide block on the travel ban. And he said, you can't stop people just randomly from different countries coming in. Fair enough. And Trump called him a so-called judge. Yeah. And my question is, does this now revolutionize

judgments everywhere in the world from the Greek system of justice? Like, for example, if a man in India has been tried for murder and a sentence to death. Could he just stand up and say, well, that's your judgement from a so called judge in this so called court, in your so called justice system. Right. See, I see it a different way actually. I see this as an example of Trump being extremely respectful to both the American justice system and Judge Robot himself. He called them a so-called judge, which is fair enough because there was nothing about

James Robot that intrinsically makes him a judge. It's merely the fact that humans evolved language to communicate ideas and gradually form some concept of justice requiring people with expertise and authority to be given the jurisdiction to apply the concept of justice and call it justice and themselves be called judges and for James Robot to attain the elevated level that enables us to call him a judge. So highlighting all the human evolution that has gone into him being appointed a judge and called a judge, merely highlights one amazing guy he must be. I mean, this is trump bowing the knee to the concept of justice. You know, I'm reminded of a story of a court in Uttar Pradesh in India where a judge felt so unsafe

because the the area he was a judge of was filled with so many vandals and criminals that he sat on the judge's desk with a gun. And I felt that that's your then one step away from then announcing the sentence and carrying it out yourself by shooting the guy in the face. Right, I do hope Donald Trump does not listen to this episode. That will give him ideas that will be very hard to stop. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m- working out based on the historical events of Men's Day and Women's Day, which of those two days has done more damage to the planet. All right, I'm ready. Okay.

1495 was the birth date of the Portuguese saint John of God, the patron saint of booksellers, the dying, mental health, hospitals and nurses. All good causes. He also died on Women's Day. No, that's because they thought saints were born and died on women's day. No, that's because they thought saints were born and died on the same day. Oh, he didn't actually do it. It's a fake, it's a tax thing. TTC. And 1931, the birth of the South African Cricketer, Neil Adcock. Well, it's terrific fast-bowler, almost underrated fast-bowlers in

the women's day. Women's day. His mother was a woman to be fair. Where he was a terrific fast-puller. Shared a birthday with Gary Newman and Gazcumbs of Supergrass. Also, on Wimmings Day, the Spanish Prime Minister, Eduardo Dato Herradio, was assassinated in 1921, thank you sisters. And in 1949, Mildred Gillars, also known as Axis Sally, was condemned to prison for treason. She was an American broadcaster, employed by the Third Reich Helen in Nazi Germany to proliferate propaganda during World War II. Oh, if you talk about Nazi Germany and your men's day in 1943, the Nazis liquidated Genofsky concentration camp, murdering at least 6,000 Jews after failed uprising and mass escape attempt.

Well, thanks for raising the tone of this show. Women's Day, 1963, the Bath Party comes to power in Syria in a coup d'etat by a clique of quasi-leftist Syrian army officers if I make, quote, the internet. I mean, that's going well, isn't it? But because of Women's Day, that happened. Everything that's happening in Syria now is because of that in 1963 on Women's Day. But 1658 on Women's Day, the piece of Ross Skilder

was declared between Sweden and Denmark, and look how those pals are still getting on. Oh, you have got a point on that one. But on Men's Day, perhaps probably the greatest, one of the high points of human culture and civilization, Pele, the Brazilian football genius, scored his 1,000th goal. That's he did not notice that he did not wait until the 8th of March to do that. He did it on the 19th of November because he's a man.

But also on men say in 1824, a storm caused the St. Petersburg flood which killed 10,000 people because of men because of men. Well, you say that, but then in the 1985 on men's day, Reagan and Gorbachev met for the first time, hell-roaring approaches that brought an end to the Cold War and the threat of nuclear annihilation. Yeah, women were doing absolutely nothing about. We can't do it. If you're already trapped in a bunker of society by men, I mean, don't you see any women in those pictures? Do you have any books? I don't know if they're your Christmas city.

Party sausage party. But also on Wednesday in 1994, in Britain, the first national lottery draw was held, spawning millions of really boring gambling habits. In 1618 on Wemis Day, Johannes Kepler discovered the third door of planetary motion, which is the best one because of rule of three, as a comedian you'll be familiar with that. Third time for John.

And on on Men's Day, the Slovenian philosopher Clement Jugg was born and he made everyone else's name seem boring. We're all suffering because of Clement Jug. Well, Chris, I think you can adjudicate. You want me to adjudicate? Yeah, which day has done more damage. Women's Day 1979, the CD was demonstrated publicly for the first time. Given I was also six months old, I'll probably also shut myself in. With excitement about the CD's and also gender equality. I'm going to say that the winner is sort of early August.

You're a natural born compromise. Yeah, I'm not getting pumped. That's what the world needs. It's April time. Election fever. They said she wouldn't do it. She said she wouldn't do it. No one was asking her to do it. She said she wouldn't do it again.

There was absolutely no need to do it. She said she seriously wouldn't do it. Everyone had forgotten that she might do it. She said she wouldn't do it again. It was absolutely no need to do it. She said she seriously wouldn't do it. Everyone had forgotten that she might do it. But she did it anyway. Theresa May has called a snap election. I'm going to even make the news here in Australia. Yeah, I saw it on my Facebook feed. Well, I mean, that shows what big story. You say it is infiltrating my friendship circle. People are posting up things. I mean, I think in a post Trump world, you need to up the stakes in politics to get your nose

and the news. Going back on your word and doing something completely off the cuff and unthought through makes you relatable to the common man because people look at you and they go like, oh yeah, I remember the time I did a U-turn against traffic on a freeway at midnight because I wanted to McDonald's. I want my politics to reflect that.

All right. So it's three of them playing the Yeah, it's like all the politicians at the moment just sat down and watched an 80s movie marathon and then they just heard the phrase It's mad, but it might just work one too many times and they're hoping the public will confuse the word sudden with the word decisive You know like those people who say I'm just honest when they mean I'm just a cockhead. Thank you. You're coming with your semantics. She called a snapper like she's then explained why

in a speech outside number 10 down in street. I mean, it was like six minute speech. Quite impressive that she might as well get through those six minutes without any point, saying the words, obviously this is just naked political opportunism. And that wasressive self-restraint in between the bits about no one being allowed to play political games anymore and doing what's best for Britain. Naked Impressive. Naked political opportunism is my favourite kind of naked. Well, you're sharing too much again, Alex. My second favourite is naked in the kitchen. Too often go a hand in hand.

If your job wants Instagram feed, there's anything. Look, I don't dress. Impressive display from the woman who's put the chance into Liv's next door to the chance. And Britain has come down with election fever yet again, classic symptoms of election fever. Shivering, hot sweats, headaches, general listlessness and uncontrollable vomiting. Shivering very much at the icy blast of the

artically cynical pragmatism unleashed from the permafrosted political heart of the reason, eh? Hot sweats as we flush red with the embarrassment of what the f*** is going on in our country, headaches provoked by a milli-contemplate in the prospect of two more months of political bitchcraft. At General Listlessness, as we contemplate the options on the electoral menu thrown up by this kind of slow motion car crash collision of 21st century political expedience and an 18th century political system.

And vomiting at the pure naked hypocrisy of our Prime Minister, tough times to be a British democracy fan as well. Yeah, I mean, you're heading towards the path of the Australia's, hey, can you just, and make it hypocrisy of our Prime Minister. Tough times to be a British democracy fan, that's... Yeah, I mean, you're heading towards the path that Australia's taking. You just, you know, one Prime Minister in and another one out, you know. Yeah, we turn over Prime Minister's a quite a high rate, mainly so they don't have a chance to do anything

because things are okay here, the mainstream. Because you have three-year terms, don't you? Yeah, three-year terms. We sort of, you know, that's a loose term. Yeah, by three years. By three years, then. Like the full three years these days. Nah, I mean, it's not even an aspiration anymore.

You just want to get in and then once you're in, it's like, I've made it. Had the portrait done. Yeah, it got the portrait. Yeah, it's, give someone else a go. Move over. Right. Don't hog the seat. So that's what we do.

And I think it's good to see that the brits are sort of taking that up as well. The way we do it is, as Australians, we don't like tall poppies. We have this tall poppy syndrome and we don't like tall poppies, we have this tall poppy syndrome, and we don't like tall poppies. So the moment we elect someone into power, we're like, ooh, think you're better than us to do. We're very OCD about the height of our poppies. We don't know, we don't care.

Is that a smart guy? Are you trying to be smart? You're gonna catch you down. I don't want an actual measurement incentivation. But I think that's what's going on with the Brits, you know, they just want changed. Why? I don't know. And she sense that. Briggs, it was probably that as well. Well, I think Briggs what's going on with the Brits, you know, they just want change. Why? I don't know. And she sends that.

Brexit was probably that as well. Well, I think Brexit was that. It was basically what happened was a Britain was left alone in an empty room with nothing in the room, but a single electrical socket. Pfft! Eventually. At some point inevitably, we were going to put our penis in that lock. Pfft!

Pfft! The reason they said we must come together... Is that how you got your hair like that? That is my business out. Andy is the manifestation of Britain putting its penis in an magical socket. Can I use that on my poster please? To make Star Momin Australia. Real Fist Arden as I've been saying. Meeeeeeay!

Yes, in No Low to Low News, Australian Literary Magazine added a Roger Franklin decided he was going to leverage the appalling tragedy into a petty political vendetta against Q&A, which is a Monday night light political debate program that he has on the ABC. So he wrote an opinion piece saying that had there been a shred of justice, the Manchester Blast would have detonated

in an ultimate TV TV studio because he'd wanted to punish the ABC for refusing to acknowledge the true causes of terrorism. And I don't know, I could tend that had there been a shred of justice, Franklin would have been sidelined by a terrible case of colon evacuation and the time he spent in the toilet pooping out his dreams would have been just long enough to make him think twice. You know, maybe he'd think between spurts of hot rectal regret. Oh, you know, what's not actually cool? Trivializing the murder of children by co-opting the weight of their senseless death to add force to a metaphor in a minor literary spat. And then he

would have wiped his bottom and not suggested that lefties and moderate Muslims being on television should have been the rightful target of an incredibly wrongful attack. I don't know. You can be reliably relied upon to bring some spectacular bodily analogies to. Generally, you're pretty much your first full sentence on each bugle you've been on, has rocketed right into the top five of most... well, crudest things ever said on this show. I'm sorry, I'm thought as i thought is very well spoken in the street absolutely at the two are not mutually exclusive unquestionably june

it was a very odd election in the conservatives uh... basically exactly the same vote share and number of voters Tony Blair in his biggest triumph in nineteen ninety seven they got the same forty two and a half percent of the votes thatcher in nineteen eighty three hundred she walked home with a 144 seat majority. More than Thatcher in 1987 when she got a 100 seat majority, they're resurgent in Scotland where they've basically been, spent the last 20 years checking into a mortuary and whacking tags on their own toes. And yet the result is a total f***ing catastrophe for the Conservatives

and the Prime Minister clinging to office by some extremely ill-kept fingernails. Context is all, it was amazing to me how quickly the Tory party turned on Theresa, which firstly suggests what a noxious culture there is within the party, but secondly suggests that she has both been shaped by that culture, having been in it for such a long time, and has shaped it having been in it for such a long time. Yeah, it feels like that happens a lot in the Republican Party and the states that people will put someone up on a pedestal and be like, he's the next, you know, he's the next savior

and then he does one thing, they're like, we never liked him. I liked very much Anna of Sue Breeze. Victory speech seemed wrong. It had the tone of a concession speech, even though she won. So it went on for many minutes, and it was like a one woman performance of Abigail's party. And middle of the night, she looked kind of haunted, and she basically kept saying,

well, Theresa May is a shit pile. She's a shit pile. I'm paraphrasing. LAUGHTER She's got to go, because she's f***ing shit. And I thought you're supposed to be on the same team. Thank you for interpreting those words, of course. Of course, an asymmological master.

I just call it like I see it. Well, if you are enjoying this compilation of buglings, don't forget, my live review of the year show, and his Altsman's 2017 The Certifiable History, continues at Soho Theatre from the 2nd to the 6th and the 9th to the 12th of January, co-starring Bugle Australian Lapt Buddhist of the Year Alice Fraser. The run has been specially extended to the 12th due to fate, destiny, and the heart felt desire to give you buglers

as much chance as possible to see it. And a gap appearing in Soho schedule that needed emergency short term notice filling out by a show that is by no means selling at Shut Up Andy. Remember 2018 is the year of Zoltz marketing, I'll think for the United Nations to choose, but there you go. Anyway, do come along it's fun show to do, and I hope a fun show to watch, do come in as large numbers as you can possibly manage. Thank you. Thereafter, my UK and Ireland satirist for higher tour begins in Southport on the 13th of January, then Sulford on the 14th. There's a bugle live show at Leicester Square Theatre on the 18th of January also featuring Alice, then satirist for higher plows onwards,

the remaining January dates, Birmingham the 19th, Brahms Grove on the 20th, Oxford the 23rd, Aldershot the 24th, Nottingham 25th, Milton Keynes 26th, then Aberdeen on the 29th, Edinburgh the 30th, and Glasgow the 31st. Then on into February and Lodgemorkings, including my first Ireland gigs for 15 years in Galway, Dublin and Belfast, the 10th, 11th and 12th of February. Sorry, Kallani, but if you think I'm coming back to you after what happened in that so-called comedy club gig in a hotel nightclub in 2002, you are very, very, very much mistaken. Full details of all the tour gigs which run up to early March at andesaltzman.co.uk and do send your requests for topics to satirize this

at satiristforhire.com. Back to the bugle review of the year now and the famous celebrity month July. It's fine. Let history be the judge of that. And... How present we can be the judge of that? And you owe me, Helen. You owe me because I remember when we went to a brass band concert in the Tombridge Wells Assembly room when you were aged naught. And you did a shit so big that they basically had to stop the concert,

so it could be clear that. Really? The reason you owe me is because I've never, ever told anyone about that in public. Do you feel better now, but you've got it out your system as evidently I did then? That was one of the most spectacular three-dimensional heckles in showbiz history. Also, also joining us, someone from... Happy to be here. An entirely different family. It's Steve Farmer, four-weight world boxing champion, widely regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter

of the mid-1990s. From Norfolk... Oh, no, sorry, that's the introduction on written in case pernell sweet pea wittaker turned up. He's not here, so, anyway, someday. It's slend. Joining us for neither the first time, nor the last, it's this week's convincing winner of the most bearded bugle co-host of the week. It's Nishkumar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Zoltman. Hello, Buglas! Here we are, back Andy, performing inside an upturned purple cow.

Oh, another cow? Have you taken the cow off? Oh, it's not a cow! Oh, it's slaughtered cow. Oh, nothing. You've taken the cow off. Oh, it's not a cow. Oh, it's slaughtered it. Oh, really? Well, that's good for me, because every time I used to do a gig in here, it was a real... It was really pissing on my Hindu upbringing. LAUGHTER Is it kosher?

It just amounts to Hindu's, mate. LAUGHTER You can't be like, well, I can't eat beef. Well, it's kosher. Yeah, that's not relevant to me in any way. Double negative. Nice to see you guys. You are one of the worst Jews of all time.

Another classic Kenny Rogers song. Yeah. Oh, grust! Top story, world on the brink of nuclear war. On a positive note, this might solve the climate change crisis. Yay! Every mushroom cloud has for silver lining. So this is, so there might be a war It looks like between North Korea and the US. I'm jumping

the gun a little bit, but it feels like that's where this might be going. My interpretation of what's happening right now with Trump challenging North Korea is basically the last president of the United States was black, right? So now we all have to die. And I think that's the policy decision that has been made at this point. Okay, I hadn't spotted that logic before, but that doesn't make sense now. That you mention it. I mean, I was like, I've been away for a few weeks and I miss the escalation of this crisis which seemed to happen largely while Donald Trump was playing golf.

I guess you have to ask how likely is war and I guess the answer is well, how long is a piece of string and the answer to that is how long is a piece of string? And the answer to that is, that depends whether that piece of string has got two fucking lunatics pulling as hard as possible at either end shouting, rap your tape measures around this, you're fucking losers. Correct. That's correct. If I had to put my money on it though, I would guess that there probably will not be a massive global Armageddon level apocalypse grade conflict arising from this, because for every one person who wants it to kick off and make things go boom

There are approximately 3.75 billion who are probably not not as keen Basically, this seems to boil down not so much to you know a classic build up of of geopolitical tension that many wars originate from. This is basically just a Dick swinging contest. And I mean that's fine to an extent, but the problem is when Dick's gets swung, there is always a danger that porcelain ornaments will be knocked off relatively low mantle pieces. That is the concern for me as a member of the human race, particularly when one of those

doing the swinging is Kim Jong-un, a one man who rules North Korea with a rod of stupid, stupid iron. Surely even he can't be that keen on unleashing the full might of everyone else's military on his shitty little country. What will that do to the living standards of ordinary North Koreans? I mean, they'd probably go very slightly up, which is not what he wants. I think that when you're a maniac,

after you lose any kind of contest or when you want to show the other person off, you burn the village after, don't you? So they are planning to burn down the global village. That'll show them. Also quick quick commentary on your commentary. Did you just said if you were to put money on this? Yeah. It seems like a safe bet because if you are wrong, you do not need to to pay up. I guess so. That is the ultimate no lose bet, isn't it?

Yeah, that's a very safe bet. And also with regards to your dick swinging the one thing you left out is It's possible that one of those parties is able to fit a nuclear warhead on the tip of their piece Which would change the dynamic considerably In sexual harassment news, the recent allegations about Harvey Weinstein have been exploding out into the world, a new world for women in which we suddenly realized that people are going to listen when you tell them about that sleazy dude. He did that sleazy thing. New stories have been emerging left right and center, including one about Carrie Fisher, who

apparently sent a cow's tongue to a sleazy producer in Hollywood. She personally delivered it in a Tiffany's box after hearing that he caused himself onto a friend. I think that is absolutely the appropriate gift for a sleazy dude, being a slimy, rough, and a toxic mixture of testosterone and socialization, leading to an arrogant entitlement to the bodies of women, no way that's man again. Kowza, a gentle creature whose only sin is being delicious and farting a lot. That's two shims there, Alice. Well, it depends. It depends if you consider being delicious a sin. Oh, well.

Women in Hollywood and around the world are using the hashtag Me Too to share their experiences of sexual harassment. In France, women are using hashtag Balance Tom Pork, which roughly translates to rat out your pig. This hashtag went viral this week and encourages women to speak up in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal. The French government has capitalized on this recently proposing a bill that seeks to crack down on sexual harassment, which would include, according to gender equality minister

Mishyapa, on the spot finds for, quote, when someone breaks into your vital space, talks to you within 10 or 20 centimeters of your face, follows you for three, four, five or six streets, or asks for your telephone number about 17 times. It's very specific, and I think it's like something that happened to her. It's got the specificity of this dude this morning. I think on the spot finds for sleazy douchebags on public transport are an amazing idea. France is going to be the richest government in the world. You know, about five minutes. If I had a dollar for every time some dude said something disgusting to be about my body and his

giz I would be richer than Harvey Weinstein. Also, if on the spot finds verse six, all harassment were given directly to the women being harassed, you would fix the pay gap within a month. It's interesting that she went for, falling for three, four, five, or six streets. I mean, that's got a specific range that, isn't it? I mean, one or two might be coincidence. Seven, I don't know, is that because that's now showing

a level of romantic commitment that needs to be acknowledged or? I think it's seven you're married. That's how it works. I mean, you're gonna thought three or four would start to get to the, you're obviously not gonna get the telephone number phase of the conversation. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know, women aren't very good at maths, so. This is the world we're living now, I can make that joke and you can't laugh at that joke. This is a bit of hugely depressing story and I guess an encouraging response to it. It's a story that made Hollywood manage to make itself look even less ethical than it already did, which is in its own way quite an impressive feat of moral gymnastics. This is our shameful patriarchal omurter that does slightly make you think, Alice, that

perhaps men ought now to be taking a break from their current 2 million years stint as the de facto gender in charge of planet earth. I think we've had maybe a fair crack of the whip and just made a little mental refresh, reassess our priorities and goals as a gender, chill out and then come back refresh for another two million years. Just have a little bit of a sit and think about what you've done, you know? Just sit back, have a cup of tea, feel regret and shame, come back into society, better bend, and on behalf of all women I forgive you. We fixed it! Nooovember.

Robert Mugabe is completely f**ked and he is yet. He's under house arrest. Although when they say, I keep reading reports to say he's confined to his house by the military and you're like, he's 93 years old. You don't need the military to do that. You just need a particularly steep set of stairs. There's been some dispute of a whether or not it is technically a coup or not. The African Union President says it seems like a coup. The military are denying that it's a coup and they did so in a broadcast from the state

television station that they had taken over. You have to admire the barefaced kooie balls of that. I guess as the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably an ally of Robert McGarby in a duck outfit disguise, trying to sneak his way to safety past the load of soldiers in a f***ing tank. So it's not a military takeover of government, says the military, having taken over. Yeah, it doesn't look great. The root of the conflict in this occasion

is that last week, Mugabe Sackt, Emerson Magangua, his former deputy, who was assumed would take power. And it was widely assumed that this was a way of clearing a path for his 52-year-old wife, Grace wife Grace to assume power who is quite a divisive figure. A lot of people feel that her lavish spending at a time when many's in Barbouin's experience horrendous economic conditions was at best distasteful and there are others who are fine with it presumably because she is paying them to say they're fine with it as part of her incredibly lavish lifestyle. And they met in the 1990s. This is an alarming detail

that I did not know. They met in the 1990s while Maghambi was married to his wife Sally as she suffered from terminal cancer and just when you think it can't get any worse it gets worse which in many ways is the epithet of Robert Maghambi's time in charge of Zimbabwe. Also terminal cancer. Yeah. Zing. This is direct quote from Magarby, right? On his courtship of grace whilst he was married to his wife Sally who, let's remember, was dying. It was necessary for me to look for someone, and even as Sally was still going through her last few days, although it might have appeared to some as cruel, I decided to make love to Grace. Now, just when you think, again, all right, immediately we know Mugabe is a fully class act, right? But this is

what he says of Grace, she happened to be one of the nearest. LAUGHTER And she was a divorcee herself, and so it was. Oh, boy, that is like listening to a Barry White record. That is so romantic, you just want to f***. At the first time of my wedding, I don't want to love is all around or every breath you take. I want to hear a recording of this on a loathe for three minutes.

So was he the first man to swipe bright in the sense that he swiped his wife for her deathbed? And finally, December. I'm so confused by this. I had to get my Scottish boyfriend to explain it to me, which I sometimes do. So that thinks it might be a regular feature now that I have my Scottish boyfriend explain things to me. So Scottish boyfriend explains it. Do you want to know how explained it? Yeah. I had to ask him to explain to me how the situation came about in the first place. And what he said was, after World War II, everybody felt bad for like the Jewish people on that. So Leski and some of the holy land.

Arab states said, nah man, give me a bit of Germany because they were the ones who would out of order during the war. And then everyone else said, nah pal, Jerusalem. And gradually, Israel has just taken the piss into it. So, in 1967, and they then annexed a bit. So, Israel stole it and now Trump has basically gone, well you stole the ages ago so it's yours now, a bit like Finders Keepers except Steelers Keepers. Well I mean it's slightly alarming that your Scottish boyfriend appears to have a slightly more nuanced appreciation of the delicate situation than the leader of the three world.

appreciation of the delicate Than the leader of the three world. I Think it's a genius move by Trump. What he's gone in is he's gone in and he's just been an utter full and I'm hoping I think he's hoping to unite them against him I think he's being a real hero here putting himself out there and hoping that they can at least all agree on the common ground that he's a Bring the world together. Well, as I said you know it's it's it's all and as what it goes to some people promised to us by God or what it was it Arthur Balfour. We'll see the sun was Balfour the sun I forget. Well they were related. I can't remember. But I mean just through history over you know hundreds of thousands of years

Jerusalem is well it's kind of changed hands more often than the flesh regenerating clip to maniac Saudi Arabian, Android. Is that going to be on the next season of Doctor Who? Because I need to see that. Balfour, very much the King Solomon of his day, wisely cutting the metaphorical baby of Jerusalem in half, although he slipped when he saw a puff and cut the baby into rather too rather uneven halves. But you know, it's been right since the very creation of earth in 4,000 and 4 BC to Jerusalem has been a battleground. Yes. I don't know. My theory is that there are

assholes on each end of this very complex faceted asshole machine and they're just spraying each other and then everyone with the in the radius of the shit spray gets covered in shit And then they get angry and drop their pants and then there's a veritable unidirectional travi fountain of rage poop. It stinks It stinks Andy, but also Lashanna Hava baby O'Rushelle him right couldn't agree with you more Next year in Jerusalem Andy as a half-two and a love's two. Let's do it Here in Jerusalem, Andy, as a half-two and a left-two, let's do it. Well, Buglers, there you go. The entire 12 months, bagged, tagged, and ready for the historical incinerator in one easy package. On a personal note, I would like to thank all my bugle co-hosts this year,

who have made the show such a total delight for me to do. I would like to thank you, the Buglers, for continuing to listen to, correspond with and support the show. I do hope you've enjoyed the rebooted Bugle as much as I have, if you do want to contribute, financially to the show. That option is still available via the website. Every little bit helps to keep the show alive and thriving. There will be more live Bugles, hopefully, on an expanded range of continents in 2018. I would like to thank our many and varied sponsors and our hosts Radio Topia. It's been a pleasure to be benedict with such an esteemed Medleo-Cornucopia-Glomeranthola-Gilection of podcasts. It emolages

your way out of that one, Helen Zoltzmann. And above all, I would like to thank on behalf of myself and all Bughlers and indeed humanity produce a Chris, the technical, logistical and organisational Noah's Ark to the bugles' squawking managerie of bullshit. We all will be back in 2018, or next week, which ever happened sooner. From 2017, this is Andy's and here's to a less cranky new year. Bye bye!