The Bugle - The Bugle – Andy Zaltzman Speaks

Episode Date: July 6, 2012

With the 200th Bugle just a week away, Andy Zaltzman takes his turn to take listener questions. Producer Chris asks the questions, excellently. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello and welcome to another Bugle bonus as we approach show 200. This week it's the turn of Andy Zaltzmann. Hello Andy. Hello Chris. Hello Bugles. How you doing today Andy? I'm doing it.

Okay thanks Chris. Are you excited about a bugle 200? Well, I think it's gonna be one of the greatest moments in the history of human civilization Chris So yes, of course I'm excited about it. The 21st century's Sistine Chapel ceiling, I like to think of it, but more so I've got about Well, I've got loads of questions for you. We've had hundreds submitted So I'm gonna crack on with them right away Straight up. Let's set the scene James Walker Dean. What is the bugle?

What is the bugle? Well, the bugle is the single most real, high-voltage sort of fact and news in the universe, I would say. That might be, that might not entirely be a fact or news, but I think the point stands it's a it's free I think a you know a bastion of hope in it and otherwise it's gloomy world it's something that people can cling onto and metaphorically add literally stormy weather it's it's it's basically the one thing that is keeping the planet just about taking over. I don't know if I'm going over the top when I say that but I guess we'll let history be the judge. You're holding back, you're holding back.

David McGuire and Erica Gottfried, very similar questions from those. What's your daily routine before recording the bugle? Does it involve a life-size cutout of Florence Nightingale on a tub of goat's cheese? And Erica Rads, do you just wing it every week? The question about the Florence Nightingale, the size cutout and the ghost cheese is currently subdue to say, so I'm not a liberty to comment on that until the core case is completed. Basically, the last sort of 48 hours before a bugle involved, a visualization exercises some altitude training where I write some jokes and then float up in a hot air balloon to see if they work at 30,000 feet. Obviously eating a lot of high-carb foods, you've got a cargo like before doing an intensive podcast such as The Bugle and just reading passages from the

Bible just to come myself down. So basically he basically that plus frantically catching up on news and desperately trying to see the funny sides as the world's slowly ripped itself to pieces. So we don't wing it. No, no, no, we partially wing it, but those wings have been at least tested in advance. So it's not an Icarus style production. This is more a quality aircraft. There is less air, the higher up you go, the lack of oxygen and the altitude training suggest how the pun run came into existence. Yeah, I guess when a lack of oxygen has been proved to cause greater incidence of puns, as anyone who's seen my life showing the last year, now that forced a syndrome, the medical condition

that makes you more predisposed to punning, so I guess altitude could definitely play a part in that. It would be interesting to have a full transcript of exactly what Edmund Henry and Tensing Lorca were talking about as they headed to the top of Mount Everest in 1953, it was probably just gag after gag after gag. In fact, I might see for the next move, I might see if I can discover the long lost transcript from that as you know, we've undercovered a lot of very important documents, so including of course John Grisham's unpublished Congressman's penis novel, and the full details of what happened

when Michael Angelo painted his assistant Chakla a long time ago. So maybe that could be the next bugle exclusive is what, what, what, what, imagery and tensing were saying to each other, as things were increasingly tensing up, and having a hill Hillary, yes. I imagine it was a long nose line.

You mentioned the congressman's penis, Paul West asks, if it was made into a TV series, or better yet he says a Hollywood blockbuster, who would you cast a stantanio and who is the penis? Well I think the view was American would would would make a very good stentanio yeah regarding the penis I don't know his Bob Hoek still alive I mean he probably shriveled up enough to perform a pretty pretty like a penis in a cold room, is that what you're saying? Yeah, I mean, that's not criticism, look at that. But, yeah, I'm not really, I'm not really

thought too much about the casting. I mean, we're still very much of the early stages of getting the commissioner's penis made as a Hollywood blockbuster. So, yeah, who can say about it? Maybe, I don't know, John Tusek, he could probably do a job for the Hulk Hogan, we know he's a massive, legal fan. Q second Hogan, yeah, nice, nice.

Mark Neymark asks, what's the artistic process that you follow coming up with your punk fists and Just what the fuck is wrong with them? What the fuck is wrong with him? And I think what he says him he means you right Well, I mean it's I don't really want to give away secrets of the trade The techniques that go into creating a pun on a human home Over generations and the ultimate family its secrets past to hammer in much like the recipe for Kent, I keep fried chicken, but healthier. And no, what do you mean what is wrong with you? What kind of question is that?

Well, I take deep, lifelong personal offense to that. You know, everyone knows that the palm really, really offers truth to the world in a format that it doesn't necessarily always seek truth in. So I think it's it's it's it's it's comedic medicine I think you might enjoy it at the time but it's doing you long term good. Brad Skinner asks if you were doing a pun run in the middle of a forest would anyone hear Jordan scream? Well, well done Brad. Yeah I mean that's that's one of the ultimate philosophical philosophical boundaries isn't it? That's um yeah sir I mean that's the same as you I feel

just if you're on a raft in the middle of the ocean and you hit yourself in the face, are you an idiot? That's no one knows. There's no right or wrong answer to this. I would say that I'll hope the echoes of it as Maximus Simorby said in gladiator what we do in this life echoes in eternity. And I think, you know, the puns we tell in this life will echo in eternity so I would hope that even if John is not there in the forest to fully appreciate the puns he will be haunted in the afterlife by their distant echo. Final last question on the puns from Chris Puma. Great surname. How much does it cost to commission a bespoke pundran ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to create, you know, it's not just the right and the pungent testing amount on animals

to make sure that their ballots and sake the public consumption. So I mean there's a lot of research goes into that some high tech equipment, you know, calculating the finest wordplay available to humanity. So you know, if you think about all the overhead cost and the time taken, I'd say probably around about 15 pounds. There you go Chris, you've had a quote. There's been several people asking about the audio cryptic crossword Andy, ever again? Well, never say never, I know it's a split aff finian and it didn't just split it, but it landed it in ice cream and it worked at cherry on top. So I'm not sure, I might have to get a cell with John, see if he's open to that.

But do you think John's answer would be? I would probably tell me where to stick myself, but that's just the start of negotiations, isn't it? Yeah, of course. So I quite like to do another one, but that might cause ruckians to bring about the end of the bugle. So it might be a high risk operation. Adam Baton, you can use the curse of the bugle

to get rid of anyone in the world. Who do you choose? To get rid of them. What to have them annihilated? I mean, that's a. Who do you want, Dead Andy? Come on, tell us. That's a tough one, particularly as my wife is sitting just in the next room.

That's a tough question. I'm not really into killing people. You don't have to answer it, Andy. I'm not expecting you to. Yes, set Blatter. And Michel Flattini, possibly. I can't say football administrator. Well, sports administrators, I Michel Flattini possibly, and he comes to football administrator. Well, sports administrators, I think the work

would probably do without. Maybe we should sell up a lunar colony only for sports administrators. So they can only ruin sports on the moon and not on earth as they've been sent here to do so by whatever my level and deity is running this place. Does my administration of the Northeast London

Cricket Leagues website count towards that? And therefore do I need to give the ticket to the moon? Well, I don't know what crackpot crazy schemes you've come up with. I expect all teams to submit their reports by Sunday night, Andy. To me, you know, I was an object of that sort of that seems reasonable, Chris. I might let you off. Okay, thank you. That's probably how Black has start to do as well.

We had a couple of disaster themed questions, which was quite surprising. And I thought I'd put a couple of them to you. Kevin Hiscocks, if you were caught in a live disaster type scenario with food rations non-existent, who would you rather eat, John or me? Well, John is...

Thanks. But John is well John is thanks but John is John is quite a least quite a scrawny individual Chris I know you you're tremendous physical specimen you know one of the best leading leading triathletes and more of a mill and you know obviously you did lose the London marathon but so you had injury problems. Lots of people lost that marathon. There's only one winner, 30,000 total losers. But I reckon you probably make better meets than John. John, you probably want to boil down for stock,

whereas I reckon you could get some pre-dition stakes out of the Eucharist. So I'll probably go for you first, and then the things got really desperate. And I'll eat John second Well, that quotes going on my CV Nathan Burgess you're on an airplane the engines have failed and the plane is going down There are only two parachutes and you are wearing one Also on the plane with you John Oliver producer Chris your lovely wife Yeah, and a life-size statue of Florence

Nightingale, made entirely of Serrano Han. Who gets the second parachute? Well, is this playing definitely going down? It's going down. Oh man, that is a tough call. That really is a tough call. She's in the room next to you. Obviously, my wife would definitely be on the list of contenders. But, I mean, Serrano-Hamm is, you know, particularly, if I'm going to have to think about, if this is a similar scenario to the previous one where I might have to eat a person to survive, then I'll probably don't want to have to eat my own wife, whereas as a statue of Florence and I think I might have Serrano-Hamm.

You know, there would be no guilt involved in that. It'd be a tribute as much as anything. So I think I'd probably go with the Serrano Hamm statue and trust that John's Hollywood connections could get him out of trouble and get you and the wife out of trouble as well. That's very, very diplomatically put. Kevin Lider, three questions. One of my lines, so who's your favourite producer? That's very very diplomatically put. Kevin Lider, three questions, one of my lines, who's your favourite producer? That's obviously me not tall. Why do you think John

is so bad at coming up with puns? Well I think he fears the pun and I mean it's probably something to do with his upbringing, maybe had a different relationship with his parents when he was young and that can really restrict the possibility to make puns. That's why I suddenly hit them, made so few puns, I think. Maybe it fears the comedic beast that could be awakened with who he did make a pun recently on the bugle. He did! He did!

He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He did! He So it's one of these significant flaws as a human being that and shirking tackles on the book of all pitch. Finally, this is a question I actually get asked most weeks and any regular bugler will know we did say we were taking a few weeks off. But given that bugle 200 is just seven days away as we were in this, Kenneth Leung asks, where's my fucking view? Ha ha ha. Well, so this is a question.

People seem to ask that. It is. We didn't usually have five minutes of us having recorded it. Which I think is just expecting too much even as other producer is efficient as you, Chris. Thank you. So our view to London will be very much worth waiting for. And as we mentioned a couple of times it will also hopefully

come inside with a launch of official Buebel merchandise in the four to three quarter years after we started doing the Buebel as the ruthless commercial enterprise so we've always been so exciting times Bue. Hang on. The wait will make it sweeter. Andy Zolkswood, congratulations on all your success. Thank you. Ah, thanks Chris, it's been an honour and a career highlight with Zolksy. you