The Bugle - THE BUGLE REVIEWS 2025, PART 2

Episode Date: January 7, 2026

What a year it was. Here's the 2nd part of our 2025 review, which feels like a million years ago in this current news cycle. Hear more of our shows, buy our book, and help keep us alive by supporting us here: thebuglepodcast.com/This episode was produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, Audio Newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugis, I am Andy Zaltzman, and welcome to part two of your Bugle best of 2025 Roundup Bugle annual yearly special review. This is the shorter-weighted sequel to last week's part one, which covered January to June. If you missed that episode, you will find it in your pod feed right now. In this, the July to December edition, well, the year careens onwards like a regrettable bison in an escape bobsled. There's more from President Trump, plenty of silliness and a much-missed bugle legend returns. But now it's time to turn our attention to July.

Josie Long and Josh Gondelman join me to put President Trump's, shall we say charitably, quirkily individual economic strategy? Can we call it that? Into the bugle spotlight. Top story this week. American news. Well, Josh, as we record,

your one big, beautiful bill is on its way through the highly diseased digestive system of American politics. Bring us up to date with exactly what is going on, why, and what the fuck it all means.

This is a great. question. And I am humiliated that we have to call it the one big beautiful bill. Although I guess because it is a Trump thing, we should be grateful that you didn't call it the big thick bill that never has trouble getting hard no matter what anyone tells you. It has been a tough week. So here's where we stand now. The Senate, which is half of our legislation or one of the two houses of our legislature is in the midst of a voterama to amend the budget. Another wildly undignified term for creating policy that will ruin people. vote around it. That's what they call it because they go. I thought you were being funny and I did not make that up. I would go given how how horribly this is going and what the effects will be with a vote flagration or kind of an American vote stock 99 for a throwback. So yeah, they're voting on all the amendments. That's what's happening now. There's a huge amount of funding for border enforcement. And in addition to the racism and violence, this will promote It is also extremely corrupt.

Hiring more cops of any kind is a huge handout to the Oakley Sunglass Corporation. Open your eyes, people, and then take off your tinted lenses so you can see better. It's been really bad. The border stuff has been bad. I know this is a little digression. But the whole country, ICE, has cracked down raciously on people of color doing, you know, kind of suspicious things like having jobs and walking down the street. And the Trump administration has hastily put up a migrant prison in Florida.

of that they're calling alligator alcatraz that's real the bill itself coming back to the bill it's really bad there for a while in it there was a tax on alternative energy sources so not only were they stripping funding from wind and solar energy but they were actually taxing people to uh to use that kind of energy to promote it uh it's pretty cold to be against gender transition and objectively pro climate change so they are for change only when things are getting worse um they stripped out a provision proposed by adult debate kid Ted Cruz that would have made it illegal to regulate AI for a full decade. It was voted down 99 to 1, although I'm sure Google's AI summary says it's set to go into effect tomorrow. And the bill, if it goes through, it seems likely to take away a ton of

funding from Medicaid, which and millions of people will lose their health care. And it's really scary. America has been in a rough place to begin with health care, of course. And if our social safety net where a literal safety net, we would be a country full of dead trapeze students. So it's a bad time. Well, I guess in terms of the environmental schemes and, you know, taxing green energy, cutting environmentally beneficial schemes, I guess the long-term plan is to save money by rendering all of the USA completely uninhabitable. And so is this not the kind of far-sighted long-term politics that we don't see enough of these days? Also, I think it will achieve their goal of fewer immigrants incoming, right?

Because once we are kind of a madmax hellscape, we are going to become a nation of outgoing immigrants very quickly. It's just an idea it's a brilliant plan if you want to deter people from coming to your country to make it as bad as you possibly can. I also think economically it's very bold to take a strategy of kind of making people's lives worse to really, really transfer all the remaining wealth on earth

to the same three rich guys because obviously, historically, it's never, ever, ever worked. But I feel like Trump's strategy with it is to say, but imagine if it did. This is really wild. I've heard this bill described as the greatest upward transfer of wealth in history, which is kind of impressive because I didn't know the rest of us had enough money at this point for that even to be possible. I thought they had so much money that we couldn't possibly top the previous. upward transfers of wealth.

I was thinking I read this quote by one of Biden's former advisors and she said Republicans are testing the proposition that there is nothing they can do to working class people to make them lose their support. And I just thought like the level of like kink in the American working class is unbearable to me. Like they can't even imagine not having a boot on their neck. So their only choices to lick it is very scary to me. Republican Senator Katie Britt said

we're going to make sure that hardworking people can keep more of their money but all the sort of economic analysis seem to suggest that they'll be keeping more of much less money they'll be having. I don't know how that works mathematically and the stuff they're trying to buy with it will be more expensive so they'll end up even further in debt.

So in essence, they'll be keeping more of their own money which will actually involve keeping less of someone else's money. But I think that's what people voted for, so I think we've just got to respect that. Still, sadly, no sign of the flying magic bison-shitting gold bars from the skies of America that the whole economic scheme is based on

that we've been tracking this on the bugle for some months now. Someday it will come, and all the economic maths will start to add up. See, what you shouldn't worry about with the bill, Josh, is that it is also wildly unpopular. Don't worry about that. Not only will it be unsuccessful, everyone will hate it.

This bill is kind of like a hot dog in that it's like dominating the news around the 4th of July. And the more people learn what's in it, the more nauseated they feel. I also saw that 55% of people oppose it, 31% of people support it, which obviously adds up to 86% because Americans use like pounds and ounces or something. When something is this bad, right? When our legislature is on the verge of making a truly disastrous decision that will probably result in like death and poverty, people are encouraged, like, call your reps. Tell them to vote no on the bill. And I understand that democracy is participatory and it asks us to show up every day. But some of them have to realize

already this is bad. Like, they're reading the same news I have. They might know more. It's just crazy to me that you'd think stop voters in your jurisdiction from dying would not be incentive enough for them to just kind of vote. And it's like, what can you say if they're in favor of the bill? You call them, there's only so much you can say you. I want to urge him to vote no and they go, okay, they're not going to do that. You can't call up your senator and be like, hey man, I'm going to come down there and kick your ass. Like, he's a hardware store owner that sold you a broken lawnmower. Like, what are we supposed to say to these people who want us to die?

August now, and no, hang on, no, August didn't exist in the bugleverse. We were taking a much needed break from world events. So straight to September. Alice Fraser and NATO Green join me as the world's so-called strong men, but actually weak men, had the kind of get-together that makes you thank your lucky stars that you did not go down the same career path as them and end up working as a professional freestyle egomaniac. Top story this week. Oh, God.

The world is still. Look, there's been an interesting conference last week in China. Now, The Bugle, proudly... I'm sorry, Andy, for the listening audience who can't see you, Andy is announcing Top Story while clutching his hands. head. Yeah, I mean, there's quite a lot of weeks where that seems to be the best way to do it. The bugle has proudly proclaimed its World War III will almost certainly not be a good thing, credentials.

It's down with despots, schick, and its military grandstanding is for losers. Thrust on life. We've been doing that since 2007, on and off, at least. So last week's Congress of the Crackpots. the meeting of the megalomaniacs, the symposium of the self-proclaimed strongman was not our personal kettle of sardines. It did provoke some, frankly, hilarious responses from America's so-called president. What did you guys make? We had Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-un. It's kind of bro-bonding in the way that despots do.

Well, it's just nice to see men having friends, actually, Andy. You know, we are having a crisis of masculinity, and part of us that the men don't form these strong social groups with people over common interests. On the other hand, it does show some of the flaws in the way that we model heterosexual male friendships. Like, why does it always have to be events-based? Can't you just catch up for a chat?

Why does it need to be a massive military parade or a football game or paint? ball or nuclear war. It just, it feels like this is, it was a bit much for inviting your friends around for tea. It showed maybe some insecurity on the part of G. The parade began with an 80 gun artillery salute, which marked 80 years since the end of the war, because nothing says peacetime like firing guns at the roof of the world.

And then G said the world must choose between peace and war, thereby proving that despite his friendly approach to Russia, he hasn't bothered to read Tolstoy. It's war and peace, but I mean, with that choice, it's such an odd choice to be presented with. If the world is choosing between peace and war, you're like, obviously, I'm going to go for the peace, but it feels like a classic iTunes terms and conditions situation. What are the sub clauses that we're agreeing to when we click peace? There was helicopters, fighter jets in formation, there was the release of 80,000 peace doves and 80,000 colourful balloons?

Imagine the insane cost in doves. Doves dodging balloons. Doves fighting balloons. Doves mating with doves. Balloons mating with doves. The balloon dove babies coming down the pipeline. Nine dove months from now. It's chaos, Andy.

I mean, 80,000 peace doves. Is that enough, really? Is that enough to balance out the weaponry on show? I'm not sure it is. It depends how many doves get caught in the mechanisms. Well, I mean, we've probably talked about this on the bugle before. I think that in 1988 Olympic opening ceremony, they released some symbolic doves as part of the opening ceremony

and some of them that they flew off. And some of them found a nice perch on this ledge within the stadium. What the doves hadn't realized was that ledge was where the Olympic torch was going to be lit by a flaming arrow. So what was supposed to be a moment of expressing how sport can bring the world together in harmony and peace became an impromptu barbecue of doves. So that's, I guess, always a risk when you involve doves in something like this. NATO, I know you're a huge fan of massive military parades and have conducted many yourself in your life in San Francisco. What did you make of this one?

I mean, I certainly agree with Alice that for the three of them, you know, the whatever it was, 80,000 guns to loot is a interesting way for men to say they need a hug. I wonder why was North Korea there? Like, you know, North Korea, Russia, China, one of these things is not like the other. China, emergent superpower, had an empire. Russia, former superpower, had an empire. North Korea, not only not an empire, not even all the Korea. The top export of North Korea is fake hair. You want to know what the top import of North Korea is?

Processed hair. I looked at it. up on the OEC website. And according to the OEC, North Korea is number 208 out of 209 in lowest per capita exports. Now, I'm no economist, but maybe that has to do with the weird hair thing. So, uh, so it's sort of, with that hairstyle. So it's sort of like, like, like, I wonder what, What Kim was doing, you're like, hey guys, I was just thinking we should build nuclear catapults. And they were like, okay, good boy. Now go outside and play. The grown-ups are talking. Of relations between China and Russia, Putin said, and I quote, we were always together then and we remained together now.

Now, one of the maxims of contract interpretation is to give meaning to all words in the text. we were always together then and we were together and on the other hand we are also still together only more so they described their relationship as a friendship with no limits clearly a reference to no limit records the 1990s new Orleans based hip-hop label because hootin and g make him say uh-na-na-na-na-na the only western leaders that attended the summit were the president of Slovakia and Serbia, clearly trying to get the Cold War band back together. You've heard of Czechoslovakia, but are you ready for Korea, Slovakia? There was a military parade with 50,000 people watching in the unveiling of a nuclear arsenal.

It was a response to Trump's pitiful military parade that he had for his birthday that no one came to. It was the Kendrick versus Drake disc track of public specials. in which Trump is clearly Drake, except not the Jewish part, or the ability to rap badly. And because we are all very serious adults, the world has entered the era of parade-based foreign policy. And I think unavoidably, we have to accept that if parades rule the world, this may have the unintended consequence that gays become the superpower. Really, you have a lot of tanks, but do you have dikes on bikes.

Some bonus September content for you now a month so eventful that we're visiting it twice. This time it was the turn of Nish Kumar and Sarah Barron to share their musings on recent events. Top story this week. Donald Trump has been to the UK and thankfully he's

f***ed off again. With all your respect to the holder of the title of President of the United States of America. He visited us last week and when I say visited us, he had absolutely no interaction with the public whatsoever, which was a rare instance of a level of self-awareness, I think, from Trump to realize that maybe, probably best he didn't speak to anyone here.

Knew that he wouldn't be treated as kindly as he would be by Starrner. Yes, yes. I mean, Starrmo is very good. For all his flaws as the Prime Minister, he has proved very good at obsequiously crawling up to the President of the United States of America for the good of the nation. Can any part of either of you respect that or are you exclusively repulsed by that skill set and or surprised by how good he's been at it? I don't think any of those are mutually exclusive.

Okay, okay, okay. That's a British way. I know you're relatively new around these parts and you've only lived there for 15, 20 years. Sorry, 14 years. Still picking up on it. Disgust and admiration living side by side. We are, as a nation, impressed by our own disgusting.

So holding those two emotions concurrently is something that it's an important part of our national psyche is to be impressed by how repulsed we are. I will say that as a student of history, brackets, half of my degree, brackets, I didn't really pay attention to most of my degree. I will say that history has not necessarily looked kindly to British prime ministers that have attempted to mollify quasi-fascist or full fascist. dictators. I mean, I think at the moment Starver's getting a lot of credit this week, you know, for his diplomacy in the way he handled Donald Trump. But, you know, every British Prime Minister is always

very close to a Naval Chamberlain. That's the one comparison you do not want to invite. And there is a slight concern, I think, that maybe, especially with other events happening in parallel in the United States of America, being friends with Donald Trump might in 15 to 20 years time, not be looked upon kindly, or at least it would do if in 15 to 20 years' time we'd be less worried about the study of history and more worried about fighting over water in the road war. I wish when it was like how shortchanged

I've been by British hospitality watching all of this, because when I've had to go visit, and I, let me say that again, when I've had to go visit, my in-laws in North Wales, they make me eat egg and chips off my knee on the sofa in front of Antiques Roadshow. Right. That's all I've ever gotten to see.

Well, to be fair, to the British Royal family, they do have a pretty proud tradition of making their daughter-in-laws eat food off the floor. That's at the thin end of the wedge. Okay, okay. Do me a moment. Don't get in a car in Paris any time soon.

Oh, my God. Moving on. Don't you dare censor me. In this of all weeks? I mean So well let's start with the big banquet And all the Trump staying over at At Windsor Castle

In fact, rumours that Trump was found in the crypt of Windsor Castle Dry Humping the tomb of Queen Charlotte The wife of George III Who sadly passed away in 1818 Have neither been confirmed nor, interestingly Denied And it wasn't quite I think what

What Trump was hoping for Because neither Prince Andrew Nor Peter Mandelson were able to attend and it wasn't quite the lad's going to be a lad's reunion the president was dreaming of. But he seemed to have a lovely time nonetheless. But there were sort of moments where, you know, in the etiquette, and obviously we're an etiquette-obsessed nation here.

And, you know, at the state banquet, you know, there was some sort of awkward moments. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you. Nish and I have eaten together before because I've done a lot of tour support for him. I don't want to brag, but I've eaten with 100% of the people involved in this podcast. Okay, Andy, you and I have never had the pleasure. I'm like a little pig.

So I feel very self-conscious as an American because I don't, I cannot use my fork in my, in my left hand. Right. So I'm the kind of person that I'm the American that British people make fun of. Right. So I'm not going to say I have any, yeah, so I put my fork. I think that's just called being left-handed because that's how, I mean, I also. It's called being a pig. Like, I'm a little fucking pig.

Have you never noticed that when we eat? I also have my fork in the right hand, and I'm often covered in... You're not the neatest of men. You're not the neatest of men either. So I liked, and I'm smarter than Trump. So where do you have your knife in the left hand? Or like, I, how do I cut? No, so I take my fork, left hand to cut, but then I cannot stab my food and use my left hand.

So then once it's cut, I have to go right hand to stab and eat. And then I can't like do the knife and fork thing. to scoop so then I just like sort of use my finger. I'm, I'm a pig. Okay. So I'm not going to be forced into saying I have any sympathy for Trump on anything, including cutlery etiquette. Yep. But I do like picturing them trying to offer him a little lesson as a pig like me in advance being like, you can use the rounded knife for fish, the serrated spoon for grapefruit, and the tiny fork to make your horrible hands look very big. Also, I wrote a couple of really, really, really dated jokes.

Oh, that's fine. Would you guys mind if I just tried them really fast and see what you think? Okay. Listen, the one thing this podcast will never stop people from doing is doing jokes that don't work anywhere else. Yeah, so do you mind? So I just want to try on a whole new persona for myself here. Go for you. Okay.

Hey. Hello. Hey, guys. Hey. The amount of ornate table decorations was ridiculous. Think of the clear-up. Those royal servants had to remove more gold than Mr. T going through airport security. Okay, and then what about this one?

What were the royal chefs? I'm only, this is the only two for the whole podcast. What were those royal chefs thinking of serving such fancy food to a guy with an unrefined palate? You might as well serve Viagra. out of John Wayne Bobbitt. Oh. That's one. I mean, you laid your cards on the table and you...

I just wanted to get them out of my system. Because I was like, you guys are so nice. I did write them and you will laugh at them. So I just thought, let's give them a go. We've not had a bobbett joke on the bugle for quite a long time. Well, that's because it's not the most timely thing that's ever occurred to me. As opposed to Mr. T, who remains always in the news. He's always relevant.

He should come up more. Yeah. he's one of the very few icons that spans all three millennia so far in terms of the etiquette if any of you buglers find yourself at a royal state banquet when a convicted fraudster and sex pest asks if he can try your crown on politely decline and distract him by offering to show him your family's collection of tiger pelt S&M kits

when a visiting president said something that patently contradicts what he clearly actually believes based on the things he said and done over the course of his career and life, resist the temptation to mutter, bullshit, and instead congratulate on adopting the traditional British code of language and communication. Do not fill an awkward conversational hiatus by saying, I've got a friend who's half human, half pumpkin too, and try to convey the message, keep your hands where I can see them at all times through facial expressions and body language,

rather than by shouting it out loud and causing a diplomatic incident. Now it's the Bugle's birthday month. October marked this audio newspapers coming of age. We celebrated turning 18 with a live show in London and managed to convince original Bugle co-host John Oliver to make room for us in his busy schedule and join us on a big screen. Hello, Bugler's. This brings back so many memories.

I remember distinctly the day that Bugle was born so clearly, born kicking and screaming right into the loving arms of Rupert Murdoch's Times newspaper. And only when we realised that Rupert was probably going to be unfit co-parent and not tolerant of the bugles of tantrums. Did we decide to bust it out and raise it on our own? And here we are. Things have changed so much, Andy, in the last 18 years.

18 years ago, I barely knew what a podcast was. And now it seems all presidential candidates have to go on at least 20 of them to be taken seriously. The Routes of the White House currently runs right through Joe Rogan. And you have to sit there while he promotes athletic greens. Is that a good thing? I don't think so, but it's the world we live in now. this year Benjamin Netanyahu went on the Nelk Boys podcast

He went on the... He was interviewed by the Nelk Boys and at one point they said to Netanyahu I quote, you like Burger King over McDonald's that's your worst take. It's not his worst take, Andy. Podcasts have officially

got out of hand now and I think you are partly responsible for that. So John, I mean you did eight years, almost 300 episodes of the bugle and you had to stop doing it in 2015 and no one knows why the rumours I've heard

one is that you had to settle down and get a regular 9 to 5 gig two is that you wanted to try and make it as a professional line dancer and the other was that you insisted on being 10% louder than me in the bugle and Chris said no so can you can you confirm

why it was that you left or not well Andy you know I just wanted to see you spread your wings and fly, you know, like a bird right into a windmill. That's what I wanted. In terms of, you know, how your decision to leave the bugle

has worked out for the world, John, since you left in 2015, John, Donald Trump has won, not one, not three, but two presidential elections. Well, he would dispute that, Andy. He would say he won. You think you're right.

Brexit happened. It happened. Boris Johnson, God rest his soul, if it is ever located. He briefly became prime minister. There are more wars around the world than I've had hot dinners today, which is quite a lot of hot dinners, to be honest. The pangs of guilt must be a daily burden for you, John. Well, I just don't think that cause effect stands up, Andy. I have to believe that a butterfly didn't beat its wings, and then Brexit happened. and then Trump done the world upside out. And I will say, I don't like the tone of your voice, Andy. It's still the greatest country in the world. It is still a shining city on a hill, even if it is on fire. You can still shine when you're on fire.

This is the shining, smoking city on a hill. I've got a note here for my research. Are you back? Did you just get back from the Riyadh Comedy Festival? Or couldn't... Oh, you know, Andy, it's very important to bring jokes to the Saudi royal family. I think all comedians felt there's nothing funnier than taking Saudi royal family money at the end of the day. It's the long game.

They just haven't got to the big punchline yet. So, well, for our sort of anniversary this week, we'd like this about 18, 18 years. The bugle is 18, can I believe it, the bugle is 18, John. The bugle is now old enough to vote legally. It's long since been old enough to vote if it gave you shit. Old enough to buy a drink legally or an America to buy a drink legally if it's got fake ID. Old enough to drive a submarine into an aquarium and release all the turtles. Old enough to become an unlicensed vicar and march on Rome to declare itself the one true Pope.

I mean, these are exciting times for the bugle, John. Old enough to buy enough firearms to start a well-regulated militia in any standard grocery store in the USA and old enough to do an 18th birthday special without people saying it's a bit early to be doing that, isn't it? So we've made it to... Isn't it old enough to get a tattoo as well, Andy? And to be criminally tried as an adult.

Well, too late for the first one and fingers crossed on the second. As always, buglers, one section of this audio newspaper is going, where? I can't hear you it's going where I think I could hear you the first time

too Andy you're like a 1980s game show host without the second That's what I always dreamed of being John Not that kind Family show I don't usually have to say that to the audience Usually have to say that to one of our guests

Who's joining us later So, I mean, so for our section, we're going to compare 2007, the year the bugle started with 2024. I mean, do you think the world's improved since 2007, or got worse, John? Well, in what way? It depends what you think the word improved means. You think, in the traditional sense, sure, it's got worse, but, you know, if you're a fan of really steering into the skid,

the world has definitely done that, hasn't it? Um, what about, what about you, uh, give us a cheer if you think things have got better? Yay! Oh, my God. Right. One thing that has got better is pessimism, which, um, I think it's just so much more effective. It's, it's proved right, so much, so much on, you know, it's, it's stats, John, uh, off the scale, um, uh, pessimism these days. And, um, well, statistics, as we know, I like, uh, a comedian who's just done the Read Comedy Festival.

if you treat them right, I'll say whatever the f*** you want. But if we look back to 2007 historically, it was a simpler planet in 2007. People lived simple, happy lives, eating simple, happy foods, hunting with simple, happy flint-tipped spears. The boredom was interrupted only by the odd family day out to go to your local henge to see if it was midsummer or not, and maybe look at some amusingly shaped sticks

or laugh at how overgrown granddad's burial mound had got or in other parts of the world building massive ferngey. Pyramid to make sure the dead stayed dead or arcs in... Oh sorry, I've done BC instead of AD. We better... We better move on. Top story this week, White House Down. John, I know White House Down is one of the few films you've not appeared in.

But I mean, what a time for America. The White House, the symbol of American independence, democracy, and power has been brutally attacked. Some are proclaiming it to be an inside job, possibly going right to the very top. You've been Britain's foremost shallow cover secret service agent in the US since 2006. This brutal assault taking down one of America's most treasured buildings must have spread fear into the hearts of all true Americans, such as yourself, John. Yeah, I mean, if I may quote the words of Miley Cyrus, Andy, and I think I may. Trump's coming like a wrecking ball. The East Wing has completely gone.

All he wanted was to break some walls. How he's gone and fucking wrecked it. Andy, Donald Trump. Don't encourage him. Do not encourage him. You are enabling this. Donald Trump and these many things, a businessman, a TV host, a felon. And a guest actor in many shows, including, and this is true,

suddenly Susan and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I think he was the only president to appear in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, other than Jimmy Carter, who, if I remember rightly, once asked Ashley Banks, played by Taty Aunt Ali to the school dance, only to get a fight with Jeffrey the Butler. I could be misremembering that. So I don't think I am. He's also famously a two-time president and a builder,

and it's those last two jobs that really came together this week when he demolished the entire East Wing of the White House. It's still an incredible sentence to say out loud. It doesn't feel real, even though the East Wing of the White House is literally gone. The White House, Andy, is 80% ruffled right now, and I'll be honest, I generally don't love my metaphors being quite this on the note.

It's not ideal when the White House itself literally takes on the appearance of a lazy political cartoon But here we are. Now, there are many things that are infuriating about this to me, Andy, including the fact that Trump had promised that this new ballroom Would not involve demolishing the east wing of the White House at all, saying, and I quote, It'll be near it, but not touching it,

though in his defence, Andy, promising not to touch something but doing it anyway Has famously never been one of his stung. A live show, so full of laughs. indeed that it provided us with content well into November. Alice and Nish join me for part two of our birthday bugle. Australia news now and Australia is at war simultaneously with China and with space. Alice, China has attacked Australia from space by dropping bits of defunct satellite all over the massive sandy landmass. You must be very concerned that the long-awaited war between China

in Australia is finally coming to pass. Well, Andy, yeah, we've got pieces of debris raining out of the sky into the Western Australian Outback, setting up the equipment needed to film Mad Max Thunderdome. Actually, I do have an inside source on this because my cousin Alice is a space archaeologist, and I have reliably been informed that saying my cousin Alice is a space archaeologist

sounds like I've just made up an alternate universe version of myself who is more successful and exciting. and fair, I do have previous, but I actually do have a cousin. My cousin Alice, aka other Alice, is a space archaeologist. She specialises in the mapping and tracking of space junk, and I asked her to explain this story to me. So fundamentally, scientists of space junk have been increasingly concerned that we're filling the sky with rubbish on decaying orbits around the globe, which makes it, A, increasingly dangerous for people shooting themselves up there that they might bump into something, and also inevitable that increasing amounts of space junk

going to start falling out of the sky. I asked my cousin Alice what the implications of this are because I'm not an expert. And I don't know if we're talking like one more thing a year or 1,000 things at your gender reveal party falling out of the sky. Hooray, the baby is Sawyer's. Hey, it's better than the family

who had to call their kid like her because a frozen dog coat-hanged great-aunt Enid. Anyway, I did. Anyway, I did ask my cousin Alice, but she didn't reply because she's too busy panicking about the implications of all this cascade of space junk that's about to splat us, I assume. I don't know what to think about this story

because I'm not an expert and nobody listens to the experts anymore, which I know that nobody is listening to Paul Boffins with their decades of expertise reading graphs while Johnny Come TikTok is making millions of money misinterpreting to an audience of tepid teens and quivering capitalists. The point is, I know that nobody's listening to experts

because this is the first time you're hearing this story in a comedy news show. And even if it's not the first time you're hearing about the story, you probably read the headline and figured you understood the story enough and you didn't click through. And if you did click through, you didn't fact check. And even if you clicked through and fact checked, you didn't ask a space scientist unless you are a space scientist,

in which case you're not a space scientist in this field. and if you are, hi, cousin Alice. So, apparently the tensions with China have just been raised from no worries to some worries, which is pretty concerning for Australia. This actually, your 2015 had in which I was called My Space Junk, wasn't it? And that was one of your most graphic shows up until that. Yeah, but it was a very out-of-date show

about a then-largely defunct social media app. It took them a second, but they got there in the end. Alice, is your cousin Alice, Alice Gorman, the Associate Professor of Australia's Finland? She was quoted in the fucking article I read about this. They said that she was called Dr. Space Junk, which really shows you, they are giving our degrees for anything these days.

I mean, it's an increasing problem, space junk. Our orbit is cluttered up with... an estimate over 10,000 satellites have been blasted into space since the first one went up there, which I think was 1837. Six.

Six, sorry. Over... Fact check. Fight check. Fight bullshit with bullshit. Which I think is going to be on the back. of the new £8 pound coins that are being produced next year

in Latin it will sound very sophisticated over half of the 10,000 plus satellites in space have retired from satelliteing and there are over 25,000 bits of space junk plinking around in orbit and so there are quite big concerns Alice that there might not be

enough space for all the billionaires to get up there as well alongside all the space junk I mean we're now for for the likes of Elon Musk who dream of living in orbit and running us from space? I mean, it is a genuine problem. They have to track the junk so that people don't hit it on the way up.

But I'm hoping what will happen is eventually there's so much space junk that it provides a metallic shell that completely encircles the Earth and protects us from global warming. That said, it could just cook us like a wet casserole and not 100%. It's like wrapping a fish in foil and sticking it in the oven. Which is fine If the fish is dead Don't worry

They will be UK news now Oh shit Actually that was the perfect stick UK news followed by a British man going Oh shit Was completely the perfect sting And I think should now be used

every time we talk about the United Kingdom I'd like to see all BBC news bulletins just start with the news really going oh shit they already bleep out the first six words at the top of every hour on radio again so Nish you are the UK, the Beagle's UK correspondent

bring us up to date with what's going on well massive news Andy racism is back Now in many ways racism Okay that was a bit of a worrying cheer Just ticket sales A ticket sale

Okay The next The next three to five minutes Could be very awkward Racism is like the James Bond film franchise It's intrinsically British It's never going to go away And these days

It's largely owned and distributed by the tech industry. So Katie Lamb, who's a conservative MP, who is describing as the future leader of the party and who is currently the shadow home office minister, said this week there are a large number of people in this country who came here legally, but in effect should have been able to do so. They will also need to go home.

What that will leave is a mostly but not entirely culturally coherent group of people. So we've now just gone from the whole, let's get rid of the illegal immigrants, to just get rid of anybody like slightly darker than mid-white. We're really expanding the remit here. And there's a lot to unpack with that comment.

Clearly, it's absolutely soaked in xenophobia and intrinsic prejudice. But my eye was drawn to the idea that even without immigration, Britain is a culturally coherent group of people. This is a nation of royalty and football hooliganism. This is a nation where the working man

and the aristocrat are united by two things. Tea drinking and binge drinking. Where everyone from the humblest shoest shuner to the wealthiest aristocrat is united by desire to not speak about their feelings and then get so drunk, they feel the need to smash up a shop. It's a nation of sexual repression

and graphic pornography. It's the nation of stiff upper lips and flares up our ass. It's the nation that produced the Beatles and Shawadiwadi. And it's called the United Kingdom and it's made up of four countries, three of which absolutely f***ing hate to the other one.

It's a bit harsh on Wales. I don't mind them. And finally for December, Christmas gift for you. An exclusive extra clip from our most recent live show, Alice and Nish, join me for a special bugle from Brisbane, Australia. Also, I mean, Jeremy Corbyn, Kirstehmers' predecessor as Labour leader, who left the Labour Party and he's tried to form his own party. If you're not familiar with Jeremy Corby, Brexit referendum, soggy flannel kind of guy, short-term zeit guy, surfer and two-time election

loser and he's teamed up with a former Labour MP, Zara Sultanah. And they formed a new political party. It was registered two months ago and is already ridden by infighting division, chaos and mayhem. Is this the most efficient display of political and inevitability in human history, niche? They've done what generally previously used to take a few decades and possibly involve a period in power getting rid of all the

poets. But they've managed to hone that left-wingery down to just a few short weeks. Andy, I've said it before and I'll say it again. The problem in politics is that there is too much anger. And right-wing people hate left-wing people and left-wing people hate

left-wing people. There is nothing. Left-wing people hate more than other left-wing people. I've occasionally read in the conservative press the phrase the cozy consensus on the left. What fucking cozy consensus are you talking about? It's impossible to organize a dinner.

with three different left-wing people due to a series of complicated interconnected boycotts. It's an absolute nightmare. And I do genuinely respect your party for accelerating the entire process and collapsing into infighting during its first conference.

Even for us, that is fucking fast, man. Your party is the equivalent of me at Quibi. Like, that's, that's how effectively it has taken itself down. To be honest, right now, I would take a few interconnected boycotts to open the batting for England right now.

But, um, that's different. Um, um, one, um... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean interconnected boycotts? Are you... Are you advocating for several Jeffrey boycotts to be attached at a human centipede and open the batting for England?

I am suggesting that. I had a dream about it once. One other quick bit of UK news. Tom Stoppard, the great playwright, died this week at the age of 88. I personally think this is bang out of order. I think he should have been made immortal. But he did die this week. Alice, I know you're our playwright's death's correspondent

and have been ever since Shakespeare popped his clogs back in the day. Just bring us up to date with her. Yeah, yeah, Tom Stoppard, one of those people who's so famous, I had assumed he was already dead. Tom Stoppard, playwright Academy Award winner for the Immortal Shakespeare in Love, has Stoppard his journey through this mortal coil. His work covered themes of human rights, censorship, political freedom, delving into a deeper philosophical bases of society

and encouraging Gwyneth Poltro. Look, we talk about his amazing contribution to the arts landscape, but everyone is a mix of good and bad, and we have to acknowledge that his legacy was mixed, including as it did the work, Shakespeare in Love, which was wildly critically acclaimed, and but for which Pet Porto might never have had the self-confidence to launch Goop,

endangering all unsteemed vaginas everywhere. Without Stoppard's unparalleled impact on English literature's understanding of itself, nobody might have been subjected to the idea that they should put an $80 jade egg up their Vajaxi. An entire generation of vulnerable women might have been spared the creeping sense that they ought to be kegles standing

their cooch muscle walls to the level of power of a spring-loaded industrial hydraulic press. Stoppard's most prominent plays include Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, jumpers, travesties, night and day, the real thing, Arcadia, the invention of love, the coast of utopia, rock and roll in 2006,

Leopodstadt in 2020. He wrote the screenplays for Brazil, Empire of the Sun, the Russia House, Billy Bathgate, Shakespeare in love, Enigma and Anna Karenina, as well as the BBC HBO limited series parades end. He directed the film of Rosencrantson Guildenstern dead, adapting

his own play into a screenplay with Gary Oldman and Tim Roth as a lead. All that, of course, as well as being a double immigrant Czechoslovakian Jew and most importantly providing a devastating boost to the morale of Gwyneth Paltrow by getting her an Oscar at a vulnerable time and thus

playing a pivotal role in the eventual emergence of the Goop Empire and its attendant overpriced gullibility farming, femo, wellness, fear-mongering, luxury marketing nonsense. He will be dearly missed.

So there you go. That was 2025, according to the bugle. Another year consigned rightly to the history books where frankly it belongs with all the other naughty years. You can listen to any of those episodes

in full whenever you like, And why not make a new year's resolution to help keep the bugle alive, free, flourishing and independent? You can join our voluntary subscription now at the buglepodcast.com. Thank you very much for listening. Until next time, goodbye.