The Bugle - The Bugle reviews King Charles' visit to the US

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

On this week's issue of the Bugle, Andy is joined by Josie Long and sister Helen Zaltzman as the three dive into the week's news from The official Bugle review of King Charles' visit to the United States. Plus the latest ahead of the upcoming UK local elections, Canada Horse News and a Crucible streaker!🇬🇧 The King's visit to USA: The official Bugle review as King Charles lands in the US🇬🇧 UK Local Elections: The trio discuss the upcoming local elections 🎱 Crucible Streaker: Andy, Josie and Helen report on the disruptions of the Snooker Championships from crowd heckles to an OnlyFan model streaking! Andy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Josie Long's Links: https://linktr.ee/josielongstuff? Helen Zaltzman's Links: https://linktr.ee/helenzaltzman🎤 Get tickets for the LIVE episode of The Gargle HEREhttps://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/the-gargle-live-fri-26th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202606261800/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

newspaper for a visual world. Hell, bugler, I, I, I, International, forged, fen, letter, or word, dat, dot, to dat. But so I, let's start again. Hello, buglers. It is international,

forget the final letter of words day today, but sod it, let's start again. There are too many international days these days. That reminded me of when I was in a Carol Churchill play, Andy, where all the words just got boiled down to the letters B and K. Very good for the Burger King

franchise. Carol Churchill Churchill Churchill Churchill Churchill was a big Burger King fan Today is also international Makeup and International Day of something day ironically and that's what I'm happy to observe I'm Andy Zaltzman or so it seems on this

international perception meets reality day and I'm here in the historic Marrakaner Stadium in Rio de Janeiro Brazil on this truly historically uniquely uniquely uniquely multiple occasion international lie about where you are day international overstate the significance

of what you're doing day International belated but insincere apology day. International stretch a joke too far and alienate your listeners before you've even properly started your show day. Every day. And international ignore the rule of three day. Anyway, joining me on this issue 4,378 with the bugle and also on international appear on a podcast

with one person you're blood related to and one person you're not blood related to, Dave. I've messed it up. I'm so, so, so sorry for this. in Dublin, Ireland, on route from Vancouver, it's Helen's Altman. Hello, Helen. Hello, Andy. Pleasure to meet again.

And from Glasgow, Scotland, Josie Long. Hello, Josie. Great to have you both on the show. How are you, Helen? Pretty jet-lagged, Andy. Anything could happen, by which I mean absolute garbage could fall out my mouth anytime. Just fade my mic down and then throw me into a bit. That's all right.

I mean, you know this show. Absolute Garbage is more than fine. Okay, well, get ready for perfection. I've expected nothing less than you from the minute you were born. A big psychological hurdle to get over, actually. Yeah, I seem to remember you weren't entirely perfect at that brass band concert in Tumbridge, Wells, when you're about five months old. I've ever mentioned before on this show.

We still talk about it. Everyone still talks about it. Josie, nice to have you back on the bugle. How is your 2026 treating you? It's a joy to be back. I've got some granular local news from the Pollock Shields area. Oh, that's good. Unfortunately, the knits are back.

And it's not even just the primary school. They are rife amongst the three to five room at the nursery. It's absolute knit carnage. Johnny, my kid's dad, a little kid came up to him in, the nursery room when he was going to pick up our daughter, give him a big hug, and then said, Hi, I've got knits!

No. It's a real, the nits are back. Good news, however, the bum worms, they're on the way out. So, you know, they give with one hand, they take it with the other. Which is, I think, how some of the bum worms are transmitted, actually. But let's move on from that.

It is the 6th of May, 2026. But if it was the 6th of May 1926, which is so easily could have been, if we'd been doing this exactly 100 years ago, we wouldn't be doing this because there was a general strike on in the UK. So even if we had been recording this, it wouldn't have been worth publishing

because producers Chris and Harry would have been banging on the windows of my shed, shouting scab, scab, scab, and rightly so. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Tomorrow, the 7th of May, is World Password Day, genuinely. That's a genuine world, world day. So we have a bugle guide to how to make

your passwords stronger, as advised by cyber securitologists around the while. They currently advise a combination of all of the following. Use a pet's birthday, but not a living pet who might crack under interrogation and share that information, but a dead pet and one that belonged to someone else, ideally a dead celebrity, for example, Judy Garland's parakeet, who was named Papa Keith, or Charles Dickens' gerbil Ian. Also factor in a memorable sporting event, but it should be obscure, for example, the four scores posted by golfer Flory Van Dongk at the 1954 Open Golf Championships. I'm not sure many people will go for that. Use the letters from the middle sentence of your favorite novel, but backwards. If your favorite novel has an even number of

sentences, use the back half of the last sentence of the first half of the novel and the front half of the first sentence of the second half of the novel. Also a non-numeric, non-alphabetical symbol, but not a regular one, something obscure like a hieroglyph from an undiscovered pharaoh's grave or an as-yet-unproven mathematical formula. Also use the US nuclear code from the day of your favourite snooker player's birth date and a chord sequence from your favourite glam rock hit but shifted up three semitones to camouflage it a bit. And that should give you an uncrackable password, even in the year 26. And also in the bugle password section, we tell you what passwords great figures of history would have had

AI can now tell us such things. Julius Caesar, his password would have been Vini VD. Vici, but with ones instead of the I's and fives instead of the Vs. Queen Elizabeth I the first would have had single girls rule, exclamation mark. And Sun Tzu would have had, as his password, the painting of fighting 554 BC, which is a twist on his platinum selling classic Art of War, and the year of his birth.

Anyway, that section is in the bid. Top story this week, the official bugle review of Charles in America. Well, we previewed King Chuck's trip to reclaim the USA on last week's bugle since when the visit has happened four days of people sort of pretending that everything was fine and King Charles delivering a couple of speeches that were sort of laced with with burns, really, with slightly camouflaged snark directed at the Trump regime. The stickest of regal burns. As the old song should have gone, I wish it could be a state banquet and a scripted set piece speech every day.

Because it was just easier to deal with than we get the rest of the time. So just to remind you, the two protagonists, King Charles the 3rd. Third, also known as at Chuck the Trebles on social media, massive darts fan. For those you've not heard of him, a 77-year-old banknote model from London, Nepo Monarch and former professional prince, who's thus far failed to oversee Anash's victory in almost four years on the throne. It's not to reflect proudly on him, I think. It is, isn't it?

And Donald Trump, for those you've not heard of him, the 79-year-old insurrection and irascibility fan, fact-skeptic, empathectomy patient, and the self-starred Leonardo da Vinci of a lying division and vitriol. It was an interesting combination of characters in this story. What did you both make of it? Well, I wanted to ask you two as comedians, how much would you have to be paid to punch up a speech by King Charles?

I actually thought about this because it's a 30 minute speech. And I listen to it and there are actually some good jokes in it, right? But you have to factor in that is his whole job. That's all he has to do is do that. So yeah, like he doesn't have anything else to do so he can do with 30 minutes that's full of good jokes. Like, I'd be able to do 30 minutes of good jokes if that was my whole job.

Like, it's harder to do. Like, I've got other stuff I have to do as well. And I also think the key thing to remember here is he's only done 30 minutes. So next year he can still be eligible for the best newcomer reward of the end of the brink. that is that is very important

I mean it took I mean there were it was kind of replete with historical gags he quipped about a lot of coloniser

dick swinging there a lot of daddy's home oh that's it you know they say tragedy plus time equals comedy here it was

imperial exploitation plus time equals equals equal equal sort of royal comedy but you know quipped about the Boston Tea Party, the Brits trying to burn down the White House in 1814.

It does suggest that King Charles has his eye on what is nowadays a more lucrative job than being king. That is history podcaster. So that could be what he was angling himself towards, I think. This is exciting for me because this is actually going to be the first time I can showcase my Prince Charles impression that I've been working on since I actually started stand up in 1999. All right, okay. I look forward to this. Prince Charles.

Camilla, I'm worried about the millennium bug. I've been listening to California Cation recently. It's a well-al-in-it, Camilla. Dial up into it. Camilla. I killed Princess Diana, Camilla. I always have to update it, but, you know,

I've just been practicing so hard for these 30 years. That was all Danny. That was. Thank you. Yeah. So his history podcast to be, Ugh, don't look into what my grandparents did.

I mean, that's truly uncanny. I mean, we did stand up together in 1999, Josie. And King Charles. Prince Charles, as he was, yep. I mean, it would be interesting to see how different that so you think your funny final would have been if you just done a solid five-minute Prince Charles impression.

Maybe I would have beaten David O'Donide. I'm 17 years old, King Charles talks about the importance of supporting Ukraine, the need to protect the environment and the natural world. America and Britain's shared commitments to uphold democracy, the importance of the rule of law. So I guess two explanations for this speech. One is that the king hasn't watched the fucking news in at least 10 years,

or he was delivering a series of, oblique put-downs of Trump and everything he stands for. The problem being that nuance and subtext may be lost on Trump, whose antennae for these things, I think I may say,

without fear of overstatement, are not overly finely attuned. To be fair to him, and I respond similarly to history podcasts that are monologues, I find it very difficult to pay attention. You need a reenactment. Right.

This is issue I have actually. Right. It's all stupid, pointless theatre. It's like when they were like, oh, the queen's wearing a spider brooch. Oh, she's absolutely witheringly put them down. It's like, yes, and nothing has changed. She has done nothing. And like with this, you have a king.

In his big houses, he has so many swords. He is literally that, you know, that was his job in the olden days. He should have shown up. When he was in the army? No. I mean, ten. A thousand years ago. He's not that old.

We can't be sure. He gets the sword out. He goes to town on them all. That's what I want, is I want a king returning to some kind of, he's mentioning the Magna Carta. If he's going to talk the talk, walk the walk, get a sword out, get that big sector orb thing, whack it around, you know? That would be useful on the world stage.

Then all the headlines would be, England has it watch out we're back yeah and I'm saying England because I don't consider him the legal monarch of Scotland he said

please rest assured I'm not here as part of some cunning rearguard action which is exactly what someone who is here as part of some cunning rearguard action would say also what is cunning rearguard action please I didn't want to Google it the daintiest pornography you've ever than that.

Dainty pornography. I'm not sure that, I think that might be the only niche that hasn't yet been explored in that art form. Trump, of course, is a man who communicates in all caps, whereas Charles has constitutionally constricted

to communicate in subtext and footnotes. Maybe this is the future of diplomacy, just smartly dressed, plumberly voiced subtextual snark. It basically boils down to two things, which is one, when you've given something 250 years and it hasn't worked out, maybe it's time to accept that it never will.

And two, if you hadn't started trying to cold brew our British tea in the salty waters of Boston Harbour, you wouldn't be in this f*** mess right now. But he couldn't say that directly and it out loud. So it had to come through this, like I say, this subtextual snark. He pulled out the word semi-quincennial

which is quite the honest thing. That's another niche, isn't it? It's a good Scrabble score. If you put that down in Scrabble, you're cheating. I mean, I guess, you know, the lesson is that it's far easier to make a political speech that people approve of if you have absolutely no political power whatsoever, and it is basically performative cosplay diplomacy. That's, I mean, that's why we kept the monarchy, I think, specifically for occasions such as this,

when you need someone to say something without everyone on the internet calling him a c-a-stray away. So that's, I guess, you know, that makes everything worthwhile. It's not nothing, is it? Yeah. Well, it is. Oh, yeah, well, exactly. That is the point. It is nothing.

And that's why it's important. That nothing is something. We could just, I mean, there was one argument for just leaving the king in America permanently. I mean, we're taking out. We've got backups in the royal family, not as many as we used to have, but still enough, I reckon. Charles seemed to be the only person who can make Donald Trump put on his, I can just about, behave like a sentient human being if I really want to act, although obviously didn't last very long.

I mean, half an hour. It's just an unreasonable demand, isn't it? Well, the day after the banquet, he was back on social media posting an image of himself holding a machine gun at last. The bonespurs have cleared up, which is good news, and said, no more Mr. Nice Guy. And I don't know if you, did you spot the Mr. Nice Guy interlude?

Was it just, I mean, it was fairly brief. A couple of added details that have emerged. from the now traditional head of state karaoke session. Charles went with wherever I lay my hat. That's one of my many, many homes. Trump went with fools rush in. And then they did a duet, which was we're reigning men. Do you know what I would have really enjoyed if they'd have both,

if they'd have done a duet of don't let the sun go down on me? Because that's one of my favorite things at the karaoke, because halfway through you have to say, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John, I don't see it never is. Very funny. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Out and John, then, ooh, I can't lie.

Does that make Trump the George Michael in this equation? I think so. Oh, that's so. A couple of minor sticking points in the negotiations over the USA's re-assimulation into the UK include how to pronounce potato, whether cheese should taste of anything, and whether games that involve hitting a ball with a bit of wood

should or should not last five days, but we'll have full updates on those negotiations on the bugle over the next 250 years. UK news and, well, elections are being held tomorrow as we record Thursday the 7th of May. It's been a bit of a weird time here in the UK of late. I've found it the last week or so up and down because I love Snooker, but I don't like anti-Semitism.

So it's been sort of good and bad, really. But we have elections tomorrow, which will basically show how no political party is capturing the public imagination. It looks like Josie in the national elections in Scotland, the Scottish National Party will retain power, but with a much lower vote share, the state of the other party. as such that if you right this minute launched a new party whose candidates were last year's left over Halloween Pumpkins and your only policy was to put a road cone on a bus shelter in Dundee, you'd probably come second in the election tomorrow.

Already there, my friend. Already there. I accidentally featured in an SMP campaign video last week. Oh, right. How did that happen? Nicholas Sturgeon and the new SMP candidate were outside a shop in my neighbourhood called the day to day, which obviously right for fun. Shall we go to the day to day today? Is it the day to day to go to the day to day?

And it winds up my four-year-old. So I was in there, it was Friday, I was in there with my big daughter helping her she can get sweeties on a Friday. This is a real existential crisis for her because she can't bear to choose a sweetie because then she won't have the other sweeties. So it's a big heartbreak. Yeah, it's a big part of every Friday to be. considering this. And we're walking out. She's thrilled. She's chosen something which I regret

buying her, which was in fact, it, it was like a dib dab, but the, the dippers were jelly sweets and the dib was jelly. And honestly, it's insane amount of like, I don't know, sour. There's a lot in it. Like, honestly, it felt like a mountain for an eight year old to climb, seven and three quarters year old to climb. That's just background detail. You can edit that out. What happened was, I got on the street, you were walking out. And I see in front of us, there's like some people filming someone. And I sort of go, oh, oh, they're filming. I don't want to be filmed.

And then it came out that it was a film that Nicholas Surgeon was making. But she's like, we're in the heart of Pollock Shields. Here we are. We're on the campaign trail. And then you just see me in the background go, oh, huh. I'm not even anti-the-SMP. You know, I have critical support for them when it comes to kind of,

certain things, you know, but I look furious. So that could swing, that could swing the whole election. I'm swing for reform, yeah. That could be your fault. I'm really worried because reform are polling second in a number of Scottish constituencies. And unlike in England, they do have something akin to proportional representation here. So it is the only time of my life when I've been like, you should get the first past the post, just in for this one.

And then we'll go back to what. all the list stuff. But with this one, I think it's important to know who comes first. As for the local elections in England, how people vote in local elections is quite nuanced. A range of considerations from how much they dislike the current national government, how much they dislike the previous national government, how much they think they will dislike the next national government, the potholes on their street are war 6,000 miles away, and whether candidates are promising to replace the local library and all its boring old books with a much more fun water slide.

So it's quite hard to sort of interpret exactly what the nation thinks politically based on local elections. As I said, no parties have really captured the public imagination. Several have untethered themselves completely from the public imagination. So everything is in flux. No one knows quite what's – no one knows quite what this country thinks politically. least of all this country itself has no f***ing idea who and what we are and why politically anymore.

I mean, the Labour less than two years since winning a big majority in the general election, albeit only thanks to the weird mathematicals of the first part of the post system, are facing ballot box obliteration, and Keir Stahmer's bizarrely incompetent leadership over these last two years is under increasing threat. They've had a number of missteps labour from that, you know, Peter Mandelson appointment, various bocking. You have a misstep as a fun noun for what you're describing.

Well, it's a misstep in the sense that you might sort of misstep off a cliff into crocodile pit. I mean, it's still a misstep. But you wouldn't want people at your funeral describing it thus. That's a very fair point. Especially not since you chose it with some evidence of crocodiles and cliff. Photographic evidence. Stuck with that decision. That's the important thing.

You've got to show strength. Once you've decided to make a bad decision, politically you have to then have the strength to stick with it, even when it's obviously wrong. That's how politics works. Anyway, it's not really worked out for them. Reform are struggling with racist candidates, economic fantasies,

Nigel Farage taking five million pound gifts that he failed to declare. How are reformed struggling with racist candidates? Isn't that their whole deal? Well, yes. They're struggling because they got so many. They can't even hold them all. The clubhouse is teeming.

I can't fit them all in. It's quite hard to be optimistic about the state of party. It's been anti-Semitism from Green Party candidates and conservatives are tainted by association with themselves. It's basically interpreting the likely vote. It's basically going to come down to the overall message being, could we please have the ancient Romans back at least the roads were decent

could we put the British electoral system in rice oh that's a good idea turn it off and on again and it would be a real boost for the rice industry they've been struggling because of climate change so they could do with that I am sad because all people often care about in the elections as potholes

and there's a guy missed the pothole Mark Morel. 12 years he's been a professional, I guess, pothole guy, agitator against potholes, superhero in the pothole sphere specifically and solely, and he's

retired. We don't even have that champion anymore. The man who filled potholes with pot noodles in 2023 needed, and not just that, he drove a tank to Parliament Square to campaign and

in doing so significantly damaged every road. He thrust. It's a scam. The man's perpetrating them himself. So maybe actually now he's retired. The issue might subside because there won't be someone, you know, backhanding the pothole lobby. My, pot holes are a proud part of our national heritage.

I mean, that's what Stonehenge, I think, began as, I'm just like marking out the outline of a pothole. And, you know, that's really what we've been ever since. Also, people always talk about potholes, you know, oh, they're bad. But where else would we put our pots? In summary, then, it does look like the ballots tomorrow will result in a resounding... Ah, ah. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. from the voting public. I am very worried about reform doing well. It does upset me massively. I think it's really rotten. I also think in the past,

when they've been elected to councils, they haven't actually obviously done well in doing anything. I remember in Thanet, they didn't elect at the time, Nigel Farage as an MP, but they did elect a full, a full UKIP council.

which is the strategy of I won't let a fascist in Parliament but they can do the bins. It didn't work out well for them at all and they've recently had quite a historic recent winning Cliftonville for the Greens. I know that obviously there's been some issues with the Green Party but obviously Zach Polanski himself a Jewish man. A very cool guy. A very, very brave campaign that's been waging against like all kinds of horrific messaging for. from the other political parties. I would love to see the Green Party do well in general. I think that in general, they are the only party that's offering a hopeful solution.

And then I saw as well that, like, reform are, like, trying to troll the Green Party and Green Party voters by saying that they're going to open migrant detention centres in green voting areas if they get in. Forgetting that 99% of people would much rather have migrant, detention centres in their constituency than reform voters. If there was a trade-off, I would please, for the love of God, let this be possible. And I think it's like, what it's depressing to me is that their whole politics is the politics of spite. You know, their whole politics is basically, this will, this will trigger you.

You know, a complete, like, theatre of cruelty where people genuinely suffer. And like, it could, to me, I'm like, okay, if you're going to put detention centres in a constituency near me, maybe we can then allow those people to become a part of our community. Maybe we can then visit those people. Maybe we can then create a more community-based way to help people. And then that's where they'd be like, no, no, we didn't want you to enjoy it. We've wanted you to be in pain. I think it's bleak and I really, really do hope that we're surprised pleasantly that reform don't do as well.

Look. Well, you see some of the classics being pulled out just ahead of the Greens. maybe getting some votes like Zach Polanski being called out for maybe not being a full member of the National Council of Hypnotherapy despite having claimed to be one.

Scandal. If he's lying about that, what else is he lying about? The environment crumbling? This prick wanting to make things slightly better? It's a very woke way of looking at the world trying to make it better.

It's got to be stopped. It's got to be stopped. Canada Horse News. Helen, you are the Bugles' horse infestation correspondent. Happy to be here. And the province of Alberta in Canada which, of course, famous around the universe

for having no rats fought an anti-rat war in the early 1950s involving brutal suppression of rats show trials of the rat leaders and anti-rat propaganda. Since then, Alberta has been like, most prominent fast food chains, almost rat-free. But it is now dealing with an uncontrollable infestation of horses. Several million, perhaps more, feral equines, are rampaging

through the once peaceful, landlocked Canadian-provence, eating all the sugar lumps, holding unlicensed nighttime race meetings, and staring at people in that horsey way that can be so intimidating. What is Alberta doing to deal with this? Well, Andy, they're talking about this. unacceptable, quote, level of feral horses, which might not be millions, might be 2000. Oh, right.

So hard to tell these days. They're suggesting putting the horses up for adoption or administering contraception in order to control population because these horses love to far. Right. And there's a lot of people in Canada already dealing with the effects of forced adoptions

and eugenic strategies via contraception in the indigenous nations. Alberta's like, well, worked on the humans, let's horse it. Worked on the humans, let's horse it. He's a lovely phrase. You have to give them that. Lovely and terrifying, Josie. Lovely and terrifying.

And the Alberta government terms these horses to be not wildlife, but strays. The strays suggest that there's somewhere that they would have strayed from, but they're feral horses. So they've just strayed from like over there. In which case, what else? I mean, everything's a stray, isn't it, except a tree? An astray tree is a boat, I guess. Not in Alberta, it's landlocked, as you said. All right, yeah, good point.

The results of Alberta's annual feral horse survey not only showed record numbers of feral horses, but also that the horses are politically split as never before and are struggling for motivation in a changing world. Well, the horses are just gearing up for Alberta's maybe separatism referendum that allegedly they have enough signatures to hold this autumn, but they have not yet verified whether those signatures are real. Well, it's very hard for the horses to complete this survey

because every question they have to do one knock for yes and two for no. And that takes a long time, you know, oh, it's a yes, it's a no, every single question. And you'd be surprised at some of the questions on that survey. I'll tell you that. Favorite apple? It's not even a yes-no question. I'll tell you something actually

I did have an infestation of horses My flat is really infested In lots of different ways And the problem with the infestation of the horses Is you've got the sprays And the sprays do nothing You spray the whole place The horses, I don't know what they do

But they do nothing And the worst part is you're lying in bed at night And the outside the door you can just hear By the time you're up You open the door, you turn on the light You just hear you know listen it's a very

I feel for the people of Canada because it's a difficult impression to get me and obviously Helen you live in in neighbouring British Columbia I mean you must be very concerned about you know just you know platoons of feral horses I mean turfed out of Alberta

and you know rampaging into into your neighbourhood in Vancouver yeah I mean we got all those rat exiles what next The Alberta government has issued a guide for what to do if you come face to snout with a feral horse. They suggest that you don't say nice horsey, which wild horses find condescending,

don't say wind it in you overgrown donkey, that just riles them up. Don't say free rangers always taste you in my opinion and certainly don't say you'd look much better with a jockey on you. But do say, would you like a job pulling a cart in my new costume drama set in the 1830s? or I'm neither going to lead you to water nor suggest what you should do when we get there

you're a wild horse, it's entirely up to you and also one option to come that wild horse down is to say you do you but might you consider doing it in Saskatchewan instead. The horses don't respect the borders of Canadian states and good for them but the rats do. Yeah, the rats. Flying news now and well

airline travel has been heavily impacted by the Iran war or Strop or performative endurance connoisse, or whatever it is now defined as. But private air flight has been doing very well. It does seem that the ultra-wealthy, for whatever reasons, seem generally better at not being affected by global upheavals. No one knows why. Could be luck. It could be that the ultra-wealthy have slightly different DNA to regular humans

that makes them more immune to not being able to afford stuff. It could simply be that they pray harder and sacrifice better oxen to the gods. We don't know, and we probably never will, but global private jet flights in 26 are up almost 5% on the equivalent period from last year 2025. And this despite fuel costs going up, private aircraft users have determinedly, heroically even, continued to support the private jet industry. So I guess that's a good news story, isn't it? It's a good news to come out of the Iran war. that someone's benefiting from it and that someone is private check companies.

Yeah, I often find myself saying, oh no, what about the super rich? Will they be okay? Please, somebody think of them. And I do think private aviation booming amid airlines canceling due to an entirely confected horrific war is a metaphor for inequality in society and climate collapse that many observers are describing as two on the nose.

I mean, the private jet industry is one of the world's leading performers in the increasing environmentally damaging emissions into the atmosphere category. And I guess it's sort of understandable that the hyper-rich would want to fly more because they're no longer allowed to blow cigar smoke into the faces of children because, well, one, there are so few places you can smoke in public these days and also because of the woke. So they've understandably sought an outlet by the less direct medium of spewing poisonous gases into the faces of all humanity.

It's not as fun, but actually it is more impactful. So again, that's fair. And billionaires love fairness. Yeah. They do. Oxfam released a report that stated that billionaires emit more carbon pollution in 90 minutes than the average person does in a lifetime. So they're really high achievers. Yeah.

It's not optimizing. Yeah. They also, yeah, the private jet industry, the emissions from private jets is equivalent to emissions from the entire nation of. of Tanzania. So you've got to say to the people of Tanzania, you've got to help your game guys. You're being humiliated here. I don't know what you're doing with this beautiful mountain that you've got, but you've got to light it on fire or something.

You are lagging. Snooker news now and if you wanted any further proof that the world in 2026 has become an extremely strange place. You just need to hear this headline. Only Fans Model interrupts

world's snooker final to protest against BBC license fee but forgets to take her top off as planned. Where is there left for this stupidest century ever to go from here? I mean, it does feel like the entire millennium so far is almost encapsulated by that headline. I mean, this protest from happened, protest, I don't know if you can call it that, but anyway, it happened in Frame 3 of the first. It's so hard to get tickets to the world snooker final. why would you do your protest in frame 3 and get

shut out? Surely you'd wait till frame 8 the last frame of the session or do it. Yeah, Andy, here's the thing. I think you've confused because you don't know what the website OnlyFans is. So you're assuming that she is a fan of Snokeer and I would argue that she probably isn't actually that much of a fan of the sneaker. Okay, right. I mean, Only Fan, when I did my first Solo Edinburgh show, that was my first show. I had my only fan. ticket sell. I was thinking about this because it does actually have debut Edinburgh hour vibe.

Because you've got the sort of crazed streaker. You've got an earlier on in the finals, they had somebody shout out, never forget the Epstein files. And you have phones repeatedly going off. That is the full Edinburgh debut art experience for the new, the new Enfonte Riebler of Snooker. Yeah. It's very exciting.

But I would argue, I would say that the crucible has been a really unpredictable venue ever since it's been there. Like ever since 1638 when Goody Proctor sent her familiar to repeatedly pinch Abigail Williams. And, you know, it wasn't, the crucible wasn't an easy place to be. Does it count as a streak if someone is fully dressed? Because the press is describing this as a streak, but she appears to be fully clothed. I just want to clarify the semantics. Aren't we all streaking all the time?

Under our clothes? Yes. Good point, good point. I mean, luckily, the intrusion happened in the first half of the first session on day one of the four sessions across two days final. So both players were able to recover from the cosmic weirdness of an only fan's model interrupting the World Snooker Final to protest against the BBC license fee, but forgetting to take her top off as planned.

But whether that repressed trauma of the incident affected Sean Murphy in the deciding frame late on Monday night when he made a crucial error that allowed the young Chinese star Wu-Yuzer to clinch the title with a sumptuous break of 85. only Sean will know. As you mentioned, it followed another interruption in Wuyahs semi-final against Mark Allen in the deciding frame

amid scenes a phenomenal snook attention with the players tired at 16 frames all when Alan, after Alan had missed a simple pot to win the match in the previous frame, when someone in the audience chose that moment to shout, never forget the Epstein files, as yet,

I mean, it's quite a weird place and time to shout that out. There's no proof. link between the Epstein files and professional snooker. I mean, amongst the people who have been mentioned the air thing. Well, exactly. But with Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Peter Mandelso,

Elon Musk, ex-Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, all mentioned, none of them professional snooker players, whereas Wells 1981 World Snooker Championship runner-up, Doug Mountjoy, conspicuous by his absence, along with the likes of Australian safety play specialist Eddie Charlton and former world number 11, Dave Harold. None of them mentioned

in the Epstein Fard. In fact, no professional snooker players were, as far as we know, ever invited to play exhibition best of 35 frame matches at any of Epstein's properties. I find all of this, it's so surreal. It's quite exciting to have such unpredictable interventions, you know. Even for me, like with that only fan streak her, you know, she comes out, she says, nobody pays their TV licence. And I think, well, I do.

I don't agree with this. And you should fuck the BBC and I think, oh, that's a bit much. You know, obviously I have some complaints with their news department, sometimes when I'm always I was like, fuck the stucca. Well, I'm not interested in the stooker. Fuck everybody. Big up Ronnie O'Sullivan. She did put something for everyone in there.

You just had to listen. Well, thank you very much for listening to this week's bugle. We have a week off next week. We'll put out a sub-episode for you with pure unadulterated gold. And we'll be back in two weeks' time with Josh Gonderman and Alice Fraser. Josie, anything to plug? Not at all, but I would like to ask the powers of divine creativity to give me some ideas if they're listening.

Okay, but they are listening. Helen? Well, I have other podcasts. I have The Illusionist, an entertainment show about how language works, and answer me this. The original podcast, don't fact check. That has returned. Definitely top three originals.

Yeah, all right, top three, don't fact check. That has returned for round two. It's nearly 20 years old. And both Josie Long and Landy Zaltzman have been on it. So what more reason can you need to listen to it? I have one more show on my current Zoltgeist tour in Berrison Edmonds on Saturday the 9th of May. If you can't come to that, then I'll probably do another tour within the next 20 years. Hopefully, fairly early on in that 20 year period.

But maybe within 18 months or so, who knows. Anyway, thank you for listening. Until next time, goodbye. I am Andy Zaltzman, as you may know. The bugle, as well as being the world's only ever, longest-running and arguably best audio newspaper for a visual world, is one of the very few fully independent media empires remaining in this thus far very silly millennium. Our voluntary subscribing listeners have made this possible, and you, if you are not already one, can join them to keep our shows free, flourishing and independent for the rest of all eternity.

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