The Bugle - The Bugle – The Complete 2012 – Part 2

Episode Date: December 29, 2012

The 2nd installment of our highlights of 2012. What a year! GOLD FOR 2012! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugles and welcome to Bugle 217 sub episode beta. You know I just switched from the Hebrew alphabet last week to the Greek alphabet this week. That's very much to do with Christmas, Johnny, Old Testament written in a Hebrew and a New Testament written in English. Of course, it was heavily influenced by Greek. Ren in English, yeah. That's right. So I think I'm a bug for in English, Andy, otherwise I would have understood them. Yeah, but they trans, because I'm not on a lot of people's boat English,

so they translated it into Hebrew for the people in the Holy Land. Yeah, I've chosen ones for my team. Can you say you're on a team, Andy, if you don't know any of the other players or how to pronounce their names accurately? Well, yeah, I mean, I'll take those teams and their teams. How to pronounce their names accurately? Well Yeah, I mean, there's teams and there's teams. I don't know if you're a good team player. I know But you know, we don't I mean, it's not really completely about you know knowing all the notes Yeah, there's a kind of subconscious understanding. Isn't that sure?

You know, yeah, that's that's really what team works all about Not a head drop of the shoulder. Yeah, we're on the Not of the head, drop of the shoulder, or on the same page. The wink of the eye, they did. So happy Christmas, Bugglers. So we're recording this before Christmas. So for all we know, might have been in his after Christmas all around the world.

But let's hope your own personal Christmas was a good one. This will be going out. New Year's Eve. I believe officially Monday the 31st of December 2012. The last day of the year, definitely being one of the top years of the decade. Well, it's certainly been nice being a great year for Britain with the Olympics, hasn't it? Great year for British sport. Yeah. I mean, that was, yeah, a lot of people wait at in London now as I am. There's a lot of people still talking about what a great job Britain did with your Olympics. Well, the reason why they're still talking about that is twofold, one because we did a

great job in the Olympics. And two because since then, it's just been disastrous to be out of disaster. It's about Britain has been swimming in a sea of moral shit, cover-ups and just horrific stories. So we need to click on to the limit, John. That was when this nation was great. It was great. It was great. People talk about Great Britain and that's why John. Because I think it was 2012. 2012 in the month of August. Yeah, when we the entire nation forgot about all elements of reality and embraced the glorious goddess of sport. That's beat of sport. Yeah, thanks be to sport. Sport is the afro-dirty of the modern age but more so. If sport, well

is it? Yeah, then what's that sort of thing? Can you still feel now coming back to London for a couple of years before your trip to Christmas? Can you feel how different it is with the Olympics still in the air? Well, you can feel the echo of complete triumph. Yeah. It sounds a lot like the echo of the British Empire. It's just a little more... A little more...

A little closer. A little closer and with slightly fewer people shouting f**k you in the range of accident You were my family Why did you steal our food during a famine? We didn't steal it, we sold it So that's been lovely to see you back here I'm going to go back on this and absolutely sensation. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to the only country of all and welcome.

Yeah. I might do the same, but I can be going back to India. So, here we are with some more highlights of 2012 to see you into the new year 2013. That's, oh, is there anything happening in 2013? No, it's just more chance to remember the Olympics in 2012. Yeah, it will probably be remembered as the year that Britain really remembered the Olympics a lot. That's all right. Better than it ever had been.

Yeah. Well, it's the best Olympics to remember. That's, I mean, you can remember LAA84, Better than it ever had been. Well it's the best Olympics to remember. I mean you can remember LAA84, I only think of his daily Thompson and a Guy and a Jetpack but a London Olympics you think of humanity really hitting the heights. Greatest ever. It's like, it's like as if Mozart, Beethoven and Shakespeare and Dante all got together and

like table tennis. I mean we're joking about it but we're also serious about it. So do enjoy the best of the Pugal 2012 Pugal. We'll be back next week in January 2030. Yes, believe it. For 2013. Yeah. And that's the mind's alright in which case. The which case? Yeah yeah where it is being played

and echoing around a dusty way so a shard of rock filling through space into nothingness so which is basically what we are anyway let's stop ending each intro and and with a bleak piece of nihilism. It just makes the rest of the show seem more interesting. Enjoy the highlights, beardless. Good bye. And that's the end of the intro. I tried to just really like it, and we really have an end. Big finish, big finish like the women's javelin competition of the 1983 World Athletics Championship won by a large finish lady with the final throw at the finish of the competition.

That worked on two levels. Okay, stop, Andy, Let's get this view. Stop it. So I'm sorry this week. Obama is killing it right now. And by it, I mean people. Obama is killing people right now. And he emerged this week that President Obama personally oversees a kill list of insurgents who could be taken out with drug strikes if the opportunity arises. And look, we've all got to kill list. And they defied. Married couples often ease drop a list of the names of five people that they'd love to murder if they get the opportunity without the other partner getting angry or turning

them into the police. It's the back-brother of a healthy marriage. You're allowed to kill Jessica Simpson if I'm allowed to kill Tom Brady. OK, deal. Now, the fact that the president has a little bit... Has it a little bit from John's feature, his own wedding? LAUGHTER I just wanted to...

There was just one of the contractual terms that needs to be going over before that final bullet was played. LAUGHTER The fact that the president has this list isn't as surprising as the details that come with it. The New York Times reported that there is a secret nominations process to designate terrorists for killer capture moly drones during high-level discussions. And first, let's be clear, kill or capture. Now, you might think, kill or capture, how the f*** does that work? How do you capture

an insurgent with an unmanned drone thousands of feet up in the sky? Well, what happens is this, the belly of the drone opens up and a fairground grappler comes out and reaches down to try and scoop up the insurgents in its claw. Unfortunately, the insurgents have now got wise to this and they've been covering themselves in butter

so that they just slip out of the claw just as it's tantalized and you're closely lifting them off the ground. The US military usually tries a few times before getting frustrated and just launching hellfire missiles at those pesky buttering insurgents instead. There's only one thing that can make this secret presidential kill list more chilling, and that's if it was actually a secret presidential f***ing-marry kill list, along the rules of the f***ing Mary Kill game, where you have three names and those three actions and you have to decide who gets what. One of the bombers lists had the names Ben Laden, Newt Gingrich and Silvia Burlescone on it.

It looks like he chose to kill Ben Laden. He probably had sex with Silvia Burlescone, which you put him in a group that includes 64% of the world's population, which only leaves one thing. And that is that we might be about to have a new Mrs. Gingrich on our hands in the future. Oh, President Obama, you're about to become the least happy woman in the world. Oh, oh, we know one thing about the Olympics, it's that it is a transcendent celebration of humanity, of excellence, and a human competition,

and also that you do not f**k with it, Andy. Because if you f**k with the Olympics, Andy, they will f**k with you right back. In fact, those five glorious Olympic ring stand for Do not f*** with us. The US Olympic Committee this week sent out a cease and desist letter to a knitting based social network for hosting a knitting Olympics. Remember what those rings also stand for Andy? We ain't about f***ing knitting. The incredibly popular knitting social network Ravallry hosted a Ravall Olympics, a knitting competition for users that included events

like an Afghan marathon and a scarf hockey. The knitters were supposed to basically compete in each event whilst watching the actual games on TV. So you can see while they post a clear present threat and it's everything that the Olympic stands for. Here is a quote from the actual cease and desist letter and if you are operating heavy machinery or mending a tile on a roof, I must warn you, this gets very funny, very fast. This is how it begins. The athletes of Team USA have usually spent the better part of their entire lives training for the opportunity to compete at the Olympic Games and represent their country

in a sport that means everything to them. For many the Olympics, represent the pinnacle of their sporting career. Over more than a century, the Olympic Games have brought athletes around the world together to compete at the Olympic Games and represent their country in a sport that means everything to them. So far so good Andy, but here we go. We believe that using the name Raven Olympics for a competition that involves an Afghan marathon, scarf hockey, and sweater triathlon among others tends to denigrate the true nature of the Olympic Games. In a sense it is disrespectful to our country's finest athletes and fails to recognise or appreciate their hard work. But here's the thing that you also need

to know Andy. You don't f*** with the Olympics, sure. We all know that, but you definitely don't f*** with knitters. Knitters don't mess around Andy, and if you ever step up to them, you would better have a pair of high-end needles in your hand, and you better have come ready to knit, because they also have five knitted Olympic rings in five different coloured walls, and those rings stand for knitters don't play that shit. Because apparently these knitters were extremely offended by the tone of the letter and they mobilized. Members of the knitting network left a huge amount of messages on the US Olympic Teams Facebook page nearly melted down Twitter and bombarded them with a deluge of emails. They went in so hard that and you are not going to believe this.

The USOC backed down in a statement posted recently on their website. Spugsman said and again, if you're using a power saw or flying a light aircraft to the moment, you may want to be careful because this statement could cause you to buddy holly yourself into a mountain. The statement said, thanks to all of you who have posted, tweeted, emailed and called regarding the letter sent to the organizers of the Rival Olympics. Like you, we're extremely passionate about what we do. The letter sent to the organizers was a standard form, cease and desist letter that explained why we need to protect our trademarks

in legal terms. Rest assured, as an organization that has many passionate knitters, we were never intent to make this a personal attack on the knitting community or to suggest that knitters are not supportive of Team USA. We apologise for any insult and appreciate your support. Holy shit, Andy! The IOC wouldn't back down to India over the bow-pull disaster which killed thousands of people. And the USAOC just caved to a bunch of knitters. Yes, Andy, what else? The Olympics, they're here, they're finally here. The eyes of the world are upon London, Andy. If you look up at London's majestic clock, Big Ben,

you can see that it's two hands-read, Sport-a-clock, bonge, cycling, boom, wrestling, boom, gymnastics, boom, hockey, boom, that weird speed walking thing that sometimes happens, I remember it was happening this time, boom, the creepy synchronized swimming thing that gives you nightmares, boom, You're not a mess. Boom! What's dancing? Boom! SPORTS! The main excitement around the opening ceremony is surrounding who is going to light the flame. There's been a lot of guessing. Will it be Steve Redgrave? Will it be Roger Bannister?

Will it be David Beckham? Will it be the Queen? Will it be David Beckham dressed as the Queen? Will it be the Queen dressed as David Beckham? Will it be the Queen? Will it be David Beckham dressed as the Queen? Will it be the Queen dressed as David Beckham? No one seems to know for sure. But the pressure is on, because you've got a compete with the Muhammad Ali lighting the flame in 96, the Barcelona archer firing the flame

into a cauldron in 92. It's an iconic moment. And I actually have a few suggestions, Andy. I'll realize it's late in the day, but I think these might work. Number one, the queen set a swan on fire and throws it 50 feet into the cauldron in an intimidatingly unforgettable display of viciousness and strength. Two, we used the Tupac Shakur hologram that took Coach Epipyxtorm. He lights the flame while singing Shorty Wanna Be a thug. Three, we use the technology from the

Tupac hologram but we use it to create a princess Diana hologram. She magically lights the Olympic flame while also singing shorty wanna be a thug. Apparently you can't have the hologram without that song for some reason. Four, Judy Dench in a specially made safety burn suit sets herself on fire and runs around in a circle on a podium for the duration of the games. And finally, five, Margaret Thatcher walks slowly but surely after the Olympic golden and then sets it on fire just by looking at it. I think all of those are pretty powerful suggestions Andy and I'd love to see any of them. What happened in the badminton if you missed it was that four women's doubles teams were disqualified from the Olympics after deliberately trying to lose their final group games to secure

an easier draw in the knockout round. It looks bad when one team in a match tries that. It looks terrible when both teams are simultaneously doing it. It's not technically cheating but it did turn the crowd on them and did cause a badminton scandal. And you don't often hear those two words anywhere near each other and the badminton scandal. In fact, there hasn't been a badminton scandal since 1986. I believe when for a couple of days the then world champion Park Joobong was briefly thought to have caused the Chernobyl nuclear disaster with an air and shuttlecock until the investigation eventually blamed electrical engineering equipment and the use of graphite and construction material. But for 48 hours, it looked to have been the single worst combined

badminton and nuclear reactor disaster in decades. Badminton scandal used to open the bowling fudge in maker in the night. There was a great feature on the BBC Olympic website this week, which gives you a chance to find out, and I quote, your Olympic athlete body match. You can put your height and weight into the programme, and it will tell you which Olympian's body you most resemble. So I'm about 6 feet and around 175 pounds, so I put that that in and it turns out that I'm most like Stefan Fek, the German Olympic 3 meter springboard diver and also Ian Lewis, the

British men's team hockey player. Now this means I technically have the body of an Olympic diver Andy that is a numerical fact it's not a visual fact but which do you trust more? Your eyes or numbers? Exactly. Without numbers, you wouldn't even have two eyes to see things with. You just have some eyes. That's my point. with that fact, as I imagine, Stefan Fecht is angry with the fact that after a lifetime's dedication to carving his body into its perfect sleek form, he numerically has the body type of a 35 year old British comedian. Well, I did the same on that same test, John, and it turns out that I have exactly the same body as the 15 year old British gym British gymnast Rebecca Tully. Are you... I'm going to have not measured myself for a while to be honest, but

so I'm just going on though, my last recorded measurements from six months ago. But then I was six stone. The point stands. Interestingly, American politics and the Olympics combined on Thursday through Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee. He's had a special connection to these games, not just because he seemed to imply that the London Olympics last week would be a bag of shit before they began, but also because he actually owns one of the competitors in the Olympics. His wife Ann had a horse competing in this Olympics in the sport of horse dress

arch otherwise known as horse ballet otherwise known as the single stupidest thing in the history of the world. Not so stupid though, there were not 23,000 fans who turned up to watch the horse dancing in Greenwich Park on Thursday. Who doaks? To British sports fans Andy, they will turn up to watch anything, whether it's a sport or not, as long as it's called a sport. If you called an old lady crossing the road to sport Andy, you would have thousands of people turn up to watch her, and millions more people complaining that there weren't any more tickets left to see it, because they'd all been given away in corporate deals. Well, that was basically the Jubilee Junction.

And also in the being a special picnic accessory offer for the summer, we're offering you a free summer fork, eats your sandwich food on a scenic lift-up and communicate with passing shipping with the new semifork. Future section now Jubilee! Oh! Party in the UK! It's party time, Andy! P-I-R-T. Why? Because the queen has been on the throne for 60 fucking years. That's fucking why. England is a bathroom park on a four day holiday weekend

to celebrate the queen sitting on the throne for 60 years and not dying once, Andy. Not even once. Well, it's very interesting, actually, the origin of hunting of bunting. It course goes back to another very significant rollercoat occasion. Queen Victoria, when she got married and bunting is in fact based on her wedding night knickers and bra and Frantzel but posing pouch which after a rumbustious night of newly marrowed royal mutual concrotulation and passionate dish slubourage were seen dangling from the curtain rail of a bucking and palace window.

People instantly assume that the triangular pieces of fabric were a celebration of their happy nupials rather than the result of the amorous rending and hurling of undergonements during the matrimonial scramble stillsering. And Bunting became a standard part of all British royal celebrations, which is lucky because if they looked in the window on the other side of the bedroom, today's Bunting McKay may stand a part of all British Royal celebrations, which is lucky because if they looked in the window on the other side of the bedroom, today's Bunting would, instead of nice little triangles of material, look eerie like a gimp mask whip riding saddle, water machine gun and roast chicken. Thank you also said that it sold 3,100 Jubilee Nomes.

I know, I know this is hard for other world citizens to understand. But British people like to commemorate any event with a gnome. Who could forget the beautiful Queen Mother open gnome coffins that your gnome could lie in state for as long as she did so beautiful Andy Also the new line of the also the new line of levers and inquiry gnome have proven very popular this year so you can have your own parliamentary media investigation at the bottom of your garden On the campaign trail, I met a family in Delaware who were concerned about their taxes. I met a teacher called WES who asked me to keep fighting for my healthcare plan. I met a woman called Brianna who had benefited from my back to work issues. I met a squirrel called Keith who agreed with my policy on Syria.

I met an antelope called Barry, who hates my opponents views on Stealth and Cell Research. I sat on a bench called Christine, who talked about her belief in traditional marriage. I ate a piece of cheese called Kyle, who wants to serve in Afghanistan. Whether or not these people actually exist is debatable. Andy, they seem to merely function as hyperthetical human

shields. Oh, so you never hear the negative. You never even meet anyone with a kind of negative story. That is true. That is true. I was on the campaign trail in Delaware, and I met Mike and Cindy, who, saying they're having trouble getting permission to build their f***ing dungeon. LAUGHTER

And I said to them, Mike, Cindy, that doesn't seem to be anything that I can do anything about, and they said, you're right, Mr. President, it's just, it's on my mind at the moment. Anyway, good luck, I won't be voting for you. I don't know why I brought that up now, but the truth is, Mike Cindy, good luck with the f*** dungeon. I guess I shouldn't have mentioned it, correct?

Ah! Boosting the local economy, would people pay to go to the f*** dungeon? How did that boost the local economy would people pay to go to the Dungeon? How did that boost the local economy? Well, haven't it built? Right, okay. Yeah, okay, it's a restrictive planning. It's restrictive planning is destroying the American dream. It is stressing the small business man.

My concern to Dungeon is emblematic of everything that is wrong with the Obama administration. Actually, actually, you see there is that, like thing that, look, banks need to have enough collateral to be able to issue loans for dungeons. That is trickle down economics in its purest form. You've got the builders building the f*** dungeon. You have the decorators decorating the f*** dungeon. You have my consenty inviting people around. You have caterers caterers catering the dungeon. We have to get the sister moving And I'm gonna build one we need to get America humping in dungeons again I think I saved myself there right

It's safe the part that's a problem what a shame because my point is valid Part that's a problem. What a shame because my point is valid. Romney became YouTube's latest victim putting him in another exclusive club in his life. This time one that includes Kramer from Seinfeld and the testicles of thousands of errant skateboarders. He was caught on camera and a $50,000 of plate fundraiser back in May which is already a little awkward in terms of optics in the current economy here in the US, unless part of that meal is a check for $49,000. The point is during a speech or a raw unicorn testicle, it's during this we no one would be grudge that. He was recorded talking about poor people with the tone of a Dickensian villain saying, and I quote, there are 47% of the people who will vote for the President no matter what. There are 47% who are with him, who are dependent on government, who believe that

that, that they are victims, who believe that government has the responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to healthcare, to food, to housing. My job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives. Wow, Andy. I don't think I've ever heard a sentence that feels more like it featured the word peasants, even though it technically didn't.

He sounds like a French aristocrat. He should be wearing a powdered wig and a beauty spot and standing next to a topiary kangaroo. LAUGHTER Well, he's hit back at the video saying that he stands by its contents. Although, he admits that his sentiments were not elegantly stated. But here's the problem, Andy.

He's never sounded more comfortable than he did in that video. He's notoriously a stiff man who has struggled to emotionally connect with people, but in that video, for the first time, I've ever seen him. His shoulders were relaxed, he sounded completely at home, and you realise that is where he's truly happiest. At dinners where each person is paying $50,000, and you get to whine about poor people. As a result, his poll numbers have been sinking like a lead octopus and its popularity

has not just gone through the floor, but he has personally kicked it down the stairs into a special dungeon. It does seem John, that socially, Ron Lee has the delicate touch of a Randy Reynosaurus in a china shop full of figurines of hot lady reynosuruses. And he's about as empathetic as a vicar at a funeral jumping up onto the edge of his pulpit, wearing a replica grim reaper kit, sticking his arms in the air and shouting, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo***ing thing. Ah! And underground, underground, you're lying in a book,

say you're going underground, underground. Where's your pals gone? Where's your pals gone? Stand up if you're not a corpse, stand up. If you're cold, you're stiff, your family's quite stiff. You're dead. F***ing f***ing. Eee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yee-yee-yee-yee-yee-yee-yee up to the same tree you go, you were someone's granddad, their crying tears of woe, but you'll

be gobbled up by worms or else you'll decompose, yee-yee-yee-yee-yee-yee RICKA MOTO, TITS RICKA MOTO, man, we will now sing him number 216. You're dead and you know you are. He's like that. Vickajon, that is what he's like. Oh, God. And you made just have made the next funeral that all of us go to a little awkward.

Well, I know what I should not shout now. So I should definitely not shout that, even though every pulse in my body, what's me to? The second of three presidential debates this took on and extra importance after it seemed like President Obama had fallen asleep for moments before the first one and accidentally sleeped walked onto the stage. I wanted to wake up a couple of hours later saying I just had the strangest dream. I dream that Mitt Romney handed me my

own ass in a debate. I must have eaten way too much cheese before taking that nap. Amazing what f**king dumb things your mind can conjure up. Anyway, what time does the debate start? His second debate or formal argument was here in New York and it was town hall style, meaning that the questions were posed from the audience. and a moderator was on hand to make sure that everything went smoothly, but rather than smoothly, it went aggressively instead. And that is hardly a surprise, because Town Hall style essentially means just removing the podiums and leaving the candidates free to wander around the stage. But as so often happens with these style of debates, the simple act of removing the podiums seems to make the candidates want to kill each other.

Podium seemed to be the great pacifier, and so it'd be interesting to see if it worked in reverse. If two sumo wrestlers were about to fight Andy, you popped two podiums in front of each of them. I think they'd instinctively just spend the entire about arguing with each other instead. And we should take it one step further.

Would they not just air-dropping podiums, Andy, into trouble spots around the world? Let's air-drop them onto the Syrian army and force them to stop their tanks, get out and just shout at rebel towns instead. It's got to be worth trying. Romney said that Obama and his campaign team had been trying to characterize him, quotes, as someone who's very different than who I am. And you can see why Romney's upset about that because that is exactly what he himself is trying to do Yeah, we've seen we've seen exactly the baddie is on the hidden camera footage And he knows that the real met Romney is a electoral cryptonite

He frankly should be thanking a barber if they're showing him as someone different to who he actually is When he's some extraordinary things that he said, in particular the binders full of women comment, which I mean it's always an intellectual risk, John I think, to pass off one of the world's leading genders as slightly annoying paperwork or maybe as a catalogue to be perused on the toilet while you're having your Sunday shit. It's a slightly dehumanising collective now that... I could have been worse. I mean, he could have said that they brought us whole trailers full of women

who might now keep chained up in my special Romney dungeon. And that would make him more interesting than I think he has the capacity to be. Lastly, because 13 days from the election, a new national poll has given Romney a lead of 50 to 47 among likely voters. Now, it's a poll, Andy, so as such, it's at least 60 percent bullshit. But even so, that sound you might be able to hear is the sound of my balls crawling up into my stomach at the prospect of Willard Romney and the White House. One of the smallest houses he's ever lived.

Top story this week, America is an electoral labour and it's about to shite out another president. Push America, push! And a presidential election in America is a marathon. You know, it goes on for a ridiculously long time. There's a lot of shouting of support, and we're now approaching the point towards the end where the body is threatening to shut down completely. There's a lot of questioning of why the country has put itself through this, and everyone is about to lose control

of their bowels and exhausts. That's basically the mood here, Andy, and it's gonna take more than an isotonic sport string to replenish the soul that have been destroyed by the tone of this campaign. Top story this week the election is over. It is over Andy and Barack Obama was re-elected president but more importantly the election is over. It's over. Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty. We are free of this bullshit at last. Well, Andy, despite Florida's best efforts in finally finishing counting their votes two days after

they were supposed to, this election is now fully over. A winner has been declared in every state and President Obama has been reelected as America's new old president. And that whooshing sound was the bullets that almost every country in the world dodged with a Romney presidency, unless you live in Pakistan in which case that whooshing sound wasn't a bomber drone strike was in past your house. Either way, we all got lucky. Yeah. Also good news for Mitt Romney, because being president is frankly a really shit job

And I would not wish it is on my worst enemy which explains why I've never voted for either a song I've been laden never really got on with him the former al-Qaeda frontman and professional scripture misinterpretar And I've also never voted for Sam Taylor the former comedy critic from the observer news paper Grindingly mediocre was only on for 20 minutes. He can't grind in 20 minutes. And he went on to give the kind of fantastic speech that just made you wish that he could govern as well as he talks about governing. Because when you listen to him deliver the kind of speech that brings a lump to your throat,

you find yourself thinking, why can't someone like him ever be president for reminding yourself, oh shit, he is president and he has been for the last four years. Except that guy on the stage giving the speech, Andy, has not been president. It's been just a very tired man who looks a lot like him and has been tried to negotiate the bullshit minefield of DC politics. I don't know if you can tell from the tone of my voice, Andy, or read between the lines, but I'm so, so glad that this election is over. This has been an incredibly expensive, incredibly cynical and incredibly depressing election. Having said that, watching Herman Cain run for president was like watching the most entertaining car crash that I've ever seen. That's the only it could have gone on longer. 2016.

Kane for 2016, he has the official bugle endorsement. Don't rule it out, Andy. He is as interested and as qualified then as he is now. Also, let's be forget, this election has actually made US history, Andy, because it has never, ever before cost so much money to not become president. Well it's just the latest efforts to shovel out some of the financial shit from the organ stable of the European banking sector.

I'm basically trying to shovel it out with a kid's plastic bucket and spade. And the problem is the feeling persistion that even if Hercules could clean all the horses from these particular algae and stables, all he would find underneath is some stables made of horses. And the load of horses cryptic crosswords tucked under their forelegs looking a bit pained in the stomach and they're all that's gone right through me. Excuse me, maybe some time. LAUGHTER Basically, Europe as a continent, which seems an inappropriate title for it in this, this is certainly circumstances, as a continent, Europe has behaved financially like a man

who got one testicle stuck in a George Foreman grill and rectified the situation by buying another George Foreman grill with money it didn't have and slamming it shut on his other testicle. So at least he looked vaguely symmetrical before saying, help, help, I really need your help. lend me some money so I can buy a George Foreman grill to put my penis in. Andy, I don't think I've ever understood the complications of what's happening in Eurovision coming better than after that sentence.

You must just double on the most incredible economic analysis. There's been written over the last five years. Literally minutes of descending my first tweet. I mean literally a handful of minutes. I've got a message saying, your terrible go-eat-a-bag of dicks. That's democracy, John. That is democracy.

You know, that is exactly the warm welcome that I was expecting, to be honest. It's quite nice to get out of the way so soon I felt baptized in bile But it was the speed of it that most impressed me it was like the person involved have been waiting for six years Since Twitter began sitting up at their keyboard fighting sleep thinking he's gonna join Twitter I mean, he's just he's going to and when he does I'll be there I'll be there with my bag of Dicks comment. Swift does the wind. Why don't you try and get a couple of hours rest darling. I'll watch the computer screen for you. No it's too big a risk.

This is personal. After that Andy I am truly sorry that it took me so long to join. I just feel sorry for the false excitement. That individual must have felt a few years ago when I thought I joined, only to realise they just sent a message saying, go eat a bag of dicks to Jamie Oliver instead. Something I'm sure he considered if the bag of dicks in question was nutritionally rich and well-seasoned. So, also a very good way to get right up to the minute death threats as well. That's nice, you know, when there's no couple of full attention. I have a check dear recently, but I've got some of those to catch up on.

Just look up the world's leading trouble spots and make a little off-hand joke about them and within seconds people will be telling you that you deserve to die or to crawl back up your mother's caboodle. So I can't understand why I've found it over these years so repellent Andy, it's clearly wonderful. That's why I had to want to be in the, I was made one little cricket related quiff about cashmere and that unleashed a small amount of Twitter hell. Thanks to you too, I'll get to talk to f*** myself every day on Twitter. Yeah, I know. Welcome to the pain. I never think through the consequences of that, Chris.

I just think it's funny. you